Dear Liisphyra

Episode 32 (S4E2): Matters of the Seating Chart

Official Transcript

Written by Katie Siegel

[cheerful intro theme]

Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!

Agh, hit my burn in the middle of that. Hopefully my pain wasn’t evident in my introduction. I always try to start this show on a cheery note, but it’s hard to do that when you accidentally hit the burn on your arm.

Don’t worry about me, Liisteners, it’ll heal up soon enough. I unfortunately fell victim to one of the most accident-inducing activities one can partake in. Say it with me, folks: poetry.

If you know me, you know I do everything I can to avoid poetry of any kind. But my best friend Raedra signed up for a poetry slam, and I wanted to go support her. Big mistake. Remember, kids: never support your friends.

I’m just kidding, it’s good to support your friends. But first make sure they didn’t also sign you up to be their second for the poetry slam.

“It’ll be fine,” Raedra said. “I’m not gonna go down. You won’t have to do anything.” And you know what? I believed her. Raedra’s great at everything she does, so why would I expect her to get knocked out at the poetry slam?

Plus, she’d probably been practicing—oh, what? Oh, she hadn’t been practicing? Well that’s fine, as long as she’d participated in a poetry slam before. Oh, she’d never participated in a poetry slam before? In fact, she’d never even attended a poetry slam before, and only had a vague grasp of the rules? Very cool, very cool. “Sure, Raedra,” I said, like a silly golliwoddle. “Let’s do this!”

Raedra got knocked out by two back-to-back slant rhymes in the first round. She barely managed to finish her anaphora before she went down. I barely had time to clock what happened before I was being brought into the ring, skimming the rule book I’d borrowed like my life depended on it.

Honestly, I don’t think I did too bad. Ever since I got hit with that rhyming curse that one time, I feel like I have a slightly better relationship with poetry than I once did. But I still struggled. Whipped up a little haiku. Didn’t leave a mark!

Thankfully, Raedra’s opponent seemed to take pity on me. They burned me with assonance during a caesura, then told me I could forfeit. I immediately accepted. I hadn’t gotten to the forfeit section of the rules by the time we started, or I would’ve done that much sooner.  

I got Raedra revived and took her home. She apologized for dragging me into the poetry slam, and said she’d practice more before signing up for the next one. I said I’d come to support her at the next one, from the stands. Far away from the action.

Honestly, the burn looks kind of cool. Like I had a run-in with a fire demon or something. Hey, Ruvyn, do you think this makes me look intimidating? Owie! Oh, I touched it! Ow ow ow ow ow. Nevermind, don’t answer that.

Alright, let’s get on with the show. We’ve got some letters here from people who need some advice. Hopefully my recent poor decisions haven’t affected my credibility too much. If you need some advice, you can send your letters to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.

[rustling papers] Our first letter comes from Afo. They write:

“Dear Liisphyra,

My uncle won’t stop moving my furniture, and it’s driving me up the wall.

I live alone, but my uncle who lives in the area regularly comes over. I enjoy his visits, except that every time he’s here, he moves at least one piece of furniture. Yesterday, it was my kitchen table. Last week, my couch. The week before that, the defunct demonic altar in my front hall.

Every time he does this, he insists that where he moved the thing to is better, either visually or for convenience. But every time he does this, I remind him that I have a lot of charms custom-cast into my cottage, and everything is designed to optimize the performance of those charms.

For example, my kitchen table is where I put it because I chop vegetables on the counter by the water basin, and the chopping charm on my knife works best when there’s a clear flow of magic between the counter and the doorway. When the table is where my uncle wants it, my chopped carrots are all uneven, and I can’t give the knife a tomato without juice spraying everywhere!

Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch and decided I wanted to read a book, so I invoked a summoning charm that’s meant to grab a random book from my bookshelf in the other room and fly it to the couch. But because my uncle moved the shelf without me noticing, I suddenly had thirty books hurtling at me all at once. I only just had time to throw some pillows over myself to minimize the damage, and even then I still got whacked in the knee by a copy of Reniven’s Fun Day With Friends. And that’s not a light book, in weight or in tone.

No matter how many times I try to explain to my uncle that I like things where they are, he keeps moving stuff. What should I do?

Ako”

Whew. As someone who’s also experienced a whole bookshelf of books flying at her—long story—I can empathize.

