Doing Disney as a Family in 1988

Doing Disney as a Family in 2018

Consult outdated Fodor’s book about Disney World your mom grabbed from library.

Consult all websites and secret Disney Buff forums as to MIT-calculated algorithm for best time of year to go for optimal Disney Princess photo ops.

Pick up AAA triptik maps to drive to Disney World.

Order customized MagicBands bracelets for each family member along with personalized MagicBandit charms since this will be everyone’s first time with Mickey!!!

Schedule appointments for Bippity Boppity Bootique. Fight with spouse about not squandering FastPass skips on Space Mountain, because, this isn’t 1988, for crying out loud.

Pack for Disney. Don’t forget the visors.

Pack character shirt sets for family for each day in color-coded theme bags so as to attract more photo ops with Mickey & Co. Inform spouse he will be Dopey and he will like it.

Create Pinterest board of all Disney Princess photo ops as well as lists of kiosks where you can preorder embroidered mouse ears. Label Pinterest board “Healthy recipes!” to throw mother-in-law off her scent.

Send note to school with kid to inform teacher son will be missing a day of school for a family vacation. Hope son remembers to give note to teacher.

Plan magical reveal for kids. Charge backup batteries for iPhone in case kids’ reaction is more “Poor Unfortunate Souls” and less “Zippa-dee-doo-Dah.”

Invent Disney family trip hashtag for Instagram so everyone at home can follow all the magic.

Execute magical reveal for kids.

Share video of reveal with mother-in-law. Explain that, sorry, she can’t come with; MagicBands were ordered months ago. Mutter under breath, “What does she think this is? 1988?”

Drive to Disney World. Bring roll of quarters for tolls.

Acquaint kids with Snapchat story script for first day of travel to Disney. Share schedule of which outfits will be worn for each day. Show kids product placement that is making trip possible for this mommy blogger to afford to take a family of four on vacation.

Arrive at Disney World. Remember something from the Fodor’s book about going to Tomorrowland first.

Find Speed dealer near Mary Poppins bush sculpture. Take Speed so as to pack in all destinations and FastPass rides and Bippity Boppity Bootique appointment.

Ride Teacups.

Tell kids there’s no time to ride Teacups.

Decide line for Flying Dumbos is too long.

Tell kids there’s no time to ride Flying Dumbos.

Ride Teacups again.

Tell kids there’s still no time to ride Teacups. What do they think this is, 1988?

Take picture with random furry, maybe Jimminy Cricket when he is walking by?

Wait in 3 hour line to meet Elsa. Take picture for all social media platforms. Forget product placement for essential oil vacuum scrubber. Fear losing contract with sponsor. Get back in Elsa line.

Learn Elsa has her Screen Actor’s Guild card and only works for 3 hours at a time. Settle for Winnie the Pooh. Miss Bippity Boppity Bootique appointment.

Buy Tinkerbell fanny pack to hold more Speed.

Enjoy Evening Light Parade

Begin hallucinating at Evening Light Parade.

Drive home from Disney. Thank mother-in-law for watering houseplants while you were gone.

Remember nothing after this besides hallucinations about exhuming Walt Disney’s body and trying to remove the Sword from the Stone.

Thank kids for taking over your Snapchat story and carrying product placement for rest of trip while you were recovering from “a real Disney overdose, haha!”

Ask kids whether Typhoon Lagoon was worth it and whether mother-in-law might like to accompany them next year.