Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s July again, and that means time to see there things are at in my FOUR YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN! Body changes, social changes, and so very much more!
A timeline showing my transition progress from pre-transition, 2020 (when I came out and started HRT), 2021 (one year hrt), 2022 (two years hrt), 2023 (three years hrt), 2024 (four years hrt). You can see my face changing drastically through them, becoming rounder and softer over time. Also the life in my eyes goes from dead, to huh, to yay, to hooray, to OH MY GOD to CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
If you’d like to chart my entire journey on hormone replacement therapy, and my entire journey being an out trans woman, you can start with my ONE YEAR OUT/ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE trans tuesday.
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Here’s the TWO YEARS OUT/ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE trans tuesday.
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And the THREE YEARS OUT/ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE trans tuesday from last year.
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Year four was wild for me, because after the devastating setbacks I had last summer, I switched my estrogen delivery from pills to injections, and holy crap did that re-kickstart body changes. Here’s the trans tuesday on TRANSITION SETBACKS if you missed it.
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One new thing I had to deal with this year that hadn’t happened in quite this way before, was a nasty, loud, public encounter with a very nasty transphobe. Previously all I’ve had to deal with was accidental misgendering and all the staring at me that The Uncomfortable Cis do.
It was sadly inevitable, I think, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant to deal with.
I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesdays on THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY REPORT.
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We’ll get to the new developments (ahem) from HRT in year four in a bit, but I’m going to follow the same order of talking about things as I did last year, just because it’ll be easier for me to see where I was and then if anything’s changed since a year ago.
As I said, I’m still on injections and I’m really happy with the dosage I’m at (both for my estrogen and progesterone). If I can just maintain these levels for, like, the rest of my life, I’d be elated. Physically and especially mentally, I’ve never felt better in my entire life.
I’ve talked about this in every year check-in retrospective, I think, because it’s still the largest issue I’m dealing with in terms of transition: I still have to shave, every morning, super close and against the grain, over and over, to remain stubble and shadow free all day.
It still does not cause me dysphoria to do it due to changing HOW I do it, thankfully, but it does make me dysphoric to see the little stubble in the morning that grew overnight. Sadly there’s still NOTHING I can do about it, because covid is still real and my wife is still immunocompromised and I cannot be unmasked indoors with strangers for the dozens and dozens and dozens of hours that laser hair removal and electrolysis takes.
I really wish capitalism and the people running our country hadn’t just decided to pretend covid was over so rich people could make more money again. And selfishly, yeah, because it’s prevented me from doing absolutely anything about the one source of dysphoria that I seem to still have.
But more importantly because it’s abandoned every immunocompromised person and basically barred them from public life. That’s sadly not new for the disabled community, but it’s starkly awful to see it done so clearly and publicly how society just isn’t interested in protecting the most vulnerable.
For more on the difficulties of transitioning during a pandemic, see the trans tuesday on that very topic.
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My body hair growth has slowed even further after switching my estrogen to injections. It’s still bad enough that I have to shave everywhere once a week, but it’s not as bad as it was before and I haven’t needed to go back to weekly epilating, thank goodness. Here’s the trans tuesday on BODY HAIR for more on my struggles with that.
Photos and reflections check-in. You can start with the initial trans tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS, and why they can be so tough for so many of us.
And then see PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE, when two and half years into HRT my face had gradually changed enough so that photos just stopped causing dysphoria.
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What’s interesting is that photos have somehow gotten even BETTER for me, because the estrogen injections changed my face even MORE in the fall and winter of 2023. You can kind of see it shift in my photos, I think (or at least I can).
I think it’s super clear in the new addition to my transition timeline photo, and it makes me so so so happy. I never thought I’d see ME, and then I did, and it was a miracle. And now it’s somehow even MORE ME, and last year I wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
And not in a “I’ll never get there way,” but in a “I already see myself so what more could there be to see?” way. I thought that was the end of the seeing myself in photos and reflections journey, but there was another bonus extra credit step, and it delights me to no end.
A big change from last year is that I don’t struggle with video anymore! I still haven’t tried recording and posting my own, but at this time last year seeing myself in video was pretty dysphoric, and it’s not now!
Maybe it’s due to the further facial shape changes I just talked about, or my voice, or the combo of the two being way better than before. I’ll talk about voice in a bit.
But if you want to see ways in which my inability to handle seeing myself in video (especially if it was being recorded for everyone else to see forever) affected me, see the trans tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP, and how incredibly harmful the refusal to accommodate trans people’s needs can be.
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BODY HACKING check in (see the trans tuesday on it if you need more info).
