The Story to my Future Death an Introduction – September 21, 2005

“If you could have any superpower, which one would you choose?” Some people ask that as a way to get to know you. Simply put, I'd want to lack all presence in the world, total invisibility. Actually, the best power would be to not exist at all.

Why? Because the world is just a cycle of being boring, fake, annoying, depressing. It’s not about having fun—it’s about undoing bad things. Fun is subjective, but honestly, kinda stupid. I can’t be the only one thinking this. Take a waterslide, for example, the fun is just the speed, the feeling of the water, but there’s nothing real about it. It’s just a bunch of adrenaline chemicals tricking your brain into saying, “hey, this is fun.”

Same with sex. Everyone (besides pussies) likes it, right? But even that isn’t really subjective. It’s just a biological trick, a chemical reaction pushing you to reproduce. So why do gay people like it? I don’t fucking know. It’s like lead in the water or some shit. I’m not a scientist, and I’m not claiming to be, but all this chemical objectivist “survival of the fittest” shit is fucked up.

I wish my dad had raised me evangelical or something. He’s a communist, so of course, he’s an atheist, but we still help out homeless people. I guess that’s his way of justifying being moral or something without religion. I’m basically one of those damn atheists, but that should be illegal. Parents should force their retarded kids to believe in God—if you can convince grown-ass adults to drink poisoned Kool-Aid, you can brainwash a toddler into something useful.

If I drop dead, it’s his fault. He’s always implying I’m gay because I only have one best friend (as if best friends should be plural) and because I have long hair—even though I spent a month growing out this shitty stubble. Fuck my life. Mom’s cool, though good food and cool novels.

I just wish I was some normal, drama-obsessed bitch with a mid-tier IQ and a high EQ. A normal dad. Instead, I’m just another soon-to-be-drug-addicted teenage loser with no future and a loss of innocence.

Fuck.

Well, I might as well grab my bags and do something today. At least I have this notepad on my new Motorola—rich fuck, I am.

So, today's plan: Take a shower. Whine about the new body hair on my arms like a pussy. Throw on a baggy shirt and jeans, then add a denim jacket with patches from grindcore bands I like as a crutch to give myself some kind of aesthetic.

Vince from one hour later here—that exact thing happened! Score! Anyways I’m on the bus now I’ll add to this notepad  later and I’m back so I talked about why digimon is such a stupid idea for the… I don’t know the progressive word for it like autistic disabled children community. Is it really just them? My friend, Taylor, liked it when he was 12 but as a secret for fear of social suicide.

My philosophical deep argument is that someone like the Sonic-chu comic person (I didn’t actually talk about that guy) will just think Pokemon is good. There’s not even a point for a digimon but this acquaintance on the Bus was arguing that Digimon is different. Cool, it's the same idea. It’s a dumb little card game of creatures. Just like Yu-gi-oh, just like pokemon just like D&Dpussipocket223.

 Then well he called me an emo bitch anyways. Someone was coping with girls not finding him attractive. Too bad, eyeliner would be cool but nah fuck those fags. But… natural black hair is not what emo makes, that is racial discrimination to idk which group. Hey Invisible Man, should I talk to Taylor or sleep, I chose sleep in the Library. And I fail to sleep so I talk to Taylor with a classic “Hey whatcha doing today man” he responds with a rant about his classes and stuff and his stupid teacher giving advice on his English essay.

        The food is a pancake corn dog (but in that mystery meat fashion of unknown pork or sausage caliber) and a banana, since this is a more wealthy neighborhood, we get fruit juices from private companies you know, the big ones. I drink the juice and throw the rest away, my parents are very proud they bought the lunch pass.

We continue with a fuck, marry, kill situation and then he wants to see his other friends at another table but before I go I go with a amazing sentence, ahh I mean I just love it that changes my life forever “Which idiot would you scam, marry or kill?” This sentence sounds stupid, it’s very socially awkward and stilted but fuck you, you’ll see… He finally responds “Probably Alex or the kid with the overgrown buzzcut, even we can make a lot of money on them, shit gotta get going, I wish you liked my friends more” I respond with a “I wish I did too”, and 5 minutes later and playing snake I go to school as normal. They hand me a packet it's American History, this is like a month into school so I think this is about some bullshit about the articles of confederation, I heard we go all the way to killing the babies in Stalin's Russia or whatever bad thing the US allegedly did.

It's a suburb in Connecticut, its gonna be more detailed I imagine than flags and freedom or whatever in Alabama. And update while I spaced out daydreaming as a chick it kinda was, and yeah the fucking native american history nerd teacher (how did he teleport to Connecticut?) was super detailed and passionate and I just got bored and did the shit on the packet and act bored for the rest of it. Anyways, I talked with a guy in pre-calc, he was an acquaintance I bring for dnd and on other occasions.

Saying I like dnd sounds retarded and like I’ll be shoved in a locker now I really do to be honest I will never say it to someone but I do, but I got into honors algebra with half-intentional straight Bs (and never above) for this reason duh. In my eyes, extra hard work is not something I do for nothing. The mere fact I was a fucking weirdo that plays dnd was not the dream of eight year old Vince it was… fucking firefighter, actually it was before that… fire truck… so I would just like.. turn into a truck I guess?

 My point is more that this is bullshit and I should be a normie but no I guess, I invite him talk about Planet of the Apes being weird and sleep. I get woken up by a classmate, it was a blond woman acting way too calm about it like she typically does, thankfully I was in the back. I lacked sleep that day cause I tried to influence a forum member to click on a rotten.com link because I figured out how to make links less suspicious. It sounds emo but fuck off.

So what’s next, I went to a class in literature which is so boring that I’ll just skip it to lunch in the story, . Lunch was nice cause I can talk to Taylor, so we do. And I guess this changed my life cause while we were talking about GTA and about going to the skate park near us tomorrow I brought up the scam idea (the one I typed out earlier remember), I decided while brainstorming a scam in between the chick daydream and me noticing a subtle bald spot on the native american teacher, I thought of it like this right:
         1. Create a stupid conspiracy theory club 2.  gradually use convincing lies with a lot of weird circumstantial evidence 3. Encourage a fight against the establishment or whatever like my dad talks about 4. Require a payment of membership for protests we basically fake with photos of some “insiders” that Taylor knows to change their world for the dumb fucks and spilt the money. See dumb fucks aren’t hard to convince and Taylor well what does he think update it was like “Vince uhh that’s genuinely not like super ethical but… honestly how much can we make man?” I respond “probably about like 500$ a month minus the fake protest events but we much them super uncommon and stuff and we don’t even have to do much” he smirked and was like “Shit, that sounds awesome but couldn’t I just like go to work and not get in trouble and make more money” I looked suspiciously and was like “True, but this is lazy passive income and we can even sell overpriced food at a profit and make it a club event, its what the school does all the time after all.”

he chews on his cheeseburger and says “that is true and the job market is kinda ass, hmm dude hell yeah that sounds good yeah, but do you even know what to do to get members” I reply hastily with “I- I don’t know convince them with their emotions and find what stupid people would hate about the world and offer a solution, be a charmer”, Taylor was thinking about it for a bit though not looking not too confident in himself with a “That makes sense but I need someone else” meh I’m the “brains” which sounds arrogant and he’s the EQ of the operation yeah so I say “ok I’ll just text you ideas and you decide later” we talk about robots in movies being kinda cool in that canny way and then he decides to hang out with friends, and I decide to skip a class and take an edible before I skip, it helps me be creati ve and shitt, fuck man. I'm in the fuckin ends of the Library and no ome would notice me based on how the room is set up I don't know what to do fuuck.

Edibles help me feel at peace as my body gets destroyed from the territorial nature of puberty taking what it can get. So shit how would I do the scam? Would you know fuck, dumb ass who am I even texting with this notepad so ok ok fine let me relay why I'm here this weed can be a therapy session it's been 35 minutes now it must be acting. So, uhh childhood? Childhood? I don't even know I'm a spoiled suburb brat anyways but when I saw my sister di- nah I'm fcuking kidding haha. I genuinely don't understand the world. I remember I saw a homeless fucker, and he was skinny and we helped him for fuckin’ 8 months smeled like shit but when our shelter got defunded he stood out there and well he didn't see the metal bars I guess and was in such fucking denial and he slowly died I mean our roads don't like walkers so he could go many other places soo fuuuck, it was dehydration I think that must suck.

 That shows the world is really selfish and it's kill or be killed. I was 12, fuck my dad for working with this charity group I don't care about this if a poor man dies and I can’t trust it.  That’s probably why I can work on a scam, the world thrives on selfishness, its selfishness all around. I really wish people wouldn’t suffer from the world ghouls, props (A word I say for those that care but are ultimately fake) selfish incompetence, conflict of interest and so on. Atlas Shrugged should have been a critique of killing the homeless in that one society place for all people on the polit- this doesn’t matter god.

Anyways, enough skipping in case you're curious, PE of all things. There’s this fag that stares at my underweight body and I guess I tolerate gay people but they shouldn't stare at me especially since there isn't much to stare at when I undress but PE typically sucks even when it's something fun, I'm not a “debbie downer” or something an elderly lady would say cause I do like when I just run miles cause I am good at running and can brag to people but we ain't doing that and are doing some dumb shit probably.

But running and track itself is really fun and I'm surprised people like football and baseball and stuff. Football is for those that process things on a subprimative level and baseball isn’t but these are all sort of boring. My friend plays baseball and I go to his games to support him maybe hang out with an acquaintance I met on dnd but… holy… is he gonna do the scam thing about baseball I’ll tell him in advance shit man.

 So yeah this high sucks but uhhh French is next, and French is really cool and I have a knack for it, really helpful with Quebec people up north and it's pretty fashionable, the future may like Spanish better but nah I just like French it feels right. So, I physically throw myself up to “just go” in a nearing passing out sense and here I am in French wanting to die from this drug. So now, what happened? It was something about verb structures and then everything was a blur. Taylor called me a druggie and I went to another class high, marketing, and I am here done with school. Sorry for telling you my day to day life but do I wish for something better…?

 To be honest not really I get hang out with Taylor afterwards and I am nowhere near the pessimistic bastard compared to here but bus and then sleep, dad wakes me up to do chores for money even though I probably should do it for about 0$/hour but idk “positive reinforcement” some pussy shit but I do it for sour patches kids and maybe saving money for a video game, he has some savings for college. Dare I call him petite bourgeois to make him angry but he acts cool Taylor asks “why is he so awful dude, he seems cool to me” when I started complaining about him in my teen years. The answer is that it is very performative.

