___________________________

About Jon

As a coach, parent, and trainer, I see it over and over again. Courses designed to mould others to do the same activities in the same standardised way. Courses designed to tell others what we think they should know. Courses designed to make students mould themselves to win acceptance.

Many of us tend to look up to players who change how a game is played. To be inspired by scientists, artists, and engineers, who dream of another way, just around the corner. The people who inspire us, tend to avoid moulding themselves to think like others. They tend to break moulds we fit into. They develop life skills to unfold a better version of themselves.

With the right coaching I believe we can all develop the ability to unfold a better version of ourselves, that is just around the corner.

I want to get back to the basics of personal development. I want to help others improve themselves, not by moulding them, but by unfolding them.

If we spend all our time following standardised ways of learning and standardised ways of working, we tend to mould ourselves to fit in. We can become perfectionists and lower our ability to adapt. Lower our mental agility. Become mentally brittle. Our perfectionism can create a downward spiral in how we think. If we make a mistake we can feel less confident and doubt ourselves so that we make more mistakes, which makes us doubt ourselves more. We may well also start to believe that anyone who refuses to be like us, refuses to "MeToo", is deliberately trying to knock down the pillars on which we make sense of the world and we must stop them. We must mould them. It is often a stressful, anxious, angry life.

• “Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded.” - Jess Lair

A good way to find new ways to unfold ourselves is to try new things. To risk failure. To be kind to ourselves and others as we create, discover and invent. To forgive ourselves of all our mistakes, as mistakes mean we are learning. And to be kind to others by seeing their mistakes as their own learning. To encourage ourselves and others to make mistakes. To encourage ourselves and each other to express ourselves. No blaming. To adapt to improve the balance between meeting our needs, the needs of others, with the needs of the situation we share. To make our shared situation work for everyone. To see it as an act of unkindness for us to force, manipulate, trap, coerce others to fit a mould, to be like ourselves, to do things in the same standardised way as we do.

• “Why do I dream? So that I can come back to what I know. So that I can see the place I came from with new eyes and extracolors. And the people there see me differently, too. Coming back to where I started is not the same as never leaving.” Sir Terry Pritchett

• "Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning” - Gloria Steinem

• “You can’t connect the dots looking forward: you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future” - Steve Jobs

A way of helping others to unfold themselves, is to help them make and adapt their own choices in the absence of any pre-agreed right choices.

• It’s our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities” - J.K. Rowling

• “In order to make a decision you need to focus on the consequences (which you can know) rather than the probability (which you can’t know) - Nassim Nicholas Taleb

• “Willingness to accept one’s own risks is an essential attribute of heroes, saints, and flourishing people in all walks of life - - Nassim Nicholas Taleb

If we verbalise the choices others are making in terms of their chosen action, accepted consequences, and the resulting outcome, we help others make conscious choices. We can then spend time helping others adapt their conscious choice to improve the balance between meeting their needs, the needs of others, the needs of the situation we share… to find the way that works for everyone. It’s not about making the right choice. It’s about finding a better balance.

“While on a tall ship adventure, 16 young adults were faced with a difficult decision. It was very cold and the young adults had to choose to go on a night sail or not.

8 young adults didn’t want to go. 8 did want to go.

A debate started to resolve the issue.

When the young adults considered having a vote to determine the right way and not adapt… I stepped in

I asked the boat’s captain, who is responsible for safety, how many young adults did the captain need to safely run a night sail. The captain said 8. I then asked if 8 of the young adults accept the consequence that if it became really cold and it rained, they had to stay on deck to sail the boat. 8 young adults accepted this consequence.

I asked the other 8 young adults if they are prepared to go on a night sail if they can go below deck whenever they choose. They agreed.

We went sailing. It didn’t rain so everyone had a great night sail. Everyone cooperated by adjusting their choice to improve the balance between their needs and the needs of others”.

When I coach basketball and netball, I give players 3 choices in how to move after they pass the ball. And two choices players can make in how to move, when they don’t have the ball. We practice making these choices. Adapting our choices.