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I’m still exercising four times a week, but it’s been two runs and two strength training workouts. I just haven’t had the time to work two more runs in, because the writing my wife and I do has kept me too busy (a good problem to have!)
And y’know, I really should have included photos of my exercise progress in past year retrospectives, it’d be cool to track it. Anyway! My arms are more buff than they’ve ever been, and I have abs now! It’s WILD and I LOVE IT.
My flexed left bicep
My flexed left tricep
My abs! They’re not huge but I have some now!
Me all sweaty in a black workout tank, my hair pineappled and falling in front of most of my face, flexing my left bicep
My hair is still super important to me, and makes me feel like ME. It used to be my favorite thing about my body, though my arms and abs are now right behind (as are a couple other body parts, but we’re getting there). You can see the growing importance of my HAIR in the original trans tuesday on it.
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And the follow-up, HAIR 2, when I got my first real haircut and how much it made me feel like ME.
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My hair hasn’t changed, except for getting longer. I love it, it’s perfect just how it is. Maybe I’ll want a different cut someday, but right now I can’t imagine that happening. It’s so so perfectly me and I love it in every way.
I’ve had my tattoo for a couple years now (it was still relatively new at the two year check-in), and you can read about the entire process of deciding to get it and why it took so long in the trans tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY.
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Last year I mentioned that photos of me without my tattoo (post-transition me, I mean, not pre-transition super dysphoric me) felt “wrong”, even though the photos weren’t spiking my dysphoria. Last year I said I might write about it if I ever figured out why that was.
The good news is… I have! Figured it out, I mean. But I haven’t written about it just yet. It’s on the list for future trans tuesdays though, so keep an eye out.
CONFIDENCE check-in. Here’s its trans tuesday if you missed it.
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And here’s CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN, aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD aka WHAT IS HAPPENING, when I could really see it start to shift as transition progressed.
Not only has this continued without faltering from last year, I’ve realized just how MUCH it’s grown when my wife Susan and I redid our wedding this year, to have one with the real me. And the difference in me from the first dysphoric one to the second euphoric one could not have been more stark. See the trans tuesday on A TRANS RE-WEDDING for more.
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Voice check in! Here’s the first of three trans tuesdays on TRANS VOICES (the first links to the second, links to the third) where I talk about my fascinating journey through gender-affirming speech therapy, finding my true voice, and culminating with an interview with my Speech-Language Pathologists (including the science behind it and tips for people practicing on their own).
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Last year I was pretty happy with where my voice was at, but my stamina for it still sometimes faltered, and occasionally my voice would still slip. But it got better enough that I was able to launch these trans tuesdays as a podcast, and begin recording the audiobook for my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX!
That audiobook is now complete (and can be purchased by YOU!), and it was a TON of work and took forever, but I did it.
I feel like my stamina now is even better than last year, my voice almost never gets tired (though it still does a bit toward the end of long roleplaying game sessions that i run where I’ve been talking for four or more hours straight).
Sometimes it’s still hard for people to hear me speaking through my mask, and I’m much better at resonance and being louder now, though I feel when I AM louder my voice doesn’t sound quite the way I want it to. So I’ll probably be working on that a lot in the year to come.
Okay so, let’s talk about what other body changes I’ve seen since switching to estrogen injections! Last year I mentioned I’d gotten to a B cup in breast growth after 1000 days of HRT (it’s true, I counted), and I had tiny hip development and still nothing in my butt.
WELL!
This year I got to a C cup, in less time than it took to get to the B (336 days from B to C)! The girls are still sadly far enough apart that I think never the twain shall meet (the wrong puberty making my shoulders and torso more broad are to blame for that), but I can deal.
A post I made on March 9, 2024 that says “one thousand three hundred and thirty-six days of HRT and- THIS WILL BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED” [smiley face surrounded by hearts emoji]
And then a photo of the tag from a pink bra that shows the size as 38C
It was a small C, but still a C! And now… it’s a slightly bigger C! I’m nowhere NEAR needing to go up a size again, but, uh… they’re definitely more noticeable!
Me in a low cut black dress with white stars on it, and you can definitely see visible breast growth, my goodness
And it delights me to tell you that my boobs are indeed now tied with my hair and my arms and my abs for my favorite part of my body. Even though they’re oceans apart, and maybe still not as big as I’d like.
Both of those latter things could be fixed (or helped) with top surgery, and I considered it, but… look, every time I see them in the mirror as I’m getting into the shower or whatever, I just love them. Because they’re mine. I grew them. They’re all ME.
They’re what was always coded in my genes and just needed estrogen to flip the switch telling them to grow. And so I find them remarkably beautiful, because they are just what they were meant to be, even if they live in different zip codes due to the wrong puberty mucking up my chest.
