Dear Liisphyra
Episode 26 (S3E5): Party Guard
Official Transcript
Written by Katie Siegel
Katie: Cold Open Katie here to say that my debut novel, Charlotte Illes is Not a Detective, comes out this month, if you’re listening during June of 2023. If you’re listening to this further in the future…so, a book is like a Google doc that some people read on…tree bark. Fun, right?
There will also be an audiobook of Charlotte Illes, which will be narrated by…[rustling pages] Katie Siegel. Well, hope she knows how to talk into a microphone!
If you’re interested in getting the book, preorders really help authors out. You can get more information on my website, katiefliesaway.com/author, which includes how you can get a signed and personalized copy if you order by June 13th. Thanks! Now onto the show.
[cheerful intro theme]
Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!
I have information. Information about a certain individual. This individual does not know I have this information. I would like to share this information, but I’m concerned this individual will try to stop me.
However, I don’t think this individual is even listening right now, because he hasn’t looked up this entire time I’ve been talking. I think as long as I don’t say his name, he won’t realize I’m talking about him.
So, the person who manages this radio station…R-U-V-Y-N, is very mysterious. Anything I learn about him is completely accidental on his part. One time I asked him what kind of tea he wanted, and he just asked, “Why?” Because I was getting tea!
When his nephew was on the show a while back, I tried to get some info on his uncle—just normal stuff, like his favorite color, how old he is, his last name—but Tugbeck talked even less than his uncle does.
[small intake of breath] Whew. I was worried saying his nephew’s name would make him start listening, but he’s really into his crossword puzzle right now. It must be a Fronsday puzzle, he gets really intense about those. Hey, that’s something else I know about Ru—R-U-V-Y-N.
Anyway, last week my best friend Raedra and I went to our friend’s warlock rock show at this club in the north forest, The Griffon Nest. It’s, like, the oldest music venue in the Towering Forest. Kellviar the Bard was discovered there!
So Raedra and I were just hanging out, waiting for the show to start, and I was looking at this wall of drawings they had of people who’ve performed at The Nest. There was one drawing that had the message, “Thank you, Forest Fighters!” written underneath it.
I was looking at these Forest Fighters and thought, “Wow, that one guy sure looks famili—OH MY NAMRYS IT’S RUVYN.”
Wow, he’s really not listening. Anyway, it was him! I asked the bartender about the Forest Fighters, and as it turns out, they’re not a band, they were an adventuring party. Ruvyn’s a hero!
[small intake of breath] Oh, hey Ruvyn. I was just talking about how you fixed that squeaky closet door. You’re a hero! [pause] Puzzle going well? I’ll let you get back to it.
[clears throat] Anyway, I’ll tell you all the rest of that squeaky door story in a bit. Let’s get into our first letter. If you need some advice, you can send your letters to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.
[rustling papers] Our first letter comes from V’lap. They write:
“Dear Liisphyra,
I really don’t like parties. They’re often too loud, too long, and full of people I don’t really like interacting with. But I really don’t like turning down an invitation or leaving early without a good excuse.
So last year I started telling people that I had a run-in with a wizard who put a curse on me. This ‘curse’ prevents me from staying at any party for very long. Sometimes the ‘curse’ takes longer to go into effect, on the rare occasion I’m actually enjoying myself.
This way, if I want to attend a party for a short while, I can just quickly leave when I want and blame the curse. And if I don’t want to go at all, I can just tell them that the curse has been feeling extra active, and I’d probably just have to leave after a few minutes, so it wouldn’t be worth even trying.
And the excuse was working so well! Everyone was very sympathetic and understanding every time I had to turn down an invitation because of the ‘curse.’ And whenever I’d make an Iwern exit and leave a party early, no one would send me a note the next day asking why I left so quickly. It was great.
But recently, one of my friends heard about this magic tree somewhere in the Peaks of Peregor. She told our other friends that if you carve a wand from the wood of the tree, it grants you the ability to break any curse. So now those sweet nincompoops are planning a quest to find the tree, carve the wand, and break my made-up curse!
I don’t want them to go through all this effort for nothing. What should I do?
