Bluff City 11: The Grapplers Down at Promenade Arena Pt. 3

Transcriber: Izza (snake_machine#9868) [0:00:00-0:14:13]; meko

[Recap begins]

AUSTIN (as Moran): Aqua Illusion

ALI: [whimpering-laugh]

        AUSTIN (as Moran): You’re up against Black Jack tonight, one of the best there’s ever been in any ring, as far as I’m concerned. Squared ring, circle rings. Octagonal rings. He’s been in all the rings that there are. He wears rings, which you gotta be careful of in the ring, because he’ll use ‘em. I’m curious. What, uh, you have any words for Black Jack? Do you have any, any feelings?

        ALI (as Aqua Illusion): It’s time for me to make a name for myself. And when the waves hit, Blackjack [laughs]…[laughing] is gonna get washed to shore!

[Music: “The Grapplers Down at Promenade Arena” begins]

SYLVIA (as Moran): Oh! Look at that! The Count’s scurrying away to the barricade to try and get away from Jake’s brute strength!

        AUSTIN (as audience): You don’t suck! You don’t suck! You don’t suck!

        ART (as Jake the Jackal): This is the fuckin hottest match I’ve ever seen you have.

AUSTIN (as Mr. quatch): It has been a long time since Monster House has felt whole.

DRE (as Faustolfe): And the first victim shall be the so-called Jake the Jackal! Jake, myself, and…

ART: [laughing]

DRE (as Faustolfe): and the greatest monster in cinematic history—besides Count Dracula—King Kong! Challenge you—

AUSTIN (as Mr. Sasquatch): Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, sorry, one second. [whispering] We can’t book King Kong in this match. He’s just an actual ape. He’s just an ape, he has a handler. We can’t—

DRE (as Faustolfe): No, it would be unfair, ‘cause King Kong would just murder you! It would be terrible, there are children in here. Myself and the most elusive monster in American history, Mr. Sasquatch, challenge you and the partner of your choice!

ART: (as Jake): You know, I’m not in Bluff City to make it to New York.

AUSTIN (as audience): Yeah!

ART: (as Jake): I’m in Bluff City because I love Bluff City. I love—

AUSTIN (as audience): Woo!

ART: (as Jake): —protecting the people of Bluff City. I love entertaining the people of Bluff City. And I love beating the unholy hell outta some monsters.

AUSTIN (as Moran): Here’s the thing: right now, Charlie Cupid, you don’t have a match on this card.

SYLVIA (as Charlie Cupid): Hm. Well, that won’t do! The people will riot in the streets if they don’t see me perform. Someone needs to fix this right now. And if they don’t? Well, then we’ll be saying goodbye to Charlie Cupid sooner than you think.

AUSTIN (as S99): [robotically] This show has been an absolute mess! Isn’t that right, TKTK?

        (as TKTK): [robot beeping foley] Bwomp bom bom brrrorrrrwwwww.

        (as S99):  We think that your current configurations are hot garbage!

        (as audience): What? No!!

AUSTIN: And then they open up an open challenge for the tag team belt.

(as S99): Under one condition: it has to be people who have never wrestled together before!

[Music: “The Grapplers Down at Promenade Arena” ends]

AUSTIN: Welcome to Friends at the Table, an actual-play podcast focused on critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends. I’m your host Austin Walker, and today we are continuing our Bluff City game of World Wide Wrestling RPG. My agenda today is to challenge and celebrate the wrestlers, to make it look like I had it planned all along, and to entertain the imaginary viewing audience, and hopefully you as well. Joining me again, Ali Acampora.

ALI: Hi! My name is Ali Acampora and you can find me @ali_west on Twitter.com.

AUSTIN: Sylvia^[1] Clare.

SYLVIA: Hey, I’m Sylvia, you can find me on Twitter @captaintrash and you can find the other stuff I do @emojidrome or videogamechoochoo.com.

AUSTIN: Andrew Lee Swan.

DRE: Hey, you can find me on Twitter @swandre3000.

AUSTIN: And Art Martinez-Tebbel.

ART: Hey what’s up ya jabroni marks?

AUSTIN: Okay.

ART: You can find me on Twitter @atebbel and if you really wanna get smartened up you can go to @onesongpod and listen to another show.

AUSTIN: I hate— [laughs] Good! Another show [laughing] Good sell on that! Just—

DRE: Can I… do I have to dig it? Is that where this promo is going?

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

DRE: Ok.

ART: I couldn’t get my, like, pseudo-Vince Russo to, like, talk about Kanye West, it just didn’t come.

AUSTIN: Yeah, no.

DRE: Oh that’s what you were doing.

ART: One Song Pod is a Kanye West podcast.

AUSTIN: Yeah, that’s true.

ART: Vince Russo is probably racist.

DRE: Probably?

ART: After this week, don’t put that in.

AUSTIN: Don’t put that in. Y’know?

ART: After the big defamation podcast wrestling lawsuit finished, maybe we shouldn’t poke that bear.

AUSTIN: Hey, listen, they won that podcast—er, that lawsuit. They won that podcast.

ART: Sure. I’m gonna have a hard time proving with text messages that Vince Russo is a racist.

SYLVIA: We don’t need to say that Vince Ru—we can factually say that he was sued for being a racist at one point.

AUSTIN: Was he?

SYLVIA: Yeah.

ART: Sure, and many things Vince Russo does have appeared racist on TV.

AUSTIN: There we go. We’re not in England, we can say things the way we want to. Sometimes.

DRE: Damn. Fuckin, shots at England, already.

AUSTIN: England has some rough fuckin slander and libel laws that make it really hard to do some reporting sometimes, is a thing I’ve gotten my head around in the last couple of years. Alright. So. What are we doing? I listened to this podcast—I listened to the last one, which helps me quite a bit-

ART: Showoff.

AUSTIN: [laughs]

SYLVIA: Humblebrag.

AUSTIN: Humblebrag. Which means I can give us a quick rundown of what the card was last time, what we did, and get us all back on speed. I realized why we were not up to speed last time was because I had—my card had not been updated to reflect something, and also a decision I made at the end of the last episode was not contextualized in a really interesting way, and so it got confusing. So, here’s what happened last time: we opened on Constitution Day beginning, which is the name of this event at the Promenade, at Promenade Wrestling Federation, which is again built into kind of an old-timey, almost Southern Gothic mansion convention center that has been taken over and turned into—or, like, a casino has been built around it.

Also, I realized today that part of what I’m going here for was already a casino? Which is there was a casino called The Showboat in Atlantic City, and if you just search for “Showboat Atlantic City” and go to images...let me see if I can find a good one. None of these are good ones. These are all like inside or the wrong side of—oh, oh! Here we go. I found one. I found a good one. It’s like, it’s on like the third row, it’s the one that says “Showboat, the Mardi Gras Casino!” And I’m just gonna paste this picture here—

SYLVIA: Oh wow.

AUSTIN: —because it’s goofy. Yeah, here we go. Boom. Where like —it’s literally built to look sort of like a river boat, y’know, with like a kind of walkway around the edges, and—

DRE: Oh man.

AUSTIN: It’s like a whole thing. That was a real—it’s gone now. It failed. Like most—like many casinos in Showboat—er, in Atlantic City. Wait, wait, wait—

ART: Atlantic City is the only place where most casinos fail I think.

AUSTIN: That’s true. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s back open again, it reopened. The hotel reopened July 8th, 2016 and in February, the press of Atlantic City reported that “Showboat owner Bart Blatstein has taken the first steps in applying for a casino license for the property. Blatstein said ‘There’s over a billion dollars worth of investments in that part of the town, and that should not be ignored.’” So, that’s good. That’s good. Also, it was originally launched as “The Showboat Hotel, Casino, and Bowling Center”. The 1980s were just a different time. [laughs] It’s great.

Okay so. It’s Constitution Day, and the big kind of A Plot for this event is that Ms. Carlisle, a representative and talent scout from Constitution Sports Entertainment, the sort of WWE stand-in for our world, has arrived, and has publicly said that the winner “gets to sign the Constitution” which is some sort of contract offer to go do some work at Constitution Sports Entertainment. It’s kind of like an offer to go up to the big leagues. And when I say the winner, I mean the person who has the most Heat, or I guess in game terms the most Audience, by the end of the night, and that is the offer being made. That was then interrupted by…or maybe that was not interrupted. Then we got a promo, we got Erica Rizzo, aka Aqua Illusion, who at that point was booked to be in a non-title match up against Blackjack, who is kind of the champion, the mid-Atlantic champion, who is the kinda top star in the promotion, to kind of promote herself. Also we got you, Ali, doing this Aqua Illusion bit about how you were gonna show everybody that Blackjack was washed up, or some other ocean pun.

Then we got a Count Faustolfe III up against Jake the Jackal match, that ended up in a run-in from Monster House, and Count Faustolfe ended up getting a win despite being a Jobber, despite being someone who’s meant to lose every match. He spent some Momentum to do a Heel move and change the outcome of a match to get a win, and revealed that you had been brought into Monster House, in an attempt to make it a Monster Home, which also began a sort of a running bit with you and Jake the Jackal where eventually that turns into a special type of tag match, which I’ll get to in a moment.

Then we got a promo from Charlie Cupid, Sylvia, in which you just sort of said like “I better get booked in a good match, or else I’m gonna leave the Federation,” and you actually landed that promo. You rolled like a 9—

SYLVIA: Somehow.

AUSTIN: —on that promo, somehow, despite having a negative 2 in the relevant stat. Then we had a scene with Jake the Jackal and Simeon Shaw, who is the promoter here, the kind of chief promoter, in which Jake was like “Hey, why are we trying to deal with Constitution, shouldn’t we be focusing on like Bluff City,” or whatever, and Simeon was like “Don’t worry about it, it’s all gonna work out in the end, rising tide, blah blah blah.”

There was then a “winner gets a shot” match between Kansas City Kate and Dione Gabbreau. Dione Gabbreau wins that but there is like, The Protocol, who are two robots, two androids, S99 and TKTK, who started to, like, let their presence be known by like turning off the lights in the middle of that fight. And then there was a kind of a 3-on-1 match between Man Truck, versus Sweet Belle Moran, Ghoul from Monster House, and Beaches from the regular House. Man Truck won, and Jake came out to recruit Man Truck into a—into the tag match up against Count Faustolfe and Mr. Sasquatch, and then also they set a gimmick for that match. Do you remember the name of that gimmick?

ART: Was it a “Trick-or-Street-Fight”?

AUSTIN: It was a Trick-or-Street in a cell match, but then we found a better name, you came up with a better name, which was The Consecrated Cage Match.

ART: Ah yes, I’m very good.

AUSTIN: You’re very good

SYLVIA: [laughing]

AUSTIN: So that is coming up. We also had that Boardwalk Championship Match from the previous “winner gets a championship shot” match where Dione went up against Taffy, who is another member of the House I believe, and Dione was about to win when the Protocol showed up again, S99 and TKTK, they showed up, and cut a promo and basically said like, “All of this is a fucking mess, there is an ape involved, there is lots of compete garbage happening, you run a terrible show. No one who is currently wrestling together is worth—is good enough to have a shot against us, we want a team that’s never wrestled together to fight us,” and so that is kind of where we left things off.

Here is where I wanna come in: I think we have—or actually let’s go over characters really quick, let’s go over characters and go over relationships so that we’re all on the same page with each other. Let’s start with you, Ali.

ALI: My wrestler is Aqua Illusion [laughs], whose gimmick is kind of like a, um, like a sea-mermaid/sea-monster/person who wears a vest and a backwards hat.

AUSTIN: Oh yeah.

ALI: Cuz those go together [laughs].

AUSTIN: There’s already been cosplay that’s so good, so apparently yes.

ALI: [laughing] Those leggings are really easy to find and make, so kudos to the person who cosplayed, it’s amazing. My Heat right now are: I have a +3 with Charlie Cupid, a +1 with Jake the Jackal, and a +1 with Count Faustolfe III.

AUSTIN: Can you go over what those things are, what those pluses are from?

ALI: Yeah so, um, I’m currently a Face—

AUSTIN: Right. So that—

ALI: So Charlie is—yup.

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

ALI: Charlie Cupid is a Heel, so that’s one, and then Charlie Cupid has also taken me under his wing. I’m a better, like, talker than I am [at] wrestling, so Charlie helps me out with that. And then we also debuted together, so, I debuted as, like, a solo person who kinda rose through the ranks, and Charlie debuted in a tag-team with Count Faustolfe, and it didn’t work out for him too well.

AUSTIN: Right, great.

ALI: [laughs] I have a +1 with Jake the Jackal who is a Face with me, but is jealous of my rapid rise.

AUSTIN: Mm.

ALI: And then Count I am generally pretty supportive of, [laughs] but because he is a Heel, I have a +1.

AUSTIN: Right. Right. Cool. Um, who is next. Let’s see, let’s just scroll down, um, Sylvia. Tell me about Chuck Buckley.

SYLVIA: Chuck Buckley, aka Charlie Cupid—is his wrestling name—is, I guess what I’d call sort of a delusional narcissist.

[Austin and Ali chuckle]

SYLVIA: He’s just kind of like a sleazy Heel wrestler with a heart aesthetic.

AUSTIN: But like—right. He thinks that he’s good though, right?

SYLVIA: Oh yeah, no. He thinks ev—he thinks he’s everyone’s favorite wrestler.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: Which means he’s really annoying [Austin laughs]. So because I was former tag team partners with Count Faustolfe III, and he’s also jealous of my skills, I think those are both—yeah, that’s why I have two Heat with him.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: Aqua Illusion, much like she—I am helping her with the technical side of things; she’s helping me be more of an entertainer.

AUSTIN: Gotcha.

SYLVIA: And because we have opposing alignments, we have two Heat in total. And then Jake is just a Face and I’m a Heel, so we have one Heat by default.

AUSTIN: Awesome. So...let’s move on to...whoever’s next on this list. Uh, Art?

ART: I believe that’s me.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: I have three Heat with Count Faustolfe: one for opposite alignment, one for no respect, and two for undercutting me.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

ART: Er, one for undercutting me...I was counting up [Dre snickers] instead of what it really was. Charlie I have one with because they’re a former protege of mine., and then one for opposite alignment. I have zero with Aqua Illusion, because we are the same alignment. And then I have plus two with—plus two with Ghoul.

AUSTIN: Right, right [Ali laughs]. Member of Monster House. Right. Building that Heat with Monster House, great. I mean, you have one with all Heels, because you’re a Face, right? So it’s not that big of a, you know, of a push. The Heat isn’t that hot, but still. Meaningful.

ART: I’m coming for you, Ghoul.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Is Ghoul the one who’s just shitty Billy Kidman?

ART: I believe so, yes.

AUSTIN: Okay, great. Good. Alright, so, here’s what we’re gonna—is that ev—no, no, no. That’s not—

DRE: You forgot me.

AUSTIN: Sorry, I’m sorry.

DRE: You forgot the Jobber!

AUSTIN: I forgot the Jobber, Count Faustolfe III.

DRE: Uh, yeah.

AUSTIN: Aka...what’s your real name, again?

DRE: Lenny Reed.

AUSTIN: Lenny Reed.

DRE: Let’s see, I have two Heat with Ali. One ‘cause of opposing alignment, and the other because Aqua Illusion is always trying to get management on my side. I have two Heat with Jake the Jackal because of opposing alignment and because he can’t remember who I am.  And then I have one Heat with Charlie Cupid because he was my tag partner before he made it big.

AUSTIN: Right. Awesome. Cool. Um, and real quick, Audience and Momentum for everybody. Which should just be on your sheet—the bottom of the screen rather, because that’s the most updated version.

DRE: I have two Audience and two Momentum.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm. Jake?

ART: Five Momentum, two Audience.

AUSTIN: Okay. Charlie?

SYLVIA: I have one in both.

AUSTIN: And Aqua?

ALI: I have two Momentum and one Audience.

AUSTIN: Cool. And, just as a reminder, the way Momentum works is it lets you—you can spend one for one to increase any roll by that number. You kind of want to—the big picture goal is to gain Audience. And to gain Audience, you want to increase Heat with your opponent and win matches, right? Or to end matches well, not to win matches necessarily, but to end matches well.

And you build Heat by ending matches well, and also by rolling well in matches and doing certain moves, and so Momentum can help that, can build Heat, and then Heat will, once you hit a three? Or a four? If you hit a four Heat with somebody you get—if you end a match with four Heat with somebody, you gain an Audience point. I believe that that’s true. Uh, I’m double-checking...I think it’s plus four heat, is that what I said? Yes, if you gain—if you have plus four Heat, you gain an Audience. So it’s kind of like—think about plus four Heat as like, “Oh, we’ve kind of hit a peak in this arc, in this, in this—” what’s the frame—what’s the phrase I’m looking for, in wrestling?

ART: Angle?

AUSTIN: In this angle, thank you. And that will gain your Audience; that will increase your Audience. And once you get to four Audience, you level up. The first time you hit four Audience in any given event, you get an advance. And also, the first time you—if you get to four Audience, whoever—there can only be one person with four Audience in the entire promotion. If someone gets to four Audience, the person who’s currently at four Audience gets knocked down to three Audience. And that is—there’s only one star in the sky, you know? Alright, so, any other paperwork? Any other questions about stuff before we continue? No? Okay, cool.

So here’s where I want to start. You—I want to—I think we open on a shot of—there’s some match happening in the ring right now; I think it’s, like, another local jobber up against someone whose name is like…[sighs] Leonardo de Pinci [Sylvia and Ali chuckle]. Or, like, some other—what’s another painter pun that you can do?

ART: Michael Lariato?

AUSTIN: Yeah, Michael Laritato. In a, like, an “Empty Canvas” match. And the goal, it’s like a la—you know a ladder match, the thing is like “I have to knock out my opponent—we’re in a steel cage match, the goal is like, you know, “I have to put my opponent out long enough to climb out, climb up the ladder to get the whatever, to get the belt or to get the briefcase or whatever it is.” Or “I need to climb the—knock them out long enough so I can climb the cage and get out.” This is a, like, “I have to knock them out so that I can paint something on the canvas, on the actual canvas of the—of the mat.” On the mat-canvas. You have to paint the Promenade Wrestling logo. The painter always wins this match; it’s the one everyone gets up to go to the bathroom. It’s like, you know, it’s kind of one of the things that makes Promenade special but also no one really likes it. So. That’s what’s happening out in the ring. Stay away from it. No one do a run-in. No one get involved with [Ali giggles] Michael Lariato, aka—

ART: “I’m gettin’—oh, no.”

[Austin and Dre laugh]

AUSTIN: Um—

ALI: I want to—

AUSTIN: I also—

ALI: I want to change my character to Jackson Dropkick, by the way.

AUSTIN: Oh God. That’s very good. Mm. So, as that’s happening, as that’s wrapping up, you both—you both? Aqua Illusion and Charlie Cupid both get word, you hear word, that Simeon Shaw wants to see you both in the—in his office. And you’re waiting, and it’s just not made clear to you until that match wraps up and the cameras come in, but this is for—this is on camera. This is gonna be a promo. And you’re both waiting at the end of this hallway, and Blackjack walks down the hallway, like, from where Simeon’s office is. And kind of gives you a nodding grunt and is like, kinda like, you know, pulls arms a little bit to kinda like stutter step you and is just like [makes chuckling sounds] and just walks past you. And everybody goes like “Yeah!” and then, a few moments later, Ms. Carlisle walks out of Simeon’s office. And she says:

        AUSTIN (as Ms. Carlisle): Mr. Shaw will see you both now.

