WRITTEN FOR FEMALE-IDENTIFYING PEOPLE

SEASONAL ALLERGIES

By Katherine DeSivino

JULIA:

No, Pete. C’mon. This will be good for you. Everyone wants to see you- and it’s Christmas Eve. You can’t hide in Charles’ room forever. Pete, you remember when we went to Niagara Falls when we were little? And you were scared of the water, so you cried for three days straight and kind of ruined the trip for everybody?

THIS IS NIAGARA FALLS ALL OVER AGAIN. You are turning the holiday season into our family vacation from Hell. My living room has been your trash pile for the past month. You put a Douglas Fir through my kitchen window. You have single handedly made the A&P run out of Kleenex. Twice. And Pete, so help me, you better be using those tissues for tears.

I love you, I want you to feel better. I’ve watched Sleepless in Seattle with you five times so far. The least you can do for me is put on a pair of pants and drink a scotch with your friends. We have shrimp for crying out loud. I know you love shrimp! I got them for you. Because I love you, dummy. Now please. Pants.

COWBOY MOUTH
by Sam Shepherd

CAVALE:

You’re so neat. You’re such a neat guy. I wish I woulda known you when I was little. Not real little. But at the age when you start finding out stuff. When I was cracking rocks apart and looking at their sparkles inside. I bet you would’ve protected me. People were always giving me crap. Ya know what? Once I was in a play. I was real glad I was in a play cause I thought they were just for pretty people and I had my dumb eyepatch and those metal plate shoes to correct my duck foot. It was “The Ugly Duckling” and I really dug that cause of the happy ending. And I got to be the ugly duckling and I had to wear some old tattered black cloth and get crap flung at me but I didn’t mind cause the end I’d be that pretty swan and all. But you know what they did? At the end of the play I had to kneel on the stage and cover my head with a black shawl and this real pretty blonde haired girl dressed in a white ballet dress rose up behind me as the swan. It was really crappy, man. I never got to be the swan. I paid all the dues and up rose ballerina Cathy like the North Star. And afterwards all the parents could talk about was how pretty she looked. Boy, I ran to my hideout and cried and cried. The lousy jerks. I wish you were around then. I bet you would’ve protected me.

THIRD

By Wendy Wasserstein

EMILY:

His family has no money. His father is a small-claims lawyer in Ohio. Yes. You categorized him totally wrong. Mother, you almost ruined this kid’s life. God, you are the most arrogant, glib, impossible woman.

You decided he plagiarized because you needed that to be true. Just like they decided that there were weapons of mass destruction because they needed that to be true. Mother, you had an agenda. If he were a gay, Native American playwright, you wouldn’t have touched him.

Just so you know. Richard got a job in a bank near his parents in Trenton and I’m moving in with him next month. I’ll wait tables until I figure out what I want to do.

I want out of your world, mother. I don’t want to judge people on their schools, their influence, or the success of their latest essay in the New York Review of Books.

This is my chance not to be you.

THE RED COAT

By John Patrick Shanley

MARY:

That’s funny how you feel about my coat. The red one. No one knows how I feel about that coat. I have really special feelings for that coat. I feel like it’s part of me…like it stands for something… my childhood…something like that. If you understood about my red coat…that red coat is like all the good things about when I was a kid…it’s like I still have all the good kid things when I’m in that red coat…it’s like being grown up and having your childhood too. You know what it’s like? It’s like being in one of those movies where you’re safe, even when you’re in an adventure. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes, in a movie the hero’s doin’ all this stuff that’s dangerous, but you know because the kind of movie it is, that he’s not gonna get hurt. Bein’ in that red coat is like that…like bein’ safe in an adventure. It seems silly but I’ve always wanted someone to understand some things and that was one of them…the red coat. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know about tomorrow…but right this minute I…love you. I didn’t know two people could understand some things…share some things. Only a few minutes ago we were alone. I feel like I could tell you anything. Isn’t that crazy?

Misadventure

By: Donald Margulies

ANSLEY:

Ethan, I am too tired and too pissed off-- to be having this argument with you in a police station parking lot in Nowhere, New Hampshire. What were you thinking?! What in the world were you thinking?! Were you trying to kill yourself? How DARE you be reckless with your life! What’s my life worth if you trash yours? Huh? Have you thought about that?!! We’re not just sibs, you stupid moron, we’re soul mates! Don’t you know that by now?! You drink yourself sick and go hitching on the Interstate?! Are you crazy?! Have I taught you nothing?! Never mind being drunk and weaving on the shoulder with cars and trucks whizzing by at eighty miles an hour! Never mind that! What if a crazy person stopped to pick you up--a Jeffrey Dahmer-type or something--and took you away so you were never heard from again! Some Boy Scouts would come across your jawbone one day in the woods! It’s a good thing the cops picked you up and threw you in jail. You could’ve been roadkill! Stop laughing! STOP IT!! It isn’t funny! If you’d killed yourself…! If you’d gotten yourself killed for some stupid, peer-pressure, macho, adolescent, alcoholic misadventure...If I’d lost you ‘cause of it… If I’d lost you… You scared me, Ethan! You scared me to death!!