He's a hippe that voted Nader that can't be around a black person, someone that wants to be contrarian likes South Park and all the edge in society but is fucking weak to anything to edgy, a six figure communist with a book, a overly cool 40 year old man with a playlist of folk punk from against me and violent femmes (boring). He is bad with video games  but says is “totally hip and cool” and spoilers  he isn't, he was surprised when he saw a 3D game of all things thinking its the best thing since sliced bread and his undercut that he wears out for years on end.
    I need to text Taylor about going home here, we can play some Halo or San Andres or skate around that one Park dad drives me to out of my alleged love and shoot. We need to talk about the scam. So I shot him a text “Hey lets meet up dude, I have coke and my dad has his car we can be in but above all I really want our “club” to pay off”, and taylor sent me an “On my way there, baseball was cancelled from rain, you have Halo and stuff to talk to about stuff” shit I forgot he has baseball but luck came and helped me anyways, its destiny. “Yeah I have the extra controller from your brother, I kinda wanna give it back to you”, Taylor quickly responds with a simple “nah, he’s a PC player anyways, see you at 4” well… thanks haha.

So to give you an idea Taylor’s brother is genuinely a “deep otaku” to say the least, more the average poster on /a/ (a weird 4chan thing I’m new into but look it up on Internet Explorer), debatably a pedo so I really don't care. I talk with my dad with the distorted musings of Jon Stewart and a happy smirk from my dad and Taylor is here. “Yayayayayya :D”is a text I send to fuck with him when he says he’ll be there in 5 minutes. And then yeah he is here now “It’s raining let me in dude” and so I let him in “Goddamn, I hope you have hot chocolate, so we doing anything Vince or?”

 I actually don’t know what to do with him but there are ideas of playing video games, skateboarding at that place that's 6 miles away or making fun of a movie. “Hey dude do you want to do?” Is something Taylor said as I'm literally thinking and I'm like “hey let's play Halo and talk about the future retard money printer.” though not literally saying that and not in front of my dad and whatnot so I get up here type this message and play some Halo though he called it gay preferring another game intensely debating about  playing a fighting game like Tekken as if the mindset of goes from brother to him and ultimately yeah we settle for Halo and shoot the shit.

 So now here we are shooting the shit Taylor strikes up a conversation saying “Dude have you seen how ass Mr. Monroe is in Honors Bio”, it's stupid and I let him know smirking “Of course you have honors bio… but… isn't he that super strict teacher with the glasses who's wife divorced him and everyone knows dude. You seriously have him?! damn?” Taylor was half jokingly offended by the first sentence “Dude I'm not super concerned with being some weird nerd but I actually want a future. You should talk with our group sometime and-”, so I'm like, joking around… “And your future involves you showing me some weird action anime and calling it cool? Anyways you should have shot me at that spot but go on about honors bio” Taylor continues “Yeah, it really sucks dude but it's really funny as this guy who's maybe sped but why would we be in this class, is really funny, both like in that laughing at him and laughing with him way. He’s amazing, he's Jeremy.

 And we go on about how stupid the class is cause even Jeremy knows that and why that one ribosome lab was so detailed and we didn't because he talked more about his wife the entire time and everyone makes it good besides our teacher just y'know not teaching us but then dropping us in the middle of the lecture about what ATP synthesis or whatever means like it's harvard, but it's cool. You ever had a class with like a bad teacher or anything?” and then I respond “Oh yeah, last year I had Mr Brundy for World Lit and he was a total dumbass dude” I say while backstopping him with a knife “He really loved it though and made him do assignments about this one conspiracy fiction book related to MK Ultra and the essays were super  long and we did them like every week 3 pages, I wanted to die” Taylor responds suspiciously “haha, dude what even is an MK Ultra” I’m like “Well its a conspiracy that the US government experimented on soviets with drugs” Taylor is a total asshole here and is like “Dude you already do enough they should test you” he pauses “I’ve been thinking about our conspiracy club, that’s perfect” I stutter “wait wait, I watched a move about this idea from pirate bay what if the food in our school has happy pills uh it that make us obey and make our shit school tolerable” Taylor is like “Will people really fall for it? It seems kinda unethical anyways wouldn't our schools stupid just starve” I'm like “No they fucking wouldn’t they have food at home duhh, you don't even need food it only makes your body worse every time” Taylor is like “better than living on cough syrup and monster like you do haha, oh shit I lost” I scoff and mutter “Nice, I-” Taylor interrupts and goes “ever read that lesbian book that chick in the rainbow club made it's like they’re selling porn for free that’s wild” I act honest and say “damn that's hot but I make that in my head what's it ‘bout” fuck being a lesbian would be cool and yes this is Vince out of quote the rest of the stuff was us talking about his baseball practice that stuff is gay, but feeling free in one's body would be amazing. I add way to much intellectual whatever to it but I want to be how do I say it free in my body.

 There's a liberty in being this goth chick being called Amelia fighting against some rival  gang taking this silver haired girl. But ultimately it's liberty yet I don't know what's wrong with me it's part of my drug addiction. I starve myself too often and hate it as I go through an incorrect metamorphosis. This is druggie nonsense but, If I had extra money and liberty it would all go away. As I talk to Taylor I imagine what poor kids who are typically from what I notice are more retarded would think if I exploited them as an upper middle class child. I don't remember all the details since there were many but the ideas of our schemes followed along that:

>Bush did 9/11 to crash the banks and speedily pass bills that hurt, I go on weird racist website

>One of the bills included in an addition to that one school bill was including a drug that mixes some of the effects of Adderall and some animal tranquilizer by the CIA in food in microscopic amounts to keep us in line and absorb propaganda

>Photoshop white spots

>And then 9.99$/mo subscriptions

>Done, get 30 to 50 people and get them into fake protests, advertise this as an “underground bunker group” at the trees near here to make it counter-cultural

These were the basic conclusions. We have enough quotes in here already damn it and half of them are slightly off in phrasing. So often sometimes playing Halo and then talking about stuff I think I sorta wanted to play a board game with him because I was mostly reading and chilling as he watched Family Guy. Dad calls me out for Dinner and says Taylor kinda has to go now cause well he has dinner and I let him. I biked with him as we go home, I need some Delsym in a couple weeks and some candy “Hey, by the way, which Baseball team is your favorite dude?” Taylor still thinks I’m interested I watch his games anyways and don’t say much, its less bad of a sport than I originally thought and I used to use it as an excuse to eat a lot and hang out with Hunter before I started getting taller, I ultimately do want to be a supportive friend we’ve been close like glue since childhood. I don’t remember the details of the conversation but we were debating between Red Sox and Dodgers.

 I have no dog in this fight because I haven’t watched baseball in a year but Dodgers were pretty good last time I checked. I tell him I visit him around and get some gum and god damnit. I missed my own dinner and now I might seem gay. And congrats moms here, she is very quiet but generous, a cook, a do it yourself author, she helped me when I sprained my knee at a skate park but she helps dad with his own classwork sometimes (kinda stupid I guess). She tries and she made Enchiladas and I get a small amount and go to my room, if I’m quiet enough they don’t suspect a thing, and the rest is some sugar free gum and a brewing of spearmint tea for the night. Mom, well she thinks something is up and wants a talk when I’m ready in a kind way but thats a bitch. I kinda hate my life and I just want to read some “Go Ask Alice”, I’m debating on whether to slit my shoulders today as the scars look good but that weary look makes me just like, God. I might be an attention whore, I might be an attention whore, I’m so afraid man. I won’t be punished. They believe in “positive reinforcement” but that looks in their eyes as I hide, I think I should just clean up for her and then be reclusively. I’ll clean my room tonight to make them happy. I’ll go to bed later.

Chapter 1 - And Where Are We Now? - September 22, 2005:

I remember when I was young and I was, God I don't remember innocent and liberated as a kid, my dad was a cool guy and I brought a lot of friends over. It wasn’t hard work (often aimlessly) and I had dreams and ambitions. The real world hit when I was nine, my teacher was crying stressed as she couldn't pay bills and uses me as a confidante as I was this weird little kind of goodie two shoes but not really, I was an empath weirdo and I ate lunch with her as the teacher was alone and I didn't feel welcome. I was made fun of for being a bit “weird” I liked being affectionate in exaggerated wholesome ways like hugs or “you're amazing at everything” and all this weird garbage and was weaker than other kids even flamboyant. As a result I'm an emotional punching bag here and I developed this unfortunate weird in a completely permissible way relation with a teacher where she vents to me about her life her bills, her struggles and so on it really sounds stupid and I occasionally vent about my life and we give each other advice or an attempt of advice. I realized how much she stress she was in over her life as her grandpa dealt with a health condition, sure she was an emotional parasite but she didn’t have money to give to her 61 year old grandpa while feeding herself. He needed her insurance in fact, then I saw protestors against property taxes in our wealthy community, my dad explained them, they fund school then I realized everyone was a selfish pawn for something, their own cause not mine or the own future benefit though in a primate kid way.

   Nowadays  It shows that morality is subjective to all the clowns running in the show besides the property manager making the profit or controlling the tent. At best I’m like my dad pretentious, a graying fake Marx beard wearing person that works in academia but isn’t a true authority or work at I don’t know Sonic until I die. That's life unless you exploit others in my scam or a business. And that's why I want to-

  I don”%t

Know where the screen is

   I’m kinda coughing blood it really hurts like I don’t know where I am from this notepad, it happens after I starve for too long I think it's only been 23 hours or so excluding gum and spearmint tea, I split the gum in fucking half, what's wrong with me? Ok it's around 6:20 and I think I have to get dressed and everything and largely bus yadda yadda my life is going to be the same old same old so I’ll just stop typing until lunch. I talked about the scam today, I really wanted to.

Taylor pushed back a little on our plans but we have some and are filling out our paperwork as the “Discovery Club” the Marine Biology teacher Mr. Schwanz is because non-existent as a moderator so let's do it and “Hey, before we start uhh” Taylor interrupts me “Are you ok, you look so tired in a depressed way, dude. Like you seem desperate” which is bitchy cause he never talks about this “I’m good, I’m good. Do you want to not live like some person forever fucking trapped in like some job we’re you just serve some bitch until you die like a cog or do you want to actually get mon-”, Taylor winces “Fine whatever dude. Honestly I agree but you’ve been like super fucking emo for the last month” I’m like “Well I’m more a metalhead, but aren’t you the guy that likes three days grace” Taylor responds with “Yeah yeah, uhh we were talking about how weird tennis is in my group the other day y’know what do you think about that dude” He’s obviously avoiding the scam thing “Tennis is stupid, like just a ton of skinny guys hitting a small little ball and they score by what, 15? Why?

