JAYE and ROBERT are in front of a TV screen with the words “LEA MICHELE IS ILLITERATE: A presentation by Jaye Hunt and Robert Ackerman” backwards on it. JAYE is looking just right of the camera, while ROBERT sits back.
JAYE: Kat says “if I was Lea it wouldn’t matter that it’s backwards!” You’re right Kat, that’s the point.
ROBERT: That’s the spirit.
JAYE: Hi Facebook!
ANA (offscreen voice): Alright.
JAYE: Facebook, can you hear me?
ANA: (to the tune of ‘Papa, Can You Hear Me?’ from YENTL) Facebook, can you hear me?
JAYE: (reading from the screen to the right) Megan says “I thought this was going on Facebook. Are you going on Facebook? Oh good.” Yes, okay, great.
JAYE: Alright! We’re on Facebook. We’re on Facebook!
ROBERT: Hi everyone!
JAYE: Hello Facebook!
(ANA adjusts the camera)
JAYE: Oh god, it’s still backwards on Facebook.
ANA: That’s fine.
ROBERT: You know what? I’m gonna get on my knees. (He does) As I do. (Laughs)
JAYE: Hey everyone! We have three viewers. That’s so great.
JAYE: Okay, we’re gonna wait like a minute, just to make sure – ”you have to take it off selfie mode.” Oh! Of course! That makes so much sense.
ANA: Oh. (ANA starts adjusting the camera)
JAYE: Take it off selfie mode –
ROBERT: Turn it around.
JAYE: – and then just turn it around. (The camera turns around.) Thank you Rachel!
ROBERT: We won’t be able to read anything on Facebook.
JAYE: We can, we can use Ana’s computer.
ROBERT: Oh right!
ANA: But then it’s… Hmm.
JAYE: But we can use my phone.
ANA: Maybe I can just hold it. (Ana adjusts the camera again.)
JAYE: OH THAT’S SMART!
ROBERT: Hi everyone.
JAYE: Ana, will you read us our comments?
ANA: Sure. Um… “This is much more my speed. Thanks for coming on Facebook,” says Megan. Okay.
JAYE: Um, can – should we turn the TV a little bit?
ROBERT: Or should we tilt it…
JAYE: Or can you see?
ANA: I can see perfectly.
ROBERT: Oh, great!
JAYE: Um… Let’s wait just like a minute more…
ANA: We have five viewers right now.
JAYE: Great. Um…
JAYE: So, to everyone on Facebook, thank you for tuning in.
ROBERT: Yes, and we just went over with everyone on Instagram that this is backwards right now –
JAYE: It’s not backwards anymore.
ROBERT: Ohhhhhhhh –
JAYE: Because Ana turned it around.
ROBERT: Never mind.
JAYE: Because Rachel Burns, our tech expert…
ROBERT: So what you’re missing is –
JAYE: It – when it was backwards on Instagram, we said that it was backwards to give you a sense of what illiteracy is like – That’s horrible.
JAYE: That’s… very bad.
ROBERT: Is everyone ready for Game of Thrones tonight?
ANA: Who’s ready for Insecure? (pause) I’ll shut up.
ROBERT: I’m making Jaye and Ana watch Game of Thrones with me tonight.
ROBERT: I’m very excited.
JAYE: (mocking) Very excited.
ROBERT: However, I don’t… (sigh) I only watched like the first two episodes of Insecure. So we’ll see.
JAYE: Yeah, and you can watch the first two episodes of season – and I’m sure you’ll be able to, like, follow it. It’s not a very complicated… plot.
ROBERT: Oh I’m sure. I like her though!
JAYE: Love her. She’s great.
ANA: Alright, we’ve got Tessa –
ANA: We’ve got Keara, WE’VE GOT PENNY!
JAYE: (to the phone) Chris, go to Facebook.
ROBERT/JAYE: We’re drinking cranberry juice.
ROBERT: With no alcohol.
JAYE: Not in his. Just kidding, not in mine either.
ANA: Keara, just so you know, the Santana cutout does play a very big role in this presentation.
JAYE: Yeah. (Jaye and Robert gesture to the Santana Lopez cardboard cutout in the background. Jaye laughs.)
ANA: There is a reason why she’s there.
JAYE: Yeah, the Santana cutout is deliberately placed.
ROBERT: I don’t know what you guys are talking about; this is actually Naya Rivera. She’s come for this.
JAYE: Bye, Kat. Go to Facebook. Everyone go to Facebook. Okay.
ANA: We have eight viewers.
JAYE: When we get to ten we’ll start.
JAYE: And we’ll sit in silence until then.
ANA: Oh, we’re at six now.
ROBERT: “I can’t find it on Facebook.” Go to –
JAYE: Go to One More Thing Podcast Facebook page. Or just keep watching here. I mean, like, it’s fine.
ROBERT: It’s fine, it’s going to be the same thing.
JAYE: Yeah. You’re not gonna miss anything, you’ll just –
ANA: It’s not on my personal, right?
ROBERT: I shared it on Facebook, so maybe...
JAYE: Are you guys watching this on Ana’s page or on the One More Thing page?
ANA: Weigh in. (laughter) Please.
JAYE: Hey everyone, we’re one thousand years old.
ANA: We’re good at everything except live videos.
ROBERT: We’ve only gone live twice before.
JAYE (picking up another phone): Oh!
ROBERT: This is –
ANA: It’s on the One More Thing –
JAYE: AHH! Here I am! (Laughs)
ANA: Okay, great, we’re on the One More Thing.
JAYE: We’re on the One More Thing.
ANA: Thank you so much, everyone!
JAYE: Thank you. Keara Benton mentioned One More Thing Podcast…
ANA (laughing): Penny Hunt! She said One More Thing.
JAYE: Thank you mom!
ANA: Thank you! Okay.
ROBERT: So I – Before we get started, I just want to say that I (stammers)
ANA: My sister is…
ROBERT: We will be saying –
ANA: She’s here, as well.
ROBERT: Oh hi! We’ll be saying a lot about Lea Michele today, and I just want to make it clear that I love Lea Michele.
