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Putting the ”N” in news

  December, 2017

The Baptise Butchery Presents: Yuletide Tips  

By Jean Babtise -Chief Field Reporter


Hello all you fellow Yuletide fans and family. As we all know today is the season of giving and caring so make sure you reach out and hug your dearest friend.

    But hold on, you say, last time I tried to hug Sir Trent I ended up in a bucket. Well that is very true, you see sometimes it's possible to CARE TOO MUCH. So I have given you a handy clickbait list of the five ways you can care TOO much at yuletide. Hopefully this list will get you out of a jam and keep your inner organs from being turned into jam.

5. Giving away mistletoe in a cecil swap: Believe it or not everyone's after the old razzle dazzle and while I’m sure the gift of Baptise or Insert-name-here is a great present, ya know what's also a great present? Money. Magic items. Anything besides awkward attempts at flirting.

4. Making bold statements: The important thing to remember is while it is the season it is also the winter season, and given nothing happens the only thing left to do is stew over rule changes and old grudges that you can't work out in person because you aren't going to see anyone till Mr Hat’s Wacky Winter War Starter, or Feast Of Leviathan as it is currently called (Sign my petition). Now while I’m sure 3 point armor is a lovely idea, especially when combined with a two handed pike lenght weapon but… no, maybe wait for those ideas until winter’s over and people have more things to do then get mad at ideas they don't support.

3. Attacking Father Yule: Let us be real, when the big man walks into cecil's with a large sack of presents that are not on the non-stealable table and no weapon in hand, you may think: “I can take em”. But don’t try that, he’s actually a Titan, which doesn’t mean anything to me because I didn’t see any of the Bedlam wars but that sounds scary. Speaking of bedlam wars that leads me to my next warning:

2. Serving Baby: Now serving poached human children is a honored tradition in Chimeron, much like everything else Chimeron does. But hold on, while it is a vaunted tradition so is pretending they aren't the kind of people who serve children to their fae quote unquote friends. And boy did I learn that the hard way when… actually huh I’ve never served children. Put that on the scoreboard.

JB : 1, Chimeron: 0

That’s accurate...that uses real math.

1. Poisons: Now for many people a fun little dabbing of poison makes everything exciting but let me tell you a tale about a man named Soft. Soft liked poisons and he had his fun at Cecil's, but you know who doesn't like poison? Z. And so Z did something about it after Soft almost poisoned Grebinar. And now… no one has seen soft again. Spooky right?

 

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From The Editor in Chief:

Dresden O’Leary - Secretary of press


Happy holidays to Yule all! I wanted to take the time to thank everyone for all the work every one of you put into making it another great Realms Adventuring season. Here at the Kazoo, sitting behind my fantastic desk I sometimes forget to get out there and be amongst the people - really get my nose in the news - that said you will most likely be seeing me at events getting quotes for upcoming issues, as we will be keeping a monthly edition format - this is all thanks to my wonderful News Teams’ dedication, and readers like you.

See you at Cecils!

-Dresden

Outside, Looking ‘N’

    By Mouse McGee


Hello again, reader! It’s your friendly neighborhood Mouse here, and I’ve teamed up with Neden once again to talk to you about the cultural nuances of gift giving. It’s definitely not an easy art to master, but with some tips and helpful advice you should be able to improve your own skills and make all your friends happy with Yule and Uncle Cecil’s Crazy Tavern just around the corner.

Let’s start with the basics. If you’re going to give a gift, you should probably have at least a basic idea of what someone is into. Hygar sometimes brings me dead birds and drops them at my feet, but I guess he doesn’t realize that I just want to bring them back to life. Is your friend a big, tough warrior? They probably won’t care for something so fancy and ostentatious that they can’t use it on the battlefield. Take their interests, hobbies, and habits into account and you’ll be bound to please.

The second thing I realized about giving gifts is that people can get really uncomfortable about budget. If you purchase a small galleon ship weighing in at approximately 1,500 tons, sporting a minimum of fifty demi-culverins, but your friend only has five gold, you’re probably going to make them feel bad. If you’re unsure about where someone stands, just ask them. It is better to know for certain now rather than create an awkward situation later.

Speaking of awkward, sometimes people are unsure of whether or not they have to include a card with their gifts. I say, why waste the trees that you’re probably going to cut down when you need to make parchment? Unless you have an important message you need to get off your chest, just stick with a nice ribbon or bow. It instantly makes your present look a bit more fabulous, and the extra effort towards presentation will only add to the thoughtfulness of your efforts.

Sometimes no matter what you do, you can end up with someone who is displeased.

. It’s a shame, really, but you have a few options on how to deal with it. Option number one? Smite them. Good deeds shouldn’t be met with such petty grumbling. If you have a problem with violence near the holidays, then you could instead try a more pragmatic approach like allowing the gift receiver to make an exchange of some kind. Secretary of the Press Dresden O’Leary described to me the Neden concept of “gift receipts,” but somehow everything seems to turn into alcohol through that process. Oh well, at least the Boys are happy.

The last thing I’ve learned through my time in the Realms is that you don’t always have to have ample coin in your pockets to give a good gift. (Continued below)

(Continued from above)

Everyone likes food since we need it to live, and some of us enjoy seeing the forces of evil being struck down with a healthy dose of vengeance. These gifts just take effort, not gold; so you just lost another excuse when it comes to not getting involved in this most fun holiday tradition.