To start off, I know you’ve already tried talking to your uncle about this, but have you shared with him the consequences of his moving the furniture? It’s one thing if he just doesn’t believe it’s that big of a deal, but a whole other thing if you tell him that one misplaced table could lead to a whole drawerful of knives flying at you. I’d hope that if you inform him of the consequences of moving the furniture, he’d understand better.

However, if he still doesn’t change his actions after being told that—well, one, you might want to consider whether you really want him in your house. But you said you enjoy his visits, so let’s come up with some alternatives to just banning your uncle from entering your home.

You said your cottage is heavily charmed, so how about some charms that keep the furniture in place? A heavy charm to make something weigh too much to be pushed, or maybe a freeze charm to anchor it to its spot on the floor.

Or, if you maybe want to teach your uncle a lesson, you could use a charm that gives him just a little, harmless zap if he tries to move any of the furniture. Juuust enough to train him to expect a negative result any time he attempts to move anything in your home.

So, to summarize: try talking to your uncle again, but if it’s just not sinking in, zap him with magic! And/or make the furniture immovable. And/or show him what it’s like to have thirty books flying at him as a consequence of his actions. That one’s a last resort, though.

Hope that helps! Thanks for writing in!

[sighs] Family can be tough. One time my brother Lenral and I spent half a Lindambar family reunion hiding in a tree because our Aunt Teli had brought a bunch of her enchanted dancing shoes and was looking for people to try them out on. We didn’t mind dancing, but the enchantment she’d put on the shoes always made people do the silliest dances.

Lenral sacrificed himself for me that day. I can still picture him doing high-kicks as I escaped to the next tree. Had to do the dishes for a month to pay him back for that.

[rustling papers] Our next letter comes from Eafkling. They write:

“Dear Liisphyra,

I’ve been on two dates with this wood elf, and both dates were really good. I like this guy a lot. He’s funny, handsome, and doesn’t shoot fire out of his nose as a party trick or talk incessantly about how his grandfather invented the self-cleaning diviner’s orb.

Dating has been rough, clearly, so this guy has been a breath of fresh air. My issue is with his height. I know that sounds bad, but I actually don’t have an issue with the heights of people I date. My issue is that I have no clue how tall he actually is.

You see, on our first date, my eyeline was right above his nose. I remember this clearly, because I was like, “Oh good, I won’t be in the line of fire if his party trick is the same as the last guy I dated.”

Later in the night, he went to the bathroom, and when he came back, I began thinking he seemed taller than I’d remembered. Earlier in the night, he’d asked me to pass him the basket of fairy fries we’d been sharing, but after he’d returned from the bathroom, he was able to reach them himself.

Soon after that, he ducked under the table to pick up a fork he’d dropped. When he re-emerged, he was suddenly way shorter than before. He was barely able to look over the table. Then he pointed out an interesting-looking painting on the wall behind me, and after I’d turned back from admiring it, he’d sprung back up to taller than the start of the date.

I could tell he was so tall that he was having trouble trying to adjust his legs under the table without accidentally kicking me. I made a show of tucking my legs under me, just so he’d have more room to get comfortable.

That was just the first date. Everything else went well, and I decided to just chalk it up to him having a weird day. But similar things happened on our second date. One minute he’d appear to be one height, then he’d go out of sight and come back way taller or shorter. At one point I tried to make a casual, joking comment about it, just to signal to him that he could feel comfortable telling me what was going on, but he just changed the subject.

Besides this one thing, I really like this guy. But I feel like he’s hiding something from me with this height thing, and I don’t want to start a relationship feeling like I can’t trust the other person. Any advice?

Confused,

Eafkling”

Hm, that is confusing. My first guess would be that he’s casting some sort of illusion charm to make himself appear shorter than he really is. Because, okay, so when he came back from the bathroom, he was taller…OH! I think I’ve got it.

So, I think it is an illusion charm, but I don’t think he’s casting it himself. I think he might have an item on him that’s casting and holding the illusion, like a charmed ring or a bracelet. Those kinds of items can get finicky if they’re not given water resistance, so I think he might’ve accidentally gotten it wet when he was in the bathroom, and it’s been on the fritz ever since. It seems like he’s been trying to fix the item, like when he ducked under the table, but it’s just causing his height to fluctuate even more dramatically.

Assuming this is the case, the next question is: what do you want to do now? I understand not wanting to feel like the person you're dating is keeping something from you, and if it really makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to call it off.

But if you like the guy otherwise, I say give him more time to realize that you don’t care how tall he is. Sounds like he wishes he were shorter, but if you keep doing things like making room for his legs when he’s tall, and giving him opportunities to open up about why his height keeps changing, he might realize that he can feel comfortable being his actual height in front of you.

