Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, a New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy

FULL IFS PROCESS (Book summary is further down)

1. Getting to Know a Protector

• P1. Accessing a Part

• If the part is not activated, imagine yourself in a recent situation when the part was activated.
• Sense the part in your body or evoke an image of the part.

• P2. Unblending Target Part

• Check to see if you are charged up with the part’s emotions or caught up in its beliefs right now. If so, you are blended.
• Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now. If you can’t tell, you may be blended.
• If you are blended with the target part, here are some options for unblending.

• • Ask the part to separate from you so you can get to know it.
• • Move back internally to separate from the part.
• • See an image of the part at a distance from you or draw the part.
• • Do a short centering/grounding meditation.

• If the part doesn’t separate, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did.
• Explain to it the value of separating and reassure it about its fears.

• P3. Unblending Concerned Part

• Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now.
• If you feel compassionate, curious, and so on, you are in Self, so you can move on to P4.
• If you don’t, then unblend the concerned part:

• • Ask the concerned part if it would be willing to step aside (or relax) just for now so you can get to know the target part from an open place.
• • If it does, check again to see how you feel toward the target part, and repeat.
• • If it isn’t willing to step aside, explain to it the value of stepping aside.
• • If it still won’t, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and reassure it about its fears.
• • If it still won’t, make the concerned part the target part and work with it.

• P4. Discovering a Protector’s Role

• Invite the part to tell you about itself.
• The part may answer in words, images, body sensations, emotions, or direct knowing.
• Here are questions you can ask the part:

• • What do you feel?
• • What are you concerned about?
• • What is your role? What do you do to perform this role?
• • What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?
• • What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?

• P5. Developing a Trusting Relationship with a Protector

• You can foster trust by saying the following to the protector (if true):

• • I understand why you (do your role).
• • I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
• • I know you’ve been working very hard.

2. Getting Permission to Work With an Exile

• If necessary, ask the protector to show you the exile.
• Ask its permission to get to know the exile.
• If it won’t give permission, ask what it is afraid would happen if you accessed the exile.
• Possibilities are:

• • The exile has too much pain. Explain that you will stay in Self and get to know the exile, not dive into its pain.
• • There isn’t any point in going into the pain. Explain that there is a point-- you can heal the exile.
• • The protector will have no role and therefore be eliminated. Explain that the protector can choose a new role in your psyche.

3. Getting to Know an Exile

• E1: Accessing an Exile

• Sense it in your body or get an image of it.

• E2: Unblending From an Exile

• If you are blended with an exile:

• • Ask the exile to contain its feelings so you can be there for it.
• • Consciously separate from the exile and return to Self.
• • Get an image of the exile at a distance from you.
• • Do a centering/grounding induction.

• If the exile won’t contain its feelings:

• • Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did.
• • Explain that you really want to witness its feelings and story, but you need to be separate to do that.

• Conscious blending: If you can tolerate it, allow yourself to feel the exile’s pain.

• E3: Unblending Concerned Parts

• Check how you feel toward the exile.
• If you aren’t in Self or don’t feel compassion, unblend from any concerned parts.
• They are usually afraid of you becoming overwhelmed by the exile’s pain or the exile taking over.
• Explain that you will stay in Self and not give the exile the power to take over.

• E4: Finding Out about an Exile

• Ask: What do you feel? What makes you feel so scared or hurt (or any other feeling)?

• E5: Developing a Trusting Relationship with an Exile

• Let the exile know that you want to hear its story.
• Communicate to it that you feel compassion and caring toward it.
• Check to see if the exile can sense you there and notice how if it is taking in your compassion.

4. Accessing and Witnessing Childhood Origins

• Ask the exile to show you an image or a memory of when it learned to feel this way in childhood.
• Ask the exile how this made it feel.
• Check to make sure the part has shown you everything it wants to be witnessed.
• After witnessing, check to see if the exile believes that you understand how bad it was.

5. Reparenting an Exile

• Bring yourself (as Self) into the childhood situation and ask the exile what it needs from you to heal it or change what happened; then give that to the exile through your internal imagination.
• Check to see how the exile is responding to the reparenting.
• If it can’t sense you or isn’t taking in your caring, ask why and work with that.

