Dear Liisphyra

Episode 5: Forget Me Not

Official Transcript

Written by Katie Siegel

[intro theme]

Liisphyra: Goooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra! My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it.

At the top of the show, I usually talk about the things that have been going on in my life, but...it’s been pretty quiet around the Towering Forest lately. Which can be nice–a little peace and quiet is never unwelcome.

But, y’know, sometimes you almost find yourself wishing for a snow golem or an early cupidsflight to shake things up. I mean, it’s nice to just spend the day reading, or taking a stroll to the market, or being with people you love, but, sometimes you’re suddenly hit with the realization that you’re a 176-year-old wood elf, still living with your moms in your childhood tree, and you’re just thinking, “O Namrys, what am I doing with my life? Am I on the right path?”

And of course she doesn’t reply, because she’s an elven goddess with leaves for hair and eyes that glow like the last ray of light before the sun disappears behind the treetops, who has much more important things to concern herself with than the quarter-life crisis of a radio show host.  

So yeah, nothing much going on around here.

Let’s jump into our first letter. This letter is from Orut, and I’m very excited about it, because it’s actually a correction!

Orut writes:

“Dear Liisphyra,

Hello! My name is Orut, and I love your show. However, I wanted to correct something you mentioned in your last episode. When replying to the letter from your brother, you mentioned how ogres consider uncovered feet a personal thing, and that an ogre would be put off if you took your shoes off in their home. While it’s true that there are some more traditional ogres who feel this way, there are many ogres who don’t believe so strongly in those older beliefs. I’m an ogre, and I grew up in a home where we had everyone take their footwear off before entering (my dad’s a huge neat freak).

Just wanted to share that, but I think your suggestion to just follow what your host does is great advice. Again, love the show!

Sincerely,

Orut.”

Orut, thank you so much for your kind words about the show, and thank you even more for the correction! I definitely don’t want to spread false information on this show, and, I try my best to make sure I’m educated about something before talking about it, but, I know I’m bound to make mistakes like anyone else, so I appreciate you sharing that with us. And I encourage anyone to write in if I ever say something incorrect or misleading. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to check myself to make sure I’m confident in my knowledge of a topic before talking about it. Thanks again!

Let’s do another letter. This letter is from Elaeon. They write:

“Dear Liisphyra,

My name’s Elaeon. I’m a minotaur (half man, half bull), and I’m currently living in my family’s ancestral home. Which is cool, because I have the whole place to myself and didn’t have to pay for it, but is also kind of a drag, because it’s a maze.

I don’t mean the house is so big it’s like a maze, I mean it is a genuine, ten-feet-underground labyrinth that covers about 30 acres. Well, not “cover,” because like I said, it’s underground. It was a fun place to grow up, but it’s become a bit tiring to live in. It’s way more space than I need, and at least once a week I have a stray hero or adventuring party stumbling in through one of the many entrances, looking for a beast in the center of the labyrinth, only to find me, in my kitchen, making eggs, wearing my “Kiss the Cook” apron.

I want to move out, but I really can’t afford to right now. I’ve tried to find a buyer for the labyrinth, but believe it or not, there aren’t a ton of people shopping on the underground labyrinth real estate market right now. Any advice? Do any of your listeners want to buy a labyrinth? Thanks in advance!

-Elaeon”

Elaeon, if I had the money, I would absolutely buy that labyrinth from you in a second! But you’re right, most of the people looking for homes right now are probably a bit more sensible in their shopping than I am, and probably aren’t interested in living in a labyrinth, no matter how cool it sounds.

But...a labyrinth would be a really cool place to stay for a short vacation, or maybe as a location for a party or some other event. Have you considered renting out your labyrinth? While it’d be difficult to find someone who’d want to live in one full-time, I’m sure there are a lot of people who’d be into the novelty of it. Not sure what you can do about the random adventurers getting in, but that could be a part of the charm, I guess…

Oh! That just gave me another idea! A couple episodes ago we spoke to Ura, who’s a professional damsel-in-distress. Her company sets up scenarios for heroes and adventurers-in-training to practice defeating monsters and rescuing people. I’m sure a maze would be an awesome location for them to use in their scenarios! You can see if they’d be interested in renting it, or even buying it from you. Then you can get a new place that’s maybe a little smaller...and, aboveground.

Hope that helps, thanks for writing in!

