What If World - 176 - Guilds and Goblins Part 1.docx

Podcast: What If World

Episode: 176: Guilds & Goblins (Part 1)

File Length: 00:16:52

Transcription by Keffy

[Rising harp scales followed by the What If World theme song.]

Lyrics: What if kittens played the glockenspiel? And what if unicorns were real? What if you could fly or travel back in time, we welcome you to What If World. What If World. This is What If World.

[Gentle bell music.]

Zizi: Hey there folks, and welcome back to Guilds & Goblins.

[Record scratch]

The game where your questions and ideas inspire our adventures. I’m Zizi, your host, and guildmaster, and our story today was inspired by a review question from Bridget. She’s 11 years old, loves playing outside and baking really hard things and she asks, what if all the Dungeons & Dragons dice came to life and complained that their heads were hurting? Thanks, Bridget.

In our game, Guilds & Goblins, the dice do seem to have a mind of their own.

Zach: Oh, oh, can I introduce the next question?

Zizi: Okay Zach, go ahead.

Zach: This question is from a Patron named Barron.

Barron: Hello, my name is Barron and I’m five, and my questions is what if a rabbit played the trumpet and it got sucked in? Thank you.

Zach: Thank you, Barron, and thanks to your sister Jaina for her questions, too.

Zizi: Now, let’s start the game.

Fred: Whoa, whoa, Zizi. Not so fast. We got to give a shout out to Samuel first. He’s eight and a half and he has a beagle/corgi mix named Freddie!

Jojo Fluffy Kat: And I’ve got a meow-out for Emily, age five. She enjoys coloring, swimming, and reading.

Dracomax: Dracomax here to shout out Charlie from Ottowa, Ontario, Canada. Charlie enjoys skateboarding. And I have a final shout out to the Bro brothers. Oh, and Edgar. They want to grow up to be a team of cryptid and alien hunters.

Zizi: Okay, now let’s find out what if a rabbit played the trumpet and it got sucked in, and what if all the dice came to life and complained their heads were hurting.

[Rising harp scale.]

Scully the Squid: Zizi?

[Record scratch]

Shouldn’t we introduce our characters?

Lola Rabbit: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, shouldn’t I get to go first, shouldn’t I get to go first? I talk the fastest, so I, you know, I’m going to get it out really fast.

Zizi: Okay, Lola.

Lola Rabbit: Okay, okay, okay, okay, I’ll go first. I’m Lowlandra. I’m a little halfling, most of the time, but when it’s a full moon I turn into a werebunny. Really all of my people are were creatures of some kind or other, but I specialize in nature magic, so I can turn into other kinds of creatures, too.

Zizi: Thanks, Lowlandra.

Zach: My name’s Zach, but my character is Zachimedes, a goblin wizard who’ll eat just about anything. And he specializes in eggchantment.

Zizi: Yes, he did say egg-chantment.

Scully the Squid: I’m Scully the Squid, but my character’s name is Scullen Bones. Scullen is a skeleton and a tricky pirate, too. They can take pieces of themself and have them skitter off to play tricks.

Zizi: Okay Zachimedes, Lowlandra, Scullen Bones, you know how the game works. When you want to do something that might be hard, you roll the die.

[die clatters]

Die: Oof!

Zizi: The harder it is, the higher you need to roll. But if you’re really good at it or you come up with a really good idea, you’ll get a bonus.

Zach: Uh, Zizi, we know how to play Guilds & Goblins.

Lola: Oh yeah, you know we know how to go.

Scully: I’m ready for the adventure, guild master.

[Rising harp scale.]

Zizi: Okay, adventurers. You find yourself in the ruins of Tinkertown in the middle of the Truce Day Parade.

[Parade noises in the background: cheering and snare drums]

Scully: Uh, what’s Truce Day?

Zizi: Well, Truce Day, as Scullen Bones surely knows, is the day when all the guilds of Barend get together and pass the trumpet of travel from one guild to the next as a sign of trust.

Zach: Yeah, everybody knows about Truce Day, if you read the Guilds & Goblins player primer.

Lola: Yeah, I don’t think that book exists.

Zizi: Shh! I’m trying to guild master.