6: Retrieving an Exile

• One of the things the exile may need is to be taken out of the childhood environment.
• You can bring it into some place in your present life, your body, or an imaginary place.

7. Unburdening an Exile

• Name the burdens the exile is carrying—extreme feelings or beliefs.
• Ask the exile if it wants to give up or release the burdens and if it is ready to do so.
• If it doesn’t want to, ask what it is afraid would happen if it let go of them.

• Then handle those fears.

• How does the exile carry the burdens in or on its body?
• What would the exile like to release the burdens to? Light, water, wind, earth, fire, or anything else.
• Once the burdens are gone, notice what positive qualities or feelings arise in the exile.

8. Integration and Unburdening a Protector

• Introduce the transformed exile to the protector.
• See if it now realizes that its role of protection is no longer necessary.
• If necessary, take it through an unburdening and notice what positive qualities arise.
• The protector can choose a new role in your psyche.
• Imagine yourself in the original trailhead and see if any parts become activated.

Take time to notice, feel and embody the positive qualities, emotions, and sensations!

Continue to check back with your parts!

Foreword

• IFS empowers people to trust themselves
• Change your “self talk”: Curiosity
• Transform your beliefs, not just coping

Introduction

• Heal pain, free yourself from old patterns, love yourself

Chapter 1: Personal Healing and Growth the IFS Way

• Sandy: Procrastination habit on projects

• Self-help books didn’t address the part of her that didn’t want to do it, the Busy Part

• This part was so powerful because it was unconscious: Can’t address it or talk to it

• Therapy 🡪 Attain intellectual understanding, but ignores the part’s own fears and motivations
• Why did the Busy Part come about? When Sandy made herself visible 🡪 She was bullied by others, bringing out the Embarrassed Child part

• Also, the Busy Part rebels against the Pushy/Critical Part and its self-criticism

• Solution: Integrate parts into a caring, cooperative whole through IFS

• Learn to access the true Self
• We can solve our own problems: Self-led

The IFS View of the Human Psyche

• We are not wholly sensible or rational, but rather systems of parts

• Parts have memories that drive needs which create emotions

• IFS 🡪 Access Self 🡪 Use my strength and love to connect to and heal troubled parts 🡪 Reclaim my natural strength and trust the leadership of the Self

Positive Intent

• Every part has a positive intent for me
• Not all parts are wise: Many have distorted perceptions of the present, or continue following strategies that aren’t applicable to the present
• A protective part only knows how to do one thing
• I shall welcome all my parts with curiosity and compassion.

• Build a caring, trustful relationship with the parts and the true Self

IFS Results

• Effective and efficient!
• Change individual issues or reconcile[?] them with the entire personality

What You Can Get From This Book

1. Understand and map my psyche with the IFS perspective: What drives me?
2. Work with and relate to my parts on a daily basis as my parts get activated
3. How to conduct an IFS session with myself to explore and understand myself
4. Be a more efficient client when doing IFS peer counseling with a friend that’s also reading this book!

• Structured step-by-step process

How to Use This Book

• Read and do the exercises, connect the concepts to me
• Recommended: Perform IFS practice sessions on a regular basis

• Easier to do with a peer, especially at first

• Life-changing work

Who Can Benefit from the Book

1. Work through any psychological personal issues
2. Find personal growth
3. Help with choosing therapy/a therapist
4. Self-therapy for those who have been burned by therapists
5. Self-therapy for people of low socioeconomic status
6. Get help understanding IFS when already in IFS therapy
7. Psychotherapists themselves
8. IFS therapists themselves

Safety

• The process respects all pain and trauma, and approaches them slowly and safety
• This book is not a substitute for full psychotherapy

• When encountering unusual or intense reactions, stop

Summary

• The IFS perspective is powerful
• We all have parts
• Accessing the true Self brings healing

Chapter 2: Your Internal System: Summary of the IFS Model

• A psyche is divided into subpersonalities, or parts

The Power of Subpersonalities

• Parts: Entities with their own feelings, beliefs, memories, motivations

• Not just learned patterns or habits, but (unconscious) motivations
• When you treat them as real entities/personalities 🡪 they will respond that way

