Spacedust and Chaos: A Requiem
a Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction by Chuck Williamson
With mild trepidation, dark-natured cosmic tangents scissored, crossed, folded into vexatious concisions, as boundless as the sea, the spiraling rubical blood nimbus cut asunder by the long lady fingers of morning sunshine. Time tick-tocked steadily against the corridors and the clean-shaven mammals inside, inefficient mouths murmured, articulating half-true sentiments that held no bearing for the concession of death, rebirth, ashes to ashes, legs valiantly pumping, throttling the tiled white with overbearing pomposity. Transient footsteps, old ghosts clamored with dumb homilies dragging ectoplasmic chains at their sides, spectral overcoats hiding naked shames for the past had no place in the house of lepers, hypochondriacs, quadriplegics, junkies, senescence, the downtrodden, the weak, the cancerous, the dead and buried. Latitudes emerged and astral planes were wearied inexplicably at the capricious whim of one girl, expectorated its extremities, rushed into the tomb-like hospital, flooding it like an alien rainfall would a reservoir, breaking the bough with spirit and candor, bearing with it the scorns, doubts, the implications of all that would never been repented.
Heartbeat, poise, cessation, the uplifting pause, shadows reaching out like a prudish baroness no more, for tick-tocking time paused, paused, paused, the white hospital rang silent, silent except for the endless chattering of the dead, a thousand mindless tongues lamenting unformed plights, merriments as illusory as the spectrum of a rainbow, the girl, her diminutive flesh, the sweetness of her breath, the lacerating beauty of her scarlet eyes. Her footsteps echoed in unflinching bursts, expounding into Heaven, inwardly convulsing in the quiescence of light and darkness, her mind flurried with a goal, mute and far from the meek and loathsome humility.
Room 303, tomb of the crimson empress, a rose in the eye of mortals.
Her face a somber visage, chiseled by delirium, the rise and fall of angels, the polarizing resurgence of Eden, as ominous, wicked and warped by man's scrutiny, Rei Ayanami opened the door, the hinges a cacophonous welcome, the odious rank of darkness and decay permeating.
Before her vision was the shell of Sohryu Asuka Langley, catatonic, stricken with an acute inertia, lying beneath white sheets, white lights, white heat. Blood red eyes superciliously dart, old ghosts murmur incantations, the tides ebb and flow against mountainous husks of stone, Evangelion Unit One, sortie, and off she would go into the vilifications of a father's sin, marble hands outstretched, five fingers luminous with light, streaming from finger tips like blessings from mouths of saints, Rei looked up, eyes narrow, lips pursed, armless clock chipping away into deep dark nothing.
Asuka's brow furrowed, eyes twitched, body convulsed in adverse spasms, life strewn forth with chaos, entropy escaped the shell of the awakening girl like starlight in the incandesced of mid-winter. Shell-shocked, eyes peeled from the back of her pupils by the glaring overhead light emitted from above, she screamed and screamed and screamed, cathartic pleas from the bottom of her spine up to a gray skull and the sorrow-stained residue in-between. It was an operatic ballad, doleful and disposed to dreamscapes, and it stopped shortly thereafter, as Asuka, wild-eyed with animal grace, held herself upward, turned her head upon the callous form of Rei Ayanami, who was seemingly dressed casually, the seams of her school uniform taut and immaculate.
"What do you want? What have you done to me?" Asuka, tarnished by hindsighted frailty, stammered the question, rolling her vowels incredulously.
Nominally, Rei responded tersely: "I have resurrected you."
"I am here to save you. To redeem you."
"What?" Red-faced anger steamed, electric lights blared in her head.
"You were not well, but now you are much better."
Asuka snapped with typical scorn ablaze: "You idiot! You stupid little bitch! What are you talking about? 'I wasn't well?' Do you have any idea of the dreams... the dreams... of death and darkness. You can't just walk in here and expect everything to be okay! You cannot expect me to believe I owe you anything, do you hear me! If you think anything like that, Rei, then you're the one who's not well!"