Anyways so yeah the paperwork is done and I think I should submit it both of our GPAs are fine enough to submit this” Taylor responds “Oh yeah, we should probably type out a strategy first but honestly, how do you like develop a strategy to like be a terminal druggie, legit I can see why you wanna but how with your parents and all” Well, “You know I’m proud of it well get a fake ID or some type of dealer. I got the cough syrup OTC at Walgreens with no tylenol or nothing and got my weed and maybe some K-hole for the future in that ghetto strip mall in Hartford” I see a smile “Nah my mom thinks I’m too special, uhh so you play COD while tripping right what’s that like” IDK “ Huh? Well it really depends am I going plat 3 or on an edible or well... I can’t really do that well in general on that stuff so I don’t play it, I play some uuhh like dorky stuff.”

A grin “Like what” Uhh “Well Crash Bandicoot and that one princess game my mom got when I was 9” Taylor laughs and then we talk about the fat kid that used to look fit, all rude and behind his back he doesn’t know us and its a bit dickish but he’s tapping my shoulder and like “Hey hey look” me blinking I’m like “what?” and then he goes “Y’know they guy used to bench like 250?” I admittedly chuckle “Oh shit, dude how. I bet he can still bench like 250 probably just differently” Taylor is now aware “Oh right right true, is he bulking I mean like pssh he should probably stop, maybe take your diet” I mean that would work so I respond “Oh yeah probably, I mean I don’t even have a diet so that helps. Oh yeah bells ringing finish the paperwork then he have plans, come here at 8am tomorrow” He waives as the floor squeaks slightly “Alright see you at your place” as I keep going.

And yeah by the way, that actually reminds me to note this down, we (my family) make 6 figures by a technicality just barely, yeah we’re fucking wealthy man. This is why Taylor is always over, he’s in my same neighborhood roughly in suburbia but much less well off. Honestly, it makes me feel guilty in theory. It's a nice experience. I'm not even being spoiled cause I understand how it must be to actually do these jobs and don’t beg for much. Mom works her butt off to sell a book well and dad does too with his lower rung economics classes made to fill credits in a community college. I have a good life in general compared to the poor yet don’t feel happy about it, two caring parents and yet I don’t feel it. I feel scared of the world because I was involuntarily birthed by sheer happenstance into a body I dislike, a system of the world I dislike, and a lack of passions that will make me money that intrinsically profit a higher up. Yes, I know I know this is off-topic. But I wish that this world was less of an automatron mess, I’m not a commie that's just as bad but I wish that worked. We got the paperwork down and I know I will do this well so lets start off with the introduction to the scam first, some basic advertising. I think I’ll act like a prophet that somehow knows these people by friending them on myspace. And yeah after class psh whatever. And yea yea I’m back on my computer its like 3:30pm or so yea I didn't document my classes stfu, right now what I want to do is just sorta befriend people I kinda know that are stupid or gullible

        Uhh, Hayden is one that kid that is a fucking emo boy holy shit, he can fall for something, maaybe. Ehh whatever it would be funny. My profile pic is some sorta psychic chicks that you see on TV but a bit more gothic though not that well whatever. It isn’t some weird shit but here it goes Hayden Way (which isn’t his last name) and with emo looking tiled walls and a Mychem quote in the info box and holy shit this will be good I type “I know you” and wait this is sorta the format I do with these “You’re Hayden Moore, you’re a dark mysterious smart young man that is deep down a rebel. Do you want to know about how society is poisoning you?”  I’ll wait for him to respond but I didn’t eat anything at lunch I waited 10 minutes then lied to Taylor its been 31 hours and I can’t take it anymore. I go downstairs and get the leftovers. I bring the laptop with me cause my life is fucked anyways my body is going to degrade and my voice will drop, and what if I develop some stupid neanderthal thing or get even more acne. Fuck my… whatever I’m in the living room near the kitchen anyways. My moms here at least, shit she is here that's not the best right now cause she was gonna have a talk “oh hey mom what's this show about” and she smiles “Oh Vince, nice yeah its Law and Order, how was school today. I imagine things get stressful for you” she’s trying to transition into some convo while I get food. “Oh, yeah. What do you want”. She says “Hey I want nothing, it's just I can tell you haven't been eating much. You were always more comfortable as a kid, Y'know.” I snap aggressively but not yelling “I fucking hate my body, y'know that? Right?” She responds “We need to understand you a bit more… I have a character kinda like you Vince, Wanna ditch school and help out, it'd be better for your mental health. They called me about you occasionally so after this no more” I'm skeptical “Schools fucking stupid though I'm gonna be stuck in the same middle class at best job” she says caringly “Honey, I don't like getting political but jobs are things for everyone we all have to do our part even if we don't want, and you just aren't from a super rich family so college is your best choice.” I don't know about this “I don't want to be like dad… and especially don't want to look like him. God” Mom says “I'm not sure if you'll grow out of it but things will get better. You always looks so sad all the time and that Taylor boy is the one keeping you up. I remember you at your happiest” I got a text from him I think it was about the scam, he sent me the usernames and “Oh yeah it was when you were 7 until your 11th birthday, but I don't want to talk about everything” fuck that was when I was in… no that embarrassing “Mom don't then God” Mom responds “I respect everyone no worries. This show it’s pretty new to me, I'm marathoning it right now” I play with my hair a little bit in the meanwhile while she's watching me in a sort of emotional corner. “You like it mom?” She responds “Oh yeah, I like writing more fantasy stuff so this isn't for like inspiration”  I smirk and am like “Oh yeah, I like it kinda” to sorta just act agreeable while I get my notification from Hayden and hide it like hell “I guess why? Nothing much matters here

” Hayden “way’ responds “Imagine this, you know the worst people in the world imagine them putting chemicals in your water. Just imagine that, and they make you submit to the system, I have images over here that came from many schools across the US but I believe you go to William Hall High, is that correct?” he responds like 2 minutes later “Yes maam” damn this feels good to be a witch like a master over servants (edit: what the fuck, its not that deep, whatever, me), Hayden is still typing “but what do they want? Should I care? What do they do?”

     Goddamn please don't overthink things now I need more money “They're forcibly adding small bit of animal tranquilizer and even some Adderall to improve test scores after Bush signed no child left behind” he responds “Oh, ok maam” why does he always say maam, damn regardless I smirk and say “meet the two young men at 3:30 tomorrow, you're an emotionally intelligent, vicious young man that's been through a lot as a psychic I can feel it. You can do this” and that was that maybe he ghosts me, maybe he comes surprisingly easy to manipulate as a I even forgot a witchish psychic, it was some persona. Oh yeah mom is here I didn't really too visibly show emotion here but “Oh Vince you're on the interwebs right?… you know its really nice to have broadband now” I'm kinda focused but I'll just respond “ummm yeah I guess, thanks… mom”.  I should get to befriending someone else but honestly I need Taylor for this dude, he's a lot smarter than I am with people, I am on my phone for this thing anyways so I text Taylor “Yo, come here Lil boya, suga, no no come here boy”  Taylor: “Shit I got the wrong number”, I respond: “Shit this is Vince's weed dealer down main street, come to Vinces house or I'll kill you and your family” Taylor responds: “Yes Mr dealer” and now Taylor is biking, off to the races they go or something…  I watch news and I just want him dude, works well for the scam. Well eh, I'll watch this show with mom. The main character chick is pretty man, I hate that shit gets me angry it isn't supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows to be a chick fucking bitch, high standard model. Wait, she's dealing with weird murders, pedos, druggies and shit that doesn't sound fun, but fuck her ehh whatever. And Taylor, nice, thank god there's a door knock. “You being a bitch in there”, Taylor says I respond with “pretty much, I'll let you in” I passive aggressively yell to my comrade father “I'm going with daddy outside, father”, Dad sarcastically calls the passive aggressiveness “wow already first base” as I run off. I remember him mouthing the word “therapy” I interact with Taylor who is nonchalant, “I mean if that works go for it.” Shifts to the scam  “Lets go to that tree and lemme show you the list. And I want you to know if you fuck this up I'm ratting you first. I'm in it for money” I respond “Well… deal. Didn't you say ‘durr called a job’ ” He responds “You're right this is easier but this isn't some matrix shit where you can say you're being controlled and then life is immediately evil. But jobs suck for high schoolers and I got no car” I respond “Well exactly” Taylor responds paper in hand “Anyways, boom got the list, addresses phone numbers, got gossip” I respond “K, lemme hear it dude”  Taylor digresses:

“Ever heard of Joel”

“Who the FUCK is Joel?”

“Dude he was the guy that really likes football but is built like a skinny guy but has like a full beard here. He tried to hit on a girl that was probably his same weight in stats according to a friend, of course never panned out but he's gullible.”

“nope still no idea who he is but like how gullible”

“Well I remember in stats someone tricked him into some cartoony shit like thinking the teacher was a marine sniper that was out to get him if he didn't pass”

“Shit our jobs done there, next done the list”

“And Shyren Hendrix”

“Shyren, like a game character?”

“Its a decent name but yeah it is weird… umm oh yeah I heard from a guy that visited pottery club that she was super into conspiracies and religious and seems like she's full nuts, like schizo”

“I would be too if my name was Shyren, she at least hygenic”

“She's not bad but it would be better if she wasn't right”

“I guess but that effects the club room too”

“I know a guy that really likes sweets”

“How is that relevant”

“No really likes them candy you can bride him with it”

“Not much bang for your buck if we buy boxes of candy to bribe him its like 1 twix each day”

“No dude, like community and candy that stuff would totally work its like a little ingroup thing as you ramble about stuff”

“Name?”

“Austin”

“And our first no pile goes to…”

“Yeah I'll go to the next one, my bad”

“Nah, don't worry honestly”

“Heather?”

“From where give me a class”

“Oh literature, a quiet kid, kinda acts like you super depressed tried to off herself and got reported to the school for having a heart drawn next to the Dylan shooter guy”

“Fucking, columbine?! Am I even safe doing that?”

“Nah, she's harmless she just thought he was hot”

“Most girls aren't that introverted, I'm diagnosing aspergers. Lets invite her”

Taylor pushes back, “Well, we aren't evil right?”

“You listed her down you even got her Myspace”

“I thought you were gonna justify it with like nothing matters or something”

“Thats kinda it but its more that I will never be as exploitative as a business executive guy”

“Yes but wild, hell can be a manager . Let's see if she's gullible. I mean she likes Columbine, is she racist?”

“Vince!’

“What?”

