March 12 , 2001

Writing Submission for “Late Night with Conan O'Brien”

written by

Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin Writing Submission 3-12-01

Doug, The Opposite Of A Pyromaniac Doug is the opposite of a pyromaniac. He is obsessed with fires, but his obsession revolves around putting them out . Doug aggressively anything that looks like a flame or fire. Unfortunately, a lot of things look like fire to Doug - like lights, a woman‘ s orange shirt, Conan‘ s hair, eto.

New Games Let's look at some of the new games that are currently for sale in toy stores in our country and around the world:

o Jesse Jackson Scrabble - you spell stuff, but you gotta make it rhyme and avoid actual words at all costs . N

ow available = the Post—seX-scandal

edition.

0 Chutes and Ladders, and Hookers — it's like

“Chutes and Ladders,” but there are hookers too!

0 Amish Twister — comes with glue-on beards, wool

suits, hats, and inflatable, burly women.

v Oui Oui — a French Game, in which you answer

trivia questions in French.

0 Wee Wee — an American Game, in which you pee on

stuff.

0 Japanese Boggle ~ it looks as difficult as it is.

0 The Jewla. Hoop. — speaks for itself. [picture of

Orthodox Jew using a Hula I-Ioop] .

0 Find Food — a Russian Game. From the makers of

"Find Shelter" .

Demetri Martin Writing Submission 3-12-01

weird Coincidences, As seen by Conan‘ s Friend, Scott

There are a lot of weird coincidences that most people don’t see. But Conan's friend Scott does see them -probably because he is unemployed and has a couch, where he spends a lot of time thinking end smoking pot . Sometimes scott comes to the show and sits in the audience. If conan

says something that strikes Scott, he interrupts and shares some of his amazing insights:

"conan, dude, you know your full name has the letters

NBC in it, man. And you have a show on NBC. Coincidence? I don't know man. "

" Conan, dude, you can also spell ‘A corn Robe ' with the letters in your name, you know. And I bet you have had oorn while wearing a robe. Like maybe a time when you were hungry and relaxed. Coincidence? I don't know man. "

"Conan, dude, you know the president's middle initial is . And if you flip that it's an 'M', which is the symbol for McDonald's. And one of the characters there is Grimace. And. if you compare a picture of Grimace with George W, they both have a grimace on their face. Coincidence? I don't know man. "

"conan, dude, there are 7 dwarves, you know, and there are also seven days in a week. And last week one day I was sleepy. And that is a dwarf name. Coincidence? I don't know man. "

Synchronized Pizza Guys

They are a lot like synchronized swimmers, but instead of applying their perfectly harmonized movements to swimming, these Italian guys devote them to making pizza. These two t-shirt-wearing masters of pizza production throw dough, add sauce, and sprinkle cheese with olympic grace. They are clearly tops in the field of synchronized food preparation. And they prove it time again as they face an array of challengers, including synchronized Sushi chefs, synchronized Greek cooks (who cut Gyros at the same time), a team of Swedish meatball preparers, and a host of others they face in head—to—head competition.

Cindy, Rare Doll Collector (With A Temper)

Her name is Cindy, she's sweet and she loves dolls. sometimes Cindy comes on the show to talk about her extensive collection of rare dolls . Also, Cindy is very sensitive and hates to he interrupted. When somebody interrupts cindy or things don ' t go her way, she loses her temper. And when that happens she takes her anger out on the dolls. And that happens a lot . Short fuse plus fragile dolls equals comedy.

Demetri Martin Writing Submission 3-12-01

Letters to Santa santa gets a lot of mail around christmas time. But that ' s not the only time he gets mail. Like everybody else, santa gets mail all year long. In this segment, we check out some of his mail and get a peak at the real man behind the red

suit and

beard. Some of the things in his mailbox include:

A letter from a lawyer who represents a woman in Skokie, Illinois to whom Santa owes child support.

A letter from the editor of Penthouse requesting that Mr. Claus stop submitting letters to Forum.

