Rev. Cari Pattison
Woodstock Reformed Church
Sunday, June 30, 2024
“The Epic Saga of David, Part 4: To Find a True Friend”
The first scripture reading is from 1st Samuel, sections of chapter 17 and 18.
On David’s return from killing Goliath the Philistine, Abner took him and brought him before Saul… 58Saul said to him, “Whose son are you, young man?” And David answered, “I am the son of your servant Jesse.”
18:1When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan- Saul’s son- was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. 3Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. 4Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. 5David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him; as a result, Saul set him over the army. And all the people, even the servants of Saul, approved.
14David had success in all his undertakings; for the Lord was with him. 15When Saul saw that he had great success, he stood in awe of him. 16But all Israel and Judah loved David; for it was he who marched out and came in leading them.
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The second reading is from 2nd Samuel, chapter 1.
1After the death of Saul, when David had returned from defeating the Amalekites, David remained two days in Ziklag.
17David intoned this lamentation over Saul and his son Jonathan. He said: “Your glory, O Israel, lies slain upon your high places! How the mighty have fallen! 21You mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew or rain upon you, nor bounteous fields! 23Saul and Jonathan, beloved and lovely! In life and in death they were not divided; they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. Jonathan lies slain upon your high places. 26I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; greatly beloved were you to me; your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women. 27How the mighty have fallen, and the weapons of war perished!”
***
“A friend in need is a friend indeed…”
What makes for a true friend?
Introduce the story today… and its context in the greater story
***
“To have a friend, you have to be one”
Share results of the survey, of some 30 out of 40 or so people I reached out to this week-
By far the top things were these:
(In ascending order)
Dependability, reliability x4 being able to count on someone
Being there when it matters, there in times of need, there for you when you’re feeling down, shows up to help x5 Showing up in crisis- this is so key for me- literally anything works here: phone, visit, text, card, food. A task. Just show up. There in hard times.
Accepting, makes you feel seen and loved as your true authentic self, accepting of the real me, x5
Mutual support x5 – reciprocal, both sides are there for each other, support no matter where you are, sense of equity
Kindness x5
Non-judgmental (x5) *and*
Truth-telling x6. I will tell you the truth and still be there for you. Builds me up but can also be honest when needed. Giving thoughtful feedback or advice when asked. Knows when to challenge me if I’m not seeing things fairly. Constructive criticism / reflection. Cares enough to tell me when I’m going down the wrong path
Consistency- yes, this one is hard to practice sometimes, but so important. It comes up a lot here. This one gets a x6
Empathy, x8
Loyalty x11 – always on your side
Good sense of humor! This x15
An active listener, listens without judgment x17
Someone you can trust, x21 (honesty, confidentiality x3)
You could look at this list- and write notes down if you want- and give yourself a “friendship score,” of sorts. For me this was so helpful and illuminating- I want to post it on my fridge as a reminder, that even if I don’t do all the zillion things that I think I’m supposed to be doing as a friend- cards, gifts, hosting, etc. - these are the most important.
(List them again)
And to note down the people in my life I want to realize prioritize and show up for.
***
What Ronya said really struck me the most, especially given where she lives and works-
“What separates my 3 best friends from my other friends: they have made me pissed enough to cry, they have been relentless in trying to change my mind on something we disagreed on- and sometimes managed, they have called me to talk at an otherwise unacceptable time of day to talk and vice versa, they have abused my trust and I theirs- and we’ve had to earn it back from each other, they can pull me out of my own head, we tell each other frequently how much we love each other, they’re the people that I know without a shadow of doubt that we’ll always be friends no matter what.”
In other words, in the ones where we give and receive a 2nd chance, we get to try again… and that can make real friendships even deeper.
That has certainly been my experience.
***
What this is about, why it matters, how it helps us
Don’t date someone you wouldn’t be friends with. But another way of saying that is- pick for a partner- someone you really cherish as a friend!
Address a question from the text re: the nature of D & J’s friendship- was it a homoerotic love?
Give reasons why people have wondered this.
And I think there could be some basis for it.
But I also don’t know that that’s really the point, here.
