[Intro music plays]
Hello listeners and welcome back to the only show that’s always there exactly when you need it and never when you want it, Ophiuchus Radio. I’m your favourite host, Coconut Silver and with me as always is Blue-
[Cut off by door creak noise]
Hey! Where are you going?
[Away from mic] Oh is it my turn?
Just about.
[Footsteps coming closer, chair wheels rolling]
It seemed like you were going to do a long intro there so I thought I had time to go get a snack.
So you thought that in the time it took me to introduce the show, myself, and pass the intros over to you, you could stand up, leave our broadcast booth, walk down the hall, make a snack in the kitchen, bring it back here, and sit back down before I was done talking?
… I thought I could whip up some carbonated grape espresso too.
And you were just going to sit at your mic.. .and consume all that… while we are broadcasting?
In my defense I thought I could do it without you noticing.
[Coco’s anger increases as she speaks] Which part? Leave and come back while we are both on air or EAT AND DRINK at your mic...WHILE WE ARE BOTH ON AIR?
...Yes.
Sometimes, it’s hard to remember why we’re friends.
Because you can’t afford the rent by yourself and it takes two to banter.
Ah. Right.
So Coco, who are we hearing from tonight?
Well Blue, I think you’re going to like this.
[Slurps drink] Really?
Yes, rea- Hey how did you get that in here? I thought I stopped you before you went to the kitchen.
Ah Coco. Coco, Coco, Coco, Coco. Sweet naive Coco. [Starts laughing as they speak] You think I don’t have a back-up drink cooler in our studio?
I sold your back up cooler on Daintree Marketplace.
[Still laughing] You think I only have one back-up cooler?
But- What- Where?
I’ll never tell. However you will tell me what that file you have open over there is.
[Sarcastic] Well since you asked so nicely, I have a bit of an update about that cargo ship crew from a few days ago.
[A chair squeaks]
Ohhh, like how the cargo inspection went.
They finished the cargo inspection right?
Well…
Mother of tax exemptions!
Let's start with a recap for those who are just tuning in today.
Yes, let’s.
Alright, so my girl Petra? She’s never found a job she couldn’t get fired from. Remember how I told you it’s impossible to get fired from Bezomart?
Oh yeah, you worked there for a while, didn’t you?
Unfortunately.
Didn’t you tell a customer to go take a moonwalk without a spacesuit once?
He deserved it. He cut in line, started a fight with the customer he cut in front of, then tried to flirt with me!
And filled your pockets regularly with items from the “return to vendor” box.
It’s stupid! They’re just gonna destroy the products anyway. I deserved it.
And hacked into the scheduling system and gave everyone except upper management the day off with pay on the busiest Frost Pig Day of the decade?
[With pride] Yes, I did.
No excuses for that one?
Do I really need one? Frost Pig is pointless. They raise the prices a few weeks beforehand just so they can lower them again and make a big deal out of the imaginary “savings”. Then everyone eats it up and causes stampedes for what? 5% off hologoggles?
It practically exists to punish retail workers. Then they have to clean up the mess after and reset everything in time for the regular Sixth day rush.
It’s cruel.
So… Petra.
Right anyway, Petra has in fact been fired from Bezomart… twice.
Woah, she must have done something awful.
You would think, but nah. First time was for repeatedly falling asleep at the help counter while there was a line. The second time was for something um, it says here “contraband canine behalf nutritional embezzlement”? No idea what that means.
Oh! I know that one! It means she took product off the shelf to feed to a dog that shouldn’t have been allowed in the store.
And that happens often enough for them to have a specific name for it?
It’s actually one of the more commonly cited fireable offenses for Bezocorp. Right up there with “unauthorized mental self-alteration within company-possessed space”.
Sorry, what?
Getting high or drunk on company property.
Wait but- doesn’t company property include worker dorms?
Yep. I think it’s an insurance thing.
Right because if there’s one company that can’t afford higher insurance premiums, it’s Bezocorp.
Ugh.
Anyways, our sharp eared listeners will remember we caught up with Petra shortly after she inherited a fully paid off transport ship from her late Aunt Orla.
She meant to cancel all the pending orders so she and her childhood bestie June could take the ship for a little test drive but not long after they broke the atmosphere, they realized there was an order she had missed. Some NewGen products, needing to be couriered from Trivium to Invelor.
