THE ROLE OF HOPE IN SEX ADDICTION RECOVERY

Dr. William Bixler

Center for Emotional & Sexual Health

Cary, NC

www.drwilliambixler.com     919-466-0770    dr.william.bixler@gmail.com

The 14th century Italian poet, Dante, wrote an epic poem about heaven and hell entitled “The Divine Comedy.” In the poem he describes the gates of hell through which all the damned souls must pass. And above those gates is this ominous inscription: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

Many sex addicts, prior to beginning recovery, identify with the despair expressed in this inscription. Years of relentless acting-out, countless broken vows to stop, white-knuckling episodes always ending in failure—this is the addict’s personal hell. Is there a way out? The answer is a resounding “YES.”

The key to that way out is hope--hope can sponge away the inscription of despair etched in the addict’s heart. Genuine, healthy, nourishing hope is the antidote to sex addiction despair. Hope is not only possible, but essential to recovery. Without it the center cannot hold, everything falls apart.

There are numerous definitions of hope, but this is one that I like a lot. Hope is “a positive outlook based on an expectation that good can, and will, happen.” Let’s explore the meaning of hope more deeply, but first we need to be clear about what hope is not.

It is not wishful thinking, nor an expression of a desire over which we have no control. One can use the word “hope” in that way, e.g., “I hope I win the lottery,” or “I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.” That kind of hope can be pictured as a close-your-eyes-and-cross-your-fingers phenomenon. But the hope which fosters recovery is totally different.

Authentic hope is grounded in reality. That reality is that sex addicts can and do get better, sex addicts can and do live clean and sober lives, sex addicts can and do become different people. Another reality is that groups such as SAA are effective for those put their own will aside and invest fully in the 12 Step program. It is also a reality that sex addiction therapy with a trained specialist can be invaluable in helping addicts heal emotional wounds that have made them vulnerable to acting-out as a form of self-medication.

Hope looks forward expectantly. It does not see the past as determining the future. “What I was” does not determine “what I will be.” The number of sobriety failures cannot accurately predict whether recovery is possible. What can predict recovery is the degree of commitment the addict has toward the recovery process. Many addicts had previously failed countless times, but now are living sober and recovering lives as a result of having looked expectantly to what they could become, and investing fully in that expectation.

Hope is active, not passive. Hope has wings. It moves one to do the hard work, make the commitment needed, resolve to go all in. For example, If your sponsor recommends three meetings a week, but after two meetings you’re tired—you get up and go to that third meeting. If making a certain amends feels uncomfortable—you make the amends anyway. If your therapist asks you to talk about your painful childhood, but you’d rather not—you proceed to share that pain. Do what needs to be done, regardless, and results will follow.

Hope says, “I can,” not “I can’t.” There is a concept in psychology called “learned helplessness,” which is just what it sounds like. A person can continually generate helpless thoughts, such as “I can’t get better,” “This may work for others, but not me,” “My failures prove I’ll always be like this.” These thoughts repeated often enough create learned helplessness. If you believe you are helpless, you will act helplessly, which will look to you like “proof” that you are helpless, which then further reinforces helpless thinking. This vicious cycle is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. But hope feeds on the possible, hope believes it’s never too late to change. Hope roots out every thought and feeling that feeds learned helplessness.

One might ask about the difference between learned helplessness and accepting Step 1 of the 12 Steps, which states, “We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior . . .”? Learned helplessness leads to giving up, to an attitude of resignation. However, accepting that you are powerless means that you cannot get sober by willpower, that help comes from outside yourself, that recovery occurs in community and requires spiritual growth. Once an addict accepts his powerlessness over the addiction, then he can do the hard work of recovery, which includes eliminating all helplessness thinking.

Hope is communal. Dr. Shane Lopez notes that “hope is actually dependent on your social network.” It is not a solo endeavor but thrives in community. A community built on hope nurtures the hope of those who make up that community. When a newcomer joins a hopeful community, like SAA, the addict experiences acceptance and compassion, and is presented with a vision of what is possible—real recovery.  These communities foster hope in the previous hopeless.

Hope is contagious. One of the most powerful dynamics in a hopeful community is the contagion of hope. Being around hopeful people, hearing their hope-filled stories, can increase the hope of each community member.

Hope can be lent. When I have a first time sex addiction client who describes feeling hopeless about ever gaining sobriety I will tell him that it’s ok for him to not have much hope initially because he can “borrow some of mine, since I have enough hope for both of us.” Since hope is not like a literal cup of sugar that can be lent by a neighbor, what exactly does that mean? It means that messages to the addict are consistently and continually hope-filled. He is frequently reminded of others who also had been acting-out for years and felt just as hopeless, but are now leading clean, sober, recovering lives. He is often encouraged to remember that hard work and commitment do bring results. He is reminded to view slips and relapses as opportunities to learn what to do differently in the future to lessen or prevent recurrences. Small recovery steps are affirmed. A vision is set forth of recovery that is attractive and enticing. Responding to the addict in this way allows him to borrow hope if he cannot currently generate it on his own.

Hope is dynamic, not static. It would be great if hope had a perpetual upward trajectory, but this is not the case. Hope can ebb and flow. While it can certainly grow stronger over time, circumstances and situations may arise that can temporarily diminish hope. When that occurs, it is vital to connect strongly with one’s community, talk with others whose hope will be contagious, continue to work diligently on recovery and believe that damaged hope can be repaired.

The story of Pandora’s box is well known. One of the gods gives a box to Pandora cautioning her to never open it. Eventually her curiosity gets the better of her and she lifts the container lid. Out of the box fly all the troubles and pains of life--death, disease, suffering are released out into the world. This is the part of the story familiar to most people. But the ending of the tale is less well known. After all the evils have been loosed upon the world, the distraught Pandora notices one last moth-like creature flying from the box. She is terribly afraid, but finally musters the courage to speak to it and asks, “Who are you?” And a still, small voice answers, “I am hope.”

Sex addiction brings with it much pain, brokenness, loss, shame, sorrow. But in the midst of all this, listen to that quiet voice that says, “I am hope.” Listen and grasp on to that small creature—grasp on and never, never let go!