Another good way to unfold the best version of ourselves

• “When a sportsman, or anyone else, lifts above the standards of the past it is often because they have tried harder, and more likely, have adapted their habits, in a way that lifts them a little bit higher” - Matthew Syed

We tend to use our habits as a way of reducing the number of choices we have to make each day. For example, every morning we might have breakfast, clean our teeth and then shower. It helps us get out of the house without having to think too much. On autopilot… if you like.

Habits have a trigger, a procedure, and an outcome.

In the case of cleaning teeth…

• The trigger might be we finish our breakfast;
• The procedure is cleaning our teeth;
• The outcome is healthy teeth.

If the outcome stops working for me, I can change the trigger or the procedure. For example, I could change the procedure by using an electric toothbrush instead of a handheld toothbrush. Or I can adapt my trigger, and clean my teeth after lunch. If these adaptations give me healthier teeth, I keep with the adapted habit. If not I adapt again.

Habits are often doing something technical. In the case of sports it is often how to shoot a basketball, crossovers, driving etc. How to pass a netball. Rugby is might be scrummaging or kicking. In case of sailing a tall ship, it might coiling a rope. In cooking, it could be knife skills. There are many habits.  

If we mould others, we tend to get others to all follow the same standardised habit eg all shoot the ball using the same technique. Unfolding others means encouraging others to adapt their own habits until they find a way that works for themselves.

In my Basketball and Netball sessions I encourage players to practice their habits. To see for themselves when they are doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. To adapt their habits until they find a way that works for them. To then practice the habit that works. I suggest ways to adapt their habits.

• “We have brains in our heads. We have feet in our shoes. We can steer ourselves in any direction we choose” - Dr Seuss

• “Press on: no feeling is final” - Rainer Maria Rilke

• The Mamba Mentality is how the NBA legend Kobe Bryant defines a passion, a mindset, to always seek to unfold the best version of ourselves. Kobe on the Mamba Mentality:
  

""That’s "mamba mentality" we don't quit, we don't cower, we don't run. We endure and conquer. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, find the silver lining and get to work with the same belief, same drive and same conviction as ever...Mamba Out."

On player performance

• “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it’s the courage to continue that counts” - Winston Churchill

When unfolding performance is about continuing to unfold ourselves. To keep believing, to keep moving forward with a belief there is a better version of ourselves just around the corner. While the likes of Kobe Bryant, Kyrie Irving and Giannis Antetokounmpo etc might seek to unfold a better version of themselves every day, we can unfold at a slower rate. To reflect the varying levels at which we can to unfold ourselves, I grade my coaching sessions in these three ways...

• Mamba 1 is for players to practice their individual skills like shooting and handles. To find their own ways to adapt their own habits. Players tend to practice individually. No coaches are present, unless specifically asked for a specific session.  

• Mamba 2 is for players to unfold who they are in terms of how they move, pass, and score in a team. The level of performance comes from players asking coaches (who are always present) to suggest ways to adapt how they unfold a better version of themselves as individuals and as a team.  

• Mamba 3 is for players what want to be pushed by their coaches to adapt to unfold a better version of themselves as individuals and as a team.

On team selection

When I select players for a team, I build a list of players with the athletic abilities of the league we are playing in. From that list I select players who have the most desire and passion to unfold themselves. I select players who want to make their brains more elastic and more flexible. Players who want to be coached at Mamba 3.

On my coaching performance

If I do my job well players will trust me enough to risk making the mistakes required unfold a better version of themselves. Players will trust me to not mould them. My players will trust me to defend them from those trying to mould them.

When I build this level of trust players will learn to…

• Observe the habits of others, copy them, and adapt them so that they work for themselves. Spot when one of their habits is not working and then adapt it, until it does work for them.

• See the choices they have and adapt them to improve the balance between meeting their needs, the needs of others, so that shared situations work for everyone.

