What If World - 132 - What if mountains could turn into backpacks

Podcast: What If World

Episode: 132: What if mountains could turn into backpacks?

File Length: 00:19:16

Transcription by Keffy

[Rising harp scales followed by the What If World theme song.]

Lyrics: What if kittens played the glockenspiel? And what if unicorns were real? What if you could fly or travel back in time, we welcome you to What If World. What If World. This is What If World.

[Gentle bell music.]

Mr. Eric: Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories. I’m Mr. Eric, your host, and today we’ve got a question from a patron named Layla.

Layla: Hi, my name is Layla. I’m five years old and my what if question is what if mountains could turn into backpacks?

Mr. Eric: Excellent question, Layla, and very creative. Now, we get all kinds of different questions from our listeners and sometimes we get character ideas, too. So let’s listen to Bruno’s idea.

Bruno: Hi, I’m Bruno, age eight, and I just called to say that I thought up a zombie character called Brainless. His head is always getting popped off [unclear] the poltergeist and he always bumps into things, thank you.

Mr. Eric: All right, wow! Now, we lost you a little bit in the middle but what I understood was there’s a zombie character named Brainless and his head’s always getting popped off and I think he’s got a poltergeist as an enemy, and I think he’s always bumping into things.

JF Kitty: What a klutzy zombie!

Mr. Eric: JF Kat, you’re here for our meow-out, I presume.

JF Kitty: Indeed I am. I’d like to meow out Archie from Celebration, Florida.

Mr. Eric: Hey, Archie.

JF Kitty: He’s into the Lego monster series.

Mr. Eric: I didn’t even know that was a thing.

JF Kitty: Yep, there’s vampires, ghosts, and werewolves and stuff.

Mr. Eric: Cool, well, he’ll probably enjoy this story, then.

JF Kitty: He’d better.

Mr. Eric: No, he doesn’t strictly have to, JF Kat.

JF Kitty: Meow, I’m just kidding.

Mr. Eric: Okay.

JF Kitty: Sort of.

Mr. Eric: Okay… now let’s find out what if there was a zombie named Brainless whose head kept popping off and what if mountains could turn into backpacks.

[Rising harp scale.]

Mr. Eric: In Zombria, at Murky Middle School, all the undead students have to start every day by taking their feelings out of their heads and putting them into their backpacks. Most zombies, ghosts, vampires, and skeletons can do this with ease, but then there was Brainless, whose head was always getting popped off.

[POP!] [Students laughing]

Brainless: Oh, there goes my head again!

Mr. Eric: Brainless the zombie was feeling embarrassed. His head had popped off and all his emotions were pouring out like pebbles from his neck.

Brainless: Oh, get back in there, emotions! [Crying]

Mr. Eric: Every time he bumped into a desk or a chair or a fellow student, all the kids just laughed even more.

Brainless: Excuse me, sorry. Just… looking for my head.

[Other students laughing]

Abacus: Mr. Brainless, I appreciate that you are upset but you’ll feel better once you pick your head up off the ground.

Brainless: All right, Mr. Grumbler.

Mr. Eric: That’s right! It was Abacus P. Grumbler, before he was a professor. Abacus was a very young teacher back then. He barely had more than a twisty mustache and that mustache didn’t even have a single white hair of wisdom.

Brainless: Okay, I got it, I got it.

Mr. Eric: Said Brainless’s head as his body reached down to pick it up.

But then it was pushed away as if by a ghostly hand. And by as if, I mean, exactly.

Paulageist: Lose your head again, Brainless?

Mr. Eric: All the monster students in the class were laughing as Paulageist pushed Brainless’s head away with ghostly force.

Brainless: Stop using telekinesis on my head, Paulageist! My brain’s in there.

Paulageist: What’s left of it.

Abacus: Class, please stop laughing and bickering. Or it’s detention for both of you.

Paulageist: [Sighs]

Mr. Eric: Paulageist pulled a little emotion from her head like a ghostly little rock, and she tossed it into her backpack.

Paulageist: Fine.

Mr. Eric: And Brainless was finally catching up to his head.

Vampyro: You’re almost there, Brainless.

Mr. Eric: And a creature that looked to be made out of charcoal, with smoldering bat wings kicked Brainless’s head with a sooty foot. And instead of picking his head up with his hands, he booted it out the window with his foot.

