The Members of Satire - Fall 2018

Catch-22 - Hellerious Biographies

Sarah Garman Rohr

Sarah Garman Rohr is, by far, the most favored unfavored child in the Rohr household. Her parents adore her willingness to get things done without asking. Every morning, her parents yell at her to make her bed, repeatedly, until the task is complete. Sarah Garman is also a perfectionist who needs things done a little too perfectly. This is why Sarah Garman undertakes all group projects by herself in order for them to be equivalent to her standards. Due to her perfectionism, Sarah Garman has always received one hundred percent of the percent she has earned on an assessment. Along with Sarah Garman’s perfectionism, she is a conscientious stress-case that cries way too often about the unimportant things in life. Sarah Garman often finds herself in her bed relaxing; however, this relaxation is immediately interrupted when she starts stressing about not stressing about something. To make Sarah Garman’s stressful life less stressful, her parents blessed her with a complicated name that no one seems to understand. Two names, divided with a space, and used as a first name is a concept that no individual can wrap their head around. Sarah Garman is often called ‘Anne Gorman’. This change in identity stresses Anne Gorman out as she frantically tries to decide whether or not to correct the person. Seven times out of ten, “Anne Gorman” suffices, which is why all of eighth grade her history teacher called her “Anne.” When Anne Gorman isn’t hanging out alone with her many friends, you can find her in the library productively getting nothing accomplished.

Walker Miller

Walker is a graceful young woman who never fails to trip over her own feet at the worst possible times. Her long limbs help her inadequately reach objects on high shelves. She is a smart intellect who fails every class she takes while trying her hardest to pass. She exercises good health by eating three doughnuts, seven Skittles, and a bowl of ice cream every morning for breakfast. Her amazing singing will just about blow you away with how excruciatingly painful it is for your ears. Multitasking is another one of Walker’s fine traits that she can accomplish easily, as long as she’s not doing another activity at the same time. Walker has a warm personality that most friends describe as bitter, yet mosquitos find her the sweetest. She is a mellow person who always happens to laugh uncontrollably in uncomfortable situations.

Mary Pollard

Mary Pollard is a pessimistic optimist so that she can say “called it” to any situation that comes her way. When strangers ask about her age, they will often argue that she is, in fact, much younger than she says she is, which makes her question if her parents have been lying to her all along. She always believes what her parents say and constantly tries to find indescrepencies in their sayings to prove that they are saying what they mean to say. Whenever asked about her hobbies, she includes photography, because she owns a camera and occasionally uses it. She loves sunsets, and one of her favorite activities is staring at the sun for hours until it finally sets. She is the most truthful liar around and believes in a moral high ground, which means that she must constantly pick out fights to defend that belief. She is confident, sweet, and trusts those around her until they give her a reason not to, which makes her overthink until she has spent multiple hours disregarding other life activities in order to focus on why her friend texted back in five minutes instead of immediately (Was she too passive aggressive with the smiley faces? See how it spirals??) Math is her favorite subject in school, and she always dreads class because she finds math utterly boring. Mary likes to complete school assignments half way because two halves make a whole, so ultimately the grades balance out.

Charles Armstrong

Charles is a square-looking human whose resemblance to a Flintstone is uncanny. His haircut makes him look like a muffin that bullies people to compensate for the emptiness inside. His lack of interest in extracurriculars drive him to play as many sports as possible, and his many sports cause him to lose interest in anything that is worthwhile. His ability to procrastinate is so astonishingly bad that he had no other option but to take a fifth year of high school. Most days Charles spends his time playing video games or eating food; anything to keep away from the homework that is due. The fact that he has even given this assignment an attempt is surprising. On the weekends, you can find Charles sleeping. That’s it. Overall, Charles is a meathead with very little interest in anything other than getting by in his classes, and who has no interesting talents or skills whatsoever.