A letter from the president . "Deer Santa, I ‘m not shore when Christmas is, but can I pleese have a bike. And could I have some missiles, so I can bomb the hell out of Iraq."

Sad Clown - For A Reason Some clowns are sad. But no one really knows why. Until

now . One

around to see

Here are

sad clown has agreed to let Late Night follow him

why, like so many clowns, he is sad.

some examples of what we see:

Sad Clown gets rejected by women at a dance club.

Sad Clown steps in dog shit with his big clown shoes

Sad Clown reads Steel Magnolias, the novel.

Sad Clown goes to a restaurant, eats something and then gets severe diarrhea.

Sad Clown (a dummy version) gets hit by several cars From the last car a bunch of happy clowns emerge.

Sad Clown watches reruns of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

(note: Conan could be the clown if he's into that kind of

thing)

Office Memos

Conan and Andy share some of the latest Office Memos they've received from executives and higher—ups at the network. Each memo is accompanied by footage OI live shots . For example =

TO: All staff at Late Night FROM: Network Executives

DATE: octobef 1, 1999

RE: Office Party

We will be having an office party on Friday afternoon. All

staff are invited. Although most of you don’ t need

reminding, please try to maintain a professional level of

behavior so that we may avoid any repeat of what occurred -" at the last office party. Thank You.

After cehen reads the memo, Andy seems confused. He doe sh’ t know what__ the _memo refers to and doesn’ t even remember the last office party. we cut to a clip of the last office party, where we see a drunken, topless Andy standing on a table singing “I am woman near me roar" karaoke. There is an uncomfortable silence

at the party.

The Max Weinberg sth Shows “Up

The eighth memcer of the Max Weinberg seven shows up unexpectedly. The show is interrupted by an angry guy who explains that he was in the band, which originally had eight members. Max denies it. The guy explains that he was kicked out a long time ago by Max, because Max was jealous of his talent. He's been trying to find Max and the band for years. Conan asks him if he has a TV. The guy says he does and that he watches it all the time, but he isn't familiar with this show — in fact he’s never heard of it.

To prove his claim about the band, the guy has a clip of the band from back when he was in it. We see the band practicing in a garage. The guy is playing the drums. We see Max, with long, greasy hair and psychedelic glasses, playing a tambourine and dancing in a flowing robe. We cut to a clip of Max bullying the guy out of the band and taking his drum sticks from him. conan and Andy are shocked by this clip. They ask Max if there is anything else they should know about his past. He says no. But then more surprising facts come out of the woodwork, including illegitimate children and an affair with Kathy Lee Gifford.

Under the Couch Cushion

Andy shifts a little bit on the couch. Conan asks him what’ s wrong and Andy says he’ s a little uncomfortable . He decides to see if maybe there’ s something under the couch cushion. Upon lifting it up he finds some interesting things . At first he finds some change and little bits of garbage . But then he uncovers more interesting things, like stuff left from past guests (e . g. Pamela Anderson’ s old breasts) and finelly Gary Coleman or Abe vogota climbs out of the couch (from hole cut in back) . This segment could alternatively go in the fairy tale direction as a parody of the princess and the pea: a dressed as a king come out and demand that Andy, who has proven he is a princess, marry his son.

Closer Look at the Credits

We take a closer look at the credit rolls from some popular films and TV shows . By slowing down the credits, Andy and Conan get a closer look and discover some surprising things . we see interesting job titles and character names , surprising casting choices, unexpected people in the “Special Thanks” section, etc . A couple of examples include:

In credits for Harry and the Hendersons: Harry was played by Janet Reno.

In credits for 20/20: No animals were injured in the making of Sam Donaldson’ s hair.

In credits for The View: Special thanks to Star Jones’ trainers . [photo of Zigfried and Roy].

