My fellow educators:

Right now,

as I speak to you today,

our school is heading for disaster.

The students are out of control,

behaving in a decidedly wild and carefree manner.

It cannot continue.

If they continue to show such dangerous levels

of individuality and joy,

before too long

this school will be nothing more

than a monkey house,

full of foolish creatures

that do nothing but run about

laughing and screeching,

looking for shiny objects with which they might amuse themselves.

We must stop this.

           School should be less fun,

and students should be more serious.

As I walk down the halls of the school,

I constantly see students laughing

and talking about things that have nothing to do with school:

foolish friendships,

silly sports,

meaningless movies and music,

and juvenile jokes.

I have even seen them playing games

and listening to music

on these wicked little devices they carry –

I believe they call them mobiles.

If they continue to spend their time between classes

on this kind of nonsense,

they will carry it with them into the classroom.

There they might show an interest

in ideas and subjects

other than the ones we as teachers wish to discuss,

and as we all know

that will not do.

We must keep the minds of the students

focussed on serious matters:

multiplication tables,

the capitals of the world,

and most importantly,

the proper punctuation of sentences.

There is too much joy here:

when we see students smiling,

it means they are not studying.

We need to stop all of this ridiculous independent thinking

and focus them on the serious side of life.

If students are laughing, smiling, telling jokes,

or talking about so-called interesting subjects,

they need to be stopped.

I recommend playing loud recordings

of grammar rules

and science lectures at all times.

If a student is laughing or smiling in the hallway,

we as teachers should stop

and give them math word problems.

If a group of students are talking about something besides their studies,

they should be assigned a reflection assignment with peer evaluation.

If all else fails,

frivolous students should be sent to detention

to think about what they should be thinking about when they are thinking about other things that they should not think about.

This may seem especially harsh,

but we will be doing it for their own good.

After all, we are preparing them for adulthood,

and is it fun to be an adult?

Of course not.

Let us help our students

by making them less interested in the world

and more interested in school.