ANA: Yeah. This is not to bash Lea Michele.
ROBERT: I’m not trying to like…
JAYE: We really love Lea Michele.
JAYE: We just have a lot to say about her.
ROBERT: This kind of like, started as a concern.
ROBERT: And then grew into a conspiracy.
JAYE: Yeah. So, let’s… How the… frick do I share this post? Oh, I figured it out. Hold on everyone, I’m sharing the post. Um, okay, so, Robert, how’d this get started?
ANA: She said “Just yelled ‘you’re welcome’ at the screen and then remembered it’s not interactive.”
ROBERT: I see. (Laughter) Um… So… This all started one day when we… found out that Naya Rivera was writing a book called ‘Sorry Not Sorry.’ (JAYE holds up the book, ROBERT gestures to the cardboard cutout) Naya Rivera, also known from Glee. And we were like “oh my god we have to read it,” we both bought a copy, and we got through it and there – (the TV goes dark and everyone screams. Then it comes back on.) There are these – there’s this one chapter, and then multiple spots through the book, called… “From One Bitch To Another.”
JAYE: And they’re all about her feud with Lea Michele. So for those of you who don’t know, um, Naya and Lea had a feud, basically.
ROBERT: And it was huge.
JAYE: There’s nothing to know.
ROBERT: And it was through almost every season of the show –
ROBERT: And it led to why Naya was not really included into the later season.
JAYE: Yeah, because she (air quotes) wasn’t fired.
ROBERT: Yeah. And one of the quotes from the book that we’re gonna talk about is this one quote from the episode that was directed by Chris Colfer –
JAYE: Where Tim Conway, um, played a role.
JAYE: So basically, uh, Tim Conway is a famous comedian and improviser.
JAYE: And, uh, he wanted – he brought his granddaughter, he was really excited, he wanted to improv. Here’s the quote… um… uh… okay, God. “While the rest of us were in hysterics over Tim Conway’s constant improvising, it was throwing her off. Instead of just rolling with it, she kept interrupting, ‘so, like, um… are we going to do the scene as it’s written now?’ Come on! If Tim Conway wants to improvise, you let him improvise!” Uh… “He had even brought his granddaughter to the set because she was such a Glee fan, and she ended up crying because she couldn’t understand why someone was being such a bitch to her grandpa. Finally my costar gave up, locked herself in her trailer, and refused to come out.” So…
ROBERT: And, like, that – it is that brutal through the whole book.
JAYE: Yeah. And so we were, uh, having sushi burritos and we were talking about why Lea didn’t like, ha – mention this ever. Like never even acknowledged anything had happened.
ROBERT: And also, Naya was going on a book tour –
JAYE: And she talked about it!
ROBERT: And almost every person was like, “so, Lea Michele. What do you have to say.”
ROBERT: And she’s like “Read the book!”
JAYE: So we were like, “oh! Maybe Lea can’t read,” jokingly.
ROBERT: And we were like “ha ha.”
JAYE/ROBERT: And then we were like… huh.
JAYE: Maybe Lea…
JAYE/ROBERT: Can’t read.
JAYE: So, already, in the quote we just read, you hear that Lea refuses to do the lines any way except the way they are written exactly, because she has them memorized.
ROBERT: So keep that in mind.
JAYE: Keep that, think about that –
ROBERT: Through this entire broadcast.
JAYE: So here’s the – we’re gonna do the theory, and then the evidence.
JAYE: Here’s the theory. As many of you know, Lea Michele first appeared on Broadway at a very young age.
SLIDE: LEA MICHELE IN RAGTIME AT AGE 11 AND IN LES MISERABLES AT AGE 8
ROBERT: She… Her first role was in Ragtime, where she played – what is it, ‘Little Girl?’
JAYE: Little Girl.
ROBERT: And then, she went on to star in the hit Broadway classic Les Miserables, where she played one of the three girls that played Little Cosette and Little Eponine.
JAYE: And they would, like, rotate out.
JAYE: So in Ragtime, the character of Little Girl has, like, three lines, and they’re all, like, one word. They’re like:
JAYE/ROBERT: “Dead,” “papa,” (pause)
JAYE: “Amerikhe,” (laughter) like, that’s it. And, so, she literally had to learn, like, four words. And then, she went on to go – she went on to star in Les Miz, where all she had to do –
ROBERT: Which was already a hit.
JAYE: Yeah, and all she had to do was sing ‘Castle on a Cloud,’ which everyone – I – I could sing ‘Castle on a Cloud’ right now. I won’t. (laughter)
ROBERT: I was like “ohhhh, here we go”
JAYE: So, the – when a – when a young child does a show this big, basically their parents will just, like –
ROBERT: She literally can’t read at this stage.
JAYE: Yeah, this is literally too young to read. And so her parents would read her her lines.
ROBERT: They’d be like, “Lea. ‘Dada.’”
JAYE: And she’d be like “Dada.” And then she would, like, remember the lines. So, the idea is, she just missed school.
ROBERT: She never learned how to read.
JAYE: So she never got to learn.
ROBERT: She missed that whole step. She was busy being famous!
JAYE: And then she went on to appear in Spring Awakening.
SLIDE: LEA IN THE 2006 WORKSHOP OF SPRING AWAKENING WITH HER SCRIPT IN FRONT OF HER ON A MUSIC STAND AND AN OLD MAN HOLDING SCRIPT PAGES IN THE BACKGROUND
JAYE: Here’s a picture of her at the first reading, where you can see that –
ROBERT: This man –
JAYE: He’s using the script.
ROBERT: She’s using a script, however, not using it, because her pages have not been flipped. She’s also –
JAYE/ROBERT: NOT LOOKING AT IT/NOT READING IT.
JAYE: She’s not reading it.
JAYE: So then, after Spring Awakening, she goes on to a period –
ROBERT: Spring Awakening, which, like, may I remind everybody, she did for years.
JAYE: Yeah, for a long time.
ROBERT: She was in every incarnation of the show, and she did nothing else –
ROBERT: Because, all she had to do was memorize it once, and then, like –
JAYE: And then she just had it.
