Yeah, awesome. Here we are, coolkid central, and the one who keeps the temperature down is Jade Strider; iciest motherfucker in all of Houston.

oh my god it is so stinking hot today and the ac is broken and you are just all sweaty pits and matted hair UGH

AHEM. Right. You're cool enough that your SHEER AURA OF IRONIC INDIFFERENCE fends off the 110 degree Hell sweltering around your skyscraper. Sure.

wow you need some deodorant

Let's get to the topic at hand. You have to seriously catch up on your COOLKID QUOTA. No, for real, you're behind. You keep a notebook handy and everything to track it. Y-you're not sure what that quota is but YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SLACKING.

Okay. So looking down the list (it's hard to read with such dark sunglasses on but you manage somehow), you notice you've done precious little COOL DUDE ANTICS OF IMPRESSION ON THE LADYFOLKS.

Wow, that's a thing? Shit, you are really behind the times. You need to waste less nights giggling like an idiot on the Squiddles Sunny Funny Fan Forums (ONLY VISITED FOR IRONIC PURPOSES). You haven't even made a new rap this month! Cal will stare at you with such accusation if you lapse.

BACK ON TOPIC, hittin on 'dah ladiez'. Crap. Craaaaaaap. Well, at least Bro gave you some pointers on that when you asked a while ago. You were so embarassed...

...since you NEVER ask him for pointers. Shameful and amateur. But he told you with a snap that you really just gotta be relaxed, play up the charm, be suave. Cool. Easy! YEA- woah calm down you mean 'yeah'

Okay, great. Hit on some ladies, be super cool smooth. Total irony. Work it. You... well you know exactly two people you'd be comfortable hitting on. Dave! Let's try Dave. He sort of makes you flustered and giggly and you hide that but- wait.

Crud. How is a dude supposed to hit on another dude? How does that work? Are you gonna have to ask Bro agaiOHMYGOD Christ right you're a girl. God dammit this is so hard. But you gotta be the cool dude hittin on 'dem fine chicas'! You don't think Dave is up for being a girl right now anyways. Him in a dress would be...

...

... ... ...

Um.

You'll just talk to Rose. She's a funny-bunny. AND a girl! That makes things SO MUCH EASIER.

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gaianGearhead [GG] began pestering talentedThaumaturge [TT]

GG: hey chica

TT: Hi Jade! How's it going, cool dude? :)

GG: fine as wine blue-eyes

GG: so cool the heat cant keep up

TT: Can't keep up? But isn't heat going the opposite way of cool?

GG: uh

GG: well yeah thats what i meant obviously

GG: im so cool that the temperature is dropping

GG: really really slowly

TT: I heard it was record heatwaves down there. Bummer!

GG: you know it

GG: the suns burning gaze caught sight of the striders dueling on the rooftop

GG: got all jealous and cranked up the heat to try to match us

TT: But...

TT: I thought you said you were being cool, not hot! :D

GG: er

GG: well

GG: its contextual or something like what dave would say

GG: im in a quantum state of awesome

GG: both hot as a grill and cool as a cucumber

TT: Ohhhhhh. Fascinating! Is that why you wear the scarf with a t-shirt?

GG: i do that because it makes me look super cool duh

GG: also my bro made that scarf so its obviously invested with magical irony powers

TT: Obviously!

TT: Comfortably ironic light clothing to withstand your own intense heat,

TT: Along with a suitably warming scarf to make sure you can deal with being so icy cold.

GG: see egbert you got the looks and the brains

GG: which brings me to what we gotta talk about next

TT: That topic being?

GG: the topic is how bout you ditch that nerd and get with a real man like me

TT: ...ditch who? What nerd?

GG: oh

GG: wait

GG: crap

GG: wrong line

TT: Jade, I didn't take you for a beach bully! Neither was I aware that I was with a nerd for you to steal me away from. Is this your idea of a prank, perhaps?

GG: wait wait

GG: its not a prank

GG: its irony is what it is egbert

GG: i mean

GG: babe

GG: yeah

TT: Jade Strider!

GG: yo

TT: Are you hitting on me?

GG: i

GG: am i

GG: lemme check

TT: Hehehehehehe.

GG: aint nothin to laugh about babe

TT: What exactly should I be doing, then? :p

GG: chica i am the coolest dude you are ever gonna know

GG: all cool dudes have a pretty lady who gets all glassy eyed for them

GG: just how these things go

GG: like clockwork

TT: So... I am the recipient of this honor? Is that what you're getting at?

GG: you know it blue-eyes

TT: Am I going to be a brainless piece of giggling arm candy for you?

GG: what?

GG: no no

GG: of course not thatd be really unfun youre too cool rose

GG: well that is uh

GG: you know me so of course youre cool

GG: just rubs off with every word spoken

GG: and since youre my #1 fan then you get the honor

TT: Is that so! I'm feeling like this is a movie, Jade.

GG: oh no

TT: Standing on a hill, windswept, eyes questing for the handsome suitor bound to sweep me away into the sunset as the music swells.