Best,
V’lap”
Oo, that’s a tough one. I mean, obviously, the easiest thing to do is probably to just come clean. But I’m gonna assume you’ve already thought of that and are hoping for other ideas, so, let’s move on from that.
No matter how you handle it, I think you need to be done with this made-up curse. But how can you convince your friends that the curse has been broken…oh! I’ve got it.
Plan a going-away party for your friends. It can be small; just something that you’d genuinely, believably enjoy.
At some point, make a toast. Thank your friends for going on this quest for you. Tell them how much they mean to you.
Then tell them that although you never really liked parties to begin with, you miss not having the ability to choose whether or not to stay. Really emphasize how this is your idea of a perfect party: just a small, quiet gathering with your dearest friends.
Now here’s the kicker: stay at that party for as long as the others keep partying. Eventually, someone’s gonna notice how long you’ve been there. Then, declare that this perfect party must’ve broken the curse. Yay! They don’t have to go on the quest! Everyone celebrates!
Now the question is, how do you move on from there? Well, it won’t be easy. You’ll keep getting invited to parties you don’t want to go to. Everyone knows now that you have the choice to go or not, and if you don’t go, you have to give a good reason why not.
But the thing is, “I don’t feel like going” is a perfectly good reason not to go to a party! And I know it can be hard to tell people that, but as someone who was (pretend) cursed to not have that choice, you can tell your friends that by turning down an invitation, you’re appreciating being able to make that decision for yourself. And hopefully, they’ll learn to respect that.
Or you can tell them that the wizard who cursed you specifically said that it’s an unbreakable curse. I feel like either of those would do the trick.
Hope that helps; thanks for writing in!
Okay, Ruvyn’s deep into his puzzle again. So, the Forest Fighters was Ruvyn’s old adventuring party. The bartender told me that their portrait is on the wall because they saved The Nest from a giant enchanted tree that almost crushed it. They managed to wrangle the tree and disenchant it without anyone getting hurt.
But this was the wildest part—apparently, Ruvyn was the leader of the group. I know! I can’t even imagine…well, I can, but I have a very active and vivid imagination. But it’s still a surprise. Unless Ruvyn was the kind of leader who dictated from his chair while doing a crossword puzzle. Now that I can easily picture, even without my extraordinary imagination.
Hm, what’s up, Ruvyn? No, I wasn’t talking about anything. Well, I mean, obviously I was talking about something; this is a radio show. I was just answering this person’s question about…[rustling paper] not wanting to go to parties! Right. Just giving advice, doing what I do.
[clears throat] Let’s read another letter. [rustling papers] This one’s from Mofindla. They write:
“Dear Liisphyra,
My name is Mofindla. My mother is a wood elf and my other parent is a dryad. Next week is Leafvren, which is a week-long dryad holiday. We have festivals and parties and dance and eat, and generally just celebrate being dryads.
The other day my friends were joking about how since I’m half dryad, I have to choose what half of the week to celebrate. I know they were only kidding, and I laughed along with them at first, but now it’s gotten me thinking.
Should I only celebrate half of Leafvren? And if so, which half? The first half of the week has the Berry Bash, but I’m performing in a moonlit dance recital during the second half. Do I split it three and four, or do I split it down the middle on the fourth day? Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks!
Mofindla”
Okay first, I am so excited for Leafvren. We have a huge dryad community in the Towering Forest, so the holiday is a forest-wide event. I’ve signed up to help with a tree-planting ceremony, and I’ve been practicing my shoveling in preparation.
Anyway, Mofindla, you absolutely do not need to only celebrate half of the holiday just because only one of your parents is a dryad! I’m glad you could laugh about the joke, but you shouldn’t take it seriously. If your parent’s a dryad, you’re a dryad, and you have every right to celebrate the full holiday as the dryad you are.
Besides, you can’t miss the Berry Bash! I’m sure you’ve been preserving berries all year in preparation. Can’t let those go to waste.
Hope that helps; thanks for writing in. And have a refreshing Leafvren!
Okay so I asked the bartender if they knew what happened to Ruvyn and the rest of the Forest Fighters. And the bartender said they heard that the group disbanded because some of them wanted to change their name. Apparently, they thought “Forest Fighters” made it sound like they were fighting forests.
