Dear Liisphyra
Episode 36 (S4E6): Genieology
Official Transcript
Written by Katie Siegel
Katie: Hi folks! Quick cold open to say that my second adult mystery book, Charlotte Illes Is Not A Teacher, comes out July 23rd, 2024. And if you’re listening to this before that date, then you are eligible to receive a bonus short story about Charlotte and her friends solving a mystery while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
All you have to do to get the story is preorder Charlotte Illes Is Not A Teacher and submit your order confirmation number through the form linked in the description of this episode. More information is available on the form.
Thank you so much for your ongoing support. Hope you enjoy the show!
[cheerful intro theme]
Liisphyra: Gooooood morning, Grevelon, and welcome back to Dear Liisphyra. My name’s Liisphyra Lyndambar. And if this is your first time tuning in, on this show I give advice to any folks and creatures who may need it!
Oh, look, we have a caller on the vine! It’s a little early, but, alright, why not? Hello, caller, you’re on the air!
[in a disguised voice] Hi Liisphyra, big fan.
[normal voice] Oh, thank you so much, caller who probably wants to remain anonymous. How can I help you today?
[in a disguised voice] So there’s this group of trees that people love. I don’t want to say their name out of fear of retribution, but let’s just say it rhymes with the…Splattering Trove.
[normal voice] Oh, the Chattering Grove!
[in a disguised voice] I can neither confirm nor deny.
[normal voice] Well, the Chattering Grove is the crown jewel of the Towering Forest, much beloved by folks all across Grevelon.
[in a disguised voice] Well, a couple days ago I signed up to do community service. You know, to give back to my community. I thought maybe I’d be sweeping walkways or tidying up the Bogglepit Thicket or checking Zelbar Creek for jeeblers who need relocating. But I had the misfortune of being assigned to rake leaves in the Chattering Grove.
[normal voice] Now hold on just a second, anonymous caller. Be careful how you speak of the pride and joy of the Towering Forest.
[in a disguised voice] I don’t care, I have to say it. The Chattering Grove is a menace, and we as a society need to stop enabling its nefarious actions.
[normal voice] [gasps] I’m gasping! Whatever could have happened to drive you to saying such terrible things about my personal favorite group of trees, the Chattering Grove?
[in a disguised voice] Well, for those who don’t know, the Chattering Grove is a group of trees enchanted with a shared consciousness by the wizard Selswyn Tholo. The enchanted trees were originally designed to warn Tholo when anyone was coming to visit, so he could turn out all the lights and pretend to not be home. When he moved, the Towering Forest turned the Grove into a tourist spot.
[normal voice] That’s right. People love visiting the Chattering Grove to hear what the trees have to say.
[in a disguised voice] Those are the meanest, nastiest, most foul-spirited trees in Grevelon, and the only people who enjoy them are the tourists who don’t have to be subjected to their vicious verbal attacks every time they walk by.
[normal voice] Whoa, whoa, whoa! The trees do tease a lot, sure. But it’s all in good fun. What did they say to you?
[in a disguised voice] They said, “Liisphy—” Uh…I mean, they said, “Hey, you, sweeping up the leaves. Did you have to pick up a second job because no one listens to your radio show?”
[normal voice] Oh, you have a radio show, too?
[in a disguised voice] Yes, very different from this one, at a different station. It’s very popular, though. So I said, “No, Chattering Grove, I’m just doing some community service.” And the Grove said, “The best service you could do for your community is burning those ugly pants before anyone else has to look at them.” And then two of the trees high-fived. Or, high-eighted. I didn’t count how many twigs were on the branches.
[clears throat] [normal voice] Wow. That’s really rough. Hm. Well, I don’t want to tell anyone how to think, but maybe the Chattering Grove isn’t as great as we all thought.
[in a disguised voice] I tried to ignore them and kept sweeping. I knew the faster I worked, the faster I’d be out of there. But the trees kept shaking their leaves so there’d be more on the ground for me to sweep up, and they kept saying, “Oops, you missed a spot.”
[normal voice] But you didn’t miss a spot! They were making more work for you!
