Yeah, awesome. Here we are, coolkid central, and the one who keeps the temperature down is Jade Strider; iciest motherfucker in all of Houston.
oh my god it is so stinking hot today and the ac is broken and you are just all sweaty pits and matted hair UGH
AHEM. Right. You're cool enough that your SHEER AURA OF IRONIC INDIFFERENCE fends off the 110 degree Hell sweltering around your skyscraper. Sure.
wow you need some deodorant
Let's get to the topic at hand. You have to seriously catch up on your COOLKID QUOTA. No, for real, you're behind. You keep a notebook handy and everything to track it. Y-you're not sure what that quota is but YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SLACKING.
Okay. So looking down the list (it's hard to read with such dark sunglasses on but you manage somehow), you notice you've done precious little COOL DUDE ANTICS OF IMPRESSION ON THE LADYFOLKS.
Wow, that's a thing? Shit, you are really behind the times. You need to waste less nights giggling like an idiot on the Squiddles Sunny Funny Fan Forums (ONLY VISITED FOR IRONIC PURPOSES). You haven't even made a new rap this month! Cal will stare at you with such accusation if you lapse.
BACK ON TOPIC, hittin on 'dah ladiez'. Crap. Craaaaaaap. Well, at least Bro gave you some pointers on that when you asked a while ago. You were so embarassed...
...since you NEVER ask him for pointers. Shameful and amateur. But he told you with a snap that you really just gotta be relaxed, play up the charm, be suave. Cool. Easy! YEA- woah calm down you mean 'yeah'
Okay, great. Hit on some ladies, be super cool smooth. Total irony. Work it. You... well you know exactly two people you'd be comfortable hitting on. Dave! Let's try Dave. He sort of makes you flustered and giggly and you hide that but- wait.
Crud. How is a dude supposed to hit on another dude? How does that work? Are you gonna have to ask Bro agaiOHMYGOD Christ right you're a girl. God dammit this is so hard. But you gotta be the cool dude hittin on 'dem fine chicas'! You don't think Dave is up for being a girl right now anyways. Him in a dress would be...
... ... ...
You'll just talk to Rose. She's a funny-bunny. AND a girl! That makes things SO MUCH EASIER.
gaianGearhead [GG] began pestering talentedThaumaturge [TT]
GG: hey chica
TT: Hi Jade! How's it going, cool dude? :)
GG: fine as wine blue-eyes
GG: so cool the heat cant keep up
TT: Can't keep up? But isn't heat going the opposite way of cool?
GG: well yeah thats what i meant obviously
GG: im so cool that the temperature is dropping
GG: really really slowly
TT: I heard it was record heatwaves down there. Bummer!
GG: you know it
GG: the suns burning gaze caught sight of the striders dueling on the rooftop
GG: got all jealous and cranked up the heat to try to match us
TT: I thought you said you were being cool, not hot! :D
GG: its contextual or something like what dave would say
GG: im in a quantum state of awesome
GG: both hot as a grill and cool as a cucumber
TT: Ohhhhhh. Fascinating! Is that why you wear the scarf with a t-shirt?
GG: i do that because it makes me look super cool duh
GG: also my bro made that scarf so its obviously invested with magical irony powers
TT: Comfortably ironic light clothing to withstand your own intense heat,
TT: Along with a suitably warming scarf to make sure you can deal with being so icy cold.
GG: see egbert you got the looks and the brains
GG: which brings me to what we gotta talk about next
TT: That topic being?
GG: the topic is how bout you ditch that nerd and get with a real man like me
TT: ...ditch who? What nerd?
GG: wrong line
TT: Jade, I didn't take you for a beach bully! Neither was I aware that I was with a nerd for you to steal me away from. Is this your idea of a prank, perhaps?
GG: wait wait
GG: its not a prank
GG: its irony is what it is egbert
GG: i mean
TT: Jade Strider!
TT: Are you hitting on me?
GG: am i
GG: lemme check
GG: aint nothin to laugh about babe
TT: What exactly should I be doing, then? :p
GG: chica i am the coolest dude you are ever gonna know
GG: all cool dudes have a pretty lady who gets all glassy eyed for them
GG: just how these things go
GG: like clockwork
TT: So... I am the recipient of this honor? Is that what you're getting at?
GG: you know it blue-eyes
TT: Am I going to be a brainless piece of giggling arm candy for you?
GG: no no
GG: of course not thatd be really unfun youre too cool rose
GG: well that is uh
GG: you know me so of course youre cool
GG: just rubs off with every word spoken
GG: and since youre my #1 fan then you get the honor
TT: Is that so! I'm feeling like this is a movie, Jade.
