He Broke Me

I have always been a homebody. Introverted, shy, and quiet. The thought of meeting new people and talking to people ignites the anxiety buried within me to come out. Hell, even when I walk into McDonalds, I have to practice my order over and over again to gain the courage to speak without stuttering from my anxiety of speaking to another human being. Ariana used to laugh and yell at me about how shy and introverted I am. We are the complete opposite from each other; she is more people-going, extroverted, and loud. People have always connected with her with ease; I envy it.

She always drags me out of the house, forcing me to attend events, bonfires, dances, especially parties. Ariana used to always beg me to go to parties with her; of course, sometimes I'll give in to please her, but I usually stand my ground and say no, causing her to be beautifully frustrated with me. Her hazelnut eyes would roll in the back of her crown, desperately trying to maintain a mad attitude. It was cute, she is cute. All I wanted to be was at home. A couple of months ago, she stopped asking me. I wonder: does she know? Or is it just because she now has him to keep her company?

Parties are in no way ever my type of thing. The loud music, drunks, and the disgusting PDA is never something I like to experience. Or to have a front-row seat to a live show. It is always Ariana’s thing. She loves to let loose, and drink until she blacks out; “you only live once,” is what she always said. Then how the fuck am I living if I have already died? 

There are people scattered everywhere. Boys breaking the furniture, drunk girls throwing themselves at them. Begging to be touched. Then there’s me. Sitting in the back on the kitchen counter top, gulping the cheap tequila down my throat. The alcohol burn is what's keeping me alive. Staring out into the chaos of underaged teenagers; so far I haven’t seen anyone I know here. Thank god. The last thing I need is someone telling Ariana I'm here.

I’ve been here for a few hours now. After the fight with mom, I needed to get away. I couldn’t take anymore; the hurt that was splattered on her face in full display was killing me. I'm just hurting everyone. First Ariana, now my mom. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I destroying my life? Could they ever forgive me? I know Ariana won't, but will my mom? A teardrop falls down my face. I’m worthless. I take another swing of my beverage. Someone clearing their throat breaks me out of my trance.

“Hey mamas, dance with me,”  he says. I give him a tight smile, wiping the tears from my face,  and politely shake my head no. I just want to be alone. He walks closer to me, extending his hand out. Instead of accepting my declining body language, he leans in closer.

“Oh come on, just one dance,” he says. He throws his sparkling white grin my way. A couple weeks ago, I would have fainted from my anxiety going through the roof because a handsome boy was talking to me, but now I want nothing more than for him to find someone else. Understanding silence isn’t going to work, I decide to finally open my mouth.                          

“No thank you, I don't dance.”

“What, everybody dances.” He laughs, scooting a little closer my way, brushing his body against my knees.

Laughing nervously, giving him another tight smile: “Yeah. I don’t. I'm sorry, but no thank you. Not feeling it tonight.” He closes the distance between us, and I scoot further back on the counter.

“Come on! Who doesn’t dance at a party?”

“Me, I don’t dance.”

“You just haven’t danced with me yet.”

“There are plenty of other girls you can dance with.”

Scooting further back, my back hits the kitchen wall. He puts his hand on my thigh. My body freezes and starts to shake. Control yourself, calm down. Please don’t.

“True, but I want you though.” My body freezes up, I no longer hear the music. Everything is silent. I no longer see the handsome stranger in front of me. Where did everyone go? I see him. I see Joe. Joe’s here! “I want you Marie.” Get away from me. “I need you Marie.” No. No. NO. “You feel so good.” I slam the bottle down, breaking it in half, holding the broken glass in front of me in defense. “What the fuck!” he says.

“Get the fuck away from me!”

“Calm the fuck down!”

“Don't touch me!”

“Alright, damn!!”

“I said no Joe!”

“My name isn’t Joe, you crazy bitch.” I continue to hold the broken glass towards him; any closer and I’ll cut his face. One cut and his handsome face would be ruined. He’ll be ugly. Just like I am. Maybe I can make him feel how I feel. Someone calling my name breaks me out of my trance.

“Marie?” a soft male voice speaks up, I look over and see Ty. He slowly walks over my way, but halts his step when he notices the shiny glass in my hand. And I'm sure the crazed look on my face didn't help the situation. What is he doing here?

 “Marie, are you okay? Put down the glass.” Ty takes a slow step towards me, holding his hands up, putting them on full display.

“You know this bitch?” the stranger asks. Ty breaks away from me. He storms towards the stranger, coming face to face. He’s not even next to me, and I can feel his anger radiating off him.

“Call her out her name one more time, and we’ll see who the real bitch is.” Ty plays football. He’s been playing since he was a kid. Safe to say he’s much bigger compared to the stranger here. The stranger has to realize that; taking the smart option, he backs down.

“Whatever, both of you need to leave. Now!”

“Whatever,” Ty says. He turns towards me, giving me a soft smile. We stare at each other; he slowly drops his eyes towards the glass and back up to me. I drop the bottle. He slowly nods towards my hand, asking for permission to touch me. I don’t know what it is, but he makes me feel safe in some way. I nod yes, he grabs my hand and we slowly walk out of the house. The cold air hits my hot skin. Ty takes off his jacket, placing it across my shoulders.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine, he was just being pushy is all.”

“Okay. Do you need a ride home? I didn’t see Ariana in there. Are you here alone?”