• The Self is powerful and important

• Relate to parts from my Self

• The most important relationships are between protector parts and pained child parts/exiles

Roles

• Each part has a role and tries to advance my interests

• Many are helpful
• Others are extreme roles: Dysfunctional, cause problems

• 2 types of extreme parts: Protectors and exiles

Protectors

• Protectors: Parts that protect me from feeling pain
• They arrange my life and my psyche around a comfort zone

• Bury childhood pain

• They are focused on the present, but their fears are influenced by childhood

• They act as if I am still in danger of those childhood threats

• Ex. The Inner Critic prevents childhood ridicule
• Ex. Distracting me from pain with unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Ex. Build “self” esteem by seeking external validation
• Exs. Control; rebellion; people-pleasing; staying quiet

Exiles

• Exiles: Young child parts that are still in the pain from the past
• The protectors try to protect me from feeling the pain of the exiles
• They often remain stuck at an age in childhood due to trauma and a lack of inner resources or external support

• A time I was frightened and powerless
• Can be stuck at several places (series of similar childhood incidents)

• Often take on beliefs or feeling tone[?] of family members
• Can be affected strongly by other external incidents: War, poverty, medical trauma
• Exhibit a wide variety of painful emotions and have negative beliefs about me and the world: “I’m unlovable”, “I blame myself”, “I’m inadequate”, “I’m in danger”
• Protectors push them away; they’re aware that I’m no longer in that danger

• I enter a present situation that is similar to the past situations that created those wounds 🡪 Old pain is reactivated 🡪 Protector acts to prevent feeling that pain
• Protectors may e.g. get angry externally; try to please people; or distract from the pain or dull it

The Self

• Our true Self is mature and loving, more than the collection of parts

• The Self can heal and integrate parts

• After I ask protectors to step aside, again and again 🡪 🡪 🡪 What remains after is not a part, “just me”, “It’s who I really am.”

• Energy gets freed up: Enter the “zone”, the flow state
• Self is the agent of psychological healing, wants to connect to parts and heal them

• The Self is

1. Connected: Connected to people, harmonious, supportive, connected to parts
2. Curious: Open, accepting, understanding, nonjudging of self and others
3. Compassionate: Kind and loving towards people in pain, supportive, safe and caring
4. Calm: Centered, grounded, can absorb pain without being overwhelmed

• This, the Self, is the agent of psychological healing in IFS

The Structure of the Psyche

• The Self is the natural leader: Has courage, perspective, creativity, and balance

• After parts heal and learn to trust the Self 🡪 The Self can lead, make decisions

• Parts are good for handling individual situations, but the Self provides larger direction

The IFS Process

• Important: Learn how to stay in Self

1. Choose a part to focus on (to make the target part), usually a protector

1. If I’m not seeing/viewing it from Self 🡪 Another protector is passing judgment

2. Access Self 🡪 Gain a genuine interest in getting to know the protector
3. Ask to work with the exile underneath that protector

1. Exiles hold the memories and emotions of the subconscious
2. Child exiles take on burdens: Pain and negative beliefs

1. Burdens “land on” the part due to past events
2. They can be released using IFS
3. Compassion and caring from the Self 🡪 Release burdens, heal exiles

4. The protector now has nothing to protect against: It can now relax and take on a new role

Transformation of the Psyche

• All parts cooperate under the leadership of the Self and transform into healthier parts

• Exiles are brought to the life and light
• The Self is at the center, guiding all
• Parts cooperate with me instead of going against what I truly want

Structure of the Book

• Step by step procedure for IFS sessions
• Learn how to work with parts activated in the moment
• Part 1: Stay in Self and get to know protectors
• Part 2: Get to know exiles and release their burdens

Chapter 3: Taking an Inner Journey: Example of an IFS Session

• This chapter provides example full sessions
• We don’t analyze these parts intellectually/logically, but rather separate ourself from them and contact them directly
• Be in Self while getting to know the part (grounded, separate)

• If I detect that I am not in Self 🡪 It means I am blending with that part 🡪 Ask that part to separate from me so I can get to know it
• If I feel judgmental towards the target part 🡪 It means I’m not in Self and blended with a different part 🡪 Ask it to separate from me/step aside

• Invite that part to tell or show me more about what it feels
• Ask what it is trying to accomplish (its positive intent for me) and how it does so
• Ask “What are you afraid would happen if you stepped aside instead of acting”?