Rock , Paper, Scissors Conan and Andy decide to play rock, paper, scissors; but instead of using their hands they have people dressed in large costumes come out each time they play. ccnah and Andy count to three and the characters they think of come out from opposite sides of the stage and meet in the middle.

cohah picks Rock, Andy picks Scissors, They come out, Rock beats scissors . The characters dutifully go through the motions . They play again, picking the same two characters . Rock beats Scissors again, but this time Rock gets into it, showing off and celebrating. After being beaten, Scissors oaiis Andy an idiot on the way off stage. Rock thanks conan on his way out. . A.

Conan and Andy continue to play. This time scissors comes out with a sledge hammer and beats the crap out of Rock. Conan and Andy decide to stop playing. But now Rock and scissors are too into it. Rock brings out a_big guy in a muscle shirt to beat up scissors . The feud escalates until

finally we hear

they’ve pulled guns on each other. From off camera “You shoot those Scissors and you die next . " It’ s

Paper. They all shoot each other and we go to commercial.

Point, Counter Point, Counter Counter Point

In this

parody of shows like Crossfire, points, counter points,

and counter counter points are offered on a number of topics that" range from current news issues to general nonenews-related

topics. points, counizer

For the

All the deadpan

Legitimate—looking pundits present points and counter which represent familiar stances on the issues. The counter points come from Conan and Andy (taking turns) . segment they put on glasses to look mO1fe like pundits. pundits, including Conan and Andy, deliver their lines

Here is an example:

Point: Premarital sex is morally oorrupt and sinful .4 counter Point: Sex, as long as it is consensual, is a beautiful,

natural activity, and marriage has nothing to do with its

moral value . ~

counter counter Point: [Andy — looking very serious] I’ m

definitely an Assman.

Big Brother Program

In an effort to give a little bit back to the community, Andy and Conan decide to participate in the big brother program. video footage shows us a little bit of what that experience was like. In a few brief clips, we see Conan and Andy bonding with two old guys, their big brothers . They do a number of fun things together in the city like going into strip clubs , smoking behind a dumpster taking the “priority’ seats on the bus , and cat calling to older women as they walk by.

Where’ s Max’?

In this parody of “where' s waldo?" we see still shots of different places and scenarios . Each has Max Weinberg hidden somewhere in the photo or drawing. Some examples

Max with 6 black guys who are dressed just like him

A Bruce springstein Concert. Max is nowhere to be found on

stage, so we pan through the audience. Finally, in the seoond—to-last row, we find Max, sitting alone.

The oast photo from “Felicity” - Max’ s head on a teen girl body

What’ s Hot and What’ s Not

This segment features the latest rundown of what’ s hot and what's not. These lists represent what's hot and what's not in different places and subcultures around the US and world today. still photos , images and video footage accompany list items . For example ;

“What' s Hot and What’ s Not in Federal Prison. "

What’ s I-lot: Liquid Soap

The Phrase “I’ll cut you, man”

Nick from the Backstreet Boys Tattoos of daggers, devils, and Pat Buchanan

What’ s Not: Pillow Talk

Guys who still call it “The Joint” Sharp Objects Blunt Objects Being someone’ s bitch

Scars

This is a sketch which pokes fun at how people often turn showing off their scars into a contest. Conan has a banc1—aid on his finger. Andy asks him what happened. Conan explains that he was using the stapler in the office and cut his finger. He shows Andy the cut and says “Isn’ t that nasty. " Andy is unimpressed.

Andy decides to show Conan a scar”. He lifts up his shirt to reveal a scar actcee his stomach in the ehape of the sole of a cowboy bcct. He explains that back in '89 he got a little drunk at a wild line dancing party. Max, overbearing the discussion, says “You think that’ s a Scar. Look at this. " He pulls down his slacks to reveal a huge smeared ink spot on the back of his upper thigh. He explains that in the middle of getting a tattoo he accidentally knocked over the guy’ s bottle of whiskey.

Then a voice from off camera chimes in: “You call that a scar. "

It's one of the guys on the crew. He's missing an arm and a leg. He says he was involved in a really dangerous game of tag in a

saw factory and tripped while being chased. He’ s interrupted by