ROBERT: She was working.
JAYE: So then she went on to be in Glee, and after Glee she went on to be in Scream Queens, both of which she did with Ryan Murphy.
SLIDE: LEA WITH RYAN MURPHY
JAYE: WHO, the theory believes, knows her secret.
JAYE: Ryan Murphy knows the secret, and she only works with him because he reads her her lines and she remembers them.
ROBERT: Ryan Murphy is also notorious for keeping secrets.
ROBERT: That’s almost how he’s made his career.
JAYE: That’s his thing.
ROBERT: Um… So we believe that every week he would sit down with her and be like “Okay Lea, here’s your line.” And then he would say it, she would memorize it, and they would go step by step through this.
JAYE: Yeah. And, tell – uh, tell them about how – how they learned music on Glee.
ROBERT: OH! So there’s this weird thing – there’s this article out there that you can read about – I learned about it years ago, that on Glee, because they – uh, because they were turning out so much music so fast, like it got to the point where they were turning out six or seven songs per episode, where there were actually two Glee casts. There was the Glee cast that you saw, and then there was the Glee cast that recorded, and like worked with the musical, like, supervisors and musical directors and stuff, and would basically conceive the version of that song that you would hear on the episode and then record it, so that Lea Michele and Chris Colfer and Chord Overstreet could go into the recording studio, listen to that recording, and then just go for it.
JAYE: I mean…
ROBERT: Because they would sit there in the recording studio and pump out so many songs for episodes and episodes and episodes. So Lea never had to learn a lyric for that entire show.
JAYE: She never had to read a lyric, she just heard it.
ROBERT: She literally walked into the booth, heard Sally Whatshername singing, and then just, like, put her Lea Michele twist on it and went with it.
ROBERT: And, a lot of Lea Michele’s songs on Glee… are Barbra Streisand songs.
JAYE: Super, yeah, or, like, Celine Dion songs. Like, they’re super famous.
ROBERT: And, there’s also – we haven’t talked about this, but, um, there’s an article where Ryan Murphy…
ANA: She learned them phonetically.
JAYE: OH YEAH!
ROBERT: Yeah. Ryan Murphy also was like, “when I would hear songs around the set, I would include them in the episodes.” So…
JAYE: So, maybe she was listening.
JAYE: So, that’s the theory. Now we’re moving onto the evidence.
ROBERT: Which is what you’re all here for.
JAYE: Yeah. So here we go. We’re gonna start with the most basic.
JAYE: Lea never uses her own phone.
SLIDE: Two pictures of Lea where someone else is holding her phone
ROBERT: Here are – Here is Lea almost today –
ROBERT: With her assistant using Lea’s phone. And on this season we have Lea, uh –
JAYE: Early Glee.
ROBERT: Early Glee, with her assistant using her phone.
JAYE: A different assistant. Two different assistants, two different points in time, both using Lea’s phone for her. (pause) Also, when she was filming Scream Queens, there were a lot of pictures of her and Emma Roberts together, and Emma would be using –
JAYE/ROBERT: Lea’s phone.
JAYE: We’re not going to look at those or discuss those because I don’t feel comfortable discussing Emma Roberts at this point in time.
ROBERT: Know that there’s some pretty good content out there, if you want to look for it.
JAYE: We’ll do a sequel when I’m feeling emotionally stable enough to look at Emma Roberts’s face. So (laughter) most of our evidence comes from Lea Michele’s social media.
ROBERT: Yeah, she’s very conscious on social media.
JAYE: Yeah, she’s very – she’s got a lot going on on social media.
ROBERT: (air quotes) She’s.
JAYE: Yeah. Lea, or her assistant, is very active on social media. She’s got a Facebook page.
SLIDE: A still from a Facebook video where Lea is in a pool
JAYE: As evidenced here, you can see that when Lea has news, she goes live, or posts a video, much like us. She – and then she’ll post, like, “Special announcement! The countdown begins now!” But she doesn’t post what the announcement is. She posts a video because she can’t, like, write it all out. She has to post it.
JAYE: So, a couple months ago, she went live with Darren Criss.
SLIDE: A still from a Facebook video where Lea is with Darren Criss in a living room
JAYE: To talk about “her new album ‘Places,’ his new band Computer Games Music, and Glee.” Um, and you can see here, she’s live with Darren Criss, right here, and there’s this long caption.
JAYE: One month before that, she went live by herself…
SLIDE: A still from a Facebook video of just Lea
JAYE: No caption at all.
ROBERT: Come on. That’s pretty clear.
JAYE: She’s alone in her room, she’s live, she can’t type anything.
ROBERT: She can’t post a status!
JAYE: She can’t put a caption on a video because she cannot write it.
JAYE: Um, so that’s her Facebook, her Instagram, uh, is another story all together. It’s really got a lot of information for us. Um, so, we’ve got, uh, a couple of examples of times when Lea clearly can’t be posting the picture…
SLIDE: Lea onstage and Lea in a makeup chair, both from her Instagram
JAYE: Because, like, here she’s onstage…
ROBERT: This is from her insta story.
ROBERT: And this is from her actual Instagram.
JAYE: And in both of these she’s clearly not the one posting the picture because she’s in the makeup chair.
ROBERT: She’s right there.
JAYE: And she’s onstage.
ROBERT: She’s right there.
JAYE: Quick side note: this blonde woman is the same blonde woman who was holding her phone earlier.
ROBERT: Also note that both of these posts have captions. This has this long caption about her dream to sing with Jonathan Groff, because that’s when he, like, showed up at her concert, and this one says DIVA.
JAYE: Also, shoutout: Ariana Grande liked this picture. (laughter) So, you may notice on her Instagram, or at least we have…
SLIDE: Six instagram posts with emoji captions
JAYE: that she posts a lot of pictures where the caption is just emojis. These are six examples from the last few months.
ROBERT: You note that this is a sunset and a palm tree; star, heart, christmas tree, present; palm tree, star, palm tree, star; camera; flower, palm tree; and I’m just gonna.. Yeah.