HORSE GIRLS

By Jenny Rachel Weiner

ASHLEIGH:

WHY DON’T WE TAKE A BREAK!

(ASHLEIGH has an idea --)

I think everyone could use a little breather. Girls, I know this is scary. I’m scared, too. But i promise it’s all going to be okay. I know what it’s like to stay calm in stressful situations: I’ve competed in twelve championships: two of which I was sabotaged by that whore Bonnie Kat, three where my horse had tetanus, and seven where I placed. Did I fall off Titus when he bucked so high I got a cut on my privates? No. Did I quit when Angel’s Glory got spooked and bit a chunk out of my face? No, I just had a minor procedure. And did I end it all when I was disqualified from the Horse of the Year show in Britain because Perfect Harmony decided to get knocked up during show season? No. I tended to that foal like it was my own and persevered. And that’s what we’re going to do.

Ladies, we need a beacon of hope in this great time of darkness.

And I, as your leader, will light the way.

Check, Please

by Jonathan Rand

Mary:

Listen, I was wondering if you were free next Friday. If dinner goes well tonight, I wanted to go ahead and line up a second date. See, ‘cuz here’s the thing: My parents are having a house-warming party at their new place on August 2nd and if you and I hit it off tonight and end up seriously dating, that party would be the perfect opportunity for you to meet my parents. So naturally I’d like to squeeze in several healthy-sized dates before then. If we don’t, my parents might be a little bit skeptical of our relationship, which could in turn be disastrous for our future, when you eventually pop the question. Not only would it make my whole family uncertain and uncomfortable during the ceremony, but it would also most likely carry over during our sixteen-day honeymoon in St. Martin. Also, it would be just awful if you had to deal with skeptical in-laws during the years down the road, and all because of a little thing like not setting aside fourteen healthy-sized dates before the house-warming party. Think about how a family conflict like that could upset Jocelyn. Jocelyn - our little darling. Middle child. Bryan first: then Jocelyn, and of course, little Madison. What is it? You don’t like the name Madison?

Missed Connection

By: Larke Schuldberg

EFFIE

So studies show that of all the countries in the world, American women are some of the worst at flirting. I didn’t actually read the study...but I read about it...online. Aggressive women are easy and no one wants to marry the slut and that men enjoy the chase and you should play hard-to-get otherwise it’s boring.

And I am trying. I’m getting better. At being aggressive. I asked for a raise at work, finally - goes against my nature - But I did it and even though I thought I was going to vomit, it actually

ended up really awesome. But what I was saying is that I’m working on it, being aggressive, well not aggressive but like stating what I want and feeling entitled that I deserve what I want and anyway…

I think you're sort of cute. Well not sort of cute, actually cute. You are actually cute. And so I’m trying to do this thing where if I think someone is cute I go up and tell them  and this is really terrifying and I would like to buy you a beer  if you want or if you don’t want you can take the compliment  because it’s true that you’re cute and if you want a beer I will  be sitting over there and oh my God I’m so sorry I will leave.

WRITTEN FOR MALE-IDENTIFYING PEOPLE

Seasonal Allergies

By Katherine DeSavino

PETE:

I blew a tire and hit a Douglas Fir./ That’s a type of Christmas tree./ Since I was so close to getting here I just decided to keep going/. But then I hit your trash cans because I couldn't steer the car./ But everything is fine/. Except for the front of my car, both axles, and the tree. And your trash cans/. You should get new trash cans./ You know what? I’ve found recently that my life has been a bit inconsistent/. So I’m just learning to embrace it!/ Like today for instance: I woke up and I knew I wanted to eat a pie-this morning it was cherry, but then I wanted banana cream and at the A&P I couldn’t stop thinking about pumpkin/. So instead of deciding on one I got four./ (*)Just in case. Cuz you know, who knows these days what might happen from one moment to the next, One second you’re in a committed, life-long relationship-and the next you’re not in a committed, life-long relationship, and you have nothing of value to depend on./ The world is completely unpredictable!/

...I hope you like pie.

THE INCOMPLETE LIFE AND RANDOM DEATH OF MOLLY DENHOLTZ

By Ian McWethy

IVAN:

Hey, Julia! Uh… eating lunch? I’ve been like a bundle of nerves all day. So... you tell me how you’d like this to go. Because here’s what’s going to happen. I’m asking you, Julia Thompson, to the prom. I am. And I have two ways I could do it. Scenario one, I have this elaborate, fun, over-the-top way that we could post on YouTube if you wanted. It’s basically that scene in Love Actually. Have you seen that? Where Lincoln from the Walking Dead holds those signs up to Keira Knightley that says like, “I love you and I recorded your wedding and just shot close ups of you because I love you.” Which honestly is creepy but the way I’m gonna do it, is gonna be like... sweet. And you know... funny. And not creepy. Wait! Hold on. Or. I could just like ask you out now. Simple. No social media. I just ask. And I know this really kills the surprise of the whole... asking out thing. But like... I don’t know. I don’t want to have a repeat of when I asked Elise to homecoming last year. When I rewrote the lyrics to Formation to be about her and she said no and Harper shared it with everyone on Snapchat. Cause that was, uh, ha ha... not good! So I’m sorry. Spontaneity is out the window but I think the sentiment is what matters, so if you can just look past - I guess I was kind of worked up with my own stuff and I didn’t... uh.... so you don’t want to go to prom? At all?

