Putting the ”N” in News
Spring FLING! April, 2019
Huzzahs and Harrumphs
By Dresden O’Leary
In searching for something interesting to write about that will provide meaningful distraction from your everyday lives, while still being light enough to enjoy at the tavern I have come across a new format I want to try in the Kazoo. It will
show the balance in life, by showing a positive for every negative. Lords and Ladies, I present: Huzzahs and Harrumphs.
and warmer weather
Harrumph: The fires have been extinguished at the castle
because the powers that be have determined it's too warm
for fire. Castles are drafty damn it!
Huzzah!: there’s more time to do things now that there’s more daylight!
Harrumph: There’s more time for Lord Syruss to make us
do things during the day.
Huzzah!: Tax season came and went, and I got a nice big
refund check from my job as editor of the kazoo, and as
Neden’s press secretary
Harrumph: Strangely enough, there was a tax labeled ‘Secretary of press tax’ that seems to only have been
levied against me
Huzzah!: “The tax was only 99% of my refund. I got some kickass gum!”
Harrumph: “Lord Syruss ate my kickass gum…”
Huzzah!: “Naj’s portals are becoming getting more
physically stable with each passing day, now I can get to
where I’m trying to go 4 out of every 5 times!
Harrumph!: In becoming more physically stable, the portals
have become more emotionally unstable. They now shout at
me about not paying enough attention to them, and complain that they are ‘too fat’ and will ‘never amount to anything”
Huzzah!: Neden easter brought the great Easter Egg hunt
Harrumph: The Castle now smells of rotten eggs, because after spending twenty minutes, most of us gave up looking.
That’s it for the first edition of Huzzah’s and harrumphs! If you have a HUZZAH or HARRUMPH of your own, that you would like to see featured in an issue of the Kazoo, Send me a raven!
I Can't Even
by Madame Zarine
It's spring! The birds are chirping, the snow is melting, the temperatures are climbing, and the mud is all over my foyer. Seriously plebs, why is it so difficult to wipe your damn filthy feet? And do not offer to take your shoes off, you all know my feelings about that particular 'kindness'.
I have many avenues available for you to remove the offending earth from your extremities. I have multiple ugly metal boot scrapers at every entrance of my establishment. For some reason all of the children of my employees keep coming home from school having made them. I previously had asked our local school to teach fashion and etiquette to the children, and I was assured that there is not enough time in the day nor money in the budget for such frivolity. Apparently making boot scrapers that no one ever uses is a far better use of their limited hours and money. I can't use one child's and not anothers so I have quite the abundance of them. If you can't use them to save my floors, could you at least use them to save the children's self esteem? They literally cry because you don't use them. Literally. I have seen it. It's quite sad. You're making children cry, for goodness sake!
Since the boot scrapers go unused, I purchased some very expensive rugs that are supposedly meant to trap all manner of dirt in them. They are fancy, beautiful rugs, because who wants a nasty looking welcome mat? It's the first impression of your home or business, it should be warm and welcoming. Apparently, they are too nice and people don't want to step on them, so I replaced them with dull, ordinary ones thinking that might do the trick. To my utter shock, you all seem petrified to step on them. I thought the game was 'the floor is lava', not 'the rug is lava'. I have literally watched folks side step them, jump over them, tip toe across them, etc.
Step on them. Stomp on them. Wipe your feet across them in multiple directions. Jump up and down. Go back out and use the boot scraper again, come back in, and repeat the whole process until no more dirt comes out. When the rug gets too dirty, I assume it will get laundered or thrown away or something. I probably learned about that when I had my recent 'Pleb' lesson, maybe.
If visiting someone who doesn't accommodate your foot cleaning needs quite so well, you can still make at least a modicum of effort to wipe your feet. Use a rock or something. Or some moss if necessary. Just don't track the outside to the inside. There is a reason that these words are opposites.
I literally can't even believe that I am explaining to denizens of the civilized world how to use a boot scraper and a carpet, yet here we are. Get better soon people. Not that I think you are sick, just that I think you can do better, and I'd appreciate you doing it promptly.