They wanted to change the name to…oh, I forget, but it had something to do with most of them being blond. Ruvyn’s kind of got dark blond/light brown hair, so I’m not sure what side he was on.
Oh! The Blonde Sirs! That’s what the other name—
Whoa, Ruvyn, what? I just said…uh…sponsor! We’re gonna take a quick break to hear from a sponsor, then we’ll be back to take a call. If you need some advice, tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.
Whew. That was lucky.
Sponsor:
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Then we’ve got the Monday Night Frights Finals! Contestants will compete to see who’s the scariest of them all. Who will emerge victorious, Exgavgriella Horrabren or Darm Rolf?
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Tell your speaking plant to call the Sundar Coliseum for tickets, and join us for a week full of fights, frights, and sprites. See you in the ‘seum!
Liisphyra: Aaaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. And we have a caller on the vine! Hello caller, you’re on the air!
Frahmé: Hey, Liisphyra. First time listener, long time caller. Wait, no, that’s not right…
Liisphyra: I get where you were going with that. What's your name?
Frahmé: The name’s Frahmé Spindle: Guard Extraordinaire! That’s my name and my title. To clarify, the name is Frahmé Spindle. The title is Guard Extraordinaire. But you can just call me Frahmé. Or Frabear. No. I don’t know why I said that. Don’t call me Frabear, only my mom calls me that. Frahmé is fine.
Liisphyra: Well, nice to meet you, Frahmé. What can I help you with?
Frahmé: I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a situation. I’ve worked as a guard for a lot of different clients. My current gig is guarding this horde of treasure and riches for a dragon. I can’t say their name; client confidentiality, you know.
Liisphyra: Of course.
Frahmé: I started the job a couple weeks ago, and it was going well. Until a few days ago, when I was in a different cavern, some bandits snuck in and stole a valuable crystal figurine.
Liisphyra: Oh, dear!
Frahmé: Yeah. My client was surprisingly nice about it—apparently the figurine was extremely cursed, so they were happy to have it taken off their claws.
Liisphyra: Well that’s good.
Frahmé: I still felt bad that they were able to steal something while I was on the clock. But this dragon’s caverns are ENORMOUS. The smallest one is, like, two vineball fields long.
Liisphyra: Sounds like a lot for just one person to guard.
Frahmé: Yeah, and my client knows that. But they said one guard is fine, and if they get a few items stolen, they can live with that.
Liisphyra: Especially if the items are cursed.
Frahmé: Right. Hey, tip for you listeners at home: if you have a lot of stuff and think some of it might get stolen, keep your cursed stuff closest to the entrance so folks will take that first.
Liisphyra: I’ll definitely keep that in mind next time I’m organizing my…cursed stuff.
Frahmé: Anyway, I still felt bad about the thingy getting stolen. So, earlier today, I started setting up a bunch of traps around the caverns. Nothing deadly; just some nets and pits and snares to catch anyone who might be sneaking in without my knowledge.
Liisphyra: Sounds like a good idea.
Frahmé: It was, in theory. But, uh…
Liisphyra: What is it? Did you catch someone?
Frahmé: Sort of…
Liisphyra: What did you catch?
Frahmé: ...me.
Liisphyra: You caught…you?
Frahmé: Well, I haven’t been caught yet. I just sort of…trapped myself into a corner.
Liisphyra: Okay, what exactly is the situation?
Frahmé: When I was setting up all these traps, I started from the outside and worked my way in. What I didn’t consider was once I finished setting up the traps, I’d have no way of getting out.
Liisphyra: You didn’t come up with a way to safely disarm the traps?
Frahmé: Ohhh…
Liisphyra: I’ll take that as a no.
Frahmé: I got a lot of my trap ideas from this magazine, Impertainment Weekly.
Liisphyra: Heard of it.
Frahmé: There’s a copy of it in my dentist’s office. But I got called in for my cleaning before I finished the article. So maybe I missed the section about disarming the traps.
Liisphyra: Well, too late for that now. Why don’t you describe your surroundings for me so I can get a better idea of your predicament.