“I actually don't know come to think of it but we might invite a token black guy in the club so I don’t think you should like-”

“Like what?”

“Like add racist stuff to your conspiracy, come to think of it like you told me before but like what lie are you going for”

“Bush did 9/11 working with Israel to crash banks, like it isn’t like jews but yeah and that crashed banks I guess”

“We’re 16 Vince who fucking ca-”

 “Oop lemme finish, and so good ole passed a ton of new laws and that was No Child Left Behind and that was bad because to get test scores up our school adds a mixed of adderall, happy pills and horse tranquilizer to both sedate but also make the students engaged and this would hypothetically be in the water and food, these are like microdoses”

“Do you believe it?”

“Sounds like a convincing conspiracy to like people in high school, and yeah of course I’ll simplify it but thats like the details”

“Isn’t that… y’know anti-semetic?”

“I said Israel, and we’re not gonna bring up the back story we’re just gonna say they’re drugging us due to George Bush and photoshop, free money”

“I said this before but this is just like anorexia so, oh oh, we should sell original lied about organic lunches for profit”

“Does any of us know how to cook”

“I think I do, I did when my dad was exhausted from the shifts he does sometimes”

“Your mom does that right? like thats kinda I dunno girly”

“Her painkiller problems bad, like an addict recently”

“Damn, that must suck. Dude, we don’t live in Hartford”

“But we do though”

“We live in WEST Hartford”

“Yeah, we got sites to add, y’know? Add their myspaces but dude last one before we go inside”

“My place or yours”

“You Choose”

“My parents are weird right now, we'll go to yours. Though I feel guilty about venting so I won’t” I reply

“Well mine is slow its dial up” Taylor says

“Yeah then we’ll do it slow and wait, I think only 2 have a myspace here 3 are phone numbers and from the looks of it another phone only, that ones just easy”

“You’re awkward.. Dude”

“You’re not awkward how you get their phone numbers”

“Asked around and looked at the phone books too, I have my ways otherwise, sometimes they come flooding”

“Nice. So last one. Will.”

“That dude is cool, but he would totally fall for it”

“Why though”

“He just would he feel like he would”

“So what are the stories”

“He is really superstitious about things that can predict his future like he talks with mind readers on public access and pays a lot for it, its his secret but he told someone and now everyone knows”

“A lot of people fall for mind readers but how much is a lot”

“He had a part time job and stuff for it, he’s a good dude just insecure”

“No, I just feel he’s not the right type”

“Yeah I see what you mean”

“Anyways, are we going inside?”

“Yeah”

And so we ride to his place and talk about like the current things going on in life “Shit, that 360 console thing, that sounds cool but its expensive man. No seriously.”

“Well yeah but there’s going to be internet on it like a personal computer I heard”

“Anyways why aren’t you into anime Vince, like you seem like you would totally be into it”

“I’m going to tell your friends you like anime, that stuffs for total weirdos especially the stuff you watch, like Elfen Lied, not sounds like something some nerd with glasses would like”

“Dude its so badass…”

“But yeah don’t tell anyone dude”

“I mean yeah whatever I won’t, anyways if you wanted a ton of blood real a horror novel by like I thing even Stephen King has good shit”

“Imagine reading”

“Your teachers says its good for you, ok”

“So apparently doing weed is good for you?”

“You got me there man but still”

“The movies are good though”

“Oh yeah yeah and we’re here”

I continue “So you’re gonna just call peoples numbers here”

Taylor responds “Yeah, but we should hang out while we do it, want food first”

“Dude, don’t worry I got food at home”

Taylor looks suspiciously “Well okay

And I explore around his home, its a pleasant little one story, though a bit poorer than the rest of our burbs its nice though, there’s a TV on the bench of the living room over here and a nice little kitchen with a dated design but it feels lived in and I get to Taylor's place as he plays with his short curtain bangs “Yeah my dad isn’t here he’s doing overtime and moms sleeping so we can call the numbers but we’ll take it slow”

“Shit I got this new album I like it and its a bit less hardcore so its good for you, check it out”

“City of Evil?

“Yeah, Avenged makes good shit man”

And we just talk about other things in the back for 10 minutes

“Oh yeah I kinda like it, I’m not as big into metal as you are but I like most rock and metal stuff just not the screamy stuff, guess thats why I’m pretty chill with you, you genuinely have those cool metal vibes”

“Shit remember when we were kids and you had this like huge trampoline that was insane, I went high as hell on it”

“Shit yeah”

Taylor continues “ I always wondered, you almost never cut your hair you did it when you were like 10 and it was so short but you were super sad, why?”

I chime in “Lord if I know, makes me unique I guess then I lost my magic powers” I say sarcastically

“Ehh whatevs lets just do the scam now”

And then we called people fuck you I'm skipping this I I'll just summarize this. Taylor did the calls I did the Myspace on dial up fucking dial up, Heather was a fucking bitch dude, she didn't believe any of it but was like “I don't fucking care mom wants me to go to a club but why does it cost money” and I'm like bitch who the fuck cares you took like 45 minutes to talk to cause you kept waiting “oh dinner” bitch shut the fuck up. Shyren was just bizarre but I played up the less psychic girl though I like being a chick so I choose the psychic girl stuff but I had to focus more on what would be her destiny to be the servant of the lord to fight the serpents of the fray and the illuminati between them, just go with some X-files shit. Taylor missed a guy and we all were a little uncomfortable  he called Will, Austin (yes he still called him) and Joel, he missed Austin so no one gave a shit cause I said no and lets be honest Joel was boring a little bit spacey and Will was a tad predictable so I'll just said I laid my head here and had a convo with Taylor about just general life and he forced me to try to eat and I said no, christ, no. He asked me why and I just didn't want to and lied about eating food at home. He told me I was lying with a fucking passionate “Dude, no get over here, don't fucking… god. I hate when you lie about this.” And got really fucking moody cause I was allegedly being anorexic even though its my own body and I can do things that hurt no one. After yeah I know more talking the long Connecticut goodbye, he hugged me good night and had nice cologne. Whatever, momma and dada happy when I get home and I cleaned and faked eating food by ripping apart putting it in the trash, using the papers that I intentionally scribble on to be looking like I was just drawing and decided to listen to Converge and watch some reruns of King of the Hill, and kick back before, well I'm currently trying to smoke weed but energy drinks and weed don't go well I had a red bull before hand I'll wait.

I cleaned the bathroom and did a weed brownie I'll stop typing when its hitting. I had to talk to mom and well its hitting now.

I wish I was a better person

Goodnight.

September 23, 2005 - Chapter 2.

Shit, shit, I had the fucking munchies last time and I ignored it cause I never wanted to break my fast but fuck man, I got to eat but I won't eat the trash so I'll eat leftover… wait a minute… fuck mom man, I like her and thank God for missing school holy shit she is giving me a God damn mental health day I stood up and was so exhausted and… just breathe… no school she'll monologue and stuff instead and thats more interesting but I want to see Taylor and the club and how that pans out I told everyone this is our first day. And I got out of the shower, I hate the shower, especially the sliver stuff in the shower that shows my reflection, I'm gonna eat thank God, my stomach hurts so much…

Its 7:38 AM right now, and I'm wearing a DEP shirt cause why not I don't wanna wear my battle jacket and just some days I don't, Mom is indeed awake she typically wakes up about as early as dad due to being a “Morning Bird” she has a stay at home job so I don't get it but good for her. Anyways she's here watching TV and I eat and eat like hell about a serving. I think I heard about refeeding syndrome when watching some documentary so it was still a little less but dude I was starving. My life would just be better sometimes if I disappeared or whatever. And this isn't suicidal I have no plans no nothing, but I would rather live in a coma or dark void or something. Oh fuck, now mom notices something she scuffed my hair and smiled “Morning Vince, its ok dad isn't here. You should appreciate him more but I understand if you don't I was like you growing up”

I respond “But he's a little communist weirdo”

Mom responds “He's all that and more, but he really does mean well if you give him a chance. He wants to help people, always does. He cares about others' food and housing, that's why I married him. He even went to Yale for his PhD.”

I think about how deep down I don't give a shit but regardless I listen to be kind. He always bragged about Yale. she continues “I've seen him work tirelessly just to help others in charity, he's a good person.” I respond with a smile “I mean yeah he's kinda nice” mom responds “Hey you want any tea, Vince?” I respond “Yeah, that'd be nice” She brews me some tea, my favorite is always spearmint due to its nice taste and my personal research and there it is “So tell me about life, school, Taylor, your problems, your new hobbies. I need to know you better son. I think I know a lot but as a mom, you're a little body I made, walking through existence, I always need to know more.”

I responded “Well, I don't have new hobbies besides my usual ones, you know, like games, same music, same skating but I guess less baseball, I'm reading more I guess stream of conscious books though instead of just horror novels and short story stuff. And yeah yeah Taylor is awesome, he's a good friend”

Mom replies: “Oh nice, any problems with him right now”

I respond “I don't know honestly, he's pretty passive and has been detaching a bit lately but he's pretty chill and always spends time with me”

Mom smiles, eating a croissant “Oh that’s nice honey, so about your mental health, want to talk about it? What's going on in your head”

How would I even respond, I never even chose this world I think I said this to her a bit melodramatically but trying not to cull the fire “I never had a choice to be in this world, I never had a choice to be alive in this brain and body and I don't want out, but I want to live a different sentience. A different body, a different brain, different actions, different world” why was I crying fuck “mom… I want out please I hate myself”

Mom mutters semi-audibly with I think “God I don't want to bring… her up again, uhhh”

She corrects herself “Umm m-my child its ok, its ok, we should come to, to a conclusion on how you can, can control it first. You have friends, a middle class family, you're-you're smart enough to have a future is there anything you can do to stop this. I don't want you to starve, you have people who love you Vince I promise we can help, you can get As and be just like tutors, like therapists” muttering “not like dad” correcting “like your teachers, like the people in the world that can help and… you have potential to be anything and I'm sorry” there's still tears near my cheeks feeling numb “this was stupid mom, I can't be fixed” Mom replies “I love you, dad loves you, the Taylor boy is best friends with you, you matter and if we lost you we would be saddened for a very long time. Every action you do matters”

I respond “Can I go up and read or fuck I don't know”

Mom bats her eyes “Sorry honey, you should probably stay with me. I haven't been close enough lately. I'm in the climax of my character arc in this book I'm writing and dad is predicting a recession by next year so I'm pumping things out quick. I'm trying to be better though.”

