Welcome to #TransTuesday! A recent tweet made me realize it was time to bring back a complicated topic that a lot of trans people struggle with, myself included. We’re talking DISENTANGLING TRANSNESS FROM SEXUALITY. Also - bows Bows BowS BOWS! (they’re related, trust me)
This was brought about by this tweet:
https://twitter.com/zekedrinkswater/status/1578056790725607426
And for ease of reading, here’s my reply:
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1578186839927595008
Many times I’ve said that understanding my own transness was like untying a giant knot, because it touched and affected so many areas of my life that making sense of it all involved trying to see all the ways in which aspects of my life intertwined.
And a BIG part of that knot was disentangling my sexuality from my gender, in ways that people who are cisgender probably never have to think about. Not that I’m saying coming to terms with being anything other than straight is always easy for cis people or anything!
But the difficulty can be compounded when you’re trans, especially when you’re trans and are attracted to your own gender. In terms of my own sexuality, I’ve always been attracted to women.
Guys have never done much for me (though Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge could always Get It). But I’ve always been able to say HEY that’s a good lookin’ guy. I can find men attractive and good looking, but I’m not attracted TO them, know what I mean?
And yes, I do feel toxic masculinity too often prohibits men from admitting things like that, which is pretty sad. This is one of the sad parts of “losing” the cis straight male version of myself, because we need more men willing to break the cycle.
So if you’re a dude, hey, subvert and deny toxic masculinity every chance you get willya? Society needs a lot more of that. You deserve better! And the more of you that break out of that mindset, the more cis guys around you will be inspired to do the same.
This is how you change the world. Be vulnerable, be open, feel things. Be HUMAN.
In any case, here’s where my sexuality contributed to the knot making things difficult. How can I see a woman and be attracted to her… but also just as badly want to BE her? I don’t know, but it certainly happened! And it’s something unique to trans people.
For the longest time I thought that was just part of being attracted to someone (ahahaha PHEW). You mean not every guy who sees a pretty lady also wants to BE her? WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?
But was it just that I was attracted to them, or just wanted to be them? Which one was it? Well obviously the answer was both.
But I had no frame of reference for this. I grew up believing I was a boy, and I was “supposed” to be attracted to girls (ugh). Once I got older and thought about it more, I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to guys or not. For a while I thought maybe I was.
Turns out what I’m attracted to is “femininity” (I don’t think that’s the right word to use here, but words fail us a lot in these discussions). But that doesn’t mean only “high femme” or anything, because I can also be attracted to butch and androgynous ladies.
And it’s not that I don’t find it enjoyable to look at certain parts of a woman’s anatomy, but it’s not the parts you think. For me it’s always, always, ALWAYS been about faces. It’s what I love about all people most, and what I find most attractive about people.
And so I find that I can be attracted to some men in drag, for example. Not all of them, but sometimes it happens. But never once does what’s between their legs or their secondary sex characteristics come into the equation whatsoever. I don’t really know how to parse that.
Is there a word for that? I’m not sure there is, I’m not sure I care, and I’m not sure if it matters. I’m attracted to faces and to people as a whole, and I could care less what body parts they have or don’t have. That’s not what makes a woman a woman or a man a man, is it? Nope.
You only believe that if you’re a reductive bigot. It’s FINE if you’re attracted to or not attracted to certain body features. We like what we like. But the entire goal of feminism and gender equality is decoupling the idea of gender as being defined by genitalia.
But ohhhh goodness did it confuse me, a little kid who was told they were a boy and raised to be a boy and to believe nothing other than being straight existed.
BTW my mom kept teasing me about having a girlfriend any time I tried to make friends with a girl, or would ask if they were my girlfriend, even when I was little. And all I was trying to do at the time was learn about girls that I felt a deep connection to but didn’t know why.
The cishetero romantic normative push is STRONG in our society, even as little little kids. “She’s gonna break a lot of boys’ hearts!” and “he’s going to make such a good husband someday” and on and on and like… what the actual heck. And it’s treated as normal!
But if you said that about two little girls or boys, or a kid who you actually WAITED for them to figure out their gender on their own first, people accuse you of “grooming” and being a pedo. They can’t see that’s WHAT THEY ARE ALREADY DOING. The cis binary matrix is insidious.
Anyway, here’s a pretty good example of how difficult this made things for me. For the entire time we’ve been married and knew each other before that, I’ve tried to get Susan to wear bows in her hair.
Bows bows bows. I love ‘em. I think she looks great in them. I think most ladies do. Are you wearing a bow of any kind? I am over here admiring you and cheering you on forever.
You can see where this is going, right? Too bad I couldn’t.
*I* wanted to be the one wearing bows. But I couldn’t identify that until just a few years ago. Susan humored me because she’s a saint, but they were never really her thing. Which is fine!
But my own desire to be on the outside who I was on the inside got mixed up with the things I like to see in people I’m attracted to. I’m honestly not sure there’s even a way I can separate them at this point.
Which is not to say I get attracted to myself (ew) when I have makeup on and a bow in my hair or anything. I like to wear bows, but I also still dig seeing them on ladies I’m attracted to and even ladies I’m not attracted to, so… good luck analyzing that, I guess.
How much of my desire to wear them and enjoyment of seeing other ladies with them is wrapped up in being told my entire life that I could not wear them because they were not For Me? Is it just rebellion against sexist societal standards?
If so, how’d that get wrapped up into who I’m attracted to, and who I am, and wanted to be? I don’t have any good answers here. Sexuality and gender are complicated, and this definitely doesn’t make them any less so.
The bottom line here is so much of discovering I’m transgender was wrestling with things like this for YEARS and trying to make sense of it.
When you compound even this one difficult issue with every other aspect that’s just as difficult to untangle (if not even more so) maybe you can see why it took me so long to figure it out. You have to try to undo all the damage society has done to you leading up to that point.
I’m envious of the trans people who figure it out as kids, or earlier than I did. Not just because they get to live more of their lives as themselves (if they have a supportive family), but maybe it’s easier to figure out without as many years of societal programming to undo?
What I do know is that you can be cis and straight or gay or bi or pan or ace or more. And you can be trans and straight or gay or bi or pan or ace or more. Or you can be agender or non-binary or anything else and straight or gay or bi or pan or ace or more.
Sexuality and gender are connected, but entirely different. They’re in the same general neighborhood, but have different addresses. Separate and distinct, but just a short walk away.
And the distance between is filled with the width and breadth of every beautiful thing humans can be. I finally found my spot as a lady who’s attracted to ladies. I hope you’re able to find your spot too, wherever that may be.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
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