Dear Liisphyra

Episode 29 (S3E8): Summonings and Banishments

Official Transcript

Written by Katie Siegel

Katie: Hi folks, quick cold open to say that the next episode is going to be the last episode of the season, for no good reason other than the fact that I want the overall episode numbers to start lining up with the season episode numbers again.

So, next episode will be episode 30, or Season 3, Episode 9, and then we’ll be off for two months and back in January for Episode 31, or, Season 4, Episode 1. Tales From Grevelon will be continuing during the Dear Liisphyra hiatus.

I know the last two seasons have ended with listener submissions, but since we just did listener submissions for episode 7, it felt too soon to do them again. But I promise I’ll try to squeeze in two listener submission opportunities for next season.

Thanks! Now onto the show.

[cheerful intro theme]

Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!

[sighs] Look, I really enjoy doing this show. It’s a lot of fun! I love giving advice, and hearing from folks all around Grevelon. But it is work, and everyone deserves a vacation from work. Which is why I gave a formal letter to our station manager, Ruvyn, requesting time off so I can take a vacation. He read the letter and told me that he’d get back to me.

Then I requested he tell me that in a formal letter because, y’know, I gave him a formal letter, feel like he should match my energy. So he wrote, “I’ll get back to you,” on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to me, which, like, fine, good enough.

Anyway, that was weeks ago. And he has not, formally or informally, gotten back to me.

I saw you glance over at me, Ruvyn, don’t pretend like you’re not listening. Ruvyn’s currently very engaged in some sort of logic puzzle over there. He keeps reorganizing these little slips of paper on his desk. He’ll move the papers around, reference a notebook, then shake his head and start moving the papers again. So he has time for that, but doesn’t have the time to approve my vacation time.

I don’t have anything specific I want to do on vacation. I might just stay home and catch up on my reading list. My to-read pile has gotten so high, my jeebler friend TJ knocked into it and sent the whole thing tumbling over, completely covering the floor of my bedroom with books.

Except for this one nonfiction book I got about how to be less of a klutz, which just kind of floated in the air. Apparently it has an anti-dropping charm cast on it. Which makes sense, considering the kind of people who are probably picking up that book. And…dropping it.

I was just talking to Purg from Purg’s Cricket Hour about his upcoming vacation. He’s traveling to the Hills of Longforn to attend the cricket symphony. You’d think that he might want to take a break from crickets while on vacation, but if I know one thing about Purg, it’s that he looooves crickets. I don’t actually know much else about Purg. I should talk to Purg more.

And Isolne from Elves by Themselves is also going on vacation soon! They’re going sailing up the North Iwern River to do some turtle-watching before visiting their cousin, who apparently lives at the bottom of a very deep well that can only be entered if you jump in with no fear. Oh, and, she has a pool!

I asked Isolne to bring me back a souvenir, since I don’t know when Ruvyn’s gonna let me go on vacation. Sinking lower into your chair doesn’t make you any less visible, Ruvyn. I’m not letting this go.

But I will put it on hold to give some advice. If you need some advice, you can send your letters to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.

[rustling papers] Our first letter comes from Takafen, who writes:

“Dear Liisphyra,

I recently joined a group that is dedicated to the pursuit of summoning the great demon…” [haltingly] “...Esgovevglor” [normal speed] “to our plane of existence. It’s been such a rewarding experience, and I’ve made a bunch of new friends who I immediately connected with and feel very close to.

The problem is, there’s one person in our group who just rubs me the wrong way. For example, the other day I suggested we surround the summoning pit with four giant bonfires, so…” [haltingly] “...Esgovevglor” [normal speed] “will feel more at home when they arrive, and won’t want to return to their realm. Then this person—I’ll call them Dahnly, because that’s their name—” Oh, okay, “—said that five is excessive, and we only need two.

And I’m just sitting here like, oh, I’m being excessive? I’m wasting resources? I thought we all wanted the best for Lord…” [a little less haltingly] “...Esgovevglor” [normal speed] “but sure, whatever, you know best, Dahnly.

During another meeting, I was prepping the ceremonial toothbrush, and Dahnly walked over, handed me a sharpening stone, and told me I might want to sharpen my knife because it looked kind of dull. As if I wasn’t doing a good enough job making sure the toothbrush was as pointy as…” [pause] “Esgovevglor’s razor-sharp talons.

Then they started quizzing me on my knowledge of” [small groan] [haltingly] “Esgovevglor,” [normal speed] “asking me stuff like, ‘What’s Esgovevglor’s greatest weakness,’ and, ‘Would you ever consider betraying Esgovevglor?’ I just don’t know why they’d imply that I’m not committed to the cause. Like, what did I ever do to them?