AUSTIN: And then she walks past you down into—you know, the weird guts of this fake arena, or whatever. And Simeon Shaw is waiting for you both there. Do you both go in?

SYLVIA: I go in first.

AUSTIN: [snorts] Great.

ALI: [laughs] Okay.

AUSTIN: Perfect. Perfect.

SYLVIA: I’m the bad guy!

ALI: No, yeah, go ahead!

AUSTIN: I get it, totally. So you come in and then, Aqua, you go in after?

ALI: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: Okay. There are two chairs out for you. And [snorts] I think there’s a—we get Simeon Shaw pouring you both sparkling water as you come in. But sparkling water into champagne glasses. And I’ve also realized the chara—I’ve realized who plays this dude. Because previously—I forgot if I had an original actor in mine but I think it’s whatshisface from the Sopranos. Michael Imperioli. Like a young Michael Imperioli, like a thirty-something Michael Imperioli.

ART: Oh, that’s good. That’s not what I thought you were gonna say, but that’s good.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna send this image also...where he just has, like, very tall hair and, again, a bad suit and very bushy eyebrows and does not—he just does not look like he should be in charge of anything. He looks like he is related to someone who’s in charge of things, which is true for this character. And so he’s like:

AUSTIN (as Simeon Shaw): Take a seat, take a seat. We are in a—how’s that poem go? We are in the woods. And there are paths. And you two are two of my rising stars. You know the poem [Ali giggles]. The stars in the woods? The paths? The inverted paths in the woods.

SYLVIA (as Chuck): Hm?

ALI (as Erica): Uh, what?

AUSTIN (as Shaw): We have some choices to make.

SYLVIA (as Chuck): Oh, okay.

AUSTIN (as Shaw): Let’s—you know what? Cheers to choices!

AUSTIN: And he raises his glass—which is champagne [chuckles].

        AUSTIN (as Shaw): To choices!

        ALI (as Erica): To choices.

SYLVIA: Charlie raises the glass but doesn’t say anything.

        AUSTIN (as Shaw): Choices!

AUSTIN: And then just downs the champagne. And he goes:

AUSTIN (as Shaw): Alright, so. The beginning of tonight, Aqua Illusion, you know you were booked in a non-title shot up against Blackjack. Now, as you know, the Protocol came out, insulted [emphatically] the great people of Bluff City.

AUSTIN: —just constantly going for cheap heat.

AUSTIN (as Shaw): And said that they would take on any newcomers to a title match. A tag team title match. Any duo that had never wrestled together. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking that might be a good opportunity for you. And I agree, it could be a good opportunity for you. But I wanna give you—again, woods, stars, inverted castle, et cetera—choices. The two of you need to decide where you want to take this opportunity—and I can give this opportunity to somebody else. You want me to give it to Dione Gabbreau and Taffy or to, you know, Sandy or any of the—anyone. I could give it to anybody who’s in any—we have a whole other stable that’s just a Grease stable; we haven’t debuted them yet.

[Ali chuckles]

AUSTIN: And the camera just, like, zooms in on him saying that for a second and then zooms out, like, “That’s not supposed to—no one’s supposed to know about the Grease stable.”

[Ali keeps chuckling quietly]

AUSTIN (as Shaw): So I wanna make it—I wanna make it spicier for you, so you can really decide what you want here. The two of you could team up for the tag team championship opportunity against the Protocol. Or I could change the Aqua Illusion-Blackjack non-title match into a terrific, terrifying, theatrical threeway competition between Aqua Illusion, Charlie Cupid, and Blackjack for the Mid-Atlantic title. Right here tonight, in the Promenade. So give it some thought, you let me know, you talk it over. And we’ll, uh, either way you want to go, I’m ready to go. We don’t have to talk it over right now, we can—you can—I could pour you some more champagne and we could all, you know.

AUSTIN: And waves the camera away. Any thoughts before the camera gets taken away? Any promo cutting here?

[Ali chuckles softly]

SYLVIA: Ohh, I can’t think of anything. I think Charlie’s mostly just been, like, begrudgingly looking at the can of sparkling water [Ali laughs] that’s been left on the table [Austin chuckles]. Like, “Ugh, Domestic? Really?” [Ali and Austin keep laughing]

ALI: I don’t know if I should insist on doing both, but that’s not how this game works [laughs].

AUSTIN: I mean, you could—you could say you want to do both which would be a pretty good promo of just like patting yourself on the back, you know what I mean?

ALI: [laughing] Yeah, just like “I have so much confidence in myself that if you asked me to do both matches tonight, I would win both of them.”

AUSTIN: You wanna roll your Look to cut a promo?

ALI: [laughing] Sure.

AUSTIN: Go ahead.

ALI: Which is plus one. That’s just 2d6 plus one?

AUSTIN: What’s your Look? Yeah, plus one. 2d6 plus one.

ALI: That’s a seven.

AUSTIN: That’s a seven. Alright, “On a seven to nine, you get people to pay attention. Pick one: make Creative book you in a match, add a stipulation to a relevant match, gain plus one Momentum, or gain plus one Heat with the subject of your promo.”

ART: Okay, let me pitch a stipulation for you [Ali snorts]. So you have to have this idea.

ALI: Okay.

ART: It’s a triple threat tag team match. Between you—you two—the champions, and Blackjack and a partner of Blackjack’s choosing. And the winning team gets the tag team belt and the Mid-Atlantic Championship.

AUSTIN: Who owns the Mid-Atlantic Championship in that situation?

ART: Whoever scores the victory.

AUSTIN: Oh, whoever gets the pin…[excitedly] that’s a good match!

[Ali squeals with laughter]

AUSTIN: So it’s a three-way—

SYLVIA: Jesus.

AUSTIN: —tag match. It’s three teams, it’s not—

[Dre laughs]

ART: We’re all the gold.

AUSTIN: That’s the name of the event, All the Gold. I’m glad you’ve just stepped into the role of Simeon here [Ali laughs]. That’s a good stipulation.

ALI: I—oh, you know what I just—do you know what just happened to me? Is that, what is it called when you push all of your coin to the center? And I realized it was “all in” and we can’t call it that [laughs].

AUSTIN: Wait, why can’t we call it All—oh, ‘cause—

SYLVIA: That’s the Young Bucks show that they’re doing.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Fuck.

DRE: Ohhhh.

[Ali keeps laughing]

AUSTIN: There has to be another word for going all in, right?

ART: Um—

DRE: Uh—

ALI: We could just—

ART: It could be like a “Chips on the Table Classic,” it could be a—

ALI: [laughing] Oh my God.

ART: Uh, a “All or Nothing—”

DRE: “Betting the House”

ART: An “All or Nothing—” an “All or Nothing Free For All.”

AUSTIN: “All or Nothing” is good, yeah. [reading] “See main article: All In.” Um, yeah.

ALI: An “All or nothing throughway” isn’t bad.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it’s pretty good [Ali laughs]. It’s like a max bet—like a—

ALI: Ohhh.

ART: Max Bet is a—is someone in this promotion named Max Bet?

AUSTIN: There should be [laughs].

[Ali and Dre laugh]

AUSTIN: But that’s their real name, and then their wrestling name is Leonardo Di Pinci [laughs].

SYLVIA: It just makes him sound like he pinches his opponents.

AUSTIN: I know. He knows.

SYLVIA: Okay, right?

AUSTIN: He knows.

ART: Pablo Pincasso was right there for you.  

AUSTIN: That’s pretty good too.

SYLVIA: I was thinking Vincent van Vader but that’s a bit much of a—

DRE: Damn.

AUSTIN: That’s pretty good, that’s pretty good.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

ART: Oh, and then it’s Vader.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: But he’s got a little beret.

[Ali and Dre laugh]

AUSTIN: Aw. That’s a good look. That’s a good look.

DRE: Tasteful.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: [gruffly] “It’s time! It’s paintin’ time!”

[Austin and Dre laugh]

AUSTIN: [sighs] Alright. Is that interesting to you, Ali?

ART: Yeah, this is—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—

AUSTIN: We’ve completely derailed. Again, your options here are—

ALI: I mean that’s—Sylvia, how do you feel about this? ‘Cause I feel great about it.

SYLVIA: Ohhh. I—

AUSTIN: I mean, you fucking rolled. A—listen, listen. Charlie Cupid did not cut a promo.

SYLVIA: Yeah. It—I’m down for whatever. Like, fuckin’—let’s go buckwild.

ALI: Okay, yeah. It would be—it would be rough to take that off of the table. So I think that, like, she puts her hand forward on the—puts both hands on the desk and, like, leans forward and is like:

ALI (as Aqua Illusion): I can promise you that I can take down those two robot fools and get the pin on Blackjack tonight. And I promise that to the city of Bluff City!

AUSTIN: Wow. Anything in response, Charlie?

SYLVIA (as Charlie Cupid): Just know that I didn’t come here to share the spotlight, okay?

SYLVIA: And it’s a very, like—Dana Brooke used to do this thing where she patted people on the head at the end of her promos and I’m stealing that here.

ALI: Oh yeah.

AUSTIN: Mhmm.

SYLVIA: And then he leaves.

AUSTIN: Oh God. Okay. Is that also a promo for you? Or are you—or is that just a little—

SYLVIA: Nah.

AUSTIN: No, you don’t want to roll it? Okay. Great. Alright. Um—

ART: It’s significant that Blackjack’s partner could also win the title.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

[Ali laughs]

ART: Alright.

ALI: Oooh.

AUSTIN: I have to figure out who the fuck that is.  

SYLVIA: David Arquette.

[Austin and Dre laugh]

SYLVIA: That’s how he did it!

ART: That is how David Arquette became WCW champion.

AUSTIN: Uh...sorry, I just have to update this card now. Alright, so now this becomes...the headlining match is now Aqua Illusion plus Charlie Cupid vs. the Protocol, which is S99 plus TKTK vs. Blackjack, the champion, plus ??? [question mark question mark question mark]...I have to look at my list of wrestlers. Uh, alright...I think I’ll be fine. Alright, so—[Ali chortles]

ART: You want someone good, but not too good.

AUSTIN: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I’m trying to think of how to do this next bit...so where’re you at, Faustolfe and Jake? Obviously, you’re not on screen right now, so what’re you doing in the back—in the background?

DRE: Uh—

ART: Uh, it’s weird, ‘cause I was pretty sure I was supposed to win that match and then I didn’t. And I don’t know who this person is who decided to [laughs] flip this booking around on me.

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: But I guess I want to make sure that Man Truck is ready for some shenanigans. This is like—this is probably—this is not an on-camera segment, this is like “Don’t let him take any liberties with you out there, Truck.”

        AUSTIN (as Man Truck): [gruffly] Mhm.

        ART (as Jake): Good talk.

        AUSTIN (as Man Truck): [growls] Mm-hm. Vrm.

[Sylvia laughs]

        ART (as Jake): You like the clams down at Jimmy’s?

        AUSTIN (as Man Truck): [growls] Mm-mm.

        ART (as Jake): Yeah, me too, I think I got sick there once off of that.

        AUSTIN (as Man Truck): [growls] Nm. Mm-mm.

AUSTIN: And rubs his tummy.

ART (as Jake): Ohoho [laughs] I mean, to each his own. I’ve liked a lot of things, that they—that I got a little sick, I didn’t like them no more.

AUSTIN (as ManTruck): [questioning growl] Om.

AUSTIN: And cut. I don’t think we need more Man Truck noises [laughs]. He’s very—he just—he’s a very method actor, you know what I mean? He’s in the character, so long as—he doesn’t know where the cameras are. Alright, so Faustolfe, what about you?

DRE: Um, I guess—

ART: No good actor knows where the cameras are.

DRE: It’s true [laughs]. Um, I guess I’m just hanging out with my monster boys.

AUSTIN: Yup, great. Are you playing cards, are you doing stretches? Like, what’s the—

DRE: Yeah, do—when Monster House is on for a night, do they keep their makeup on, even while they’re backstage, or is it like once you get backstage, you take off your big Sasquatch costume and, like, Wolfman takes off his big fuckin’ mascot head?

AUSTIN: I think it depends on what that costume looks like, do you know what I mean?

DRE: Right.

AUSTIN: And how heavy it is. So I think Ghoul is just a ghoul, basically “what if Billy Kidman was a zombie?” type, does not take anything off, ‘cause it’s just, like—it would take too long to reapply some of that stuff.

DRE: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: Um, but Illa Zilla, who is the Godzilla-style character, does definitely take off some of, like, the scale arms or whatever. You know, like the big claw hand things...absolutely.

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: Mr. Sasquatch doesn’t take anything off. Mr. Sasquatch, in my mind, actually looks more like one of those, like, Geico cavemen commercials.

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: Maybe not those...no, hairier than—like, like [sighs]. Maybe I’m thinking more like—what was that Sasquatch? What was that one Sasquatch? [laughs, Ali laughs] That one big Sasquatch?

ART: From Sasquatch?

ALI: Hm?

DRE: From Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer? Is that what you’re thinking of? [laughs]

AUSTIN: Wait, what is that one? What—maybe...Unfrozen...is that the same—

ART: Caveman the sitcom?

AUSTIN: What, there’s a sitcom?

SYLVIA: Encino Man?

ALI: Yeah, that’s Encino Man?

AUSTIN: Am I thinking Encino Man?

ALI: I hope so.

ART: No, no, the Geico caveman had a sitcom.

AUSTIN: Oh! Jeff knew one of those. Not any of the Jeffs you knew. Oh—uh—Art knew. My old roommate Jeff knew one of those cavemen.

DRE: Oh, wow.

ART: The TV cavemen or the commercial cavemen?

AUSTIN: The TV—they—the commercial cavemen. Did they get cut out before the—for the show deal?

ART: I don’t—I’m not s—I’m gonna confess, I don’t know everything about the cavemen overlap.

AUSTIN: Hm. So I meant—what I meant was, I think, Harry and the Henderson.

DRE: Ohh. Okay.

ART: Mm.

AUSTIN: Is kinda what I’m thinking. Um, but like, why is this a—

ART: Oh my God. Cavemen was described by the network as “A unique buddy comedy that offers a clever twist on stereotypes and turns race relations on its head.”

AUSTIN: No.

ART: All of the cavemen were white. One of them was Nick Kroll.

ALI: Mm-hm. It was a bad one.

AUSTIN: Oh, that sounds bad. Okay, but, but, but….I do kind of like the look of this guy as a Sasquatch. From Cavemen. So I’m gonna go in that direction. Long, bad hair. Bad beard. ‘Cause that stuff this guy could just grow. Do you know what I mean?

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: This Nick Kroll—this Nick Kroll caveman is pretty much what I have in mind. So, like, he even has glasses on backstage right now. And, like, a polo shirt. You know?

ART: I can’t believe this doesn’t get brought up more around Nick Kroll.

[Ali snorts]

AUSTIN: Me either. Okay, we’re gonna continue. Um—we’ve not gotten to any wrestling yet. So, Faustolfe, while you’re seated, um, you—[sighs]. How to best explain that—a man shows up. I would say this is like—in fact, I actually again have an image. That’s just gonna confuse everybody in that chat. There’s a really good shot of Cedric the Entertainer wearing a white suit with some good orange highlight type things. He shows up. White, you know, fedora or bowler cap or whatever—it’s not a bowler cap, it’s more of a fedora. You know, big, round, smiling. Little orange flower, you know. Orange tie. All white everything else. And he comes—he’s, like, walking around backstage and is clearly looking—trying to figure out where to go. And he heads over to your—your—he heads, like, towards your table and kind of locks eyes with you. And—what is your real name, again? Leaf?

DRE: Lenny.

AUSTIN: Lenny. Lenny—?

DRE: Reed.

AUSTIN: Reed, Lenny Reed, not Leaf. And he goes, uh—

        AUSTIN (as white-suit man): Oh excuse me, Mr. Reed?

        DRE (as Lenny): Uh, yeah. Yeah, boss, what’s up?

AUSTIN (as white-suit man): Boss? I love that, I love that. You, uh—could you take a step in my office, I’d love to chat with you about a thing or two. Hey boys.

AUSTIN: And he raises his hand to Monster House and they all go [softly, hesitantly] “Oh, Mr. B. Yeah, hey.” And, like, head back down. Like, they’re not making eye contact with this guy.

DRE: Do I know who this is, Austin?

AUSTIN: Nah, you’ve never met this man in your life.

DRE: Okay. Um, yeah, sure. I think Lenny’s a little off put by the fact that everybody else seems to know who this person is and does not look excited about it.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

DRE: But, um—

DRE (as Lenny): Um, yeah. You guys can, I guess, let King Kong play my hand, I don’t know.

AUSTIN (as King Kong): [ape foley] Wrrrrh.

AUSTIN: That’s—[Dre guffaws] and King Kong wanders over, slams hand through table. Poor handler is like, “I don’t know what to do.” And so, Mr. B., which is this character’s—or, I guess what he—He’ll introduce himself to you; he’s an adult [Dre laughs]. He says—

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure to meet face-to-face before. Mr. Lee L. Bee, but just call me Mr. B.

DRE (as Lenny): It’s, uh, it’s nice to meet you, Mr. B. I’d introduce myself but it seems like you already know who I am.

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): I’ve seen your work in the ring; I’ve seen your work out of the ring. I know you are a loyal member of this here Promenade. Follow me.

AUSTIN: —and kind of leads you down the kind of back halls of the arena. And eventually to a very inconspicuous door. And he goes, like:

        AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Uh, could you take a look away real quick?

AUSTIN: And he, like, leans into a—there’s like a numberpad on the door handle. And hits a button—hits a few buttons to put in a code. And it goes “beep beep beep” and he opens it. And you’re immediately in the center of the Promenade casino floor.

DRE: Oh.

AUSTIN: With, like, all the bells and slot machines going off, and the sound of music being pumped through, and it’s a little too cold ‘cause the air conditioning is on, and you realize quickly you can’t find any clocks anywhere. Casino floors are terrifying. And he, like, walks you down to the middle of an aisle of slot machines and just kind of stands and talks to you there surrounded by all these different slot machines. And he says:

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): First and foremost, welcome to Monster House. You know, you could say I’m the brains behind the operation; I don’t stay too close for comfort but I keep my hand, you know, in the pie, so to speak. That’s not a good one. It sounds messy, that’s not—I don’t like things messy. You get what I’m saying.

DRE (as Lenny): Uh, finger on the pulse?

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Finger on the pulse, that’s right. That’s right. I’m sort of the mind behind the mind, Mr. Sasquatch handles the day-to-day but every now and then he needs a little, uh, a little advice, and I got a lot of experience down South.

AUSTIN: —raises his eyebrows, like, “you know what I’m saying?”

        DRE (as Lenny): Yeah, I think I follow.

AUSTIN: As a reminder, there are kind of two big S—there are two big promotions still. We live in a world where the WTW did not collapse and get bought up by the Northern Federation, by the WWE, and instead, it continues to exist; it’s called Old Dominion Wrestling. The Old Dominion Wrestling Federation. Or the Old Dominion Wrestling—I guess it used to be the Territories and has since kind of coalesced. And so he says, like—and he’s not shouting, he’s just speaking close to you and is hidden by the sound of the bells and the ringing and people winning and losing money all around him. And he says:

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Now listen. You have put yourself in a very...particular position tonight. A position that could turn things this way or that way. And this...offer from Ms. Carlisle...not as clear and easy as it seems. You know.