JAYE: Sex. (Jaye yelps, Robert laughs) Also, shoutout to gofisch14, who has liked the pictures in every screenshot we have.
ROBERT: Jacob Fischer!
JAYE: Jacob Fischer, if you’re watching. So we have – Lea here is posting for herself, so she’s just putting emojis.
ROBERT: And note that this is just the most recent stuff.
JAYE: Yeah. We just went back, like, six months in her Instagram and we found all of this.
JAYE: But then, when there’s a picture of a…
SLIDE: Six instagram pictures with long captions
JAYE: like, of, like, of Lea eating hummus, which you can’t really see, because we were trying to fit them all…
ROBERT: Or a sunset, or her with someone…
JAYE: Or an ad, there’s a caption, and then at the end, there’s an emoji. Because…
ROBERT: Like this. “Santa Monica stroll with… a person… emoji emoji.”
JAYE: “Hawai’i, emoji emoji.”
ROBERT: Long caption…
JAYE/ROBERT: Emoji emoji.
ROBERT: This is, I think, the most interesting one, because…
JAYE: This is very interesting.
ROBERT: This is an advertisement for national hummus day, and for Say-bra?
ROBERT: Sah-bra. She was in Astor Place and did a thing for hummus, and this is very much they were like “this is what you need to caption.”
JAYE: This is what you…
ROBERT: To the point where they even captioned “#ad.”
JAYE: Well you have to, legally, if you’re posting an ad on Instagram, say “#ad.”
ROBERT: Oh! Didn’t know that.
JAYE: But then they let her put two emojis in. So the thing with the emojis is that someone else will write the caption and then be like, “here you go Lea.”
ROBERT: And she’ll be like –
JAYE: She’ll be like, “yay! Emojis!”
JAYE: Um, so, uh…
ROBERT: Still questioning? Just wait.
JAYE: One second, let me see what… Oh. Okay, so, up next –
ROBERT: My favorite.
JAYE: Up next we have a video, um, that is a little creepy, so just beware.
ROBERT: It’s also really hot.
JAYE: Yeah, if you’re attracted to Jonathan Groff… Beware.
SLIDE: A video of a close up of Jonathan Groff saying “Lea, you’re so fucking hot and I love you so much, and I just wanna be with you all the time!”
ROBERT: Should we watch that one more time?
JAYE: We’ll watch it again, just to –
ROBERT: Pay attention to the words that he says.
JONATHAN GROFF: Lea, you’re so fucking hot and I love you so much, and I just wanna be with you all the time!
JAYE: “I love you so much,” he says.
ROBERT: Look at his lips.
JAYE: He says, “I love you so much.”
SLIDE: Three more Lea instagram posts
JAYE: Her next post is the two of them together, and the caption is “NYC // ILYSM.”
ROBERT: “Heart.” Now let’s just break it down.
JAYE: Okay. Ana, bring it back in, we have to analyze this caption. (ANA zooms the camera in on the caption.) So, first of all –
ROBERT: Also, remember we have Instagram behind you.
JAYE: Here, I’ll take over, I’ll take over.
JAYE: Okay. So we’ve got “NYC // ILYSM,” which is the words Jonathan just said, and then an emoji. So note this //. She goes on to – every time she’s in New York, she posts a picture for her bed series that includes – first of all, she says “NYC //,” same as here –
ROBERT: Bed series.
JAYE: Bed series. “It’s finally vacation! //”
ROBERT: Bed series!
JAYE: So, are the two slashes Jonathan’s signature?
ROBERT: ‘Cause, let’s back up! He said “I love you so much.” (pointing to the captions) “I love you so much //,” “New York,” which is where Jonthan Groff lives, “//,” and “//”!
JAYE: Also, shoutout: Ana Verde liked this picture.
ANA: Follow me on Instagram!
JAYE: Um, so! Uh…
ROBERT: Stay with us.
JAYE: All of this is just, like, her social media, and so that’s, like – it’s very – we can’t like really solidly –
ROBERT: Okay, well –
JAYE: But, here’s something –
ROBERT: Hard evidence.
JAYE: Hard evidence that Lea is not writing. We’ve got a picture from her Instagram story –
SLIDE: Lea “signing” a book, next to a zoomed in version of the picture where her hand is several inches from the book, circled in red.
JAYE: Where she’s signing a book… The pen’s not touching the paper. The pen’s not touching the paper.
ROBERT: If you’re having a hard problem seeing on Instagram, go to Facebook.
JAYE: The pen is not touching the paper. You can see very clearly – I put this circle here.
ROBERT: And this is something that SHE posted. This wasn’t taken by a fan or anything like that, this was the content that she wanted out in the world.
JAYE: Yeah. And lest you think we’re just exaggerating and this is just a one-off deal…
SLIDE: Four pictures of Lea with her hand floating above the book she’s supposed to sign
JAYE: Four pictures, four different times, four different places, four different markers, never touching the paper. (ANA zooms in on the pens, ROBERT laughs) Note: She’s signing her book in two of them, she’s signing her CD in one of them, she’s signing a magazine in one of them, and the pen never touches the paper.
ROBERT: It doesn’t.
JAYE: Like, it doesn’t – I mean, it just… It’s hard evidence.
ROBERT: And so now –
JAYE: We have a video. Um, BEWARE: this video has got hella flashing lights in it.
JAYE: Um, so… just watch, if you –
ROBERT: Before this video, this is a video of her signing her book –
JAYE: Um, at a press event.
JAYE: Um, if you can’t watch flashing lights, stop watching now!
(The slide jumps forward)
ROBERT: Nope, you did the wrong thing.
JAYE: I messed up! I messed up!
(The video plays – it is of Lea holding her marker above the book and posing)
ROBERT: Notice how her marker never touches… Never! At all!
JAYE: It never!
ROBERT: It doesn’t.
JAYE: It literally never touches the paper! Which, I mean like –
ROBERT: Come on!
JAYE: Come on! So, we showed you an accidental little sneak preview of this slide before, but you’re probably thinking, like, “okay, but she has – she signs books. Like, she does sign books.”
ROBERT: “Like, come on.”