Seemed simple enough until-
Until they forgot to do a cargo inspection!
Yes, they forgot to do a cargo inspection and as a result, unintentionally picked up a stowaway. When asked what to do, Petra saw an opportunity to step up and accept her new role as the captain of her vessel-
And promptly ran away to have a quiet breakdown in the crew barracks.
Harsh.
I’m just telling our audience the facts.
Well, yes, she maybe didn’t handle that as well as she could have. Instead she hid in Orla's old quarters and… organized her thoughts. Which is where we left off.
So you’re telling me Petra has written another captain's log for us.
Not quite.
Excuse me? Do not give me hope and yank it away so soon.
Well you see, Petra isn’t the only one on that ship keeping a log anymore.
Ahem.
Journal Of Crew Member Rhett.
What in Primore’s eye, is a Rhett?
The stowaway.
He’s a crew member now????
Hush hush I’m getting to that. Now, where was I?
[Clears throat]
Journal Of Crew Member Rhett
Log Entry 1
[Background noises of Petra’s ship. Low whirring, slow wood creaking and quiet beeping. Coco’s voice drops to a deeper tone as she reads the log.]
It’s been a weird few days.
When I first hid on that skid of boxes I had a plan. Part of a plan, but that plan hinged on me ending up on a large transport vessel. The type with a large staff where I could slip out and slip away unnoticed as soon as we landed.
Ending up on a run-down ship with a crew of 2, now 3, was not part of my plan. Not that I think it was part of theirs either.
After the two women found me they argued for a while, then the taller one walked away, leaving the shorter woman and I by ourselves.
She was… unsettling. Eventually she started to leave and waved for me to follow her into a small kitchen.
[Sound of cabinet opening and closing.]
She was still glaring at me as she handed me a can of pop and slumped into one of the chairs.
[Crack and hiss of a pop can opening. A chair squeaks]
I muttered my thanks and sat down opposite her but she didn’t look at me for a long time after that. She just glared at the kitchen cabinets like they had insulted her or something. To be fair, they were pretty ugly.
I needed a new plan, but escape routes were looking limited. I needed more information. Maybe an escape pod? But with the state of this old ship I would be surprised if they even had them.
Eventually the short woman broke the silence. "I'm June" she said without looking at me, "the other girl you saw is Petra."
I gave her my name. Not much they can do with just my first name, I figured. "So do you two have a captain you need to check in with or something?” I asked. ”Is that where Petra went?"
"No," she answered with ice in her voice. She seemed to think for a moment before continuing, "Petra is the captain."
The whole situation seemed so ridiculous I had to laugh. Ha! This caused June to snap her head towards me with a dagger sharp glare.
This was the first time I started to realize what a strange situation I was in. I looked down at my pop and kept my mouth shut.
[Pop fizzes]
June went back to glaring at the cabinets as if she were disappointed in their job performance, and the silence dragged on for what felt like eons.
[Footsteps approaching]
Eventually Petra entered the kitchen. She looked… disheveled. She didn't make eye contact, instead her eyes seemed to dart around looking at every part of the kitchen except us, as she dragged a hand through her curly hair.
"What are we doing, Petra?" June asked.
So that wasn’t a joke then, Petra is the captain.
She looked at me as if she forgot I was there, stammered for a moment, and then, with an awkward grin said, “You’re hired?”
I almost started laughing again, but before I had even fully processed the words, there was a crash, as June stood up from her chair so fast it toppled over on the floor behind her.
[Chair clatters to the ground.]
“Petra, can I speak to you in private?” She asked in a way that made it clear the request wasn’t optional.
[Two sets of footsteps leave.]
So I was left to sit in the kitchen for another prolonged silence. This time in solitude, as they argued about me in another room. Their muffled voices carried through the wall but I couldn’t make out what was being said.
I could plan around this. They weren’t sending me away or turning me in. This buys me some time. When they came back, June smiled at me with the most forced smile I have ever seen in my life and said “Follow me, we have work for you.”
The first order of business was…
[Background noises of Petra’s ship cuts. Coco’s voice returns to it’s normal tone]
Blue I think you’re gonna like this.
[Gasps] Wait, do you mean…
Yes I do.
Oh my Vald.