Frahmé: I’m currently standing on top of an upside-down, silver urn. Balancing on one foot, if we’re getting technical.
Liisphyra: Oh, no!
Frahmé: It’s okay, I have incredible balance. My mom says I was probably a flameingo in a previous life. Which would make sense, because I also sometimes sneeze fire.
Liisphyra: So you’re standing on an urn. What’s keeping you from stepping off?
Frahmé: On my right is a big pile of gold coins that I poured onto a pressure plate. If the plate gets any lighter or heavier, a bunch of arrows will shoot at me.
Liisphyra: Okay. What’s to your left?
Frahmé: My left is blocked by a stack of dragon-sized dinner plates encrusted with gemstones. Behind me is a solid wall, and there are a bunch of spikes on the ground in front of me.
Liisphyra: Namrys alive, you did a thorough job.
Frahmé: Oh, the spikes are made of diamonds. I didn’t put those there; they came with the horde. It’s unfortunate, because right past the spikes is a huge pile of feather pillows. But they’re too far away to jump to.
Liisphyra: Gotcha.
Frahmé: Uh oh. I need to sneeze.
Liisphyra: Try to hold it in! Think of non-sneezy thoughts! Dust-free surfaces! New books! Hairless cats!
Frahmé: AaahhhhCHOO!
[brief sound of fire roaring]
Liisphyra: What happened? Did you fall? Frahmé?
Frahmé: [sniffles] I’m good. I kept my balance. Still stuck on top of this urn.
Liisphyra: Well, hope you’re urn-ing enough to make this job worth it!
[pause]
Sorry.
Frahmé: Did you say something? Whenever I sneeze fire it’s hard for me to hear for a few seconds afterwards.
Liisphyra: Doesn’t matter. Hey, are you able to lift one of those dragon-sized plates?
Frahmé: Yeah, I-I should be able to. They’re big, but they’re light.
Liisphyra: What if you used one of the plates as a shield? That way, you can jump down onto the pile of coins without getting skewered by arrows.
Frahmé: Hey…that might work. Okay, picking up a plate…
[plates clatter]
Liisphyra: You know which way the arrows are coming from, right? To angle the plate that way?
Frahmé: Yeah, they’re coming from…
Liisphyra: Maybe we should come up with a different plan.
Frahmé: No, no, this is good! They’re coming from that way, I’m positive.
Liisphyra: Okay. If you’re sure—
Frahmé: [grunt of effort]
[thump] [coins clattering] [clanging]
Liisphyra: Did it work? It sounded like it worked!
Frahmé: It worked! One grazed me a bit…guess I rigged the arrows a little more to the left than I thought. But overall, I’m unharmed!
Liisphyra: Great! Now you can get out!
Frahmé: Oh, there are still a bunch of traps between me and the exit.
Liisphyra: Oh nooooo.
Frahmé: I think the fastest route would be through the garden of snares. That’s just a bunch of snares I set up in one big group. It seemed unlikely that an intruder would just happen to step in one snare I left out, so I figured putting a bunch together would increase my chances of catching someone.
Liisphyra: Sure. I guess I can understand that line of thinking.
Frahmé: I can try to tiptoe through. But one wrong step and I’m dangling from the ceiling.
Liisphyra: The snares are just a bunch of ropes, right?
Frahmé: That’s right.
Liisphyra: What would happen if they caught on fire?
Frahmé: Well, they wouldn’t be very effective snares anymore. They’d burn right up.
Liisphyra: So…
Frahmé: Oh! I see what you’re saying. But how can I set them on fire?
Liisphyra: You—
Frahmé: OH. Now I really see what you’re saying. I only had about 50% percent before. Now I’m with you. Unless there’s more. Is there more?
Liisphyra: More than you getting some feathers from that pile of feather pillows to make yourself sneeze fire on the snares to burn them up?
[pause]
Frahmé: Now I’m with you.
Liisphyra: Better late than never.
[ripping fabric]
Frahmé: Whoa, feathers everywhere. Oh, I can feel a sneeze coming on.
Liisphyra: Aim at the ropes!
Frahmé: Ahhh, ahhhhCHOO!
