My good countryfolk,

It is with great sorrow that I announce the permanent retirement of the great playwright Williwas Quiverlance, Esq.  His genius was sadly underappreciated by our contemporaries, and I lament the fall of one with such command of the written word and actors alike.

It will likely be many years before another of such prowess rises to fame, so in the meantime our zombified actors have sought out other lines of work and the critics will have to find another poor writer to ruin.

Goodnight, sweet prince Quiverlance, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Alas, I must now fill his shoes… The world shall be MY stage!

Most sincerely,

Williwouldbe Tremblepike

Understudy to the playwright


My dear audience,

It seems that my productions have not been as well-received as I deserve.  Just look at this blasphemous review our latest production unfairly received:

“Quiverlance’s MacDeath is an ambitious flop.  It is clear that the playwright had lofty goals and sought to express the woes of love and corrupt power, but this only manifested itself in an overly complicated plot acted out by players whose skills leave much to be desired.

“The first act is a tangled mess of scenes, and I am still unsure why there needed to be three witches.  Plus, the monologue in scene seven is simply - hey! Wait! No - don’t eat me! Help! AHHHHH!”


Originally published in The Pashington Wost on October 10th, 1606”

This person is clearly a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality* - I demand that you, my loyal fans, go out and right this wrong!  If you can find other, more reputable critics and ask for their reviews of my plays, I am sure they would be much more receptive to my poetic genius.

Please, help me restore my name or I’ll have to place all of you on a do-not-audition list.


Wiliwas Quiverlance, Esq.

*Definitely not All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 3, Scene 6)


Citizens of Scotland,

Please see the attached crime report from our local constable.  If you have any information regarding these horrific crimes, please report it at once.  We are also asking for assistance solving the mystery of these killings and tracking down the murderers.

CRIME/INCIDENT: Serial homicide

DATE/TIME OCCURRED: 10/9/1049, 20:00, 21:08, and 22:31

DATE/TIME REPORTED: 10/10/1049, 1:18

LOCATION(S): Inverness, Royal Palace, MacDuff’s Castle

NAME OF REPORTER(S): Lennox, Malcom, MacDuff

VICTIM(S): The Good King Duncan, Banquo, and Lady MacDuff

DETAILS OF THE INCIDENT: The three victims were found murdered.  The King had died from multiple stab wounds in his sleep.  There were no witnesses, but chamberlains were found drunk outside his chamber, with bloody knives nearby.  Banquo and his son were ambushed by at least two assailants on their way to a banquet; Fleance escaped but has been reported missing.  Lady MacDuff was attacked in her own home.  No details of the murder are available at this time, but her son was also killed.  Hours before her death, she had publicly denounced her husband, MacDuff, Thane of Fife.

DESCRIPTION OF THE PERPETRATOR(S): Several suspicious individuals wearing green headbands were spotted near where the body of Banquo was later found.  Three cloaked individuals, one appearing to be a large sandwich, were seen whispering among themselves and casting spells near the site of Duncan’s murder.

CONCLUSIONS: We have reason to believe that these murders were carried out by separate individuals at the behest of one organizing figure.  Leads on this person are unavailable at this time, and as such a definitive conclusion cannot be made.  However, I don’t get paid enough, so we’ll only be focusing on the murder of the King.


Calum Glasford

Fife Constabulary, Chief of Police

Police Service of Scotland


Ah, my wonderful attentive audience,

You have been participating in my show in a most exciting manner! I am happy to see such strong involvement and loyalty to me!

But all great things must come to an end. On the tenth night, we shall commence the final act. Do not fret, my pretties, we still have a little bit of time together before then.

I’m sure you think that the play has been stupendous so far. And I must agree! But, dear audience, this final act will truly knock your socks off! Get ready for the final night of your life!

The Greatest Playwright of All Time,
Williwas Quiverlance, Esq.


My Dear Audience,

I am glad that you have been getting involved in the play so enthusiastically already! After all, all great plays rely heavily on audience involvement! And let me tell you, we are not done yet.

Here, let me give you a sneak peek of the next act:

[A dark and stormy night.]

[Enter Witch, accompanied by Sandwitch and Samwitch]

Witch: The night beckons us to prophesize the coming events.

Sandwitch: I feel it.

Samwitch: But we are not equipped to envision the prophecy.

Witch: We need assistance.

Samwitch: That is what we have Humans for, is it not?

Sandwitch: That is their purpose.

Witch: Then they assist us.

Sandwitch: They will collect the cauldrons. It is they whose fate depends on this prophecy, you know.

Witch: It is known.

Samwitch: Good. How will the Humans know to carry out our task?

Witch: I have already begun broadcasting this conversation to them. Those who listen shall know the deal.

Sandwitch: Cauldrons for a prophecy. A fair trade. We have other uses for those cauldrons, you know.

Witch [annoyed]: It is known, Sandwitch.