[Ship noises return, Coco’s voice drops]
The first order of business was a-
[Ship noises cuts]
[Excited] CARGO INSPECTION!
[Sounds of a crowd cheering and clapping and an air horn going off in celebration.]
[Calmly, in her usual voice] Cargo inspection.
[Ship noises return. Coco’s voice drops]
If things seemed fishy already they only got more bizarre from there. I recognized the cargo being transported as a medication my, uh, former roommate takes.
[Indignant] Or would take if the pharmacy hadn't been out of it for weeks. Yet, here it was. Crates of the stuff. It had just been sitting in a warehouse less than 10 kilometers from us, the entire time.
I was furious. How could this be? How long was it here? Why wasn't it distributed to the pharmacies?
[Calmly] So I stopped counting boxes and went to the log screen. I wanted to know where this stuff was going.
[Mid-pitched beeping]
A warehouse on Invelor. Just another warehouse. Like the one I broke into to hide in this cargo. Why? What good will it do anyone there?
I ripped open one of the boxes to check something on one of the bottles. I picked another one up, then another. Then I went to a different skid and ripped open a crate to look at another. I kept going until finally, I opened the last box.
There were dozens of different products ranging from simple mood stabilizers to life saving medications. Every single one of them was going to expire within the next month and we were just taking it to some warehouse for that to happen!
Why would someone do this? I walked over to the shipping label and noticed something I hadn't before. A little corner sticking out behind it. I ripped it off to reveal another label which had another label behind it and another behind that and three more after that.
Not only had this medication just been sitting in the other warehouse for weeks, before that it was sitting in another warehouse, and another one before that and here we were, just taking it to its final destination to expire and be destroyed.
No way.
You have to understand, I couldn’t let that happen.
I started to formulate a plan.
[A pause as ship noises fade out]
A plan?
[Normal tone] A plan. The man has a plan.
So, what’s the plan?
I think the plan is to do the horoscopes now.
You’re kidding me.
You know I don’t kid. [Snapping fingers twice] Let's get to it!
[Celestial music begins]
[Muttering] Can’t believe you’re making me do this right now.
[Normal volume] Okay listeners, prepare yourselves, here, are the horoscopes.
Aries: The stars will, reluctantly, defer to your knowledge this week.
Write your own horoscope, dweeb.
Haha gottem.
Ahem.
Taurus: York Prime's tea is in season. Go grab a cup.
Gemini: Try staring directly in the camera that is absolutely not there.
Cancer: A hot bath sounds like a good plan.
Leo: The stars think it's time to pick up those new bike parts.
Virgo: You should meet up with your Aries friend this week. They're worried about you. They haven't heard from you in a while. You should check in.
Libra: The stars bet they could beat you at Jenga.
Scorpio: That Aquarius friend really likes the candle you got them. Good job.
Sagittarius: Please help me fix the coffee machine.
Good credits stop. They aren’t going to. Just buy a new one.
[Pouty] But that would be the third new one this month.
Then stop putting vegetable soup stock where the grinds go.
No respect for art around here!
[Clears throat]
Capricorn: The rock goblins on Q8-56 are the fluffiest. You should go pet those rock spikes they have.
Aquarius: Beep boop wrrrr brrrrpp [blends seamlessly into dial tone sounds]
[Clears throat]
Pisces: You should sleep more. It's not good for your health to be worrying so much.
[Celestial music fades out]
Ok back to my story now.
Continue away.
[Ship noises return. Coco’s voice drops]
I had a contact I thought could help us out with this. It was just a matter of convincing the other two.
We talked on the bridge. Though it looked less like a bridge than it did a hodge podge collage of buttons, dials, and monitors from all walks of ship makes and models. I grimaced a bit realizing this was all that stood between me and the vast, cold, emptiness of space.
I noticed a large red button under a clear plastic lid and reached for it out of curiosity. June batted my hand away and glared at me, snapping me back to the task at hand.
Once I told them about my contact and explained my plan, Petra shocked me. She was on board immediately. I expected her to be easier to convince than June but… not that easy.
June was not so easily convinced but, we outnumbered her so there wasn’t much she could do. I got the sense she wasn’t used to losing arguments to Petra. They seem like they have a history.
To be clear here, my plan was flawless. There was no reason for anything to go wrong.