Cate Hill

Cate is one of nicest, most caring people you will ever meet! She will never say anything mean to your face, because she only talks bad about you behind your back. Cate isn’t really into sports, so she only plays soccer, track, and volleyball. Her loud mouth and aggressive personality even earned her the name “Chill” on her soccer team. Cate is such a savage, untamable rule breaker that she has never received a single demerit, speeding ticket, or any punishment, for that matter, in her entire life. Her friends, of which she has only two, are worried about her, because yesterday she only smiled 23 out of 24 hours in the day.  Cate doesn’t enjoy watching much tv, so she limits herself to an insufficient amount of 17 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy each night before going to bed. If you don’t count ice cream, cake, and candy, Cate is actually an exceptionally healthy eater! In conclusion, Cate is a tremendously interesting person that you would utterly despise being friends with, because her life is so bland and uneventful.

Matthew Van Winkle

Matthew Van Winkle’s remarkable height was only matched by his diminutive figure. People often remarked on his impressive knowledge of the English language, as he would regularly use words such as very, huge, and good. His burning desire to become a well-rounded, athletic student was only matched by his commitment to lie in bed and read all day.  Matthew was constantly attempting to be witty, but wit was the one thing that outwitted Matthew. This caused Matthew’s fervent belief that being witty was a waste of time and something nobody should ever attempt. “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”(1.3.55-81-That play, you know, the “To be or not to be” one). In conclusion, Matthew is a well-known, outspoken, popular kid who people can barely remember seeing, much less hearing.

Lilly Hall

Lilly Hall is the biggest try-hard you’ve ever met, but for some reason always seems to “half-ass” everything. Her confidence is way higher than it should be, because she is “unsatisfactory,” as many of her report cards said in Lower School. She acquired her hubris by peaking in Middle School. Lilly loved being the 10-year-old gymnast that could impress just about anyone on the playground, so much so that she decided to quit gymnasts. She quit with the aspiring goal of actually having a social life; however, this goal is still pending due to the fact that she plays for a lacrosse team based out of DC, which takes away all her newfound, devoted freetime. All throughout Lilly’s life, her identity has been based around being Caroline Hall’s sister. She has mastered the act of responding to “Caroline’s sister” and often doesn’t respond if someone actually is addressing her by her name. In fact, she tries so hard to not live in her sister’s shadow that she decided to do the exact same sports as her sister, but only to perform worse in all four. Lilly’s biggest attribute is being Caroline’s sister. She is constantly approached about Caroline’s accomplishments and how amazing she is, so it only seems fitting that Lilly’s biography be based on the fact that her sister is superior to her and there’s nothing she can do about it. If you want to read something actually interesting, go look up Caroline.

Anika Prakash

Looks brown, smells like curry; it must be Anika Prakash. Anika lives up to the Indian stereotype by hating spicy food and having no intention of becoming of a doctor. She is the star of the Prakash family with her Honor Council Chair, Valedictorian, Ivy League-attending, Medical Student, Tennis Captain, National AP scholar brother Hans living in her shadow. Surprisingly enough, Anika is also Kenyan, but don’t tell anyone; she doesn’t want to confuse the people of the extremely diverse community at Collegiate. Like most daughters of Republican Party members, she is a bleeding-heart liberal. Every morning, Anika reads The New York Times about issues like the rising income gap, while sipping a $30 Starbucks Venti Strawberry Acai Refresher (without strawberries or acai) in the comfort of her West End home. On the way to Ginger Juice after a cycling class (yet refusing to ride an actual bike), Anika hops into her SUV that takes an average of 5 mpg, complaining about how the government isn’t doing enough to combat climate change. While Anika is not protesting gun rights with her sign “Let gun safety be your target,” you can find her skeet shooting with her sister at The Homestead.