Samwitch: Then we shall reconvene at Leutner Pavilion. Say, sunset?

Witch: I approve.

Sandwitch: I second.

Samwitch: Then it is decided. Good day.

[All three witches vanish into thin air.]

I’ll be watching,

Williwas Quiverlance


Hi guys,

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. My father was recently trampled to death by wildebeests, right before my eyes. It was pretty scarring. I’m in need of some rejuvenation.

Is there any way, at all, that you could come sing me a nice tune? I think it would help calm my nerves and allow me to think clearly again. I’d prefer if you came in pairs to sing me a duet. That would double the musical power, and double my emotional healing!

Yours truly,



Hello, my dear Master’s audience,

I am happy to inform you Quiverlance’s latest production went off without a hitch. Despite the efforts of a few reluctant actors, who are now completely on board, our performance topped Shakespeare's! With new actors signing on, the future possibilities are endless.

To where will his genius next take us?



Wiliwouldbe Tremblepike, Understudy.


Hello my dear audience,

Once again I must break the fourth wall, if for no reason other than to explain my latest stroke of genius. Despite some recent mishaps in my casting department, I am once again ready to treat you to the performance of a lifetime!

I have reimagined Hamlet: the classic tale of a son in mourning who would do anything to avenge the death of his father.  Ah, Hamlet - so smart, yet so driven by rage. Hopefully, my actor doesn’t get too far into character. I will cast Polonius, Claudius, and RosencrantzAndGuildenstern! I will cast them all better than any rendition performed before. However, my actors have been a bit ambitious as of late …

You! Hamlet! Stop attacking Claudius. NO, NO, NO, that's not the scene!

Ah, well - I suppose the show must go on.

Your most magnificent playwright,

Williwas Quiverlance, Esq.


My long suffering friends,

        I was not able to meet my sweet Zombio yesterday, but I’m sure he still cares for me! I mean he freaking SUPERLIKED me! Something must have prevented him from reaching me. I must know of him and how he fares! Please, deliver my letters to him at once, my heart aches every moment I know not of his fate.




My brave companions,

        I am distraught at having missed my chance to glimpse my fair Juliet’s beauty yesterday, I hope she does not think I have abandoned her! I would never, ever forget my love for someone so quickly. I have never done so in the past! I need more than her mere picture in a profile. I will love Juliet until my last brain, and she must know how I feel! Please, convey to her these letters so that she may rest assured in my everlasting love.




My dear audience,

The act last night was a spectacular failure. I had everything all set up for greatness, but you did not fulfill your end of the bargain! You have upset your dear playwright.

Though I had some of my finest actors cast as Miranda and Prospero, Miranda failed to make it to Prince Ferdinand. Her love will remain unrequited. Prospero may act like he liked this outcome, but remember, he is an actor within the play - a meta act. A stroke of genius on my part. However, Prospero’s true goal of uniting Miranda and Ferdinand failed.

Worry not, dear audience, for though this act was unpleasantly dull, there is still much more to this play! We shall see grandeur upon the stage before our time is up, I can assure you!

Your outstanding, handsome, intelligent, wise, strong, thoughtful, kind, powerful, charismatic playwright,

Williwas Quiverlance


My Dear Waning Audience,

Tonight, we will perform what may be the most ~dangerous~ act of the entire play.

In this act, we tell the tale of the fair lady Miranda’s love. Miranda is supposed to meet up with Prince Ferdinand. But! Miranda is not in love with the prince or anything, she is conflicted about her feelings towards him. Part of this is due to her father Prospero’s disapproval of Prince Ferdinand. Prospero has been open with his daughter that he does not want her to be engaged with the prince. Oh what will Miranda do? Shall she make it to the prince tonight? Will they magically fall in love?

But the plot thickens! Prospero actually wants Prince Ferdinand to fall in love with his daughter, and it’s just an act! Get it? I’m having one of my own characters act, within a play! I’m a genius. How meta! The critics will adore me and I’ll get so many awards. Riches, here I come!

Wait, this is gold! What if Prospero is also like a wizard or something? Yeah, I’ll give him some magic powers or something. Why not? It’ll be more fun that way!

I can’t wait to see how this turns out! Will Miranda reach the prince? Will they fall in love? Will Miranda’s father stop their meeting? Even though he wants them together anyway? But don’t tell Miranda that! It’ll spoil the whole thing!

As usual, I promise you that this act is entirely scripted ahead of time and is not in any way improvised. I’m a PLAYWRIGHT. There’s no playwright of an improv show, am I wrong? No, I’m right. Because I’m a genius of the stage.

Your most magnificent playwright,

Williwas Quiverlance



A fantastic second act! I may be the world’s greatest playwright, but a play needs actors, and you performed marvelously! I know I scripted this entire story, but you had me on the edge of my seat. Every time I thought Juliet and Zombio would find their way to each other, another twist! You will be well compensated for your performance, and now Juliet will have to find her Zombio some other way. But all stories have happy endings, right? Ah well, I shouldn’t spoil the story. On with the show!