DRE (as Lenny): So there’s a catch to it?

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Of sorts. I mean...folks like her, they always tell the truth, ‘cept they don’t tell all of it. Now a man like me, I might fib now and then, but you know what you’re gettin’. Mm? It’s why I always like playing the Heel. Yes, you will, if you happen to leave this place with a great deal of attention, receive an opportunity to go wrestle for Constitution Sports Entertainment. But, give it a week or two and you’ll find out you are getting a raw deal. See, the real play here is Constitution understands what these, uh, little groups, things like this Promenade, them folks out in Philadelphia, people in Japan, that whole telenovela wrestling thing in Mexico...all the energy and passion there, and they’re making a bigger play. What they need tonight is a sellout. A villain—and not a Heel, just a villain. Because, just a couple weeks after whoever leaves here arrives, that second wave is gonna hit. And you know the thing, the old invasion angle?

DRE (as Lenny): Yeah, it’s a classic.

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): It’s a classic. And you don’t wanna be on the wrong side of it. You’ll be stuck [chuckles] not even just losing matches—something I know you’re familiar with—but you’ll be the first step towards somebody else making it big there. I don’t know who yet. But that’s what’s really at play here is...someone else is gonna lead the “Indie Invasion” I think I heard her call it. Go after you sellouts, go after whoever takes this offer. And you and I both know it’s all a game and all work, but people...people want to root for underdogs.

DRE (as Lenny): Why’re you telling me this, man? I’m—I mean, I’m a nobody in this company.

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Well, think of it this way. Someone’s gonna get a contract tonight. Couple weeks from now, someone else is gonna get a contract. Or maybe already has one. There’s gonna be a lot of empty room in the locker room. A lot of space for someone new to step up. Just want you to know that could be you. There’s more than one way to help. Sometimes you help by stepping into the spotlight. ‘Specially when it’s empty. I’ll keep my ear to the ground, it’s what I do best. It’s what we always do best in the South. If I hear anything else, I’ll let you know. All I want from you is a promise to look before you leap and, uh, you come let me know if I can ever help you with anything. Hm?

DRE (as Lenny): Yeah, you got it, boss.

AUSTIN (as Mr. B): Follow me up, I’ll bring you back. Things get twisty back there. You know.

AUSTIN: And he leads you back. And you do realize, like, it feels like he’s leading you a different way back. And, if I can be on my Bluff City shit for like a half-second, I think Jake, you see this dude. And you worked—you worked in the South before. You—you’re a veteran, right Jake?

ART: Yes, I also believe we alluded to that in Inspectres.

AUSTIN: Right. You’ve never seen this—

ART: Talking about Crocket, but that was when this was less defined.

AUSTIN: Yeah. You don’t know who the fuck this is. You would know who he is, you’re a veteran, you would know if there was a person who had connections to the South wrestling organizations. And also there is something capital-W Inspectres Weird about him.

ART: Okay.

AUSTIN: And that’s what your vibe is. If you had a little computer, it would start smoking right now. If you recall from Inspectres.

ART: [chuckles] Yeah.

AUSTIN: I think maybe he even makes eyes with you for a moment and then, like, gives you a little nod. Pats Count Faustolfe on the back and then heads back down another side corridor. Hm. So to lay out it out really quickly again in plain English, whoever—this is what this guy says: whoever wins this thing, whoever leaves here with the highest Audience, is going to get a contract to go work at Constitution that immediately is going to become a stepping stone for an “Indie Invasion” angle where a bunch of other indie wrestlers from across the world are brought in as, like, angry indie wrestlers here to show what “real wrestling” is about. And, again, it’s like a kayfabe invasion but, like, you will be the first one fucked over by that. And will not be a cool Heel, you will just be the first person who gets screwed. But only Count Faustolfe knows that part. So.

DRE: I think I also would—like, when Lenny gets back, he would kinda be like “Who is that guy?”

AUSTIN: And Sasquatch is like:

AUSTIN (as Mr. Sasquatch): Yeah, Mr. B….he, um, you know, he’s been around a long time. He’s helped us all out a couple times here and there. He, uh, he’s a real professional, you know, has a lot of contacts. I got stuck in Baltimore one night, he made sure I had a place to stay. I know Ghoul, Ghoul ran into some problems with some bill collectors, he took care of it. You know. Good guy, just a little...always feels like—always feels like you owe him something, you know? Anyway, I’ll deal you back in until it’s time to go.

AUSTIN: Well actually, I think it might be time to go. Because I think the next match is the Consecrated Cage match [chuckles]. What’s this—what’s this setup? Who comes out first? Is it Jake the Jackal and Mantruck first, and then Faustolfe and Mr. Sasquatch?

ART: [sarcastically] What, of course not.

[Austin, Dre, and Ali laugh]

DRE: [chuckles] Yeah. I think that’s right though.

AUSTIN: Okay. So...describe the intro, Count Faustolfe III. Your first official Monster House intro.

DRE: Um, I think it is—it starts as the organ version of, uh…something something Mountain King, I forget the first few words.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh. In the Hall of the Mountain King, yeah.

DRE: In the Hall of the Mountain King. But then it, like, stops and there’s a big drop and then the regular Monster House theme starts playing.

AUSTIN: Mm. Mm-hm.

DRE: And I imagine, like, all of Monster House is coming out for this entrance.

AUSTIN: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. They’re not going to be in the cage, right? So they’re not gonna be in the cell.

DRE: Yeah. It’s just us in the cell.

AUSTIN: Okay.

DRE: But, like, everybody’s coming out. And they’re, you know, they’re doing their thing. Like, Ghoul yells at a kid and gets in their face.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Yep.

DRE: And King Kong is, like, handed a table and breaks it in half himself.

AUSTIN: [laughs] And drops it, but, like, indifferently.

DRE: Yeah [laughs].

AUSTIN: And then is fed a snack because they did a good trick.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Perfect. And you take the—go into the ring. And again, this is a fight that has a bunch of Halloween shit everywhere. Happy Constitution Day, there’s some candy corn on the ground. There’s fake skeletons already on the turnbuckles and one side of the ring stuff—one side of the ring ropes—have fake spiderwebs and shit all set up.

DRE: Great.

ALI: Ooh.

AUSTIN: It’s great, it’s great. And basically, you can just make up whatever Halloween bullshit you want here [Ali laughs]. And also, kendo sticks, occasionally, you know, a kendo stick, a sledgehammer. You know, just wrestling shit, also here. You know, wrestling shit: kendo sticks, sledgehammer...the classics [Art chuckles]. Alright, Jake, what does your and Mantruck’s entrance look like?

ART: I think it’s just like the beginning of Jake’s entrance. And he comes out and stands on the stage because he’s not gonna go down to where all of Monster House is.

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: And then it just transitions into Mantruck’s entrance.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

ART: Which I don’t know if we’ve defined.

AUSTIN: We did. It goes “HONK HONK” [Ali snorts] and then everyone in the arena—in the song—just goes “Mantruck! Mantruck! Mantruck! Mantruck!” That’s it. “HONK HONK”, et cetera.

ART: And I think we, like, have—we do a thing, you know? Like a—I’m doing it now but it’s—this is radio.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

[Ali giggles]

AUSTIN: I can’t see it. We can’t see you, so.

ART: They do, like, the—

DRE: You doing, like, the arm pump for the honk the horn thing? Is that what you’re doing?

ART: No, I think—I think Mantruck and Jake, like, give each other a little dap and then do the “HONK HONK” together.

AUSTIN: Mhmm. Mm-hm. Everyone goes wild; that’s great. That’s fantastic.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: I mean, is that a Work the Audience?

ART: Oh, I mean, yeah, I guess most technically.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Roll your Audience. Roll plus Audience.

ART: Alright.

AUSTIN: Which is two right now?

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Great.

ART: Alright. So it’s a nine.

AUSTIN: That’s a nine, yep. You could spend Momentum to make it a ten. Oh, but that would just even out again.

ART: That would just even it out, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: So I’ll take one Momentum.

AUSTIN: Alright, cool. Um—

ART: Can I edit that?

AUSTIN: You should be able to, can you not? You got it? And, one more time, and your Heat with each other right now?

DRE: I think it’s two?

ART: Three? I have three.

AUSTIN: Okay.

DRE: I have two.

AUSTIN: Okay. That’s possible, based on previous shit. So, you all get in the ring and Monster House backs up as the cage is lowered. And, uh, Jeff “the Clef” Moran, any words about the cage being lowered? The cell? In this Consecrated Cage match?

SYLVIA: [snorts] Alright, hold on, let me get my, uh [clears throat]. I gotta get ready for this.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

ART: Gotta get that Jeff—

SYLVIA: Sorry, what was the, uh—it’s—what was the other commentator’s name again? Ross Rossi, I think?

AUSTIN: Ross Rossi, yeah.

SYLVIA (as Jeff Moran): Listen, Rossi: I’m a proud man but I’m not so proud that I’m not gonna admit when I’m scared, and right now I am terrified. Look at that thing!

SYLVIA: And then—

AUSTIN (as Ross Rossi): I can’t even bear to.

[Dre laughs]

SYLVIA (as Moran): Me neither. But we’ll stare into the dusk, terrified! Good thing we got these monitors here, ‘cause I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to look up all night long.

AUSTIN (as Rossi): I’m gonna look right at the monitors, I’m not gonna look directly at it. The consecration, uh, it risks ruining my eyes, so I’m just gonna look at it secondhand.

AUSTIN: And some priests come down the ring, from St. Michael’s Church in Bluff City [Dre laughs]. And they’re just not—they’re, like, wearing their collars but like the short-sleeve blacks shirts. One of them just has on a cardigan, you know? And, like, “Hey, hey everyone. Great—so glad to be here.” Uh, it’s like, uh, the pastor of St. Michael’s, Pastor Bill or whatever. And they come out and do holy water on the cage, you know? Everyone claps. Yes, it is definitely a roof cage. This is definitely a roof cage, right?

ART: When the—when’s he’s putting the holy water, I’m pointing at Faustolfe and pointing at the holy water and the cage.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: [laughs] Good. Alright. Here’s what I’ll say before we kick off this match. First of all, I think it starts with Faustolfe and Jake in the ring.

DRE:

AUSTIN: Two, let’s try to move a little quicker this match than last time.

[Ali laughs]

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: We got very into the weeds. Let’s try to work through this pretty broadly, but zooming in on moves that really require attention. So, you have control of the match, Jake. Actually, maybe you don’t. I think maybe we start with Faustolfe in control.

DRE: Sure.

AUSTIN: Because I feel is, like—that was the surprise of the earlier match, right? So, Faustolfe. You’re in control of the match. [reading] “Narrate the transition sequences, working with your opponent to fill in the details. When a sequence leads up to a big spot or key move in the ring, narrate the maneuver and roll.” That would be for wrestling, but, you know, let me know if you’re doing something else too.

DRE: Uh—

AUSTIN: And note, we have the tag team match options here and we also have match stipulations “hardcore/violence” available. So.

ART: Oh, do we have the tag team stuff here?

AUSTIN: Yeah, it’s all in the right hand of the screen.

ART: Okay.  

DRE: Yeah. So I think it starts with a—

ART: Oh, it’s with the partner—oh, fuck.

DRE: Oh, sorry, Art.

ART: I’m sorry, I’m just like—the tag matches are all on the Heat with the partner.

AUSTIN: With the partner, yeah.

ART: Which for all of us is just zero, right?

AUSTIN: Yep, mm-hm.

ART: Yeah, mm-hm.

AUSTIN: You’re not a good—you don’t have that Heat. Unlike, for instance, Aqua Illusion and Charlie Cupid.

SYLVIA: Hmmmm.  

[Ali giggles]

DRE: [chuckles] Um, so, I think it starts off pretty slow and basic. Like, there’s probably like the thing where they both clinch for a while and there’s, you know, the shuffling while both of them are trying to go for advantage. I think we break and we trade blows, and I think there’s a spot where Jake gives me a pretty good hit and I kind of back up, and Jake grabs a cross off of the cage and, like, holds it up to Faustolfe. And Faustolfe kind of like at first backs away and like, “Oh no the cross, you’re gonna do it!”

[Austin laughs]

DRE: But then just, like, but then laughs and I think bites the cross, and takes it out of Jake’s hand in his mouth.

[Sylvia laughs]

AUSTIN: Wha—okay.

ALI: Wait, what?

DRE: So just like waves it around—

AUSTIN: Say that again?

DRE: Yeah, no—

ALI: Yeah.

ART: Back up about twenty seconds [laughs].

DRE: Yeah, no, Jake is just, like, holding the cross out like, “Ah, you’re a vampire, this’ll get you,” and then Faustolfe at first is like “Ahh, yeah, no, you got me, this is my weakness!”  but then he’s like “[scoffs] No, it’s not,” and he bites the cross and yanks it out of your hand and, like, spits it onto the floor.

AUSTIN: What is this—

ART: We’re gonna be getting letters.

AUSTIN: Is this a—[laughs] yeah. Is this—what is this? Is this wrestling?

[Sylvia and Dre burst into laughter]

AUSTIN: Is this—

SYLVIA: This is the crowd’s chanting. “Is this wrestling?” [claps]

ART: “Is this wrestling?” [claps]

[Austin, Dre, Sylvia, and Ali laugh]

AUSTIN: I can’t believe I did a pun on “this is wrestling” claps—or chants—and also butterfly meme dude. Is this a pigeon? Is this—is this wrestling? [laughs]

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: God.

DRE: I—yeah, this is obviously working with your opponent to execute an amazing and miser—memorable sequence.

AUSTIN: Miserable? Is that miserable? Is that what that was? Yeah.

DRE: No, it’s miserable and memorable.

AUSTIN: Gotchu. So, what is this though? Is this Look? This is Look.

DRE: Well—

AUSTIN: “Demonstrate your character through action—”

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: “—or otherwise showcase your gimmick.”

DRE: Showcase your gimmick, yeah, okay.

AUSTIN: Yes.

DRE: Hey, my Look’s negative two, what’s good? [laughs]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. I guess I could imagine it being Heat, ‘cause it is—I see what you’re saying, a memorable sequence.

DRE: But no, I think this is the gimmick.

AUSTIN: [overlapping] No, this is Look. This is the gimmick.

DRE: This is the “I’m a vampire, but I’m such a strong vampire that crosses can’t even—”

[Austin laughs]

AUSTIN: [laughing] Give me a roll—

DRE: Yeah, and I have to fucking earn this so, yeah.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. 2d6—

DRE: This is definitely Look.

AUSTIN: [laughing] Yep. 2d6 minus two.

[wild laughter from Dre, Sylvia, and Ali]

AUSTIN: [laughing] He rolled a one! You rolled a three and a one, plus two, minus two...is  a one.

DRE: Yep.

[reading] “On a botch, you get countered, you give one Momentum to your opponent, and they immediately take control of the match. If you have no Momentum, they still gain one.” So you lose a Momentum here, Faustolfe.

DRE: And then Art gets it?

AUSTIN: And Jake gains one. So Jake, you’re up to seven Momentum.

[Dre laughs]

SYLVIA: Jesus.  

ART: Oh, we’re gonna fuck some people up in this match.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

ALI: Is that too many? [laughs]

AUSTIN: Yeah, is there a cap on Momentum?

ART: I don’t know; there’s a cap on Audience.

AUSTIN: There is a cap on Audience [Ali laughs]...it doesn’t say that there is. I don’t—I don't see a cap on Momentum.

DRE: You just got that big Mo’.

ALI: Yeah. They just want to see you hit your finisher.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ALI: The crowd is shaking for it.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: Well, like, we can’t end this match right now; that’d be terrible [Ali laughs].

AUSTIN: No, that’d be a bad one. That’d be a bad one.

ALI: I’m just kidding.

DRE: But.

ART: He bites the cross, I hit my finisher, we’re all going home [laughter from the table]. It was a title match for two people in the ring—

AUSTIN: Time out though. Wait. We could.

DRE: We could.

AUSTIN: We shouldn’t. It’d be an amazing Jobber move [Ali and Dre laugh].

ALI: Yeah, I thought that wasn’t a real suggestion, that was just—

AUSTIN: It’s very funny.

[Ali laughs]    

ART: But just to be quick with the match, I think—‘cause I’m getting control from this, right?

AUSTIN: Yes, you’re getting control.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, absolutely.

ART: We go through some more early hardcore match stuff. Like, you know, some moves can happen but all of the weapon action ends up being, like, fake. Like, you know, someone—you know, Jake gets the kendo stick and goes and Faustolfe dodges and it bounces off the side of the—I guess it would be on the ropes.

AUSTIN: Right. It gets caught in the spiderwebs!.

ART: Yeah, caught in the spiderwebs. He pulls and he can’t get it [Austin laughs]. A whip into the corner but Jake stops before he hits the skeleton [Austin laughs]. And we, like—we build towards what is the first weapon spot, which is, you know, after like a, you know—Jake hits a power slam and he takes one of the trick or treat pumpkins and he puts it on Faustolfe’s head.

DRE: Good.

[Ali laughs]

ART: And then does a running drop kick into, you know, like a ground kick onto the—

AUSTIN: Yeah. Alright give me a—is that a wrestling move? That sounds like a wrestling move.

ART: That’s probably Work or hardcore/violence but I don’t really think that this counts as “violence”.

DRE: No.

AUSTIN: No.

DRE: It’s just a regular wrestling move and I happen to have a thing on my head.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: [laughing] It’s pretty easy to gimmick kicking someone with a pumpkin on their head.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Yeah. If you were—if you gave me a little more gimmick-y thing, I think we could do hardcore. But I think what you’re talking about at this point is still just wrestling—

ART: We’re getting—I’m building, I’m building!

AUSTIN: Yeah, I get you. Whooo, you sure are with a twelve!

ALI: [through yawn] Wow.

AUSTIN: “You hit it great. Retain control and pick one: either two Momentum or plus one Heat with your opponent.”

ART: I’ll take Heat with my opponent.

AUSTIN: Which raises your Heat to?

ART: To four.  

AUSTIN: Alright, so if you finish this match with four Heat, you will get an Audience point from this. Which is great.

ART: Uh, and I think at that point, I guess—because the tag match I wanted to be a little more, you know, conversational, like if you think it’s time for a tag, tell me.

AUSTIN: It’s probably time for a tag—well, mm. I feel like Mantruck—

ART: I was gonna be like a tag, but if you think—oh, do you think we should—we could wait for a hot tag to Man—

AUSTIN: I think you have to wait for a hot t—we could just set up what a hot tag could look like, right?

ART: Sure. But like, we could get Mantruck in for a minute and then tag back out and then we could set up the hot tag.

AUSTIN: Whichever is fine [chuckles]. This isn’t a real match.

ART: Alright. So we get Mantruck in for a minute, like, and the crowd starts to build, you know?

AUSTIN: Right. [chanting] “Mantruck, Mantruck.”

ART: [overlapping] “Mantruck, Mantruck!”

AUSTIN: Right, yeah, uh-huh.

ART: There are designated people in each section who do the “Man” and everyone else does “Truck”.

[Austin laughs]

ART: And he comes in, he’s a house of fire, he throws Faustolfe into the corner, he hits the skeleton and he sells that big, he does the running charge, like, but he does the “HONK HONK”—

AUSTIN: Yeah, the “HONK HONK”, yeah. Yeah.

ART: —the corner splash and he tosses Faustolfe out the ring and he goes and he clubs Sasquatch, and Sasquatch goes out on the floor, and there’s, like, brief four-person melee in between the ring and the cell.  

