Proposal for Office Kittens Deployment
Oh hai. I <3 youz.
1. Create shareholder value
2. Maximize cuteness
1. Reduce server load and data storage requirements
We propose acquiring two small kittens, and installing them in the Asana office. The kittens are expected to frolic, take naps, cuddle with each other and other office occupants. It is also likely that they will engage in various acts of adorableness and displays of affection.
3. Alternative Solutions
A few alternatives were considered, and while they each have compelling benefits, were ultimately dismissed.
- Fun to say
- Could be used as short-range transportation
- spits at people and/or monitors
- may be difficult to bring up the stairs
- may require having office rezoned as a farm
Office Killer Robot
- provides strong security guarantees
- will murder us all, possibly reducing shareholder value
- increase our electricity usage
3. Design Considerations
While younger kittens are cuter, they are also more helpless. We propose a target age of 12 weeks. See http://www.all-about-cute-kittens.com/kitten-growth-chart.html
The main consideration for breed is the potential for allergies. As there doesn’t appear to be hypoallergenic breed, we propose any short-haired breed.
Studies show that female cats are less likely to cause allergies, so we recommend females.
We recommend exactly two kittens. Since the cats will spend time alone in the office, having two would reduce the anthropomorphically projected boredom they experience. Having more than two risks having Asana be branded as a crazy cat lady, potentially reducing shareholder value.
4. Integration Plan
It’s our belief that the kittens will integrate seamlessly into the existing office infrastructure. Though it’s hard to foresee possible incompatibilities, there are countless examples of kittens being deployed in production. Furthermore, it’s our belief that kittens are specifically well suited to Asana’s existing investments.
4.1. Supporting Infrastructure
In order to support the deployment of Office Kittens, we will also need to deploy automated food and water delivery systems, as well as a waste removal system. These systems are relatively cheap, and several Asana employees have previous experience installing, operating, and maintaining them in production.
5. Internationalization Plan
Dude, they are cats.
6. Monitoring and Logging
There is currently no monitoring or logging plan, but it is possible that in the future we may want to set up video equipment either in the office, or on the cats themselves.
It’s our belief that the kittens will provide a sufficient amount of security and no additional provisions will be necessary.
8. Additional Benefits
There is an existing body of evidence that suggests we can expect additional benefits from this deployment. Though it should be noted that most of it is anecdotal, and there have not been any peer-reviewed studies. That said, we might gain significant increases in efficiency across all our departments, from IT to accounting.
9. Potential Tradeoffs
The presence of office kittens are in direct opposition to noted Asana Kenny Van Zant’s health; specifically his ability to avoid anaphylactic shock throughout the work day. Kenny’s continued employment should therefore be viewed as an alternative to kittens, and the appropriate cost-benefit analysis run.
Kenny Van Zant: Current Benefits
1. Looks pretty
2. Monetizes Asana
Kittens: Equivalent Skills
1. 100% of a polled sample agree that kittens are cuter than Kenny, neutralizing and even ascribing an opportunity cost to benefit #1.
2. There is some question as to whether kittens could monetize Asana as effectively as Kenny. We conclude that after a fixed amount of time, kittens will naturally breed, gestate, and produce more kittens. Given the previously stated limit of two kittens per office, these would be sold for a positive sum, increasing Asana’s revenues infinitely over current figures.
Several lesser costs were analyzed but concluded to come out neutral:
- Kenny schedules more meetings, but kittens would cause more impromptu distraction
- Kittens would make better lunch-table companions, but Kenny writes more cogent UserOps Twitter replies
David Braginsky (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Malcolm Handley (email@example.com)
11. Revision History
Action Taken, Notes
Added Potential Tradeoffs Section