• This acts a lead towards the exile it’s protecting

• Most parts want understanding and appreciation for doing their roles, so provide that

• Connection to them from Self 🡪 Parts trust and release their block on the exile

• Now, address the exile

• It is possible with IFS techniques to stay in Self and not be flooded by exiles’ emotions. This reassures protectors, and they can even help with it.
• The exile can feel its emotions, just as long as it doesn’t flood the Self with them

• Be in Self 🡪 Exile can rely on me

• Receive information/memories from the exile itself, its story and its feelings
• 🡪 Healing, reparenting instincts for the part to trust me and feel safe
• 🡪 Unburdening of negative feelings and beliefs, to release them

• Protecting the Baby (example), but still carrying burdens
• Parts are not defined by their burdens, but by their own intrinsic potentials and possible roles—after unburdening.

• Unburdening ritual: Where are the burdens carried in or on the body?

• Imagine releasing them to fire/water/earth/wind/light: Carried away or transformed forever by a basic, powerful element

• After the unburdening ritual is done 🡪 The part has room to embody positive qualities instead
• Exiles are unburdened 🡪 Protectors are free to release their burdens, protective roles, too

Summary

• IFS: Respectful, caring attention to parts 🡪 Open deep places inside 🡪 Heal parts by their relationship with the Self and with unburdening rituals

Part 1: Self and Protectors

• The psyche wants to avoid pain; it does so through protectors

• Protectors need defenses and must first trust you
• Be careful and respectful of protectors

• Start your IFS sessions with them: They are the most conscious, the most easily accessible, and you need permission from them anyway before accessing exiles

• P1: Access a protector part as the target part
• P2: Unblend from the target part
• P3: Unblend from any concerned parts
• P4: Discover the protector’s role
• P5: Develop a trusting relationship with the protector

• Sessions are not necessarily 100% linear or go in order of the steps

Ch4: Getting Acquainted Inside: Accessing My Parts

• Get to know my parts personally, experience them
• Determine which parts are involved with my personal issues

Trailheads

• Trailhead: An experience or a difficulty in my life that will lead me to interesting parts if I follow it

• A situation that gives me a strong reaction, an emotional or bodily experience, a habit, a dream
• It indicates a part or parts that have an extreme role, because

• 1. A part may misperceive a situation
• 2. A part may overreact emotionally
• 3. A part may act extremely or inappropriately

• At least one part is activated at a trailhead; usually, multiple are activated

Identifying the Parts at a Trailhead

• Examine an experience and the resulting behaviors for these:

1. Feelings: Emotional reaction(s) to the trailhead situation and specific attitudes

1. Includes emotional numbness, repression, and shutdown, or tiredness

2. Body sensations: Muscle tension, heaviness, etc.

1. Includes a deadness or lack of feeling in the body, and tiredness

3. Thoughts: Thoughts about the situation, about the people in the situation, or about the self; patterns of thinking

1. Includes blankness, confusion, or blurriness of thoughts

4. Behaviors: Actions or habits

1. Includes avoidance or procrastination of behaviors

5. Desires: Desiring something that’s missing

1. Includes a lack of desire, a threat

• One trailhead often activates multiple parts 🡪 They all try to influence your feelings and behaviors
• One trailhead may activate multiple similar parts—how do I tell them apart?