Oh great, I don't know what to do here I need Taylor damn I should text him he's probably with his friends fuck my life. Whatever, anyways. I am with mom right now and it's just whatever right. I can play snake for like 10 minutes. I just really do wanna numb the pain, but if I do a Vice of some sorts mom would actually notice so I'll wait. Maybe some small talk “should I do chores or anything umm” Mom is like “No dear, no. Is there any video games you've been playing?”

“I've been umm playing San Andreas, Halo, RE4 and Taylor's weird cause he brings over these Japanese games I haven't heard of before like this weird Guilty Gear game, shi- shoot I'm sharing too much but yeah”

“Ooh I remember playing the Ole N64 when I was raising you, you can get two games at a really good deal at the local game store and I liked connecting with you when you were younger you liked these driving games and stuff, I played with you sometimes to see if it was violent and to understand you”

I respond “Oh yeah the  Multi-racing Champion yeah, but I was a weird kid”

 Mom responds kinda depressed “You were never a weird kid, maybe that's overstating it but you weren't bad. You were just a kid that never understood the world. It was a harsh world for you and you got sick often and the boys bullied you sometimes but you just weren't appreciated for things out of your control. I think it's why you hate yourself now.”

She continues “I think dad was up in arms about class struggle too and… ooh sorry Jesus Christ I'm not a mouthpiece uhh how was that skate park last week was… was… it too crowded”

I'm like “Well, that was more ghetto Hartford when dad drove me with Taylor, it was pretty good overall and yeah a bit crowded. And I want to say… I don’t dream of dying but I dream of reviving, I need a nap, wake me up in 30 and I can help you write or something or some… ugh, um mental health stuff. Please don’t think I’m going to vanish”

I think I went to sleep for 45 minutes around 9:08am and mom woke me up late I think I don't know when I'm doing dex the one plat per week rule is stupid and arbitrary when I complain about this people call me addicted and losing sensitivity to the drug but the mere euphoria of DXM and its feeling of disappearing, from my body and soul is amazing, especially with music. Regardless I check my drawers there's about 900ml of delsym bottles I use a separate for any actual cough and logically what follows is that its more infrequent. So yeah get up, I know I'm depressed I was better 6 years ago whatever. There was an alter-ego I had that always made me better that I can't engage with now and mom always knows to prescribe me as mentally ill because of it, whatever. I was deluded anyways I thought I was her and lied and lied just to feed the delusion as an illogical kid. “Mom I'm awake” I yell and she opens the door and guides me out as we have small talk I don't care to write. Going down the stairs felt heavy as an anvil as Pink Cigarette, a song I don't like, was stuck in my head. And there she was there was a computer she works on and a setup of Microsoft Word and well I come from a good high school and have had pretentious English teachers so let me give you a pretty articulate comparison. My  10th grade English teacher (it was an AP class I didn't want) told me that most of the imagination in fantasy and fictional art is eventually tied to some type of lame metaphor, Grim, Lord of the Rings, some type of symbolism especially biblical. Mom accidentally does it similarly and so I help with her themes as she sometimes stares at me and then writes a cameo character, I often do get to read these books and they're decent and pretty its a story of Elizabeth fighting against turning into stone as she goes on. Yeah it's probably barebones but the writing is articulate and metaphorical and the character's voice is soft and well intentioned, a princess who originally intended to graze her animals needs to save a prince in 7 days or else she turns to stone, avoiding the gender standards of being arrested for even trying to and having a whole host of characters. I correct small things “Mom, Cynthia should kill this slime with a bit of a slower motion, she is a bit depressed and tired” is stuff like that I say but she negotiates this a lot of the times and she often beats me out focusing on thrill and entertainment value. “Oh yeah, umm kiddo what do you think about Elizabeth I think anyone can be like her really” I respond “Well she's a nice character and has well reasoned motivations if you ask on a technical, I really hope you get it published soon” I didn't really know if I meant it but I mean it monetarily cause her wages come like a massive block of cash and then I get good shit, but yeah I want the best for her cause she's a good person of course. “Uhh so is there anything else I should do”, she responds “oh, nothing really I think you should do the things you like to do, you do seem pretty stressed out and I want to help you, life is about doing what's best for others afterall, especially my umm son” I respond “You don't seek confident about that” Mom responds “NO, its something else, don't worry but just know I love you regardless of what you are, and I don't mean it like dad says it” I rightfully with a quiet bitterness in my voice ask “Why do you say that like you know what I am?” I get enough from that with Dad christ, whatever at least I know she seems to mean well but people whispering behind my back was always something I thought pissed me off and when I get up from my parents even if they mean well I just… I don't care I really don't its just a minor thing with I guess its own benefits. I'll continue watching TV. She tries to transition into something else “Is there anyone bullying you, you skip school a lot, I'm really awkward I just want to know cause I don't like anyone getting hurt”  I yell to divert the conversation “I'm fine, I'm fine, are you okay?! Why are you…?” She also quiet “I really don't want you on the streets, I mean we tried many things Vince, please just get better for me. I'll send you to any therapy or doctor, just try for your mom” I'm understanding “I'm sorry” Mom responds “No its ok I'll leave you alone for a couple hours if it helps” and that's a lot to do in the afternoon, should I eat… I ate I think 500 calories and I could eat another 300 and be done and ignore my mom but I can eat another 300 for dinner instead and skip lunch and what if Taylor brings snacks, stupid to bribe people. I'll text him what are we doing at 3, its a friday afterall so people might just forget and go home directly I text him:

