This transmission was not brought to you by Crouching Tiger Hidden Valley Ranch.

Feed your mom Gluten-free Scooby Snacks

Johnny Depp sucks at acting like he can play guitar.

Don't wink your butt hole at strangers.

Online bullying people with morse code is a sin.

Tattoo idea: a silhouette of Michael Jordan passing the ball to somebody else.

Bob Barker is now in hell repeatedly experiencing being spayed and neutered.

Have you supported a friend's band that didn't go anywhere? You may be entitled to a cash refund settlement. Call Osborn and Goldberg now.

When aliens finally find Earth they'll most likely want to talk to the dolphins, not humans.

Enough about cancel culture, i wanna hear more about do something charitable but film yourself doing it culture.

Ever notice Sub-zero and Scorpion never caught the corona virus?

Airplane food, am I right? Like, why can't there just be a restaurant that serves it?

Yo mama so ugly I went to a halloween costume contest as her and got disqualified for cheating.

My fashion model runway signature move is checking the mail at the end.

There should be a Ouiji computer game where several people put their hands on a computer mouse and push it back and forth.

The first person ever to hurt themselves by running with scissors is getting a Tosh.0 web redemption.

Meta-ironic: It's like Alanis Morissette cutting the cheese after she just cut you in line.

I hope they never name a tree or body of water after Justin Timberlake.

Death by unquenchable maple syrup craving is the way to go.

If I had a million dollars I would have a custom bowling ball made like a magic 8 ball, but without the flat part.

Weather Report: Looks like we're in for some nasty leather.

Technically there won't be a World War 3 because there won't be anyone left alive to write about it.

If I had a low rider I would just hop over any wrong way spikes.

When it comes to take it or leave it I always leave it.

Somewhere out there, Ozzy Osbourne still thinks he's in a reality show.

Justin Bieber should star in a bio film about Vanilla Ice, then I would have two reasons not to watch it.

I can hear myself blink and it's driving me crazy.

The Southern National Institute For Farts, otherwise known as SNIFF.

Yo mama so nasty she needs Left Guard deodorant too.

Wu-tang is the new walmart Nirvana tshirt.

Introducing the new Spice Girl... Karen Spice.

Vin Diesel's favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden.

Do squirls and rabbits hangout or are they like fuck you bitch?

Gonna start my own Twitter clone app called Stutter.

My raver name is New Years Steve.

I just realized my used couch that I bought on craigslist was in a porno, hashtag scrub life.

Foreskin Mask - Rated R.

Michael Jackson's final form is turquoise.

So does Butthead have gingivitis or what's going on with that?

I just realized I've never been invited to an intervention which makes me think I might be part of the problem.

I just checked my bank account and it turns out I have a lot of street cred.

Alexa, what is the past tense form of Gettin Jiggy Wit It?

Hi I'm Robert from Metallica, the least important and most replaceable member of the band, and you're listening to Pandora.