This is what you should be able to see when you watch my teams in a game or in training…

“Players will be happy, laugh and express themselves because they feel liberated by my lack of correct ways. They don’t need to avoid being wrong.

Players will always seek other ways. When things don’t go the players way they don’t waste time on what they think is wrong, or on what others are doing wrong, they find another way by changing what they do.

Players avoid feeling sorry for themselves. Players don’t make themselves a victim of what others do. Players accept the truth, and use their emotions to unfold a better version of themselves. Players build their belief on their ability to unfold themselves. Players get their sense of purpose from their own drive to go round the next corner,  to unfold a better version of themselves” - Coach Jon

I am confident that if the players meet the minimum physical requirements to compete in the selected league, we will unfold a better version of ourselves and  beat teams who have more physical talent than ourselves.

On mental fitness

While I am no expert, I do believe I manage my own well-being, my own mental fitness, by keeping alive the possibility that there is a better place, just around the corner. I give myself a feeling of moving forward, by constantly unfolding who I am, by adapting who I am. The more uncertain I feel, the more trapped I feel, the more I risk trying new things. The more I create, discover and invent with people I have not met before. New possibilities come into view, even in my darkest hours. In fact, especially in my darkest hours. My self confidence comes from my own belief that I can grow myself out of my deepest holes.

• “Faith is taking the first step when you don’t see the whole staircase” - Martin Luther King

• “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that” - Martin Luther King

I have a dream

If I dream of having a professional association for all coaches, teachers, trainers who want to help others to improve themselves not by moulding others, but by unfolding others. And if that association had 1000’s of members it could well become possible to…

• To lift young adults out of their day to day grind to get their qualifications to dream of another world, just around the corner.

• To help others believe there is another way, just round the corner. To stay mentally agile, and young at heart. Open to new possibilities and new friendships. To spread kindness. To be happy. To laugh.

• Create innovative, adapting teams where new ways of connecting, of working, of performing constantly emerge that make our world a better place for us all.

Join me at LifeSkills21.org

How I transitioned from moulding others to unfolding others

• “Our conscious mind is very good at good spinning whatever we do, or want to do, in some positive way, or at least making it more justified and defensible” - John Bargh

My subconscious was driving me to believe I had the right way and anyone who is different is wrong. I could argue, really well. I believed I was kind when I corrected others. I was a good person when I fixed others, by getting them back onto my right and correct path. I blamed others for being wrong. I would worry about getting things wrong. And being rejected by others, hurt. It hurt a lot. I believed I was being my own strong, independent man. I wasn’t. I was moulding myself to win acceptance.

When my self esteem was low, because I had failed to mould myself to win acceptance, I changed to unfolding myself. My self esteem recovered as I became more confident in my ability to unfold a better version of myself, as I keep dreaming there is a better world, just around the corner.

My children struggled to mould themselves to fit in at school. My wife and I ended up home educating our kids. Home education led to me being a youth group leader, a basketball coach and  taking young adults tall ship sailing, mountaineering and caving.

Most of these young adults either refused to mould themselves, or struggled to mould themselves to fit into our education system. I discovered autonomous education, which is now more commonly called unschooling. It basically means child led learning. Children use their natural curiosity to learn what they choose to learn. Teachers follow the child. Where school tends to be based around children following the teacher, which is why I guess they called it unschooling?

As I spent more and more time with these young adults, in an unschooling environment, I shifted from moulding others to win my acceptance… to coaching others to unfolding a better version of themselves.

I now help young adults get their confidence from their ability to unfold themselves, not mould themselves. To draw their passion for life from a belief that there is always a better version of themselves, just around the corner.

My basketball coaching grew out of home education and now includes lots of different community groups, teams, clubs, schools, colleges, as well as coaching netball. It also led me to create St Albans Lions basketball club, LifeSkills21.org and join an amazing team to run http://FestivalOfDreams.co.uk/

Throughout this time I used 6 habits to help me stay focussed on unfolding a better version of myself.

Each of my 6 habits are triggered when something goes wrong, or doesn’t work for me. This triggers me to use procedures to see what I have missed. To see new ways I can unfold a better version of myself.

