Dear Liisphyra
Episode 19 (S2E9): Egg
Official Transcript
Written by Katie Siegel
[cheerful intro theme]
Liisphyra:
Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!
Okay, picture this: I’m at a vineball match with my best friend, Raedra. We have great seats, right in the middle of the stands. Sit too high and you’re always looking down, and sit too low you’re always looking up. Sitting in the middle, the players are right in our line of sight.
Raedra’s Aunt Valindra got us the tickets for Raedra’s birthday. I asked how she was able to get such great seats, and she just said that she knows someone who knows someone? Aunt Valinda knows a lot of people who know a lot of people. She knows someone who knows someone who has a supply of discontinued Sour Siren Sweets. She knows someone who knows someone who can stop door-to-door warlocks from coming to your tree.
You would think that some of Aunt Valinda’s immediate connections would be useful in some way, but, nope. All they do is know other people who have or do things.
Anyway, Aunt Valindra knew a person who knew a person, and that’s how Raedra and I ended up in two of the best seats at a professional vineball match. It was a home game for the Towering Forest Firefrogs, who we were rooting for, of course. They were playing the C’ordall Crystals, and–spoiler alert–the Firefrogs wiped the forest floor with them. Final score was…489.35 to 259.777, and the Firefrogs didn’t even get any vines cut!
During the breather after the third fifth of the game, Raedra was chosen to go onto the course and be in a contest! Actually, the random number they called out was my seat number, but as soon as we realized, we immediately switched seats before anyone noticed. We know our strengths.
So Raedra was told that she and two other contestants had to swing across the vines course. First person to reach the end would win. Someone blew a horn, and they were off.
One person immediately got left behind by Raedra and the other guy. It was looking like Raedra was about to pull ahead, when suddenly the other guy started to pick up speed. I couldn’t believe how fast he was going–he was barely touching the vines.
The guy made it to the end before Raedra. Everyone was cheering, and I was yelling to try to get Raedra’s attention, but she couldn’t hear me. So I borrowed a voice horn from someone sitting behind me, and yelled at Raedra to check the guy’s pockets. Finally, she heard me. While the guy was shaking hands with the contest’s organizer, Raedra slipped behind him and pulled an empty potion bottle out of his pocket. Sure enough, it was a levitation potion.
The guy was disqualified, and Raedra was announced as the real winner. And the prize was season tickets and box seats, so now I guess Aunt Valindra doesn’t need her someone who knows someone. [gasps] Now I guess she just knows someone!
Oh, I almost forgot. At the end of the game, I got to high-five the Firefrog mascot, Freddy the Firefrog. So, big day for everyone!
Anyway, let's get into some letters and give some advice. If you need some advice, send your letter to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.
[rustling paper] Our first letter is from Noten. Noten writes:
“Dear Liisphyra,
Recently, I moved out of my parents’ cave and got a place of my own with a roommate. I didn’t know this person very well–they’re a friend of a friend.”
Ah, another person who knows someone who knows someone.
“Before we agreed to move in together, they asked if it was okay that they have a pet. I figured they had a cat, or maybe a cute little bearbat. I had a bunch of bearbats as pets growing up, so I told them it was fine.
“When I showed up to our new place to move in, there was a bunch of fresh holes in the front lawn. This was odd, because they weren’t there when the realtor showed us the house. I quickly figured out that the holes were made by my roommate’s giant pet dabbleworm.
“Believe it or not, living with a pet dabbleworm is a lot different than living with pet bearbats. Rinxy (that’s the dabbleworm’s name), will start burrowing under the house with no warning, making everything shake until she goes still. My roommate has assured me that Rinxy is trained to close up the tunnels behind her, so our house won’t collapse into the ground, but it’s still not fun to be woken up every night by the house shaking.
“On top of that, my roommate travels a lot for her job, and asks me to feed Rinxy while she’s away. This wouldn’t really bother me too much if Rinxy didn’t have a diet of golliwoddle feather broth that I have to make fresh every day. I grew up in a cave system, so I have a high tolerance for gross things, but…it’s very gross.
“I don’t know if I can keep living like this, but I really don’t want to have to find a new place and a new roommate. Please help.