“No I don’t stay far, I can walk home,” I say, ignoring his question. Liar. I live blocks away, but he doesn’t need to know that. I give him a grateful smile and turn to walk away, saying “Thank you.” What was I saying thank you for, I don't know. Thank you for the offer, thank you for defending me, or thank you for not questioning me. No clue. I put my head down and start walking in the direction of nowhere. I'm not ready to go home. I hear footsteps behind me. Please don’t follow me, Ty. I stop and turn back around. He’s following me.

“What, you don’t expect me to just leave you out here?”

“I told you I'm fine”

“You're intoxicated.”

“I'm fine.”

“Just three minutes ago you were close to killing a guy.”

“I’m. Fine.” I say through gritted teeth.

“I bet you say that so much, you’re even starting to believe it.” This guy. I roll my eyes, crossing my arms. I just want some peace for once. He huffs out, eyes lowering down onto mine. For a second there I almost feel as if he’s concerned about me.

“You just had some kind of episode back there, what's going on?”

“Ty-”

“I'm not asking for your life story; just to talk for a moment. To give you a chance to get something off your chest. Whatever it may be.”

 I open and close my mouth. What the hell does he want me to say? How Ariana and I haven't spoken to each other in over a month? How my mother is stressing over the final notice statements that she thinks I don't know anything about? How my ex-boyfriend is harassing me. How everybody in the damn town thinks I'm an easy girl? Or how three months ago I did the ultimate betrayal to my best friend because her boyfriend, who is also his best friend, stole my innocence from me, and I hate myself and will do anything to feel numb? My mouth opens and closes, unable to say any of those things. Instead, my body shakes from the overwhelming emotions running through me. I can’t do this anymore. My eyes water, and Ty notices and embraces me.

“Hey it's okay, let it out,” he says. And so I cry.

I'm not sure how long Ty and I stand there. I'm honestly not sure why I choose now to break down, but Ty gives me comfort in some way. He keeps his hands on my shoulders as I cry into his chest. After a while, I calm down, and we just stand in silence. From a person looking on from the outside, you'd think we were a couple embracing one another.

“You're going to feel like this for a long while, but you're strong, you can overcome it.” I pull back and stare at him, confused. What is he talking about? How does he know how I feel? He doesn’t look me in the eyes; instead, he stares into the distance. “You're going to feel worthless and disgusting but trust me you're the furthest from it.”

I completely pull away from him. His eyes lock on mine.

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to answer, I just notice–“

“Notice what?”

“That look on your face back there–” shut up. “The way your body froze and became defensive–” SHUT. “I noticed for a while, but you didn’t look like you wanted to be bothered. I saw how uncomfortable you were when he walked up to you.” UP. “I know the signs.” I shove him away from me.

“Shut up! You don’t know a damn thing,” I say, shoving him again. Pissed. How dare he! He doesn’t know a damn thing about me!

“Then why are you crying?” I'm crying? My face is wet. Eyes are glazed over. I'm crying.

“I watched my mother go through the same thing.”

“Same thing?”

“Raped. By my father.” He lowers his head, disconnecting our eyes. He sits on the curb,  looks up towards me, patting the side next to him. I join him.

“You don’t have to,” I say.

“It’s okay. I want to,” his voice cracks. Reaching for his hand, I interlock our fingers together, letting him know I’m here for him.  “She was raped when she was 16. Coming home from the library, she was attacked right outside her house. No matter how loud she screamed, no one came to help her. I was the product of her rape. It was a struggle for her, trying to decide whether to keep me or not. Even after I was born, I still saw the effects it had on her, and every day, she has to look at me and be reminded of the worst day of her life.”

“I'm sure she loves her son.”

“She does. She loves me with all her heart.”  I rest my head on his shoulder, us both staring into the darkness of the world. “ But her love for me doesn't erase the pain from that night.” His voice comes out as a harsh whisper. His mom's soul died that day, the same way mine did. You feel dirty. Just angry at the world. Once you feel like you can overcome it, there is always something there to remind you how your innocence was stolen from you. How a man held you down by the neck, choking the life out of you. Your lungs are gasping for air, sight is fading into the darkness of your mind as he forces you to “take it.” Four minutes of my life was stolen from me, while he had his four minutes of fun.

“It happened three months ago. At a party.”
         “Joe's party?” I flinch.

“Yeah,” I say softly.

“Is that why you and Ariana haven’t been together?”

“Partially. She wouldn’t bel–” The sound of yelling interrupts my confession. I take a deep breath and thank god. What would have happened if I told him? Would he laugh in my face and call me a liar? Would he believe me? Looking for the source of the sound, we find some guys fighting back at the party. This whole day is complete shit. I need to get home.

“Alright, let's get you home.”

Ty walks me home for the rest of the way. We talk about random things: why are our teeth white, who invented running, and why the hell are giraffes so tall? Soon we are standing outside my house. Tyler orders himself an Uber, which should be arriving any minute now, since he stays on the other side of town. I give him a couple of snacks for his kindness, and soon we hear the Uber pound their car horn. Ty gives me a hug but not before making me promise to continue this conversation later. He opens the car door, but before I can fully shut the front door, he yells my name.

“Marie!”

“Yes Ty,” I answer.

“Was it Joseph?”

“What do you mean?” I said no, Joe!

“Was it him that night at the party?” My heart drops. Dammit, Ty!

“Goodnight, Tyler.”  I give him a tight smile and close the front door.