[Intro music plays]
Hello and welcome back to Ophiuchus Radio, the advice show you didn't know you needed! My name's Bluejay Midnight, this is Coconut Silver. Say hello Coco.
Hi.
Our job is to answer the questions you're too afraid to ask, and we will get to that, but first, let's have a look at the news.
[Short news theme plays]
It looks like the golf courses on the vacation planet Sohna are being fumigated this week. Authorities are blaming it on interdimensional alligators again, but we have reason to believe otherwise. A little birdie told me they saw someone planting explosives in the hover cars.
Huh, sounds like they’ll probably need to shut down for construction again pretty soon. Tsk, and just a week after the grand re-opening, which had already been delayed a few months because of um… lemme check my notes…something called a “turbo gopher infestation”.
[Sarcastic] Oh no, that would just be the worst. Isn’t this the second “turbo gopher” related shut down they’ve had this year? Sure would be a shame if they had to keep shutting down. Good credit score, they’ve probably sunk so many creds into this already.
[Also sarcastic] Can you imagine if they had to pull out? Maybe take those hover carts and go gentrify someone else’s planet? The millions they’d lose. Wow. Such a shame.
[Normal voice] Alright, let's get to the advice. Today’s question comes from a janitor, we’ll call her Rosie.
Is that even the right title? I thought it was um, something like director something now?
Asset Preservation Coordinator, yeah. But we all know that’s just a flowery title, like Director of First Impressions, you remember? For our receptionist friend Debra? You know how they like to try and put a nice little sparkle on everything instead of actually making things better for their workers.
Ugh, yeah. Tell me about Rosie.
Right. So Rosie’s in a little bit of a rut. Every day is pretty much the same for her. She gets out of bed in her on-site apartment and starts a pot of coffee.
[Sounds of a yawn, followed by the pouring of liquid]
It’s not even good coffee, it’s just, like, the provided stuff. You know, the one that kind of tastes like dirt?
I’m familiar.
Yeah. So, she has her coffee, then puts her uniform on and goes upstairs to start work for the day.
[A thud sounds as a mug or pot is placed on a bench. Sounds of getting dressed, material rustling, a zipper closing is followed by the opening and closing of a door]
And I want to talk about her uniform for a second Coco? This jumpsuit she has to wear is the same dusty light grey as the walls and I hate it.
Right, so these companies can give their maintenance staff a fancy title but still dresses them with the intent to blend them into the walls. Another reason I hate uniforms.
Exactly. Now, when Rosie gets to work, the first thing she does is get an absolutely beautiful shine going on those lobby floors.
[The whirring sound of a motor fades in and out. Beeping and footsteps of the office workers. General chatter and sounds of an office muffled in the background start and continue]
But then the remote workstation workers come in, leaving their gross, dirty footprints all over the floor and wearing their normal clothes -- well, not like, normal, a lot of them are in, um...what is this, business casual? Coco, what’s business casual again?
Floppy hats and plate mail.
Why are you wearing business casual? We’re at home.
This is our job, isn’t it?
Yeah, alright. Anyway, uh, these folks are wearing normal work clothes, but they’re their clothes, is the thing. And Rosie’s got this look in her eye, like she wishes she could be one of them.
[Sounds of an elevator ding]
They all shuffle into the elevators and then into their remote workstations, and once they settle into their work, Rosie makes her way up the other floors.
[Office sounds stop and are replaced by background sounds of typing]
She does her usual duties, emptying trash cans and wiping down desks and stuff, and on the way she stops and chats with some of the workers.
Alvis on the customer service floor tells Rosie about how his cats are doing, and Janet in IT gives her a new recipe for lemon squares. Lake in finance has been stressed lately, and when Rosie finishes her work on that floor, she sends one of the refreshment clerks over to Lake with some tea and a snack.
[Faint slurping over the top of ongoing typing before all background noise stops]
She finishes her day just after everyone else, and with the building empty of remote workstation workers, she heads back down to her apartment.
[Heavy sounding footsteps, jingle of keys. A door clicks shut]
It’s a small unit. Just a bedroom, a bathroom, and a living room-slash-kitchen combo. The walls are bare, cracked concrete, no windows or anything. She does have a poster of renowned Martian crooner Exilon Jones on the back of the door, though, so there’s that. At least that! Just, some personality in there, y'know? Anyway, she checks her pay for the day, to make sure it’s all there. You have to sometimes. These companies are sneaky.
Then, like every night, she grumbles about the amount that’s being docked off her pay for the rental of her room.
[The sound of a single microwave beep]
They upped the cost a couple of weeks back, not enough to force her out, but enough to make a point.
[A longer microwave beep]
She microwaves her dinner, then settles in on her tattered old couch to call her son. He’s living on Delta 18 now, so she doesn’t get to see him very much anymore. He catches her up on how his wife and kids have been doing since they called last week, and this time he says he’ll come visit her soon. Rosie says she’d like that. Then, when the call is done, she streams the latest episode of Survivor, and gets ready for bed.
That show really took off after The Interplanetary Revolution, huh?
“Took off”? That’s the phrase you’re going to go with here?
Shut up, did you see the Old Earth episodes? They didn’t even have crabstorms or lava rain. Ugh, so boring.
[Audible exhale] I know! And they did what like, 150 seasons like that?
Sounds about right. Anyways, what’s Rosie’s question?
The question is “how does Rosie get out of this rut” and the answer is “maybe try a new line of work question mark?”
You’re not even gonna ask me for my opinion? It’s just a Bluejay Special over here?