Brainless: Oh…

Abacus: Oh, Vampyro, that’s detention for you. And for Brainless and Paulageist, too. Congratulations.

Vampyro: [Grumbles]

Abacus: Don’t give me that incredibly frightening look.

[Time skip noise.]

Abacus: And that, class, is how undead are able to pull their emotions out of their heads like rocks and store them in neverending backpacks.

Students: That makes so much sense.

Awooo-d agree!

Brainless: I don’t know, it sounds pretty hard to believe.

Abacus: Well, Brainless–

Mr. Eric: And the school bell rang, marking the end of the day.

Abacus: All right, class. Detention has begun. Let’s go on a hike.

Vampyro: What?

Paulageist: What?

Brainless: Hooray! Detention is the best. Oh, there it goes again. Oh.

Mr. Eric: All the kids picked up their backpacks.

Abacus: Oh, no no. You won’t be needing those. Just leave them behind.

Vampyro: [Sighs]

Paulageist: What?

Brainless: Oh ho ho! Hooray, no backpacks! Whoopie!

Mr. Eric: And a few more pebbles poured out of Brainless’s neck, which he scooped up and threw in his backpack before the four of them left.

Murky Middle School was set against the mountain range that wasn’t too far off. And before they knew it, Abacus, Vampyro, Paulageist, and Brainless, had all arrived.

Abacus: Now, do you children know this mountain range?

Brainless: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s tough for me to remember stuff like that.

Paulageist: It’s the Her-himotion mountains.

Abacus: Indeed, Paula. And this range stretches as far as the eye can see, and farther than that, also, because mountains are big.

Vampyro: What’s your point?

Abacus: My point is, have you ever thought of where those little pebbles you put in your backpack go?

Brainless: Not for a second.

Vampyro: I… suppose.

Abacus: Well, this is where.

Mr. Eric: And suddenly he teleported on top of the nearest mountain.

Abacus: This is someone’s emotions.

Mr. Eric: And he shrunk the mountain down to the size of a backpack.

Abacus: And here’s someone else’s.

Mr. Eric: And he shrunk that mountain down, too.

Abacus: And here’s a third person’s. And someone else’s entirely.

Mr. Eric: And there were four backpacks sitting before them.

Paulageist: These are someone’s emotions? Well, where are they now?

Abacus: Oh, probably smooshed somewhere. What do I know? I don’t teach mountain carrying.

Vampyro: So, what are we doing here?

Abacus: Why, we’re mountain-carrying.

Brainless: Uh, is that safe?

Abacus: What do I know? I don’t teach mountain-carrying. Okay, class! Carry your mountains.

[Record scratch.]

Mr. Eric: And all four of them picked up a heavy backpack and slung it over their shoulders.

Brainless: Oh, I don’t like this, it’s heavy.

Paulageist: It’s fine, Brainless. Let’s get through this.

Vampyro: Can’t I simply burn mine?

Abacus: No, Vampyro. You cannot burn your backpack.

Mr. Eric: And as the kids carried their packs toward the nearest mountain, they started to hear strange, distant thoughts in their heads.

Voice: He doesn’t remember me. I thought we were friends.

Why’s she always so mean? What did I do?

My mustache is so thin all the children will laugh.

I’m just so angry.

Brainless: Mr. Grumbler, what’s going on?

Abacus: Well, if you’re having trouble with your own emotions, I thought maybe you could all handle someone else’s for a change.

Paulageist: This isn’t fair. You tell us to put our emotions away at school.

Abacus: No, that’s not what we’re trying to do.

Mr. Eric: Said Abacus, although his pack seemed to be getting heavier and heavier.

Abacus: I’m trying to get you to take out your emotions and see them before the school day starts. I need a rest, it’s hot and the mountains were the only shade, and now we’re carrying them.

Mr. Eric: And as Brainless strained with his own backpack, his neck flexed… and his head popped off again.

Abacus: See, there. We cannot always let our heads pop off every time we have a feeling.

Brainless: What do you mean?

Abacus: I mean, it’s important to remember your feelings so you can understand them and deal with them better the next time.

Paulageist: Ugh, can you just stop talking for one second?

Mr. Eric: Said Paulageist, pulling a ghostly little pebble out of her head and sticking it in her backpack. Only the pack on her back wasn’t really hers to begin with.