AUSTIN: There’s no count-outs, obviously.

ART: No, yeah.

AUSTIN: So this is just a whole wild thing, yeah.

ART: And we get back into it and, you know, it gets back into the ring and somewhere in here, Sasquatch becomes the person in the ring, there wasn’t a tag but, like, in a match like this, the refs can kind of lose track of that.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.

ART: It’s Sasquatch’s turn to be in the ring and just no one did their—did it right.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh [Ali laughs].

ART: And Mantruck gets in and does a Gorilla press slam and he’s like “Yeahhh!” he tags Jake back in, and Jake grabs this—uh—in the five seconds that Jake and Truck are allowed to be in the ring together, Jake gives Mantruck the sledgehammer and gestures that he should hit Sasquatch with it. But what Mantruck does that’s interesting is—you know how, like, when AAA chooses a sledgehammer he does—he just, like—

AUSTIN: He pokes you with the hammer.

ART: He pokes you with it, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it’s like a jabbing weapon and he chokes it up all the way to the hammer. So it’s just like a—it’s like a shuffle. He, like, shuffles [Ali laughs] the hammer into your side or whatever.

ART: Yeah, there’s a wrestling trope of the punch with the roll full of quarters and I can’t believe the way AAA uses a sledgehammer, it hurts more than that.

AUSTIN: [laughs] Right.

ART: Um, but Mantruck swings the thing.

[Austin laughs]

DRE: Oh no!

ART: He,s driving in the spikes on the railroad and Sasquatch moves out of the way and Jake’s like “Oh—”; Jake’s like “Yeah!” but really is like “Get out of the ring”.

[Dre and Austin laugh]

ART: “That’s not how we do that in here.” And Jake goes and puts—and tries to get a rest hold in to, like—because Sasquatch is probably like [heavy, panicked breathing].

AUSTIN: [laughs] Right, yeah.

ART: So he puts him in a leg grapevine and tries to talk him, like, “Okay, yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen [Dre laughs] but we’re gonna get through this.” And I think that’s Work.

AUSTIN: Okay, yeah. Give me the roll. What is your Work?

ART: One.

AUSTIN: Ooh, and that is an eight total.

ART: That is an eight.

AUSTIN: So, on a seven to nine [reading] “You hit it pretty well. Pick one: retain control and transition to the next sequence or give your opponent control and plus one Momentum.”

ART: I mean, I just wanna give up control because I feel like that’s where we’re at.

AUSTIN: Yeah, me too. I agree.

ART: So I’ll take a Momentum, take a drink.

DRE: Good Lord, eight Momentum.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it’s wild. Is this—is this hot tag territory now? Because we have—we’ve seen Mr. Sasquatch get beat up so bad? Uh, almost—

DRE: I think so, yeah.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: What’s that look like?

DRE: Um—what hold did you have him in?

ART: Just a leg grapevine, it’s just like a very basic leghold. It was just the basic hold ‘cause all he was doing was like “Yeah, fuckin’ Truck went crazy on that one, but we’re fine, we’re gonna finish the match.”

DRE: [chuckles] “We’re cool, it’s all good.” So he does the thing where, like, you know, he hits you once and you keep holding the hold and he’s like, you know, gasping and crawling and kind of hits you again, and finally breaks loose enough to barely—to do the very quick belly crawl over to his corner and tags Faustolfe back in.

AUSTIN: Alright, give me a Hot Tag roll. [reading] “When you have control of the match—”

DRE: Which is just—

AUSTIN: It’s gonna be plus zeeero, I guess?

DRE: Yeah, just straight up 2d6?

AUSTIN: You don’t have Heat with the—yeah, I don’t think you have Heat with them, right?

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, so 2d6.

ART: Yeah, in a longer thing you would develop Heat with your tag team partner, right?

AUSTIN:Yes.

DRE: Right.

AUSTIN: Yes, exactly.

DRE: Okay.

AUSTIN: That’s a six.

DRE: Buddy.

AUSTIN: You have Momentum. [Dre sighs] You can spend that Momentum. [reading] “On a botch, the other team interferes, blocks the tag, and isolates your legal wrestler in the corner. The legal wrestler from their team gains control and you give them one Momentum.” So [chuckles] you’re gonna lose a Momentum here if you don’t spend it.

DRE: Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and spend it.

AUSTIN: Alright.

DRE: ‘Cause it’s—

AUSTIN: So on a seven to nine: “The tag is made. The new legal wrestler on your team gains one Momentum from their teammate—” which, just take one here “—and takes or retains control of the match.” So you get to stay in control.

DRE: Okay.

ART:Oh, because then like if we were both—if they were both player characters, the Momentum would pass?

AUSTIN: Yes.

ART: Okay, I get it.

AUSTIN: Yeah, exactly.

DRE: Alright. So basically—

AUSTIN: So Faustolfe—yeah?

DRE: I spent a mo—a Momentum to just get one back.

AUSTIN: To get one back, yeah. And to maintain control. And to get Faustolfe in the ring.

DRE: Right. But I do think—I think we are getting close to the point here where we’re probably getting closer to the end of the match. So I think Faustolfe does come in and get some good offense in on Jake. But I think kind of the way the match goes down is that, like, Faustolfe gets some good offense in on Jake, and I think he hits Jake with a DDT or something.

AUSTIN: Okay.

DRE: And then, like, and goes to basically taunt Mantruck in the corner.

AUSTIN: Great.

DRE: And Mantruck is not having it and just basically hits Faustolfe over the head.

AUSTIN: [snorts] Good.

DRE: And Faustolfe is very woozy. And I think that’s the opening for Jake’s finisher.

AUSTIN: Jake.

ART: Wait—

AUSTIN: Yeah, you were booked to win, Jake.

ART: What’s Mantruck’s finisher?

AUSTIN: Um—

ART: I want to see if I can stitch together a quick tag team finisher here.

AUSTIN: Wait, what’s your finisher?

ART: My finisher is the “Weight of the Heart” which is an inverted pendulum backbreaker. Which I do not know is a move that you can do in real life, so do not try it at home.

AUSTIN: [typing] Inverted pendulum—wait, what was it? Pendulum backbreaker?

ART: A pendulum backbreaker.

AUSTIN: Alright. Let me look here in this video of—okay, so I know what a pendulum—okay, a pendulum backbreaker is that backbreaker that the Triple H does. What is an inverted pendulum backbreaker?

[Ali laughs]

ART: That would be hitting on the chest instead of the back.

AUSTIN: Oh, that’s brutal!

DRE: That’s rough.

ART: Yeah, and I know the way you take a backbreaker safely is your legs hit before your back hits the knee.

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: I don’t know how you do it...forward [snorts].

SYLVIA: I—

DRE: Well, if you want Mantruck to have the finisher, I think the way it goes is that you scoop me up and Sasquatch runs in to try and break that up, and then Mantruck hits his finisher on Sasquatch to allow you to hit me.

AUSTIN: Right. It’s a spear, right? It’s a spear, it’s a gore, it’s a—it’s a gore. It’s more a gore than a spear.

ART: Alright, I like that. So I’ll hit my finisher on Faustolfe.

DRE: Do you mean—do you mean the runaway eighteen-wheeler, Austin?

AUSTIN: Yeah, sorry, I mean the runaway. Yeah, that’s it. Is there another word for ‘runaway’? Or like, crash...pileup…

DRE: Oh, the pileup is good.

ART: Jackknife, but Diesel used it—

AUSTIN: That’s already a thing, yeah.

DRE: Cut the brakes, brakes are out...I don’t know. Runaway train?

ART: What’s the name of that—you ever see those things like—it’s like if your truck is run—it’s like a runaway lane.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, totally.

ART: It’s like a field that trucks can runaway on.

AUSTIN: Yes.

DRE: Yeah, yeah.

AUSTIN: I was born in northeastern Pennsylvania. Very mountainous. And so I’m from a place called Wilkes-Barre, and there’s a place near there called Bear Creek. Different spellings of ‘bear’ in both of those. And Bear Creek is this—like, wild, winding roads going straight down this mountain, and if your brakes go out there are side roads to get into, if you’re a big truck, that take you back up the mountain so that you will naturally slow down.

DRE: Is it Wilkes-‘Berry’ not Wilkes-‘Bar’?

AUSTIN: It’s Wilkes-‘Berry’, is the way people there say it, but I say Wilkes-‘Bear’. And, like, my mom says Wilkes-‘Bear’. But ‘Berry’ is the way people—it’s like ‘borough’, is what it means, but—

ART: There are ones between here and Vegas and they don’t have, like, the—‘cause it’s just bigger mountains.

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: And so they’re just, like, little lanes and then a few hundred yards down that other lane there’s just this big dirt mountain.

AUSTIN: Jesus.

ART: I’ve always wondered, like, if you have that kind of speed, you’re just gonna fucking jump that. Like, I want to see a video of that working, but I don’t.

AUSTIN: Right. Right. Anyway, it’s a gore. It’s like a Rhyno gore. Look up “Rhyno gore” and then you’ll see.

ART: Alright.

AUSTIN: No—mm. Rhyno with a “Y”.

ART: Yeah, R-H-Y-N-O.

AUSTIN: R-H-Y-N-O gore. Not a real—don’t actually look at rhinos goring people. But Rhyno does a really good one of these. It’s like a football tackle. Anyway.

DRE: Yeah.

ART: So anyway, I’ll hit—I’ll roll my finisher and then I’ll narrate what I want the finishing sequence to look like.

AUSTIN: Yes. Give me your finisher. How’s your finisher work?

ART: So that’s just 2d6.

AUSTIN: What’s—is that what it is? Veteran is?

ART: I think it's just roll 2d6.

AUSTIN: Yeah, it is. Okay. But you have all this Momentum, so [chuckles].

ART: Yeah, I think I’m gonna hit it.

AUSTIN: Okay [laughs].

ART: ...That’s a five.

AUSTIN: [reading] “When you’re booked to win a match, roll 2d6. On a ten plus, you hit your finisher clean. Choose whether you or your opponent gains plus one Audience. On a seven to nine, they make you work for it. Choose ‘you use your veteran skills to force a win, and gain one Heat with them’ or ‘You let them look strong in defeat; they gain one Audience’.”

ART: Um, I’m just gonna spend five Momentum.

AUSTIN: Okay.

ART: And that’s a ten.

DRE: Wait. You don’t have to—is it you just spend two to move it up, right?

AUSTIN: No, no, no. Momentum is one-for-one per point.

DRE: Ohh, okay.

AUSTIN: The thing you’re thinking of is that the Announcer can sell a move for you.

DRE: Thaaat’s right.

AUSTIN: Can spend—once per match can be like “Oh, that’s actually good! That looked good actually. Now it’s better.”

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: And that moves up by category type.

DRE: And I get to do a roll here too, as the Jobber.  

AUSTIN: Oh, do you? Okay.

DRE: Yeah, I have a move called Do the Job.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

DRE: ‘Cause I’m always booked to lose my matches. And when my opponent pins me for the win, I roll 2d6. And it’s basically like how good do I make them look when they beat me.

AUSTIN: Gotcha. So, real quick, you're spending five here, Jake?

ART: Yeah. So I’m gonna hit the finish, and while I’m doing the pin—

AUSTIN: Mm-hm?

ART: Did you see that—this was right after Wrestlemania one of these recent years, Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns were in a tag match together. And Bray Wyatt was pinning someone and the other person was, like, running in, and Bray Wyatt wasn’t looking and did a finger-gun.

AUSTIN: Oh, that’s such a good—oh my God.  

ART: —and when he did the gun, Roman Reigns did the spear.

DRE: Oh, that was so good.

ALI: Oh yeah.

ART: And I want that exact sequence here [chuckles].

AUSTIN: Yes, that is so—oh, so you’re doing that with—so—

ART: With Mantruck.

AUSTIN: With Mantruck.

ART: So Mantruck will hit the spear on Sasquatch.

AUSTIN: On Sasquatch. And then—so what are you—what is the mechanical bonus here? Who is getting what? You’re gaining one Audience?

ART: Yeah, I’m gonna take one Audience ‘cause that’s fucking awesome; everyone loved that part.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: That part—that was such a good part.

DRE: That was so good.

SYLVIA: Listen.

AUSTIN: Like, boom. Oh, it’s so good. Alright. And so then, Faustolfe?

DRE: Yeah, so I gotta do my roll now.

AUSTIN: Yes.

DRE: Uh, it’s just straight up 2d6…

AUSTIN: If you just search for “Bray Wyatt Roman Reigns GIF,” you will see this thing we’re talking about.

[Ali laughs]

ART: It was awesome and then Roman Reigns immediately got hurt—Bray Wyatt immediately got hurt and that whole push he would have got in there was dashed.

DRE: Yeah...

AUSTIN: Yeah. Welcome to Bray Wyatt. Tell me about Do the Job, Dre. What’d you roll?

DRE: I rolled a seven. So on a seven to nine, I do okay. I either gain one Momentum or plus one Heat with my opponent, my choice. I think I’m gonna take the Momentum.

ART: Yeah, I think we’re maxed. I don’t think we can get higher.

AUSTIN: Wait, you both have four Heat with each other?

ART: Yeah.

DRE: No, I’m only at two, he’s at four.

AUSTIN: Okay. Then yeah, go for it. Cool. Um, so this does mean, though, you’re gonna get another Audience here, Jake.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: You’re all the way over right now. You’re at four Audience. Like—

ART: Push Jake.

AUSTIN: Push Jake. Everyone is on their feet. Everyone is, like, consecrating the cage with water and beer.

[Ali and Dre laugh]

AUSTIN: They’re, like, throwing water—not the whole can, just, like, they’re spraying—you know what I mean?

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: They’re taking the caps off their water bottles and water, just water, is flying into the ring. And also beer and soda; it’s bad, they shouldn’t do this. Don’t do this.

ART: Uh, I think—

AUSTIN: But that is—Ross Rossi is like:

        AUSTIN (as Rossi): They’re consecrating the cage!

SYLVIA (as Moran): Aw, come on, people still have to wrestle in there! That’s a waste of good beer! [Austin laughs]

ART: I think Jake and Truck get up on opposite turnbuckles and yell at the other members of Monster House to try and get them to run away—

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: —and they’re, like, pounding their chests and raising weapons and all of that good shit.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Yeah.

DRE: I think, like, right after the pin happens and before you guys are celebrating, I think Lenny takes a second to whisper to Jake and be like:

DRE (as Lenny): Jake, don’t sign the deal. If you get the deal, don’t sign the deal tonight.

ART (as Jake): [dismissively] Uh, sure, kid. Sure, yeah.

[Austin laughs]

AUSTIN: Aw, he tried. That’s really good. Alright, and so the—

ART: I mean, I’m not saying I’m not listening! I’ve got a job to do. I’ve gotta threaten some people!

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Monster House gets scared, the cages come up—or the cage comes up—and they run in, they grab Faustolfe and Sasquatch and retreat into the backstage. I think we do get a shot of Mr. B watching from the—I think in the crowd you see Mr. B, Cedric the Entertainer in a white suit with a white hat, just lock eyes with you for a second, Jake. And it feels like your soul is at stake [chuckles]. Just for a second. And, you know, maybe you ose eye contact and then he’s gone.

ART: Is this gonna—are we doing an InSpectres crossover?

AUSTIN: Yeah, what? It’s Bluff City?

[Ali and Art laugh]

ART: No, I mean right now? We have everyone on the call, should we just—

AUSTIN: Oh, we do [laughter from the table]. I did think about saying are Syd and, uh, Chris? Is that right?

ALI: No, Chris was the other one.

AUSTIN: Chris was noir, Noirlandia. Fuck, what was—Al—not Alyssa...

ALI: Alexa Baker.

AUSTIN: Alexa, Alexa Baker. I have—I mean, look, one second, give me two seconds. Boop. Alright, so, Alexa Baker—

[Ali laughs]

SYLVIA: [softly] Oh, Jesus.

ART: If we’re feeling really fanservice-y, we could do a—we could put in a call here, right?

AUSTIN: What’s that look like?

ART: Well, it’s like Jake goes back into the back—I think in the back, and I think because it’s most thematic, just picks up a payphone.

AUSTIN: Right, yeah.

ART: And calls the office.

[Ali chuckles]

AUSTIN: Yeah. And we just get him saying “Something weird’s going on?”

ART: Yes. Who’s on the other—who am I talking to? Who am I on the line with? [laughs]

        ALI (as Alexa Baker): Jake, oh my God, I thought you were wrestling tonight!

[Austin laughs]

        ART (as Jake): Yeah.

        ALI (as Alexa): There’s ghosts at the arena?!

[Austin laughs]

        ART (as Jake): I think there’s a ghost at the arena.

        ALI (as Alexa): Jake! How’s the wrestling?!

[Dre laughs]

        ART (as Jake): Really good, I had a really good time out there.

        ALI (as Alexa): Aw, I knew you would.

ART (as Jake): Ah, thank you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t get you guys comps for tonight but they’re being really stingy.

ALI (as Alexa): Oh, we all know that Shaw wouldn’t give you those tickets. He’s such an asshole.

ART (as Jake): He’s such an asshole!

[Ali and Austin laugh]

ALI (as Alexa): Well Jake, you know we have a team out right now checking out, you know, some of the dolls at a K-Mart on the other side of town. But, uh, I can get there as soon as—

[Dre and Austin laugh]

ART (as Jake): I think I heard about that! [Ali laughs] Alright, just—I don’t know that it’s an emergency, but if you got a chance, send someone down. And I’ll try to swing by next weekend. I think I owe you guys some pizzas.

ALI (as Alexa): Yeah, yeah, you know we’re having a company barbeque at the end of next month; you’re coming, right?

ART (as Jake): Absolutely.

ALI (as Alexa): It’s a potluck! What’re you bringing?

ART (as Jake): Um, wings.

[laughter from the table]

        ALI (as Alexa): Well, they better be spicy. See you later, Jake!

        ART (as Jake):You know it. Bye.

DRE: That’s a good guest to invite to your potluck.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: “What’re you bringing?” “Wings” “Alright, hell yeah!”

DRE: Hell yeah.

[Ali keeps laughing]

AUSTIN: Thank you.

ART: I think Jake makes a good wing.  

AUSTIN: Yeah, I bet. I bet. I assumed he was just gonna pick them up from somewhere, I’m not gonna lie.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: You know what? But you’re right. I do think he—you’re right; I like that a lot. That he—

DRE: Jake’s got a smoker.

AUSTIN: Yeah, he’s got a smoker. He has a number of wing recipes. He has a whole wing recipe—a number of wing recipes.

ART: Yeah, Jake’s house is weird, but he’s got a smoker.

[Ali and Austin laugh]

AUSTIN: We’ll get there, we’ll get there. One game at a time. Alright—

DRE: Austin, at some point can I please play a person who owns a barbeque restaurant in Bluff City?

AUSTIN: A thousand percent yes.

DRE: Okay, good, thank you.

AUSTIN: Start—start working on their name now.

DRE: [laughs] Don’t worry.

AUSTIN: Yeah Um, alright, so I think—

ART: Sam Smoke.

AUSTIN: [snorts] Great. Two things happen here. One: the previous—oh no, I guess this is it. There’s not two things. I was gonna say that because this other match is happening now, the Protocol open challenge doesn’t happen. But it does now, because it’s all—it’s one big match. I forgot that I it was one big match [Ali laughs]. I need to figure out who the fuck his partner is. Who is Blackjack’s partner? Any suggestions?