“Thanks,
Noten”
Thanks for writing in, Noten! Your living situation sounds…truly terrible. You should not be put in a position to go through all that effort to take care of someone else’s pet, but you’ve been very kind to agree to do so.
And the house shaking! That probably wouldn’t bother me personally. I’m a very heavy sleeper. One time one of our neighbors accidentally set off a mass anti-gravity spell that made everything in our home float to the ceiling. Then, when they finally managed to break the spell, everything just dropped back to the floor. I only know this because my moms told me, ‘cuz apparently I slept through the whole thing!
But, for someone who’s a lighter sleeper than I am–which is basically everyone in Grevelon, and your roommate, I guess–I can see how the dabbleworm’s burrowing could be an issue.
Hey…that story I just told gave me an idea. What if you cast an anti-gravity spell on your bed every night? That way the house might shake, but you wouldn’t feel anything!
Oh, it probably makes noise too, like rattling other furniture. That’s not ideal. Okay, forget that idea.
Ugh, lately I’ve been trying to come up with more creative advice then just, “Talk to your roommate,” but I think you might just have to talk to your roommate. If they’re not around to feed their pet, they should get someone else to do it, not foist the (gross) responsibility onto you.
As for the burrowing…that’s tough. Oh! Wait! I’m going back to my original idea. I know I said to forget it, but I need you to remember it again. Instead of putting a levitation spell on your bed, how about you have one put on your whole house? Not so it floats too high, but just enough so that the rumbling underground won’t shake it at all.
Levitating a house is a much bigger task than levitating a bed, but I know there are magic-casters who can do it. In Poere they have homes close to the Curtibus Sea that have levitation spells on them to keep water from getting in if there’s a flood. There are whole neighborhoods of houses floating a few feet off of the ground.
So I say talk to your roommate, and offer these ideas as a solution. And if they’re not agreeable…yeah, you probably just need to find a new place to live.
Hope that helps, thanks for writing in!
Our next letter is fr–oh, hang on Liisteners, Ruvyn’s gesturing for me to take a call on the speaking plant. Already? I’ve only done one letter–
Okay, answering this call, I guess it’s important. Hello caller, you’re on the air.
Kuzmala: Yes! I’m so glad this worked. Ruvyn almost didn’t put me through, but I guess he’s a big fan of the show. Hi, I’m Kuzmala!
Liisphyra: The show?
Kuzmala: Oh, right. I’m on Dungeon Crawler!
Liisphyra: WHAT?? [gasps] I love Dungeon Crawler!! My best friend Raedra and I listen to it all the time! It’s my favorite competition show!
Kuzmala: Yeah, so–
Liisphyra: Wait. Am I your Patron? Are you calling me for help? ARE YOU IN THE FINAL DUNGEON??
Kuzmala: Yes, and I’m on the clock, so–
Liisphyra: Namrys alive, you’ve gotta get moving!!
Kuzmala: I KNOW! And I need your help!
Liisphyra: Okay. Okay. I’m ready.
Kuzmala: So there are two doors at the end of this corridor, right? And, they both have, like, a sleeping face carved into them. The gnome in the last dungeon told me that one door leads to victory, and the other one will suck me into a portal and dump me into the Losers’ Pit.
Liisphyra: [gasps] Not the Losers’ Pit! It took Feglaria forever to get out of there in season 5.
Kuzmala: Yeah, don’t want to go there. The gnome said I can ask one door one question, but he added that one of them always lies, and one of them always tells the truth.
Liisphyra: Did you ask the gnome?
Kuzmala: What?
Liisphyra: Did you ask the gnome which way leads to victory?
Kuzmala: I didn’t think of that.
Liisphyra: Well, Dungeon Crawler rewards creative thinking, right?
Kuzmala: Right! Okay, I’ll go ask him–
Liisphyra: WAIT!
Kuzmala: What?
Liisphyra: What if the gnome also lies?
Kuzmala: Ohhh…
Liisphyra: But I guess he tells the truth at least sometimes, since he told you the doors would be there, and then they were.
Kuzmala: That’s true. Okay, so I’ll ask–
Liisphyra: But what if the gnome tells the truth only sometimes?
Kuzmala: Maybe I should’ve just called my mom.