• I cannot separate them intellectually, only experientially: Feeling them

Step P1: Accessing a Part

• Begin by accessing a part that I believe will be helpful to work with in the session

• Make simple contact!
• Do it privately and close my eyes while doing so
• Focus on protectors

• Go inside and make contact experientially, through at least one of these avenues:

1. Feel its emotions, sense its desires and attitudes
2. Sense its body sensations
3. See an internal image (spontaneous or found/imagined)

1. Can be you with a specific body stance, emotion, or age
2. Can be another character
3. Can be abstract

4. Hear an internal voice speaking words/thoughts

• If the part is still unclear by now 🡪 It’s not yet fully accessed

• Get to know it better and it will become clearer

Activation of Parts

• In any moment, part(s) are activated because of my present situation, or of a situation I am thinking about

• Each part influences feelings, body sensations, thoughts, and behaviors

• How you access a part depends on whether it’s presently activated or not

• External situation, or internal memories and thoughts

• If an external situation seems dangerous to a part 🡪 It activates and takes over to act and protect me

Activation and Access

• Access a currently activated part by feeling into your body sensations and emotions or noticing voices or images

• Become conscious of it in the here and now

• Access a dormant part by activating it: Remember a recent time it was activated, and imagine being in that situation right now

• Again: Notice feelings, body sensations, images, voices
• This won’t trigger it as fully as the real external situation, but you can still access it well enough to work with it

• Muted emotions can actually be good, to prevent flooding

Accessing Parts from Current Experience

• Recall: Often, sessions are started by accessing a part that’s already known
• But, what if I’m unclear about the part? A muddle of feeling? Or multiple parts?

• Check inside and notice all feelings/body sensations/images/voices
• One will usually come up first 🡪 Access that part
• Then, ask/request it to step aside so I can learn about the other activated parts
• Repeat until I’m done with all of them!

Accessing Parts from a Trailhead

• Not just detecting them intellectually, but experientially
• Trailheads can be activated just like parts 🡪 Feel my full reaction(s) to the trailhead
• Check inside for all experiences 🡪 Access one part 🡪 Access another 🡪 etc.

Focusing on a Target Part

• Access a part 🡪 Now use it to begin an IFS session
• Drop intellectual understanding, go in and explore it experientially

[Small gap in notes…?]

Ch5: Becoming Centered: Unblending from a Protector

• Activate a part, yet remain in Self instead of blending with it
• How do I feel towards the part? Ask myself

• Often, this alone achieves unblending, because I can’t be the part if I feel something towards the part 🡪 Be the Self instead

• If asking itself doesn’t yet unblend:

1. Ask the part to separate from me so I can understand it.

1. Not asking it to go away, but just to separate so I can stand back and connect with it, understand it
2. Other phrasing I can use: Ask it to contain its feelings; ask it to not flood me with its feelings; ask it to move out of my body
3. Just do this for a few minutes so I can understand it
4. If it says no: Ask “What are you afraid would happen if you separated from me?”

1. If it’s afraid that I’ll push it away or ignore it: Reassure it that I want to get to know it, and that is why I want to separate
2. If it’s afraid I’ll do something dangerous or foolish if it separated: Reassure it that I only want it to separate for a few minutes during this session, and it can perform its role again afterward.

2. Move into my Self more actively.

1. Imagine an experience of separating from it, grounding myself, or centering myself

3. Visualize the part as an entity separate from myself.

1. Even visualize it a distance away from me
2. Can help to draw or paint an image to represent it, or find one online, or to choose an object to represent it

4. Find a part that is opposed to that part or in conflict with it.

1. This reminds me that there is more to me than that part 🡪 I can then move to find Self

5. Perform the Self Meditation.

Sit quietly, with your spine relaxed but straight...
Close your eyes, and focus your attention on the sensations in your body...
You might notice tension in your shoulder, or pressure behind your closed eyes...
There might be a sensation of warmth in your chest, or a tingling in your hands...
Take your time, and notice whatever body sensations come to your attention.
These will probably change from moment to moment.
As you notice each sensation, take some time to feel it...
and be present with it in that moment.
If you notice your attention wandering away from your body,
gently bring it back without judgment.
Don’t worry at all if this happens more than once...
without judgment, bring your attention back to your body each time.
Allow your attention to move down into your belly.
Be aware of the sensations in your belly.
You might notice a fullness, or sense of softness, or solidness... or something else...
or even just sense the physical presence of your belly.
Relax into this...
Allow this to calm you and center you.
Be with your belly in a soft, open way.
Allow your sense of yourself to deepen.
Now, become aware of the sensations in your chest, and in your heart.
Allow your heart to soften a little...
to open as much as seems right at this time.
You might feel a warmth in your heart, or a sense of melting...
or radiating light.
Let your heart be open to all your parts...
all the different feelings inside you, and the different sides of your personality.
Allow yourself to feel compassion for them, and their struggles and pain...
even those parts that you don’t know about yet.
Welcome each of your parts, and extend a tendril of connection to them from your heart.
Now, gradually bring yourself back, and continue with your exploring...
keeping your sense of self as you go.