Okay, we’re gonna start taking calls in a minute. If you need some advice, just tell your speaking plant you wanna call Liisphyra, at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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Liisphyra:

Aaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra.  And if you’re just tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it. If you wanna call in to the show, just tell your speaking plant you wanna call Liisphyra at the Towering Forest Radio Station.

And we have our first caller–hello caller, you’re on the air!

Caller: Hello?

Liisphyra: Hello!

Caller: [confused] Hi...

Liisphyra: What’s your name?

Caller: I...don’t know.

Liisphyra: You don’t know your own name?

Caller: [realizing] No…

Liisphyra: That’s a bit concerning. Why did you call?

Caller: [hesitantly] I found a speaking sprout in my pocket and turned it on, and your voice came out of it, saying to tell your speaking plant to call Dear Liisphyra at the Towering Forest radio station, so...I did.

Liisphyra: Do you know where you are right now?

Caller: Uh...no.

Liisphyra: How you got there?

Caller: Also no.

Liisphyra: Okay...well, that’s okay. Can you tell me about your surroundings?

Caller: I’m in a house. It’s small, but it’s nice. Not really a fan of the molding–

Liisphyra: Maybe less specific than the molding, not sure what we’re gonna learn from that. Can you see outside?

Caller: Uh...yeah, yeah, there’s a window. Looks like a lot of trees. A forest. Not much else.

Liisphyra: Do you hear anyone in the house?

Caller: I don’t think so. It’s been a couple of minutes and I haven’t heard or seen anyone.

Liisphyra: What’s the first thing you can remember?

Caller: I was in the living room, sitting on the couch. And then I got up and walked into the kitchen.

Liisphyra: And you don’t remember anything before the living room?

Caller: Nope.

Liisphyra: Can you go back to the living room?

Caller: Sure. Uh, I remember the molding in the living room. Didn’t like that style, either. Okay, I’m here.

Liisphyra: Do you see any portraits or anything?

Caller: Uh...no, nothing.

Liisphyra: Strange.

Caller: Oh, weird.

Liisphyra: What is it?

Caller: There’s a crystal sitting on the couch. Oo, it’s heavy.

Liisphyra: What does it look like?

Caller: Mm...roughly fist-sized. Blueish-green. Spiky on one end, smooth on the other. I’ll put it in my pocket for safekeeping.

Liisphyra: Do you think this is your house?

Caller: I don’t know. I don’t remember it, but I don’t remember anything, so it’s possible.

Liisphyra: The reason I’m questioning it is...what do you think of the couch?

Caller: The couch?

Liisphyra: Yeah, like, the design.

Caller: I don’t love it. Kind of a tacky print.

Liisphyra: You don’t like the moldings, you don’t like the couch–

Caller: Wallpaper isn’t great–

Liisphyra: –don’t like the wallpaper, it’s all just making me think that this might not be your house. Unless you live with someone who made all the design choices, but, if that’s the case, where are they? How long have you been there? And why can’t you remember anything?

[silence]

Liisphyra: (cont.) Hello? Caller?

Caller: Hello?

Liisphyra: Oh, thought I lost you for a second.

Caller: Who is this?

Liisphyra: What?

Caller: Who’s speaking?

Liisphyra: It’s Liisphyra. You called me.

Caller: Sorry I...I don’t remember.

Liisphyra: Who you are, I know, that’s what we’re trying to figure out.

Caller: No...well, yes, I don’t actually know who I am, now that you mention it. But I also don’t remember calling you.

[silence]

Liisphyra: Oh.

Caller: Sorry, did you say your name was Liisphyra?

Liisphyra: Yes.

Caller: Do you know my name?

Liisphyra: No. No, when you called me, you couldn’t remember. We’ve been trying to figure out where you are.

Caller: Oh, I can tell you that. It looks like a living room. Ugly wallpaper.

Liisphyra: Yeah, we covered that. We also covered the crystal in your pocket.

Caller: The crystal in my–oh, there’s a crystal in my pocket!

Liisphyra: [gasps] What if the crystal is what made you lose your memory again? Put it down, drop it!

Caller: Oh, okay, dropping it.

Liisphyra: Maybe just, get away from the crystal.

Caller: Okay, I’m leaving the room.

Liisphyra: Do you see any portraits in the next room?

Caller: No. I’m in a hallway right now. Nothing on the walls.

Liisphyra: Okay. What do we know? You don’t remember your name or how you got here, you don’t recognize anything in the house and, based on your distaste for the decorative choices made by the owner of the house, you probably don’t live there. There’s a crystal that may or may not be contributing to your memory loss, which seems to have reset somehow, maybe after coming into contact with the crystal.