"Don't give me that, Rei! You've been trying to act all prim and cool and collected all this time, but now I see the truth. I see you, Rei! I understand you completely. You're just like Shinji aren't you? You just don't want to admit how lonesome and weak you really are, do you? You've come for me, to use me for companionship, to bask in my company. I'm not like you. I'm not like him. I hate both of you because neither of you can understand me—my sadness!" Flustered, the girl resigned herself to restraining the welling tears, the sincere starlights in her eyes.
Sanguine silence followed by the rush of epinephrine, dementia taking its toll on the auburn-headed girl, her eyes telling truths undeterred by Machiavellian pride.
Asuka bit her flailing tongue, said, "Rei, tell me, what do you want." She unwound herself, forgetting the light of a mother's warmth, her face livid with obstreperous animosity and a mechanical sort of malaise, bare feet on white tiles, a step, another, toward the girl, that stoic girl with red eyes and pale skin, oh to touch such marble flesh, to fall into her rustic eyes, the pit of her soul, stepping into the garden, Eden perhaps, a verdant and serene pastoral retreat, an orchard in the mid-day sun hanging imperiously above the distant mountains, impressionistic like a brush of Monet, a wind caressing against pearly flesh, Asuka's taken her fourth step on a patch of green grass, the taste of honey moist on her languished lips.
Rei Ayanami is also there and Asuka takes her by the hand, her smile opening like the wings of a butterfly. Hand-in-hand, clasping each other, entwining fingers beneath coarse sweating palms, laughing jovially, the sound of it as melodic as a lark in springtime, inspirited they run through the fields and meadows of their youth. Lillies, tulips, violets and the wise old trees sing a song of praise, their melody flowing through the ashes of time, the wind shredding through capriciously, Asuka's auburn hair flowing, the ribbons binding her locks spiraling in the hollow breeze, the bottom hem of her yellow sundress flapping rebelliously against its pull, flippantly self-serving, the smile of an ingenue, impeccable white teeth, gritting madly like the gears in an ancient contraption long without a cause.
Two apples, luminous beneath the cerulean skies, heralded by verdant slumber; Rei Ayanami whimsically plucks them from the long and winding branches of the orchard's finest tree, humming a nonsensical, merry tune. Nodding approvingly, Asuka accepts this precious gift, her teeth grinding into the supple red flesh of the apple, juices flowing like the wind against the sea, rolling into her throat, the sweet taste is an arbiter of happiness.
Rei Ayanami expels all rational thought; she buries herself in the assenting arms of Asuka, embracing, ensnared in a perdition of carnal lust or perhaps love, love so pure it lacerates the inner-soul, mangles the senses. Bound bosoms press against one another as two kindred spirits share an ambrosial kiss, as sweet as the nectar from a rose, engulfing fourteen years worth of sorrow, belligerence, grief, the light of one virtuous moment, emblazoned in a pair of swelling hearts melodiously thumping. Hands as languid as Autumn leaves crippled beneath ornate desire slither serpentine, running over the small of a lover's back, through the dainty strands of hair, the aroma intoxicating, hands smoothing over a single quivering cheek, stained in tears, hands brushing over the warmth of a woman's breast, as ripe and succulent as cherries blossoming in the spring, between inner thighs, grinding fervently in amorous fear and desire. The two make love beneath the shade of an imperial apple tree, their shadows stretching long over the distant hills and emerald land.
Napping within a paradox, arms entwined like strands in a spider's web, lovers uncoiled, golden slumbers salvaging cataclysmic beauty, estranged wonderment.
All is not well, however, for Sohryu Asuka Langley soon awakens, bleary-eyed and husky-voiced, her mind corroded with a pestilence, a gnawing nostalgia of importunity and imperfection.
"Rei, my love?"
"This is not right. We shouldn't be doing this."
A yawn, child-like in its pedal-pelting innocence: "What do you mean, Asuka?"
"Rei... I love you here and now, but this is not the course in which we began. This is not true life. This is not the present in which you and I were working toward on another plane."