• Notice when blending occurs

• When I am becoming emotionally heated
• When I am perceiving the part’s beliefs and worldviews as my own, as my true experience

Ch6: Being Open and Curious: Unblending from a Concerned Part

• All parts are welcome
• Openness and curiosity 🡪 Healing and reconciliation

• Bring love and a desire to understand
• “My parts care for me, and I care for them.”

• May have a concerned part with concerns about the target part causing problems

• Target parts can be exiles (in pain) or protectors (protecting against problems and pain), and concerned parts are always protectors

• If I’m not sure I’m in Self: “Is it okay if the target part shows up any way it needs to? Do I see it as fixed in a certain viewpoint or image?”

• Instead of forcing myself to try being curious and compassionate towards it, really check inside to see what my actual attitude is, in order to feel out concerned parts and unblend them

Unblending (Strategies)

• 1. Briefly hear what a concerned part is feeling, then unblend enough to be open and curious about the target part

• Ask about its worries, listen respectfully, find its negative attitudes, and be open to understanding why it holds them

• Tell it I have sympathy for and understanding for its concerns!

• Then ask it to step aside to give me a little room

• Other phrasings: Relax, stand down, separate from me, step back, or allow me to get to know the target part from a curious, open place, just as I did for this concerned part
• Ask, don’t push! Be open to it saying no

• If it stands down 🡪 Check again my feelings towards the target part: Self or another concerned part blending?
• If I’m not sure whether it stepped aside 🡪 “Have my feelings or body sensations changed?”
• If the concerned part doesn’t willingly step aside…

• 2. Explain the value of it stepping aside

• It doesn’t want the target part to cause trouble, so when it steps back and I can understand it, I can then heal it so it won’t be a problem anymore

• 3. Reassure the concerned part

• Understand it fully and empathize with its fears: of the target part being stupid, destructive, dysfunctional….
• Respect their reasons for concern! I want them to trust me and work with me. They know best what they want.
• Reassure them I’ll handle the session safely, I’ll be in charge, and I can return to Self with my own strength.
• Tell them they don’t have to completely stand down, but can watch from the sidelines and jump in if they detect that the concerned part is overwhelming me

• 4. Change target parts

• Concentrated attention: Make the concerned part into the new target part
• If the concerned part won’t stand down, you have no other choice
• Does this part have a larger role? Does it have an exile that needs to be healed first?
• Start by checking how you feel with the new target part!

Other Types of Concerned Parts than Judgmental or Angry Parts

• Can have over-admiration of a target part, not seeing how it causes problems
• Scared concerned part 🡪 Move the target part to a safe space, or imagine it inside a contained room

Summary

• Determine if I’m in Self by checking how I feel towards the target part
• Non-Self attitude = The concerned part is blended
• Unblend by asking the concerned part to step aside; if it’s reluctant, reassure it

Ch7: Knowing Yourself: Discovering a Protector’s Role

• Intellectual approach = Guesswork and theory, no direct contact or experience
• Emotional blending = Learn more immediate, but danger of getting lost in it
• IFS: Learn through emotional experience, but from Self
• Find protector’s role: emotions, concerns, beliefs

• What do you feel?
• What are you concerned about?
• What is your role? What do you do to perform it?
• What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?
• What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t?
• What makes you feel X?
• How do you relate to people?
• How do you interact with other parts?
• What do you want?
• How do you feel about X emotion?
• What do you want for me?
• Follow up on interesting answers!
• Let the protector part reveal itself how it wants

• Other than internal voice: Body sensations or emotions, details; image, details

• Things may change about the part
• Emphasis on direct knowing
• Multiple channels to communicate with it
• If the sensation/contact is vague, be open and interested in it and wait for it to continue revealing itself
• Name the parts