Caller: ...and there are tools in my other pocket.

Liisphyra: And there are tools in–wait, what?

Caller: There are tools in my other pocket.

Liisphyra: What kind of tools?

Caller: Uh...they all have this thick part, for gripping, I think, and then different types of thinner ends. One’s kind of zig-zaggy, another is straight with a curve at the end…

Liisphyra: Huh. Do you have anything else on you?

Caller: Um...oh, yeah. [crinkle of paper] Uh, looks like a hand-drawn map of a forest. It–it shows how to get to a house that’s in the middle of all the trees.

Liisphyra: Do you think it’s a map to get to the house you’re in?

Caller: Am I in a forest?

Liisphyra: Yes.

Caller: Oh! Then yes, that makes sense.

Liisphyra: So you have a map that shows you how to get to this house and tools in your pocket. Plus there was the crystal that was sitting on the couch. And last time you said the last thing you remembered was sitting on the couch. So...what if you put the crystal down on the couch, and then it reset your memory, and you left for the kitchen, forgetting it was there?

But why would you have brought the crystal to this house? Unless you didn’t bring it to the house. Unless the crystal was already here, and you came here to…[gasps] the tools!

Caller: What?

Liisphyra: Uh...can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Caller: Sure.

Liisphyra: How do you feel about theft?

Caller: Um...well, I don’t think it’s good, generally.

Liisphyra: Hm. Okay.

Caller: Sorry, who is this?

Liisphyra: Oh, no.

Caller: Hi Ono, sorry, I seem to be a little turned around…

Liisphyra: Your memory reset again? So I guess it wasn’t the crystal.

Caller: There are crystals here.

Liisphyra: Yeah, I know–wait, crystals? Plural?

Caller: Yeah, in this room.

Liisphyra: Can you describe the room?

Caller: Mm, it’s small. There’s a large table in the middle, with a bunch of crystals mounted on stands. There is a skylight in the middle of the ceiling. Ugly molding on the walls.

Liisphyra: Yeah, I could’ve guessed that last one. How many crystals are there?

Caller: Um…[mumbles as they count] 12? No, 11. One of the stands is empty.

Liisphyra: That’s probably the crystal downstairs.

Caller: Hm. Look at that...

Liisphyra: Don’t touch any of the crystals!

Caller: Oh, okay...voice in my speaking sprout.

Liisphyra: My name’s Liisphyra.

Caller: Oh, hi Liisphyra! I’ll make sure to remember that.

Liisphyra: Bet you won’t. What else did you see?

Caller: The stands have little plaques on them. Looks like the name of the crystal and a description.

Liisphyra: What does it say on the plaque of the empty one?

[loud bang]

Caller: Oh!

Liisphyra: What was that?

Caller: It was just a tree branch hitting the skylight. Oh, am I in a forest?

Liisphyra: Okay, focus up. The plaque?

Caller: Oh, right. Uh...it says, “Crystal of the Basalkers: Curse-breaking crystal. Taken from the Pimeot family.”

Liisphyra: Taken? Hm. That doesn’t sound good.

Caller: Looks like all of these crystals were “taken” from one place or another.

[loud bang]

Caller: (cont.) [gasps] Just the branch again. Can I leave this room? Every time that branch hits, I almost send half the crystals flying.

Liisphyra: Yeah, sure. Okay, so I thought maybe the greenish-blue crystal was some sort of memory-loss crystal, but I guess that was the Crystal of the Basalkers. Maybe you should go get it.

Caller: Get what?

Liisphyra: The–oh, right, you don’t remember. Uh, in the living room? There should be a crystal on the couch. Or on the floor, I don’t know. I told you to drop it, not sure how seriously you took me.

Caller: In the...oh, this looks like a living room. And…[gasps] oh, there is a crystal on the couch. Should I pick it up?

Liisphyra: Yes, I think it’s fine. Hey, I just realized, I might have a book on whatever these crystals are, hang on. [voice grows distant] If they’re important enough for someone to want to collect–and for someone to want to steal–then maybe they’re in one of my reference books.

Caller: Is someone trying to steal these crystals?

Liisphyra: [still distant] Uh...maybe. I don’t know for sure. Unrelated, would you guess that those tools in your pocket could be lockpicking tools?

Caller: Tools in my–? Oh, I have tools in my pocket. Uh...sure, I’d say these could be used to pick locks.