Yesterday was The Last Straw. That’s the ceremony where we all take turns pulling straws out of a bale of hay, and the person who pulls the final straw gets to be thrown into the summoning pit to retrieve Esgovevglor and lead them to our plane. After hours and hours of pulling, I had the honor of pulling the last straw.

Dahnly immediately jumped in and was like, ‘Takafen, you don’t have to do this. Let me do it. I’ll do it.’ Just so blatantly trying to take away my opportunity to have my mortal shell possessed by” [deep breath] “Esgovevglor until it burns in the demonic fire of their ascent to our plane. Like, can I not just have this one thing?

I’m really looking forward to this summoning, and I don’t want anything Dahnly says or does to ruin the day for me. What should I do?

Thanks,

Takafen”

Huh. Okay. Lots to unpack here.

Let’s focus on the main issue. Every interaction you’ve had with Dahnly rubs you the wrong way, because you’re interpreting their statements as belittling and questioning your judgment and loyalty.

But what if we looked at it from another angle? It kind of sounds to me like Dahnly might be having their doubts about this…summoning. Maybe they’re just a little scared. For example, suggesting two bonfires instead of five might not’ve been questioning your judgment, but was maybe them questioning whether you all actually want to bring a demon to our realm.

And, when they were asking you the questions about Es…Esgo…what was it? [rustling papers] Esgovevglor, maybe it wasn’t coming from a place of doubting you, but wanting to see if you have similar doubts and worries that they’ve been having.

And, when you drew the last straw, maybe Dahnly, who is questioning all of this and perhaps cares for you more than you think, wanted to spare you from sacrificing yourself to this demon.

This seems like something you’re very dedicated to, so, I don’t know if I can do anything to sway you away from it. But I’d encourage you to consider that maybe Dahnly is coming from a place of worry and compassion, instead of a place of snideness and judgment. And maybe you could bring yourself to talk to them and see where they’re coming from.

And, if you do want my opinion, maybe don’t summon a demon. Personally, I feel like…well, I wouldn’t do that. Y’know, it’s not too late to pivot into a…book club. Or like a…like a pie-tasting, pie-tasting club. You know, something fun that doesn’t involve summoning demons.

Hope that helps; thanks for writing in!

Hey, Ruvyn! Just checking in to see if you have any updates on when I can take my vacation! No? Not yet? That’s okay, I’ll check back in a bit. Real soon. Very soon. Figure it out.

[rustling papers] This next letter comes from Sejfeb, who writes:

“Dear Liisphyra,

I’m babysitting my nephew this week, and things have been going really well. His parents told me it’s hard to get him to go to sleep, but I’ve been making up this ongoing story for him every night, and he’s gotten so engaged that getting him to bed has been a breeze.

Here’s my issue: something strange is going on. For example, the protagonist in the story, Eiowan, has a green cat with yellow stripes. The morning after the first night I started telling the story, I went downstairs to find a green cat with yellow stripes curled up on the couch.

I chalked it up to a strange coincidence, picked up some cat food from the market, and continued the story to my nephew that night. The next day, I went to my tool shed to grab an ax, and found a giant sword sitting in my wheelbarrow. It had a big sapphire embedded in the hilt, exactly like I described Eiowan’s weapon in the story I’m telling my nephew.

This has gone on for a few more days; elements of my story appearing in my real life. Today I discovered I could jump to incredibly tall heights, something that I’ve never been able to do before. I used to have trouble just trying to hop over my front gate! But last night, I told my nephew about how Eiowan was able to hurdle a house in a single leap.

I’m writing to you because I’m getting a little nervous. I’ve been setting up this huge battle between Eiowan and the evil King Afbej, but now I’m worried I might actually have to fight someone in real life! The evil King Afbej is TERRIFYING. I can’t fight him! But I also don’t want to disappoint my nephew with a boring story ending.

I have him for another two weeks, so I’m going to try to draw the story out for as long as I can, without putting Eiowan into any danger. But how should I handle this ending?

Not Eiowan,

Sejfeb”

This is sooooo cool! Wow, I’m jealous. I don’t know how it’s happening, but telling a story that then comes to life? That’s incredible!

Okay, you say you’re not actually Eiowan, but it sounds like whatever magic is at work here is giving you all the abilities your hero needs to make them able to fight the evil king. And if all the other things you’ve made real through your story exist, why would the magic give you an Eiowan who’s incapable of winning this battle?

Assuming you end the story with Eiowan winning the battle, which, I don’t know why you wouldn’t do that. I mean, I’d understand why some authors might do that, but for your specific situation, I assume you’d want to make sure Eiowan wins the battle.