While June sulked in the kitchen, well, she said she was making food for everyone but I’m pretty sure she was sulking, Petra and I started the first part of the plan: removing the “product” and repackaging all the empty crates so they didn’t look empty. Since all the boxes were on hover skids and pills are fairly light anyways there was no reason for anyone to notice the weight discrepancy.
Like I said. Flawless plan. Flawless.
We delivered the shipment first. No reason to be late and draw attention to ourselves. Once everything was off the ship it was up to Petra to dot the i’s and cross the t’s with the warehouse manager so June and I got back on the ship.
This is when June cornered me and well, I’m just gonna type out that whole conversation.
[Ship noises stop. Coco’s voice returns]
Oooh Rhett put a little transcript here of his convo with June, wanna read it?
Oh creds yeah! Send it over!
[Message tone]
Ok you be June and I’ll be-
[A comms ringtone rings repeatedly]
Ooh a listener call in? It’s been a while since someone managed to track down that number. Should we take it?
Since when do you answer call-ins?
Oh, I don’t know. I have to be in the right mood. Let’s take it.
Fine.
[A quick beep cuts off the ringtone]
Greetings listener, you’ve reached the Ophiuchus Radio Cold Line. What can we advise you on today?
[The Caller’s voice is muffled and slightly distorted as if coming through speakerphone]
Oh, wow! I can’t believe I actually got through. [to hosts] Alright so, fairly new listener and first time caller, I wanted to ask about-
Ah hello Fifi! Great to hear from you!
Hey wait, I never said my name was-
So Fifi, what can we help you with today?
Well, I wanted to ask abou-
Hold that thought Fifi, my dude. Blue and I were kind of in the middle of something here. Maybe you can help us out.
No, I don’t think that’s a good ide-
It’ll just take a minute. I just don’t think it’s fair to our listeners, or me, to derail our story here.
But I called in to ask for-
We were just about to act out a little skit. Why don’t you take the role of Rhett for us?
What a great idea, Coco!
What are you talking abo-
Perfect! you already know your lines! I’ll just message you the script real quick, though.
But I don’t want to-
[CALLER’s notification sound goes off through the phone line]
[Confused] How did you get my number? Wait. How did you make it look like this message came from my mother?
Worry about it.
Look Fifi, if you just do this for us, we promise we’ll answer your question after, ok?
[Loud sigh] Fine.
Great. and action.
[Background ship noises return]
Let me just make one thing clear here.
Excuse me?
I don’t know who you are or what you’re trying to pull but I don’t trust you.
Ok…?
Whatever you are trying to pull here, whatever you’re trying to scam Petra into, I am going to stop you.
Look, I mean this in the most genuine way possible June, what in the entire Valdivian are you talking about?
Well Rhett, if that is even your name-
It is.
Shut up. I don’t trust you ok.
You said that.
You think you can just show up and hijack our ship, going around, trying to touch big red buttons and- and- and- trick us into, what? Becoming some kind of intergalactic pirates?
Oh no, become a really cool sounding thing? Wow, that sounds awful.
You may have fooled Petra but you aren’t fooling me. I’ll be watching you.
Yeah, you do that.
[Background noises stop]
And scene. Great work everybody.
Alright so anyways the thing I wanted to ask about was-
Thanks so much for your help Fifi, bye!
Wait but- [A beep ends the call]
You’re muting the ringer now right?
Of course, and re-encrypting the access number. Now where were we?
I’m starting to get the sense that June might have some issues.
Yeah but who has time to unpack all that.
Is that you speaking or Rhett?
Me, but I think Rhett would agree.
So what happened after that?
[Ship noises return. Coco’s voice drops]
I probably shouldn’t have goaded her like that. She was being so Dain dramatic though. Tricking them into becoming pirates? It’s one job and I don’t care what we do after it. You’d think she’d never watched a stream illegally before. It’s not that big a deal.
After that, the next step was to meet my contact. Which is a really fancy way of saying: A guy I used to buy Testerone from. Before I moved to Trivium. Fen is his name.
Now, I would like to stress again. My plan was flawless. Nothing that went wrong was the fault of the plan. The plan was sound.
I used an encrypted messaging program to contact Fen and give him the details on what we had, to see if it was something he could use. He messaged back coordinates and a time to rendezvous with one of his shuttles. Simple.
