A heart in the trans flag colors, but it’s been broken and damaged and is held together by bangages
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something every trans person has to deal with, all these little things that add up in ways cis people likely don’t even realize. It’s death by a thousand cuts with TRANS MICROAGGRESSIONS.
Cis folks, this one is again largely directed at you. So please read and try to understand. Please share this with other cis folks, because you can have a greater impact on them than I can. And this is one of those things we need to change.
If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of microaggressions, they’re small comments usually made offhand, and usually without any ill intent. But due to unfamiliarity with the marginalized community they’re being said to, they end up being hurtful.
But Tilly, how can that be? Listen, it’s confusing, right? If you’re not intending to be hurtful or biased toward a marginalized community, how can it happen? Well let me direct you to the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA.
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And this happens even with parts of our own identities, as you can learn about in the trans tuesday on INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.
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All of us, by “virtue” of being raised in a white, non-disabled, cisgender, heterosexual society have these biases implanted in us without our knowledge. Also see the trans tuesday on GENDERED CHILDHOODS for more examples.
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And I’d be remiss if I did not mention that any trans person who faces more than one societal marginalization has to deal with compounding microaggressions, which makes things even harder. See the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY for more on that.
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So let’s talk about some incredibly common trans microaggressions, so you have an idea of what we’re talking about and, if you’re cis, what NOT to say to trans people.
The most common one I personally received, especially in the early days after coming out, was “welcome to being a woman!” And it universally came from cis women, and it was in response to me talking about something I was dealing with.
“My bra is uncomfortable.” welcome to being a woman!
“Gosh the women’s bathroom line is long.” Welcome To Being A Woman!
“I experienced misogyny.” WELCOME TO BEING A WOMAN!
It came as a response to ANYTHING remotely about BEING a woman in society. And what’s so bad about that, you ask? Well, first of all, being a woman WAS NOT NEW FOR ME. I’ve been a woman since I was born, but I had junk that made a doctor decide I had to be a man.
I’ve said it a hundred times before, if you’re trans you’ve always been trans. Even if you weren’t transitioning, even if you weren’t out, even if you didn’t KNOW. Nothing can just MAKE someone trans, just like nothing is going to make trans people suddenly cis.
Yes, it’s true, conversion therapy doesn’t work… for sexuality OR gender, and it’s because these are internal parts of WHO WE ARE, not choices we make. We can choose to transition or not, but we don’t choose to be trans.
Just because you didn’t KNOW I was a woman doesn’t mean I wasn’t one. I wasn’t dressing as a woman, I wasn’t experiencing the same discrimination as a woman, but I was ABSOLUTELY experiencing discrimination trying to be a gender non-conforming boy/man.
And when I say gender non-conforming there, I don’t mean in clothes or presentation. I tried. I tried so hard to be the dude society said I had to be. But I never ACTED like a dude. I never THOUGHT like a dude.
And when cis boys and men see another (perceived) cis boy or man not thinking or acting as they have been taught that men “should,” they will one hundred percent punish you for it, in a wide variety of ways. Cis gay men know this all too well.
So getting back to microaggressions, what the particular “welcome to being a woman” was implying was “oh, this is all new for you because you just became a woman,” which in a roundabout way denies the incredible struggle I went through.
It ignores that I’ve ALWAYS been a woman. It ignores the reality of my life. It implies I have APPROPRIATED womanhood that does not belong to me, rather than embraced the womanhood THAT WAS ALWAYS RIGHTFULLY MINE.
If it was one person who said it, not that big of a deal. You roll your eyes and move on. But that’s why microaggressions are the death of a thousand cuts, right? One cut isn’t a huge deal. But a thousand at once? Now you’ve got a serious problem.
So when a dozen cis women level that on you in the span of a month, especially right after coming out, you feel wounded and hurt and unwelcome and like you’ll never really belong or be accepted by cis women.
And after a lifetime of battling the pain and misery of dysphoria, to finally be on the journey to being who you always were inside, to have THAT dropped on you is extra horrible.
I’m well acquainted with how uncomfortable bras can sometimes be, and women’s bathroom lines, and misogyny. I HAVE BEEN A WOMAN MY WHOLE LIFE. Do not welcome me to the thing I’ve always been as if it was a choice I just made and not a lifetime of struggle.
If you need more on just how awful that can be, see the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.
Hopefully you’re now getting an idea of just how bad microaggressions can be, and how they add up to a big problem. Now imagine you’re not just getting the WELCOME TO BEING A WOMAN microaggression… but that and a dozen more.
Here’s some other common ones:
ACCIDENTAL MISGENDERING - we all slip up sometimes, but when it KEEPS happening from multiple people, that wound goes deep. See the trans tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
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ACCIDENTAL DEADNAMING - exactly like accidental misgendering, accidents happen and nobody is perfect. But a lot of them can add up to feeling like NO ONE sees you as the real you. See the trans tuesday on NAMES AND PRONOUNS.
YOU’RE A MAN NOW, ENJOY MALE PRIVILEGE! - trans men have ALWAYS been men, and they do NOT experience male privilege the same way cis men do.
YOU’RE A WOMAN NOW, HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP MALE PRIVILEGE? - trans women have ALWAYS been women, and do NOT experience male privilege the way cis men do.
