MBMBAM 01: Gettin’ Beebed
Published April 12, 2010
[“Take a Chance on Me” playing]
Justin: [as music fades out] Welcome. Welcome to our show, the show is called My Brother, My Brother, and Me. I am Justin Mcelroy, I’m joined by my titular brothers – [Griffin and Travis laughing] – great, good start everybody. Travis and Griffin. This is an advice show for the modern era, mainly fashion. We take your questions every day, every – well, not every day, every week, and we –
Griffin: Every second, real time.
Justin: Every second.
Griffin: This is why it’s a mod-ren show. It’s every –
Justin: Just call. Now.
Griffin: Now.
[Griffin and Justin continue to repeat “now” back and forth]
Travis: Has anyone called yet? I haven’t gotten any.
Justin: Oop, no. No. If you wanna reach us, you can always ask a question on Twitter, you can use the hashtag #mbmbam, or you can email us at mbmbam@gmail.com. That, of course, stands for “my brother, my brother, and me.” Our original title was deemed too long.
Griffin: I actually have a list of some of the titles as we were spitballing.
Justin: Yeah?
Griffin: Well, go ahead and say yours, ‘cause I know what you’re going to –
Justin: The best I – my personal favorite – and it wasn’t mine, I’m actually pretty sure you came up with it.
Griffin: It was absolutely mine.
Justin: Kenan and Kel and Justin and Travis and Griffin. Which is a better name than “My Brother, My Brother, and Me,” but –
Griffin: Yeah. And can you imagine, like, after our first 350 episodes, when we finally had the –
Travis: Kenan and Kel on there?
Griffin: The draw to get the KKs up on the show.
Travis: I would worry about the Kenan and Kel runoff, where people would want to listen for Kenan and Kel, and then they’re not there at first. It could confuse them, you know what I mean?
Justin: Right, right. And you don’t wanna lose that demographic, of Kenan and Kel –
Griffin: [on the verge of laughter] I also don’t wanna lose all of my orange soda, ‘cause Kel would drink it right up.
Travis: You know who loves orange soda?
Griffin: I’ve heard that Kel enjoys the occasional orange soda.
Travis: He loves orange soda.
Justin: [giggling] From time to time. [stuttering] Guys, I don’t actually – you’ll have to forgive me, I – does drinking orange soda have racial connotations that maybe fans of Kenan & Kel –
Griffin: Oh no, I didn’t even think about that!
Justin: Does it?
Griffin: Guys, guys, listen, listen, I’m not racist, Kenan – or Kel, I’m sorry, Kel –
Justin: [laughing] Loves orange soda.
Griffin: Kel totally loves orange soda, that is a frequent subject on that show.
Justin: Yeah, this is a topic that –
Travis: Listen, I can verify, he does, he does, he do-es. [laughter]
Justin: YouTube it. Just ‘Tube it.
Griffin: Side note, let’s go ahead and derail this train of thought a little further.
Justin: Oh, good. Good.
Griffin: Kel, I think, was in a movie that I saw at the Blockbuster Video called Who Made the Potato Salad.
Travis: Yes, he was!
Griffin: That was the last – that was in 1998 when I saw that video cassette on that store shelf, and that was the last time I ever saw Kel Mitchell.
Travis: He went into his novel-writing career.
Griffin: I don’t actually think –
Justin: You know what’s weird about that? By sheer serendipity, our first question this week on My Brother, My Brother, and Me comes to us from the_potato. The-underscore-potato, on Twitter. He asks, “I want a larger follower count, but I’m finding it difficult to get more than two in a day. What can I do?”
Griffin: Start a bunch of accounts and have ‘em follow each other.
Justin: [laughs] Just – yeah, we’re talking about a question of determination, right?
Griffin: You could open a business where you have a thousand accounts, right? I don’t think there’s any limitation to that, right? You don’t – it’s not like Facebook. You can just, you know, shit and five Twitter accounts fall out. You could have this network, and you could say, “I’ll give you a thousand followers in a day, you just pay me fifty bucks.” And then, you know, you’re spending all day clicking the follow button, but still, fifty bucks!
Travis: You know what I’m willing to bet? Someone is doing that somewhere. I have to believe – [crosstalk]
Griffin: Tell me who they are, and I’ll shell out fifty bucks for a thousand followers.
Justin: The question is really one of quality, right? Like, if I see a funny Tweet, usually I’m gonna click on that name. I’m gonna say, “what is your – what are you offering, what’s your story?” And I will look at them, I will read their words, I will open up their mind and see what’s inside. And if I’m climbing around in there and I like what I see, I like the territory, I’m gonna stake my claim. I’m gonna give them a follow.
Travis: And can I say, if you’re getting two new followers a day?
Justin: Not bad.
Travis: That ain’t bad. No.
Griffin: Yeah, it’s pretty good. ‘Cause pretty soon, exponentially, they’re gonna start retweeting the funny shit you say and then it’s gonna be three followers a day, and then four followers a day, and then... hold on, I... let me remember my –
Travis: Sixty-two.
Griffin: I gotta pull out my Fibonacci sequence. But I think it’s sixty-two.
Justin: Yeah, sixty-two, and then from there, you just start tweeting about products you’re using, sponsored tweets.
Griffin: And then, boom.
Justin: Highway to danger zone. You’re rich.