JAYE: “There are signatures out there.” Well, Jenna Rush, our Lea Michele correspondent, has a copy of the book that is signed by Lea Michele and she saw her sign it.
JAYE: And she was kind enough to share a picture of the signature, which we will show now.
SLIDE: An instagram post of Lea smiling with Jenna’s signed book and then a zoomed in version of the signature on Jenna’s book (it’s just a squiggle)
ROBERT: What’s that?
JAYE: That doesn’t say Lea Michele.
ROBERT: No. That is…
JAYE: That does not say Lea Michele.
ROBERT: Maybe a sideways snowman? It’s, like, a snowman?
JAYE: Or, like, a butterfly maybe?
JAYE: Like, sure, here’s an L, and, like, here’s an M, vaguely. But this is not –
ROBERT: Oh, I didn’t even see the M!
JAYE: Because it’s not an M!
ROBERT: Yeah. It’s…
JAYE: It doesn’t say “Lea Michele.”
ROBERT: It’s literally her just being like (flailing)
JAYE: She’s just like (flailing). So, if you’re wondering about the book itself…
ROBERT: ‘Cause, I mean… It’s a book! And it says that she’s an author!
JAYE: (pulling out a copy) We’ve got a copy.
ROBERT: It’s called Brunette Ambition. If you’ve never read it, we’re about to walk you through it.
JAYE: The book is simply – I’m not even gonna look at it, I’m just gonna open to a random page. It’s just pictures! (it is)
ROBERT: (pointing to a list) And these…
JAYE: And, like, workout instructions, which anyone could have written. (Flipping through it) Let’s see. Pictures, and then the big word friendship, and then just like… It’s, literally, like, it’s recipes… It – here’s some food she made – it’s her Instagram feed! It’s not a book.
ROBERT: There’s no content. There’s no content!
JAYE: There’s literally no content. It’s just pictures, and, like, the occasional recipe. It’s out of control.
JAYE: Um, so the next thing we’re gonna show is really shocking.
ROBERT: Oh, this is what really skyrocketed our, uh, this theory from just, like, a joke, to like –
JAYE: To, like, oh.
ROBERT: To legit, “oh, this is real.”
JAYE: So, this…
ROBERT: And know that when we first saw this we lost our damn minds.
JAYE: What you’re about to see is a video of Lea Michele claiming to sign a wall.
ROBERT: This is from her insta story. It’s one of those things where you get in, like, as a celebrity, invited to a press thing, and there’s a big wall in the back, and they invite everyone who was a guest to go sign it.
ROBERT: We’re gonna watch this a few times to walk you through it.
VIDEO: Lea saying “I’m at Columbia, signing on the artists’ wall!” then drawing a line under her prewritten name, before the camera pans across the whole wall
JAYE: Okay, first of all: before the video even starts, her name’s already written.
ROBERT: Also, that’s not her handwriting.
JAYE: Yeah. That does not look anything like the signature we just showed you.
ROBERT: Second of all: the line that she seems to be drawing underneath of her name is already there, but erased.
JAYE: She’s just going over it. She – now, let’s watch again. She says:
LEA: “I’m at Columbia, signing on the artists’ wall!”
JAYE: “Signing on the artists’ wall.” No she’s not!
ROBERT: Putting a line under your name is not signing.
JAYE: “I’m at Columbia, drawing a line on the artist wall,” no! (ROBERT laughs) She says “I’m at Columbia, I’m signing the artists’ wall.” Which she’s –
JAYE: Let’s watch it one more time. (The slides jump around) Oops. Help! Okay.
LEA: “I’m at Columbia, signing on the artists’ wall!”
ROBERT: Come on! Lea!
JAYE: Lea, that’s not signing! That’s not what signing is! What – what we have seen Lea do as “signing” is a scribble that looks like nothing and a line. The easiest thing in the world to write is your own name.
ROBERT: Yeah, you learn it almost immediately –
ROBERT: Too bad she was busy doing Ragtime.
JAYE: She never learned it. But, the good news is Lea is trying to learn to read.
SLIDE: Lea and Jonathan Groff looking at a phone
ROBERT: She is!
JAYE: Here’s Lea and Jonathan, teaching her, or trying to, but –
ROBERT: Lea seems to be drinking.
JAYE: She’s got some underaged alcohol.
ROBERT: So maybe she didn’t retain it.
JAYE: And, we actually have an exclusive picture of her with a tutor.
SLIDE: Lea looking at a piece of paper while a man watches over her shoulder
JAYE: Here she is, learning. Um, uh…
ROBERT: Notice that his mouth is open, and –
JAYE/ROBERT: Hers is not.
JAYE: Um, and there’s actually – we have a couple of pictures of, um… We have a couple of pictures of, uh, from her Instagram, she’ll sometimes use her Instagram stories to practice her vocab words.
SLIDE: four instagram stories side by side
JAYE: Here we have:
JAYE/ROBERT: “GIRLS,” “Coconuts,” “LA…”
ROBERT: And this is the wall at Soulcycle?
JAYE: Which she’s posted because she’s like “can anyone tell me what this says?” And –
ROBERT: Also notice that these two (GIRLS and Coconuts) are clearly from the same trip.
ROBERT: And that she’s not the one taking the picture, this girl is!
JAYE: And also can we just point out: this Soulcycle picture was taken about a month ago…
JAYE: And she’s learning the word “cult.” (ANA laughs)
ROBERT: Come on, Ryan Murphy. American Horror Story: Cult.
JAYE: This weekend, Ryan Murphy announced that American Horror Story would be called Cult. Is it a coincidence?
ROBERT: Which she’s – she’s in it, right?
JAYE: She’s literally learning what she’s about to be in. He’s saying, “you’re gonna have to learn the word cult.”
ROBERT: Come on.
JAYE: Come on, guys. Okay, so now, um, we have two videos that we’re gonna kind of jump through.
SLIDE: The cast of Glee on the Ellen show
JAYE: This is the cast of Glee on the – they’re actually both the cast of Glee on the Ellen show. (laughter)
JAYE: Because, as we’ve mentioned before, Ellen Degeneres, enemy of the podcast, is evil and wants her guests to suffer.