[in a disguised voice] Exactly. Hey, thank you for being so understanding and sympathetic about my terrible experience with the Chattering Grove.
[normal voice] Well, I can’t say it hasn’t been hard to hear that these iconic trees might have a dark side that no one could have ever predicted, but I am first and foremost a radio host of the people, and I believe the truth deserves to be out there.
Thanks. [clears throat] [in a disguised voice] Thanks. They said a lot of other mean stuff, too, but most of it was very personal and would reveal my identity.
[normal voice] Of course, we wouldn’t want any of the diehard Chattering Grove fans—most of whom don’t live anywhere near the Chattering Grove, I think it’s worth mentioning—to get upset with you for exposing their idol. Well thank you, anonymous caller, for your bravery.
[in a disguised voice] I signed up for community service, and I believe that warning my community of the true horrors of the Chattering Grove is the greatest service I can do for them.
[normal voice] That, and continuing to wear those pants! Those are cool pants!
[beat]
Not that I know what they look like. We’ve never met. But I’m sure they’re very nice, and have a lot of pockets.
[beat]
Okay, bye caller.
[in a disguised voice] Bye.
[normal voice] Goodness. Well, folks, there you have it. I think it might be time to stop giving so much attention to the Chattering Grove until it learns to have a little more kindness towards others. And the Towering Forest has a bunch of other amazing spots that don’t verbally abuse their visitors! The Wandering Maze, the waterfall, that giant rock in the Northeast Grove that kind of looks like a dragon if you tilt your head and squint. Make sure to add that to your list if you ever come visit, it’s a thrilling couple of minutes, before your neck starts getting tired and your head starts to hurt from squinting
And, of course, you’re welcome to come visit the Towering Forest Radio Station! I’ve been telling our station manager, Ruvyn, we should really do tours. I think people would love it! They can see where the hosts sit, where Ruvyn sits…uhhhh…that closet…okay, it’d be a quick tour, but exciting nonetheless!
Alright, let’s get into the show before Ruvyn shuts me down for having too many good ideas, I guess. If you need some advice, you can send your letters to “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station.
[rustling papers] Our first letter comes from Riowe, who writes:
“Dear Liisphyra,
I’ve been working at this bakery for almost ten years. I’m the only one who works here who isn’t a part of the family who owns the bakery, but they’re very kind to me and often treat me as an extended member of the family.
A few months ago, the patriarch of the family, Yob, exploded in a burst of flames. We’d been prepared for this; he was very old, even for someone who’s half-elf, half-phoenix.” Oh, okay. “Still, there was a huge shift in the bakery. Yob had been my boss ever since I started working there. The rest of the family agreed that I was the most qualified to take over his position as head baker. Yob was a great head baker, and trying to fill those shoes felt intimidating, but I accepted the promotion.
Here’s my issue: due to his phoenix ancestry, Yob rose from the ashes of his spontaneous combustion as a baby. Phoenixes age rapidly until they hit maturity, so he recently became old enough to start helping out in the bakery.
I know he’s not my boss anymore, and doesn’t have any memories from his previous lives, but I’ve been having trouble acting as his boss and telling him what to do. There have been multiple occasions that I needed to make a decision, and I found myself looking to him for input.
For example, our flour vendor recently changed their recipe, causing our jiggly cakes to come out less jiggly than usual. I was inspecting the cakes when I saw Yob looking at me, and it was something about his eyes that suddenly made me feel incapable of making any decisions on my own. I asked him if he thought we should switch vendors, and he seemed confused about why I was asking him.
Another time he accidentally added freb milk to a mix instead of dabbleworm milk. This was a mistake that Yob would have scolded me for when he was my boss. But I couldn’t find it in me to scold him! I just told him to remake the mix and be more careful next time.
I don’t want to be head baker forever. One day, Yob will be old enough to take over the position again, and is already showing an interest in doing so. But I’m worried that I won’t be able to be a good boss in the meantime as long as my former boss is my subordinate. How can I get over this?
Thanks,
Riowe”
Well, Riowe, I’m reading this letter and having trouble seeing any signs of you not being a good boss. It’s understandable that you might feel a little uncomfortable about the shift in power dynamics between you and Yob, but I think you’re actually being a pretty good boss to him.