ART: Do you have a wrestler list you can show us?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I do. I can walk through the list of people we’ve already talked about. So we know it’s not Tekno—TeknoTeam 2000 is a real one.

[laughter and snorts from the table]

AUSTIN: It’s not the Protocol, we know that. We know it’s not Dione—well, I guess it could be Dione Gabbreau who is the actress who—she’s, like, increasingly in my mind very much like “What if the Rock had also been an actual MMA fighter before becoming a star?”

ALI: Mm.

AUSTIN: So she’s an MMA fighter who’s also dipping her toes into wrestling, pro wrestling, and also was in Action Movie World as the lead character. The lead actress in that movie.

ART: Like what if Ronda Rousey was a good actor?

AUSTIN: Or good?

ALI: Yeah.

DRE: Or, like, not a shit person.

AUSTIN: Not a shit person, yeah, exactly.  

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Um, there is—

ART: Also, you can be a shit person and be an actor and MMA fighter, I’m just saying.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Yeah, true. Dione Gabbreau’s cool, though. Dione Gabbreau’s also a local, so that might actually be a good fit here. Simeon Shaw, who is obviously the leader of the House. Chet, who is blonde hair, suit too big, also a member of the house. Bingo, which it says here “underneath suit has an old-fashioned strongman one piece.” Beaches, “like a surfer guy, you know?” Taffy, Bluff City Boardwalk champion and is always chewing gum, even though taffy isn’t gum, and has a baseball bat. Mantruck. The members of Monster House, again: Mr. Sasquatch; Illa Zilla; King Kong, an actual ape; Loch Ness; Goblin—not Loch Ness, sorry, no Loch Ness, I have to scratch that out—Goblin; and Ghoul. Sweet Belle Moran, who is Jeff Moran’s little brother. Kansas City Kate and Kansas City Ken, who’s just a manager. Um, and that’s all the ones I have written down here. Uh, I also have written down here “Syd Ruiz does some camera work.” So [Ali laughs] Syd is already in the building. We could invent a new wrestler who could have always been there though.

ART: But Blackjack is not affiliated with a faction?

AUSTIN: No. No. Blackjack is like the Steve Austin. Or like the—Blackjack is like what if the WWE decided to lean into Pipebomb CM Punk, who calls—

ART: This is Face or a Heel?

AUSTIN: Face, Face. Antihero. Antihero Face.

ART: Alright. Um—

AUSTIN: I think local—I kind of like Dione Gabbreau here. Because Dione is from Bluff City, had her match interfered with by the Protocol. I think this makes sense; it’s Dione. Her match was interfered with by the Protocol which meant that she couldn’t win her belt. And we get Blackjack offering it to her; we’re not gonna zoom in on this promo but, you know, he cuts a promo where he kind of goes through the list of all the people. He goes:

AUSTIN (as Blackjack): I could call out that guy who’s basically just a surfer; you know, Chet. Sorry, Beaches, I get all their names confused. I could call Mantruck; we’ve seen how dangerous he is…

AUSTIN: Goes through the whole list. But then does like the very Springsteen-y—

AUSTIN (as Blackjack): The thing about having a hometown is, you know, it’s—you might hate it, but you gotta respect it.

AUSTIN: Or something. And then calls out Dione Gabbreau. And Dione is given the opportunity. And he’s like, “But remember, I get the pin.” And she’s like “We’ll see what happens.” And so that is what it’s gonna be. It’s Dione Gabbreau and Blackjack. Up against the Protocol, S99 and TKTK, and then the tag team duo of Charlie Cupid and Aqua Illusion. I think the Protocol comes out first; the lights go out, the music kicks in. I have a very important, a very important update. Which is, last time I said that their theme music was Computers by Heems. I was wrong.

[Ali and Art chuckle]

ALI: Oh.

ART: Oh.

DRE: Oh.

AUSTIN: Because. What I actually meant was that their intro music is Jason Bourne by Heems.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Because that is the one that opens with him going. “Aha! Be-de-be type type type type be-de-be-de.” And then he goes “Hacking the mainframe, hacking the mainframe, be-de-be-de type type type, I’m hacking the mainframe.” And that is—that is actually what it is. So. He then also says “Yo, it’s spy versus spy, turn around, put a motherfuckin’ bullet in your eye [Ali laughs]. I don’t know my name, they found me in the sea.” It’s a song about Jason Bourne, just to be clear. That is what this song is. It’s very good.

Alright, anyway. So they come out, and “Booooo, boooo, booooo.” And they go into the ring, it’s like a whole light show with—they make it look like people have their cellphones out [Ali laughs]. Like, that’s what their lighting thing looks like, to make it look like the people are all like “Yeah!” and that their cellphones are all blinking. But it’s not; it’s just LEDs that are planted around the Promenade arena. And everyone’s like “Boooo! I’m not holding my phone at all! Boooo! That’s bullshit! Fake news!” [Ali chortles] And that is—they come out and so then I guess y’all probably come out next. Aqua Illusion and Charlie Cupid. What is your entrance like? [chuckles]

SYLVIA: Hm.

ALI: Um, I want us to do the thing of, like, one of us comes out to our music and waits.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

ALI: And then the other music hits and we walk to the ring together.

SYLVIA: Okay.

ALI: [laughs] Just ‘cause that’s fun.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

ALI: And I think maybe—I think maybe Charlie comes out second so your song plays but my stage show ocean lighting is going on [laughs].

SYLVIA: Perfect.

AUSTIN: God, that’s very good. What are your two songs like again? Well, okay [Ali laughs]. I remember Aqua Illusion’s.

SYLVIA: So. I’ve been thinking about this. So I wrote down, like, one of the basic descriptors, I think, which is “loud and overblown” or something.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: I figured out what it is. So WCW used to rip off—

AUSTIN: Oh my God. Thank you.

SYLVIA: —songs like Smells like Teen Spirit and stuff.

AUSTIN: Yes, they did this a lot.

[Ali laughs]

SYLVIA: Yeah. By changing, like, one chord.

AUSTIN: They did this a lot. They did so—they did Pearl Jam songs, they did Nirvana songs. They did, like—it was bad. Have you heard these, Ali?

ART: They change it on the WWE network.

ALI: [laughing] No.

DRE: I gotta listen—

AUSTIN: Oh my God, have you not? One second.

SYLVIA: They did a segment once on MTV once with Dave Grohl and then DDP’s music played, I think.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

SYLVIA: And he looked like, “What the—what? What the fuck?” ‘Cause he’s like, “Wait, I wrote this song.”

[Ali laughs]

ART: Yeah, Diamond Dallas Page’s is the best.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna link it in the chat.

SYLVIA: But this is the equivalent of that, but with Call Me by Blondie.

AUSTIN: Oh my God! That's so good.

ALI: Okay. Yeah.

AUSTIN: I need everyone to listen to this.

ALI: Oh, I hate this.

DRE: Oh my God!

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

SYLVIA: It’s—

AUSTIN: Just wait, ‘cause there’s more of this.

ART: Also it’s called Self High-Five?

AUSTIN: It’s called Self High-Five. Which is what he calls, like, his hand signal, is the self high-five.

DRE: Oh my God.

SYLVIA: I think Raven had a Pearl Jam song?

AUSTIN: I think Raven’s is Evenflow.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: ‘Cause that’s the name of his—that was the name of his—

SYLVIA: His DDT.

AUSTIN: His DDT. Right.

SYLVIA: The Evenflow DDT, yeah.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna link it.

DRE: This is just that song.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

ALI: Oh boy.  

DRE: Holy shit.

ALI: Oh wow.

AUSTIN: There’s a third one of these too.

DRE: Like, it has all the same breakdowns and everything.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

SYLVIA: Yeah, Jimmy Hart was good at this.

[Ali chuckles]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Oh, and then, and then, and then: Jericho’s is another one.

ALI: Oh wow.

AUSTIN: Oh so wait, is Jericho’s—Jericho’s is Evenflow. Raven’s is Come As You Are.

SYLVIA: Yes!

DRE: Yeah, I was about to say, I’m listening to it now and it’s definitely Come As You Are.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

SYLVIA: Oh.

ALI: Young Jericho’s so hot.

AUSTIN: Yo, uh-huh.

SYLVIA: He is—

DRE: Uh-huh.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Young Jericho is extremely hot. There’s a lot of these. There’s so many of these. It’s really upsetting.

ALI: [laughing] Okay.

AUSTIN: There’s like a whole list, I can’t go through all of them

ALI: Oh my God, his little ponytail. Okay.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Yeah, no, he’s—yes. Do y’all come down to the ring together?

ALI: Yeah, I think so.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Who’s starting?

ALI: Do you think that we also bought a pair [laughs] of matching sunglasses?

AUSTIN: Oh, that’s very funny.

SYLVIA: Oh my God.

ART: Wait, what’s the champion’s entrance like?

AUSTIN: We’ll get there. I just want to know who’s gonna be in for them first. But also did you—also if they bought a pair of matching sunglasses.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: From like a 99-cent—from like the sort of store I sent y’all pictures of.

[Ali giggles]

AUSTIN: From the boardwalk—like a boardwalk tourist airbrushed T-shirt shop.

ALI: Yes.  

SYLVIA: [laughing] Anyone else have cool shades?

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Oh, that’s very good.

DRE: What if they’re from a local business or something that has a big logo or name printed on the side?

AUSTIN: That would be very good too.

ALI: [laughing] We just got someone from backstage to be like, “Hey can you run to 7-Eleven really quick?”

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: “Can you get some that look like hearts but also have fish on them?”

ALI: “Here’s five dollars. Get me two pairs of sunglasses [Austin laughs] and one paint pen and we’ll figure it out.” [laughs]

DRE: “Also a Slurpee with the leftover change.”

[Austin and Ali laugh]

AUSTIN: God. Alright, so the champion—I think we get the other version of this. Which is Dione comes out, by herself, and walks to the ring and stands by side—stands on her side of the ring. And then Blackjack comes out. And Blackjack is just the same thing as—no, I think maybe Blackjack actually—mm. Could Promenade license a Bruce Springsteen song? Who—

ART: Well that’s the fuckin’ question.

AUSTIN: Right.

DRE: Could they just change a chord from a Bruce Springsteen song? [laughs]

AUSTIN: Riiight.

ALI: No, that’s disrespectful.

AUSTIN: It’s too disrespectful. I think the character—the thing is, Bruce Springsteen’s Atlantic City doesn’t exist in this world, does it?

ART: Oh, I guess not. That’s a shame; that’s a good song.

AUSTIN: It is. And it’s hard to map the lyrics just over to “Bluff City.” I didn’t think through this.

ART: [singing] Give me a ride to Bluuuuff City.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Yeah. [singing] Meet me tonight in Bluuuuff City. I think it works! That’s what it is. I think it’s like a hard rock cover to Atlantic City but Bluff City, by Bruce Springsteen.

ART: Well, it probably, right? It’s not like an empty—the arena’s quiet and then it’s [singing] Blew up a chicken man in Philly last night. Like, that’s not how we want to come into this, right?

AUSTIN: Maybe it is. No one knows what that means, but it’s evocative [snorts].

ART: Gets the people going.

AUSTIN: [laughing] It gets the people going, exactly. Mm-hm. One Song Only, you can follow us.

[Ali laughs]

ART: Or watch the movie Blades of Glory.

AUSTIN: Or—yeah, maybe that’s all we’re referencing. I mean maybe we’re just being stupid—or foolish—and Born to Run is just the easier one. Because it starts with, like those drums.

ART: It starts with—yeah.

AUSTIN: I think it’s just Born to Run.

ART: That saxophone.

AUSTIN: It’s Born to Run. That’s a good song.

ALI: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: [quietly] It’s a very good song.

AUSTIN: It’s Born to Run. So that hits. The crowd goes wild. Not as wild as they went for the end of that last match [laughs]. I think the end of the last match definitely did end with everyone clapping “Is this wrestling?” and being very excited about it. Um [laughs]. They never converted over to “This is wrestling”, it stayed “Is this” but they are very excited. But now they’re on their feet; they’re very happy to see Blackjack. But, uh, not as into it as they could be. But he does have the belt on and that gives him a little bit of extra Audience push. And, um, he comes into the ring. And I actually think he tells Dione to go in first. He’s gonna wait. He’s not gonna be the active wrestler to start. So, it’s Dione, it’s TKTK, which is the one who is the R2D2—which one of you is the C3PO, which one of you is the R2D2 [Ali laughs]. They are the R2D2. And then who is it between you two?

SYLVIA: I’m comfortable either way.

ALI: [laughs] Okay, do you want to go first?

SYLVIA: I can go first if you’d prefer.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay. So then, second thing: Art or Dre, which one of you wants to be the announcer in this match?

DRE: Oh boy.

ART: If you want to do it, you can do it. I’ve had a lot of oxygen this—

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, Dre, how about you be the announcer here?

DRE: I’m down for it.

AUSTIN: Alright, so the thing to remember is you have a specific ability which is “You can put over the wrestlers whenever you feel like an action needs a boost. You can put over each wrestler once per match. To put a wrestler over, the announcer recaps something they just did in the most glowing light. This bumps the wrestler’s die up to the next result level: from a botch to a partial hit or from a partial hit to a full hit. The announcer should generally wait to see what the player rolls before deciding whether to put them over or not. There’s often some negotiation on a failed roll between whether the wrestler wants to spend Momentum or whether the announcer should put them over. This is fine; just remember that the announcer can only put over each wrestler once per match.”

You can also—y’all can both be—we could have—maybe we even get—if you—if Jake wants to be there as a special commentator, you can be there. You just can’t put people over.

ART: Sure. I was also gonna ask if I could just be the other announcer.

AUSTIN: Yeah, you can be Ross Rossi, absolutely.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Absolutely you can be.

ART: Give me Ross Rossi again. Give me just a hit of Ross Rossi.

AUSTIN: Ross Rossi is a little Harry Caray and a little, um, dude I fuckin’ hate who used to have a show with Stephen A. Smith.

DRE: Oh, Skip Bayless.

AUSTIN: Skip, Skip. A little Skip Bayless.

ART: Alright, got it.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

DRE: You should still hate Skip Bayless.

AUSTIN: I do hate Skip Bayless. I used to—so I used to work at Giant Bomb, and Skip Bayless’s show was just on above me all the time [Ali chuckles] because we were CBS interactive and they just kept—I mean, he wasn’t part of CBS but for whatever reason, the TVs always had Skip Bayless on all throughout our office. And I don’t know who loved Skip Bayless and I don’t know how he was on TV for all the time I looked at TVs but he was always on TV. Urgh. Anyway.

ART: So it’s harder to hate him as much now that you’re just off—

AUSTIN: Right, now I just don’t see him as often, exactly. Exactly.

ART: Mhm.

AUSTIN: Which I’m happy with. Anyway. So, who starts out in the ring? Sylvia? You are?

SYLVIA: Yes.

AUSTIN: Alright. So, you have control of the match right now.

SYLVIA: [exhales] Okay.

AUSTIN: What’s this look like?

[Sylvia laughs]

AUSTIN: Also, we should clarify. Is this a triple threat match or is this an elimination match?

SYLIVA: Ohh.

ART: It’s more exciting if it’s a triple threat match.

AUSTIN: Yeah, agreed.

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: You have a case for the other?

SYLVIA: No, no, no. I’m just thinking into my head, how do I start this with three people in the ring.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Okay. Yeah.

SYLVIA: ‘Cause I take wrestling too seriously.

AUSTIN: You take it exactly as seriously as we need right now.

SYLVIA: Um, I think it’s—[sighs]. So I think it starts with Charlie kind of trying to stay out of the two of them fighting.

AUSTIN: Mhm.

SYLVIA: Like trying to get those two—actually, it starts with the gesturing, like “Okay, you two, go at it.” And he goes back to the corner and just kind of waits.  

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: Then they both look at him and are like “Oh, okay, so it’s—they’re gonna attack me now.” [chuckles]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

SYLVIA: And I think they run in one by one and it’s simple stuff. It’s, like, arm drags and—just slipping out of the way, very, like, basic things. So I think it’s like he does an arm drag to Dione over the other—over TKTK, and does a drop hold to TKTK so they’re both on the ground.

AUSTIN: So is this about communicating your technical prowess?

SYLVIA: He’s doing a lot of this technical work.

AUSTIN: Yes.

SYLVIA: Yeah, he’s doing a lot of technical work.

AUSTIN: “There’s two of them after me but I’m able to keep them at arm’s length,” basically.

SYLVIA: Yeah. And then what I wanted to end with was—there’s this—it’s a really silly thing I saw once where—so someone went for a kick on—so TKTK goes for a kick on—this is a big move, don’t worry.

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

SYLVIA: —goes for a kick on Charlie. Charlie catches it, tosses that to Dia—Dione. So Dione’s holding it. Then Charlie picks up her leg, and does a drag and screw, so she does a drag and screw to him, and they both go down.

[Ali giggles]

AUSTIN: Ohh, that’s so good. Alright, that’s Work, right? That’s—you’re “executing a difficult, demanding, or dangerous maneuver that showcases your technical wrestling ability.”

SYLVIA: Yeah, and I have a plus three for that!

AUSTIN: You do have a plus three for that. Do you have any moves that go into this at all?

DRE: [amazed] Jesus.

SYLVIA: None that I can think of.

AUSTIN: That’s a fucking fourteen!

ALI: Wow.

AUSTIN: That’s a wild score!

[Ali and Dre laugh]

SYLVIA: Hey guys, power gamer here.

AUSTIN: Oh my God, the power gamer’s here. Can you remind me of what your—both of y’all moves are?

SYLVIA: One of my moves is [laughs] plus one to Work.

AUSTIN: Oh.

SYLVIA: And roll plus Work for finishing [laughs].

[Dre laughs]  

AUSTIN: Okay, so you really—this is the thing you do. And Ali, can you give me Aqua Illusion’s moves?

ALI: I have Always Learning: “when you roll a match with someone you know is better than you, roll plus Work”; I am the Future: “when you keep a promise you follow—or follow through on a threat you made on camera, roll plus Look.”

AUSTIN: Okay, so you’ll be able to do that a lot this match, once you’re in the ring.

ALI: [laughs] And then the finishing move is “when you’re—” that’s for everybody, right?

ART: Everyone’s is a little bit different, but we can get there.

AUSTIN: Uh, it’s a little different. We’ll get there if we get there.

ALI: Okay, fair.

AUSTIN: Okay. So with a fourteen: “You hit it great. Retain control and pick one: gain two Momentum or gain plus one Heat with your opponent.”

SYLVIA: I’m going to go with two Momentum for now, ‘cause I think I only have one of those.

AUSTIN: You only have one right now, yeah. Go for it.

SYLVIA: Yeah, so I’m gonna bump that up to three.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: And then I think for the next one I’m actually gonna go, like, right into the—what the roll is gonna be for this. And I wanna—Ali, do you want to get in on this? ‘Cause I was gonna do a cool tag team move. Do you want to do a cool tag team move?

ALI: Absolutely.

[Austin chuckles]

SYLVIA: Okay [snorts]. I’m trying to figure out how to describe these for people who don’t know wrestling very well.

[Ali chortles]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh. Think about it in terms of—

SYLVIA: And that’s way harder for me.

AUSTIN: Think about it in terms of what the most abstract storytelling side of it is, right?