JAYE: So this is two examples of her trying to make Lea read and write and Lea not knowing what to do.
ROBERT: So what you’re gonna see in this is Ellen discovers the game Cards Against Humanity and decides to play it with a lot of her guests. She does this with other people as well.
ROBERT: And here we have: Chord Overstreet, Darren Criss… Uh, Tina… and Chris Colfer, and one Lea Michele. Keep your eye on Lea Michele and Chris Colfer especially through this video.
JAYE: Yeah. So, we’re just gonna – we’re gonna play it, we might jump around a little, but we’re just gonna – okay.
ELLEN: … One of our new favorite games, it’s called Cards Against Humanity. Here’s how it works: I have three categories –
ROBERT: Do you have the remote?
JAYE: I can’t –
ELLEN: You have to pick the card that –
JAYE: Okay, so basically she’s explaining the rules of Cards Against Humanity – I hate this thing.
ELLEN: Whichever one I think is best, I pick that card –
JAYE: How do I –
ROBERT: Oh, I think it’s all the way up.
JAYE: Okay, so she says “if I pick your card, you get a point.” That’s important. So if she picks the card that someone put, they win. So she’s gonna put up the first one, “I get by with a little help from” – she’ll say it.
ELLEN: “I get by with a little help from __________.”
ROBERT: My friends!
JAYE: So everyone else is sorting through –
ROBERT: She’s kinda like…
JAYE: Lea does not move her cards because they’re in the order she needs.
ROBERT: She’s like “hmmm…”
JAYE: She’s like “I wonder which one!” And watch, she’s kind of vaguely looking.
ROBERT: Notice that –
JAYE/ROBERT: Everyone else gets up!
ROBERT: And she’s like, “well, I might as well run up there!”
JAYE: And she takes... a random one and just puts it out, and then she’s like, “okay!” and she sits down.
ELLEN: Okay? Alright, I get by with a little help from…
JAYE: We can… there’s nothing…
ROBERT: She doesn’t win.
JAYE: Yeah, she –
JAYE/ROBERT: doesn’t win this first round.
JAYE: This horrible thing is just being terrible. Um, she doesn’t win this round… How do I… Someone help me with powerpoint! Can I like… nope. Great, here we go… Ugh.
ELLEN: And… “Tasteful sideboob.”
JAYE: That was Lea’s, by the way. She definitely...
ROBERT: Also, “tasteful sideboob” doesn’t make sense with that answer, not even in a, uh, Cards Against Humanity way.
JAYE: Okay, here we go. And now I’ll just, like, drag it back. Okay, so… No…
(The screen brightens and ROBERT gasps)
ROBERT: There’s a flash!
JAYE: So, yeah, okay. “I’ve got 99 problems–” Look at her. Again, she’s doing the exact same motion (ROBERT pantomimes fake looking like Lea’s doing with her cards) Just kind of like – oh my god, I didn’t even see that! Everyone else gets up…
ROBERT: Darren knows. Chord knows. Tina knows. Chris knows.
JAYE: Lea’s STILL LOOKING! Everyone else has gone up.
ROBERT: She’s gonna pick one…
JAYE: She finally goes and is like “uh–” (Lea shrieks in the video) She shrieks!
ROBERT: She’s like “this one!”
JAYE: She has no idea. And she trots back…
ELLEN: Alright. “I’ve got 99 problems but…” (JAYE jumps the video ahead)
JAYE: Yeah. Okay.
ROBERT: So, Ellen…
ELLEN: Oh, “balls” is gonna win. (Applause)
LEA: Oh my god!
JAYE: That’s just her being excited. Um, okay. “What’s my secret power?” Once again, everyone’s looking… Now, this is when –
JAYE: The theory cracks open.
ROBERT: Let’s pay attention to this.
JAYE: Yeah. Here she goes. Here comes Lea.
JAYE: Whispering with Chris.
ROBERT: And Chris…
JAYE: There she goes…
ROBERT: Now she’s gonna sit down…
JAYE: Keep an eye on her. (Ellen comes onscreen) Go away. (ROBERT covers Ellen’s face) Okay, so Lea’s looking around, here comes Ellen, doing something stupid…
ROBERT: Alright, here we go…
JAYE: Okay. So, Ellen is reading them…
ELLEN: Always good. “Seeing grandma naked”... “pretending to care”...
ROBERT: Chris loved that one.
ELLEN: “...Tickling them as your own”... “Waiting till marriage.”
JAYE: So –
ELLEN: I think “pretending to care!” (Cheering)
TINA: You won!
LEA: I won!
ROBERT: Alright, let’s pause it.
JAYE: Okay, so –
ROBERT: So what happens is Ellen picks her card, and then everyone on the Glee cast is like “you won!”
JAYE: Everyone points to her and she’s like “yeah!” And then listen to what Chris Colfer says. It’s shocking.
ELLEN: I think “pretending to care!” (Cheering)
CHRIS COLFER: Oh, good job, Lea. Good job. Good job.
JAYE: He’s proud of her because she got a word game right.
ROBERT: Let’s just say that again. He’s proud of her… because she got a word game –
JAYE: A word game.
JAYE: Because she used her words.
ROBERT: And did you hear the tone in his voice?
JAYE: We’ll play it one more… one last time.
CHRIS COLFER: Good job, Lea. Good job. Good job.
ROBERT: That’s a petty thank, coming from award-winning, best-selling author Chris Colfer.
JAYE: That’s – that’s what you say to your illiterate friend –
JAYE: When she wins Cards Against Humanity.
JAYE: We know cause we’ve been there. So, our next video is also on the Ellen show.
ROBERT: (laughs) Yup.
JAYE: It’s several years later. We’ve got Chord Over – Actually, we’ve got the whole same group.
ROBERT: Oh yeah! But they’re in different clothing –
JAYE: They’re older.
ROBERT: It’s from a different season.
JAYE: You can see Chord has a beard. So it’s Chord, um, it’s Darren, it’s Jenna –
ROBERT: Oh, Jenna!