GG: oh no
TT: Standing on a hill, windswept, eyes questing for the handsome suitor bound to sweep me away into the sunset as the music swells.
GG: hahaha okay yes i can do that
TT: Is that so? Will you take me away on horseback? In a fast red car? On a helicopter? Onto the breeze with feathery wings?
GG: well probably not
GG: i mean coolkids do it differently
TT: Okay. I am enraptured in the magician's show that is this imagined scenario. So I find myself to suddenly be the main squeeze of this incredibly cool kid. I am eager to find where we're going. :)
GG: well if this is all hypothetical and stuff
TT: Of course.
GG: well since i am a cool dude in a loose mood
GG: id totally like stroll up where we had to meet and he all 'hey chica id take off my sunglasses but then youd miss how pretty you look reflected in them'
GG: thats a coolkid pickup line
GG: thats a good one right
TT: I'd simply be red with delight over such a phrase.
GG: yeah see of course you would be
GG: but then id have to like take you places and pay for stuff and be proper cool
TT: Really. Where would we go?
GG: well uh
GG: i guess i dont got a lot of scratch so
GG: the park maybe
GG: if thats okay
TT: That'd be lovely.
TT: Maybe there are street magicians we could watch!
GG: oh hell yes
GG: crazy sick magi plying their awesomest tricks
GG: and total mad ass flocks of birds to feed
TT: So I presume we'd be sitting on a bench.
GG: sure yeah
TT: I imagine a coolkid like you doesn't play by the rules. Why, an unassuming maiden like me, all glasses and unkempt hair, could be so easily taken advantage of. Easily tricked and had.
GG: woah hey thats not ironic either
TT: What's this now? This is more gentleman talk, not uncaring rebel.
GG: dig this chica
GG: only the truest of coolest kids get to rock with ladies as fine as you
GG: so that means not being a manipulative jerk or a sweaty creep or something
TT: Goodness. I had no idea. But what kind of affection do ironic kids show their ladies? I mean, to be ironic means to be insincere.
GG: i guess the ironic thing to do would
GG: well id have to hold your hand while we walked
GG: and put my arm around you while we sat
GG: maybe like play with your hair and look into your eyes
GG: like you gotta give mad props to your chica
GG: i mean thats just how these things work like i keep saying
TT: So at the end of our day together, we stand ready to part.
GG: well yeah thatd be sad but id be all 'see you later little lady'
TT: Oh? That's all?
GG: am i forgetting something
TT: What if the little lady wants a kiss?
GG: jeez then the guy has to comply he cant back down from a challenge
TT: I see. I suppose then the maiden would have to raise the stakes, and ask it be upon her lips.
TT: She'd wait very expectantly.
TT: Would the cool guy comply? I'm still so mystified as to how they work, and you're such a cool guy!
GG: jeez blue-eyes keep your silly skirt off
GG: wow wait i meant on
GG: yes youd get kissed on the lips
GG: i mean she would the hypothetical girl would
GG: wed do it
GG: wed make it happen
TT: An entire day with a cool kid, steeped in irony and magic, ended with a kiss. I'd hope it happened with his really cool sunglasses off, so I could see his eyes when we did. That'd make things even more magical, by the metric of movies.
GG: of course theyd be off
GG: itd be nice that way
TT: You agree then!
GG: sure yeah
TT: Well, the hypothetical maiden who you have so successfully dated would have to head off, but I think she would most certainly be the 'main squeeze' of the coolkid. She'd be happy to be his girlfriend.
GG: okay that is great
TT: I guess you'd have no problems being a proper coolkid. Not that you ever did, Jade.
GG: striders gotta stride
GG: you know its true egbert i dont fuck around with these things
TT: So maybe we could do that sometime?
GG: do what
TT: Go on a date!
TT: Ironically, of course.
GG: i did say youre my #1 lady
GG: so i gotta treat you right
TT: I suppose in a purely hypothetical and ironic situation, I'd be really flattered and happy about that.
GG: okay then i have obviously filled my quota of irony for the week
GG: youre the best rose
GG: take it easy i gotta go log this so i dont forget
TT: Okay Jade.
TT: Just one more thing.
GG: sure whats up
TT: Did you mean what you said about me being pretty?
TT: It's okay if it was just irony.
GG: oh gosh
GG: of course i did rose
GG: id never ever say that without meaning it
TT: Sincerity, from a Strider?
GG: woah hey is this another prank
GG: i keep telling you i wont fall for the next one
GG: i mean i do anyways but one of these days i wont
TT: I better go, Jade. It was great talking to you. <3
GG: say what
GG: are you gonna vanish in a plume of magic blue smoke
talentedThaumaturge [TT] ceased pestering gaianGearhead [GG]