HOW CAN YOU BE A MAN AND A WOMAN, OR NEITHER? - questions about “how” our very identities can be a thing that exists, and how that’s just so unfathomable to you, a cis person
ARE YOU GETTING “THE SURGERY” - do not ask us about our genitals, what is wrong with you, you entire gas station hot dog? Do you ask cis people about their genitals???
RECOILING IN HORROR WHEN YOU LEARN WHAT “THE SURGERY” IS - super great that life-saving medical care some trans people need grosses you out, thanks so much!
YOUR LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL PEOPLE - cis people aren’t “normal”! Please please please see the trans tuesday on CIS IS NOT A SLUR (aka there is no default human)
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WHY MAKE LIFE SO HARD FOR YOURSELF? - good lord, tell me you have absolutely no idea how bad dysphoria is without telling me you have absolutely no idea how bad dysphoria is. Also! Y’know who makes existing as trans hard? CIS PEOPLE. Maybe talk to them about that.
CAN’T YOU JUST BE A LESBIAN OR A GAY MAN - y’know what, not all of us are gay! And don’t you think we WOULD spare ourselves a life of discrimination and difficulty if we COULD? Also! See the trans tuesday on DISENTANGLING SEXUALITY FROM TRANSNESS.
WHEN DID YOU DECIDE YOU WERE TRANS? - when did you decide that you were cis? Or was that just something you intrinsically knew?
IF YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE TRANS I’D NEVER HAVE KNOWN - what this is doing is saying “you look like a cis person, and that is good and desirable! If you ‘looked’ trans I would have already known and that would be bad for you.”
YOU’RE PRETTY FOR A TRANS PERSON - why, because being trans usually makes us ugly? C’mon now.
YOU DON’T NEED SURGERY/HRT, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL - it is not, Not, NOT about how YOU think we look or need to be. It’s about US and what we NEED to be our true selves.
YOU WERE SO PRETTY/HANDSOME BEFORE TRANSITION - it is not, Not, NOT about how YOU think we look or need to be! It’s about US and seeing OURSELVES in the mirror.
I’M NOT TRANSPHOBIC, I JUST THINK (REPEATS TRANSPHOBIC PROPAGANDA) - this one feels pretty self-explanatory!
WHAT’S YOUR “REAL” NAME - our REAL names are WHAT WE TELL YOU THEY ARE, regardless of what government documents may say. Asking this means you think what a government paper says is more important than our actual truth.
WHAT ARE YOUR “PREFERRED” PRONOUNS - there is no PREFERENCE for our pronouns. “What are your pronouns?” is the way to ask. Saying they’re a “preference” implies they’re not our real pronouns.
DANCING AROUND OUR PRONOUNS - rather than using our pronouns, you contort your sentences to just never use them, or overly use our name, or default to “they/them” for everyone (which is still misgendering people who use she/her and he/him). Just ask for our pronouns!
I HATE MY BODY TOO BUT I DON’T NEED SURGERY - body dysmorphia or a poor body image are big issues in our society, but THEY ARE NOT COMPARABLE TO BEING TRANS. Equating the two minimizes the pain of dysphoria.
I CAN’T IMAGINE WANTING TO CHANGE MY BODY IN SUCH DRASTIC WAYS - this others us, or implies surgeries we need are elective. Also, please see the trans tuesday on CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO.
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I HATE MY PHOTOS TOO - not liking your photos is not the same thing as the pain they can cause trans people, and equating the two minimizes the pain of dysphoria. See the trans tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - this is ignoring every single nonbinary person by default. Humans are more than just ladies and men! And when you open anything with this, you are instantly making nonbinary folks feel unwelcome. Use “friends.” or “fellow humans.” or “foolish mortals!”
THIS IS FOR ALL FEMALE-IDENTIFYING (OR MALE-IDENTIFYING) FOLKS - this one feels like it’s not so bad, right? The intent is clearly to make trans people feel like they are included.
But what it’s implying is that trans people self-identify as their gender, not ARE their gender. Because you don’t call just cis women FEMALE-IDENTIFYING, do you? This one is easy to fix though. Because did you know… “trans” isn’t a bad word?
You can just say “this event is for cis men and trans men,” or “trans and cis women welcome.” then you’re conveying the exact same information, but not implying that our genders aren’t real, or are somehow less than the gender of our cis counterparts.
This is not an all-inclusive list. There are many, many more ways microaggressions can happen. And again, almost all are unintentional. They usually come from a place of ignorance about what trans people go through, rather than a place of maliciousness.
But imagine what getting a dozen of these a day would do. Now imagine getting a dozen of these a day EVERY day, because for a lot of us we’re the only trans person that many cis people know (see the trans tuesday on that, too)
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And then imagine on top of that all the other microaggressions someone might face for other marginalizations that they experience. The cumulative effect can hurt, destroy mental health, and make life miserable.
Hopefully, from the examples I provided, you will be able to spot OTHER things you might say without thinking that could harm someone. And listen, you don’t need to walk around eggshells around us or anything.
I’m just asking you to PLEASE think before you say something that might be horribly damaging to whoever you’re talking to. And if you slip up (it happens to all of us, we’re human), don’t underestimate how healing a genuine apology can be.
None of us are perfect. But we’ve all got to do the work to do as little harm to each other as possible. We’re all trying to get through this life together, and we’re all we’ve got.
Please always begin with compassion.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.