EXT. NOT GREAT PART OF THE CITY - EARLY AFTERNOON
CLOSEUP ON DUDE'S FACE
Very well-dressed, but mussed DUDE is stumbling his way back
from some party, badly hungover. He's struggling not to
vomit.
WIDE
PEOPLE who are not poor, but are certainly poorer than he is,
watch him cautiously from a stoop as he stumbles past their
building.
He stops for a breather, hands on his knees.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
(yelling at dude)
I hope you don't...
DUDE
(to himself)
I... I can't...
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
That's terrible!
Dude vomits all over the street in front of these people.
DUDE
(to people)
Oh, man... I'm sorry.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
You gonna clean that up?
Dude shrugs.
DUDE
I don't... I can't do anything with
that. It's on the street.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
Are you serious?
DUDE
(trying to leave)
It's true. I can't do anything. I'm
very sorry.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
(angry)
You! You're probably gay!
DUDE
(taken aback/offended)
What?
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
It's true. I can't say anything for
certain - but social pressures
towards stereotypical
gender/sexuality behaviour,
especially when outside of places
like bars, mean it is statistically
more likely that it is a gay man
who is standing before me right now
than a heterosexual one.
DUDE
That's not true, though! Nor is it
an insult!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
He didn't say you were gay, jackass
- he said it was statistically
likely that you were, which IS
true.
DUDE
But -!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
And another thing, man - despite
your words, your reaction when I
said it the first time means that
you probably perceived it as an
insult. It's true. I'm sorry.
DUDE
I'm not a homophobe!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
You're probably a homophobe.
DUDE
I'm a good person!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
You just vomited in front of the
home of some poor people and were
gonna walk away.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
(to his friend, but loud
enough so dude can hear)
I wonder why he isn't getting angry
at us, and yelling?
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
That would require testosterone.
DUDE
What are you guys talking about?
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
(yelling again, at dude)
Oh nothing - just about how YOU
PROBABLY GOT A TINY DICK?
DUDE
Oh c'mon!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
The gay argument was admittedly a
little tenuous, because societal
pressure, especially in the
Northeast, is thankfully moving
beyond rigid identity structures -
but the link between testosterone
and aggressive behaviour is much
more fundamental, and the
correlations between it and the
size of various parts of the body
are quite well known.
Dude says nothing. Beat.
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
Fuckin' NAILED IT!
The not-quite-poor stand up and high-five as Dude, head down,
starts walking away.
FRONT SHOT OF DUDE AS HE IS WALKING AWAY
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
Oh man! Tiny-dick man thinks he's
rich enough that he can just vomit
anywhere - too bad he's so sad
about his tiny dick! Really goes to
show you the ineradicability of
primal reproductive urges in post
material society!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 1
Bet you wish you could put out as
much semen as you could put out
vomit, tiny-dick man!
NOT-QUITE-POOR PERSON 2
And since she's subjected to near
constant bombardment by advertising
focused on lack, just like any
other first-world citizen, I bet
your girlfriend wishes it too!
This last line causes dude to wince a bit.
BLACKOUT.