You said that Yob is already showing an interest in taking his old job once he’s grown enough. So doesn’t it make sense to bring him into situations like the one with the flour vendor and ask him what he thinks? He’s still young, so obviously you’re the one with the final say, but I think it’s a good thing that you’re already introducing him to the kind of problem-solving that he’ll have to do when he’s in charge.
And I don’t think not scolding him about the milk mistake makes you a bad boss at all. Sure, old Yob would’ve scolded you for that, but I think it’s good of you to give young Yob a chance to fix his mistakes without receiving a scolding. Now, because of you, maybe young Yob will become a boss who doesn’t scold his subordinates for innocent mistakes.
Overall, don’t be so hard on yourself. Yob was a great head baker, but you must be pretty good yourself, or else the family wouldn’t have offered you the job. Now you’ve got a young Yob who needs someone to teach him the ropes, and so far it sounds like you’ve been doing a pretty good job. So keep it up!
Hope this helps. Thanks for writing in!
[rustling papers] Our next letter comes from Zescy, who writes:
“Dear Liisphyra,
Hi! Love the show.” Oh, thank you!
“I’ve been cooking for my girlfriend for as long as we’ve been dating, almost a full year. She loves my cooking and always showers me with praise for every meal I serve her.
Last week, she had a surprise for me. She told me that she believed I could easily win Iwern Chef—you know, that cooking competition show—and had in fact signed me up, and I had in fact been accepted onto the show. This was terrible news, because I am, in fact, a huge fraud.
I’m a terrible cook. Imagine the most terrible cook, and I’m worse than that. One time I tried making a golliwoddle chops stew and somehow managed to get the chops to start regrowing feathers. Another time I tried making an omelet, and the egg mixture somehow turned into a conscious goo that began terrorizing the neighborhood until some traveling adventures reduced it to yolk.
So you might be wondering, why does my girlfriend think I’m such a good cook? Well, a couple years ago my grandfather gifted me this enchanted cookware set. Basically, all you have to do is throw some ingredients into a pot, and the tools will do the work for you. I can’t mess it up if I tried.
When I first started cooking for my girlfriend, I didn’t even consider mentioning the enchanted cookware. By then I’d gotten so used to cooking with it, I’d all but convinced myself that I was just cooking the same as anyone else. Once I realized I’d never told her about it, I became embarrassed at the idea of admitting that I wasn’t capable of cooking without magical assistance. So she continued to think I was making all of these meals on my own, which led to her signing me up for the cooking competition.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m sure the competition won’t let me use my own cookware. And even if they did, I’m pretty sure using enchanted tools counts as cheating. But I need to give my girlfriend a reason why I can’t do the show, and I don’t think “I have plans that day” is going to swing it. Any advice?
Thanks,
Zescy”
Oof. That is a pickle. Excuse the food pun. Yeah, I think it’s time to give this secret up, Zescy. Continuing to keep this from your girlfriend is only going to push the reveal down the road. She’s going to find out eventually, and if you somehow manage to wriggle out of this situation without telling her, once she does find out, she’s going to know how much work you put into keeping her from finding out, and that’s going to hurt even more.
That being said, I think you should absolutely try to cheat on that show, and I’ll tell you why. My neighbor Melya was on Iwern Chef several years ago, and he was doing so well that the producers of the show purposefully switched his mushroom powder with cinnamon—CINNAMON—to make it look like he made a big mistake. Melya was eliminated that round because of the switch, and now our entire grove has a vendetta against Iwern Chef. My best friend Raedra’s Aunt Valindra tried to get on the show once to wreak havoc, but some other stuff came up during her background check, so she didn’t make it on.
So if you can, get on that show and bring your enchanted cookware with you. If it’s able to keep someone who turns eggs into monsters from messing up a recipe, I’m sure those conniving producers won’t stand a chance.
Buuuut if you decide to do this, you should loop your girlfriend into the plot. Just rip off the bandage now. And make it clear that you never met to deceive her, and be understanding if she’s upset.