Basically, it’s your story. And the magic hasn’t let you down yet, so have fun with it! Give your hero a bunch more abilities! Give your villain a bunch of easily-exploitable weaknesses! If you end the story with Eiowan being victorious in battle, and the magic ends up putting you face-to-face with an actual evil king, I’m sure it’ll respect the story you’ve told, and make sure you’re capable of winning that fight.

But maybe also add a little resurrection potion to your story. Just in case.

Hope that helps; thanks for writing in!

We’re going to take a quick break to hear from a sponsor, and so I can pester Ruvyn more about when I can take my vacation. Then we’ll be back to take a call! If you need some advice, tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor. No, get back here, Ruvyn—

[cheering crowd]

Announcer 1: With almost no vines left to jump to, Vuidwog swings into the west quadrant—AND SHE MAKES THE GRAB!

Announcer 2: Wekjen has taken a nasty tumble after their vine was cut by Posslet…but they’re back on their feet! This is incredible!

Announcer 3: Waiting for a call from the referees now. They look like—and that’s four snaps for Efiil. Wronnen Efiil is out of the game. Looks like the Sundar Squirrels will have to power on without them.

Announcer 4: Jubenir sends the ball hurtling at the Firefrogs’ post—but Wekjen swings in for the interception! Namrys alive, what a save!

Announcer 5: This is The Towering Forest Firefrogs’ last shot at taking the game, it’s all down to this bonus swing. Afoimin jumps off the platform, swings…THEY DID IT. THE FIREFROGS PULL AHEAD, AND ARE GOING TO THE VINEBALL FINALS. What a performance from Afoimin! What a victory!

Sponsor: Get your tickets for the Vineball finals in C’ordall.

Liisphyra:

Aaaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. Despite some expert-level pestering on my part (I am a younger sister), Ruvyn continues to tell me to “check back later” regarding my vacation. And check back later I will.

But first, let’s take a call. Looks like we have a caller on the vine. Hello caller, you’re on the air.

Klaana: Get back! Shoo!

[door slam]

Klaana: Whew. Hello, Liisphyra?

Liisphyra: Hi there! Is everything okay?

Klaana: Yeah, I have things managed.

[thump]

Klaana: …for the time being.

Liisphyra: First off, what’s your name?

Klaana: My name’s Klaana. Love the show. Listen to it all the time.

Liisphyra: Oh, thanks for listening! How can I help you today?

Klaana: Do you know how to unbanish things?

Liisphyra: Un…unbanish?

Klaana: Yeah, like, you know how something can get magically banished to somewhere else? How would one go about unbanishing something?

Liisphyra: Did you accidentally banish something you didn’t mean to?

Klaana: No, it’s not that.

[thump]

Klaana: Oh, by the voice of—just a second, Liisphyra.

Liisphyra: Sure, yeah, take your time.

[scraping of something heavy being dragged across a floor]

Klaana: There. That should hold them off for a bit. Where was I?

Liisphyra: Why don’t you just tell me what’s going on?

Klaana: [sighs] It started last week. I was eating breakfast when suddenly a little mousnake just appeared on my kitchen table, grabbed my toast in its mouth, and slithered away.

Liisphyra: And when you say it appeared…

Klaana: Like, literally poofed in from thin air. Although, at the time, I figured I was just so invested in my breakfast that I didn’t notice it slither onto the table. I’ve been trying to practice mindful eating lately, y’know, paying attention to what I eat, taking careful bites…

Liisphyra: But other stuff has happened since then to make you realize something else was going on?

Klaana: Right. A day later, I opened my front door and a big purple jibleon ran out from inside and bolted away. We don’t have a lot of jibleon in Forgenne, so, it was strange.

Liisphyra: Plus, the purple ones don’t have the ability to teleport, so—

Klaana: Right! So how did it even get inside? Then, a little while later, I found a bright yellow sunhat sitting on the table.

Then, yesterday evening, this huge treefolk dropped down onto my kitchen table while I was washing dishes. Broke the table straight down the middle.

Liisphyra: Oh, dear!

Klaana: They were spittin’ mad, too. I thought they were gonna attack me for a moment, but once they took in their surroundings, they just growled something in Barkish and stormed out. And thank Yon for that, because I only had a casserole dish and a sponge to defend myself.

Liisphyra: So you think all these folks and creatures are being banished to your kitchen?

Klaana: I think so. I had a treefolk friend growing up, so I know a little Barkish, and I’m almost positive the angry treefolk said the word “banished.” It was either that or “leaky roof,” but my roof is pretty secure.

Liisphyra: So “banished” makes more sense.

Klaana: Yeah. But the final confirmation was about an hour ago today. I’d cleared the pieces of my kitchen table and replaced it with a bunch of pillows to soften the fall for anyone else who might pop in.