“I'm alive dude don't worry” Taylor responds, “Hey dude, I missed you I've been talking with my friends and Frankie for a while, kinda boring but nice, if you're feeling well I'll see you around” I'm kinda pissed responding “what do you mean “and Frankie” is Frankie a dick or they like, are they a chick? Did you finally get a girlfriend?” Taylor texts me a bit later “Nah Frankie's a dick, like he keeps talking about water polo and no one gives a shit, seriously.” I respond “Oh yeah water polo's for rich weirdos, anyways I got some weird philosophical thing in the meanwhile idk I just randomly came up with it, what would be your dream Utopia, like a perfect society” Taylor texts back “You mean in a political way, I thought you weren't into that stuff” I text back, annoyed “I didn't mean that like just a good society for everyone you would live in and not worry about anything” he texts “Probably one where everyone has an infinite credit card and we had like voluntary schools and jobs and people can just choose a life they want to be honest, some people can naturally work to pick up the slack too” how does that work “Just blow up cash and act like the credit card just has anything you want haha, I don't know people should do whatevs. And I mean this in a like in a monkeyish way I don't know. I don't think much about it but it sounds cool. Lets talk about the scam.” I play along “Oh my God dude I was just thinking about that” He responds “don't say “oh my god” like that again lol” I ignore it and say “Did you contact anyone before the club started so we can see if they'll really come?” He responds “A few I saw Heather in like Pajama bottoms and a shirt and she was chill but  very weird. She never made eye contact and texted on her phone ignoring me but she said yes and Will was with me and we walked to class early and I dropped him off and he said yes.” I respond “Well should I make slideshows?” He responds “We don't have a projector in class don’t worry” I respond “Good, good.  I didn't have anything, I'll see you then, we'll see each other at 5 too right, that'd be nice”.  Taylor replies “Yeah see yea dude” school is so far dude ugh I have to ask mom about club and would the school know, would the teacher know if I was absent? I was watching some newgrounds and playing some of its flash games with my iconic account AdreynOnSociety666  some school shooter game and some game where you beat up your boss and I beat the shit out of the bitch with a fucking hammer man, oh and I really didn't play much console shit I felt guilty and stayed in the living room watching cartoon network like I'm 9 or something, its really starting to have awful shit on it, only good thing is fosters now. So its 1:03 and I think cause she said “a couple” hours when it was like 11:30 I think its until about like 2 right so yeah. I'll relax here and damn I didn't do much. I'm bored overall but its self-inflicted as I choose to stay here in the living room for a bizarre reason. I played some flash game as a means to pass time while skipping lunch without being watched (I could just lie) and mom is officially here. She's way too early but I tolerate it. The first thing I think she asks came after her staring at the dining room table, that numb, brown area with a light that looks 90% light and 10% chandelier and she said glancing back at me “Did you have anything, my child” she always says “my child” like she's slightly trembling in tone, its subtle and you don't notice it at first but, well, I don't know if I did anything wrong but she clearly knows my name. Enough said, she rears up to talk about our action plan to well, to be honest, fix me (I know I'm burdensome, she's trying to live her life and I just get all self-indulgent over my made up problems). She starts her solution based in some small talk though she was all like “What you do out here while I was gone” after me giving a non-answer she was then kinda like “Thought about anything I said… well… before?” a question like that with the obvious awkward pauses. “If you want me to get therapy I'll get therapy cause I love you but I didn't do anything wrong, not that will hurt anyone or anything. I have fine grades and all this stuff but I know that you know I didn't hurt you or dad or” Mom responds “Awww, honey its fine, its fine, noo. We're worried about YOU, you seem really sad all the time. And here's the thing. You don't like the mirror and” she mutters to herself “do I not, not like cook well dad likes it yeah I'll talk about this” she breathes in deeply “I bring out the trash every week and I see my cooking more than often and I see my food in there, and if you don't like it thats fine I guess I hope it doesn't taste bad” I respond genuinely feeling this but with an uncomfortable smile to not make her feel “No, its fine” she akwardly pivots and well is breaking down concerned staring into my eyes with tears holding back from a not angry but desperate yell over time “Well you see, I KNOW you haven't been eating and I don't know whats going on and your shirts I get and you get and everything just keep getting more baggy you keep losing weight and I'm sorry my child you always hate the mirror all the time and I don't know whats wrong with you I'm sorry what did I do! I just want to know” Vince “Huh Mom you did nothing, I HATE MYSELF. I hate what I was made out of… you did nothing but I just don't know, I don't. I hate my bones and my hair around my limbs my body my” Mom responds “I don't think you should, I, we have a therapist but I think you are killing yourself just slowly and softly since you were 13. You don't smile in pictures anymore. We have therapist for body dysmorphia or anorexia and god, even that, thing, everyone is welcome” I interrupt cause I'm kinda pissed put holding back “Stop saying that, what is it stop playing fill in the dots. My persona is bullshit stop it, its annoying I don't care about it why are you harping on this I'm sorry I just want… I don't care” Mom pivots “we'll talk about something else then, uhhh well we did mean to do an action plan, haha, that was obvious, first well, to help your depression what about Dr. Anns, you liked Dr. Anns when grandmama died so or maybe a newer one with better specialities Dr. Amir” muttering “I guess he was taught by a well-known professor for body issues in postgrad later after I was at Uconn” continuing “umm I guess he was really good with dad in university, he had straight As and is more well experienced with anorexia as a child psychologist from what I remember, he was a researcher before for body oriented issues and was a close friend to dad, he's not as dorky as he is and has a good track record for depression too” shit, shit who cares get me a good one I don't want to tell mom but I just released we need fucking money we need fucking money we don't want to adlib this shit but mom was always good to me and never in my life has she been a dick so its like nearly 3 I need a ride so why not manipulate the narrative “Yeah, yeah, I'll do Dr. Amir but I'm sorry if this is on mental health day but I just need a ride for my club, its a really important thing between Taylor and I and I just need it, we made something and its so important to me” Mom smiles “Oh thats good thats good honey I'll give you a ride and for the record, one last thing, make sure to have good attendance after this therapy I really want to help you do that cause its important” I shrug and say “alright mom” and mom says she loves me while I watch some TV and shit and that’s that. And now it's like 3:30 and what not right? And of course I skipped this portion, rightand now we’re driving in her fucking Volkswagen and shit and she asks me about the club and obviously its like a conspiracy club but its sorta different where you phrase it like “ooh like the JFK assassinations” and like its meant to be fun instead of an actually scam to get money and we still need more people I mean obviously you do so yeah. And finally, sorry for the ramble, here we are I’m at William Hall so I run to Mr. Schwanz class and do the typical stuff and see Taylor and he’s sorta been waiting for a couple minutes by now. And we have Heather and Joel and all these people in the remnants of an abandoned teachers irrelevant class for jocks to fill their GPA in. 5 people in total, not what I expected but you get the effort you put in and I could always do more. Taylor starts off in his classic all-american boy way with “Well, guys great to be seeing you, everyone here. Well this is me Taylor and Vince is in the back” I make a peace sign “and today this will be the discovery club and Vince is gonna be passing out the sign up form, we’re starting out small but there’s room to come. And you all know what this is, so this is obviously not an ordinary club right. This is” He gets out the projector thing on the rolling desk as I whisper “What the fuck dude, thats cool but you said we have no slides” as I turn off the light  he uses the little pointer thing a teacher would typically use to point at a slide saying ‘DISCOVERY CLUB’ “A CLUB FOR A TRUTH THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T TELL YOU ABOUT” he plugged that projector out fast as fuck like not as fast as I made it out to be but still and here’s my little photoshop I sent him on MySpace as a joke its like a sandwich with some specs of plastic and I’m decent at photoshop but like I didn’t want him to use it and frankly I guess I’m glad cause look at that Shyren’s, ever the religious schizo, is impressed, Joels a retard and equally impressed and Heather is I guess yawning what are you gonna do? And he taps me up to go ahead and all and I start presenting “This… these are microplastics in your natural lunch right? And here and here are very, very small doses of a… well a specific type of tranquilizer for HORSES well first this small blob, smallest of them all thats Valium and then this blob this is an anti-depressant and the other is Riatlin. Why would you even think the government would do this” Hayden surprisingly responds pulling the bangs a bit out of his eyes “Well, to keep us controlled and complacent for school? Right?” and I smile with a home run “Exactly! But lets get more into the specifics. Large adult institutions aren’t meant to just keep you in line due to some mindless reason we aren’t fucking eight we know there is actually a more detailed reason, remember our president passed no child behind and we have a secret law I’ll reveal if you keep coming that shows exactly how he used 9/11 to control our schools to do better in a race against other nations!” Many are in aww, Hayden and Heather are the less gullible (he still feel for my stupid psychic thing) but Hayden falls for it still but Heather immediately jumps onto it bored out of her mind “Yeah, yeah. Vince right? So why would Mr. Bush target Connecticut dude? Why Willaim Hall High School? What does 9/11 have to do with this… fucking shit? Do you think anyone cares, I nearly killed myself and barely got anti-depressants dude.” and yes she is a bitch I’ll probably talk with her after class but I’ll bring Taylor up here and he’ll be nice and smug  (he’s making this up) “Uhh oh, well obviously they’re gatekeeping this because they ran out because our American healthcare system is so incompetent we focus on awful, really awful stuff like this instead of our own health. See Heather, life really is just miserable I know how it must feel and this is because presidents, dictators always focus on pet projects instead of you which leads to our next slide” its a slide of Bush as a dictator but in a kinda half-take itself seriously way shows “Our president, and this isn’t about politics or anything, wants to just make Americas education look good on paper so that he can feel good its not that deep but so many school districts put small amounts of everything, food, water all this stuff and we’re one of them thats why we are such a good school and all. But the thing is, do you want to sacrifice your independence in your brain, just to score well on tests. I don’t thats why we’re encouraging all of you to make your own lunch and while you’re at it, we’ll help. It's not that healthy anyways so do it” he smiles in a kinda wholesome-esque way in the end and I’m supposed to roll call discussions as Tay cleared his throat “So yeah, slides over anyone gonna actually talk” he side-eyes me “I-I mean discuss among yourself what we can do to improve our situations we have going on here.” Heather raises her hand “You told us it, make our own lunch and potentially get your ‘help’ right.” she breathes and mutters something about playing along (I guess her dad told her to find a club afterall) as well as the word ‘couple’ with a smile switching to a begrudging attitude “well I got an idea, why not make as much food as possible from cheap food sources that are pure and lack contamination. Like why not rice, and beans stuff to mass produce, I mean, in fact we can just, y’know, why not give it to everyone else so we can have more members, I don’t know. Its pure and all” Will responds “Oh my god, great idea dude, like my family loves rice I think we can help do that” and it seems like that… would be a remarkable pain in the ass of the logistics so I might as well redirect the conversation to “Well rice has arsenic poisoning in large amounts thats why we can’t her eyes” Heather rolls her eyes “Vince, dude, we’re won’t serve large amounts. Anyways why is your hair so long, is that cause you stopped cutting it cause its against the establishment or” she chuckles and exhales out her nose “Well you do you but I’m on board we need better food here!” I still respond “well having long hair is metal as fuck and yeah but I think Taylor needs to approve it first if anything, what you think bud?!” ever the diplomatic doormat Taylor responds “Nice thinking Heather! anyone else? Oh, Joel, my man”  Joel responds “Yeah I think we could like dump our old food in the trash as like a protest but like we can mark it with a sticker” Taylor doesn’t give a shit but acts like he does “Yeah yeah, great idea Joel. Well thats a wrap everyone we’re done and Shyren great work” (Shyren didn’t do shit) I immediately run up to Taylor the first question I ask as we walk back is “Dude haha why’d you make a full slide for me” he smiles at me “dude I didn’t wanna tell you what I had in mind I wanted like a slideshow to adlib everything and though you wouldn’t want that” he gestures his right arm “The reason I kinda wanted to make this a whole dramatic thing is cause you know I like being around you and this is a nice way to hang out, you know. I’ll do a lot for you cause honestly you’re kinda like an anchor for me not to be super shallow and be a dork sometimes” I’m all like “Well, how is this being a dork, I don’t get it and how’d you get a projector” Taylor responds “Dude, I lied I don’t want you to work I… like you, as a friend I mean” side-eyes and gets angry “seriously” I’m kinda pissed  “What the fuck?!” he shrugs and fake punches “dumbass, as a friend, we’ve been friends forever I’m teasing you” and laughs it off. Well, that's just pleasant.

Chapter 2 - 5:01pm, Sep 23

Nothing else really happened afterwards, it was raining on the way home mom drove me as I acted like even less happened but our brown haired Taylor shined with a sliver light of Halloween lights is here and always here and I have a gut disgust, but tolerance. If he wants to live life in certain ways and explore himself he can but I doubt he actually meant, like that, but y’know that awkward and all but we have Tekken now! Taylor brought over Tekken, he brought his own dinner over to not hog my families meals and shit and now, fuck my liiiiife mom told on dad about it, well it was more a whisper at like 4:15pm when we got home. I remember it, mom and dad were hugging each other and decided to make a food schedule that I had to follow and stay up on, they excluded snacks I guess. I mean wouldn’t it be better to have sweet shit to get me to be less “anorexic” allegedly. Taylor is eating his lunchbox in the dining room while dad watches an MTV comedy and rants about the students to us and asking about Taylors day and all and what our little club was that we did and about how conspiracies are kinda dumb a lot of the times but how some of them are right (the ones he likes). And I eat the Alfredo mom made and it was good but way too much as a serving size and it wasn’t much, Taylor is done eating and moves unto the couch a bit happier than usual but he’s always kinda more on the positive side Dad asks "What's got you going all hyper, Taylor?” Taylor is like “I’m not hyper what?” Dad responds “Well carry on” what the hell is going on. I guess I could well, I could just stay here with him. I ate my food and sit down with him but god I’m too close and near my fucking father. I don’t care. We watched TV for like 40 minutes and then we played Tekken 5 upstairs and I think thats all. I main Xiaoyu and we had a best of 10 match with him maining the Panda of all things. After that we biked around the suburb we live by and a nearby culd-de-sac and talk about what's next for the scam. And I go to bed, before I go though mom hugs me and promises “You know I’ll love you no matter what” after 2 hours after she goes to bed I do too without the dex I wanted to use that night. And I turn my lamp off and dream of Amelia saving my sliver haired girl

Chapter 3 - September 25, 2005
I remember when I was 13, I was listening to Marilyn Manson and I just remembered the day I was called a freak and assaulted in middle school and it was just brutal, he threw a full milk box punched me up against a wall, people are irrational especially middle schoolers it was because Taylor was near a guy that was well respected as a jockish guy. Obviously, I want you to know that Taylor is no jock, he has jock adjacent traits but is largely socially fluid and not and asshole but he punched me it was I believe a bit of a knock back then he pushed me up to a wall a bit too hard bumping my head giving me a horrid ringing in my head and a pounding migraine, the only concussion in my life from it. He then punched me in my face thrice and scratched me in my cheek with his nails, I was targeted cause I had long hair and was a dork with the non-approved autonomatron interests. It was brutal. Taylor, well he kinda helped me out by grabbing his arm and pulling him away from me. That's when I knew he was truly passionate about me existing without me… well… truly knowing why.