Travis: And then you’re famous.
Justin: Yep.
Travis: That’s how it works. That’s how you get money.
Griffin: That’s how you get Biebed.
Justin: Yeah, that’s how Bieber did it. Bieber started – Bieber started his career standing in the middle of malls, just singing at the top of his lungs. And then two people came up and they were like, “what are you doing?” and he’s like, “exactly.”
Griffin: He wasn’t even singing at first, he was just like, “just ate a sandwich at Subway, it was real good,” but he had to say it in less than 140 letters. Now he’s on Saturday Night Live.
Travis: I just want to state: I don’t know who Justin Bieber is.
Justin: What?
Travis: I know of his existence –
Griffin: He’s so talented –
Travis: I have no context.
Justin: You realize that that sorta like – that, like, postmodern detachment from popular culture? That’s not cool anymore. I hear it was cool back in the early 2000s, but it’s – [crosstalk]
Travis: All I know is that he has a funny name.
Griffin: No no no no no. He really is – this is me being completely unironic. You guys remember when I got on that Twilight kick, but you guys knew that it wasn’t – I was being ironic. This is my most sincere. Justin Bieber’s super talented. Watched him on Saturday Night Live last night, oh my god.
Justin: Oh, he knew what was up. [crosstalk]
Travis: He was on Saturday Night Live? Isn’t he, like, eight?
Griffin: He – he’s, like, eight.
Justin: He’s thirteen.
Travis: Oh, forget about it.
Griffin: He stayed up past his bedtime to rock us all. To sleep.
Justin: Yeah, he rocked you to sleep. Ironic, ‘cause I heard that by twelve, he was getting super cranky. [all laugh] He’s like, “I don’t wanna go down!”
Travis: Well, I believe that answers your question, “who is Justin Bieber?”
Justin: Someone had to have asked that, right?
Griffin: Speaking of questions, this one comes from Yahoo. The question is, “What is the chord progression during the intro of the ABC series Greek?”
Justin: [laughing hysterically] What?
Griffin: It comes to us from Yahoo Answers user Resuin.
Travis: Was it all in caps? Was it all in – he had to know right this second!
Griffin: Dude, you know what, it’s all, actually – except for – he capitalized “chord progression” and “intro,” which, no. But he did put Greek in, like, single apostrophes. Which –
Justin: What?
Griffin: Yeah, I know, it kind of followed AP style!
Justin: So, Resuin –
Griffin: More importantly, what the fuck, man?!
Justin: [laughing] That’s what you care about?
Griffin: What?
Justin: What? Do you think that Resuin is his Christian name? Do you think his manager at Arby’s is like, “Resuin, make all these fries?”
Travis: [imitating manager] “Resuin, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
Griffin: More puzzling than his moniker is... why he’s trying to play the chord progression during the intro of the ABC series Greek! Sorry, let me finish the question: “What is the chord progression, or is it from a song? I'm not talking about the Plain White T's Song, I'm talking about the short five-second chord progression that plays during the intro to Greek in the current season.” Well, uh, they’re currently in season five.
Justin: [laughs] So, not to be confused with the progression from –
Griffin: Don’t get that shit twisted, because the first four seasons opened up with Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T’s. Now it’s just, like, a generic sort of four-chord – you’d know it if you heard it.
Justin: Yeah, of course, you’d know [imitating chords], right? That one?
Griffin: You just play it by ear.
Travis: I love that that’s a concern. Like, that he watched the show, and all he came away with was, “what were those notes?”
Justin: What were those notes?
Griffin: I’ll get that occasionally, like, from a television show. I’m sure that there have been… like, Tailspin.
Justin: Sure.
Griffin: I’ll wanna learn the intro to Tailspin on guitar and then I will go and I will make that dream a reality.
Justin: We’re not talking, though – we’re not talking about –
Griffin: We’re not talking about a timeless children’s cartoon classic.
Justin: A song, where you play it at a party and get the whole party rocking! We’re talking about five notes where someone’s like “What is that? Was that a song?” “Oh, you know, the beginning of Greek, just kicking it off!”
Travis: “The beep-boop-bop-boop-beep song!”
Justin: “Yeah, you know, from Greek!”
Griffin: Oh, sh – wait a minute!
Justin: Wait a minute. Not only would I not recognize that upon hearing it, no one watches Greek! No one’s ever seen it!
Travis: Well, that’s the heart of the matter.
Griffin: No, no, listen, I got it, I just got confused. He said “ABC series Greek.” It’s ABC Family series.
Justin: Oh, right.
Griffin: I have seen that show. [crosstalk]
Travis: Yeah, no, those five notes rule. They are epic tier.
Griffin: I own the whole collection. The whole Greek – they call it the Frat House Box Set Duplex Edition.
Travis: It comes in a keg, which is nice.
Griffin: It comes in two kegs, ‘cause there’s a lot of disks.
Justin: And as soon as you go to open it, it melts it down. As well it should be. [derisively] Greek. It’s a fine question, and I don’t have an answer for you.
Griffin: Go play better music. Go learn how to play – there’s so many good songs.
Justin: SpamBot wants to know, “How do I get my incredibly talented artist friends to draw more?”
Griffin: I – I don’t think – if your quote-unquote “incredibly talented artist friends,” if they don’t draw that frequently, then they’re either not incredibly talented or they’re not artists. At all.