And couldn’t hurt to throw in a few mentions of how you like tall people. Just to give him a little confidence boost.

Hope that helps! Thanks for writing in!

Alrighty, we’re gonna take a quick break to hear from our sponsor, and then we’ll be back to take a call! If you need some advice, you can tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.

Sponsor: Hello. This is Takova Poplanore, author of Towering Forest Tribune Bestseller Morvan’s Mystic Journey. My next book, Morvan’s Dull Walk Home, is coming out in a few months. Here’s a sneak peak, read by me, Takova Poplanore. Please enjoy.

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It seemed that simply giving away one’s wares to any passing adventurer was not the most sustainable business practice, as the salesman’s stand now stood abandoned along the side of the road.

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Thank you for listening to this excerpt of Morvan’s Dull Walk Home, by me, Takova Poplanore, available for pre-order now.

Liisphyra: Aaaaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. And guess what? We have a caller on the vine. Hello caller, you’re on the air!

Finli: Hi, Liisphyra, I really need your help.

Liisphyra: I’m glad to hear it! Well, not that you need help. I assume you’d rather not be in a position to need help. But since you do need help, I’m glad you called. What’s your name?

Finli: My name’s Finli. I’m a wedding planner, and…oh, it’s just a mess, it’s a mess!

Liisphyra: Okay, it’s okay. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?

Finli: This is my first official job as an event planner, if you don’t count my cousin Kreida’s Sweet 16. Which you shouldn’t, because my aunt micromanaged everything that day. This is going to be the first time that I’m in charge of an event all on my own.

Liisphyra: Congratulations! That’s very exciting.

Finli: It’s a disaster.

Liisphyra: Oh. Well, I’m sure it’s not that bad. Is there an issue with the couple?

Finli: No, they’re great.

Liisphyra: The venue?

Finli: No.

Liisphyra: The food?

Finli: No.

Liisphyra: The—

Finli: Should I just tell you what the issue is?

Liisphyra: Oh, yes, please. I was running out of aspects of a wedding to list. It’s actually been a bit since I’ve been to a wedding. Are people still doing the thing where they choose one random guest to dress up as a tree and chase the couple down the aisle?

Finli: In some regions, yes. But not at this wedding.

Liisphyra: Never liked that tradition. Kept expecting trees to start chasing me for weeks after that wedding.

Finli: The issue is the guest list.

Liisphyra: Mmm. No one’s RSVP’d?

Finli: No, not that.

Liisphyra: Everyone RSVP’d??

Finli: I don’t think the guessing is working.

Liisphyra: Okay, tell me.

Finli: [sighs] I got a letter in the special mailbox that I set up for the couple for wedding-related mail. If any mail looks like a gift or something I usually leave it for the couple to open, but this letter said “URGENT” on the envelope in huge letters. So, I opened it, thinking it might be from one of the vendors.

Oh, boy, was I wrong. The parchment was blank at first, and then words started magically appearing on the page. The letter was from this weird wizard who lives in town. He said that if he’s not invited to this wedding, he’s going to curse their firstborn child.

Liisphyra: Namrys alive. Curse them with what?

Finli: He said he wasn’t sure yet, but he’d figure it out by the time the baby arrived. He also demanded to be on the mailing list for the pregnancy announcement. Anyway, obviously, I brought this to my clients immediately. And you know what the bride said?

[silence]

Finli: Liisphyra? Did I lose you?

Liisphyra: Oh, sorry, I didn’t think you wanted me to guess anymore.

Finli: She read the letter and went, “Oh, that’s just Uncle Partlin.” Her uncle! Apparently she didn’t think he’d wanna come, so she just left him off the invite list. Did not seem concerned at all about the whole curse thing, just said to add him to the list.

Liisphyra: Sounds like the problem was solved.

Finli: Not at all! The RSVP date was forever ago. I’ve already made the seating chart. It was a very delicate process, let me tell you. I had to buy more poster board after I split the first one in half outta frustration. And now this Uncle Partlin came in and messed it all up!

Liisphyra: Can’t you just add another chair to a table?

Finli: Can I just…HA! Liisphyra, you gotta understand, a seating chart at a wedding is a delicate ecosystem. You can’t just go sticking chairs in willy-billy.

Liisphyra: Whoa. I didn’t know it was that serious.

Finli: It’s that serious, alright. Oh, what a mess…

Liisphyra: There aren’t any empty seats left?