Solemnly, Rei responded hesitantly, "I know. Does this really matter? I did not know, Asuka, I did not know that this is what you wished for, what you desired, what you thought would make you happy. I looked into your light and made it true."
"I don't know. I feel... calm. At ease. Like a barrage of tidal waves against the sands of a foreign shore. I've never been so happy and yet I feel that this is all wrong."
"What is it that you want, Asuka?"
"Want? I don't know. I've never been asked something like that before. Or at least... not sincerely."
"You fear that this is the only option available?"
"No. No. I just... don't understand what's going on. Why have you brought me here, Rei? Why have you given me this absolute happiness? I can't believe that this is all arbitrary, as nice as it is."
"Asuka..." But Rei's preamble was cut short, strangled mid-articulation, the howl of the wind and trees croaked with her as the infinite cosmos absolved itself into a dew, Rei straddled her lover, face taut, somber, eyes sullied with verve and affection, sands in an hour glass seared red midnight ethereal repose; Asuka was a surrogate mother of the Dirac Sea and Rei descended, plummeted below into the abdomen of the girl with blood-red hair, their naked flesh metamorphosing, amorphously, orgasmically white pearls of rosebud dew, glistening gems amid endless pores congested forthwith, hands sinking into hands, a face, surreptitious in motives, wise as an owl, immaculate as a pearl, drifting headlong into an abyss of waxen flesh, azure eyes of deepest summer, a wink, a smile, throttling motions an act of symphony, glandular magnificence.
I wish for us to merge, my dear Asuka, to be as one, to love and find love and together as one, for I love you Asuka, I will do so my love. Is that why you brought me here to make me a part of you, another one of you just to spring forward, kill me. No, you misunderstand, I wish to become one with you, we are both incomplete halves, the sun without its moon, a sky without clouds, we are not human but shells, Asuka, shells for old ghosts to grieve. What? I'm trying to tell you, Asuka, I want us to be one, to be of the same flesh, to be the same mind, we will not die, on the contrary, we will be immortal, living forever as one.
Live as one with you, Rei, what does this mean? I mean this Asuka: you are the fury, the life, the candor, the scorn, you are like a star, burning incandescent in the cosmos, steering forward, onward into oblivion, I am the sky, pitch-black, demure, placid, collected, the tranquility, the key to your salvation, Asuka, I want to be a part of you, to ease your sorrow, to calm your rage, I wish to soothe your heartbeat, to love you, Asuka, like none other has, do you want this?
I don't know, Rei, I am so confused, what will happen to the real me, the one who is a lioness, the one who slumber for an eternity within the cell of Room 303, the one who loathes you, the contemptuous Sohryu Asuka Langley, cantankerous, what will become of her, and what will be of Rei, the silent, the introvert who's eyes speak of years and years of wisdom.
Those will not die, Asuka, for they will be with us, with us as a new being, a child, a child for us to love and cherish together, as one, for that newborn will be a composite, an amalgam of fire and ice, and it shall grow, dear Asuka, grow to be nurtured by you and I. What did you say? A merging. A doll? What? A doll, that's what you wish to make of me. What, no, I never said. A doll, that's what you're planning, on making me into your marionette, a grotesque gaping thing who's strings you shall hold true, a beast, a caricature of what I am, I would rather be incomplete than ever be your toy, Rei Ayanami, now or ever, I loved you once but now I see that it was just a ruse, a factor from which you planned to control me, this is a false love, untrue, I never loved you, you used me as a pawn.
No, I never thought of such, listen to yourself, you're madness is resounding, echoing, your old self is awakening. Well, if that is the case, let me awaken, you brought me here inside of you and I can destroy the both of us.
Please, Asuka, don't do this, I just want you to be happy, you have this all wrong.