Travis: Or they’re not your friends.
Griffin: Well, no, I wouldn’t go that far. Maybe they’re doing all this secret drawing and they’re just keepin’ it on the low-down.
Travis: Yeah, that’s for their real friends.
Griffin: [imitating artists] “Oh shit, here comes SpamBot. Put the pencil down! Put down the pencils, here he comes!”
Justin: [laughing] I don’t want her to see, ‘cause every time he’s like [stuttering] that’s a twenty minute conversation. He sees them working, and it's – [imitating SpamBot] “Oh, I’m so glad to see you’re doing that.”
Griffin: “Hey, what’re ya stencling there?”
Travis: “Aw, keep it up. Keep. It. Up.”
Griffin: “Really? Whatever happened? You did two years at RISD, and then you just bounced. What happened to your life?”
Travis: “Now you're doing sculpting? Go back to drawing!” Um, my advice is this: most likely, they know better than you know, how good they actually are.
Justin: [laughing] Their advanced knowledge of the field.
Travis: Yeah, so you're looking at it going, “oh my god!” but they've just been sketching Marvin the Martian.
[wheezing laughter]
Justin: You think it's funny and ironic but really, like, they know it's Marvin the Martian.
Travis: [imitating artist] “Yeah listen, I just drew this dog and an upside-down heart and he's a happy dog,” and you're like “Oh my god!” and you're crying and moved. Um, let them not draw that anymore.
Justin: That’s probably a good idea.
Griffin: Um, here's another one from the Yahoo contingency. This one's from Caitlin W.
Justin: These are not our fans, by the way. These are not MBMBAM –
Travis: Wait, to jump back real quick, if you actually want them to draw more, encourage them, but –
Justin: Wait, really, you're just gonna –
Griffin: No, no, no. Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh.
Travis: I’m just saying –
Justin: We’re done here, we’re done here.
Griffin: Okay, here we go. This, uh – this one. Headline: “I went on a first date with this guy, I didn't know what to say to him? So a guy I knew went on a date with me today. I was really excited beforehand and I couldn't wait to see him. I really like him a lot, no words can describe it. So anyways, we went to a movie and then when it was over, we walked around, but I didn't have much to say. Neither did him. It felt sort of awkward. I did wanna say something, I just don't know what.” [Travis laughing] “So I hope to god that there's going to be another date with him soon.” [Justin laughing]
Travis: “You know who I like? That quiet girl!”
Griffin: She goes on to ask for topics, like, to talk about. What struck me was, “Yeah, we had this super awkward date. We didn’t have anything to talk about. Just three hours spent in the most horrifying silence imaginable. So, God I can’t wait for date two!”
Justin: “Date two! Bringin’ it back! He said he’d take me to Coldstone! Woo!”
Griffin: At least at Coldstone you have, “Oh so, uh, what’d you go with? Cake batter and graham crackers? That’s, uh – ”
Travis: “Are there gummy bears in there? Are they in there?”
Justin: It’s not a big deal.
Griffin: “Do you have a funny story about graham crackers? I don’t either.”
Travis: “Can’t wait to see you on date three!”
Griffin: “What time is it? It’s only 7:21, oh my god.”
Travis: “What time is your mom picking us up?”
Justin: You know, the real awkward moment that had to be like [pause]
[imitating date] “Hey, hey, what are you writing on your phone?” [Griffin and Travis laugh] “I just – I was just asking Yahoo – ” [Griffin laughs] “The date was going – I thought it was going pretty good – ” “Well.”
Griffin: [laughing] Oh my god, I didn’t read the answers! The answers! Uh... I’ve already found my favorite. Here’s –
Justin: Okay. Just read the favorite.
Griffin: This one isn’t my favorite, I’m gonna save the favorite, give ‘em suspense. Here’s not my favorite: “Oooh, he probably thinks you’re not interested in him now! Text him now and say ‘I really enjoyed our date’ with a smiley face.” [laughter]
Justin: This is so important, the smiley face.
Travis: Yeah, you don’t wanna come off ironic.
Griffin: Danny says: “Well, for my first dates, I usually go on a double date.” Oh, that makes, you know, I’ve pulled that game. I’ve played that game before. Here’s my favorite. [struggling to talk while laughing] This one’s from Jack Daniels, one of the few people on Yahoo Questions with an avatar and it’s him –
Justin: Ironically, if you’re Jack Daniels, you never have to worry about what to say next. It’s just there.
Griffin: It’s an avatar of him and he’s wearing a backwards baseball hat and he’s got headphones on and he’s winking, right?
Travis: Uh-huh.
Griffin: This is –
Justin: Wait, this is Jack Daniels with like the old –
Griffin: Jack Daniels avatar.
Justin: Like sepia-tone goatee? Jack Dan –
Griffin: Nah, it’s like one of those fucking zwinky, like, “Cartoon yourself!”
Travis: Aww yeah!
Justin: [laughing]
Griffin: Here’s the answer, you ready? [shushing] No laughing, seriously. This was answered 23 minutes ago, too, so this is hot off the oven.
Travis: Right.
Justin: [laughs]
Griffin: [shushing very quietly]
Justin: [laughing] I can’t. I can’t do this!