Hopefully you’ve found this information helpful. I know I sure as heck would have appreciated knowing that holding a sword out point first towards a pacifist during Yule wasn’t the classiest move I could have made…even if it was a really nice blade.

Please remember that I’m not to be held accountable for any reckless holiday purchases and/or mixed reactions to said purchases. Shop responsibly.

Happy travels!


How Some Grouch Goblin thing tried to ruin Yule for the Neden Boys

By Dr. Syruss ( Rated R for adult language and situations)

Everyone who lives up in Neden Liked Yule a lot...

But there's this guy the called the Grouch, Who simply Did NOT!

The Grouch hated Yule! The whole Yule season!

Now, you can ask yourself why. But there is no one reason.

We think he is A JB experiment with his head not screwed on right.

Or, perhaps, he was gifted Siff socks that were simply too tight.

But I think thing that made him feel most empty,

He never had cider while the O'Learys had plenty

He stood there on Yule Eve, hating the Neden Boys,

Who would wake from a stupor and open all their new toys

He looked out his windows below at their town.

For he knew every Neden Boy in the city and how they got down,

He knew Sarix was at the bar looking for some nookie

And Priest Z and Jean Baptiste were collaborating on a Meat Cookie

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a Grimace,

"They will be filled with Such Booze and treats from the no Good Lord Nymbous!"

Then he growled and he laughed and started maniacally humming,

"I KNOW A WAY to stop Yule from coming!"

For Tomorrow, he knew, that the whole Neden Crew,

Would wake bright and early for they had partying to do!

He dreaded to himself about the party, each Neden boy would be drunk and rowdy

Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!

Noise! Noise! Noise!

That's one thing he hated! The NOISE FROM THE BOYS

Then the Neden would stumble to their hall for a feast.

And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!

FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on Neden-pudding, and rare wild roast beast.

Which was something the Grouch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN They'd do something he did not find okie dokie

Every Neden Boy in the Castle would SING KARAOKE,

They'd stand Cider-in-hand. And the Neden Boys would start singing!

They'd sing! and they'd sing for it was joy they were bringing.

And the more the Grouch thought of this Neden YuleSing,

The more the Grouch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for thirty-three years I've put up with it now!"

"I MUST stop this Yule from coming! AND I THINK I KNOW HOW!"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE GROUCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grouch laughed in his throat.

And he made a quick Father Yule hat and a coat.

and he laughed and he laughed till he started to crazily drool

"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Father Yule!"

"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grouch looked around.

But, since JB make reindeer jerky there was none to be found.

Did that stop the old Grouch? No! The Grouch simply said,

"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll use the undead!"

So he gathered some ghouls who were wondering late, he wanted 12 but he settled for 8.

And he tied a few big horns on the top of their heads.

If you want something done you should use the undead.

Then the Grouch said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,

Toward the Castle, the boys and their quiet small town.

All their windows were dark and filled with the howling of cold mountain air.

All the Neden Boy’s were all dreaming X rated dreams without care.

"This is our only stop," the old Grouchy Claus hissed,

too bad it is ten stories tall, he said shaking fist.

He went through a window and avoided the chimney

He knew he get stuck because he was far from Skinny.

"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

He laugh at Gumbo’s sock with a hole in the toe.

Single Shorts! And bicycles! Roller skates! Booze!

Checkerboards! Shields! Popcorn! And nice shoes!

And he stuffed them in bags. He was proud of himself for he just noticed the prize LTD there on the top shelf!

There was so much booze there he could not understand

tWere they just crazy drunks or preparing for a drought through the land.

And the Grouch grabbed all the bottles, took the vodka, tequila, and rum most deplorable

That’s when he heard a small yawn that was just so adorable.

He turned around fast, and he saw a half-naked" Neden Boy!

Dith Gemstar the Jacked was standing there looking annoyed.

.

The Grouch had been caught by this tough Neden brother,

Who finished his nightcap and got up for another.

He stared at the Grouch and said, "Father Yule, why,”

"Why are you taking our LTD? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grouch was so smart and he told lies really well,

"Why, my sweet little tot," He said,

"Duke Syruss said once more into the fell"

Dith looked annoyed and not Nearly convinced

As he tightened his fist the Grouch started to wince.

Now now tis the holiday season he said to the young master

Looking for an exit to avoid certain disaster.

“Let not do anything to hasty” He Pleaded with the fighter

"How about some LTD I hear it's quite tasty"

Well the next 15 minutes is too gruesome for young girls and boys

Dith decided to punish the Grouch with Z’s new sex toys

The beating went long and hard through the night

When Dith was done he had a new green fur coat that didn’t seem to fit quite right

As the boys poured into the bloody Neden Hall

DIth stand there bloody screaming

”Merry Christmas fucker, to one to all”

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Across

2. Don't drink until this is given

4. Punched out the Grouch

6. Not a fan of cranberry sauce unless its plated just right

8. Jolly, gives out gifts. You write him letter

10. Owns some sort of Crazy Tavern

Down

1. Newest Member of Neden

3. The color of our newest members N

5. Tried to ruin Yule in Neden

7. Don't cook these for Fae (looking at you Chimeron)

9. Toast is at this time