Resource Document

Birth Pie

“Birth Pie” is a metaphor that is used to sweeten the challenging paradigm shift for new mentors. It helps us to think about what we choose to include and exclude, prioritize and de-emphasize, when we talk about birth with parents. We generally don’t share this framework for parents; it is a resource for us as mentors.

“Birth Pie” is made, baked, and served up by anybody who teaches  parents about childbirth—teachers, mentors, doulas, film-makers,  grandparents, writers—and you.  

Your personal recipe for “Birth Pie” includes the following ingredients:  

Roll out the buttery crust: this includes the container of all your own experiences and  beliefs, including your birth wounds and your birth pride.

Dump in 4 cups of mixed sweet-and-sour “should-berries.” These are your rules about birth, babies, hospitals, pain, the partner’s role, the doctor’s role, drugs and so on -- the things that you believe should and should not happen in birth.

Add 1 heaping cup of what you think is empowering during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum.

Sprinkle in a pinch of salt. These are cautionary tales of what parents need to avoid so they can make the right choices and avoid failure.

Toss in some attention-getting spices. These are catchy teaching cliches and implied promises. For instance: “Birth is normal,” “Bodies are made to give birth” -- with the implication that these things are always true, every time.

Sprinkle some conciliatory powdered sugar on top. These are things you do and say, in order to avoid conflict and so that people will like you.

Picture a slice of “Fantasy Birth Pie” being served to parents

When we present only one aspect of birth, or a small range of possibilities, then  we are serving up a thin slice of pie: a narrow point of view about what birth “is” or “should” be. For trusting parents, who are in their innocent or child archetypes, it represents their hopes or even a promise of what childbirth and postpartum will be.

A narrow slice of Fantasy Birth Pie does not begin to include all the ingredients  that make up birth and postpartum for millions of birth givers; it does not represent the full continuum of possibilities. While the positive intention may be to  empower, the outcome can often be disempowering, because it offers such a narrow understanding of what birth may be.  

Consider how it may inadvertently set the stage for emotional birth trauma,  blame of self and others, and a lack of self-confidence. The positive intention is to empower, yet the outcome can often be disempowering.  

When a pregnant person is served a small slice of pie, these are some likely outcomes:

A. If they are fortunate enough to have the desired or idealized birth and  postpartum experience you promoted, they will be grateful to you for your “recipe,” and beam with pride. Believing they have the “secret recipe,” they pass it on to others, usually dogmatically or proudly. They may not understand or have compassion for others who have struggled.

B. If the birth falls outside what your narrow slice of pie promoted, or if their experience contains ingredients and flavors not included in your Birth Pie recipe, they may:  

 • think that you failed to prepare them adequately;  

 • feel abandoned or betrayed by their body, partner, care provider, and/or belief system.  

• believe that their own weakness is to blame for the difficult birth.

• think they did not “eat enough pie,” i.e., did not believe strongly enough, or did not do something enough (e.g., yoga, affirmations, research,  meditation, healthful diet, etc.).  

Parents who are new to birth and wanting to do it right often become “received knowers.” That means they perceive you as the expert, and they put  absolute faith in your “birth pie recipe.” What you say is often taken as the only truth.

Exercises for personal awareness

Reflect on your personal Birth Pie “recipe” that you’ve been following. You can identify your ingredients by noticing:  

• Favorite sayings or cliches you say or have on posters, t-shirts, or bumper stickers.  

• Subjects you avoid talking about or preparing parents for.  

• The three or four things you always want to teach parents to do! Clue: when a parent mentions they are not leaning towards one of these favorites, you may feel your heart or breath speed up or become irregular. Then you try to find your conciliatory powdered sugar voice as you give in to the reflexive urge to “educate” them immediately so that they will know to make  a different choice.  

• Embedded promises linked to judgments, e.g., “Birthing without drugs is empowering; you really find out how strong you are.” Can you hear the implication that if a birthing person uses drugs, they will not be empowered, or may find out how weak they are?  

• The covert and overt messages conveyed in the videos and other resources you choose to show parents.