Griffin: [shushing insistently]
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: [more shushing]
Justin: Okay, okay.
Griffin: “Sometimes the quietest moments can say the most about yourself.”
Travis and Justin: [laughing hysterically]
Travis: When there’s footprints in the sand but it’s just the one set.
Griffin: I’m literally creating a Yahoo Answers profile right now so that I can give his comment a thumbs up. Make it the highest rated answer of all time.
Justin: [still laughing]
Travis: I would like to picture him really super drunk when he wrote that too, like, this is a quiet moment.
Justin: “Hey, hey Jack Daniels? Can you take your headphones off and talk to –” [crosstalk]
Griffin: [laughing]
Justin: “Nah, girl, nah. Listen, straight up –”
Griffin: [laughing] Straight up.
Justin: “The quietest moments – girl, I just told this one bitch on Yahoo Answers. What’s up? I just told her that the quietest – the quietest answers, you know? What’s up.”
Griffin: What’s great – it’s all –
Travis: To be fair –
Griffin: His answer is all lowercase, too. [whispering] So it’s really quiet.
Travis: And you know what? He’s right, ‘cause those quiet moments told her date, “This is a terrible date.”
Griffin: [laughs] “This is awful.”
Justin: You did, in effect, communicate more than you probably could have.
Travis: [whispering] “Hey, guess what? I’m boring.”
Griffin: [whispering] “This is what it would be like forever if we got married.”
Justin: [whispering] “Forever.” [speaking normally] “Can you imagine our children sitting in silence and staring at us and wondering why Mommy and Daddy don’t talk?” [whispering] “Think of it. It’s a world away. But it’s really just a second date away. Call me.”
Travis: [laughing] “No, don’t!”
Justin: Exac – “Text me, and then I won’t answer, and it’ll be like I’m there.”
Travis: “Call me, and I’ll breathe into the phone for a while.”
Justin: Suzanne – I believe it’s I-L-E-S, but it could be two l’s at the end – she’s actually from County Cork according to her Twitter profile. She wants to know how she can add, oh, about 10 hours to her day. Now this is of course impossible, but time management: what’s the secret?
Griffin: I’ve got a couple –
Travis: Don’t sleep.
Griffin: I’ve got a couple things –
Justin: [reading question] “I really need advice on how to add, oh, about ten hours to my day. Could you help?” We can, of course. We always have an answer.
Griffin: Alright, um, the not sleeping thing is good, but like, not jokingly, like, sleep less. Go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier.
Justin: See, I don’t agree – I don’t cotton to that. I think your sleep time is so important.
Griffin: It is important but you don’t have to do thirteen hours of it, you know? You gotta take good care of yourself and then get, I don’t know, seven?
Travis: Here’s the way I look at it. Go to sleep later, but wake up at the same time. Because that so much for me is I wake up earlier and I’m tired even if I got the same amount of sleep.
Justin: It’s very – yeah.
Griffin: Do you know what another good one that I’ve been working on?
Justin: What?
Griffin: And that, um – just don’t – try your very best to not... read... anything.
Justin and Travis: [laugh]
Griffin: Don’t read – ‘cause every second you spend – not even a book, like, but on the Internet. Every second you –
Travis: Or a sign.
Griffin: Or a road sign, or instructions for medicine. Those are minutes –
Justin: If you must –
Griffin: Minutes a day that you spend reading that you could spend doing other things. If you read a lot and if you cut that out of your regimen? Oh, it’s so much time. You’re just gonna – you’ll be amazed at how the day opens up to you.
Justin: In the news, in the news biz, we have something called the inverted pyramid where the most important stuff is at the top. So basically just read the headline, and if you’re not gettin’ the news then they’ve let you down. If you have to read beyond that –
Griffin: Oh, oh, oh. I should have been more specific. Just don’t read the news either. There’s not much of a reason to read it, and that’s –
Travis: Once you read the news, it’s already happened.
Justin: Yeah.
Travis: That’s passed, that’s done.
Justin: Yeah, that’s back – and you know what? Another thing people do is they do things too many times. Like, you go to hug someone and you start the hug and it’s like, “Yes, I get you’re hugging me,” and you start enjoying it too much and you’re there for, what? Twenty, thirty minutes. Just give ‘em a quick in-and-out. You give ‘em a quick hug, you’re done. The hug is accomplished and then you’ve got – you just picked up twenty minutes.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Also stop eating.
Griffin: [pause] No, eating’s cool.
Justin: No, eating’s down.
Griffin: Eating’s pretty cool. I’m saying that you need to reevaluate, you need to look at the things in your life that you’re doing and you need to figure out what you would rather be doing with that time.
Justin: Also, seems counterintuitive, mid-day nap.
Travis: Yeah!
Justin: Just super energizing, get yourself a pazziz going. Just, ooh, in-and out.
Griffin: ‘Cause if you can get a twenty-minute –
Justin: Just a twenty-minute power nap.
Griffin: Twenty-minute power nap –
Travis: Oh, yeah.
Griffin: In midday, then the rest of the day’s gonna feel longer.
Justin: Right.
Travis: Uh-huh.
Griffin: It’s a little secret.
Justin: Yeah. Little pro-tip. It’s about perception. It’s a question of perception... Ryan Gan is afraid of bees, wasps, and hornets.