You're the one who has this all wrong, what makes you think doing this will not make me happy, you doll, you imperfect girl, you charlatan, you talk of being incomplete when it is you who is incomplete, I know things, Rei, I've seen them in the fiery pit of your soul, your essence, you are replica, Rei, just as I said, a doll, a little porcelain doll of a woman long dead, there's nothing original about you, nothing to love or hate, just a shell, you say I am not whole, well I am, I am borne of human flesh, I am a human being, loved by a mother—
Slow laborious movements, bated breath, a mother, eyes vacuous, like a pair of dead stars, holding a child, a child with scarlet hair, her throat is red, the little angel, all children are angels, earthbound, ascending to grace, an imaginary story becomes true, dolls are made by humans replicating their own shape, if there is a God, we may only be dolls to Him, and she rocks and rocks the child to sleep, the crooning of a lullaby, twinkle, twinkle, little star, her fingers clasped around her throat, die, angel, die now, please, the child whimpering, the salt of her tears drizzling into her dumb, dour lips, exasperated childhood, la, la, la, lullaby, baby go to sleep.
Forlorn, yon parasitic boy, leering with fastidious eyes on the ripeness of a woman's breasts, the smooth, salient contours, the undiscovered passion, licking lips, testes churn androgenic testosterone, inflamed loins, the implausible scenario of boys and girls writhing in sweaty trysts, unfathomable, inaccessible to the one-fisted avatar, reproaching between the inner thighs, unbuckled belt, ejaculations syrup sooth-saying organ in the hands of a lecherous lad whose paper-thin ankles are cuffed between a pair of slacks, he looks down and whimpers inaudibly the self-depreciation and goes on dejectedly.
ASUKA: Stop it! This isn't what I want!
Harbingers of death, frothing at the mouth, mouths satiated in a grotesque smile of daggers, with unprecedented relish they feast upon the dead, the rotting, the innards, the gizzards of the fallen, Asuka's death is accompanied with sad sad suspirations, lamentations for the vermilion, death, rebirth, ashes to ashes, I feel sick, ha, ha, a doll in the hands of a stranger, her trachea violated, squeeze squeeze squeeze, by the rustic hands of justice.
ASUKA: No, stop, please, I don't want to see anymore.
REI: Then what do you want?
ASUKA: I want things to be as they were.
REI: Then let us merge, my dear Asuka, let us merge.
ASUKA: Rei, please... I don't want to lose myself. It doesn't matter how much love you offer, how much love I need from you, I still cannot abandon myself, I cannot allow you to violate me, to make me a part of you. Even if I am unfinished, half-molded—I am still me and I don't wish to change that, not now or ever.
REI: But I offer you salvation, Asuka. I offer you a path in which you can absolve yourself of sorrow, the sins of your past, to smile, to be free.
ASUKA: Rei... you just don't understand. Even if we do merge it does not matter because I am me and you are you, and together, we could never appease the other. We're not blank screens made to be scribbled upon again. I love you, Rei, but I also love myself. And I cannot part with either, not in a million years.
ASUKA: You say you want my happiness, well, I am happy being me. I am happy holding your hand, looking into your eyes, smelling your breath, bathing in your light. I love you, Rei, and with you by my side and not inside of me, I wish to hold you, Rei, I love you so much, and with you I can forget about the past, build a future, a haven, a Garden of Eden in which our youths will be everlasting.
REI: Asuka... I'm crying, and I don't know why.
ASUKA: Come with me, Rei, I will show you why.
REI: I love you so much. so much, Asuka. Show me your heart, give me your hand, and let us amble upon the orchards of youth forever.
And so she did, our dear Rei, and together, hand-in-hand, their eyes alight, the fireflies whirring about their heads and the girls shall run, run, run into the shadows of the distant mountains, into the Eden of their own design.
Time will carry on undeterred and the respirators will die in a wearied mechanical whir, a symmetrical din, a death knell shall toll, men and woman shall weep for they knew this girl, this very special girl, but our youth is ever lasting, the erudite banquet of love eternal, in dreams, in music, in a requiem where men, women, and old ghosts long forgotten waltz in the pale moonlight, the rapturous and the sincere, and if you look hard in the distance you will find two girls, frolicking in verdant fields between Heaven and Hell, underneath the cerulean skies.