Abacus: Oh dear. Did someone just mix up their emotions with someone else’s emotions?

Paulageist: I just put my feelings away. I do it all the time.

Abacus: Oh, but the wrong backpack!

Mr. Eric: And the little ghostly pebble popped out of her bag, or more specifically, it was popped out of her bag as the peak of a mountain started to rise out from it.

Abacus: Oh, this is bad news.

Mr. Eric: But the ghostly little pebble didn’t fall to the ground, it flew towards Brainless’s backpack. And the ghostly, ethereal mountain started to rise, peak-first from Brainless’s bag as well.

Abacus: Um, children, it might be time to uh…

Vampyro: Run away.

Abacus: I was going to say walk very cautiously and quickly and calmly while pumping our arms and legs as fast as we can.

Mr. Eric: So the three children started power walking toward the nearest mountain.

Abacus: Uh, Brainless, Paulageist, you’re carrying those mountains with you, leave them behind, please!

Mr. Eric: And the mountains kept growing as the children put them down.

Abacus: And run!

Mr. Eric: It felt like an earthquake or a reverse avalanche as all four of them sped away and two mountains careened into each other, shattering until they’re all mixed up in a pile of ghostly and real rocks, tumbling towards Abacus and his class.

Abacus: Vampyro, you’ve got to open your backpack right now.

Vampyro: And make another mountain?

Abacus: Please just trust me!

Vampyro: [Growls]

Mr. Eric: But they did as they were told and suddenly they were all standing inside a study. Bookshelves and magic components lined the walls. An old wizard staff leaned in the corner. Beakers full of potions were scattered across one desk, and a worn but comfy purple chair sat in front of another desk.

They could hear two mountains’ worth of boulders colliding with this study, but they seemed safe for now.

Brainless: I’m scared, I’m scared!

Mr. Eric: Said Brainless, running around the study, bumping into every surface, looking for a head that was, for once, still attached to his neck.

Abacus: Brainless, I understand. I can explain everything.

Paulageist: Why don’t you start with where we are?

Abacus: We’re inside my mountain.

Vampyro: Your mountain is awfully swanky.

Abacus: Thank you, Vampyro. This is sort of my little safe haven, a place I go when I don’t have time to think about my scrawny mustache or how none of my students seem to respect me.

Brainless: Oh, I respect you, Abacus.

Abacus: You just called me by my first name!

Brainless: I can’t do anything right!

Paulageist: We need to focus on how we’re getting out of here.

Brainless: Oh, you’re right. You’re so smart, Paulageist.

Paulageist: Please don’t say nice things to me.

Mr. Eric: The study shook as more rubble seemed to pile atop it.

Abacus: Okay, okay, I admit it. Those four mountains we were carrying were each other’s emotions, not just some random stranger’s. That would have been weird.

Brainless: But all my emotions fall right out of my neck! How could I have a mountain of them?

Abacus: Well, all those little emotional pebbles still end up in your backpack, which means they go there.

Mr. Eric: And he gestured outside of the study to where the mountains were still falling.

Paulageist: Well, is there some kind of magic thing we can use in here to teleport away?

Abacus: Oh, this is all just make-believe.

[Record scratch.]

Vampyro: What?

Abacus: I know I’m not perfect and I don’t have a great big beard, and I’ve got a lot of growing to do as a teacher, but I’ve worked out those feelings and so I have this nice little study in the midst of a massive mountain of emotions that you just can’t see right now.

Brainless: You mean grown ups have feelings, too?

Abacus: Oh, we indeed we do.

Paulageist: Well, good thing I’m a ghost and I can pass through rocks.

Mr. Eric: And Paula used her telekinesis to open the door to the study.

Vampyro: Oh dear.

Abacus: Oh dear!

Brainless: Oh, donkey…

Mr. Eric: But a ghostly boulder rolled right through the open door, bowling toward Paula!

Paulageist: Oh, donkey!

Mr. Eric: And at the last second, Brainless jumped in front of the rolling ghostly boulder.

Brainless: Ouch.

Mr. Eric: When the dust cleared, there was Brainless, still in two pieces.

Brainless: Could someone please grab my head?

Mr. Eric: And Paula floated the zombie’s head back over to him, helping him up off the ground as Abacus shut the door to the study again.