Cody Patterson

Cody is a 205-lbs. gorilla who participates in playing the wrong sport. He keeps using the same half-hearted excuse to avoid another knee injury to cover up the truth that he is as soft as a teddy bear. Cody is also an Army brat who refuses to go by his first name Benjamin, due to all the jokes about having Benjamin Button’s disease. But, in fact, Cody has the aches and pains of an 89-year-old man, and that man lives inside that 18-year-old boy. Cody is constantly ridiculed about being the son a of colonel because his friends believe he can shoot a gun or has killed someone, when, in fact, he has only shot a crossbow, and he has only killed fish while fishing. In fact, he is 4-for-7 in fishing, since the fishies escaped his shiny, cute, harmless hook. His friends think he owns the codes to the nuclear football, but he keeps telling everyone he does not play football, and his first car is not a tank; it is only a puny Honda Civic that can barely fit his hippopotamus-sized body, and if he misses a day of school then his friends think World War III has begun, and he left his friends to die while he was safe in a bunker somewhere unknown (this might or might not be true). Cody is tall but short, fluffy but strong, smart but naive, handsome but ugly, and he is a cocoa-colored bum who enjoys a good argument but is afraid of confrontation.

Annie Davenport

Annie Davenport is a fun girl who sits at home contemplating her life choices every day. She never stops eating, although she somehow does not gain as much weight as she should for how much she eats. Annie is the most popular person at school, with a whopping three friends, and she never leaves her house. She is always happy and always crying. Always being in the spotlight, no one ever notices her. All anyone really knows is that she wears the same five articles of clothing every day and has two pairs of shoes. She is the prettiest person at Collegiate, and no one else would agree. She is not funny but always tries way too hard to be. The only time she can get someone to laugh is by doing something stupid. Which happens a lot. She spends way too much time with her cats, as they are her only friends. Even they don’t like her very much. Even though she hates everything, she is always having a good time.

Owen Riddle

Owen Riddle is an absolutely stunning human specimen whose features closely follow those of Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and actor Matt Damon, an opinion held by no one but himself. Owen’s confidence, cockiness, and witty humor make up for his questionable academic skills and slightly above average athletic talents. While Owen compares his future career ambitions to that of a wealthy stockbroker, others say, “That’s going to be Owen in thirty years” when pointing to a big-boned gentleman. Owen has been a large boy since birth due to his grandma suggesting that every meal be from the extremely health-conscious chain Bob Evans, and, by God, at eight years old he ordered chocolate milk, “Turkey Lurkey” (turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, carrots all smothered in gravy) along with pre-meal heapings of banana bread. Owen’s home life consists of getting worse grades than his sister and spending every dollar he earns on worthless “necessities,” such as Just For Men facial hair dye, a portable hammock, and an Arnold Palmer flag.

Jack Lenz

Jack Lenz is a frail child who eats like a morbidly obese starving child. He likes to procrastinate in order to get everything that needs to get done, done. There is no one better than Jack Lenz at achieving mediocrity at anything and anything. His biggest strength is being able to get out of any consequences by ignoring them. He does not like being told what to do but fails to do anything without explicit directions. His favorite things to do are: not homework, go to college, and do absolutely nothing productive in his free time. Jack Lenz does not like getting in trouble, but he’s really really good at it. In summary, Jack Lenz is the most “meh” of a human being there is.

George Ahearn

George Ahearn is the most average-sized midget you will ever meet. Staggering at a mediocre 5’8”, everyone thinks he is the smallest person in his grade. He tries his best to look like a typical freshman every day by rocking his braces and extra-small clothes. He loves to go home every day and immediately get his homework done, watching youtube for a substantial four hours before even looking to see what he has due tomorrow. He is a straight A student who always settles for Bs, as he has great motivation to always strive for mediocrity. He adores being compared to his overachieving sister, who settles for nothing less than perfection, and he cannot wait to be a disappointment when he is the only one in his family who manages to not make it into the only college option for Collegiate students, UVA. He finds himself always looking for things to do by sleeping until 1 p.m. and sitting on his couch until it is absolutely necessary to get up. He loves to spend time outdoors, whether it is sleeping, playing Playstation, watching tv, or sleeping. His involvement in extracurricular activities is outstanding, as he truly participates in no clubs, two sports, and never does anything more than the requirement. George is interesting but has no interests, smart but lacks common sense; an underachieving average student who thinks he has a hard life but manages to face no important issues.