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Like, you think about something like that Sasha Bank/Bayley NXT match where I feel like you can show that to anybody and they don’t need to know what the holds are. What they need to know is Sasha keeps doing moves that are hurting Beck—er, Bayley’s legs. Right? And she’s mean because she’s doing that. And she’s technical. And she’s willing to win at any cost, even hurting her good friend.

SYLVIA: You actually gave me a good idea for that.

[Ali and Austin laugh]

SYLVIA: Because—I think what I want it to do—be— is Charlie’s kind of looking at these two and doesn’t know what to do and can’t handle—is like “Oh shit. I’m not gonna be able to handle this on my own.” And there’s a very pointed look at the corner. And people are like “Oh?”

[Ali and Austin laugh]

SYLVIA: You know, sort of like “Oh, they’re actually gonna try and work together!” thing [Ali laughs]. And so there is a thing—it is one of the few things that the Young Bucks do that I really, really like. You know, they do that powerbomb into the corner where one of them kicks the guy as they land. Um, so, the one on the apron kicks the opposing wrestler who’s being thrown into the corner and then they tag.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: And that’s their—yeah.

ALI: Oh, right. Yes.

SYLVIA: While the person who’s in the ring does the powerbomb. The powerbomb Seth Rollins does into the corner.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: Um, and I like that move. So do you want to do that move? I don’t know how tag team moves work, which—do I roll here?

AUSTIN: You roll Heat, yeah.

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: You will be rolling Heat.

SYLVIA: Okay.

ALI: Yeah, it’s the hot tag move, I think.

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah.

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: So “When you have control of the match and you go to tag your partner at a critical moment, either to get in or out of the ring, roll plus Heat with them.”

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: So your Heat—

SYLVIA: That’s a two for me.

AUSTIN: —for Aqua is two? Yeah, so plus two.

SYLVIA: Yes.

AUSTIN: 2d6 plus two. Give you...another fourteen!

ALI: Another fourteen!

SYLVIA: Six and a—

AUSTIN: Ten plus—two sixes! “On a ten plus, the tag is made and you get a double team opportunity on the legal wrestler from the other team. Everyone on your team gains plus one Momentum. The new legal wrestler from your team takes or retains control of the match.” So y’all both get plus one. Momentum.

SYLVIA: I need to update this to four Momentum now.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: And Aqua, you are in the ring against a fucked up Dione Gabbreau and TKTK.

ALI: Okay. Who did we just do the powerbomb on?

SYLVIA: Oh, um, I was gonna say TKTK ‘cause I remember Dione being described as, like, pretty built.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Buff as shit.

SYLVIA: And Charlie is not very big.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ALI: [laughing] Fair, fair. Okay, yeah. Ooh, okay. I guess with TKTK out of commission, I, like—

AUSTIN: Yeah. We get Aqua Illusion, like—this is, like—look, Dione Gabbreau—I mean, Dre, you played Dione Gabbreau.

DRE: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: Built as shit, right?

DRE: Oh yeah.

AUSTIN: I’m not saying Aqua Illusion can't also be tough. But I don’t know that we’ve described her as being, like, six feet tall and ready to just beat the shit out of somebody, right?

ALI: No, no, no. I’ve imagined her as, like, kind of a smaller but determined—

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

ALI: But it’s them locking eyes in the middle of the ring and, like, Aqua definitely looking very determined as she, like—I think they do the test of strength thing first—[laughs]

AUSTIN: Yes, good.

ALI: They grab each other’s hands and, like, she—she stays in for a little longer than I think people would think but doesn’t—

AUSTIN: Right.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So this is not a feat of strength. You are not successful in showing that you’re strong?

ALI: Um, I—I think—

AUSTIN: Or are you trying to? [Ali laughs] That’s my question.

ALI: I think the thing that I’m trying to do is get knocked down a little bit so I can pop back up.

AUSTIN: Gotcha.

ALI: And do, like—I don’t know what the move would look like [laughs]. I haven’t watched wrestling in a really long time, which is too bad.

AUSTIN: Same [Ali laughs], for what it’s worth.

ALI: But yeah, I think Aqua kind of, you know, gets taken down to one knee, or whatever.

AUSTIN: Right.

ALI: And then tries to pull her down?

AUSTIN: Okay, cool.

ALI: Does that make sense? Okay [laughs].

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally. It’s one of those things where it’s like she’s overpowered you but you then are able to, like, take her legs out from under her.

ALI: Right. And like—

AUSTIN: Cool.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Alright, so is that Work—“Difficult, demanding, or dangerous maneuver that demonstrates technical ability”? Or is this demonstrating your character? I think this is probably demonstrating your character through action, right?

ALI: Yeah. Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: It’s like you’re not so strong, but you’re smart and quick and intuitive or whatever, right?

ALI: [laughs] Yeah. That’s roll plus—?

AUSTIN: Look. Alright, that is an eight. Do you want to Momentum it up?

ALI: Um, yeah.

AUSTIN: What is your Momentum now? Three? So you can spend two Momentum to raise it to a ten, if you’d like.

ALI: That makes sense. [quietly] I’ll probably get some more later.

AUSTIN: Alright. So. “On a ten, you hit it great. Retain control and pick one: either gain two Momentum or gain one Heat with your opponent.” Also, y’all should be tracking this Heat gain if you're doing those things.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: I don’t remember—did you gain—no, you gained Momentum last time.

SYLVIA: I did not gain Heat.

AUSTIN: Right, yeah. Okay.

ALI: I might just take the Momentum back? Is that weird?

AUSTIN: I don’t think—uh—

ART: Well, you should look at what the things if you didn’t spend it are.

AUSTIN: Right, if you didn’t spend it, you could retain control and transition to the next sequence just the same. So, you hit it pretty—really what it comes down to is do you think you hit this great or do you think you hit this pretty well?

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: You could also—you could also give control to Dione and gain Momentum here, actually gain Momentum here.  

ALI: Okay, yeah. Actually, I’m gonna do that.

AUSTIN: Alright, cool. So, you—

ALI: Keep the match hot for a little bit [laughs].

AUSTIN: Yeah. So you take her down—make sure you add that Momentum, so you should be at plus four now.

ALI: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: But then it is, it is—Dione just like—she falls down, everyone goes like “Yeah!!” and then she just locks eyes with you from the ground and pushes herself up slowly and it’s very, you know, intimidating and dominating. And then begins to totally work you across the ring, right? [Ali wheeze-laughs] Just, like, lots of Irish whips into clotheslines, lots of sidewalk slams...like big power moves. And Blackjack, every time that she lands something is like “[approvingly] Mm [clap clap clap]. Mm [clap clap clap]. [Ali laughs] Like, “Oh, look at her, she’s really putting in work.” And like, you know, “Dione! Dione!” Getting the crowd into it, you know. And then there’s a moment where she’s getting ready for her finisher on you. What is her finisher, does anyone have any ideas? Dre? As formerly playing Dione Gabbreau, any ideas?

DRE: Umm...I mean, something that’s just big and hossy, probably.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but also a little bit Hollywood-y, right? Like—

DRE: Right. Hmm…

ART: I mean, it might be a little on the nose but don’t discount out of hand the rock bottom.

AUSTIN: Right, [Ali chuckles] I think it could be a rock bottom, a hundred percent.

DRE: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Or, like, a high lift rock bottom, right? ‘Cause she’s tall.

ALI: Mhm.

DRE: Yeah, I definitely think it’s something where someone is lifted up with a lot of—lifted up very tall and dropped with a lot of force.

SYLVIA: Could also be a chokeslam or something, depending on—

ALI: Oh yeah.

AUSTIN: Or like a powerbomb or a—could be a chokeslam, yeah. I feel like as an MMA fighter she probably wants to do something that’s a little more like a hold throw you know what I mean? Than just, like—a chokeslam feels like it’s so just about strength.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

DRE: Yeah, I mean it could just be like a running drop or something. I feel like that’s something that’s done.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

DRE: Not all the time in MMA but sometimes done in MMA. Like a running powerslam.  

AUSTIN: Yeah, I think that makes sense. A running powerslam makes sense. Does it have a cool name? Does it have, like a—like the Final Cut.

ART: [dramatically] The Blockbuster. Oh, sorry.

AUSTIN: Or the Blockbuster. Blockbuster’s—eh, Blockbuster’s still pretty good though.

DRE: Yeeah.

SYLVIA: That’s already a thing.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Okay. What about—

ART: So is the Final Cut.

AUSTIN: So is the Final Cut, I know. So is the Curtain Call. So is the—

SYLVIA: Gold Dust kind of ruined it for movie people.

AUSTIN: [muttering] Yeah, fuckin’—

ART: And then—all the trendy movie things now are like—you don’t want to call it High Grossing.

AUSTIN: Okay, what if it’s—

DRE: What if it’s—

AUSTIN: Go ahead.

DRE: What if it’s the Summer Blockbuster?

ART: The Tent Pole.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: Okay, what if, what if it’s a—

ART: The F—

AUSTIN: One second, I have to see if this move looks good at all. What if it’s a reverse powerslam, right?

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: Which is where you flip them back—you lift them up over your shoulder and then you slam them back face first, instead of slamming them on their back. And it’s called the Flashback.

SYLVIA: Ooh.

ART: Sure.

DRE: Ooh, I like that.

ART: That’s good. My next one was gonna be the Starwipe.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: [snorts] Okay.

SYLVIA: Oh, I have—

AUSTIN: Nothing with “wipe”. What did you have?

SYLVIA: [laughing] I was just gonna say—I can’t top that, so don’t worry about it, honestly.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: Like, I know when I’m beat. It’s fine.

AUSTIN: So, I think she sets you up—

ART: Smash Cut.

AUSTIN: Smash Cut’s—Smash Cut feels like a signature move.

ART: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Smash Cut is some sort of—like a clothesline from hell, or something.

DRE: I think Smash Cut is like a sit out spinebuster, or something.

AUSTIN: Yeahh. Good. Good, good, good. Love it. So she hits you with.that and you’re down on the ground, and she’s prepping you for the Flashback. And at this point, we get Blackjack looking for the tag so he can come in and finish you up and take the win. And she’s like “No” and they’re arguing about it. And so you have a moment where you could try and hot tag in.

ALI: Um, yeah, I think that, like, while—

AUSTIN: Or try to interfere or hit—[Ali laughs]. I want to be clear, that’s one thing you can do. That’s what’s happening in the ring; what do you do?

ALI: [laughing] Okay, I think that while I’ve been thrown around a lot, it’s a lot of Aqua reaching for Charlie but getting pulled away.

AUSTIN: Right.

ALI: So I think at the opportunity...hm...

AUSTIN: Yeah, this is the question. Do you go for “She’s distracted, let me hit her,” or do you go for “She’s distracted, I can get the tag in.”  

ALI: Can I—I’m wondering [laughs]—I almost want to gesture at Charlie to hit someone. Like, go for Blackjack while I go for her. You know how’s there’s always like—

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: I can definitely do that.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Totally.

ALI: Be like, outside the ring, go start some shenanigans, while I, like—

AUSTIN: Do some—

ALI: Beat her up. Yeah, yeah.

AUSTIN: Totally. That, I still think, is probably you rolling here.

ALI: Yeah. Yeah, yeah for sure.

AUSTIN: So what is that roll? Is that a—hm, let’s see...Heat? Because it’s still like a tag team maneuver, right? I guess it’s not tagging though, so...so yeah, I think this is either Work—what are you doing? As Charlie goes to distract Blackjack, what are you doing to Dione? What’s the move you do—or what type of move you do?

ALI: Um, I think that I, like, I move towards the ropes like I’m gonna tag Charlie in, but instead lean forward very stage on purpose—[giggles]

AUSTIN: Uh-huh.

ALI: —to whisper in his ear. And then...should I climb the ropes? [laughs] That seems really dangerous.

AUSTIN: That’s very—that’s dangerous. But, you know.

ALI: Ooh, yeah, I think so. [laughing] Can you do an elbow drop to someone who has their back turned towards you? That seems really bad.

ART: You’re probably looking for a double axe handle at that point. [Ali laughs] That’s, like, the move you do on a standing person.

AUSTIN: Yeah, probably.

DRE: Or like a dropkick or something.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah, like a dropkick. Like a quick runup to the—so if they’re at the southeastern ring post, right, you go to the northeastern one, basically, and do like a—that’s far. That’s far [Ali laughs]. That’s like a Shane McMahon Coast to Coast, right? Okay, here’s what you could do. You could time it such so that it’s like Charlie goes to distract Blackjack, Blackjack—pulls Blackjack down—she turns around, sees you climbing the ropes, and charges at you to grab you before you can do a move, and then you can do a dropkick from the top rope as she’s charging at you from across the ring to catch her in the middle. Do you know what I mean?

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: I think that the geometry works out that way.

ALI: [laughing] Okay.

AUSTIN: I mean, whatever. This is a Power move. This is you’re putting yourself or your opponent at legit risk by using physical strength. Like, high-flying moves are dangerous, so.

ALI: Yeah. Um—

AUSTIN: So, it could be a Coast-to-Coast. It could be a “I’m trying to catch her from one corner to the other.” But up to you.

ALI: Yeah, I don’t know. I guess all the best wrestlers really look like they’re trying to kill themselves, so.

AUSTIN: That’s...true.

[Ali laughs]

SLYIVA: Jesus.

AUSTIN: Fuckin’ put themselves out there.

ALI: It just—

AUSTIN: What is your Power?  

ALI: It’s zero.

AUSTIN: Okay. Well, 2d6.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: I mean, I don’t think there is an aid/interfere for wrestlers. Eh, that’s a seven.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Do you want to boost it with Momentum or do any of the announcers—sorry, does Dre want to boost it with Put Over here?

DRE: Yeah, I’ll—I’ll—ehh [Ali laughs]. I don’t know, do you want me to save it for something really important later, Ali?

AUSTIN: It’s up to you. This is up to you as an announcer.

DRE: Uhh—

AUSTIN: I guess that’s not true; it specifically said you could negotiate whether or not you want to spend Momentum or—that’s not true. So yeah, y'all can talk.

ALI: I don’t know that I need it here.

DRE: Yeah, that’s fair.

ALI: But yeah, I feel like I would just rather retain control and then, like, what do you even do after that? Uh [laughs]. I think maybe—I feel like I really love the disrespectfulness of trying to go for the pin really early in the match [laughs].

AUSTIN: Oh yeah, totally.

ALI: [laughing] Um—

AUSTIN: So you do that, you try to go for the pin.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: You’re not gonna get the pin here. You’re not booked to win off of this at this moment.

ALI: No, no, no.  

AUSTIN: So what happens? So you knock her down, you go for the pin—and maybe this is where the Protocol finally jumps back in, and the two of them rush in. And there’s just a brawl in the ring at this point, right? ‘Cause now that they’ve entered, those two are fighting you, you’re holding them off; outside the ring, Charlie Cupid, you’re fighting against Blackjack...let’s put the camera there for a second. You’re not legal [Ali laughs], but what’s going on there, Charlie?

SYLVIA: It’s basically just two guys—you know how every indie wrestling show now has just two dudes who chop the hell out of each other, basically?

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.

[Ali laughs]

SYLVIA: It’s just that.

AUSTIN: Yeah, okay.

SYLVIA: They’re just hitting each other in the chest a lot.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: Great. Great. Is this a feat of strength? Or is this—

SYLVIA: Sure, why not?

AUSTIN: Right? ‘Cause it’s not control of the match, but it is demonstrating something. It could also be working the audience.

SYLVIA: I think it’s more interesting to roll a feat of strength here.

AUSTIN: Alright, sounds good. So “When you demonstrate your extraordinary strength”—which is what that bit is, kind of— “roll strength.” Or roll Power.

SYLVIA: Yeah, so...I have a zero. So it’s a flat 2d6.

AUSTIN: That is a five.

SYLVIA: That is a five.

AUSTIN: Ooh, “On a botch, you injure yourself.” What is—

SYLVIA: I’m gonna spend two Momentum—

AUSTIN: [chuckles] Okay.

SYLVIA: —to get up to a seven to nine.

AUSTIN: So on a seven to nine “It is an obvious effort. Gain plus one Momentum and they—your opponent or Creative—picks one. You do it with obvious difficulty and the audience notices, you put yourself at risk of injury, or you put them at risk of injury.” I think it’s just obvious difficulty. It’s one of those chop exchanges where your chest gets red quicker and your chops come out slower. And Blackjack is just so clearly pumping out his chest and just taking those hits like no big deal. And eventually it’s like “chop chop chop chop chop chop ” and then he just pushes you. Like “pfff”, like “fuck you”. Like “you’re not up to this.”  And pushes you against the side of the ring and just locks eyes with you. He basically, like, kabedons you. He kind of just, like, leans in and just locks eyes very close to you. Like “you’re nothing to me.” And then slides in the ring. And as—and finally gets the tag with Dione. I think he pulls Dione out of the fray and, like, hops back out the ring and tags himself in. So now in the ring, Aqua, is Blackjack, both of the Protocol members—because the ref has just lost control—and then you. What do you do?

ALI: Um...man. Uh, can I do one of those things where I try to fight both of them and then push one of them into the ropes, and then try to get the other one to come towards me, and then roll out of the way so they attack each other?

AUSTIN: Yes, so they hit each other? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. That sounds like Work to me?

ALI: Um—

AUSTIN: Group, does that sound right? Or is this character through action again?

ART: That might be character?

ALI: Yeah.

ART: It’s hard. It’s—is that in your ch—is that part of your—mm, I don’t—that might be Look for Charlie.

AUSTIN: That would be Look for Charlie, I think.

ALI: Okay.

ART: Ohh, this is tricky.

AUSTIN: But except that Look for Charlie ends up being Work ‘cause Work—no. ‘Cause Look for Charlie is “You love me, I’m a hero.”

ART: Mhmm.

AUSTIN: That’s Look for Charlie. Work is “I’m a good technical wrestler” which is what Charlie actually is. Charlie’s gimmick is not “I’m a good technical wrestler.” Charlie’s gimmick is “You love me, I’m Cupid,” or whatever, and that’s why it doesn’t work.

ART: Is it “Working with your opponent to execute an amazing and memorable sequence?”

AUSTIN: Yes. I think it is.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: So I think that’s rolling Heat with them [Ali snorts]. And you don’t have Heat with them. So.

ALI: Wait, I—are they Heels?

AUSTIN: They are H—uhh, yeah, they are Heels. So you have one Heat with them.

ALI: So okay, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So 2d6 plus one. Good catch.

ALI: I [laughs] typed “/heat” which is not what I’m rolling [laughs].

[Dre laughs]

ALI: That’s an eight.

AUSTIN: Alright, eight. That’s not bad. You retain control and transition to the next sequence or give them control and gain one Momentum.

ALI: Can I throw it to them and get the Momentum?

AUSTIN: Totally.

ALI: That’d be—okay.

AUSTIN: What’s that look like, though?

ALI: [laughs] Actually I—hmm. Can—oh, wait, okay [laughs]. This is so dumb. This doesn’t make any sense. Can I put my sunglasses on one of them and, like—[laughs] have it be, like—no, that doesn’t work, that they’re fighting each other.

AUSTIN: ‘Cause they can’t see? I mean, you could do that; they are androids.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: And I think the audience—I think that the announcers could explain to the audience what the fuck is happening.

ALI: [laughing] Yeah—

AUSTIN: But except—the thing there is, how are they gaining control from that? [Ali keeps laughing] That to me sounds like “retain control and transition to the next sequence.”

ALI: Yeah, okay [laughs]. Yeah, okay, I guess in that case I do that ‘cause it’s hilarious.