[brief sound of fire roaring]
Frahmé: Alright! The ropes are burned and out of the way. Also singed the pillows a bit, but they’re fine.
Liisphyra: Alright!
Frahmé: There’s just one more trap between me and the entrance.
Liisphyra: What is it?
Frahmé: Well, I thought some thieves might be deterred if they saw a sign that said “Beware of Dog” inside the entrance to the caverns.
Liisphyra: Okay…
Frahmé: Obviously, there’s no dog. But if they see the sign, they might be afraid of the dog and just leave.
Liisphyra: Yeah, I get it. That’s not really a trap, though.
Frahmé: Then, if they ignore the sign and keep walking, they might fall into this giant pit I dug.
Liisphyra: Ohhh. Now that’s a trap.
Frahmé: Yeah. I made it just a little wider than I’m able to jump across. Which I’m realizing now is only an issue for me, because my long jump is pretty abysmal. Most folks could probably jump this.
Liisphyra: Is there anything around you that you can use to crawl over the pit? A plank of wood, maybe.
Frahmé: Ugh, no, there aren’t any planks of wood. Just this dumb golden ladder.
Liisphyra: There’s a ladder?
Frahmé: Yeah, just a ladder. Hang on, I’m still looking for a plank of wood.
Liisphyra: Frahmé.
Frahmé: Yes?
Liisphyra: Use the ladder to climb across the pit.
Frahmé: OHHHH. Yeah, yeah, that could work.
Liisphyra: Yeah.
Frahmé: [grunts with effort]
[thump]
Frahmé: Alright, going across now.
Liisphyra: Be careful.
Frahmé: Wow, this pit is deep. Wish I knew that ladder was there when I was digging this earlier.
Liisphyra: How did you get out of the pit when you were digging it earlier?
Frahmé: Oh, I just flew out. I’m part-phoenix, so I have wings. Forget they’re there half the time, though.
Liisphyra: You…can fly?
Frahmé: Yeah! …oh. I did it again, didn’t I? I could’ve just flown out this whole time.
Liisphyra: [sighing] Well, what’s important is that you got out, one way or the other.
Frahmé: I made it to the entrance! Thanks for your help, Liisphyra. Sorry about forgetting I have wings.
Liisphyra: Happy to help. Maybe…write a note to yourself as a reminder that you can fly.
Frahmé: That’s good advice! Oo, maybe I can make a bracelet that says…[reading] “Don’t forget you have wings”?
Liisphyra: That’s a good idea, make that!
Frahmé: Oh, no, I was reading this bracelet on my wrist that says, “Don’t forget you have wings.”
Liisphyra: Oh boy.
Frahmé: Eh, it’ll stick one day. Thanks again, Liisphyra.
Liisphyra: Any time. Thanks for calling!
Frahmé: Good—ah…ah…aaahhCHOOO!
[brief sound of fire roaring]
Liisphyra: Achoo to you as well.
Well, I think that’s it for today’s show. [sighs] Okay, I’ll bite: Ruvyn, were you Team Forest Fighters or Team Blond Sirs?
[creak] [loud thump]
Liisphrya: [gasp]
Update: Ruvyn just fell out of his chair in shock. Oh, hey, in this light, your hair is definitely brown. You know, Ruvyn, I’m with you; I don’t think anyone would assume that the Forest Fighters are fighting a forest. You were fighting for the forest. And thank you for doing that.
Ruvyn’s still on the floor. [fading voice] You okay? Ruvyn? Oh, you’re fine. [voice growing louder again] Ruvyn, I have a million questions for you once I wrap up the show, so get ready.
Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra! Next up we have…[rustling papers] “Genelieve J’j’jeh and her five hundred and ninety-seven birds.” Couldn’t find three more birds to make it an even six hundred, Genelieve? Eh, you do you.
I’ll talk to you all again real soon. In the meantime, keep your chin up, and…party hard! Well, party as much as you want to. Bye!
[chill guitar outro theme]
Nicole:
Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra and the sponsor were voiced by Katie Siegel. Frahmé was voiced by Samkit Siyal. And I’m Nicole. Hi!
If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will guard your treasure for you.
For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also join The Chattering Grove discord. The link to that is in the description. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!