Wiliwas Quiverlance, Esq.


Ah, yes, my next great work! I shall call it, Zombio and Juliet. Here is a sample of my unmatched skill as a craftsman of the English language!

Enter Juliet.


O Zombio, Zombio, wherefore art thou Zombio?

Deny thy faction and refuse thy brains,

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I’ll no longer be a Human.

Enter Zombio.


I take thee at thy word:

Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;

Henceforth I never will be Zombio.


My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words

Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the moan:

Art thou not Zombio and a Zombie?


Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.


If they do see thee, they will surely stun thee.


Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye

Than twenty of their darts: look thou but sweet,

And I am proof against their enmity.


I would not for the world they saw thee here.


I have nights’ cloak to hide me from their sight;

And but thou love me, let them find me here:


By whose direction found'st thou out this place?


By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;

He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.

(Voice calls for Juliet)


At what o'clock to-morrow

Shall I send to thee?


At the hour of fourteen.


I will not fail: 'tis twenty years till then.

I have forgot why I did call thee back.


Good night, good night! parting is such

sweet sorrow,

That I shall say good night till it be morrow.


Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace upon thy breast…

Do you like it? Of course you do, because I wrote it and I’m a genius.



Wiliwas Quiverlance, Esq.


*My* dear audience,

        That disobedient character, Mercutio, shall bother you no more with his disruptions from my great artistry. How unfortunate it was that your own interference and distraction left him so wide open to that zombie attack. Who could have ever seen such a thing coming? Ah, well, he seems to be filling his undead role a bit more faithfully than he did his living one. I dare say I might even like him better this way.

Yours artistically and poetically,

Williwas Quiverlance


Oh audience,


        Dost thou just sit there in silence, listening to the blitherings on of that fool Quiverlance, with his twists and turns, “romance” and “verse?” His writings make me ill, I can scarcely stand for his pretension! I simply must be distracted by some real art. My ears are assaulted by that fool’s musings, with how clever he thinks himself. I die for want of poetry! Though I do tease my dear friend Zombio, at least his moanings on have some rhythm. I’m sure it takes little to join the ranks of artists above that damnéd Quiverlance.

        Please, be mere audience no longer, and rescue me from a fate as vile as being forced to adhere to another of Quiverlance’s poor scripts! I’m sure my mood would be greatly elevated by your own original poetics! Your own performances will be much better than anything Quiverlance could produce I’m sure.

Yours in mind-numbing boredom and artless frustration,



My dearest audience!

        If music be the food of love, play on...

        What a festive occasion that was! Though Lady Olivia may not yet be ready to entertain a proposal from the young Sir Andrew, sparks flew in several directions tonight, and all attendees seem to have a renewed excitement for life! They’ll hold onto their brains another day, and fight more valiantly to keep them! In fact, all their human companions will benefit from this renewed enthusiasm!

Be sure to keep an eye out for my next plays!

Williwas Quiverlance


My dearest audience!

There seems to be great overreaction about this whole “zombie” thing. Why, the sweet Lady Olivia has simply thrown herself into mourning now that her dear brother eats brains in place of more…  traditional refreshments. Oh well, the lady has many suitors, perhaps a lively ball will raise her spirits! The good Sir Andrew has been convinced that all he must do to win her affections is dance more spiritedly than any other. Unfortunately, he is dreadfully shy, and will only dance amongst a large group of excited friends so that he forgets his nerves! Though less convinced of dance’s effect on Olivia, other party attendees are interested in seeing this dance, or in outdoing the young Sir Andrew themselves, so they will dance along in kind! Sir Toby, Duke Orsino, the maiden Maria, and this new boy Cesario are equally in search of some lively dance partners!

See you there!

Williwas Quiverlance


Why hello Humans,

I am Puck, a fairy of the forest! I am here to gracefully invite you to come visit the woods. My associates and I have prepared a wondrous feast for you all! ;)

I am such a fun-loving fairy! There is absolutely no way I would do anything to harm my guests.

See you soon~



Hello My Dear Audience,

I am sorry I must begin our adventure by breaking the fourth wall, but it must be done. I have many plays to share with you all! I cannot wait to get started. At midnight tonight, the show begins! Let me give you a sneak peek:

There are five humans, all of who lead fairly normal lives. Demetrius, Hermia, Lysander, Helena, and Nick Bottom each enter the woods of their own accord.

The mischievous jester Puck lies ready to prank them by transforming their minds. Puck wishes them to hunger not for human desires like love or material possessions, but something much more carnal. If Puck gets his way, their only wish will be to eat the brains of humans, and convert others to an undead state.

What shenanigans will these characters get up to? I can’t wait to find out…

Thank you for listening to Act 1, Scene 1, of The Rise of the Greatest Playwright of All Time.

Williwas Quiverlance, Esq.