• Habit 1: I try to only tell players what to do... only if the player has asked me to tell them what to do. I will try to avoid assuming players will always want to know what I think.
• Habit 2: I try to recognise when players say stop, and stop. (I will try to avoid finding ways to increase the pressure to make players do as i say).
• Habit 3: When things are not going my way, I will try to ask myself, what have I missed? (I will try to avoid thinking I need to keep going ignoring what others say.)
• Habit 4: I try to adapt my choices to minimise the spread of badwill to myself and others. (I try to avoid giving more badwill back)
• Habit 5: When things go wrong, I adapt my choices to nudge myself to a better place where I feel less of a victim. (I  try to avoid blaming others)
• Habit 6: I try to make choices to give goodwill to myself and others. (I avoid always thinking, the greater good is always more important than the individual needs of myself and others).

Habit 1: I try to only tell players what to do... only if the player has asked me to tell them what to do. I will try to avoid assuming players will always want to know what I think.

“As a basketball coach, I practice this habit by asking questions.  Instead of saying do this or that … I say, “would you like me to show you how I do it?  If the player says “No” … I walk away. What often happens is when the player is ready to learn … they come back and ask me to show them how”

Habit 2: I try to recognise when players say stop, and stop. (I will try to avoid finding ways to increase the pressure to make players do as i say).

Here are some examples of how I can take the ability to say "no" away from others...

• I can keep saying the same thing over and over again, as though they haven’t heard me. I don’t stop and listen to what they are saying.

• I might offer a “Yes” or “No” choice where the yes option is clearly better than the no option. Or the other way round.

• If I say “if you do this I will give you that”. I am manipulating someone into doing what I want them to do.

"A player was having difficulty in scoring a basket. The player said they couldn't do it. I spotted this was her saying "no". I stopped. I asked myself what am I missing (habit 3). We talked about what the player found hard. I practiced habit 6 and the player and I found another way to shoot. The player started to score and I avoided putting the player under pressure to perform my instructions"

Habit 3: When things are not going my way, I will try to ask myself, what have I missed? (I will try to avoid thinking I need to keep going ignoring what others say.)

“If I feel it is all being too hard, I stop and take a rest. I breathe. I do something else. When I am calm I ask myself … what am I missing?”

“I keep an eye out for when I am losing my ability to say “no” to myself. When this happens I am losing my ability to choose. I am doing stuff without thinking. I am doing stuff because I can’t stop myself.”

“I keep an eye out for when I am losing my ability to say “yes”. When others ask me to do stuff I have never done before, (so I have no idea if I will enjoy it or not) and I say “no” all the time, I am losing my ability to ask myself “what am I missing?” When I spot this I say to myself … what am I missing?”

“When I don't understand why someone does not get my ideas, I assume they are correct and try and see the world through their eyes. Once I see what they see, it normally broadens my view and I see what I was missing. This helps me improve my ideas”.

“Every single day I make a choice, and every day I can change my mind. Knowing this helps me make choices”

“When I am really stuck I find someone who is very different to me ... I empathise with them. People who are very different to me offer me a great opportunity to broaden my view”

“Giving up doesn't always mean I am weak. Sometimes it means I am strong and smart enough to know when to let go and move on”

Habit 4: I try to adapt my choices to minimise the spread of badwill to myself and others. (I try to avoid giving more badwill back)

“A referee keeps making mistakes. I want to get angry at the referee. I remember i don’t respond to badwill by giving badwill back. Instead I help players adapt to how the referee is controlling the game”

A coach is getting angry with me because one of my players has made bad foul. I say sorry and tell the coach that I will make sure my player doesn’t do that again. And my player says sorry. I then help the player adapt how they play to avoid making that bad foul again. My player becomes a better player. Everyone enjoys the game more.

Habit 5: When things go wrong, I adapt my choices to nudge myself to a better place where I feel less of a victim. (I  try to avoid blaming others)

Habit 5 is about replacing a negative emotion with a positive action.