Now go! Avenge Melya! Bring down the producers of Iwern Chef!
Hope that helps. Thanks for writing in!
And if any of you Liisteners out there have any connections to Iwern Chef…you didn’t hear this last letter or my advice for them. Forget…forget…forg—okay, I don’t have any magical capabilities to make you forget, but pleeeeeeaaase don’t tell anyone!
Okay, we’re going to take a quick break to hear from our sponsor, and then we’ll be back to take a call! If you need some advice, you can tell your speaking plant to call “Dear Liisphyra” at the Towering Forest Radio Station. But first, a word from our sponsor.
Paatarak: Okay Ash, it’s starting.
Lenral: Just stick to the script.
Ash: Ahem.
[quirky music]
Ash: Hello. My name is Ashallynniamehra Ginggleppossumm, Two g’s, two p’s, two s’s, two m’s. Ash for short. Ashallynniamehra Ginggleppossumm for long. Ashallynn Ginggle for middle.
Lenral: Stay on script.
Paatarak: There’s a time limit, remember?
Ash: Right, right. I am a talent agent, and I’m searching for Grevelon’s next big star. [whispered] What if the general public thinks I’m talking about a star in the sky?
Lenral: No one’s gonna think that.
Ash: [whispered] How do you know? Are you the spokesperson for the general public?
Paatarak: How about “I’m searching for Grevelon’s next big thing”?
Ash: Oh, oh, I like that.
Lenral: So, okay, we’ve already moved out of the workshopping phase—
Ash: But what if small folks think I’m not interested in their talent?
Paatarak: Maybe mention that you’re a fairy.
Ash: Mm…Len, what do you think?
Lenral: I think you’re quickly running out of time.
Ash: Okay. Let me start again.
Lenral: [groans]
Ash: Hello. My name is Ashallynniamehra Ginggleppossumm, Ash for short. Ashallynniamehra Ginggleppossumm for long. Ashallynn Ginggle for middle. I am a talent agent, and I’m searching for Grevelon’s next big thing. Not necessarily big in physical size, but big as in the impact of your talent.
Paatarak: That’s good.
Lenral: Paat.
Paatarak: Oh, sorry. I interrupted. Should she start again?
Lenral: No!
Ash: Hello. My name is Ashallynn—
Lenral: No, no, Ash, just keep reading the script.
Ash: Well now you’ve made me lose my spot!
Lenral: Namrys alive…
Ash: I want to help you…line?
Paatarak: Find success…
Ash: Ah yes, thank you. I want to help you find success with your talent. Whether it be arcartography, or werfing, or juggling…hm.
Lenral: What now?
Ash: I don’t know about the jugglers.
Paatarak: Why?
Ash: I don’t trust people who throw small things into the air. What if they try to throw me?
Lenral: Fifteen seconds left.
Ash: Ah, okay. Hello. My name is—
Paatarak: Just read the last part!
Lenral: [overlapping] No, no, wrap it up, wrap it up!
Ash: Whether it be arcartography, werfing, or maybe juggling but only if you promise not to throw me, I’m the agent for you. Tell your speaking plant to call Ashallynniamehra Ginggleppossumm to take the first steps of your career. I also have some business cards somewhere, hold up…
[music ends]
Lenral: You can’t give those out over the radio, Ash.
Paatarak: Did we get everything? I think time’s almost—
Liisphyra: Aaaand we’re back, with Dear Liisphyra. And we have a caller on the vine! Hello caller, you’re on the air.
Uvanis: Hello, Liisphyra!
Liisphyra: Hi there! What’s your name?
Uvanis: [majestically] I am Uvanis, genie of the lamp of Olmandur, granter of the three wishes. Step forward, and state your— [normal voice] Oh, sorry, got caught up in my normal spiel. I’m not used to introducing myself without it. Hello. I’m Uvanis.
Liisphyra: Oh, wow, you’re a genie?
Uvanis: That I am. Currently on the clock right now, but this gnomish fellow is being very frugal about his wishes, so I get a lot of free time. If you can call it that.
Liisphyra: Why wouldn’t you call it that?