AUSTIN: It’s very funny.

ALI: Um, and—

AUSTIN: Announcers, can you help me—can you help sell that to the audience at home?

ART (as Rossi): Well, y’know, androids got a lot of problems with their eyes. They’re very sensitive, and once one gets attacked, there’s a fight-or-flight com—circuitry, I bet.

DRE (as Moran): Here’s the thing, Ross. You know me. I gotta—I gotta call my kid whenever anything happens with any of my technology. So I’m just assuming that Aqua Illusion over here, she knows the computers. She knows the technology. And here, she is using her technical knowledge against her opponent, and it’s just incredible. It's just incredible. And this is why this is one of the rising stars here.

ART (as Rossi): Yeah, if you’re watchin’ this and you don’t understand, ask your kids about it [muffled laughter from Ali]. And if you’re a kid and you don’t understand it, go to school.

DRE (as Moran): Yeah, go to school, drink your milk, and do some pushups.

AUSTIN: Perfect.

        ART (as Rossi): Do a pushup in a book!

        DRE (as Moran): Yeah, do some pushups while you’re hitting those books!

AUSTIN: That’s what hitting the books means. Okay. Perfect. So you retain control. And at this point, I think we have the Protocol looking like complete asses [Ali laughs]. And it has changed the tone, though, of this. They—you know, the one without the glasses is—the one with the glasses on, let’s say S99, is throwing these huge haymakers, and TKTK is like [robot foley] “brrr brr br brrrrrr [Dre laughs]. Dooo doo doo bu beeee,” and won’t hit their partner, and so they get chased out of the ring. And suddenly the comedy aspect of this match is just gone. And everything gets quiet for a moment and it is, you know, the rising star Aqua Illusion alone in the ring with Blackjack. And, you know, back on your turnbuckle is Charlie Cupid, and Dione Gabbreau is not knocked out but is not in a good—is very much like leaning over the ropes, tired. So you’re just, like, face-to-face with the star of this place. Who I think is just, like—in my mind—I think the character is very Dean Ambrose-y, very jeans, leather jacket, but like what if Seth was three sizes, four sizes, bigger than he is as a person [Dre chuckles], his hair was cut closer and starting to go gray, you know?

ART: Hot dad Seth Rollins.

AUSTIN: Hot dad Seth Rollins is one hundred percent what I’m suggesting.

ART: Elias is two sizes bigger Seth Rollins.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but bigger than that still.

ALI: Ohh. A double Elias.

AUSTIN: A double Elias.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: And shorter hair.

ART: Sure.

AUSTIN: Still with the beard, though. He’s hot.

[Ali laughs]

ART: Jess is so into Elias and just yesterday, I found out she thinks CM Punk was really hot. I don’t understand.

[Ali laughs]

SYLVIA: No, she’s right.

AUSTIN: CM Punk—

DRE: I kind of see CM Punk.

SYLVIA: Young CM Punk is fucking cute.

AUSTIN: It depends on what—okay, real talk. What is CM Punk is doing with his hair and his beard, that determines whether or not he’s hot.

DRE: Yeah, true.

ALI: Mhm.

AUSTIN: At any given moment.

ART: I haven’t seen him recently and I’m not buying that UFC fight so I won’t see him that soon.

AUSTIN: No, no. Anyway, I have described this person as best I can.

ALI: Yeah. I—I’m trying to figure out a way to roll Always Learning here [laughs]

AUSTIN: I mean, this—they’re just two different rolls. If you—you’re—I think it makes sense to do a sequence with him, with Blackjack, in the ring.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Otherwise the character thing you’re showing is like “Oh, actually...I’m good,” you know?

ALI: Right, yeah, yeah. Then yeah, I think it’s a similar thing where we lock eyes across the ring. Like, this is the thing that I’ve been working for and I’m gonna do the best that I can.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

ALI: And I think that I just kind of , like, approach him with a bunch of punches?

AUSTIN: Mhm.

ALI: And try to get him pinned in his corner, basically.

AUSTIN: Alright, that—

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: —I mean, that can be an Always Learning, right?

ALI: Yeah, yeah [laughs].

AUSTIN: [reading] “When you work a match with someone you know is better than you, roll plus Work. On a ten plus, pick two; on a seven to nine, pick one.”

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: “Gain one Momentum, gain one Heat with them, gain their respect. On a botch, you make a rookie mistake and lose an Audience.” So, give me a Work roll.  

ALI: [nervously] Okay. Oh my God.

AUSTIN: That’s a three. How much Momentum do you have?

ALI: Four [laughs].

AUSTIN: So you could get it up to a seven.

DRE: I gotchu.

AUSTIN: Or, yes, here we go.

ALI: Does that only raise it one? Or one, like—

ART: One level.

SYLVIA: I think it raises it one tier.

ALI: Oh, okay.

AUSTIN: One level. So this would raise it to a seven to nine, yeah.

ALI: Okay. That’s probably the best [laughs].

AUSTIN: Alright, let me hear it, Dre.

DRE: What are you wanting to happen here, Ali?

ALI: I think that I—I want it to look like I really want it, right?

DRE: Okay.

ART: Well, the real thing is how do you fuck it up? ‘Cause how do we sell—how does Dre sell that it’s not a fuckup? You know, like, do you want us to, you know, “Well, he didn’t quite get all of that,” as the way to cover for “He just fucking missed that kick.” Like, what did you do wrong that Dre can make right?

ALI: I think it’s just the size difference, right? Where it’s just like the—the trying to hit him this way is really not looking as impressive as it should.

AUSTIN: Right. Like, there are ways to wrestle someone bigger than you.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: This is not the way.

ALI: No [laughs].

DRE (as Moran): Look, Ross. This isn’t looking great for Aqua Illusion. But, you know, when you look at the story of David and Goliath, it wasn’t just won in one shot.

AUSTIN: [laughing] Wait, it was!

ART: It absolutely was.

DRE: [whispering] Yeah, that’s the joke. That’s the joke!

ART: Um, okay, hold one. It wasn’t just won in one shot…

        ART (as Rossi): That’s right...Chet.

        DRE (as Moran): Here’s the thing you gotta love about Aqua Illusion.

AUSTIN: [laughing] It’s Jeff.

DRE (as Moran): She’s got the grit, she’s got the determination, and I think she is just gonna keep going until she wears this man down.

AUSTIN: Alright, so that is Always Learning, seven to nine. You either gain a Momentum, gain Heat with them, or gain their respect [laughs].

ALI: What’s the best thing for me to have—I guess another Momentum, or—?

AUSTIN: Another Momentum would help...you don’t have any Heat with him right now, you’re both Faces, currently, so.

ALI: You know, I’ll take the Heat. If I stay in this town, maybe I’ll want it.

AUSTIN: Alright, sure. So take the Heat with him—sounds good. So take plus one Heat with Blackjack.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: Cool. Alright, so you’re still in control of this.

ALI: [slightly panicked] Uhhh, right.

AUSTIN: You’ve kind of pushed him back to the corner. He pushes—I think he just pushes you back. And so again, you’re back at neutral position. You’re both in the middle of the ring. The Protocol is out of commission. Dione is starting to get back up on her feet. Charlie, what are you doing?

SYLVIA: I think Charlie’s just got back to the turnbuckle.

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: Charlie was sore too, right? So he was probably taking his time getting there.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Yeah.

ALI: Um, I—mm. I want to tag Charlie back in but I want it to be a critical moment.

AUSTIN: Okay.

ALI: I’m wondering how to get myself into—

AUSTIN: I mean, we could have the sequence where what we get is Blackjack recovers from the flurry of attacks. And is like “Alright, I’m gonna wrestle you [Ali laughs]. And I’m good at this.” And so it’s just a transitional series of moves where it’s like you come back in for a similar sequence and he just grabs your leg and does the takedown. And then puts you in, like, a leglock. And then, you know, gets up and then slaps the mat and stands up like “Alright, let’s go again.” [Ali laughs] He runs it like a clinic, do you know what I mean? You come in for a head grab or like a—what’s the word I’m looking for where you put someone’s head in your arm? It’s like a very classic transitional hold in wrestling? And they’re, like, bent over and you have their head in your armpit.

DRE: Just like a headlock?

AUSTIN: Like a headlock. Yeah, he puts you—you put him in a headlock and then he grabs you and does a backslam on you from that position. And, like, okay, well he was able to counter that. And those just keep happening where you’re able to get the first—where it’s almost like, you know, the first time you can’t get a single hit in; the second time you can’t get one hit in; the third time, you know, you’re able to get the first two hits in and he counters you a third time. And it’s just wearing you out. And bit by bit it’s just getting bad. And finally, he throws you to his turnbuckle and he’s getting ready to set up a, like, some sort of powerplay—he’s putting you up and getting ready to do a superplex or something. And Dione slaps him on the shoulder to tag herself in. And you’re able to, like, crawl back—and he’s like, slams his hands down again, the two of them are arguing in the ring now, are pushing each other, and you again have this moment where you have to decide: do you interfere with them, or fight them, or do you go and tag in Charlie?

ALI: Uh, I think I’m gonna tag in Charlie.

AUSTIN: Alright. Give me a Hot Tag.

ALI: Roll plus Heat.

AUSTIN: Yes. And your Heat with Charlie is three.

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So 2d6 plus three. That is a ten.

ALI: That’s a ten.

AUSTIN: [reading] “The tag is made and you get a double team opportunity on the legal wrestler from the other team. Everyone on your team gains plus one Momentum; the new legal wrestler from your team takes or retains control of the match.” So Charlie, you will have control of the match, you get plus one, what is this double team maneuver?

SYLVIA: Oh man. Um, I feel like we should do something that gets the jump on her, right?

ALI: Yeah. I think that—they’re arguing again, right?

SYLVIA: Mm-hm.

ALI: And Blackjack is the one still in the ring?

AUSTIN: Dione is legal.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: They’re both in the ring; Dione is legal.

ALI: Okay. ‘Cause I think it’s almost like—I’m just thinking of the—which is that we kick one of them into the other one, since they’re facing each other.

AUSTIN: For sure.

SYLVIA: We could do a double dropkick to the back or something.

AUSTIN: Totally, totally. So they both go down, um—

ALI: And I think that I drag—I guess I drag Blackjack out of the ring.

AUSTIN: Right, so that—

ALI: Or, like, he rolls out. We both roll out.

AUSTIN: Yeah, totally. And begin fighting outside?

ALI: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: Okay. So Charlie, you’re in the ring with an injured Dione Gabbreau. What do you do?

SYLVIA: Um, I’m going for the legs again!

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: Uh, I think, like, there’s a lot of—it’s a lot of—you know how Daniel Bryan does all those sidekicks?

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: Those low sidekicks. I think it’s a lot of those and then once he manages to get Dione to run at him, he does this, like, I don’t know how to describe it but it’s basically a rolling leg walk.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: Where he jumps up—it looks super cool when they actually do it! But it’s basically spinning their bodies around and then it ends up they’re on the ground and he’s got her in a leglock and he’s waving to the crowd while he does it.

AUSTIN: Awesome. Give me a—that sounds like—the wave makes me think Look but the rest of that’s definitely Work.

SYLVIA: Okay. I was actually thinking maybe going towards Look here. ‘Cause I definitely want Charlie to be real big shit-eating grin here. And also I don’t want—

AUSTIN: Okay. Then yeah, if that’s where the camera’s focused, then yeah, give me a Look, that makes sense—

SYLVIA: I also just don’t want to roll my good stuff all the time ‘cause that’s less interesting.

AUSTIN: I getcha. I getcha. Yeah, ‘cause it felt like a pretty complicated sequence, but if you’re really focusing on that...that’s a five. You rolled a five.

SYLVIA: Yep. Um—

AUSTIN: You have the Momentum to push it up to a seven.

SYLVIA: Yeah...um—I’m trying to do the math here on the Momentum. ‘Cause if I spend two to get there—I kind of want to give up control. I kinda want to—

AUSTIN: Alright, then gain that Momentum—oe no, you lose a Momentum here.

SYLVIA: Yeah. That’s fine.

AUSTIN: Alright, so you’re gonna lose—you’ll literally—

SYLVIA: I’ll be down to one again.

AUSTIN: You’ll go down to one. So, what happens here? How does Dione take control from you? Um [exhales]—

SYLVIA: I think it’s—do you want me to say something or do you have—

AUSTIN: Yeah, go for it.

SYLVIA: I think it’s kind of simple, ‘cause he takes one of his hands off the hold.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: So it’s not as—she can just kick him in the face at the point.  

AUSTIN: Oh, do you know what it is? It’s her MMA training.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: She kicks you in the face, takes you down, and puts you in some sort of, like MMA—you know what? I think this is—she puts you in a fucking hold. And puts it on light. She is—I think she is trying to get you to tap for real.

SYLVIA: Oh!

AUSTIN: Like she puts it on, just a little bit, to be like “I have you.” This is not the booking. The booking is for Aqua Illusion to put the pin on Blackjack and take the belt. She is breaking kayfabe to try to get you to, alone in the middle of the ring, tap out and give her the belt.

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: She isn’t hurting you. But she’s making it clear she could be.

SYLVIA: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: And you get the feeling that this is more frustration with Blackjack and wanting to fuck him over than actually wanting to hurt you. And I think she says just like:

        AUSTIN (as Dione Gabbreau): Tap out.

SYLVIA: Nooo [Austin and Dre laugh]. That’s so….no. How do I get out of this? I gotta think of a way to get out of this.

AUSTIN: You do.  

DRE: Are you a Heel, right, Sylvia?

SYLVIA: I am. But I don’t have the two Momentum to spend on a Heel move.

DRE: Ooh.

AUSTIN: Yeah, there’s a problem.

SYLVIA: Yeah. Um—

AUSTIN: You could interrupt to take control of the match for yourself.

SYLVIA: I could! Oh yeah.

AUSTIN: Spend one Momentum, narrate your interruption.

SYLVIA: Okay. I think the interrupt is simple enough that it’s, like, he’s able to reach up and legitimately poke her in the eye to get her to stop.

AUSTIN: [snorts] Okay.

SYLVIA: Or like, mimic that he’s going to poke her in the eye if she doesn’t stop so she just sells it like normal.

AUSTIN: Right. Right. I think then you both roll to your feet and she’s like:

        AUSTIN (as Gabbreau): [whispers] Sorry. Just—argh.

AUSTIN: Very frustrated. But you have control of the match again. And she’s like—she takes a slightly more passive posture to make it clear that she’s letting you take the lead on the dance, you know?  

SYLVIA: Alright. Um, what do I want to do here? I think this part is kind of, like, Charlie’s trying to be a bit more pissed off so he’s going for his more, like—he’s trying to take her down now.  

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: And I think what that is is they grapple for a bit and it looks like she gets him in a headlock and then he just busts out a—you know the Northern Lights suplex?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

SYLVIA: It’s the one where the attacker’s head is under their arm and then they just flip the person holding them over, basically.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: And then ends it with, like, a bridge. ‘Cause I like how bridges look when people suplex.

AUSTIN: They look great. They look great. Um, so are you going—what do you think that is? That’s—is that back to Work?

SYLVIA: I—it could be Work. I could see Power too.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I could go either way. I don’t think you’re putting her at risk or yourself at risk, right?

SYLVIA: Yeah, no. I think it’s very much like—I—this is a move that is easy to execute when everyone’s cooperating and it sounds like she’s cooperating.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Yup. Alright, so give me the Work.

SYLVIA: I’ll roll that, yeah.

AUSTIN: That is an eight. So again, retain control and transition to the next sequence, or give your opponent control and plus one Momentum.

SYLVIA: Um, I will retain control for now.

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: But I think she—she obviously kicks out of it.

AUSTIN: She kicks out at two and a half. I think at that point, Blackjack disengages from the fight outside, runs back up to the apron, and is like “Tag me in!” Is reaching, is reaching, is reaching, because she’s clearly not in a good way, and also ‘cause he didn’t see what just happened.

SYLVIA: How close would you say we are to finishing the match? [laughs] ‘Cause I don’t know how—

AUSTIN: As close as we can be.

SYLVIA: Okay.

AUSTIN: I’ve told you what the booking is. Again, either of you could decide the booking goes somewhere else. You could botch in such a way that I change the booking. But the booking is that Aqua Illusion wins the belt.

SYLVIA: Okay, then I think what we’re gonna do here is a—I’m gonna go for a Hot Tag again, I think.

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: So I’m gonna roll that first before figuring out what to do here.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: So that is plus two Heat. Phew!

SYLVIA: Perfect!

AUSTIN: That is a ten.

SYLVIA: So—

AUSTIN: The tag is made, you get a double team opportunity, everyone gets plus two Momentum.

SYLVIA: Awesome. So I have two Momentum now.

AUSTIN: You do.

SYLVIA: [excitedly] Can I use—can I follow this up with my Heel role move to win the match?

AUSTIN: Yes, but you’ve just made a tag. So what’s this look like?

SYLVIA: I think what it is is it’s a quick—they do a tag team move together. And I think it’s—there’s this really dope thing that New Day have been doing where Big E does a rockbottom while—I think it’s Xavier Woods—does the double knees to the back.

ALI: Ooh.

SYLVIA: Where he slams them down. I think that they’ve been the team who has been doing that.

ART: I feel like Big E and Xavier have been the A New Day team recently.

SYLVIA: They’re so good together [happy sigh]. So I think it’s that but it’s close to the corner; right after, Charlie just tags himself back in.

AUSTIN: Gotcha.

SYLVIA: And do I just go for my finishing move here?

AUSTIN: So, you have a couple of—everybody involved has a couple of options [chuckles]. You’ve now spent the two Momentum to do the Heel move—oh, Win a Match, right? ‘Cause “overrides Creative’s booking.”

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So [exhales] that’s a thing you’ve spent yours on. I think at this point there is a chance, which is—or, Aqua Illusion could break kayfabe to expose a legit truth on camera. Which is a roll plus Real which could do a lot of things, including it’s exactly what the audience has been waiting for, which could give you plus one Audience. Or things could go completely different a different thing. And I guess the thing is she’s not a Heel so she can’t—you can’t counterspend two Momentum, right?  

ART: Yeah, you can’t counter the Heel move.

AUSTIN: You can counter the Heel move with another Heel move.

ART: Right.

ALI: Mhm.

AUSTIN: But she isn’t—

ART: You can hurt them.

AUSTIN: Right. That’s—yes.

ART: You could decide that you’re gonna—

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Work real stiff, yes.

SYLVIA: Do you want to break my leg?

ART: You’re gonna work real stiff; you’re just gonna knock Charlie the fuck out, and then—

AUSTIN: Yes. Those are, I think your two options here. I don’t think Interrupt works ‘cause the match is o—is ending. So it’s either work real stiff or break kayfabe or let it happen.

ALI: Can I—this might be weird. I—can I spend the two Momentum to leave my opponent speechless and it’s like helping Cupid to hit Blackjack with something but still letting Cupid win. Right?

AUSTIN: Well so—yeah, I—

ART: Isn’t that just spending two Momentum—what? I don’t—

AUSTIN: What’s the—what’s the take—I mean, at that point, you’d probably be better spending it to gain Heat.

ALI: Yeah. Okay, fair.

AUSTIN: Right, with Blackjack or something. Right? But also I feel like that would also be a Heel turn [laughs].

ALI: [laughs] Yeah, I dunno, ‘cause I don’t want Charlie to not win here. I would either—I guess I would either do that or just have us form a tag team?