“anger can carry you quite a long way ... if you can channel it “ - Sir Terry Pratchett

“When someone gives me badwill, I give myself goodwill"

“I see that as one door closes, as one friendship ends, I can create space to allow new doors to open and different sorts of people can enter and enrich my life”.

“I feel liberated when I see that I can choose to be the victim or not. Nobody can take that choice away from me. I decide when to move out of victim mode”

“The bully sees each time they are horrid to me, I nudge myself to a better place, they are helping me become a stronger person. The bully keeps away from me”.

“Each time I face a new negative situation and feel myself losing control I walk away and nudge myself to a better place where I feel less of a victim. I find how to use my negative emotions to help me grow as a person. I grow out of my anger. I grow out of my sadness”.

"When I feel like punching the wall I put all my energy into playing basketball I fall over exhausted. I feel good. I have played well. And I have not hurt my hand".

Habit 6: I try to make choices to give goodwill to myself and others. (I avoid always thinking, the greater good is always more important than the individual needs of myself and others).

“When I start to feel used, I see it as a sign I have given too much away. I need to spend time on myself, give goodwill to myself, so I can get back to giving to others”

“I now see that when my partner feels used they go to their bedroom. It’s time to give something to them. I don’t understand why having a clean kitchen gives my partner goodwill, but I know it does. I make sure my partner comes down to an extra clean kitchen”

“My family know that if I am feeling down I can’t give them goodwill, I have no goodwill to give. They know that if I go swimming with my friends, I give myself goodwill. I feel better. I am now able to give them goodwill. My family find ways so I can go swimming"

“I know that if I am on a mountain looking after teenagers and something happens, my extra fitness enables me to help them. Looking after myself makes it easier to give to others. Yes, the gym is ‘me’ time, but others benefit from it.”

"By going to a coffee shop and sitting down and reading the papers I feel I have given myself some ‘me’ time. When I go home, I am more able to be calm, therefore more able to give to others"

A final few words

• “Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up” - Stephen Hawkings

I am pretty sure, having spent time observing Stephen’s life, his passion to break the mould, he doesn’t mean for us to keep trying to be accepted. He is more likely to mean for us to keep believing there is a better version of ourselves, just around the corner. Let’s dream. Let’s stop moulding ourselves and unfold ourselves. Let’s stop the world reflecting our fears and differences and make it reflect our creativity and kindness. Join me at LifeSkills21.org

• Steve Jobs — “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do” (especially if we come together)

References

I am not saying anything new. It’s all well researched and documented. Here are some of the references on the books that have helped me over the years.  

Some Wiki links

Neuroplasticity https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity

David Edmonds - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Edmonds_(philosopher)

Gordon Allport  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_Allport

Henri Tajfel https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henri_Tajfel

Miles Hewstone  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miles_Hewstone

Transactional analysis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Emotional intelligence https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

Daniel Goleman https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Goleman

Habits https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Habit

Pluralistic Ignorance.https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluralistic_ignorance

GroupThink https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupthink

Some Websites

Oxford’s Uehiro Centre for Practical Ethics http://www.practicalethics.ox.ac.uk/home

https://youngminds.org.uk/media/1428/wise-up-prioritising-wellbeing-in-schools.pdf

Some Books

Skin in the Game by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Before you know it. The unconscious reasons we do what we do by John Bargh, PhD

The Power of Others - Peer Pressure, GroupThink, and How the people around us shave everything we do - by Michael Bond

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business is a book by Charles Duhigg

Chasing the rainbow: the non-conscious nature of being. Research paper by university college London and Cardiff university. Authors David Oakley and peter halligan argue “that consciousness involves no executive, causal, or controlling relationship with any of the familiar psychological processes conventionally attributes to it.

Amos Tversky and Daniel kahneman showed that human decisions were often completely unrational, not in their best interests and based on “cognitive biases”. Their ideas basis of Michael Lewis’s book, the Undoing Project.