And they’re still growing, so who knows. We’ll see. I’ll probably revisit the idea over time and just see how I feel, but right now… they’re perfect.
I was also incredibly startled to discover that I HAVE A BUTT NOW! I mean yes technically I’ve always had one, but it was flat as a board back there. Pretty sure I’ve complained about it in every past year check-in I’ve done.
The weird thing is I had no idea it happened! I mean how would you, I guess, we don’t look at our butts all that often (or DO WE?). Anyway this spring I put on a dress that it hadn’t been warm enough to wear for like six months and was walking out of the bathroom and caught sight of my profile in the mirror, and…. GOSH 🥰
Two side by side profile shots of my booty in a black dress with horizontal white stripes. It’s small but it exists and has a really lovely curve! yaaaaay!
And about that hip “development”... since I could finally see them, I figured they must have gotten bigger. Since I needed to re-measure myself with the newly expanded bustline, I re-measured my hips… and they’re the exact same as they were when I started HRT four years ago.
They didn’t get bigger, but my hips ROTATED to be in line with cis women’s, which is why you can actually see that i have small hips now, even though the measurement hasn’t changed. This happens in some trans women due to changes in the tendons, and is exactly what cis women go through during puberty too.
This is, like so much of trans life and healthcare, anecdotal. Plenty of cis doctors will tell you this can not happen and is impossible, but those doctors also say the effects of progesterone on trans women are inconclusive and so very many trans women who’ve been on it say otherwise.
For a whole lot more on how trans healthcare is JUST LIKE THIS because cis doctors don’t care enough to study us to get answers, see the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE.
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You can SEE hips on me now, and you never could before, even though the circumference around them is the same. And skirts that I used to be able to pull over my hips I no longer can! But the measurement is the same so clearly they’ve changed position.
And it certainly explains why my hips were so sore for a long time.
I don’t know what else to tell you. The human body is a wild wonderland.
Also regarding HRT-induced body changes, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in one of these yearly retrospectives before, but I get periods now. I get the same cramps, moodiness, food cravings, etc. that many cis women do.
It’s not entirely regular… meaning some months I get one and some I don’t, but it’s fairly often that I do and this is a known thing that can happen to trans women. And if you don’t see how that’s possible, know that cis women can still have cramps even after a hysterectomy. So clearly a uterus is not required for the joy of cramping.
Cis doctors again seem to think this is impossible, or just don’t believe us, and that’s sadly just par for the course. I know so many trans women who get them. Before I got them myself… I don’t want to say I didn’t believe that it happened, I just was stymied at how.
Well, now I get them, often, and they’re terrible and hurt like a mofo, and I’m still stymied as to how. But it definitely happens to a lot of us! Along with the moodiness, which (for me) can even be slightly alleviated with chocolate! Again see that anecdotal trans healthcare essay.
ALL of that’s controlled by hormones, so when the dominant hormones in your body are estrogen and progesterone, in some of us that’s just gonna happen.
I have noticed one part of my body that I’m newly unhappy with, and that’s the backs of my hands. My hands are pretty big, which doesn’t bother me, but sometimes the backs can look kinda… veiny? I don’t know, it makes them sometimes look a bit more dude-like than I’d prefer, but unless my E decides it needs to store some fat on the back of my hand for some reason, I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.
I feel like I’ve finally honed in on my style really well, but it took me a good three and a half years to settle into what clothes and presentation feels like it’s ME. See the trans tuesday on FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE for more on how mine is cutesy/girly/sporty and that’s OKAY.
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As I mentioned last year, I do still very much wish I’d started chronicling changes earlier. By which I am referring to all the years I knew I was trans before I came out and chose to transition. I basically knew in 2015, but waited to come out and medically and socially transition until 2020 for a reason that is one of the few things I will not talk about publicly (though if we are friends, I’m happy to discuss it privately).
So here’s the new timeline photo! Somehow I’m STILL becoming a truer me than I’ve ever been, and that’s absolutely fucking amazing. What a gift transition has been. For all the difficulty, and all the struggle, it’s worth every single second for each step closer we get to being true and authentic to who we are.
It’s okay if you don’t know that yet. It’s okay if you figure it out along the way.
If I can do it, so can you. I believe in you.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
A timeline showing my transition progress from pre-transition, 2020 (when I came out and started HRT), 2021 (one year hrt), 2022 (two years hrt), 2023 (three years hrt), 2024 (four years hrt). You can see my face changing drastically through them, becoming rounder and softer over time. Also the life in my eyes goes from dead, to huh, to yay, to hooray, to OH MY GOD to CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING.