What If World - 179 - What is Wiz (with Abacus).docx

Podcast: What If World

Episode: 179: What Is Wiz (With Abacus)

File Length: 11:38

Transcription by Keffy

[Rising harp scales followed by the What If World theme song.]

Lyrics: What if kittens played the glockenspiel? And what if unicorns were real? What if you could fly or travel back in time, we welcome you to What If World. What If World. This is What If World.

Abacus: Greetings and welcome to What Is Wiz, the show where I, Abacus P. Grumbler use your question and my own to interview real life people from What Is World. This is a little sneak peek as we interview Mr. Eric, himself.

Mr. Eric: Oh, thank you for having me, Abacus.

Abacus: I haven’t introduced you, yet!

Mr. Eric: You just said my name.

Abacus: Yes, but I didn’t say it in an introduction kind of way.

Mr. Eric: What’s that gonna sound like?

Abacus: Pretend you didn’t hear that. I would edit it out but I don’t know how.

JF Kat: I’m just gonna hop in here and give a meow out to Alexa.

Abacus: Thank you, JF Kat for showing some decorum, unlike someone.

JF Kat: Alexa is seven and a half from Iowa City. Her brother Blake is ten and she wanted to give a shout out to Spike, though I don’t know who that is.

Abacus: Well said, well said.

JF Kat: Then there’s Maya Lily Bornstein. She’s nine years old and she loves cats.

Fred: And I got a shout out for Vada B. She’s six years old, likes make believe and smoothies, and her three year old brother Angel. And they live in El Cerrito, California.

Then there’s Iris, age seven, who’s an official friend of the fairies.

Abacus: Oh, good for you, Iris.

Fred: And finally, Jones and Everly Jenkins. Jones is five, Everly’s three, and they’re from Nashville, Tennessee.

Abacus: I’ve never heard of the place. Sounds quite mystical. And now that we’ve heard our lovely shout outs, let us read our write-in question from Aurora, who asks, what if Mr. Eric did a Q&A and Abacus P. Grumbler ruined it?

Ruined it! The very idea.

Mr. Eric: Oh, I’m sure you’ll do great, Abacus.

Abacus: That’s enough out of you.

Mr. Eric: Don’t you think maybe you should introduce me, now?

[Chimes]

Abacus: All right, listeners, I give to you Mr. Eric, host of some show that isn’t What Is Wiz.

Mr. Eric: Uh, hi, Abacus. Yes. It’s nice to be here.

Abacus: All right, our first question for you is from Lenna H. that’s Aurora’s little sister. She’s four years old and she asks, “Why did Mr. Eric start this podcast?”

Mr. Eric: Thank you Lenna. So, I got started making What If World because I enjoyed telling stories to my nephew, who lived all the way across the story, and Ms. Karen thought they were pretty fun stories so she helped me get the show started.

Abacus: And I bet Lenna also wanted to know why Abacus wasn’t in the very first episode?

Mr. Eric: Well, naturally, I wanted my first story to feature three different pirate characters because that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Abacus: If you didn’t catch that, it seems like he’s reconsidering. Maybe he’ll put my episode first, now.

Mr. Eric: I—I didn’t say that.

Abacus: Our next question comes from Arthur, who asks, how big What If World is?

Mr. Eric: You know, What If World gets a little bit bigger every day, because every time we get a new question, it meanst there’s another kid out there imagining a story all of their own.

Abacus: So if I were to ask, what if Mr. Eric turned into a helium balloon? Then somewhere, someone would be imagining that story, even if it weren’t on the show?

Mr. Eric: [Muffled] Abacus, in your case? I think your What If Questions might be a little dangerous because of your magic.

Abacus: What’s that? I can’t hear you. You sound like a balloon.

Mr. Eric: Yeah, that’s because I am. Please turn me back.

Abacus: Well, let me get these headphones settled on your balloon head.

Mr. Eric: Oh, uh, thank you.

Abacus: And tie your balloon legs to the chair so you don’t float away.

Mr. Eric: Uh, that’s very thoughtful.

Abacus: And then turn you back into a human.

[Whoooo POP!]

Mr. Eric: Ooh, my legs are still tied to the chair. Abacus, could you—a little help?

Abacus: I think I should keep the magic to a minimum, Mr. Eric. I don’t want to ruin the Q&A after all.

Mr. Eric: Okay, I’ll just… I’ll just untie them myself.

[Mr. Eric struggles and grunts in the background]

Abacus: Good luck with that. Our next question comes from Eleanor, who would like to know what you really like and what is your favorite thing to eat and what is your baby’s name?

Mr. Eric: Whoo. Well, I really like not having my legs tied around a chair.

Abacus: Strange, I find it invigorating.

Mr. Eric: But Eleanor, I grew up really loving baseball and practicing karate and reading lots and lots of books. And going on hikes and playing board games and role playing game.

Abacus: That’s a lot of things for a person to like.

Mr. Eric: I think it’s healthy to like a lot of things.

Abacus: It’s not healthy to like drinking lava.

Mr. Eric: Yeah, you’re right.

Abacus: Oh, remember, what do you like to eat and—

Mr. Eric: Oh, yes yes. Well, my absolute favorite dessert-type treat in the whole world is baklava. My neighbor used to make the greatest baklava. I’ve only found one place that makes baklava that I think is as good as she made it. Oh, and then, my baby’s name is Callum. C-A-L-L-U-M.

Abacus: Well done, Mr. Eric. I will conjure you one of these baklavians as a reward.

Mr. Eric: It’s actually baklava, it’s like phyllo dough and almond bits and honey…

Abacus: Baklavian, I summon thee to make Mr. Eric extra happy! [Thunder crashes]

Baklavian: Oh, what. Ugh.