Zach: Sorry!

Scully: Sorry.

Lola: Oh, whoops!

Zizi: Lowlandra, Zachimedes, and Scullen, you all come from separate guilds but you’ve each been assigned to crowd control at the furthest edge of the parade since you’re still merely apprentices.

Lola: Oh man, we’ve got to level up fast. I don’t want to be an apprentice for too long.

Zizi: But even from the end of the street, you can see Queen Rabbit taking the trumpet of travel from the leader of the skeleton crew. But when she plays the ceremonial song on the trumpet.

Mimicking trumpet: Bubudeboo, boop boopdeboopbooboobup bup buuuuh [trumpet sounds in background]

Zizi: Suddenly, Queen Rabbit is sucked inside the trumpet.

Scully: Uh, that can’t be good.

Zizi: As is everyone in the immediate vicinity.

Zach: The immediate vuh—what?

Lola: She means everyone nearby.

Zach: Oh no, the trumpet of travel must be cursed. Do I have an egg of break eggchantment?

Zizi: That’s a powerful spell, but I’ll say you have just one that your parents gave you in case of emergency.

Zach: Well, then I start rushing up to the trumpet.

Scully: Yeah, me too!

Lola: Yeah, okay, me three.

Zizi: Zachimedes, you’re a quick little goblin and you’re almost within reach of the trumpet when, SCOOP! A bread giant picks it up and starts running away.

Zach: Oh no!

Lola: Lowlandra cries out: stop, theif! That’s got my queen inside!

Zizi: The giant turns around, her long legs have already carried her halfway down the street and she takes out a big loaf of bread and throws a bunch of slices on the ground. They quickly rise. They are mindless rye guys!

Scully: They’re zombie-like slices of rye bread that’ll stop at nothing until they make a sandwich of you.

Zizi: That’s right, Scullen. Adventurers, what do you do?

Lola: That’s the queen of my guild stuck in the trumpet of travel, so I’m going to turn into my were rabbit form, and try to bounce by these rye guys.

Zizi: Okay, they’re big pieces of bread but you can jump really high, so I’ll give you a plus three.

Lola: Okay, guild master [die clatters].

Die: Oof!

Lola: Oh, I rolled a nine.

Zizi: So close, but too rye guys sandwich you from other side. SANDWICH… YUM YUM YUM.

Zach: I don’t want to waste my spells on these rye guys, but can I take a nibble out of one so Lowlandra can get free?

Zizi: Well, goblins can eat almost anything. Roll to see how big of a bite you take.

Zach: Okay [die clatters].

Die: Mmph!

Zach: Oh ho ho! Man! I rolled a natural 20.

[Triumphant chime]

Scully: That’s the best roll you can get!

Zizi: Zachimedes must have skipped breakfast because he munches up a whole delicious piece of rye bread, freeing the were rabbit.

Lola: Hey, thanks. I owe you one.

Zach: Oh, [nomnomnom]

Scully: Oh, it’s my turn. I’m going to take off my right hand with my left hand and see if I can throw it onto that bread giant lady’s shoulder to get the trumpet back.

Zizi: Ooh, hoo hoo. That’s a great idea, but it’s a long throw.

Scully: Come on, dice, don’t fail me now!

[Die clatters]

Die: Mmph!

Scully: Uh, it’s a four.

Die: Yeah it’s a four!

[Record scratch]

You think I’m going keep giving you all natural 20s when you’re dropping me on the head left and right?

Zizi: Mr. 20-sided die, we’ve been through this before.

Die: Yeah, and you promised you would get a softer table to roll me on.

Zizi: You’re right, you’re right, but—

Zach: But it doesn’t sound as good.

Die: Oh, excuuuse me, just roll my dice head around on whatever you want, please. I couldn’t have you not enjoying the sound.

Scully: Hey, Zizi, does my hand fall short?

Zizi: Oh, way short, with a four, it’s only halfway down the street and she’s already headed off in the distance. If you had to take your guess, she’s probably headed to Fort Dessert.

Zach: That’s the last stronghold of the Pastry-ans.