Paulageist: Why would you do something like that? A zombie can’t stop a ghost boulder!

Brainless: Well I think maybe those two mountains out there were mine and yours and when I saw that little piece of mountain rolling towards us, well, your fears just started looking a lot like my fears.

Abacus: Oh! What a helpful exercise. Maybe you two will become friends.

Paulageist: No, we won’t. Not again.

Brainless: Huh?

Paulageist: We used to be friends, Brainless. But you let all of your feelings just slip out of your head so you forget again and again.

Brainless: I had no idea.

Paulageist: I know!

Vampyro: This is all very touching but I’ve never met a mountain I couldn’t burn through so I’ll just see you later.

Mr. Eric: And Vampyro opened the study door again.

Abacus: Oh… really?

Mr. Eric: Boulder after boulder tried to pour into the study but Vampyro held forward a charcoal hand, the fingertips lit up like embers, which shot out five jets of flame, torching one boulder after another.

[Vampyro laughs]

Abacus: Um, Vampyro, you might want to stop that.

Vampyro: Don’t worry, Mr. Grumbler. I can keep this up all day. I just have to stay angry.

Abacus: That’s the problem.

Mr. Eric: And Abacus finally put down the backpack he’d been carrying all along and the flaming peak of a mountain started pushing out of the top of it.

Vampyro: Oh… That must be my backpack. But I don’t have any emotions!

Abacus: Oh, well.

Vampyro: No, I burn them all to cinders and ash.

Abacus: With your anger. Which is an emotion, which you don’t really deal with in a healthy manner. I wanted to bring this up in a less deadly scenario, ideally.

Mr. Eric: But now there was a flaming mountain growing inside of the study as an avalanche of rocks and boulders still tried to pour in from outside.

Paulageist: Oh, you’re a terrible teacher!

Abacus: Well, at least I’m not angry all the time!

Vampyro: Well, at least I don’t forget all of my feelings.

Brainless: Well, at least I allow myself to feel.

Paulageist: Oh, oh…

Mr. Eric: Paulageist used her ghost telekinetic powers to push against the boulders while Vampyro tried to burn them away, but none of it seemed to work.

Paulageist: Okay, everybody. We’re all afraid of getting crushed, right?

Abacus: I’m a little afraid of that, mm-hmm.

Paulageist: But feelings can’t crush us, right?

Brainless: Only mountains can.

Vampyro: Well, lots of things other than mountains, but I think I see your point.

Abacus: Are you saying we have to let ourselves feel our feelings?

Brainless: Even if they’re not good?

Paulageist: Even if we’re embarrassed?

Vampyro: Even if we feel things other than anger?

Mr. Eric: And the little ghost nodded. They stood against the mountains together, eyes closed, fearing they could get crushed at any second…

Abacus: Oh, I’m such a bad teacher.

Vampyro: Nobody understands me!

Paulageist: Everyone forgets me!

Brainless: Everyone laughs at me!

Mr. Eric: And after a minute, Abacus peeked open an eye.

Abacus: Children, I don’t think we’ve been smooshed.

Vampyro: You’re right, we’re not smooshed.

Brainless: Oh, I just know my head’s smooshed.

Paulageist: You’re talking out of your head, Brainless. Of course it isn’t smooshed.

Brainless: Oh.

Mr. Eric: And as the four of them opened their eyes, four perfectly uncrumbled, unburnt mountains stood with the last rays of sunshine peeking between them.

Abacus: Finally! We’re all supposed to be doing this all along. Unpack your feelings for a few minutes every day. I mean really, children don’t unpack their backpacks?

Paulageist: Hardly ever.

Brainless: Nope.

Vampyro: Maybe if it’s on fire.

Abacus: Oh, well, then this was a really misguided idea in the first place, hmm.

Brainless: Yeah.

Paulageist: Kinda.

Vampyro: Oh, absolutely.

Mr. Eric: The end.

[Falling harp scale.]

Mr. Eric: Well, Layla and Bruno, I hope you enjoyed your story.

I’d like to thank Karen O’Keeffe, my co-creator, Craig Martinson for our theme song, my high school English teacher, Mr. Fuller, and all you kids at home. I know thinking and talking about feelings can be a little strange at first, but it’s a lot healthier than carrying around that mountain on your back.

And until we meet again, keep wondering.

[What If World theme plays.]