We got there right on time. The middle of empty space. Far enough from the nearest planet that it was indistinguishable from the stars around us. I stood up on the observation deck and shivered, suddenly feeling very small.
The space was too empty though. No shuttle in sight. We waited and waited, apprehension and anxiety growing in tandem among the three of us.
Finally, a ship approached us. Not a large ship but certainly no shuttle. Briefly I was struck with fear that these coordinates were not as private as I had hoped when the notification sound went off on my watch.
[A quick beeping]
It was Fen.
“I’m right in front of you. Deploy your docking arm and we’ll do the transfer.”
June hesitated. She didn’t want to connect the ships until we had proof we were going to be paid. Fen and I go way back, though. I trust Fen. I knew he wouldn’t betray us so I assured her that if we wanted to make this deal we would have to follow his instructions.
So June went to the bridge to handle deploying the docking arm and Petra and I went to the cargo hold to watch the ships connect and meet Fen.
Our ship jolted as it docked to the other ship and the arms slowly connected.
[Low quiet mechanical whirring]
This was a good plan. A solid plan.
[Whirring continues and ends with a low squeak and clack]
Petra and I stood side by side as the gates creaked open, revealing a figure in the unmistakable blue uniform, sunglasses, and self-righteous smirk of a galactic enforcement officer walking across the tunnel towards us.
That. Wasn’t. Fen.
I reacted first. While Petra stood in confusion I leapt over to the manual docking controls and began trying to get the gate closed again. I yelled at Petra “June ship needs to get this moving now”.
“Good luck with that, kids.” The man, now just outside our ship, said. “Like we haven’t already collected all the info we need on you.”
No time to worry about that, I finished closing the interior gate and slammed the “Emergency Disconnect” button.
[Plastic squeaking, quick whir and a clack. A low alarms sound starts intermittently in the background and continue throughout]
Once I was sure the docks weren’t connected anymore I ran to the bridge.
[Hurried footsteps echo]
June had got us moving but it wasn’t fast enough.
We had a few seconds of a headstart while the other ship retracted their docking arm but it wasn’t enough. Their ship was newer and didn’t look like it was cobbled together with spare parts and it was gaining on us.
“Hit the red button!” I told June.
“But I don’t know what it does!” She yelled back.
“It’s a red button next to navigational controls. What do you think it does? And more importantly what do we have to lose right now?” I argued.
June looked like she wanted to fight about it more, but while I had her distracted, Petra reached over June’s shoulder and pushed it herself.
[Alarms stop as the low sound of a engine increases quickly and burns before fading out]
It felt like my stomach lurched into my lungs as the ship suddenly zipped into motion leaving the other one far far behind.
The turbo effect only lasted a few seconds and then petered out but whatever it was, it was enough. The other ship was nowhere to be seen. We had other issues though.
Our getaway had been at the cost of the ship and we were going to need repairs soon.
Petra says she and June have a friend on Trivium who can fix the ship for us and will look the other way. I feel antsy about going right back where I started but I guess if they trust them so do I. It’s not like I have any other real options right now.
[Ship sounds fade]
Wow.
Right?
I can’t believe this.
Yeah, I mean I have so many questions-
They didn’t even finish the cargo inspection!
[Outro theme plays and is quickly cut]
Wait, who was that caller anyway?
I dunno but what a weird dude. He didn’t even know about caller ID.
Or identity masking. “How did you make it look like it came from my mom?” What a technidiot.
I wonder how he got our number…
Ah well, I’m sure we’ll never hear from him again.
[Outro theme plays]
Thank you for listening to Ophiuchus Radio.
This show is created by Gwen Jeronimo, Aspen Steeves, and Lisel Christiansen.
Today’s episode, Man With a Plan, was written by Aspen Steeves and performed by Gwen Jeronimo as Bluejay Midnight, Aspen Steeves as Coconut Silver and Lisel Christiansen as The Caller.
Original music was composed and performed by Tamara Steeves.
To get more information or find a transcript of this episode, visit our website, ophiuchusradio.uwu.ai
Follow the show @ophiuchusradio on twitter and even tumblr too or shoot us an email at ophiuchusradio@gmail.com.
Happy Temporal Assignment.