Liisphyra: No! I can do this! Okay, how about this. Ask, “What would the other door say if I asked them, ‘Will the gnome tell me the truth if I ask him which door will lead me to victory?’”
Kuzmala: But how will I know which one of them is telling the truth?
Liisphyra: It doesn’t matter. Because both doors will either say yes or no. Then you just do the opposite of that!
Kuzmala: Okay…okay, I get it. That’s a good plan. I’ll do that, thanks Liisphyra!
Liisphyra: Of course! Good luck!!
Kuzmala: Thanks! [grinding metal sound] AH, SWINGING AXES–
Liisphyra: Oh, they hung up.
AHHH that’s so exciting, I was on Dungeon Crawler! Ruvyn, I didn’t know you were a fellow Crawler! We should listen together sometime. Y’know, Raedra’s applied to be on, like, 15 times. She would absolutely dominate the fire gymnasium.
Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break to hear from a sponsor, and then we’ll be back with another caller! If you need some advice, just tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.
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Liisphyra:
Aaaaaand we’re back with Dear Liisphyra! We’ve also received word that…Kuzmala reached victory on Dungeon Crawler! Apparently, the door said that the gnome would lie, so Kuzmala went back to ask the gnome which door to take.
But the gnome was gone. And Kuzmala was out of questions. But then Kuzmala realized that both doors had a little crack at the bottom, and was able to peek underneath and see which one was which. Victory!
Congrats Kuzmala! Glad I could help with this victory. Sort of. It was, I…I-I was helpful. Well, I would’ve been helpful if that gnome had just stayed put. That’s not really on me, though, when you think about it.
Anyway, let’s take another call! Hello caller, you’re on the air!
Dirgen: Hello? Hi!
Liisphyra: Hi there! What’s your name, caller?
Dirgen: I’m Dirgen. That’s d as in dragon, i as in imp, r as in…uh…r as in…
Liisphyra: Radish?
Dirgen: No thanks, I just ate.
Liisphyra: What has you calling in today, Dirgen?
Dirgen: I need some advice.
Liisphyra: Well, great news: this is an advice show!
Dirgen: I already knew that. That’s why I called.
Liisphyra: What advice do you need, Dirgen?
Dirgen: So, my friends are planning this mountain climbing trip, and I really wanna go with them. It’s a little dangerous, but nothing we can’t handle. But my dad doesn’t wanna let me go!
Liisphyra: Does your dad think it’s too dangerous?
Dirgen: Yeah, but only for me. He’s fine with my brother going.
Liisphyra: Is your brother older? Or more experienced?
Dirgen: No and no. Dad just won’t let me go because I’m an egg.
[beat]
Liisphyra: I’m sorry…what’s the situation?
Dirgen: [sighs] My dad is a talented wizard with a specialty in object animation. But he was very lonely. One day, he came across an abandoned crocodanda egg, and brought it home with him, thinking he could help it hatch. Once he realized it wasn’t gonna hatch, he cast an animation spell on the egg to see what would happen.
Liisphyra: And what happened?
Dirgen: Me! I happened.
Liisphyra: Oh. That makes sense.
Dirgen: My brother was born in a similar way, except he’s a rock. I’ve watched him drop from a tree 30 feet up in the air and land without a scratch. So dad isn’t worried about him.
Liisphyra: But because you’re an egg, he’s worried you’ll…crack?
Dirgen: Yeah. But I’m a crocodanda egg! My shell was made to withstand the iron grip of a crocodanda’s mouth. I’m not some weak little animated golliwoddle egg that’ll break if someone slaps my back too hard. But my dad’s afraid of the prophecy.
Liisphyra: What prophecy?
Dirgen: It’s just a story, honestly, but my dad thinks it’s a prophecy. It’s a dumb tale about an egg having a great fall and no one’s able to put it back together again. But Dad’s convinced it’s gonna be me.
Liisphyra: Oh. I see.
Dirgen: But because of that, he never lets me do anything fun! I think he’d lock me in a tower if he wasn’t afraid I’d fall out the window. But thankfully he hasn’t found a windowless tower yet.
Liisphyra: Do you really think he’d do that?