Uvanis: Well, that’s why I’m calling. You see, back in the day, folks would be taught at a young age to always have three wishes prepared in case they came across a genie lamp. This was because us genies perpetuated a myth that there was a time limit on making the wishes. To speed folks up a bit.
Liisphyra: Oh wow, I didn’t know that.
Uvanis: I’m not surprised. Because then that upstart Brolzin published that scroll—
Liisphyra: [gasps] Into the Lamp! We had to read that in school. Well, I read it. A lot of my classmates just watched the play adaptation of it.
Uvanis: You know, unpopular opinion, I liked the play better than the book.
Liisphyra: I can understand that. It cut out a lot of the fat.
Uvanis: It did, it did. [remembering] But Into the Lamp ruined everything! Brolzin told everyone that the time limit was just a myth.
Liisphyra: Ah, yes, I remember that now. He wrote a whole chapter on misconceptions about genies.
Uvanis: Which is wonderful when you’re informing other folks that we don’t all live in lamps, and that those of us who do can leave the lamp at any time, and that there isn’t a secret phrase that unlocks a fourth wish. You don’t know how many times I’ve had someone say, “The golliwoddle sends its regards,” and then just stare at me expectantly.
Liisphyra: But you’re unhappy that Brolzin told everyone that the time limit isn’t real.
Uvanis: Correct. Folks used to rattle off their wishes like that [snaps], and I’d be back in the lamp in time for lunch. These days, no one has their wishes prepared anymore. They think they have all the time in the world, with no regard for my time or my lunch!
Liisphyra: But don’t you appreciate getting to spend time outside of the lamp? Isn’t it a bit of a tight fit in there?
Uvanis: Another disservice done by Brolzin! Just because he didn’t know how to optimize his space doesn’t mean we all feel cooped up in our lamps. Some of us are minimalists.
Liisphyra: So you don’t get…cramped in the lamp?
Uvanis: No, I don’t get cramped in the lamp, to quote Brolzin’s one hit wonder.
Liisphyra: I liked a few of his other songs.
Uvanis: Really? Name one.
Liisphyra: Uh…it goes like, uh…doo doo doot doo…
Uvanis: Like I said. One hit wonder. And thank goodness for that. I couldn’t imagine the breadth of the repercussions if “Genies Love Hugs” had taken off.
Liisphyra: “Genies Love Hugs”! That was the song I was thinking of!
Uvanis: I like my lamp. All my stuff is there. Why would I want to spend time hanging out with someone who can’t decide if they want a bigger house or smaller feet when I’ve got a surround sound speaking plant and a hot tub at home?
Liisphyra: People really wish for smaller feet?
Uvanis: You’d be surprised how many people wish for smaller feet. At one point I just started suggesting it to folks to try to speed the process along. Didn’t do that for long, though. One person got extremely insulted.
Liisphyra: So your issue is that people take too long to make their wishes.
Uvanis: Yes. Look, I have some patience. Sometimes people want to consult with a partner or a friend, and I can respect that. It’s when they’re still hemming and hawing by Day 3 that I start to get antsy.
Liisphyra: Can’t you go back to your lamp while you wait?
Uvanis: I can, but that tends to make people nervous. I think it’s why the time limit myth took off so easily back in the day. Folks don’t want to miss their shot to make a wish—if I’m gone, they start to worry they’ve lost their chance. I’ll say, “Hey, take your time, I’ll be in the hot tub until you’re ready,” and I’ve barely had time to stick a toe in before they’re rubbing the lamp again to make sure it still works.
Liisphyra: Hm. That sounds frustrating.
Uvanis: Not to mention how often I’m asked for advice on what they should wish for. You know, Liisphyra, I’ve actually directed many folks to your show when they couldn’t make up their minds.
Liisphyra: Oh, thank you! I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a question like that.
Uvanis: Well, I’m sure you’ll get one eventually. It feels like more and more people are indecisive about their wishes nowadays. [sighs] This gnome has had the lamp for six days. I miss my hot tub.
Liisphyra: Have you ever tried just…asking?
Uvanis: Asking what?
