The Power of Agreement

By Ralaine Fagone

Copyrighted 2010

A continuous conversation from a traveler’s itinerary moving from tragedy to triumph

Seven years have passed since my son James was arrested. It is now three and a half years since his sentence to life in prison without the possibility of parole. James is now incarcerated in a maximum-security prison. Circumstances this daunting can tear apart even the healthiest family, affecting both parental and marriage relationships. Looking back I see clearly how the wisdom of the Lord came and directed us, keeping us together in close bonded relationships.

This past year Anthony, my husband, and I celebrated our thirtieth year of marriage. With this recent milestone still lingering in my memory, I thought it would be good to tell about our relationship—how we managed to make it to the thirty-year mark with flying colors.

When people meet me and perceive the grace Father is generously pouring upon me, they often ask, “How is your husband? How is he doing with all you both have been through?” This question is a shining opportunity to tell about the amazing man to whom I am married. I rarely tell about the process and how I am able to give such a glowing response in regard to Anthony, but I do think it is good to share the Lord’s wisdom. Perhaps others will benefit from the practical beauty of His wise counsel.    

First, it is only fair to come clean and tell you right up front—Anthony and I are like oil and vinegar, fire and gasoline, hot and cold. We are opposites in more areas than we are alike. Marriage was not easy. In fact it was downright hard. We did not have the wonderful advantage of a smooth marriage before great sadness came into our home, the day of James’ arrest. Yet, with greater odds against us for success, we endured the worst to become faithful, loyal, loving champions for one another. I don’t want to sound trite, but if we can do it, anyone can. Walk with me as I lay out the wise strategy we used and our insight as to why it worked.

The very first day of James’ arrest, Anthony and I made a decision—I believe it was the most important decision ever—that protected our marriage. While our house was a flurry of activity, together we gathered alone in our bedroom and made a simple agreement. We agreed that we were going to allow each other to process the pain and the horrific details of the murder at our own pace, according to our individual personalities. My personality type would walk around the house wringing hands and displaying tearful outbursts; Anthony’s personality would likely respond with misplaced anger due to frustration in not being able to fix the problem. This agreement required giving a lot of grace and space to one another. It wasn’t easy. We tried to be careful and not step on each other’s hearts out of our own pain. However, offenses did take place here and there. Soon we got in a rhythm of knowing and understanding each other—when to back away, when to draw near, and when to remain silent.

I began to notice that Anthony became attuned to my heart and how it worked. He made himself available to listen as I talked through my hurts, fears, disillusions, and small victories. When he would find me crying, he would come and stand next to me with his quiet strong hand on my shoulder, wanting to assure me that I was not alone; he was hurting with me too.

I responded by doing more loving acts of service so things would flow smoothly, knowing that order brings peace to Anthony’s soul. I listened to him as he expressed his frustration in not being able to fix the problem. I applauded him as he turned his internal struggle over to our Father who takes care of all our troubles.

Slowly, my husband was turning into my hero. My common complaints about him began to cease as they turned into opportunities for admiration. This began a momentum of kind words and acts toward one another. These welcomed experiences became part of the fruit we have harvested which traces back to the rich soil of our agreement.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 speaks of two working together:

It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.

Share the work, share the wealth.

And if one falls down, the other helps,

But if there’s no one to help, tough!

Two in a bed warm each other.

Alone, you shiver all night.

By yourself you’re unprotected.

With a friend you can face the worst.

Can you round up a third?

A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.          

With Jesus added to our mix, we have become a tightly woven cord of three. We are in agreement about our direction and purpose. Then, I did not understand the value of those first few moments when Anthony and I held hands to make our simple agreement. Now, I understand it was a foundational strength that has increased and overflowed into other areas of our lives.

There is good fruit from proper agreement and bad fruit from wrong agreements.

This is adequately displayed by an exchange that took place in the Garden of Eden. If Eve had never agreed with the serpent, sin would not have entered. The serpent needed Eve to come into agreement to accomplish his task. The things we agree with can work with us or against us. Jesus encourages agreement when He says,

“When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action.”  Matthew 18:19 (The Message)

The Father’s wisdom is keeping our marriage and family together. His faithfulness pierced through our darkest times bringing a wisdom that called to us, “This is the way, walk in it.” The fruit of His wisdom is sweet. We are glad we listened to Him and agreed.