Desolation

Desolation. That’s all it leaves me with. My freezing room greets me when I wake up. Every time I close and open my eyes it hurts, I can almost feel the dark circles around them. Some people call it depression, I don’t like that term, maybe I’m overly sad or overreacting. Every morning I do my routine, take a shower, dry my hair, eat breakfast, hygiene, everything everyone else does. As I put on my makeup, I’m trying my best not to get upset, seeing that person in the mirror makes me so angry, sometimes I wish I was someone else.

On the outside looking in, it looks like I have it all, good friends, good family, middle class, good grades. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Some days I wish for something horrific to happen to me or my family. I’m aware this is such an abominable thing to say, perhaps I need something to be sad about. Yeah that’s it.

It’s Wednesday, I get to go to church today. I love church because I am surrounded by the people I love, it is almost like a second family. I wonder if the people in church see me when I walk past them. After school, I pass the time until church comes around.

That night, at church I was having a good time, when it happened. This boy gave me the look. It is the kind of look someone gives you when they’re disgusted with you. It is something I’ve noticed recently, I feel like people look at me a certain way different from everyone else. I haven’t discovered if this is all in my head or if it is how others view me.

        It’s Friday, Grandpa’s birthday. He wanted to go to an Italian restaurant. When we got there, I talked to Grandpa about all sorts of things. “Are you dating any sweet church boys?” He questions. I cherish these conversations with my grandparents, they care so much for me, how could I ever feel alone? A distant relative came up to me that night. It is one of those relatives you know their face and name, but you don’t really know who they are. She came up to me and talked to me about a surgery I had many months ago. “I was praying and praying for you,” as she hugs me. I sat back down at the big table in the special room that we reserved. I start tearing up, I don’t know if it was tears of joy, or tears of feeling.

        When we got home I watched the sunset. I felt guilty for wishing bad things upon my family. I realized that day, the little things in life are the things to look forward to. The sunset, waking up, my car. I think being upset or sad is comfortable. I think being sad is addictive. It was something I looked forward to.

        I try to make the most of every day, sharing laughs with friends and the little things. I feel like many people I am surrounded by are also trapped and encouraged to be sad.

        Every time I watch the sunset, I think about my relatives who comforted me about my surgery, I think about my grandparents, people at church, everyone in my life. My grandfather once told me, “It is ok to be weak, it is not ok to stay weak.”