Griffin: Should be.
Justin: Yeah, he should. When he wears red shirts in the spring, “they seem to go near me. What do I do?”
Travis: Don’t go outside – I don’t know [crosstalk] –
Justin: That’s a – okay, first of all, that’s a perfect – we have so many fears that are irrational. The fear of stinging insects is a direct, real – celebrate that fear! That’s exactly right! Yes!
Travis: Yup. ‘Cause like, I’m being afraid of a shark that’s swimming near me. Yeah!
Justin: Yeah, absolutely!
Travis: Yeah, be afraid of that shark!
Justin: Absolutely.
Griffin: Um, I mean the smart-ass answer is don’t wear… don’t wear a red shirt.
Justin: He probably doesn’t have a choice.
Travis: That’s what I said, yeah.
Justin: The enterprise captain told him that he doesn’t have long for this world, so he’s wearing a red shirt. He’s gonna get skucked.
Griffin: But I get, like –
Justin: Gonna go to planet four and get skucked by some multi-tentacled, phaser-wielding –
Griffin: I understand that – I have so few shirts in my life that I think – I have a good, positive body image when I’m wearing, and one of them – one of them’s red. And, like, maybe Ryan’s in the same boat where he’s got this sweet-ass red shirt that he got at PacSun and it makes him feel –
Justin: Griffin is sort of like Doug Funnie.
Griffin: It makes him feel good to wear it.
Justin: Griffin wears – Griffin has fundamentally what is a uniform, the Griffin uniform. You open up his closet, it’s twenty of this red shirt from PacSun –
Travis: And all snap-button shirts.
Griffin: It’s red flannel –
Justin: Slacks, a cock ring – [Justin and Travis laugh] and a pair of sneakers. Just the same every day.
Travis: And his mask.
Griffin: A red cock ring. I – but I understand what he’s saying. Like, this – not wearing the red shirt’s not an option because if you stop wearing the red shirt, then the terrorists-wasps win.
Travis: Yes.
Griffin: So, what you can do... is you can spritz yourself with Off. But that’s not – you don’t want that scent following you around. I heard about these things, they are medallions. They’re medallions that you can either, like, snap to your belt or, I guess, wear around your neck if you – they’re not particularly stylish but they exude Off, or some sort of bug repellent, so –
Travis: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.
Griffin: No, it’s not like – it’s – why is it disgusting? It’s not unsanitary. It’s like a little puck.
Travis: No because I’m picturing wearing it like a necklace, and it just exuding Off. It’s just really gross.
Griffin: Like, anti-wasp pheromones.
Justin: Alright, what do you say smell like? You smell like Off, you have a deet, you have a deet-esque aroma.
Griffin: Sort of citronella –
Travis: You have a real strong citronella smell.
Justin: Sort of a citronella meets Off –
Travis: And ass.
Justin: And just ass, like, you smell like ass. Like an ass.
Griffin: Dude, that medallion though –
Travis: But you look awesome. You look like a dream.
Griffin: Looks really great with that red shirt. It all colludes…
Justin: Are we talking about like an enchantment? Is this more of an enchantment, sort of?
Griffin: I would say –
Justin: The only medallions that I know of are either beef or enchanted. [Griffin giggles]
Travis: Here’s what you do, you go down to the magic store and you tell them that you’re having a wasp issue. He knows what you’re talking about, don’t worry, he’s got it –
Justin: He’s very old, he goes down to the... uh, to the medallion wing of the magic store, gets you a medallion, not a big deal.
Griffin: The other thing you can do is just run away from ‘em as fast as you can.
Justin: Yeah, just – they are – they are really –
Griffin: That’s my – Travis –
Justin: They are really small.
Travis: Make sure you scream like a girl too, that’s really important.
Justin: Yeah, that is a natural defense.
Griffin: Travis and I, in our Cincinnati love nest, we have a balcony and I’ll occasionally go up there and play guitar for all the children, the small children –
Travis: He plays the five chords from Greek.
Justin: [laughing]
Griffin: I play the five chords from Greek over and over again. Sometimes I’m just having a good time, you know, playing a mellow Greek jam. And then, like, three big, fat bumblebees will come up and start –
Travis: Enjoying the jam.
Griffin: I don’t think they’re –
Travis: “Is that Greek? You playing Greek? Very good.”
Griffin: These motherfuckers, they are plump with... blood? I think? And they’ll just –
Justin: [laughing] Yes, yes. Bees that carry blood from person to person, inject them with blood.
Griffin: They’ll just – I’ve seen bees before –
Travis: And that’s how babies are made.
Justin: That’s how babies are made, exactly, Trav.
Griffin: These are the fattest bees I’ve ever seen, and they’ll just rush me/ And I have to get up in the middle of my jam and squeal and just get – like throw the screen door open and get inside it. Like, I just bought this new guitar. I don’t care if it slams into the brick wall as I’m, like, getting into the building and shutting the screen door behind me. Like, it’s terrifying, but you just gotta get out of there. It’s just one of those things you have to deal with.
Justin: Yeah, that’s – you know what? That’s life. Scratty Bones, do you guys know him? Scratty Bones on Twitter. He, uh –
Travis: Scratty Bones Jones?
