Alexandra Martinez

Indira Hood-Esparza

Humanities - Pod 1

13 November 2018

• Use BOLD for emphasis
• Use BOLD ITALICS for slower reading and emphasis
• Use UNDERLINE for making eye contact
• Use <PAUSE> to pause briefly or to take a full breath
• Use (CUE IMAGE) to indicate an image you are going to show

Inner Emotions

(Cue image of girl holding a pillow) Tired, frustrated, angry, done with everything. I didn't have the energy to even eat and I had given up on any sort of retaliation. <PAUSE> After a long day at school and coming home to an unpleasant family, I could finally get some sort of rest. I walked past the family photos and earth-toned furniture sets, <PAUSE> up the stairs and through the corridor to my room. I had gotten comfortable under my bed covers after throwing my school supplies on the floor and quickly getting changed. All I could do was stare up at the non-existent shapes on the ceiling, and there was not a single ounce of sleep in me. <PAUSE> The headlights of cars passing by traveled across my bedroom walls. In the eyes of anyone else the silence might be peaceful, <PAUSE> but all it did was cause turmoil in my head. It’s odd, how a moment meant for peace and rest was replaced by the feeling of uneasiness and overwhelming negativity. It was like <PAUSE> there was this constant fight inside me between the composure I do my best to show on the outside and the insecurities I try to hide on the inside.

Every night it’s the same thoughts and self-doubt clouding my head. Replaying through memories, <PAUSE> picking them apart, <PAUSE> analyzing everything I did wrong, playing out better scenarios and putting myself down while I’m at it. <PAUSE> All these negative emotions dwell inside me, the things I could have changed, the things I didn’t say. It became too hard not to question every decision. (Cue image of blood cells) Just like an autoimmune disease where your blood cells can sometimes attack your body mistaking healthy cells for foreign invaders. To me, it felt like these thoughts were attacking my brain, <PAUSE> registering it as being harmful to me and trying to destroy it, sending attack after attack. Not caring about how it could negatively affect me. Every night it felt like they were chipping away at me and I could only grow smaller and smaller. Until one day I was pushed to the brink and there was no more water left to take from the cup. <PAUSE> All I could do was silently cry as my insecurities broke me down even further, not letting anyone know that they were draining me. <PAUSE>

 No one could know I was feeling this way, no one could see me this weak and broken. Not only because I didn’t want to make anyone worry, but because everything was just going downhill at home and I didn’t want to make anything worse. <PAUSE> The fighting, the struggle with money, the dread everyone was feeling but was reluctant to voice out, it’s like there was a hole in my families foundation, a missing piece in our support system. (Cue image of pile of bones) My family once resembling a sturdy skeletal structure connected with strong ligaments has now fallen and could only be described as a pile of bones. Yet while pretending there wasn’t this hole in me, I couldn’t force a smile either. I wouldn’t want to pretend I’m feeling happy when I’m not, <PAUSE> but expressing any underlying emotions would leave me too vulnerable. This is how I feel almost every day, <PAUSE> on the good ones though all the joy washes away any dread I feel but, that hadn’t applied to today.

It’s nearing the end of 2017, <PAUSE> exhibitions and POL’s are just a couple days away and as always stress is clearly displayed on every student’s face. So many things to get done in so little time, people can’t help but make mistakes. All the tension and anxiety had gotten to me, and my teammates making errors only created a bigger burden on me. I had run out of energy and I just couldn’t handle any more stress. <PAUSE> No positive thinking could push me to move forward nor motivate me to show a little more tolerance. Like our bone tissues that act as a reservoir for all the minerals, our body needs to keep us going, <PAUSE> the repetition of encouraging thoughts could sometimes get me through, but right now that reservoir was empty. <PAUSE> By the time school had ended I wound up doing all of our groups all on my own. School that day had already felt like an eternity and it felt great to be able to go home and relax. Until home didn’t feel so calm anymore. <PAUSE> (Cue image of me, my mom, and my brother) As I entered my house I saw my mom, she had this look on her face. Her eyes were slanted with one eyebrow higher than the other as she gave me an ice-cold stare, <PAUSE> the corners of her lips pointing down and 2 thin wrinkles on the top left corner of her forehead. This look meant that dad was in an exceptionally bad mood today. My brother Esteban had walked over and whispered to me, “ Don’t say anything stupid, if you think it will upset him it probably will.” So I put on my best smile and walked over to the living room to greet him, <PAUSE> because at least when I do this his mood lifts a little bit. It’s the most I could do to lighten the load of yelling, nagging, and criticism he would give to the whole family. The most I could do so he wouldn’t yell at mom as bad. I hate pretending to be what I’m not, happy, but my emotions show on my face too easily when I’m really tired. <PAUSE> Everything was going as best as it could with all the hostility lingering in the household until I did the one thing that happened to make him snap. <PAUSE>

