Drunk Ludi

[b]Ludiv Hawkins - Thranack's bodyguard

Merillian barracks - Day ---[/b]

I sat at the table staring at the bottle of wine I had found. I was contemplating drinking it, by myself, right now. I didn't want to have these feelings, they were unasked for and disturbed my peace of mind. I had heard that getting drunk helped you lose yourself if you drunk it all. [i]The day can't get any worse then it already is.[/i] I reached out and uncorked the bottle with a deft twist of my wrist and took a large gulp. The bitter liquid scorched it's way down my throat. I winced but decided to take another gulp.

[i]See what you've come to, Hawkins? This is what comes of having feelings for your charge.[/i] I thought back to Thranack kissing Lierre and took a deep swig of the wine, wincing again. He had seemed uncomfortable all day, and I had kept up my loyal, unruffled guard façade. I had managed to keep it up all day, but it had hurt me inside. [i]Why did this happen?[/i] Another swig. [i]Why did I decide to become a bodyguard? It was because of my Father, wasn't it?[/i] The wine burned on its way down. [i]Would he be proud of where I am? Would he be disappointed in my feelings?[/i] 

I stared at the bottle for a few minutes and then grabbed it again and up-ended it, taking rapid gulps. I could feel my thoughts going hazy, and blurring out. I put the bottle down, the liquid in it sloshing around inside. It was already half empty. I drew out a dagger, not really sure what I was going to do with it until I splayed out my hand on the table and started stabbing the dagger between them, getting faster and faster. The blade had started to blur too when the door opened in front of me and Sir Brekyr walked in. He stopped when he saw me and frowned slightly.

"Ludi? What're you doing here?"

"I'm... drinking, sir." My tongue felt slightly heavy, but the pain in my heart was numbed along with my thoughts of Thranack, and it was so nice.

"You don't drink." I could hear the disapproval in his voice, as well as something else, but for once I couldn't care. 

"Apparently, I do. It's very nice really, sir." [i]I don't have to worry about anything, not even the stupid, thoughtless Prince that I've fallen in love with.[/i] "I was thinking about my Father actually."

I reached for the dagger again and started stabbing it between my fingers again after having taken another swig. I stopped for a second, passed the dagger to my left hand and started stabbing again, this time coming dangerously close to my fingers. Sir Brekyr's hand suddenly closed around mine, twisting the dagger from my grasp and placing it out of reach as he sat down across from me.

"Ludi, stop. Why are you doing this?" I ignored his question and reached for the bottle again, wanting to blur my thoughts further. 

"You knew him, didn't you, sir? Would he be proud of me?" [i]Probably not if he saw me right now.[/i]

"Of course! Why wouldn't he be?" I glanced at him, looking straight into his eyes.

"I don't think he would be if he knew half of what was going on in here." I pointed to my heart then took another few gulps. "No one would be." I murmured, running my finger around the mouth of the bottle a few times before taking a sip. I laughed slightly. "Gods, but this wine is crap. But it helps. It helps so much." Tears pricked my eyes and slowly started to trace lines down my cheeks. Concern painted Brekyr's face. 

"I watched him today, didn't take my eyes off of him, even though I know that I can't have him. And it hurt so much. So, so much." I took a few gulps again and set the bottle on the table. Sir Brekyr reached for the bottle, probably wanting to take it from me, but I slid it away from him. he wasn't going to take away the only thing giving me numbness. "I want him even though I can never have him. What does that make me? Do you have the answer, sir, because I sure don't. I don't have a way to stop these feelings. I wish there was, but there isn't. I can't cope with it any more. I can't stop my feelings for him and I don't know what to do." The last words came out in a shout. I grabbed the bottle and downed the last of the wine, slamming the bottle back onto the table, which was suddenly looking very inviting. Sir Brekyr looked at the it, slightly shocked. He hadn't noticed how empty it was. 

" Ludiv-" he started, reaching over to me. I couldn't think, didn't know why I had told him all of that. The world was starting to turn into a blur of colours.

"I don't know what to do, Mister Brek..." I whispered, trailing off as my head hit the table.

~~~~

[b]Ludiv Hawkins - Thranack's bodyguard

Merillian barracks - Day ---[/b]

I woke up to a splitting headache. It felt as if someone was repeatedly hitting me over the head with a training sword. The pain throbbed among with my heartbeat. I groaned and rolled over onto my back, the movement making bile rise in my throat. My thoughts were hazy. 

"F**k me." I groaned, finally seeing why it was one of Thranack's favourite phrases. [i]What was I thinking?[/i] The rustle of the sheets sounded like a forest during a hunt and my head was ringing. I lay there for a few minutes wondering if I could stand without throwing up. [i]Come on, Hawkins, it's not a hangover that's going to stop you from doing your job. And there are the first rounds of the Tournament today.[/i] I rolled off of my bed and landed on my feet. The room swayed for a second then stopped. I swallowed down another wave of nausea and glanced down at myself. I was still in my dress uniform and I glared at it for a second before stripping it off and finding a clean uniform. It was already halfway on before I realised that I stank of alcohol. [i]I need a shower. A cold one.[/i] I finished dressing, then grabbed a towel of from my drawers and headed for the baths, trying to ignore the spiking pain in my head.

There was no one there - I had woken almost an hour and a half earlier than most, something that even being hung over couldn't stop. I slipped into one of the cubicles, stripped and stepped under the freezing water. My thoughts cleared almost immediately and the headache receded too. Once I was done, I towelled off my hair before dumping the towel into the laundry chute. Next on the list was breakfast. I needed to be able to beat people in the Tournament today, and that wasn't going to happen if I was hungry.