Justin: Scratty Bones Jones. “How many times a week should I shampoo my hair? I’m currently on a wash thrice, shampoo every third wash cycle.” Okay we’re gonna get – just real talk here, um –
Travis: Yeah, you’ve just entered into our wheelhouse, friend.
Justin: Listen, this is a matter of some debate for men of dry hair.
Griffin: Lemme open up – lemme open up by saying I didn’t know – like, this is one of those many many things that I, as a 22-year-old adult should – should know and incorporate in my life, but I shampoo my hair every time I get in the shower.
Travis: See, that’s why you’ve got that coarse hair!
Justin: That’s why you’ve got that hair like you have! Griffin!
Griffin: So I shouldn’t be dis –
Justin: You’re having an awakening – [quietly] guys, it’s our first awakening.
Griffin: I feel like when I don’t –
Travis: You’re listening to Awakenings with Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy.
Griffin: I feel like I’m getting dirty. Like, if I don’t do it, I feel dirty.
Justin: But the thing is, the natural oils that your scalp produces makes your hair look – think of it from like, a caveman era. Your body biologically wants your hair to look better.
Griffin: Right.
Justin: It’s trying to make your hair look better. It’s doing what it can to help you. And you are defeating it –
Travis: I like the three-day rotation. I like the –
Justin: The three-day rotation, I am down. Now sometimes, what’s the problem? You gotta get in there on that third day with a real hard scrub, or your scalp’s gonna go to shit.
Griffin: Right. That’s the nightmare scenario.
Travis: And also it depends, for me, if I – when my hair gets longer and I know I’m running my hands through it a lot and getting it real gross, I’ll do a two-day rotation.
Justin: Sure, yeah. We’ve – and if you use a lot of product one day –
Travis: Yeah.
Justin: And you’ve gotta get away from that feeling. And you know what? I would also, if you want – if that’s not good for you, get yourself a nice, like, smoothing gel. Something that’s gonna reduce that frizz for you. My man Sunny, my gay person hair stylist, at Mastercuts. That’s my boy, Sunny. He says [imitating Sunny, vaguely foreign accent] “Oh we’ll get you some – it looks real good buddy.” That’s what he always says, no matter how he cuts it.
Griffin: Wait a minute, Sunny? I know that fool, he used to work at Fantastic Sams, right?
Justin: Yeah, yeah.
Griffin: And he migrated?
Justin: Yeah he migrated. He went – like a beautiful –
Travis: To a more gay person friendly place.
Justin: [laughing] Yeah, but the Fantastic Sams wasn’t gay person friendly enough for Sunny.
Griffin: Well, with a name like Fantastic Sams, I mean.
Justin: Yeah, you’d think.
Travis: Oh, you know, they’re real heterosexual American friendly.
Justin: Do you know what’s adorable? You know what’s adorable, he says “Hey,” – I’m always going on a Friday for some reason, and he says “Well, what’re you doing this weekend, buddy?” You know, I’ll tell him whatever boring shit I’m doing. He says, “I’m gonna go down to this new gay bar, it’s called –” whatever, Accelerate or whatever the new gay bar is. Shemanagins. “I’m gonna go down to Shemanagins and uh, you know, my friends they always drag me to these gay bars. I don’t know, buddy.” And it’s like, c’mon! C’mon, Sunny!
Travis: [laughs] “I don’t even know what’s going on.”
Justin: Come on. You’re impeccably dressed, come on. I don’t care. It’s sad, the reason we live in – he’s been conditioned to try to keep that on the DL. But no, I mean, he’s great. But anyway, my man Sunny, my boy Sunny, he says to use the... he says that I should use a smoothing gel, so I do. Just a nice –
Travis: It’s important to note, you should still rinse your hair out. You should get in the shower and rinse your hair ‘cause if not, that’s gross.
Justin: See –
Travis: Just don’t shampoo.
Griffin: But, okay, there’s one – there’s one unsolved mystery here.
Justin: Okay, crack it.
Griffin: ‘Cause you guys obviously know more about this than I do. But if you don't shampoo your hair, then how are you supposed to put shampoo in your hair and let the suds run down, and then just use those suds as soap. Right?
Justin: [laughing] Oh, okay.
Travis: Listen, great question. Bypass the head all together, go straight to the chest hair.
Griffin: Are you telling – you’re telling me that I shouldn’t use soap. Is what I’m hearing, except for every Wednesday and Saturday.
Justin: I think that this grooming section has taken a weird turn where it’s, like, more about –
Travis: How gross Griffin is?
Justin: Just the terrible life of Griffin McElroy. It’s weird. It started out as about one thing, now it’s kind of depressing…
Griffin: Look, I’m as clean as a motherfucker, but I do it in suspect ways.
Justin: Yeah, yeah.
Travis: He's going for that every man, I’ve got this, why not just combine the two tasks?
Griffin: I operate outside of the accepted social norms. When it comes to showering.
Justin: I feel like this has gone from, like, a Dear Abby column to, like, a photocopied, independent comic that someone on the streets of Brooklyn would hand you, where it’s like, “My Terrible Life,” like, “What a Wreck I Am”.
Griffin: Or, perhaps an intervention.
Justin: Hey, also, apparently, Suzanne, if you wanna shave a few minutes from your day, just use your shampoo as soap, like a monster –
Travis: And then cry. Cry forever.
Justin: Just cry yourself –
Travis: How much time do you have to block out for crying?