Zizi: Right you are, Zach, but you’ve still got three rye guys to get through if you want to catch up with her. And now it’s their turn to act.

[Dice clatter]

Ooh, one of them rolled a natural 1!

[Disappointed tones]

Die: That’s the worst roll you can possibly get, heh heh heh.

Zizi: One of the rye guys was going to wrap up Zachimedes so tight that he couldn’t even bite, but then the other rye guy tripped and fell into him.

Rye Guy: Whoooaaaaaa…

Zizi: Said the rye guys and you finally got an opening to run after the giant.

Zach: Oh, I want to use my egg of chicken legs to make us all run faster.

Zizi: Nice. Zachimedes throws down an egg. It cracks open and blue-white light streaks out of it, zapping you all like lightning. But instead of hurting you, you each grow long taloned chicken legs that let you run at double speed.

Lola: So now I’m a giant were bunny with chicken legs.

Zizi: Exactly.

Lola: Awesome.

Zizi: You catch up to her at the foot of the fortress. Fort Dessert is lowering its Danish drawbridge to the giant until it sees you three showing up. And then the drawbridge stops.

Zach: Ha-ha! cries Zachimedes. Fort Dessert won’t let you in if we’re coming, too.

Zizi: The giant turns to you three, trumpet in hand.

Giant: Stay away from me, goblin!

Zizi: Says the big bread lady.

Giant: I don’t want to get eaten by a goblin like all of my fellow Pastry-ans past.

Scully: What?

Zach: Huh? I don’t get it.

Zizi: Okay, roll an empathy check.

Scully: Uhh [die clatters]. Oh my gosh, another natural 20.

Die: Yeah, I thought maybe you’d have empathy for how dropping me on my head really starts to—

Scully: What’s she thinking?

Zizi: Well, with the 20, you realize that this bread lady is in fact a bread girl and giant or no, she seems terrified of goblins.

Giant: I saw you eat my rye guy.

Lola: You stole the queen of our guild! And then you sicced your toy soldiers on us.

Giant: That was one of my favorite toys, and now you’re coming for me.

Zach: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Lola: Lowlandra’s gonna jump and try to wrestle the trumpet of travel right out of her hands.

Zizi: Okay, but she’s a giant, she’s very strong.

Lola: Oh yeah, we’ll see how strong she is. [die clatters]

Die: Ooof.

Zizi: An 18. The girl bread giant is so scared of Zachimedes that she’s distracted and you pounce with your mighty chicken legs and wrestle the trumpet away.

Lola: Yeah, I got your trumpet now.

Giant: No, no, please!

Zizi: Says the bread giant.

Giant: Listen, my name is Bridget and I just want to get all of my people to What If World where intelligent talking baked goods don’t get eaten.

Scully: Whoa, she wants to go to our What If World?

Zach: So meta!

Zizi: Just then, massive cannons of frosting aim at you three from atop Fort Desert and fire! [Die clatter] Oh man, how’d I roll so bad again?

Die: Heh heh!

Zach: I mean, come on Zizi, just like get a mouse pad or something.

Die 2: Or a box lined with felt. That’d feel nice on my noggin.

Die: Ah, listen to green and gold D20, they can hardly talk.

Zach: Excuse me, dice, you’re really taking away from the action right now.

Zizi: And with a 4, a 6, and a 10, they miss all three of your so badly that they even get frosting on the bread giant girl.

Giant: Oh no.

Zizi: Says Bridget.

Giant: Now I’m even more delicious-looking to you goblins. [crying] Please don’t eat me.

Zach: Okay, Zachimedes puts away all his attack eggs and walks up to Bridget with his hands open and up above his head. See, I don’t want to eat you. Goblins don’t eat people, we just eat food.

Scully: And garbage.

Lola: And just about anything you can fit in your mouth. That’s not alive, that is.

Zizi: You’re all still standing just outside the walls so the cannons fire again. [Die clatter]

Lola: Oh boy.

Die: Here we go, again.

Zizi: And I will roll on my mouse pad.

[Muffled dice clatter}

Die: Aaah, that feels so good.

Die 2: Yeeup.

Zizi: Zachimedes and Lowlandra, you get a direct hit. Scullen, it’s a close one, but most of the frosting flies right through your skeleton bones.