AUSTIN: Right. I mea, well—let’s talk—let’s just zoom back in and just play it as characters, right? What does she do? She sees Charlie is about—she sees that Charlie—she knows, to be clear, she knows she is booked to win this match.

ALI: Okay.

AUSTIN: Right?

ALI: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Charlie has overrided [sic] Creative’s booking and has decided “No actually, I’m gonna win this match.” Presumably that happens in an abstract sense in a conversation backstage, right? In which you know that Simeon was like “Oh, of course then Aqua Illusion will win.” This is after the cameras go off in that room. Maybe we even get that flashback. We the home audience, not the imagined audience—not the audience in this room, not the wrestling audience, but the Bluff City home listeners get the flashback in which we see what this Heel maneuver is is saying you were booked to win and Charlie convinced them to let him win instead, right?

ALI: Right.

AUSTIN: Or you just found out seconds before going out into the ring. Like someone came over and whispered “Oh actually, Charlie’s gonna win this one.”

ALI: Right.

AUSTIN: After being told you were going to win.

ART: This is gonna be some Miz grabbing the title when Rock and Cena are fighting nonsense.

AUSTIN: Right, exactly.

ALI: [laughs] Um—

AUSTIN: It’s almost like, yeah, are you a company player? Do you roll with it and go like “Fine, let him have the belt. I’m gonna at least have the tag belt and we can be a tag team.” Or are you saying “Fuck that, no. I was booked to win this originally.”

ALI: Yeah, I don’t know, I think I’m still fine with it. I don’t know that I would—

AUSTIN: Cool.  

ALI: —interrupt.

AUSTIN: Alright, so then I think it is just the move then. I think it is just the finishing move then [Ali laughs]. Alright, “When you are booked to win a match, roll 2d6. On a ten plus, you hit your finisher clean. You gain plus one Audience. On a seven to nine, they make you work for it.”

SYLVIA: And then I have a move that lets me roll Work for this [laughs].

AUSTIN: Oh wow, okay.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So then give me a Work.

SYLVIA: Seven.

AUSTIN: That is only a seven. That’s a one plus three plus a three.

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So you just barely fucking get this. There’s like a—there was a—man, that was almost bad.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: Though I guess you could still get put over here.

DRE: I mean, yeah. I think we can.

AUSTIN: What’s that look like?

DRE: This is the end of the match, so yeah.

ART: What goes wrong?

DRE: What is your finisher? Sylvia?

SYLVIA: Um, so [laughs]. The idea I have for Charlie's finisher is that it’s a Shining Wizard, but instead of a knee, it’s an axe kick. It’s something a wrestler I really like, Meiko Satomura, does and it looks really mean and really vicious. But I think in this case it—it doesn’t quite hit the mark, and that’s why it has to be put over. Where it’s like—it’s this thing where he steps up on her knee while running and then he brings his—the back of his leg down on, like—it looks like—sometimes, they do actually hit them on the head, and that’s a bit too much, but usually it’s like the small—it’s like the back by your shoulders—your shoulderblades and shit.

AUSTIN: Mm-hm.

SYLVIA: And the camera makes it look like it’s the head.

AUSTIN: So the Shining Wizard, to be clear, the whole idea with it is that you’re basically boosting off of your opponents leg—

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: And then landing a kind of kick to their back that looks like the back of their head.

SYLIVA: Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. I can link this GIF to people.

AUSTIN: Please.

SYLVIA: If you look up—let me find it. She calls it the Scorpio Rising. It’s a very good name.

AUSTIN: Good name. I search for Scorpio Rising, which of course is gonna give me a ton of astrology, of course. Like, duh.

SYLVIA: This—I think this is one of the ones where—yeah, that’s right under fucking—[laughs]. It’s not—

DRE: Ooh. That’s pretty dope.

AUSTIN: Oh, that’s a cool move though. So you’re stepping up on her knee, and then raising your other leg as you’re jumping off of it and lowering it into this axe kick into their back. Into her back.

SYLVIA: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

AUSTIN: Into Dione’s back? Who’s legal at this point? I’ve already forgotten.

SYLVIA: I think it’s Dione.

AUSTIN: Dione, yeah.

SYLVIA: Yeah. And yeah, I think that then is just—oh, by the way, it’s called the Bloody Valentine. Because of course it is.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Good. Good. Good. Alright.

SYLVIA: I think one, two, three, right?

AUSTIN: That is a ten, so that is one, two, three, you land it. You get the pin. One...two...three. And—

ART: Wait, we didn’t—we didn’t put it over.

AUSTIN: Oh right, you’re supposed to put it over. Right, sorry. Put it over.

[Dre laughs]

AUSTIN: It’s late.

ART: So what went wrong with it?

SYLVIA: Um, I think he kind of whiffed it?

DRE: He just whiffed? Yeah.

AUSTIN: He just whiffed.

SYLVIA: Like, he didn’t get—I think he didn’t get her with the part of the leg he’s supposed to; he got it more like with his thigh, so it kinda looked like that thing Billy Gunn used to do [laughs] where he sits on their head almost.

[Dre and Austin laugh]

ART: I believe you mean Fameasser.

SYLVIA: Fameasser! That’s what it was called.

AUSTIN and SYLVIA: Yeah.

DRE: God.

AUSTIN: Do you just say that? Do you just turn it into a variation? Is that the put over? It’s like “A variation on the Bloody Valentine!”  

ART: Or just like “You can feel that impact!”

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: Just selling it, telling you that something you know didn’t happen happened [laughs].

DRE (as Moran): I tell you what: if you don’t know this business, you don’t know how much damage that one did!  

AUSTIN: [laughs] There it is.

DRE (as Moran): Charlie Cupi is a technical wrestler and he knows how to make the hits count.

ART: He’s the Ranger.

AUSTIN: What is that? What is—

SYLVIA: [laughs] What?

AUSTIN: Like a D&D party?

SYLVIA: Like Throndir?

ART: Yeah, that was—

SYLVIA: Was that the callback?

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.

DRE: There’s only one “the Ranger” here, Art.

AUSTIN: Oh, I get you. The Ranger. Now I understand.

ALI: Mm-hm.

AUSTIN: Yes. Good.

[Dre and Sylvia laugh]

ART: It’s not good if we had to do that. You don’t have to tell me it’s good; I know it wasn’t good.

AUSTIN: Well, you know, it was—so, you got a ten plus, huh?

[Art laughs]

SYLVIA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: So, you hit the finisher clean. You gain one Audience. So that’s a two; you get two Audience from that. Or you go up to two Audience, right? And now you both get belts. What’s—I think the bell gets rung, there’s like—it feels like chaos in the arena ‘cause no one expected this. Everyone expected either Blackjack to retain or for Aqua Illusion to get the pin. And so you get the pin, it’s this weird thing ‘cause you’re a Heel who is teamed with someone who’s over in Aqua Illusion. What do you two do in the ring as this happens? As the bell is rung and as you get the win? [Ali laughs] As the belts are brought out for you.

SYLVIA: Oh man.

ALI: I mean, I dunno, what kind of tag team do we want to be?

SYLVIA: I have kind of an idea?

ALI: Yeah, go ahead.

SYLVIA: Where it’s like it looks like they’re—they give each other—they get the tag team belts first and it looks like they’re gonna celebrate together. Like Aqua’s about to raise Charlie’s hand and then before she can do it, he just starts celebrating with the singles title.

AUSTIN: Aw.

ALI: [laughs] Aw.

AUSTIN: So not forming that permanent tag team?

SYLVIA: I mean, forming a tag team for now, but Charlie is also still Charlie.

AUSTIN: Right.

SYLVIA: And then I think he gets the mic and says “Hey, thanks partner,” before they leave.

ALI: Mhm.

SYLVIA: And it’s very pointed on emphasizing the fact that they’re now the tag team champions together.

AUSTIN: Right, right.

DRE (as Moran): I don’t know if Cupid’s arrow hit Aqua Illusion in the heart tonight, but I can’t wait to see what’s next for these two superstars!

AUSTIN: God.

SYLVIA: Fuck.

AUSTIN: Alright, so here’s what I need. I need to know—you’re in a position now where you could make that play. You can get that contract, if you wanted it. Which is, you could spend both of those advances—both of those championship advances you got just now, Sylvia, to get up to four Audience. ‘Cause you gained an Audience from hitting a ten on your finisher.

SYLVIA: Ooh. Oh man, I don’t know. ‘Cause if we do this again, I want Charlie to be able to be a bit better than me going “I'm gonna roll Work now.”

AUSTIN: Oh no, totally.

SYLVIA: So I kinda want to get some more moves.

AUSTIN: Totally, fair. Fair.

SYLVIA: So I think I’m just gonna take the one Audience and then think on a move I can get.

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: ‘Cause I want to make this—[laughs]. I was—when I was playing—yeah.

AUSTIN: You got two advances, so you could get two moves out of this, so. That’s good.

SYLVIA: Yeah, but I think the answer now at the very least is I’m not going to push to four.

AUSTIN: Okay.

SYLVIA: ‘Cause I do need to look over what moves are available and stuff before I make that decision.

AUSTIN: Right. Alright, so then—

SYLVIA: But I know for a fact I won’t be pushing now.

AUSTIN: Right. Okay. So. Everybody leaves. The Hail to the Chief plays one more time, the slow New Orleans-style jazz one and then the fast one, as the House and then Ms. Carlisle come out. And Ms. Carlisle’s carrying a briefcase. And she gets on the mic and says:

AUSTIN (as Ms. Carlisle): Constitution Sports Entertainment would like to call Jake the Jackal to the ring.

AUSTIN: Jake, do you show up?

ART: Yeah, I can’t not show up. That’s a stupid question.

AUSTIN: [laughs] There’s a podium. There’s red, white, and blue banners and stuff.

ART: [??] must pose.

AUSTIN: Yeah, fair. And in the middle of the ring, you come out. Your theme plays, I guess. And Ms. Carlisle puts the briefcase down on a podium, opens it up, looks at you, looks at the contract, then leans into the microphone and she says:

AUSTIN (as Ms. Carlisle): We saw an amazing array of athletics and wrestling prowess here tonight. New champions were crowned and long-term rivalries were formed. But it was you, Jackal, that showed you had the stuff. For too long, I think, the legend of the Jackal was...undersold. You were forced to move through Territories and in front of small crowds—passionate ones like this, but it’s time for you to move to the main stage. Everyone in the world will chant your name, Jake the Jackal. All you have to do is sign.

AUSTIN: And she pulls the contract out and places it down on her—closes the briefcase and places it on the briefcase. Simeon’s hands are, like, tapping on his knees, anxiously. He’s like [whispers] “Come on.” And I think she hands you the microphone. And a pen. Or she hands you the pen but she—and she holds the microphone. Which means for you to cut a promo here, to say something, you’d have to take the microphone from her.

ART: Um, Jake, like—it’s on like a clipboard?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: Like one of those folios?

AUSTIN: Yeah, yeah.

ART: Jake picks up the folio and, you know—oh! Jake takes little reading glasses out of his jacket [Austin laughs]. And puts his reading glasses on. And picks up the folio and starts reading the contract. He mouths some of the words to himself. And he takes the pen and he—it’s a click pen or it’s a cap pen?

AUSTIN: Oh, it’s a cap pen.

ART: Alright.

AUSTIN: It’s a very fancy cap pen.

ART: He takes the cap off. He throws it behind him into the audience [Austin snorts]. And he picks up the folio so it’s like you can’t see it, and he starts writing in the folio. It looks like he’s singing his name, there’s a lot of flourish to it. Close the folio, and he hands it back, and in the handoff, he ends up with the microphone.

AUSTIN: Oh, okay. Good. And she offers you her hand before you start to speak. To shake it.  

ART: He puts the microphone up to his mouth and says:

ART (as Jake): I think you’re gonna want to look in that folio before you shake my hand. I’ve traveled a lot. And I’m happy here. In my home, in Bluff City. And here, at Promenade.

ART: And she opens the folio to reveal that instead of signing his name, Jake has drawn a middle finger on the signature line.

[Austin, Dre, and Ali laugh]

AUSTIN: Oh my God. This is breaking kayfabe.

ART: Uh, yeah, I suppose it is.

AUSTIN: Right?

ART: Yeah, I guess I was probably supposed—the book finish was probably signing the contract [laughs].

AUSTIN: Oh yeah. A hundred percent. Give me that roll. 2d6 plus Real [snorts]—your Real is negative one. But hey, you have four Momentum. Three Momentum?

ART: Three Momentum.

AUSTIN: Yeah. So, you rolled a nine. Which is: “Seven to nine, you blur the line. Gain two Momentum and pick one: Creative books you in a punitive match, the revelation loses you minus one Heat with someone, or you lose someone’s support backstage.” Or, you could push it up with that Momentum up until you get plus one Audience. I guess you already have four Audience.  

ART: And you know what? If we ever come back to this, I’ll take a punitive match.

AUSTIN: Yeah, uh-huh.

ART: Jake throws the mic up and it lands—it’s one of those things where you can tell, that microphone’s broken. It was on.

AUSTIN: Right. Yeah, you broke that microphone. Cool, thanks.

ART: And he does the thing where, like, you know where wrestlers go to the ropes and kind of flip backwards out of the ring?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

ART: He does one—there’s probably a name for that. He does one of those and just walks back. And as he’s walking back, his music, like, eventually hits.

AUSTIN: Right.

ART: Because, like, the truck wasn’t—

AUSTIN: Simeon is screaming at you.

ART: Yeah, uh-huh.

AUSTIN: Just like, from the ropes.

AUSTIN (as Shaw): [angrily] Jake! Jake, you’re fucking everything up! Jake, my dad called in a favor! Jake! Jake, you’re supposed—come on, Jake!

        ART (as Jake): I don’t want to go! I like it here! I got a barbecue next month!

[Ali and Austin laugh]

        ART (as Jake): I’m making wings! I live here! I don’t live in New York!

        AUSTIN (as Shaw): Connecticut!

AUSTIN: —says Simeon.

        AUSTIN (as Shaw): They’re in Connecticut!

        ART (as Jake): That’s worse!

        AUSTIN (as Shaw): Nice summers!

        ART (as Jake): [fed up] Okay.

AUSTIN: And so you go backstage. And I think, you know, you're switching into, you know, your civilian clothes, walking through the back of the—

ART: This might be a Montreal screw job moment. I might have to get out of there in my work clothes [laughs].

AUSTIN: Oh yeah, that’s fair. I think so. I think that’s fair [Ali laughs]. Yeah.

ALI: Alexa’s outside.

ART: There might have to be a car in the parking lot waiting for me [laughs].

ALI: Yeah.

SYLVIA: I was gonna say, Syd brought her dad’s van to her part-time job.

[chorus of yeahs]

AUSTIN: Yes, a hundred percent. And I think just as you’re getting in the van, you see Mr. B again. Who n—does a little.shrugging nod, like a “Ooh, well played” type thing. That’s the—

ART (as Jake): That’s the one I think is a ghost.

AUSTIN: Um, I’m gonna do something just super quick to see if we can cash in on this real quick. Syd, do you want to give me an Academics roll?

[Ali laughs]

SYLVIA: Oh my God. I forgot how—how does this work again?

AUSTIN: Let me look it up. InSp—oh, wait, no, look, this is why I keep all this shit together is I still have all those documents right here [Ali laughs]. Skill roll chart: I think you roll the—I think you roll your Academics?

SYLVIA: Do I just roll three dice? I can’t remember how this works.

AUSTIN: I think—I think so? I’m checking. I’m checking the screen that I have [Ali laughs]. Um...yeah. Yep. You roll 3d6. Roll three dice, that’s all there is to it.

SYLVIA: [exhales] Okay. Thirteen.

AUSTIN: That’s a five, so.

SYLVIA: Oh, five, right.

AUSTIN: “After you make this roll, you’re going to have a handful of dice with numbers, find the highest number.” So it’s a five. Which is good. So, I think that Syd recognizes—here’s a question: did you get this guy’s name from Faustolfe? Faustolfe, did you—

ART: Not unless there was an offscreen conversation.

AUSTIN: Yeah, was—

ART: I just heard “don’t sign” and we had the conversation last episode about why I didn’t want to go; I thought this was like—

AUSTIN: Right, right, right. Um, so I think—I think this is just, on a five, which is good...Syd—and without the name—I think maybe, Syd, you just recognize immediately, based on the information, based on, like, the—or is there some sort of tech here that we could have—three, you also have a three in Tech. Does Syd have some sort of special tech for this? That seems viable.

SYLVIA: Um, possibly? Oh gosh, I didn’t expect ghost hunters today, so I didn’t—I’m kinda scrambling now.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Me neither. The answer can be yes and it can be very simple. It can be like a CRT monitor in the car. You know, it’s been a while since we checked in with the ghost hunters.

SYLVIA: Yeah, I’ll just—I will say yes and it will be a CRT monitor in the car [laughs].

AUSTIN: Okay. It’s just like, “Demonic presence detected.” Or not even demonic, it should just be clear that this is a—it’s more than just demonic because demonic suggests a very broad thing. This is like “This person is from Hell.” Like, from Lucifer-Hell. From, like, the—is a Duke or something. From Hell. From down South.

SYLVIA: Hmmm.

AUSTIN: And just, you know, tips the hat, Cedric the Entertainer, tips the old hat, Mr. B. [Ali chortles]. And walks away. And y’all drive off. What are our final shots of Charlie Cupid, Aqua Illusion, Erica, and Count Faustolfe.

ALI: I mean, I think the mood is nice backstage, right?

AUSTIN: I don’t know.

ALI: I think so [laughs].

SYLVIA: I like that. I’d like to end on a nice note, after the demon.

ALI: Yeah!

AUSTIN: Okay. Yeah.

ALI: Yeah, I feel like she was—

AUSTIN: But hey, the demon helped! The demon was there to help!

SYLVIA: Yeah, but it’s scary.

[Ali laughs]

AUSTIN: Oh. Is it? Okay.

ALI: But yeah, I think it’s her congratulating Charlie and Count Faustolfe and doing the thing where [laughs] she puts her arm over both of their necks and, like, shakes their hair and then they get a beer or whatever. Like “You guys did a good job today! I told you you could do it!” She was always like the backstage cheerleader for both of them.

SYLVIA: There’s a lot of ugly-crying on Chuck’s part. Really happy about it.

DRE: Aww, buddy.

AUSTIN: [sympathetically] Chuck. Chuck.

ALI: [laughs] Aww.

SYLVIA: I’m not gonna do—I can’t do the voice. It’s el—it’s a quarter to midnight, if I try to make ugly-crying sounds, I’m gonna wake somebody up [laughs].

[Dre laughs]  

AUSTIN: No, it’s fine. It’s fair.

ALI: [laughs] Just like [exaggerated crying sounds].

[Dre laughs]

SYLIVA: If I try to speak while doing that, it’ll just be me yelling.

AUSTIN: Good.

DRE: I think the last shot of Lenny is—so, if they are getting a beer at a bar together, he goes to the bar payphone and calls his kind of famous cousin. And is like:

DRE (as Lenny): Hey man, do you think I could make it up for a weekend at the gym sometime?

ALI: Aw.

AUSTIN (as Lenny’s cousin): I’m thinking, maybe I’d go a different way. All this wrestling entertainment stuff...scripts are a little tighter, you know. I know what a fight is, I know what a script is. This stuff...it’s too in the middle.

[Sound of cheering. “The Grapplers Down at Promenade Arena” begins to play. Sound of cheering fades out as music continues to end]