Liisphyra: [back] Okay, found a book on crystals.

Caller: [distracted] What else is in my pockets?

Liisphyra: A hand drawn map.

Caller: Wow, you’re good.

Liisphyra: I had some practice. It’s a map of the forest that shows how to get to this house.

Caller: Oh, yeah. “For Elwin Pimeot.”

Liisphyra: Yeah–wait, what did you say?

[silence]

Liisphyra: Caller, what did you just say?

Caller: Hello?

Liisphyra: [groans in frustration]

Caller: Are you okay?

Liisphyra: Yeah…

Caller: Oh, good. Um, okay, this might be a weird question, but–

Liisphyra: Do I know who you are? Nope, working on it. Are you holding a map right now?

Caller: [surprised] Oh. I am.

Liisphyra: Is there anything else on that paper other than the map?

Caller: Uh...yeah. It says, “For Elwin Pimeot” on the back.

Liisphyra: Pimeot...that was the name on the plaque for the Crystal of the Basalkers. The family it said the crystal was taken from. So...hey, caller?

[silence]

Liisphyra: Oh, no, already? Again?

Caller: Oh, sorry, were you talking to me? Am I “caller”?

Liisphyra: [sighs] Yeah. Though I’m thinking you might actually be Elwin Pimeot. I asked you earlier how you feel about theft, and you said, “You don’t think it’s good, generally.”

Caller: I’ll take your word for it.

Liisphyra: Do you know why you would’ve added “generally” to the end?

Caller: Um...I don’t know, I guess there are some instances where, if someone took something that didn’t belong to them, it’d be okay to steal it back.

Liisphyra: Hm. Okay, okay, I think we’re getting somewhere. So, let’s say you’re Elwin Pimeot. Someone stole the Crystal of the Basalkers from your family for their crystal collection.

Caller: Oh, I have a crystal, I’m holding one! Does that help?

Liisphyra: Uh...yeah. That’s really helpful, thanks. So anyway, you get someone to draw you a map to show you how to get to this person’s house. You get lockpicking tools and find the house. You break in, find the crystal... [groans] but that still doesn’t explain why you’re losing your memory every few minutes! Oh, I forgot to check the book. Hang tight, Elwin.

Caller: Is that my name? Have we landed on Elwin?

Liisphyra: It’s a working theory, so, up to you.

Caller: I like Elwin.

Liisphyra: Well, after the molding and the couch and the wallpapers, finally we’ve found something you like.

Caller: Oh, yeah, this couch is terrible.

Liisphyra: Okay, I found the Crystal of the Basalkers. Oh, it’s a part of a trio of magic crystals that were mined from the Peaks of Peregor. The Crystal of the Basalkers, which is the curse-breaking crystal,  the Crystal of the Clymins, which is the crystal of flight, and…oh.

Caller: What?

Liisphyra: Can you go back to the crystal room?

Caller: The…

Liisphyra: Oh, Namrys alive, I keep forgetting, sorry. Uh, out in the hallway? There’s another room that has a bunch of crystals in it.

Caller: Okay, hang on.

Liisphyra: [sneezes] I’ve really gotta dust out these reference books sometime. [sniffs] Oof.

Caller: Found the room.

Liisphyra: Great. Okay, don’t touch anything. Do you see a deep red crystal? The plaque would say “Crystal of the Telhé.”

Caller: Uh...nope. No red crystals here.

Liisphyra: What? That doesn’t make sense…

[loud bang]

Caller: Ah! Oh, it was just–

Liisphyra: The branch hitting the skylight, I know. Wait. You said when the branch hits, you almost send half the crystals flying. Elwin! Check the floor! Under the table, anywhere else in the room. We’re looking for a red crystal and a stand.

Caller: Okay, looking, looking...oh, hang on.

Liisphyra: Wait, don’t touch it. Did you find it? Don’t touch it!

Caller: Sorry, what? Who is this?

Liisphyra: GAHHH. We were so close! Hello, my name is Liisphyra, your name is Elwin Pimeot, maybe, you broke into this house to retrieve a magic crystal that was stolen from your family. You found the crystal, but a tree branch hit the skylight–

[loud bang]

Caller: [gasps]

Liisphyra: –like that, surprising you and causing you to hit another crystal and knock it off the table. That was the Crystal of the Telhé, the crystal of forgetting. When you came into contact with that crystal, it made it so that you lost your memories, and are continuing to re-lose them every few minutes. Are you holding that crystal now?

Caller: This dark red crystal?