LUCKY ME

By Robert Caisley

TOM:

This is a weird date. It’s sort of a date. It has all the date like features. Like wine. Like I made you dinner. I ironed.

Like that moment when you tried to grab the parmesan cheese...and I tried to grab the parmesan cheese at exactly the same time, and there was that thing that happened. You know: that thing? That undeniable…..whatchamacallit? I don’t know what you’d call it, but it was probably a French word. Yeah, the French have more words to describe these sorta things. Uh-huh. I’ve seen it in French movies where the whole thing takes place in a restaurant, and they’re smoking, and there’s just this apparent understanding that things are progressing…I’m just saying I was aware of the acute date-like moment thing. It was huge. And it was french. That’s all I’m saying.

Even if, for you, it was more subtle. How about “pre-date”. Can we call it a pre-date? Are you comfortable with the the term “pre-date?”

Like a practice date.

COMPLICATED LOVE

by Gary Garrison

Unnamed Character:

Who knew?  Who? Did my father know and forget to tell me? Did my mother think I’d just figure it out?  Love is just so pain-in-the-butt/heart/head/soul complicated.  What happened to the days of "Meet me after class.  I've got to kiss your cheek."  Now it’s “why do you want to kiss? And kiss now? Why now and not an hour ago? And if I kiss you now, will you expect a kiss tomorrow? And if I kiss you tomorrow, does that mean I’ll have to kiss you every day for the rest of our lives? Because I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. And I don’t think you are either. I mean, you don’t even like the color red. So what does that mean for us and Valentine’s Day? And if you say Valentine’s Day is not a holiday, I’m leaving, because it is a holiday damn it. And I know you don’t like me to curse, but I’m in touch with my anger and my chakras and my spiritual life and afterlife and past lives.”  What?!...  And that's just the other person's baggage.  What happens when I add mine into the mix?

The Red Coat

By: John Patrick Shanley

JOHN:

I left the party 'cause I felt like everything I wanted was outside the party... out here.

There's a breeze out here, and the moon... look at the way the moon is... and I knew you were outside somewhere, too! So I came out and sat on the steps here and I thought that maybe you'd come and I would be here... outside the party, on the steps, in the moonlight... and those other people... the ones at the party... wouldn't be here ... but the night would be here... and you and me would be talking on the steps in the night in the moonlight and I could tell you...

I don't know. I was looking out the window at the party... and I was looking out the window at the moon and... I love you!

[Silence]

I shouldn't've said it. I shouldn't've said it.

My heart's breaking. You must think I'm so stupid... but I can feel it breaking. I wish I could stop talking. I can't. I can't.

The Idiot Box

By: Michael Elyanow

Omar:

No, wait. Please. The thing is. I was watching the play and somewhere toward the end of the the first act I happened to take my eyes off the stage for a second and..I saw you sitting across from me and you were so completely “in it”, I mean, leaning forward, tears in your eyes, you know, and i was thinking, Yes! That’s the power of Chekhov. How he manages to just nail it. All the hope and dread and joy and secrets we keep locked up inside our hearts and our heads and never say out loud and Moscow, oh, Moscow. Which all sounds like a line, a very bad line, but it’s not and I know I don’t know you, it’s just that you left the theatre so quickly and I wanted to tell you that I felt the same way, too...I would really like to spend even just an hour getting to know you. You must be an extraordinary person. And I must be a complete idiot for talking all this time and not introducing myself. Omar Jackson. Blabbermouth

Other Desert Cities

by Jon Robin Baitz

Character: Trip Wyeth, a bright, funny, TV producer

Age Range: 20's | 30's

Summary: After listening to his family argue over a book his sister has just published about their late brother, easy-going Trip finally tells them what he thinks.

TRIP:

You know, let me just like preface this with – uh, I’ve lived most of my life in the shadow of a brother I barely knew – and I have about “this much” left – ok? That said – the people in this book are not the same as the ones who brought me up. I’ve told Brooke this. They are different people than the ones I am looking at, totally.

But it’s the best thing she’s ever written. I say that we all live with each other’s divergent truths and in spite of having deeply conflicting accounts, which don’t matter anyway anymore – (growing rage, finally it all comes out and it is scary) – Because it’s the past!

And we’re all getting older and if this is heading toward desolation, which I can see that it is, you will all regret it, so give your daughter a pass and your sister, too, both of you, stop fighting like weasels in a pit, because on your last day on this planet, you’ll be scared and it won’t matter as long as you take your last breath – all that will have mattered is how you loved. And I’m out. I’m done. That’s all I got.