• All protectors have positive intent for me

• 2 kinds of protectors: (1) external protection (2) internal protection
• Protectors are not my enemies: They’re doing their best to protect me from harm and pain, they’re just misguided

• Ending an IFS session: Thank the protector and reassure them I’ll come back; thank all concerned parts that came up; “Any last words?”
• Avoiding doing the exercises? A hidden protector doesn’t want to do the exercises, wants to hide strong emotions? 🡪 Do sessions with that protector, that feeling of avoidance
• Can also talk to protectors when activated in real time during life situations

Ch8: Befriending Yourself: Developing a Trusting Relationship with a Protector

• Love yourself = Love each of your parts
• Connect with protectors so that they trust you, trust Self (strength and compassion)
• Express appreciation for them doing a tiring, thankless job with good intentions

• Tell them and make sure they know that I understand and appreciate them

Mistrustful Parts

• Be sure the part you’re working with is aware of you, and not stuck in the past
• If the part is mistrustful of you?

• Either a concerned part is blended with you and blocking this work, or the part itself doesn’t trust your Self
• Reason 1: Blending with a concerned part and judging that part as the concerned part, not relating to it from Self

• Ask the concerned part to step aside, or refer to part 6 for more about unblending from a part

• Reason 2: There is a history of betrayal here, and the part doesn’t trust ANYONE

• Be sensitive, respectful, and patient
• Continue to give the part gentle attention, without placing any expectations on it or hurrying it up

• When it wants to talk, ask what it doesn’t trust
• Does it not trust that you care about it? That you are strong enough to handle whatever comes up? That you might attack, abandon, or dismiss it?
• What happened to make it feel mistrustful?

• Listen and understand

• Be in Self, be patient, and explore why the part doesn’t trust you

Getting a Part to Relax in Real Time

• Approach from a cooperative place, safely, let it set the terms of the engagement
• Activated protector 🡪 Help it relax in real time

• Check for blending: Remind it you are an adult in Self

Ch9: Keeping Sessions on Track: Detecting Parts that Arise

• Stay on track with the session, while being open to parts that arise: “Parts detection”

• If another part blends with you, the most common reason is that it’s a protector stopping you

• 1. Detecting judgmental parts

• The most common type of concerned part is parts that judge the target parts
• Notice how I feel towards the target part
• If I am suddenly not in Self but feel judgmental towards my target part, that’s a judgmental part
• Unblend!

• 2. Detecting avoiders

• Impatience, boredom, distraction with something else during sessions
• Avoiding emotions, space out, become confused or lost or don’t remember
• Or losing touch with the target part
• Or procrastinating, forgetting, or doing other things instead of going through with the process
• Remember: You can not do IFS “badly”!
• Just access the protector responsible
• Come back later

• 3. Detecting intellectualizers

• Analyzing the target part from an intellectual part, not letting it speak for itself through messages, thoughts, body sensations, emotions
• Remind the intellectualizer that it will be very helpful and useful in the future, but that intellectualizing about parts now may derail the process

• 4. Detecting impatient parts

• Parts try to give an extra push to hurry up, do the work, feel better

• But do not trust the process or let you give yourself as much time as you may need

• Impatient with protectors and centered parts
• Not open to the session happening however it will
• Know all parts involved so you can make progress!
• Reassure it as you would any other

• 5. Detecting inadequate parts

• Feeling hopeless, that you can’t do it
• Reassure them: You can’t do IFS “badly”, there just may be protectors in the way
• Ask it to step aside

• 6. Detecting skeptics

• Feeling doubtful, that the process won’t work
• May have a real concern about the process’s efficacy, or may be disguising its own fear with skepticism
• Ask what it is doing, and what it’s afraid of

• Learn about its positive intent and its underlying motivations

• May itself need a session

Detecting Exiles

• You’re talking to a protector, and then the answers start sounding different, as if they come from a different part

• May be talking to the exile behind the protector!!