What, you think she shouldn’t?
Listen, everybody should, Blue. But she’s an on-site. She’s kind of stuck there.
[Audible exhale] Look, Coco listen I’ve got a plan, alright?
Fine, fine. What’s your plan?
So she goes to stay with her son, and-
How’s she supposed to get there? Delta 18? From Clandor 7? That’s so far, Blue. You can’t just take the bus to Delta 18.
Her son is coming to visit! She can hitch a ride with him.
But -- okay, what does her son do?
Uhhhhhhhh.
[Keyboard typing. A mouse click]
Says here he writes instruction manuals?
Blue, that’s lower-mid-tier housing at best! And you said he has a family, wife, kids? They’re going to have a bad time trying to fit another adult in there with the whole family.
Alright, alright, what’s your big idea then?
I don’t know, give me a minute. Play the horoscopes.
You got it.
[Calming, celestial music starts]
[Big inhale. Coco speaks with an overly dramatic “Ethereal Voice”] Deep breath in.
[Big exhale]
Deep breath out. Welcome to the Zodiac Corner. We have consulted with the Stars above, and we have brought back their wisdom for you.
[Celestial music cuts]
Don’t do that.
[Normal voice] Why not?
Are we doing yoga now? Read the horoscopes.
Blue, you’re not getting in the spirit.
[Exasperated sigh. Muttered under breath] By Daintree...
You wanted me to do the thing! Let me do the thing!
Alright alright, do the thing.
Thank you.
[Celestial music starts again. Coco Takes a deep breath, exhales and continues in the Ethereal™ voice]
We have consulted with the Stars and have brought their wisdom down to you.
Aries - The stars are in position for you to have a productive week. Keep doing what you're doing.
Taurus - You've been working hard this week. Why not treat yourself with a new ship? You deserve it.
Gemini - Gemini Gerry, stop stealing office supplies for personal use.
Cancer - Take this time to practice a skill.
Leo - A friend may ask you for a favour soon. Take your time, and fulfill it only when you're ready.
Virgo - Watch out for friendly revenge and practical jokes.
Libra - The local store you love is having a sale!! Treat yourself.
Scorpio - That weird piece of paper you found? Treasure map.
Sagittarius - Business as usual this week. Don't overextend yourself. Take some time to recharge.
Capricorn - The stars appreciate you. Keep up the good work.
Aquarius - You have always been a person..... I think.
Pisces - Hey remember that time when a friend said they didn't steal your sandwich but you totally know they did and you held a grudge against them for like a month? Well the stars hear that friend's got a pretty tasty sandwich in the fridge today.
[Celestial music fades out]
Okay I've got it.
Okay! Alright! Get me with your genius, Coco.
Rosie should get new shoes.
[Pause]
Coco, bud, that’s not...really- instead of getting a new job?
Yeah, yeah. Hear me out-
I'm hearing, I'm listening.
You get nice new shoes, they have to be white because of the uniform but it doesn’t say anything about the laces - I looked up the uniform requirements for this place. So, you get 'em with neon orange laces.
[Pause]
Like bright, bright orange.
Coco my bud I want to be with you on this? I love me a pair of just- [chef’s kiss] just really lighthouse-level bright new laces, but how does that fix the problem of Rosie needing a new job?
Well, no, okay, the question wasn’t “how does Rosie get another job?”, it was "how does Rosie get out of her rut?”.
To which I say she should get a better job!
Sure at some point but...maybe not right now.
Why not?
Look, the job market is garbage, right?
It is?
We’ve both been steadily employed for a while, fam. You’re getting complacent. You aren’t paying attention to the job boards, Blue.
And you are?
I like to know what my options are. It’s important to always have an escape route planned. You should know that.
Sure, sure.
Right. Back to Rosie. Getting a new job is a non-starter right now, especially with her experience. So maybe the answer isn't getting a new job, just a new perspective!
Spice things up a little! Get a fresh pair of kicks, really the only thing you can change about your work outfit, right? And get those bright orange laces just to kinda remind yourself that [short dramatic pause, before continuing sounding happy and smug] things can get brighter.
...Did you come up with this whole plan just to make a pun?
How dare.
Coco, legally you have to tell me.
But I'm right!
Just tell her to put up an armadillocat poster while she’s at it! "Hang in there!"
Listen, Rosie, I promise if you do this one thing, you'll be surprised at how much your life changes.
You sound so corporate right now. Like a- like a corporate fortune cookie.
Sometimes fortune cookies know what's up!
[Sigh] Okay, okay. Can we change them to like, neon lime green laces? I'll be on board with them if they're green.
You don't like the orange?
I don't like the orange. Fashionably, I don't like the orange.
Alright, green then.
Thank you.
Rosie, get yourself some neon green shoelaces and everything will turn out fine. I promise.
Trust us Rosie, we're professionals.
[Outro theme plays]
Thank you for listening to Ophiuchus Radio.
This show is created by Gwen Jeronimo, Aspen Steeves, and Lisel Christiansen.
Today’s episode, Spotless, was written by Gwen Jeronimo and performed by Gwen Jeronimo as Bluejay Midnight and Aspen Steeves as Coconut Silver.
Original music was composed and performed by Tamara Steeves.
To get more information or find a transcript of this episode, visit our website, ophiuchusradio.uwu.ai
Follow the show on twitter @ophiuchusradio or shoot us an email at ophiuchusradio@gmail.com. We always love to hear from our listeners.
Happy Temporal Assignment.