Mr. Eric: Well, it kind of looks like if baklava were three feet tall and was drooling honey everywhere.

Baklavian: [Mumbles incoherently]

Mr. Eric: I’m sorry Baklavian, I don’t understand your language.

Abacus: Oh, they’re saying that their favorite treat is Mr. Erics. What a wild coincidence!

Baklavian: [Incoherent mumbling]

Mr. Eric: I just had a feeling I was gonna get eaten today.

Baklavian: [Incoherent mumbling]

Mr. Eric: [Crying]

Baklavian: [Continues incoherent mumbling in the background]

Abacus: Thank you, Mr. Eric, for taking the microphone with you while you flee for your life. Now, Eleanor’s sister, Harper wanted to know if Mr. Eric knows any spells?

Mr. Eric: I don’t know any spells, I’m not magic. But you are, Abacus. So you could just dispel this Baklavian, right?

Abacus: You think I can just dispel a person? Dispel a mountain? Dispel a carnivorous creature I summoned accidentally from another dimension?

Mr. Eric: I was hoping, maybe, yes.

Abacus: Well, I cannot. But we’ve got another question from Anna Stretku, your very own What If World artist.

Baklavian: [Incoherent mumbling and nomming noises]

Mr. Eric: Oh, it’s trying to eat my leg.

Abacus: Anna asks, “If you could have one superpower for a day, what would it be?”

Mr. Eric: Well, if it’s just one day, I think I’d want it to be today, and I’d want it to be teleportation so I could not have a Baklavian trying to eat my leg.

Baklavian: [Muttering]

Abacus: They say you’re not making it any easier by squirming.

Mr. Eric: [Sighs] Fine.

Baklavian: [Mumbling]

Abacus: They say, much better, thank you.

Mr. Eric: Abacus, you owe me a new pair of pants, you realize.

Abacus: Wizards don’t wear pants.

Mr. Eric: Uhhh….

Abacus: We wear robes.

Mr. Eric: Okay.

Abacus: And finally we have a question from Leo and Mabel, who want to know if Mr. Eric will give Abacus a $500 loan for a magic book.

Mr. Eric: Abacus, you shouldn’t be making up other people’s questions!

Abacus: I didn’t. They wrote it on Instagram and it downloaded straight to my wand.

Mr. Eric: Your wand has Instagram?

Abacus: Well sort of, but I can only post from my phone.

Mr. Eric: Well, Leo and Mabel, thank you very much for that question. Now, Abacus, can you tell me about this book that’s going to cost my family a month’s worth of groceries?

Abacus: A month’s worth of groceries is a small price to pay for this magical book. You see, someone took pictures of cats jumping off of things of various heights.

Mr. Eric: Yeah…

Abacus: And that’s it! That’s the book.

Mr. Eric: I thought you said it was a magic book.

Abacus: Well, yes. When you turn the pages, you can see the cats falling and landing on their feet.

Mr. Eric: So this book is like a collection of YouTube videos?

Abacus: Why do you want to go tubing at a time like this?

Mr. Eric: So you know what Instagram is, but not YouTube?

Abacus: Oh, your tube, my tube. Either way, you’re still going to have a Baklavian gnawing on your leg.

Mr. Eric: Okay, if I let you buy this book will you send the Baklavian back to their dimension of carnivorous pastries?

Abacus: Intubadibly. Little tubing joke, since you’re so obsessed with tubing, apparently.

Baklavian: [Mutters crankily]

Mr. Eric: Okay, fine. Just please get this thing off my leg.

Abacus: Abra baklavabadabra!

Baklavian: [Mutters while going off into the distance]

Abacus: Oh, that’s so sweet. They said that you were the best Mr. Eric they’ve had since they were a kid.

Mr. Eric: I don’t want to think about that right now.

Abacus: Well, thank you, Mr. Eric, for buying me a magical cat book.

Mr. Eric: Well, it is a loan. That’s what Leo and Mabel said.

Abacus: And I shall repay you 1/1000th of a cent per day, rain or shine.

Mr. Eric: Can you at least conjure us some groceries, then?

Abacus: I’ll conjure you the best kind of groceries you can imagine.

Mr. Eric: I don’t like where this is going.

Abacus: Abaklavadabra! [Laughing]

Baklavians: [Muttering loudly]

Mr. Eric: Well, this went about as well as I could expect.

Abacus: I agree. It’s been a smashing success.

[Chimes and Baklavians muttering]

Abacus: Folks at home, I hope you enjoyed this first episode of What Is Wiz. I’d like to thank Karen O’Keeffe for helping Mr. Eric start What If World.

Mr. Eric: And for producing the first episode of What Is Wiz.

Abacus: As well as Craig Martinson for our theme song.

Mr. Eric: And all you kids at home, who know that—

Baklavians: [LOUD MUMBLING]

Mr. Eric: Oh, not again, no!

Abacus: Who know that we can learn so much about our friends just by asking.

Mr. Eric: Abacus, do something!

Baklavians: [Nomming noises]

Abacus: You’re right, Mr. Eric. Someone’s got to end the show.

Mr. Eric: That’s not what I meant!

Baklavians: [Muttering and nomming loudly]

Abacus: Until we meet again. Ooh, someone should probably help him. Maybe if I summon more Baklavians to get these ones in line. Yes, yes, that could work.

Mr. Eric: [Muffled] That’s not gonna work!

Abacus: Until we meet again, keep wondering, yes. Oh.

Baklavians: [Muttering]

[What If World theme song plays.]