Liisphyra: Asking if these people can make their wishes within a certain time frame. I’m sure there are a lot of people who would be understanding if you expressed that the longer they take, the longer you’re away from home. Some of them might even think they’re doing you a service by keeping you out of the lamp for so long, because of “Cramped in the Lamp.”
Uvanis: “Cramped in the Lamp,” yes. It doesn’t help that The Backup Bards sampled that song in their most recent release.
Liisphyra: So if you just tell them that you’d like to go home, I’m sure many of them would be more respectful of your time.
Uvanis: I never considered that. I think you’re right. But that won’t work for some people. This gnome, for example, does not seem like the sympathetic sort. Nor would he take any suggestions from me about what his wishes could be. He refused to even look at the FWW—that’s my list of Frequently Wished Wishes. Decided to write that up after the “smaller feet” incident.
Liisphyra: Well, if some people refuse to respect your time…maybe you can just bring back the time limit myth.
Uvanis: Trust me, I would if I could. Brolzin ruined that for all of us.
Liisphyra: Sure, people would initially call you out on it if you just declared a time limit, especially if you immediately admit that they’re correct. But you said so yourself that they’re still nervous about losing their wishes. I don’t usually suggest taking advantage of people’s insecurities, but if they’re not being respectful of you or your time, maybe just start dropping hints that their time is running out.
Keep checking your watch, then be vague if they ask why you’re checking it. Or, even better, set up an hourglass and don’t explain what happens when the sand runs out. Even if they think they know that they have all the time they want, I’m sure most people won’t want to risk losing their wishes if they think there’s even a chance.
Uvanis: That’s pretty devious, Liisphyra.
Liisphyra: [sighs] I know. Ever since this evil wizard called in to the show, I feel like I’ve been more in touch with my dark side. But this is only a last resort!
Uvanis: Now, what about all the folks listening to this show? If any of them come across my lamp, they’ll know there’s no time limit, even if I imply there is one.
Liisphyra: Well, I would hope that no one who listens to my show would be disrespectful of your time. Buuut…okay, I said the last idea was the last resort, but the super last resort is to just…be irritating.
Uvanis: How so?
Liisphyra: If you don’t want the person to keep you around, make it difficult to be around you. Sing loudly. Keep tapping them on the arm. Comment on the size of their feet! Even if they don’t make their wishes right away, I’m sure they’ll be less likely to object to you returning to your lamp until they’re ready.
Uvanis: Be irritating. Hm…well, I’m generally a pleasure to be around, but I suppose I could figure out how to make my presence a little more grating. As a last resort, I’ll try it. Thanks, Liisphyra. If you ever come across my lamp—
Liisphyra: I’ll get three wishes?
Uvanis: Well, yes. But I was going to say, you’re welcome to try out my hot tub.
Liisphyra: That sounds lovely, thank you.
Uvanis: Time to conjure up a giant hourglass and start looking at it pointedly.
Liisphyra: Good luck! And thanks for calling.
Uvanis: Goodbye.
Liisphyra: Bye!
Well, that’s gonna be it for today’s show, Liisteners. Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra. Next up we have…[rustling papers] “A live broadcast from the Chattering Gr—” Oh, um, actually, looks like there’s no programming coming up. Huh, weird. Check back in later, I guess.
I’ll talk to you all again real soon. In the meantime, keep your chin up, and respect other people’s time. You never know who has a hot tub waiting for them at home. Bye!
[chill guitar outro theme]
Nicole: Thank you for listening to Dear Liisphyra, which was created, written, and edited by Katie Siegel. Liisphyra and Lenral were voiced by Katie Siegel. Uvanis was voiced by Thomas Pflanz. Ash was voiced by Talya Shatzky. Paatarak was voiced by Samkit Siyal. And I’m Nicole. Hi!
If you enjoy the show and want to help it grow, please take a minute and leave a kind review on the Apple Podcasts app. If you do, Katie will help you cheat your way through a cooking competition.
For more Dear Liisphyra, check out @DearLiisphyra on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also join The Chattering Grove discord. The link to that is in the description. Or don’t, live your life. Bye!