JAYE: It’s Chris, and it’s Lea. Um, now something important to remember is that his name is C-h-o-r-d. Chord. So what they’re doing is they’re playing like a “Most likely to–” (Don’t Stop Believing starts playing) That’s upsetting.
ANA: Oh, this is really…
(JAYE jumps the video forward)
JAYE: Um, so they’re playing a little game with whiteboards, that’s like a “most likely to do whatever…”
ANA: (Zooming in on Lea) You can already see the panic in her eyes. (Laughter)
JAYE: I know, I know, she’s like “oh god!” Okay, hold on, woah woah woah…
ROBERT: So Ellen –
JAYE: Hold on, we have to go back, sorry I – I fucked up again.
ROBERT: So basically when Ellen will do is she’ll be like “most likely to kiss a stranger!” and then they all use their whiteboard –
JAYE: They all have to write.
ROBERT: And they will WRITE the person in the Glee cast’s name that they think would kiss a stranger.
JAYE: So, alright, we just have to watch… Okay. So, she’s like “fuck, we have to write.”
ELLEN: We’re going to play something called Class Superlatives. So I’ll say something –
ROBERT: Here she goes.
JAYE: Confused about the pen already. (ROBERT laughs) Okay, so. She’s hiding her board from everyone…
ELLEN: … get caught sleeping on set.
JAYE: Look, we’ve got her…
LEA: Well, we have the same answer.
JAYE: She’s not writing…
ELLEN: Are we ready? Turn around. Okay.
JAYE: She literally never wrote her answer.
JAYE: It was literally already written for her.
ELLEN: “I’m asleep right now!” That’s…
DARREN: I’m asleep right now.
ELLEN: You’re such a good actor.
JAYE: And then she’s great at erasing.
ELLEN: Biggest life of the party.
ROBERT: Keep an eye on Lea. She doesn’t write.
JAYE: She literally did not write.
ROBERT: Aaaaaand… there’s her answer.
(They turn their boards around)
ANA: What – how?
ROBERT: Yeah, same q. Also notice that the word “Darren,” if you could see it, is kind of slantly written on the corner of her whiteboard.
ROBERT: As if maybe someone did it from behind her? I don’t know!
JAYE: Yeah, like maybe there’s someone right there just being like –
ELLEN: Most likely to...
ROBERT: Keep an eye! Look!
JAYE: She like turns it…
LEA: That – Let’s do that one not in this room.
ROBERT: Here she goes – watch – she still hasn’t written anything… There she… She hasn’t… There we go.
ROBERT: Okay, ready?
LEA: Yeah, I’m going to be arrested.
JENNA: I don’t know.
JAYE: We never actually saw her write.
(They turn their boards around)
JAYE: There we go. Also, they all write that Mark Salling’s gonna get arrested, which is…
ROBERT: His court date might be in our calendar.
ELLEN: Biggest one, biggest flirt.
JAYE: Okay, this one… So we like, we see her writing this time.
ROBERT: Yeah, here she goes. She’s paying attention.
JAYE: She’s working really hard… It takes her a long time…
ROBERT: She knows she’s got it.
JAYE: She’s ready.
They all turn their boards around. The video pauses. Lea’s board says “chord” but very sloppily.
JAYE: That doesn’t say Chord! (laughter) That literally –
ROBERT: Note that she’s gone over the letters…
JAYE: It literally says, like, “Chad.” It says, like, “shard.”
ROBERT: Shard! Like a shallot, but…
JAYE: Um, the rest of the video is just them talking about Chord Overstreet being a flirt.
ROBERT: Come on.
JAYE: Like, that… That video is literally damning.
ROBERT: Yeah! When I found this video, I sent it to Jaye and I was like “oh no. This might have thwarted this entire conspiracy.” And then I watched it, and I was like “holy shit, no! It adds to it!”
JAYE: She literally never writes.
ANA: I’m about to turn the flash on again. It’s really bright.
JAYE: Um, the good news… Or, no, okay, so our last slide on this is an – like, a final example of Lea being confronted with text and not knowing how to use it.
ROBERT: Yeah she just – she’s confused –
JAYE: She’s really confused and she doesn’t know what to do.
SLIDE: Lea in the Rocky Horror Show with a newspaper on her head.
JAYE: There she goes.
ROBERT: That’s not how you read a newspaper.
JAYE: So, that is our presentation on Lea Michele’s illiteracy.
ROBERT: Yeah. Comment in the comment section below and tell us your thoughts.
JAYE: Yeah, actually, Ana, can you read us some comments and tell us what people are thinking?
ANA: Sure. I’d be happy to.
ANA: Um… So, my – so, in the middle of the stream, Clare, Tessa’s mom, joined us, so that was great.
JAYE/ROBERT: Hi Clare!
ANA: Um, Chris Kennelly –
ANA: Kennelly, sorry, wants to know what Benedict Cumberbatch thinks of Lea?
JAYE: Loves her.
ROBERT: Yeah, 100%.
ANA: My sister says “this is incredible content” and she loves a great conspiracy theory, and she says “ghostwriters are a thing.”
JAYE: That’s true!
ROBERT: Chris Colfer could have written that book!
JAYE: He’s a professional author!
ANA: Yeah. He says “this is like Kim Kardashian exposing Taylor Swift on Snapchat all over again.”
JAYE: Thank you.
ROBERT: Are we gonna –
ANA: Tracey King says “the truth is out there.”
ROBERT: Nice little X-Files reference.
JAYE: Thank you Tracey.
ANA: Kat says “#evilellen”
ROBERT: I mean, I kind of like Ellen, but…
JAYE: Trend that.
ANA: And Megan says she can’t hear the tone in Chris Colfer’s voice, but we can include the link on our page for the video.
ROBERT: Oh, yeah, totally. For context, he says it like (condescending) “oh Lea, good job, Lea.”
ANA: Robert is an actor.
ROBERT: Find me on Backstage.
JAYE: Um, let’s go over to Instagram for a moment. Um, let’s see… Oooh, I look great.
ROBERT: Ah! It’s so hot.
JAYE: Um, great question. “I’m not illiterate but my signature sucks too.” That’s fine, that doesn’t negate Lea Michele being illiterate.
JAYE: Oh, I messed that up. No one else had any questions. Great.
JAYE: Um, so anyway, that’s our evidence.
JAYE: Please tell your friends.
JAYE: Um, the main goal for, like, this situation, is that we would love to have Lea Michele – uh, we would love to meet her, and we would love to give her something to write.
JAYE: Like, we want to tell her what to write, because we don’t believe that if we’re like “hey Lea,” like, “just write us something…”
ROBERT: She’ll come prepared.
JAYE: She’ll already know. She has things memorized so that she can just, like, write and read things. Um, so the idea would be to just, like, give her a book, or, like, tell her something to write down –
ROBERT: And be like, “copy the page.”
JAYE: Yeah. Um –
ROBERT: Like, I feel like I did that in elementary school.
JAYE: Yeah. I mean, that would help her learn anyway.
ROBERT: Yeah. There was a text – or, a group chat that we had for a while that was literally called “Lea Michele’s English tutors.”
JAYE: So if you ever find any evidence about this, email it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
ROBERT: Yeah! Tweet at us…
JAYE: And we will post it. Um, we are your number one source for Lea Michele truthers.
JAYE: Um – uh…
ANA: Penny says to ambush her with a Virginia Woolf book.
ROBERT: Oh! Well, now that you’ve said it out loud –
ROBERT: Lea might come prepared.
JAYE: It would have to be something that we’ve only ever discussed in private.
JAYE: Or – so email us with Lea Michele suggestions.
ROBERT: Yeah, of what you want us to do.
JAYE: Um –
ROBERT: So, before we go, we have a couple of announcements.
JAYE: Yeah, so, if you liked this video, which hopefully you did, uh, and you want to see more videos like this, we have an announcement, which is that we have a –
JAYE: Patreon page!
ROBERT: You’re probably like –
JAYE/ROBERT: What’s Patreon?
ROBERT: I asked the same question.
JAYE: Patreon is a website where you can sign up to, uh, give a monthly donation to a creator or creators.
JAYE: Uh… Our link is patreon.com/onemorething, and for five – for one dollar a month, you can get an episode of One More Thing that no one else gets, even when we’re on hiatus, like right now, everyone who, uh, gives us one dollar on Patreon will get an episode.
ROBERT: It’s exclusive.
JAYE: By August 1st.
ROBERT: It’ll be so cool…
JAYE: And it’s a good one.
JAYE: It may or may not be about Ryan Murphy.
JAYE: Um… And if you give us five dollars a month, you’ll get videos like this every month delivered to your email inbox. It might be something like this, it might be me and Robert… vlogging.
JAYE: It might be an episode of my cooking show.
JAYE: It might be… I don’t know, what else?
ROBERT: I don’t know, but it will be that including the exclusive episode that everybody else got.
JAYE: Yeah, that and the exclusive episode. For $25 you’ll get merch, and the other two things.
ROBERT: Yeah, merch. Shirts, hats, pins, water bottles, whatever you want, really. We’ll make it.
JAYE: It’s true. For $50, Ana will send you personalized memes. $50 a month.
JAYE: And, um… Mom, turn the video off now! For a thousand dollars…
ROBERT: For a thousand dollars a month…
JAYE: We’ll send you nudes.
ROBERT: We’ll send you… Yup, we’ll send you nudes.
JAYE: For $1000 a month!
ROBERT: How can they find our Paragon account? (pause) Paragon? Patreon? Pentagon?
JAYE: Patreon.com/onemorething. P-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com, forward slash one more thing. You can go there – (The TV turns off) whoops! You can, uh, go there, you can sign up, give us some cashish, you can just, uh, send it our way, and you’ll get a special video from us thanking you for your donation that I honestly think is –
JAYE/ROBERT: some of our best work –
JAYE: Of all time.
ROBERT: Also please don’t forget: you can subscribe to our newsletter, which you will get once a week while we’re in production –
JAYE: (walking away from the camera) It’s tinyletter.com/onemorething.
ROBERT: Yep, super easy. Um, go follow us on Instagram and Facebook as if you don’t – aren’t already, and subscribe to us and leave us a little, uh, writing on iTunes!
JAYE: (returning with a cat) And, speaking of iTunes –
ROBERT: Oh god.
ROBERT: Just cats.
JAYE: Oh. Speaking of iTunes, we have an announcement!
JAYE: Which is that starting tomorrow…
JAYE: We’re releasing more episodes!
JAYE: Aaah! We are releasing, um, tiny little mini-episodes.
ROBERT: We’re calling them snacks.
JAYE: They’re called snacks, they’re all under ten minutes, they’re going to come out once every two weeks until season two starts.
ROBERT: Yeah. A lot of them are things that were cut from previous episodes in season one that we just thought weren’t right for the season.
JAYE: Yeah, tomorrow’s, uh – tomorrow’s premiere snack is a conversation with Ana that we cut from our finale.
ROBERT: Mmhmm, that’s really cool.
JAYE: Yeah, that’s really good.
ROBERT: And then we have a lot of other cool stuff planned until we premiere for season 2.
JAYE: So stay tuned, and, um, season 2 is coming your way…
JAYE: That announcement will happen sometime soon.
ROBERT: Yeah, it’ll probably be in a snack. So you’ll want to be, uh, listening.
JAYE: Yeah, so you’ll want to subscribe to the snacks. Um…
ROBERT: I’m being blinded.
JAYE: Yeah, this flash is very bright.
ANA: Everyone – well, not everyone, someone said it’s very Blair Witch Project, so I’m keeping it.
ROBERT: Oh wow.
ANA: We can’t close out this episode without saying thank you to our one true love. Naya Rivera.
JAYE: Yeah, thank you to Naya.
ANA: For providing us the groundwork.
ROBERT: Yeah, she did! Maybe she put the book out there so that this would come to light.
JAYE: So that we would figure it out? Naya Rivera, if you see this video, thank you. We understood your signals.
JAYE: And we are here to spread your word.
ROBERT: Bye everybody!