Dirgen: [reluctantly] No. He’s a good dad. I just wish he’d let me live my life how I wanna live it! It’s like, I don’t wanna crack, either. But I can handle myself, whether or not the dumb prophecy is about me.
Liisphyra: Have you ever heard the story about the Elf and the Highest Tree?
Dirgen: No.
Liisphyra: It’s sort of a cautionary tale. My moms told it to me when I was little.
Dirgen: That’s nice, but I’d really like some advice about dealing with my dad.
Liisphyra: Oh, this is the advice. Well, it’s leading into the advice.
Dirgen: What does an elf in a tree have to do with my dad not letting me do stuff?
Liisphyra: Well, if you–
Dirgen: Oh! Did the elf fall from the tree and crack? Thanks, Liisphyra, but I don’t think that’s gonna help at all.
Liisphyra: No, the elf didn’t fall from the tree.
Dirgen: Okay, spoilers.
Liisphyra: Can I just tell the story, please?
Dirgen: Feel like I already know the ending now, but go ahead, I guess.
Liisphyra: Thank you. So. There once was an elf who had just moved to a new grove where they didn’t know anyone. The day the elf arrived, she went to a divination wizard to get her fortune told. The wizard foretold that the people in the elf’s new grove would look down on the elf, and would not want to befriend her.
The elf worried that her neighbors would look down on her for having a house on the ground, while so many of them lived up in the trees. Determined not to let the fortune come true, she figured the best way to prevent her neighbors from looking down on her was to build a new home, high up in the tallest tree in the grove.
The new home was so high, the elf could see all of Grevelon. But since it was so high up, she didn’t leave very often, because the climb was so tiring. So she stayed in her tree, waiting for her neighbors to visit and admire her fantastic view.
But the elf’s neighbors didn’t wanna climb all the way up the tree, either. And since the elf built her home so high up, and hardly ever came down, they just assumed she was stuck up and uninterested in being friends with them.
So, in the end, the people of the grove looked down on the elf, despite her best efforts, and so she stayed, alone, up in her tree.
Dirgen: That’s…depressing.
Liisphyra: Yeah, well, the first time my moms told me that story, I cried so hard that they quickly added an epilogue that eventually the elf moved to a new grove and made friends there and was very happy.
Dirgen: Oh, well, that’s good.
Liisphyra: But that’s the thing with fortunes and prophecies, right? We can try to avoid them, but if it’s meant to be, it’s gonna happen.
Dirgen: So you’re saying…I should go to a divination wizard and have them tell me if I’m actually destined for a great fall.
Liisphyra: No…
Dirgen: Then what was the point of that whole story??
Liisphyra: The point was that you can spend your life fighting prophecies, or you can live it to its fullest and just accept what comes when it comes. And I think that’s what you should tell your dad.
Dirgen: Oh. That-that’s good. Wait, can you say that all again, I need to find a pen and paper–
Liisphyra: Just speak from your heart. Or…yolk?
Dirgen: That’s offensive.
Liisphyra: I am so sorry–
Dirgen: I’m just kidding. Yolk is pretty accurate.
Liisphyra: Heh, that was a pretty good…yolk.
[beat]
Dirgen: Anyway, thanks for the advice, Liisphyra. I’m going to tell my dad that it’s better to live my life the way that I want to live it, instead of constantly living in fear of cracking.
Liisphyra: That’s great. Thanks for calling in, and good luck!
Dirgen: Thanks. Bye!
Liisphyra: Goodbye!
And that’s all the time we have for today’s show. Thank you so much for listening to Dear Liisphyra. Next up we have…[shuffling papers] “Screaming Clouds.” That’s it? [flips paper] Is that a band name, or…actually, I don’t wanna think about the alternative, so, let’s say it’s a band name.
I’ll talk to you all again real soon, but in the meantime, keep your chin up, and…OH! Listen to the most recent episode of Dungeon Crawler because, I’m on it!! Bye!
[chill guitar outro theme]
Nicole:
Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra, Kuzmala, and the sponsor were voiced by Katie Siegel. Dirgen was voiced by Elise Bender. And I’m Nicole. Hi!
If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will levitate your house for you. But only if you want her to.
For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok. You can also follow @DearLiisphyra on Twitter and Instagram. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!