Liisphyra: Yes.

Caller: Yes.

Liisphyra: Drop it!

Caller: Oh, okay, dropping it.

Liisphyra: I’m reading more about the crystals now...you still have the Crystal of the Basalkers, right?

Caller: This blueish-green crystal?

Liisphyra: Yes.

Caller: Yeah. Should I drop it too?

Liisphyra: No, I think we can actually use this one. See, the Crystal of Telhé cursed you with memory loss, but the Crystal of the Basalkers is meant to break curses. Can you hold the crystal to your forehead?

Caller: Okay…

Liisphyra: Anything?

[silence]

Liisphyra: (cont.) Oh come on, we’re so close. Elwin!

Caller: Eirwyn.

Liisphyra: What?

Caller: Elwin’s my older sister. My name’s Eirwyn.

Liisphyra: Do you...do you remember? Are you remembering?

Eirwyn: Yeah...yeah, I’m remembering…

Liisphyra: It worked! The crystal worked! Woohoo!

Eirwyn: [slowly remembering] I...I was supposed to be watching our shop. That’s where we had the family crystal on display. I...I went into the back room but forgot to lock the door. When I went back out, the crystal was gone.

Liisphyra: Why did the map have your sister’s name on it?

Eirwyn: [still slowly remembering] She was gonna take care of it. She found out about a wizard collecting crystals, and got someone to draw a map to their house in the forest. But it was my mistake. I had to fix it. So I took the map and left. I got to the house, picked the lock, found the crystal room, and...yeah, everything you said before. Tree branch hit, I knocked over the memory loss crystal, wandered downstairs, called you...and you were there for the rest.

Liisphyra: Well...I’m glad you have your memory back. Now I think it’s best you get out of that house with your crystal.

Eirwyn: Yeah, I’m– [pause] [whispers] Hang on.

Liisphyra: What?

Eirwyn: [whispers] I think the front door just opened.

Liisphyra: [whispers] Oh no.

Eirwyn: [whispers]  What do I do? This room doesn’t have any windows. Other than the skylight, but I can’t reach that.

Liisphyra: [gasps] [whispers] The third crystal! Eirwyn, do you see a crystal that’s clear with silvery veins running through it?

Eirwyn: [whispers]  Uh...yeah, yeah, I see it.

Liisphyra: [whispers]  That’s the Crystal of the Clymins, the crystal of flight. Pick it up and see if you can fly up to the skylight.

Eirwyn: [whispers]  Okay. Okay, I’m holding it. Nothing’s–[slightly louder] whoa!

Liisphyra: [whispers] Did it work?

Eirwyn: [whispers]  Yeah, I’m at the skylight. Just gotta open it...there. I’m out! [normal volume] I’m flying through the trees away from the house. I...I just realized I stole this flying crystal.

Liisphyra: Pretty sure whoever lived in that house stole all the crystals.

Eirwyn: I think you’re right. I’m gonna head home and get to work to bring that person to justice, and get all these crystals returned to their rightful owners.

Liisphyra: That’s fantastic! Just make sure you watch out for the red one next time.

Eirwyn: Absolutely.

Liisphyra: And please send me a letter when you have updates on the situation. Liisphyra Lyndambar at the Towering Forest Radio Station.

Eirwyn: I will. Thank you for your help, Liisphyra, thanks so much, I won’t forget this.

Liisphyra: As long as you stay away from any red crystals, I don’t think you will, either. Stay safe!

Eirwyn: Thanks, Liisphyra. Bye!

Liisphyra: Goodbye!

Wow! [exhales heavily] That was intense. Glad it all worked out. Ruvyn, are you sweating? Y–me too! Whew. I think I need to go lie down for an hour or two.

Thank you so much for listening to Dear Liisphyra. Next up, we have [shuffling papers] someone pacing back and forth across dead leaves for 58 minutes. Hm. Weird length of time. Feel like they could’ve gone another two minutes to make it an even hour, just, if they’d already gotten that far.

I hope to talk to you all again real soon, but until then, keep your chin up, and...don’t touch any strange crystals! Bye!

[outro theme]

Nicole:

Katie asked me to be more enthusiastic with this outro, so…[clears throat]

[same tone as always] Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra was voiced by Katie Siegel. The sponsor was voiced by Katie Siegel. Eirwyn was voiced by Jazmynn Perez. And I’m Nicole. Hi!

If you could leave a kind review for this podcast, you can do so on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will remember and cherish you forever.

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