This is also why I didn't update my little Motorola thing yet and most of this is transcribed to LiveJournal now, lame I know. It's been an aching pain of not being with him due to being odded out only once. Maybe I'll text him. It's been a day now and I ghosted him when he texted me. I was woken up at 8am for a therapy session at 9am its a session in Bloomfield. Dr. Amir, from what I can tell later on from my own vague research. He's some guy that was significantly connected to some professor in Toronto that researched paraphillias and I guess trannies and then branched out into specializing in anorexia and Body Dysmorphia stuff. It's bizarre my father really does know him well as, well yeah, despite his teasing he's pro-gay marriage after all but still I guess I heard good things about him but limited this isn't a library afterall. Mom requires I eat near her and I don't know about it all but I know she kind of means well and I can't really take it should I vomit it all up quietly? What do I do what will happen to me if I do all this. Will my body get worse? I hate that I can’t eat anymore without worrying. I think I kinda hate myself on these days like this, it's just an egg and cheese sandwich. Whatever, I’m already dressed, showered and everything and I talked with mom and dad and whatever. Dad was all like while watching some sports shit cause he’s sports betting and getting his money up from it (respect where its due, especially since it helps me) about how “Well, with all respects Vince, advanced statistics is really important for analyzing hockey and predicting the right outcome, and also Maple Leafs are so going to win against this other team.” He was all talking about Amir as if he was this long last friend, when now I remember him like 2 years ago anyways. He was this arab guy that visited during I believe some time in the fall. I guess he was fine I don’t really like care. The problem is despite having my clothes hang off me so much at 5’6½ I'm only like 105.3lb, far from my 100lb goal I met a while back some days I overeat so mom shuts the fuck up in some cases as obfuscation tactics I've been declining again and proudly and its culturally different in Japan anyways. It doesn't really matter and they always get noceboed that I'm clearly so unhealthy that I sleep so long on the weekends, that I am so much more tired than a year ago. That they see my cheekbones, that I passed out at the track tryouts despite nearly passing them. These are patterns of insignificance they force themself to see to make me a pig and enhance my height and shoulders and whatnot, that dad makes fun of me for but also an overly American view from such a europhillic dad who likely supports like y'know starvation of kulaks as opposed to the cattle slop of fast food. I'm not even a technical diagnosis of anorexic as I know I'm skinny and feel inspired by it, I don't think I'm fat. I just want to wither away I guess, mom was just so passionate that I have to try. But I will still fail and on purpose as with last year.

The ride there was pretty interesting I was listening to some nice instrumental track while mom was driving and it started off with her asking “You eat breakfast” as I got in, now obviously duh this is not the interesting part but when I said yes she said I was doing good and all but she said “Honestly, I love you this all must be hard but if you had to live a dream life what would life you live?” I don’t think she was talking about the alter-ego (its annoying she talks alludes to it) or my future job but I think she was curious about what my dream life was but she was looking downward a bit more at the road, not meeting my eyes and instead at the Hartford potholes. I actually don’t know and I think she’s smart enough to know I don’t fully know. I personally think I would dream about doing art or music if I was good at, well, art or music. I think if my drawings were better of deformed symbolic self-portraits and  my painted “London with a black cat” drawing that Taylor thinks are cool but only got a 3 in at AP Studio Art. My voice is too deep and even a bit gravelly to sing too. I wish it was higher. “Well, I’ve always wanted to be an artist if I was good at anything you know.” It's a nice little smug lie that gets me a little grin. “Well, I’m thankful you want a passion you’re good at” blushing, a bit insulted by the lie from I hide myself “I’m not good at drawing at all, the hell” Mom smiles “You are honey, honest!” I responded appreciating her “Well thanks!” and she drives into the therapist area in the Bloomfield burb, it was a brick place with a few orchid bushes and grass around it. Parking her I car, we walk in with the cobblestone walkway and into that brick small office. In there I sit and wait with mom as 9am ticks. We wait and we wait she goes outside to talk to him to make sure he won’t be late. And Amir comes like 10 minutes later, 5 minutes late. “Sorry about the wait” Amir says to us “Vince can come in now” mom whispers something to him kinda scared and he barely audible enough to me says “ok”  to her with a frown in his voice. I walk in “So why do you call yourself Amir to me instead of your first name like when you come and see us?” he briefly answers bluntly cause he knows me kinda “Sounds easier and I get to say I’m a doctor” he side-eyes to get on topic “Well there what do you think you’re here for?”

I respond “Well mom told me”

Amir responds “Well you could have easily not done it and run away but you chose to do this, right?”

I respond “Well duh beats being homeless, and I mean… well I kinda need it” I say with a chuckle

Amir, pauses with a clipboard and says“Well firstly what do you think you’re here for why did mom and dad and everyone schedule this? What do they want and more importantly what do you want from you?”

I’m all like “Is this a game of 20 questions?”

Amir responds “I already know some of the things we’re looking for, but what do you want to achieve in psychiatry I’ll say?”

I respond “Well I wanna be a better person, and I want to make mom happy and I want to stop hating myself, I guess I would say”

Amir motions his pen “Well why would you hate yourself, the way you look, how you talk? Do you hurt people? You’re not really a monster.”

Well I bluntly reply with a bit of a yell “Good job, the skinny kid with hair all with dogshit bones and a voice that sounds like gravel didn’t murder people or animals, of course!“

Amir says “Well you can change who you want to be uhh Vince. Anything you want, you can take! You can change the fact you’re hairy and skinny, and I was told you want to be skinny based on what I’ve been told, correct?”

I responded, “Well I want to disappear.”

Amir responds “Well, why?”

I respond again “Cause I hate my body obviously catch up”

Amir responds “What body do you want, perhaps more macho?” he smirks to himself a tad bit

I respond “Fuck no, why would any guy wanna be more macho but to fuck chicks?”

Amir responds “Well a lot of people want to be more macho for them, which body do you want?”

I hiss a bit nervously “Well, I guess I want less hair, and thing is, well most guys want to be chicks anyways”

Amir looks annoyed by the topic but smiles “Well, I’m not sure if most men want to be… well women but is this desirable to you?”

I respond “Don’t say it like that, that sounds gay”

Amir smiles “I’m just saying, but problem is, starving doesn’t help you with this it shows off your face and makes you less healthy and makes you less alive as a person. Anyone can eventually be a girl or boy but anorexia will eat up your bones and kidneys to make it impossible”

I finally get it “You studied under a person that specializes in trannies and am saying I’m a tranny right? I don’t care about my bones, catch up”

Amir is saddened “Well thats a blunt way to say it but I’m trying to fish for what to screen in any diagnoses or anything like that I personally hated studying under that professor if you want me to be honest”

And I’m pissed but a bit subtly “Well, I’m not really a tranny lets say, so go ahead”

Amir is given permission and pivots to your speciality “Well is there anything that you hope to gain from losing weight, besides, withering away?”

I respond “Well I hate the way I look and I want less of it its not much else”

Amir responds “If you want you have permission to change it.”

I respond nervously “Well dad kinda teases me for my long hair and all you know, calls me gay and everything I even grew this shit stubble to get him off me”

Amir chuckles back at me “Well, your old father is fine with that, he’s an advocate, he shouldn’t be doing that but I’ll talk with him. He’s probably fine with changing the way you look.”

I smile tentatively “Well, okay that's cool, thanks. But I want to  kinda talk about how people genuinely just feel always just so like they’re puppets. How do I say it, it feels like everyone moves throughout their day in their roles. Maybe mom and my friend Taylor are different but everyone else feels like they’re robots”

Amir frowns a bit “Why would you say that?”

I backtrack a bit of course “Well they clearly have motivations and entire lives obviously and everyone is different but they all act, well selfish, naturally. They look out for themselves and play their own role of being controlled to do a shit job for someone to be rich”

Amir is concerned at this point “And what makes them selfish?”

I continue to go off “Cause they only look to benefit themselves. I remember our schools underpaying our teachers to the point of a teacher breaking down to me and the white suburban moms getting all assmad with that one property tax thing by the time I was very young, I remember hobo dying in front of my eyes cause of how our charity dad worked for cut back spending. Its all to benefit the naturally selfish and everyone goes through their day of mindless productivity to serve nothing and continually survive”  I cry a bit

And clearly Amir understands me but doesn’t ‘get’ what I’m talking about “Well clearly the world is a tough place but is there any way to change it? What we should desire is a way to change what we can control and ignore what we can’t control and you’re worrying way too existentially my friend”

I respond “Well its just naturally more human nature as something I worry about everyone is prop for a big guy above who was born in a place I can’t choose and I’m forced between intellectual and Mcdonalds”

Amir responds happily thinking there’s some progress “That’s a false binary, you’re very smart for your age you can figure this world out without just ‘working at Mcdonalds’ or anything like that and a lot of people need fast food workers anyways. The thing about this world is that everyone plays a part too even if they’re ‘pawns’.”

He looks at his watch “Oh, times up, sorry about that”

I respond “No worries here, I don’t care”

He told my mom this ominous thing “we’ll be screening next week, this is more the introduction to therapy again”

He casually brings up the price to her haha “it’ll only be a 15$ copay for you, half off”.

Overall I kinda feel better not amazing but I guess better but I hardly see much of a motivation to eat but maybe I can eat after shaving off some shit and maybe I can I don’t fucking know try, I guess I’m reassured but not changed. I walk home but do overall guess I need to feel like I should try, to well, develop myself as a person. I’ll try to get on top of the alleged anorexia stuff but I don’t want to its kind of bullshit, I think being skinny has itself a sorta beauty to it even if it sucks socially which is sorta what I care about. Well, it doesn't matter to me much.