Griffin: Before next week’s show, I’m gonna get a bar of soap, I’m gonna get a thing of shampoo, uh, and I’m going to read off the ingredients in both, and it’s gonna be the same. And you’re gonna be so embarrassed.
Justin: Wait, can I, can I, can I, Griffin can I, can I – Griffin are you conditioning?
Griffin: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Justin: Okay. Alright.
Travis: Oh, see, but you don’t want to do that everyday either.
Griffin: No, I do that every – I do that twice, I do that twice a day.
Travis: No, do not do that.
Justin: What!?
Travis: Yeah, you didn’t know that?
Griffin: I’ll carry a little bottle of conditioner around with me. I’ll do it in the shower, and then just after lunch, I’ll just drive –
Travis: No, no, no, you don’t want to condition every day. Every time I go to get my hair cut, when I get my hair cut the girl’s like, “Have you conditioned yesterday or today?” And if I say yes, she won’t do it. Like, because you lose manageability of your hair. Like, I know. But like, your hair should be somewhat coarse so it holds a natural shape. Or else, like –
Justin: Working Stiff Pro says –
Travis: Okay. We’re done. [laughing]
Justin: Yeah, this is our subtle cue. “Dear MBMBaM, I’m looking for love. Not the sicko type, but if I find that, I’m not opposed.”
Griffin: Hey, can you, um-
Justin: Nice, keep it open. Any ideas?
Griffin: I think that you’ve got a stick up your ass. [Justin and Travis laugh] I don’t think you should – I don’t think you should – if you ain’t got love, you shouldn’t be able to, you know, cast aspersions about sicko love.
Justin: Yeah, whenever you get that weird love, that love with a pillow shaped like a person love.
Griffin: [laughs] Who’s to say that’s not love though, right? Like, in that person’s mind – [crosstalk]
Travis: I actually – I just had my mind changed on Internet dating.
Justin: Yeah?
Travis: Like, I was talking to a female friend of mine and all she does is Internet dating, because in her mind, she doesn’t have time to go through all the shit of, like, going to a bar, and, like, the guy she works with, she sees every day so she doesn’t want to do that. And I was like, you know what? I have been judging that too harshly. Now that being said, ladies – and men –
Griffin: Don’t get near that Craigslist.
Travis: There are fucking freaks on the Internet. Do not trust people in anything. But I now see that as a viable, like, “Hey, good work!” Um, if you want to go through Internet dating and that’s your jam, do it, don’t be ashamed of it.
Griffin: But even when that Internet dating is, like, a Craigslist listing that’s like –
Justin: Right.
Griffin: “Hey, how’s it going? You wanna come over and hang out? We can watch movies and you can jerk off –”
Travis: No.
Griffin: “You can jerk off my dog.” No! Wait a second!
Travis: Let’s, like –
Griffin: Wait a second! That’s still love if you – for that person.
Justin: Go to a community – if you’re gonna shop online for dudes, or chicks – uh, ladies, ‘scuse me – make sure it’s a community you trust, like the MBMBaM community of fans.
Griffin: Lot’s of singles just –
Justin: Lot’s of singles just mixing it up in there.
Travis: That being said, pics only, please.
Justin: [laughing] Yeah, pics only! ASL.
Griffin: Pics only. And no... fatties.
Travis: Best way to do it? Meet new people, dude. Just meet new people.
Griffin: Yeah.
Travis: Every day, meet some new people.
Justin: Yeah, get it – and remember, here’s a good, just, tip for life: remember it’s impossible to get someone interested in you, so be interested in other people. That’s the secret to success. Nobody – everybody wants to be – feel like people are interested in them. Get interested in other people, and the love will find you.
Travis: And here’s my secret trick, dude. When you go out, and you’re looking for a girl, have girls with you. Girls will trust you so much more.
Justin: That’s good too, yeah. That’s good too.
Travis: ‘Cause that’s the thing. ‘Cause there’s always that natural, like, I feel creepy walking up to a girl at a bar and being like [imitating bar creep] “Hey, baby, can I buy you a drink?” But if you have another girl with you, that’s a litmus test for that girl, like, “Oh, this dude’s not a super creepo serial killer, I can at least chat with them for now.”
Griffin: Or –
Travis: And then don’t push it! Don’t push it. If you’re like, “Can I buy you a drink?”, you have a good ten minute conversation, be like, alright, that’s a “W”, and if we come back and talk again later, great. But don’t try to move from ten minute conversation to: “So, do you want to get married?” Just, like, enjoy that ten minutes, and then, you know, see how it goes later.
Griffin: Or, another option. Um… don’t feel like you have to be in love with somebody. You know? I’ve got a pretty good life. I’m not, you know, I’m single, no prospects. I –
Travis: [laughs] And he also shampoos every day.
Justin: Here, ladies, shampoo-as-soap Griffin McElroy is on the market!
Griffin: At 12:30, I wanted to have a hot dog and a soda, but we didn’t have buns. We had some, uh, leftover brats that my brother made last night on the grill. And I cut it up and put it –
Travis: They were already a week old, important to note.
Griffin: I put it in ramen, and I didn’t have soda, so I drank beer. And it was 12. It was 12 o’clock. [pretending to choke up] So you don’t need anyone. You don’t need – you don’t – if you have someone, they could tell you not to do that.