‘N’ Local News
From the Lords Desk
“The Daily life of a Neden Boy”
By Lord Syruss O’Leary
Man, my life sure has changed since I left my friends and family in Grimloch to help my brother Nymbous in giving Neden’s image an overhaul. They were always a band of rogues and hooligans but now they are so much more.
In the years I served as Nymbous number 2 and now as I serve Neden as their lord I have had the pleasure of seeing new business, new towns, and new people making roots here in my new home. With them comes new trades, jobs, culture, art and treasures that add to our already rich tapestry which is Neden.
To get a real feel of how a Neden boy spends there days I followed along Cabby as he navigated his Karts through the small towns in Neden.
****the Crack of Noon***
Me: Hi Buddy
Cabby: Ahhhhhh what are you doing in my room!!!
Me:I am your shadow today just go about your business and act as if I am not here!
Cabby looks at me nervously then gets out of bed, much to my chagrin he was in the buff so I avert my eyes while he gets ready.
He makes his way to the restroom for what i considered to be an unhealthy amount of time (17 minutes)
We then slugged our way to the kitchen. Cabby ate some leftovers from the night before. He had Sir Naj port him some Tenguenese delicacies.
After we hopped in his Kart and started out to Shady Falls to get some early morning commuter fairs. We picked up a couple of Cougars right away...I was impressed because they were like mad and really hungry. But Cabby just muscled them in his car and got them back to the Zoo...What were you expecting?
After that, we pick up a nice old lady, Grandma Tsunade. She was on her way to meet her grandson for some Neden Ramen Noodles.
I was shocked to see the hustle and bustle of Shady Town. Not too long ago, this was just a vacation spot for "the Lord's Retreat", Nymbous's premiere Neden Retirement home. Now we are seeing more and more small business pop up and new denizens settling in our rich and magical lands.
We swung by the Neden Kazoo to pick a paper hot off the press and because I think Cabby was looking for other means of employment. I have no idea why he wouldn't want to kart around Neden's finest especially after Karaoke night or one of Gumbo's famous chili cook-offs.
We picked up John Baptise on his way to Tavern Town to visit the Neden Forge to get his Cleaver sharpened. I was tempted to start following him along but he had a look in his eye that told me I was better off not knowing what he does with his free time.
After that, we swung by Sir Dith's Martial Art Academy for Neden's wayward kids. This is truly a great program getting kids off the streets and keeping them from Gambling and partying too early in life. Although I am sure the Church of Shadow would like us to let them be indoctrinated in the prestigious ways of hold em, some of life's pleasures are better saved for when you are older.
Cabby was starting to get hungry for Dinner so we stopped by Gumbo's Chilly Shack for some Soup and a Sandwich. Meatball Baptise was busy helping Gumbo separate the sentient meat from the edible meat.
Going through Tavern Town it amazed me that this was once just open land in front of the Castle. The castle once had the biggest front yard but now it is filled with small huts and shops and smiling faces of people trying to make their own way in the crazy life. New neighbors are always welcomed, it is through new people that we get to experience other cultures art, food and drink. We here in Neden truly appreciate the finer things in life. We pick up several more fairs looking to get south back toward Shady Falls.
As traveled away from the castle back down towards Neden Lake we heard a few explosions coming from one of Naj's Mage Towers. There he and Priest Z are constantly working on configuring new spells and experimenting on weird artifacts that seem to just appear in Neden.
Once we get to the Lake we meet up with my Squire who was just finishing up a new boat and wanted us to go on its inaugural voyage out in the lake.
Cabby, Darkin and I grabbed a Barrel of O'Leary Elixir (some of Neden's finest cider) and set sail across the beautiful blue lake. It was here we spent the remainder of our day together. Drinking and taking in the amazing sunset as it slowly disappeared beyond our borders.
I learned a lot in my day with Cabby. I learned that a Neden boy can spend the day doing nothing if they are not motivated to stay busy, I learned the Neden can be hard workers despite my history with them telling me otherwise. I got familiar with the Land I love and the land I call home.
All in all, it was not a bad way to spend a day and it helped me get the writing assignment in for the Kazoo. So win-win.
I hope you all will join me next time when I turn Cabby's Kart service into Karting Karaoke.
Now Take those answers, and FIND THEM in this SPRING FLING WORDSEARCH!