I think the greater likelihood, given the context, is that they were two male friends in a time of the ANE when male friendship was allowed to express bonds of emotion and affection. I remember the first time I saw men holding hands in Kenya- and it stunned me at first.
Buechner’s point on this-
“It's sad that we live at a time when in many quarters two men can’t embrace or weep together or speak of loving one another without people making assumptions that they also sleep together.
And in the unlikely event that there was a sexual dimension to their friendship, it is significant that the only one to see it as shameful was King Saul- who was a manic depressive with homicidal tendencies and an eventual suicide.
Everywhere else in the book of Samuel it seems to be assumed that what was important about the relationship was not what may or may not have been its physical side but the affection, respect, and faithfulness that kept it alive through thick and thin until finally Jonathan was killed in battle and David rent his garments and wept over him.”
***
Being willing to give of yourself and risk for the other. At the very least, to give up time and be inconvenienced. When has a friend gone out of their way for you, and you for them? Reflect on some of the survey results.
To have a friend, you have to be one. Even if you’re shy and more introverted, it means initiating and inviting and hosting from time to time. Taking a risk. Not waiting for others to make the first move and welcome you. Like in church, for instance.
Proverbs verse- “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
Jesus- “greater love hath no man than this…”
***
This implies that you really do love your own soul, which isn’t always a given. Some so-called friendships are soul-crushing, and staying in them is not loving your soul. It’s not being a friend to someone, if your own soul isn’t being cared for. Friendship has mutuality and reciprocity.
Reflect on the two recent podcasts from “We can do hard things”
Jesus says- “no longer do I call you disciples, but I call you friends.”
Shannon and I on the porch this week- talking about wanting friends, and wanting to feel God with her in faith. I shared that I wanted that connection too!
The point of the 31 days of prayer- this is a tangible daily practice you can cultivate this month, to feel closer to God!
***
Giving people another chance at friendship-
Jesus asked for them to stand by his side, and they fell asleep.
Jesus asked for them to pray for him and keep watch, and one of his closest friends Peter denied even knowing him.
If you’ve been let down by a friend, he’s been there.
And if you’ve been the one to let a friend down, Peter’s been there.
The story of Peter on the beach
***
Maybe there is someone here like Peter today. Maybe you can’t give Jesus everything, but only something, and that’s enough for him. He can start with that. Jesus shows us what true love and loyalty are like.
In closing, I share with you a story some of you may have heard me share before. It’s about two soldiers during World War I, Jim and Bill, who served together month after month, living out their lives in the trenches.
Day after day they talked of life, family, dreams of what they would do- if and when they returned from the war.
During battle one day, Jim fell, severely wounded. Not realizing what had happened to his friend, Bill made it back to the relative safety of the trenches. Meanwhile, Jim lay suffering beneath the flares alone.
The shelling continued and the battle reached its peak. And between the trenches was no place to be, but they had been inseparable friends.
Turning to his commanding officer, Bill asked, “Sir, may I go and get him?” The officer strictly ordered him, “No! It’s way too dangerous. I could lose you both,” he said.
But as the officer turned his back, Bill went out anyway, ignoring the smell in the air, the succession of incoming rounds of fire. Ignoring even the pounding in his own chest, Bill finally reached his friend, terribly wounded and gasping for air.
Hoisting Jim on his shoulder, Bill staggered across the rocky terrain, and returned to the trenches, getting shot in the back and wounded in the process.
But when he got to camp, he set Jim down carefully on a cot and discovered he was already dead.
Bill faced the commanding officer. The captain shouted at him and said, “You fool! I told you not to go! See what a waste it was? He is already dead and now you could die too. It wasn’t worth it.”
But Bill said, “It was worth it.”
“Because when I got to Jim, he had only a few breaths left in him. He looked up at me and said, ‘Bill, I knew you would come. I knew you would come.’”
[pause]
Let us pray.
Jesus, no matter how far we’ve gone, you keep coming back for us. You see us as always worthy of being rescued. No matter how we fail You, you return to forgive us. No matter how paltry our efforts to love you, our attempt even to be your friend, you carry us, and feed us, and call us to go and do likewise. Show us how to be that kind of friend to you, to ourselves, and to the friends you bring into our lives. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.