Jonah Joseph

Jonah Joseph is the most unfunny person you will ever meet, and he will never fail to make you laugh. He has his father’s hair and his mother’s eyes… in a shoebox on his bookshelf. Jonah could not read well, and came from a long line of alliterate people, from his unfortunately-named great-grandfather Joseph Joseph, to his grandfather Jay Joseph, to his aunt Jackie Joseph, to his father Jon Joseph, and lastly, to the outcast of the family, his mother Susan Wysoki. His parents got a divorce when he was young, most likely because of his mother’s failure to meet the alphabetical requirements of the Joseph clan. Jonah has the most Christian features of any of his Jewish friends, and the most Jewish features of any of his Christian friends. Jonah identifies as an atheist until it comes to missing class for Jewish holidays, in which case he is Reformed, which means he only goes to temple during the high holidays and only keeps kosher never. He had the largest heart of anyone I knew. He never volunteered or donated anything; he just happens to suffer from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a genetic disorder that caused his heart to grow at an abnormally high rate. He is, quite frankly, the least attractive good looking person you’ve ever seen, and is too lazy to ever finish his homewor

Lucy Thornton

Lucy Thornton is an extrovert if there ever was one. Hiding in her room for 16 out of 24 hours every day, she is capable of sweating buckets when forced to communicate with anyone outside of her circle of friends. As an attention whore, she craves everyone’s constant validation while also nearly hissing at passersby who glance her way. She loves the spotlight. Her hair is constantly dyed some kind of bright color, which puts all eyes on her. This makes her shrivel up like a salted snail on the inside, but somehow she is always willing to talk to the creepy dads who ask her why she doesn’t just leave it natural. She’s a hopeless romantic who is terrified of commitment. She sobs at Gavin vines and about how cute kids are so much so that the thought of having one just makes her nervous ad nauseum. Her constant apathetic state thinly veils her crippling fear of death, even though it’s the one release she looks forward to.

Ayinde Budd

Iyinday Bud? Ayenda Buda? Andy Bundy? Ayundai Bhud? How do you spell/pronounce this kid’s name? He’s every substitute teacher’s nightmare. People believe that he is just a quiet, moody, reserved, and outright disrespectful human being, but, on the contrary they are very strongly mistaken. In actuality, the main reason Ayinde does not normally talk to other people is because he does not enjoy to waste his precious breath on those he considers irrelevant. It's not him, it’s you. Hence, he would rather talk to people who should have graduated, since they understand his pain and sorrows.

Mr. Svab

Mr. Svab was a blindingly handsome man of minimal attractiveness. He was one of the funniest people on campus whose students never laughed at his jokes. His desire to lose weight was only tempered by his ability to eat 27 Krispy Kreme icing-filled, chocolate-covered glazed doughnuts in one sitting. He was always trying to get healthier by playing tennis with Dr. Thornton, whom he idolized. Dr. Thornton despised Mr. Svab’s idolatry, and Mr. Svab hated him for it. Mr. Svab’s resemblance to Tom Hanks was confounding to the students, 47% of whom thought he was Tom Hanks, and 13 of whom had never heard of Tom Hanks. He was a pessimistic, misanthroyg pic, emotional shell of a man who strongly believed in the possibilities of humanity and the humble glory of teaching the nation’s youth. His ability to teach English was improved by his complete misunderstanding of basic grammar rules and where, to place a, comma. He was, in short, a confused, exhausted, corpulent, gloomy, distrustful, cynical, glass-half-empty teacher of unknown Communist origin who swore allegiance only to himself. He was the most visible of teachers on campus, since most students had no idea who he was.