Lauren (00:30.925)

How did you know you were done having kids? Maybe you're not, or maybe you haven't decided. Today, we are gonna talk a little about what it was like to add child after child to our family, and when and why we called it quits.

Lauren (00:53.721)

Alright, let's talk about the first one, shall we? I think for us anyway, obviously, the first one was the easiest decision. It was the one, she was the one that we worked towards. We suffered from infertility and he was the one that I had surgery for and she was the one that I checked all the things to make sure the dates were all right and I went to the doctor all the time for. So yeah, she was the one that I worked for the most and the one that I knew that I wanted to have happen. How about you?

Ellyn (01:54.634)

Well, we intentionally and unintentionally waited five years to have our first baby. We were very unsettled when we got married. I was still on active duty. So obviously we weren't having a baby then. And then my husband was on active duty after I came off of active duty. And so he had another couple of years and we weren't in a place where we really wanted to start a family. And then he got out of the military and we were job searching and trying to trying to find the right place for ourselves and he was looking for jobs. And so it was just an extremely unsettled time in our lives and we didn't need to be adding more chaos to our current chaos. So We kind of put it off for a few years. We moved a lot and not just down the street. We moved whole states, many states away, first in one direction and then the other. And we were unsettled and it just wasn't a place to be adding kids at that time. And so after five years, he was in a place where we thought we were gonna stay. And so we decided to start trying to have kids and I thought we were going to have some infertility problems but we ended up not. It just, I really felt like it was just timing. It wasn't time yet. And then it was time. And almost as soon as we bought our first house, I got pregnant. And I just really felt like it was meant to be then. Our grandmother asked me every time I went home, so for five straight years, a couple of times a year, when are you guys going to have kids? She really, I loved her, but she really started to annoy me after a while. So finally I said to her, and I just put her off. And this is not a woman who liked to be put off. She liked to know what she liked to know. And she wasn't shy about asking over and over and over.

So finally I said to her, we're just having too much fun right now to have kids. She was so aghast. She was just appalled at me, which is what I was going for, because I wanted to annoy her, so she would stop asking. But yeah, she was horrified. But then we had babies and she was happy again.

Lauren (04:45.081)

Mm-hmm. She was ready for that. I'm glad. I think you took a lot of the pressure off me, but not all. That same grandmother also asked me constantly, because I say we had some fertility issues. It took us five years to have our first baby. And then five years before that, it was kind of the same as Ellen and Jason. We-

Ellyn (04:50.158)

She definitely was.

Lauren (05:15.509)

We're traveling all over. I got deployed and Steve was finishing his education. Like we just, we couldn't put a baby in the middle of that. I guess technically we could have, you know, if it happened, but, um, it would have been really, really hard. So we didn't. And then we still didn't for another long time. It seemed like a long time, but yeah.

That same grandma asked me and I told her, I was like, well, we're having a little trouble grandma. And she stopped asking.

Ellyn (05:56.91)

She was the kind of grandma who needed you to be blunt. Because she was a little blunt.

Lauren (06:01.585)

Yeah, she was blunt. Yeah.

Ellyn (06:09.518)

She was a good grandmother.

Lauren (06:11.425)

Best. The best.

Lauren (06:15.905)

So moving right along to the second and how that decision was made for us is, um, it wasn't, like he was, he was a total accident on, I didn't think it was going to be that easy. The second time, but apparently it was really, it was really easy. So when our baby, yeah, when our oldest was five months old, I actually when she was four months old, let me go back a little bit further. I had a waking dream that I was pregnant. So it was more it was almost like a daydream, but one that terrifies you. And I I was driving somewhere. I remember where I was on the road when this like occurred to me. What if I'm pregnant? Because I think I was a little bit late or something. I can't remember what made me go down this dark tunnel, but I was like, Oh my goodness, what am I going to do? And then I calculated how old my oldest would be. When the next one was born if I was pregnant and it was bad. It was really bad. And I, yeah. So, and then, you know, things straightened out and I was like, oh good, I'm not, it's okay. And then I got pregnant, like two weeks later. So then, you know, I got to live out my dream Yeah. And it was, it was terrifying. Cause like I said, my oldest was five months old when I found out I was pregnant with the next one. And it was, and it was really hard when they were, because my oldest was a slow walker. She just didn't want to. And so she was still not walking when he was born. So I remember in this house getting groceries and I would carry the biggest child up the stairs and then I would go back and get the car seat and carry the next child up the stairs. And then I would go back and get the groceries and carry it because our, our living space in this house is upstairs. So and that's two flights of stairs people of all that stuff. So it was it was pretty tough there for a little while. You know when your kids reach milestones, like now they can walk themselves up the stairs, now they can buckle up their own safety seat in the car? These are the milestones that I think as a parent I will remember for the rest of my life.

Ellyn (09:09.386)

Hahahaha

Lauren (09:36.93)

That's it.

Ellyn (09:38.071)

And now I can breathe.

Lauren (09:40.141)

Now all I have to do is carry the groceries up the stairs. No extra people need to be carried up the stairs.