Finli: Well…there’s one at the rando table.

Liisphyra: The what?

Finli: You know, the table where you put all the randos. Old bosses, dentists, guy you went to high school with who said he was looking forward to the wedding and you didn’t have the heart to tell him that he wasn’t invited.

Liisphyra: Sure, okay. So you don’t want to put the uncle at the rando table.

Finli: Well, it actually wouldn’t be the worst idea…the bride said her uncle doesn’t really get along with the rest of the family.

Liisphyra: Can’t imagine why.

Finli: So he might prefer the rando table anyway. But that’s one of the most delicate tables of them all. Took me forever to seat them based on their accommodations.

Liisphyra: What accommodations?

Finli: [rustling papers] Let’s see. Table 12. Edily cannot sit next to or across from Urvin. Long-standing, one-sided feud; she can’t be next to Urvin or look directly at Urvin.

Liisphyra: I feel like these people should be at different tables.

Finli: Oh, you think it’s as easy as that? Why don’t you take a crack at it? Hope you’ve got some extra posterboard!

Liisphyra: No, okay, I’m sure you’re right. Continue.

Finli: Alright. Edily can’t be next to or across from Urvin because of the feud. Ra’mel has to face north when he eats. He made a deal with a magic tree or something, and that’s the only way the food will taste any good now.

Liisphyra: Fascinating.

Finli: Harbette can’t have anyone on their side that’s closest to the waterfront, which is just west of the venue. Apparently they’ve got some mermaid lineage that makes their arm randomly shoot out to point at the nearest body of water. Wouldn’t be too pleasant for whoever’s sitting in that seat, so that’s the chair I left empty.

Liisphyra: I see.

Finli: Oh, and Urvin and Dirabella have to sit next to each other.

Liisphyra: Oh, let me guess: a well-meaning but misguided warlock admired their devotion to each other and gave them a gift that was really a curse: that they could never be parted from one another for as long as they both drew breath.

Finli: I was just told they’re very codependent.

Liisphyra: Oh. Okay.

Finli: You have a very active imagination, Liisphyra.

Liisphyra: Well I just thought because the others had…nevermind. So, Harbette’s thing seems to be the trickiest. If you put Uncle Partlin at the table, no matter where you sit people, someone’s gonna get hit by Harbette’s uncontrollable urge to point at the water.

Finli: Exactly.

Liisphyra: Although…how big are the tables?

Finli: Pretty big. Each table gets their own giant nichpin casserole, so, big enough to accommodate that.

Liisphyra: What if Harbette is facing the water? Then they’ll just be pointing across the table without hitting anyone.

Finli: Sure, that could work…but now I have to move everyone else around!

Liisphyra: Oh, we can do this, hang on…let me grab a pencil…okay. North, south, east, west…we put Harbette facing west…Ra’mel next to them, facing north…then Edily…Uncle Partlin in the empty seat…Dirabella…and Urvin. Oop, wait, no, that puts Urvin across from Edily. Switch those last two. Does that work?

Finli: I think…I think that works! Wow! Liisphyra, you should be a wedding planner, you’ve got a good eye for this.

Liisphyra: Oh, I couldn’t possibly, I still have nightmares about a person dressed as a tree chasing me through a wedding.

Finli: It’s so interesting the things that stick with us from childhood, huh?

Liisphyra: I was 120.

[beat]

Finli: Well, thank you for your help, Liisphyra!

Liisphyra: Any time! Thanks for calling!

Finli: Bye now.

Liisphyra: Bye!

I need to make it clear that I’m not afraid of trees. I love trees, I live in a tree! But every time I see one that looks to be elf-sized…well, I make sure I don’t turn my back on it, that’s for sure.

Alright, this burn is starting to get itchy, so I’m gonna go put some salve on it. Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra! Next up we have…[rustling papers] “A wood elf giving advice for approximately 20 minutes, give or take.” Hang on, that sounds a lot like my show. Ruvyn! What is this? Oh, oops, read the wrong line. “Birdsong.” Just “birdsong.” That’s more like it.

I’ll talk to you all again real soon. In the meantime, keep your chin up, and make sure you practice before signing up for a poetry slam. And maybe prep some salve, just in case. Bye!

[chill guitar outro theme]

Nicole: Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, edited, and written by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra, the sponsor, and Finli were voiced by Katie Siegel. And I’m Nicole. Hi!

If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will move your furniture to wherever you want it.

For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also join The Chattering Grove discord. The link to that is in the description. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!