TT: Swoon!

GG: hahaha okay yes i can do that

TT: Is that so? Will you take me away on horseback? In a fast red car? On a helicopter? Onto the breeze with feathery wings?

GG: um

GG: well probably not

GG: i mean coolkids do it differently

TT: Okay. I am enraptured in the magician's show that is this imagined scenario. So I find myself to suddenly be the main squeeze of this incredibly cool kid. I am eager to find where we're going. :)

GG: oh

GG: well if this is all hypothetical and stuff

TT: Of course.

GG: well since i am a cool dude in a loose mood

GG: id totally like stroll up where we had to meet and he all 'hey chica id take off my sunglasses but then youd miss how pretty you look reflected in them'

TT: Gracious!

GG: that

GG: thats a coolkid pickup line

GG: thats a good one right

TT: I'd simply be red with delight over such a phrase.

GG: oh

GG: yeah see of course you would be

GG: but then id have to like take you places and pay for stuff and be proper cool

TT: Really. Where would we go?

GG: well uh

GG: i guess i dont got a lot of scratch so

GG: the park maybe

GG: if thats okay

TT: That'd be lovely.

TT: Maybe there are street magicians we could watch!

GG: oh hell yes

GG: crazy sick magi plying their awesomest tricks

GG: and total mad ass flocks of birds to feed

TT: So I presume we'd be sitting on a bench.

GG: oh

GG: sure yeah

TT: I imagine a coolkid like you doesn't play by the rules. Why, an unassuming maiden like me, all glasses and unkempt hair, could be so easily taken advantage of. Easily tricked and had.

GG: woah hey thats not ironic either

TT: What's this now? This is more gentleman talk, not uncaring rebel.

GG: dig this chica

GG: only the truest of coolest kids get to rock with ladies as fine as you

GG: so that means not being a manipulative jerk or a sweaty creep or something

TT: Goodness. I had no idea. But what kind of affection do ironic kids show their ladies? I mean, to be ironic means to be insincere.

GG: uh

GG: um

GG: i guess the ironic thing to do would

GG: well id have to hold your hand while we walked

GG: and put my arm around you while we sat

GG: maybe like play with your hair and look into your eyes

GG: to

GG: uh

GG: like you gotta give mad props to your chica

GG: totally

TT: Hehehehehehe.

GG: i mean thats just how these things work like i keep saying

TT: So at the end of our day together, we stand ready to part.

GG: well yeah thatd be sad but id be all 'see you later little lady'

TT: Oh? That's all?

GG: am

GG: am i forgetting something

TT: What if the little lady wants a kiss?

GG: jeez then the guy has to comply he cant back down from a challenge

TT: I see. I suppose then the maiden would have to raise the stakes, and ask it be upon her lips.

GG: uh

TT: She'd wait very expectantly.

GG: um

TT: Would the cool guy comply? I'm still so mystified as to how they work, and you're such a cool guy!

GG: jeez blue-eyes keep your silly skirt off

GG: wow wait i meant on

GG: yes youd get kissed on the lips

GG: i mean she would the hypothetical girl would

GG: wed do it

GG: wed make it happen

TT: An entire day with a cool kid, steeped in irony and magic, ended with a kiss. I'd hope it happened with his really cool sunglasses off, so I could see his eyes when we did. That'd make things even more magical, by the metric of movies.

GG: um

GG: of course theyd be off

GG: itd be nice that way

TT: You agree then!

GG: sure yeah

TT: Well, the hypothetical maiden who you have so successfully dated would have to head off, but I think she would most certainly be the 'main squeeze' of the coolkid. She'd be happy to be his girlfriend.

GG: okay that is great

TT: I guess you'd have no problems being a proper coolkid. Not that you ever did, Jade.

GG: striders gotta stride

GG: you know its true egbert i dont fuck around with these things

TT: So maybe we could do that sometime?

GG: do what

TT: Go on a date!

GG: what

TT: Ironically, of course.

GG: oh

GG: um

GG: okay

GG: i did say youre my #1 lady

GG: so i gotta treat you right

TT: I suppose in a purely hypothetical and ironic situation, I'd be really flattered and happy about that.

GG: okay then i have obviously filled my quota of irony for the week

GG: youre the best rose

GG: take it easy i gotta go log this so i dont forget

TT: Okay Jade.

TT: Just one more thing.

GG: sure whats up

TT: Did you mean what you said about me being pretty?

TT: It's okay if it was just irony.

GG: oh gosh

GG: of course i did rose

GG: id never ever say that without meaning it

TT: What!

TT: Sincerity, from a Strider?

GG: woah hey is this another prank

GG: i keep telling you i wont fall for the next one

GG: i mean i do anyways but one of these days i wont

TT: I better go, Jade. It was great talking to you. <3

GG: say what

GG: are you gonna vanish in a plume of magic blue smoke

TT: POOF!

talentedThaumaturge [TT] ceased pestering gaianGearhead [GG]