Ellyn (09:50.461)

I'm sorry your daughter walked late, but your son walked early right So it was like once these milestones started happening they happened in quick succession

Lauren (09:57.881)

I know, it was all so exciting.

Lauren (10:05.649)

Yes, they did. It was pretty, like I said, it was a little bit hard there for a while, but then it also turned to the best thing because they were so close.  my daughter also delayed in speech because of my son, because he was born and it threw her little world into a tailspin, so she just didn't talk for a while and she started talking when he started talking. When he started talking, it was like goo gaga kind of talk. And when she started talking, it was like literature.

Ellyn (10:49.315)

Complete sentences on day three. Yep. I remember that. She knew what to do. She just wouldn't do it.

Lauren (10:50.373)

I was like, okay, yesterday you weren't talking. Yeah, exactly. So it worked out. Yep. She did not wish to do it.

Lauren (11:05.909)

But yeah, then they turned into best friends and playmates and it was, it was great. It is, it still is, it's still working out.

Ellyn (11:15.299)

Yeah, they still get along really well.

For us, we didn't really think about our older daughter being our last. In fact, we didn't think about anything. We just had another kid. My two older ones are 26 months apart. I had a little more spacing in there than Lauren did. My oldest was walking before our youngest was born. That was huge.

Lauren (11:44.735)

It is huge.

Ellyn (11:49.786)

when actually let me fast forward a little bit there when they were so my oldest was maybe three to my older daughter's 18 to two years you know around in there and she started talking and we could not understand a single thing this kid said. Nothing! she was she was using complete sentences and every word she uttered was

Lauren (12:10.997)

It was awesome.

Ellyn (12:19.182)

nonsense. My son understood her completely. He got everything she said and would say, oh she wants a banana, oh she wants, she needs to go use the bathroom, she needs a, I mean he understood her. It was amazing and I think it was just he was closer to her place so he knew what she was saying. It was something. So over time as she got older we really thought

Lauren (12:43.671)

It was really something. It was amazing.

Ellyn (12:49.786)

she was our last. We played with the idea of having another one, but again, for a little while there, our lives were kind of unsettled. We moved four states again because we didn't get enough of that before the kids were born, so we decided to pack everything up and move again. It was a lot harder with two kids, let me say. And then we decided we never want to do that again. But we, after a while, we decided that this was probably it. We were just going to have two kids and be happy with that. I mean, they're two pretty great kids. So we weren't upset with our decision. And then, moving on to the third, God dropped a baby in our laps. Well we became foster parents first. And if you want to hear more about that, there's an episode on that a few months ago, if you want to go back and listen to it. But we didn't set out in foster care to adopt, but when you do foster care, often you do end up adopting. And she fell into our laps. I met her under a pine tree out in front of our house and she just fit into our family so well. But along with that, she was also the hardest emotionally because we didn't know for 19 months or close to 19 months if we were going to be able to keep her. And I just, I watched.

Lauren (14:33.29)

loud keeper.

Ellyn (14:37.386)

Allowed to keep her? What did I say?

Lauren (14:38.365)

Yeah, you said be able to keep her, which is not, it wasn't you and Jason. It was the state that was running the show.

Ellyn (14:47.986)

okay, be allowed to keep her ear right. And it was heart-wrenching to watch my big kids get so attached to her and not know if she was staying, it was, that was a really tough time. Because on one hand, part of doing foster care is completely giving yourself, you are this little person's parent.

Lauren (15:02.06)

I know.

Ellyn (15:17.974)

But another part of you needs and wants to hold back because you want to guard your own heart. But that's not what you do. You do give yourself over completely. And so she was really hard emotionally on myself and my husband. I don't think that the big kids felt it so much because to them, I think they felt like she was staying from the beginning. But then we adopted her and she became ours. And she rounded our family so nicely and I now can't imagine her not having ever been in our family. It's like she's always been here. How about you guys?

Lauren (15:50.841)

Mm-hmm.

Lauren (16:00.573)

And I will say, I will say too that is a blessing for our family as well. And for me personally, something I always wanted to have was a baby at the same time as you, and we got that because our girls are our littlest are three weeks apart. So it's awesome. Every family reunion is amazing.

Ellyn (16:17.399)

We did.

Ellyn (16:23.022)

Yep. Heheheheh.

Ellyn (16:28.44)

It really is. And it would be if either of them hadn't joined the family, it would be weird because the youngest kid is so much younger than the bigger kids. And I mean, it's kind of that way in my family all the time, because there are 12 years between my older girl and my younger girl. But when we all get together, there's a place for everybody, you know, all the kids can pair off and have fun together. And it really is a blessing.

Lauren (17:01.835)

Yeah.

Ellyn (17:07.431)

Those little girls have so much fun together.

Lauren (17:09.197)

They do. And oh my goodness, they're so cute. Anyway we had a third baby because my husband really wanted to and he talked me into it. I think I would have been,I was going to say, I think I would have been happy with just the Irish twins that I already had, but I don't know how without this extra little person that we have now. She's not extra. She's wonderful. And I'm really glad that we have her.