I get out of the therapy room and look at a sign while near my Mom secretly reading it “THIS IS WHERE WE ARE” its a whole backstory about him going from a poor Christian in Turkey to a psychiatrist we know today through hard work as well as anecdotes from others' improvements and his credentials. This is in the usual stale room with cushy chairs that smells like its temperature, cold. And we walk out and drive as she says her thanks with a smile. She smiles at me while she’s backing up in her car and says “what you do think? Not so bad” stereotype mom stuff but I respond “Yeah, he’s fine, better than I thought” and we drive home mostly silent and I stare at the outside of the burbs and the fast food joints and mutter to myself “Do I seriously make an impact by doing that stuff besides to fat bitches that drive along the way.” And I go home and all. I haven’t done weed in a bit so I’ll choose some dex for tonight as a little reward I’ll do about like 900mg or something like that congratulations to me. I’m a new and improved man going all plateau 3 and shit. I’m curious and this is miserable, does my mom, well does she think I’m a tranny, what did she whisper and why did she talk about my alter-ego. My alter-ego was always an experiment deep down, me playing around as a chick when I started as seven I super convinced everyone I was Amelia, it was amazing, Taylor was convinced and all my friends mostly girls played along. It was more that I played around as a fake sister or something super smart my non-times tables mind thought up of that magically disappeared and I had to come up for a whole explanation for like adoption and shit when I was 9. Mom was annoyed but saw a crying kid and let me do it until she cut my hair at 9 and I cried after I was sent to a barbershop hiding from my dad and mom in the local Walmart in a store shelf and they spent an hour just looking for me in tears. I really don’t understand why I do the things I do but I was still so mad they cut all my hair. I was still mad I couldn’t steal moms old clothes anymore but I think mom would let me if I asked. Anyways I go in my room and text Taylor about the scam, we are planning on making a fake little protest its just a little photo shoot thing, I’ll visit him and all and go to a coffee shop but not a fancy one (swear to god) but Taylor chooses the local Dunkin’ Donuts thankfully. And I bike to him, and visit him to see his face smiling, he like “Dude you came? Nice! So what you getting like a latte” I look at him “Slow down dude, uhh yeah I’ll get like a latte or something whatevs, uhh we doing the protest” Taylor replies “well I got the camera upstairs and all and we can get the signs on the way at Staples and go near our townhallish place.” He closes the door “How was therapy? I think you texted me about it” I smile lightly “It was fine, nothing special but I’m doing a bit better. Dunno why you care.” Taylor encourages me “Well I care about you man of course I do. Anyways” He walks up stairs as I wait a minute “Well I got the camera and all and you got your bike lets go” he brings his bike from the garage and we start riding “So you have the DS?” asking me curiously though not wanting to get anything of course “Nah not yet” He tells me back “Well, shit my brother has all sorts of these consoles, he has a part time job and I swear he only does it to buy games and anime stuff” I responds numbly “You swear? Anyways what console would you rather own the DS or PS2 if you had to own one for the rest of your life” Taylor responds with one hand on his head “Well the DS has no games, at all I swear” He changes topics “Oh you hear about that one drama between Jane and Sarah they recorded a fight on myspace it was last friday I would have told you if you were here”  I grunt “Well, don’t see anything super special about that. It's like a fight but with girls instead of guys, what were they fighting about?” Taylor gasps “They were fighting over Joel, Joel's kinda good at football and he has those broad shoulders too even if he’s kinda skinny, I can see why”

I respond stoically “Well didn’t he not even get that girl some  guy tricked him into” He responds “Well, he’s a good running back now”

he stops his bike “oh we’re here I want to get a donut too, to be honest”

He orders his donut and we have a little convo “Hey, yeah doing a fake protest is bit early should we like save the photos for the third week or something or are we supposed to put it for the second week”

I lay back and put my legs on the other seat “Either way works we just got to show we aren’t bluffing we’re gonna get more people to join for the second maybe, so we gotta be convincing but third works”

 Taylor responds “Maybe we can compromise, we can like foreshadow that we do it on the second week and then we can we can do the third and make us like default pictures.”

I responded “We gonna do it at the town hall in here or like the ghetto one?”

Taylor smiles “Ehh yeah, we’ll do it in our place. It looks nicer.”

I change topics looking at the roof kinda waiting for this protest convo to end “Oh you ever wonder what happened to Heather?”

 Taylor responds sarcastically “Killed herself”

I say bluntly with a bit of anger “Ok you’re fucking with me!”

Taylor brings up causally “Well I don’t know about Heather really, she’s just this weird chick, she’s kinda like you but like school shooter tier”

I still respond “Well, now I know why she was a prick”

Taylor responds “Well she would be into this type of stuff regardless, y’know conspiracies makes sense right?”

I respond “yeah, I guess”

We get the donut and I get my low-cal coffee and stuff and we go to the Staples down the street and all, its not an incredibly bikeable city after all but we always bike cause it's fun. At staples we had some generic banter about signs that you clearly don’t care about so I’ll skip to the talk riding towards downtown.

Taylor says some drama about Hayden and about his home life it was in the middle of a whole bunch of talk so it wasn't all TMI at once “So yeah his family really yells at him a lot they faked bussing here cause he's in ghetto Hartford instead of here right, his families kinda poor but he's not getting the grades he needs and I think they slapped him once” I'm kinda guilty but I still feel the need to project “why should I care?”

Taylor responds “never really said you should but come to think of it, I mean maybe you should maybe thats why he's emo but I was more like talking about why he's really kinda sad a lot and likes mychem y'know. But I guess I do feel guilty I wasn't really expecting to talk about this though.” I try to joke but it comes off cruel “I mean we can still like… y'know exploit him and maybe better this time” Taylor comes tries to play along with a fake smile “yeah, haha” with him muttering “christ“ under his breath my smile fades “You know I'm kidding we'll reduce his subscription if we get 10 members or just kick him out if he's super poor. This is BS anyways. I got the sign so do you have that camera in your backpack?” Taylor hands it to me “Yep” I carry around my sign and its a lot of work I shake it up and down and march with it kinda in a monotonous way its about the repeal of don't ask don't tell so no one cares too much “get rid of these tests” or a more daring one “stop dosing kids with drugs” ok I guess it is embarrassing… and hypocritical since I do that to myself… whatever. I walk all around different areas of the town hall and Taylor and I switch he looks more confident and embarrassed at the same its a weird admixture he tilts his signs sideways “Fuck Bush” is a bit too political so we scrap that, we want more of an implication and also he carried a different sign its very vague its “Make school lunches better… for our future” this was tough to brainstorm but we got it y'know but I ultimately figured out that I feel a sense of pride from it. Like my imaginary protests make a difference in the world even if its not really a protest over anything real. I guess… this is why my dad likes to do it often. I guess we can understand each other at that level. The frame from the wood silhouette of the paper sign feels off we sit down and have a 7up for each of us or something and overall relax at the side of that town hall in an area where no one can see us. And ultimately we ride back home “DND on 2pm I'm DMing so I need to get ready its 11:40 so eat and we'll wait for the others.” I ride back with him and we talk and all that stuff and I ultimately go have and have my controlled lunch. I can kinda see why I need it but I don't want to be a big bulky hulkman and no one really does either so I don't see the point and I just decide to go up stairs and watch some Pet Semetary cause horror is my think y'know and I hear a knock on the door at like 1, its aggressive and different from Taylor and I look through the peephole… It's Heather?! How is she here? She says “Hey I'm not gonna hurt you but I'm good with I guess geography so I can pinpoint anyone if they post their neighborhood online and you posted a tree in your area with you and Taylor yesterday based on the grass and stuff I found out, sometimes I get paid too so yeah. Also ooh yeah you can just find metadata easy with a basic script kiddie thing” she shrugs in her informal clothing, I'm still annoyed and weirdly impressed “Why're you here?” She moves her black jacket around as I let her in, more curious than anything “I'm bored and wanted to creep you out, I'm surprised you aren't thats kinda the point. Anyways I wanna talk about helping invite more people and also making the club more y'know entertaining more group projects and shit. I only wanna do it to outdo you cause you're kind of, well, you're a retard and you deserve to well ‘hang out’ with Taylor” I snap and facepalm “what does that mean” She replies back “you seem like a couple of umm best friends yeah” she teases but is curious “shut the fuck up” I say back “we have dnd in an hour, need anything else. She grimaces “well I also only have like one friend, well mine is only an acquaintance but I would like to hang out with you y'know but I'm more I guess existential, its what it is you know” she says this all while doing a weird repetitive motion with her hand. So ultimately I let her upstairs to my room “So what do you do here?” She asks “Well I play Tony Hawk and listen to like pretty heavy metal I guess” I respond and in turn she snarks “it smells like weed in here how are you're parents fucking okay with this”

“It does” I reply

“Shit of course it does let me see the computer I want to do some math with it for the scam” she grabs angrily

“I have forums to close out” I say

“Well, like what” she looks embarrassed for me

“Don't look at me like that, its just something awful and some 4chan and well I share rotten.com links to shock people, TMI I know”

She replies “well thank god I know everything besides 4 Chanee or whatever like what is that, is that for losers that wanna sell drugs but not on myspace” she takes the computer anyways

She opens a spreadsheet and a Firefox page, and tries to maximize profit in various dumb ways with assumptions we do blank blank and blank right

“So we need like 20 people for this to work and kick out the poor one in the data I mean then we can sell organic rice balls?” I genuinely ask

“Well thats the plan you got anything else?” Heather asks

“Half the people don't know what organic means here”

Heather replies “thats why you lie about them being organic and sell them at organic prices, duhh its free of like chemicals and everything like that”

“Ahh, I see. Can I see the spreadsheet” its not super filled

“I was mostly just reading comics” Heather notes back

“Ahh”

“So we just play like Guilty Gear or something Taylor stole from  his brother”

“A fighting game huh” she mutters as I turn on and main Bridget and she mains Sol from the old CRT TV popping out

“Why did he steal that game just to give to you, he does a lot for you, ya know?” She monotonously notes

“He always steals shit from his brother only thing he has from his job is just games” I reply

“And little does he know he can just play one or two games for a while and pirate what you can in the meanwhile”

“I… well I don't do that” I reply

“You really should and you wouldn't need to do this, well do it right. You know what my friend knows a guy in a club that can vouch for you, its the occult club but you making it paid is stupid.” she responds, and nearly beats me despite being new and my month of playing this game under my main.

“But yeah I'll send some guys to join the secret club but you can have others advertise it, hand out flyers”

“Welp, glad I helped look at the small accounts receivable sections and food costs.”

And after some time she gets going. And we have DND. I am the DM here. I have the power, I have all the rules and so on and have a couple nerds at my disposal that will clearly be our side characters as we just need someone right. Like you need some nerd just because you need a nerd like you when doing dnd. Last time I actually did anything other than DM was me playing a female Rouge “Voleuse” and so we have over the acquaintance from way in the beginning. Remember him his name is Patrick yeah and Alex we have him over too. The whole campaign was just going on a quest to stop an invasion of some type of Zahara Dominion religious cult of some sorts and battling out people to save a nearby invaded city. However, its actually pretty important here as a line I think a certain moment may actually make it easier to advance the scam. It was 3:09pm and we rolled a D20 for persuasion check of some sorts and it reminds me, persuasion is a thing that branches wide not far as we tried to persuade multiple enemies not to fight and caused an internal war among the enemies due to a high charisma modifier but it was just one failed roll but then it became one out of 2 successful rolls. This means our scam should branch through wider means. Genius.  I ignored this but told Taylor at our 5 minute long rest break and he totally agreed “we could have posters for our club make it free and then make it totally optional to pay monthly” he takes from this which I disagreed with “maybe we could just do the posters first and then make it like I don't know something stupid like a free trial” I respond, Taylor responding “I guess that makes sense too” I justify “We can say its for ‘in-group selection' or anything like that” and later we finish off at 4:30pm and they all get going. I stay with Taylor a bit