Justin: [laughing] You don’t – it doesn’t matter sicko, it doesn’t matter love, you just need someone to tell you –
Travis: Just so long as they have enough cognizant awareness to say, “Hey! Don’t eat brat and ramen and beer. It’s 12 o’clock. You should go outside.”
Griffin: [laughing] You need people in your life – you need – I’ve got Justin and Travis. Without them, fuck. I would be – I would be – just eat the shampoo, I would get confused.
Travis: [laughs] And then rub the ramen all over himself.
Griffin: [laughing] And then rub the ramen on –
Travis: Which I am not willing to say he has not done.
Griffin: Uh, well look, when you don’t have a loofa, sometimes you need to...
Travis: [laughing] You get the ram –
Griffin: Desperate times call for desperate loofas.
Justin: [faintly, confused] What?
Griffin: This one comes from Yahoo. Open question from Tara, the top contributor. I don’t know if that means, like, of all time or just for today, but the question is: “What is the first song that comes to mind when I say the word ‘party’?”
Justin and Travis: [laughing]
Travis: I’m pretty sure I know what Justin’s answer would be to that question.
Griffin: Do you know what? I’m gonna say the top answer on this Yahoo question is the correct one.
Travis: Is it Andrew W.K.’s –
Grifffin: “Party Hard”? No, it is on – that is on there.
Justin: What about DMX’s “Party Up In Here”?
Griffin: Uh, I don’t... actually see that on the list. If we’re assuming that the answers that have been given are the correct – are indeed the correct answers.
Travis: Well, yeah. Why – I have one more guess.
Griffin: Okay.
Travis: Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long”.
Griffin: No. Close. “Party All the Time” by Eddie Murphy is one of the top answers
Travis: Ohhh.
Griffin: It’s not the top answer. Uh, someone said “Birthday” by the Beetles? Actually no, that’s the worst song ever recorded.
Travis: It is the worst song.
Griffin: Uh… “Party in the USA”’s on here a couple times by musical ingenue, Miley Cyrus.
Travis: Well, yeah.
Justin: She – you know, she wrote the Greek theme song.
Travis and Griffin: [laughing]
Griffin: The top answer though. Do you guys really not know it?
Travis: No.
Justin: Tell me.
Griffin: I guarantee you know it, if you think.
Justin: I will probably know it once you say it. I mean, I will be familiar –
Travis: Is it “Holly –” It’s “Hollywood Nights” by P.T., right?
Griffin: [starts as a whisper, increasing in volume] Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!
Justin: No. No, is it!?
Travis: That’s the best answer ever.
Justin: I mean, that’s a very good answer. I mean, it should come to your mind when someone’s trying to get the party started. No one’s ever been having a bad time, and someone drops “Shots” and everyone’s like, “Eh, I don’t know…” No, it’s time.
Travis: There are two words in that song that always make me go, “Well, yeah” and it’s “buttery nipples!” And when they say it? Oh, that is heaven. That is heaven!
Griffin: For me it’s “shots” and “shots”. My two favorite –
Travis: And then they say... “shots”.
Griffin: The 23rd and 28th instances of the words being used.
Travis: And I think it’s the best usage of Lil’ Jon I’ve ever seen.
Griffin: Oh my God.
Travis: The best use of the force that is Lil’ Jon.
Griffin: I mean...
Justin: I think the best use of Lil’ John was that time when my car broke down, and he pulled over to help me with my tire.
Travis: That was pretty cool.
Justin: It was nice. He was –
Griffin: [yelling] Get them love nuts!
Travis: [laughs]
Justin: [laughs] I was like, “I’m right here, Jon. You don’t –”
Travis: [yelling] It’s Lil’ Jon!
Justin: And, Lil’ Jon. I know. You look about the same height as me, um, I will just pass you the lugnuts, you don’t need to yell. [Travis laughs] Unnecessary.
Travis: [sighs] Now I really wanna listen to “Shots.”
Justin: Unfortunately that –
Griffin: Yeah. Good thing its the theme song to our show.
Justin: No.
Travis: It’s the theme song to my life. That’s a sad thing to say out loud.
Justin: That’s a sad – yeah. I can’t think of a finer – finer moment to close on.
Griffin: I think it would be good for us to – when we end each show, to have one question that we announce at the end of the show, and then just, you know, ruminate on until the start of the next week’s show, once we’ve had a week to think about it. Um...
Justin: You have a question, don’t you?
Griffin: I have it, yes. It’s on Yahoo.
Justin: Okay, that’s what I thought. That’s where we’re headed.
Griffin: So you let me know when you’re ready for the end to come.
Travis: Well, Justin, if they want to contact us, what’s the best way to get a question out into the ethernet for us?
Justin: You just use the Twitter and use the hashtag MBMBaM. Or, you can use the Internet to email it to MBMBaM@gmail.com. And we will have more options for you as we progress. Other things are in the works, but for now, that’s how we roll.
Griffin: Final question of the day. From Yahoo Answers user Mally. [Theme music starts playing] “Can birds get allergies?”
Travis: [laughing]
Justin: I’m Justin McElroy.
Griffin: I’m Griffin McElroy
Travis: I’m Travis McElroy.
Justin: And this has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me.
[Theme music plays out]