Ellyn (17:53.415)

She's pretty special.

Lauren (17:54.781)

Yep, and it wasn't like I like I said, it wasn't an easy decision for me, but It was the right decision, definitely. I knew it was going to be our last baby. But still, when it was time for me to start getting rid of things like little teeny tiny clothes and all the little toys, it was still so heartbreaking. And even now I'm like, oh, might not hurt to have another baby. But yeah, I'm not having any more. Got rid of the clothes. So I can't.

Ellyn (18:42.046)

Nope, no more.

Lauren (18:46.625)

So what made and you kind of talked about this a little bit in the number two, we were talking about the second child, the decision kind of got made for you by circumstances with your middle child now, but your youngest then. What made you guys stop there?

Ellyn (19:17.23)

I joked at the time that we had a matched set, which if you saw my two older kids, you would understand what I mean. They look exactly like each other. They're like the male and female versions of each other. And they're a really nice mix of my husband and I, I think. They look like us. They look like each other. So I joked when they were little that we have a matched set. We don't really need any more. This is good. You know, we had one parent for each kid and it felt like we were good. And part of me did feel like, oh, well, maybe one more. But we talked about it and we had decided, you know, we just kind of decided that we didn't want to do it all over again. You know, our kids were getting a little bit older, they were in a few different things. And, looking back on it now, I'm like, well, those were silly reasons not to have another kid. Of course they were in things. And I mean now I look at it after having had a baby when I had a 12 and a 14 year old, and she was just along for the ride for everything. And if we'd had a third, that's what would have happened. But now looking back on it in my 40s, if we'd had a third, I don't know that we would have ever fostered. So my youngest probably would have never joined our family. She would have gone and joined some other family. And so I think it worked out for the absolute best. Even though that's not the way I saw it, because really we didn't go into foster care to adopt. We went in to help and to serve in our community and help get these kids back to their families, but if that's where they were supposed to go, we didn't go into it to adopt. But now looking back on it, adoption was the best thing that could have happened. It was perfect. And now I look at our family and like, look, she was just the right addition for us. We needed that.

Lauren (21:34.753)

Yep. And that's how I feel too. I, like we said before, it's just really nice to have the even number of, um, grandkids. And yeah, I just, I can't imagine life without her. I think we, we stopped after her because I was getting a little bit older. Here I am. I'm kind of decrepit for having babies over here. But I guess, I guess I could have had several more if I really went for it. But I, I look at

people that have a lot of kids that are in the same income bracket as us. And for one, I never look at them and think, oh, they shouldn't have had that many kids. I, I always think a hundred percent of the time, what would it be like to have that many kids and I always admire like the older ones are helping out and the younger ones are like they're their own clan. Everyone has someone to hang out with in those giant families and I do admire it. But then I also think about would I be able, would our kids be able to be in so many things? They wouldn't because I don't even know how I'm going to add one more person into the things, let alone, you know, another five. I definitely think three was a good place for us and the decision wasn't like, it wasn't a multiplication problem. It was just, it was time to stop having babies. So we did. And I don't think, I don't think anyone can tell you when you should stop.

Ellyn (23:39.87)

Right, agreed.

Lauren (23:41.079)

I feel like that's just a decision that every family needs to make or not make. Like you just let things go or we're not going to do it for a while. And then you just don't end up having anymore and the decision kind of gets made for you. It's just life intervenes really.

Ellyn (24:04.119)

Mm-hmm.

Ellyn (24:10.386)

Right. Yep. And I agree. I always admire big families because it looks like a fun place to be. I rarely see people who have large families look like they're not having a good time. I mean, obviously, every family doesn't have a good time 100% of the time or doesn't does have a good time 100% of the time. But overall looking at it, it looks like a fun place to be. And it you know, the kids generally get along and generally are well behaved in large families because they have to be they their parents have to make them mind and have to make them behave themselves because otherwise there's just chaos and I don't know. Like Lauren said I have always admired big families and would enjoyed that, I think, but I also think that my family is just the way it should be, right where it is.

Lauren (25:42.065)

Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Ellyn (25:45.578)

So it's like, it's twofold. I think that would have been good. I think I would have enjoyed that, but I'm also super happy where I am.

Lauren (25:51.517)

Yeah, definitely. Not having to have like some kind of supersized vehicle is nice too. Especially with the gas prices, the way they are right now.

Ellyn (25:59.462)

Definitely. When we go to our co-op, there are several families that are quite large. So when we go, there's like five or six of those super vans in our parking lot. It's like, oh, it's a meeting of the homeschoolers.

Lauren (26:20.67)

Yep, there we all are. The only place you can feel like a slouch with three kids is either at a homeschool co-op or church.

Lauren (26:32.805)

Everyone's got at least three, you know? I know. Love you guys.

Ellyn (26:36.778)

Right, that's like the minimum for membership.

Lauren (26:59.597)

Perfect

Ellyn (27:05.858)

 When you have your last baby is not always an easy choice to make, Honestly, we could never tell you when that should be, but we hope you enjoyed hearing our story today. Until next time.