Zach: Oh, I know. Are we standing over a moat or something?

Zizi: Great question. The drawbridge was just about to lower across a big chasm into a river of raw cookie dough.

Lola: Okay, Lowlandra holds the trumpet of travel over the chasm and says, listen everybody. We’re not here to eat you, so whoever made you think that is wrong. We just want our people back. So if you fire at us again.

Scully: She’s gonna drop the trumpet into cookie chasm!

Zizi: The pastry-ans at the cannons paused and a voice calls out from a tall tower.

Voice: How can we trust you? A were rabbit, a skeleton, and a goblin. You will steal from us, and trick us, and gobble us up.

Zach: Well, how are things ever going to get better if we don’t start trusting each other.

Zizi: Bridget the giant looks at you when you say this.

Giant: I was told goblins didn’t even know what trust was.

Zach: Of course we know what trust is. We all have to have a little trust sometimes otherwise…

Zizi: Yeah, the cannons fire on you three again. You really should have moved a little farther away.

Lola: Oh man, I knew it.

[Dice clatter]

Zizi: Ooh, but another natural 1.

Die: Yeah, I’m trying to help you kids now that you’re looking out for me noggin.

Zizi: One of the cannons accidentally blasts Bridget and she stumbles off the edge of cookie chasm.

Lola: I jump to grab her.

Zach: And I rush over, pulling out my rope.

Scully: And I shoot my bones into a tree trunk for Zach to tie the rope around.

Zizi: Oh, great ideas. I’ll let you take the better of two rolls to see if you can pull this heavy bread giant up.

Zach: Uh oh, is a 14 good enough?

Zizi: Just barely. Lowlandra had a hand on Bridget’s wrists and Zachimedes tied a rope around Lowlandra and then you braced against Scullen Bones to drag Bridget out of the chasm.

Giant: I can’t believe you saved me. I would have been cookie dough for sure.

Zizi: That booming voice sounds again from Fort Dessert.

Voice: Bridget, you have failed in your mission and now you are working with the other guilds.

Lola: No.

Scully: What’s so bad about that?

Voice: You are hereby banished from Fort Dessert and stricken from the Bakers of Barend Guild.

Lola: I’m so sorry, Bridget, we didn’t mean to get you in trouble.

Bridget: No, I am sorry.

Zach: Okay, we’re all sorry, but we should really move a little farther away from the cannon—

Zizi: Too late, Zach. [dice clatter] Oof. You all get blasted away from the chasm as the drawbridge rises.

Scully: Can we blow the trumpet of travel to get out of here?

Giant: Nooo.

Zizi: Says Bridget.

Giant: Only the head baker knew how to reverse the curse.

Zach: Good to know, I almost wasted my break eggchantment.

Giant: We will need something much stronger than that.

Lola: Then I say we use our chicken legs to run out of here real quick.

Zach: Sounds good to me!

Giant: Uh-huh!

Zizi: The three of you start running away and you notice Bridget is running right behind you.

Zach: Oh, cool. Our team just got bigger!

Giant: You’d have me on your team?

Scully: I didn’t actually know we were a team yet.

Lola: Oh, we need a really great team name for the next adventure.

Zach: How about the Zachimedians? Because we’re funny.

Lola: Uh, well, maybe we should try to be a little funnier than that.

Scully: [Laughs] Maybe a kid will help name our adventurer crew.

Zizi: And the four of you head off into the sunset, still dripping with frosting, off to find a way to break the curse on the trumpet of travel. Until the next adventure, the end.

[Falling harp scale.]

Zach: Oh, Zizi! Great game.

Zizi: Oh, thanks Zach. It was my first time as guild master.

Lola: I had a lot of fun.

Scully: I like how the dice rolls actually happened and helped you tell the story.

Zizi: Of course they actually happened. It’s an improv game. We’d like to thank Karen O’Keeffe, our co-creator.

Zach: Greg Martinson for our theme song.

Zizi: And all you kids at home who know that every person deserves to be treated like a person. Until we adventure again, keep wondering.

Cast: Keep wondering!

[What If World theme song plays.]