I was about to leave the house when this gnome with a bow landed on the pillows as they shot an arrow over my head. If I’d been wearing my platform shoes, I’d’ve been hydra feed.

Liisphyra: A great testimonial for thin-soled shoes.

Klaana: Once the gnome realized what had happened, they apologized. Then they went to dig the arrow out of my front door while explaining to me that they’d gotten into a fight with one of their adventuring buddies, who’s a wizard.

Apparently, the wizard recently got their hands on a scroll of banishment, and had started banishing anything they wanted to get rid of. Including, apparently, the gnome’s yellow sunhat, which the wizard claimed “distracted them from spellcasting.” The gnome was very happy to get the hat back.

Liisphyra: Awe, that’s nice. So the wizard banished the gnome during their fight?

Klaana: Yeah, so now the gnome is getting some friends together to get that banishment scroll and destroy it. They were really apologetic.

Liisphyra: Well, I had an idea for something that could help, but sounds like you don’t need any advice after all!

Klaana: No, not exactly. It’s going to take the gnome some time to gather their friends and head back to Poere, where the wizard is. And if the wizard leaves Poere, it’ll take even longer for the gnome to track them down. So it might be a while before the banishment scroll is destroyed.

Liisphyra: Ah, I see.

Klaana: So any advice for how to deal with this in the meantime? Should I just hope they don’t banish anything truly terrible? Should I just move? Should I renovate so that the kitchen is outside?

Liisphyra: Well, while an outdoor kitchen sounds lovely, my suggestion was portal mats. My best friend Raedra’s Aunt Valindra has a lot of enemies. At least, that’s what she tells us, but she won’t tell us why. Anyway, she has a portal mat at her front door, so if anyone shows up who she doesn’t want there, they get teleported to the other mat that she’s placed on the other side of the Towering Forest.

Klaana: Sort of like a banishment mat.

Liisphyra: Exactly! You can put one portal on your kitchen table—or, where your kitchen table used to be—and put the other one outside of your house, so anyone who gets banished to your kitchen will immediately get sent outside.

Klaana: That’s a great idea!

Liisphyra: I had another one, but it’s a little more difficult. You might be able to get a mage to cast some sort of spell reversal charm in your kitchen. Then, any spell that occurs in the room—like a banishment spell—will immediately get reversed. Which would send the banishee back to where they came from.

Klaana: You think they might send a banshee over?

Liisphyra: Oh no, not “banshee.” “Banishee.” Like, uh, the thing being banished.

Klaana: Oh, gotcha. That’s also a really good idea.

Liisphyra: With that, though, you wouldn’t be able to do any magic or have any magical stuff in your kitchen without it reversing.

Klaana: I can do without my enchanted eggbeater for a little while if it means keeping folks from dropping into my kitchen unannounced. I’m gonna try these out. Thanks for the advice, Liisphyra.

Liisphyra: Any time! If you decide to go the portal mat route, maybe put the other portal near a town sign, or a map. Just so the banished folks can figure out where they’ve ended up.

Klaana: I’ll do that.  

[thump]

Klaana: Uh oh. Forgot about that.

Liisphyra: What’s that?

Klaana: Just an angry swarm of frizzybees that got banished. I’ve got it handled. Thanks, Liisphyra. Bye!

Liisphyra: Oh, uh, good luck! Thanks for calling, bye!

That’s all for this episode of Dear Liisphyra. Next up we have…[rustling papers] “a collection of spoken word poetry about the feeling you get when you spill the food you were really looking forward to eating.”

I’ll talk to you all again real soon, but in the meantime, keep your chin up, and—HA. You thought I forgot, didn’t you, Ruvyn? I’m refusing to end the show until you tell me when I can—oh, that was easy, what’s this? [rustling paper] Liisteners, Ruvyn’s just handed me a piece of paper. [rustling paper] [mumbles to self while reading]

Hey, Ruvyn? I don’t know if I’m reading this correctly, but it appears to be a calendar showing all the other radio hosts on vacation except for me. This is—that’s correct? That’s a correct reading of this?

What about the substitute hosts? Wh—oh, there’s a back. [rustling paper] All the substitute hosts are on vacation, too? That’s what you’ve been doing over there this whole time, trying to figure out the schedule for when literally everyone except me is out on vacation!

[sighs] I gotta say, Ruvyn, this isn’t your best managerial work. Who’s gonna host all the shows while everyone’s out?

[pause]

[meekly] Who’s gonna host all the shows while everyone’s out, Ruvyn?

[pause]

Oh, Namrys.

[chill guitar outro theme]

Nicole: Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra, Klaana, and the sponsor were voiced by Katie Siegel. And I’m Nicole. Hi!

If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will banish herself to your doorstep to thank you personally.

For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also join The Chattering Grove discord. The link to that is in the description. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!