 The family routines were ordinary, <PAUSE> but everyone was on their toes and their tempers were high. My hair on a brush was all it took. That morning I had been careless enough to brush my hair with dads brush, and he found it when he was going to brush his hair to go out on a date with my mom. Any other day it would have been a light scolding, a warning, but today it just set him off. <PAUSE> It felt like a routine now, the first thing he would always do was yell. Yell because it seemed like there was no other way for him to express what he was trying to say. “Why can’t you just listen, it’s one simple thing, you're becoming just like your brother!” he yelled. He always had problems with my oldest brother Paul ever since he was little. Paul hadn’t always made the best choices, <PAUSE> but he didn’t deserve all the malice my father showed towards him. After somehow tying someone else's mistake with Paul, he always moved on to bringing up past issues completely irrelevant to the situation. It always seemed like it would never end, and all I could do was stand there <PAUSE> frozen <PAUSE> mentally banging my head against the wall for being so stupid. Lastly, he would always end with how I would never be able to understand. That these mistakes were to be expected because I was a teenager. Meaning I was too young, too stupid, and too careless to do such an easy task, and I believed him. I wasn’t upset rather <PAUSE> disappointed in myself for not remembering something so simple. 

At some point, you learn to tune out all the bitterness thrown at you. Before the words hurt, the feeling of inferiority took over and I couldn’t help but think that there was something wrong with me, but by now I had become numb to it all. Keep your mouth shut, don’t break eye contact, answer any questions without hesitation, and always say you were at fault no matter what. As long as I did these things it couldn’t get any worse, so I did just that. <PAUSE> This was the easiest way to dissipate his anger. I had learned from previous experiences where I tried to retaliate, no matter what I did I always ended up being the one at fault and every once in a while a threat from him to break off our relationship completely or to get kicked out of the house. <PAUSE>

I had walked up to my room obviously in a bad mood. Curled up in a ball, back against the headboard trying to make myself smaller, smaller so no one could see me, so I couldn’t hear them arguing downstairs. <PAUSE> (Cue image of girl crying) No matter how much I covered my ears I could still hear him saying how my mother should have taught me better, how she should learn to handle her children, asking why was I acting this way. That nobody cared how he felt and that he wasn’t happy with the way this family was functioning. <PAUSE> I just wanted to block it all out, I just wanted to run down there and yell back how she raised me just right, that she tries her hardest and that maybe we weren’t the problem he was. What does he expect us to do? When he backs me into a corner I can help but feel the need to retaliate. But I couldn’t, I knew that if I did somehow I would make things worse, all I could do was lay there frustrated with him but with myself as well. I knew there wasn’t anything to ease all this pain I was feeling inside when all my thoughts and emotions had just been cranked on high. <PAUSE>

 Tears falling down my face, all I wanted was someone to comfort me, but there was no one I felt I could reach out too, <PAUSE> I held myself back from seeking any solace. It was too much but this was better than letting others know, letting my family know, letting my mother know that I wasn’t as composed as I seem to be. She cares so much and I see how hard she works to try and keep this family up, and I wouldn’t want to burden her with any more problems. It seems so simple really, <PAUSE> open up, tell others how you feel and that invisible wall you sense might just vanish. I can’t help but think of all the times people told me how they noticed that I distanced myself, <PAUSE> avoiding topics about my home life or any revelation of my inner emotions. The thought of being so exposed never fails to stop me. Which is why just before I sleep is the only time I feel I can let everything out. I struggle to put trust in others with my emotions, to be open to the possibility of getting hurt anymore. All I can do is try to fall asleep to numb the pain before I break anymore for the night, wishing this was all a dream, that this wasn’t my reality and that I could wake up in peace. I realized here that I had no idea how long the dark could really last until I couldn’t close my eyes. <PAUSE>

(Cue image of drawing) Morning comes and I still feel lonely, <PAUSE> still lost in this maze I can’t escape. But there are nights when sleep is deceitful and my dreams are filled with even more self-doubt. All that's left is to wake and start the day over. Those troublesome nights become a reminder of all the things you wanted to hide, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m still scared to put all this trust in others but I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I want to be able to let out everything I’ve been holding in, so I could move on and put all this frustration behind me. To be able to openly express myself unlike the times I struggled to with my father. I’ve been doing it slowly but I have, I’ve gone from one person to two, and although that may not seem like the biggest step, it was a big step for me. It wasn’t easy and there are still things that I’m holding back, but there’s a lot more I’ve put out there.