• Exiles hold the vulnerable emotions: Shame, fear, sadness, hurt
• Ask them to wait until after you’re done with the protector

Keeping Track of Your Thread

• If you’re being pulled to many different parts by strong emotions 🡪 Can’t stick with one to understand or connect with deeply
• Plan to stay with target part, unless there’s a good reason to switch to another

• If the concerned won’t part won’t wait now (ask them), listen to them, then go back to target part

Changing Target Parts

• Good reasons to change targets:

• If a concerned part blocks work with the target and does not step back
• If the new part is a bigger issue in your life
• If the new part insists on being heard now
• If a hard-to-access part becomes particularly open, and you don’t know when you’ll get another good opportunity

How to Tell One Part from Another

• A part can have multiple emotions; multiple parts can have the same emotions
• Different: Felt sense of identity; intuition; feeling into it

• Or, asking it

Dealing with Overwhelm

• Slow down, breathe, feel the breath in your belly and your legs/feet heavy on the ground
• Take your time, focus on just one experience or emotion at a time, let each of them speak

• Then choose one, ask the others to step aside

Acknowledging All Parts

• Too focused on the target, push aside your other parts 🡪 May miss a relevant part to the target part AND may alienate the other parts

• All parts are welcome!

Continuing Work in a Subsequent Session

• Re-access the part, review your notes of the target part (and concerned parts), re-activate

Part II: Exiles and Unburdening

• Protectors won’t relax fully or let go of their roles until the shielded exile is healed

• Ask permission to work with the exile 🡪 Heal the exile 🡪 Back to the protector!
• Explore and transform their pain

• Get permission 🡪 Listen to the exile’s pain from a compassionate place 🡪 Witness childhood origins of the pain 🡪 Reparent the exile 🡪 Take it out of the childhood state or situation 🡪 Help release the pain 🡪 Positive qualities!

Ch10: Being Allowed In: Gaining Permission to Work with an Exile

• Always get permission from the protectors first!!

How to Discover the Exile Being Protected

• Find the exile’s emotions while working with the protector

• Hear them; see them; ask the protector what they fear

Asking Permission to Get to Know the Child Part

• Check if there are other protectors for that exile, too
• Cooperative approach
• The exile is already feeling pain, just get permission from the  protectors to work with it to relieve the pain that already exists (helping relieve their role too)

Addressing the Protector’s Fear (in order to receive permission)

• Remind the protector that they are in charge

• I will pay attention to them and listen to them

• “What are you afraid will happen (if you step aside)?”

• 1. The pain from the exile is too much, and you can’t handle it

• Validate that the exile’s pain is great—and you’ll stay grounded in Self
• You don’t need to be defended by the protector, and you won’t get swallowed by the exile’s pain
• Also, if the exile blends with you and you feel the pain greatly 🡪 You know how to unblend
• Also, ask the protector to help you notice blending and to help with unblending

• 2. There is no point to revealing the exile, and you can’t heal it

• “I can, using IFS. It has worked for others, it will work for me. May I simply try?”

• 3. The protector doesn’t want to disappear if its role is no longer necessary

• Remind them that once their current role becomes unnecessary, they are free to choose a new role, one that truly embodies who you are (Self)

• 4. You will harm, reject, or attack the exile (or someone else in your life will)

• First, check if you are blended with a concerned part instead of fully in Self (because if so, that protector’s concerns are valid; go unblend!)
• If in Self, reassure the protector that you care about the exile and want the best for them
• Also: Tell them you only want permission to work with the exile for now and it can go back to protecting later

• 5. The part doesn’t trust your competence

• Can ask them why/what specifically
• “I am learning and practicing and will be careful, and I will unblend from parts”

• 6. The exile will reveal a dangerous secret

• Validate that this was an important concern during childhood
• Then remind them “I am an adult now; I am safe; I am in Self”

• 7. A dangerous protector will be triggered to protect the revealed exile

• Access and work with that protector!
• Get their permission first, to soothe the concerns of this protector

• In short: Find what the protector is afraid of will happen if they step aside and reveal the exile. Then, reassure them that you will handle the situation safely, from Self.
• Protector is still stubborn?

• Remind them that they are always in charge
• Remind them you respect them, and you want to cooperate with them
• Or: Offer them hope for a new role, a more rewarding job

After Obtaining Permission to Work with the Exile

• Check for other protectors for that exile
• Protectors that get re-activated by exile pain/blending can be re-triggered out 🡪 Ask about their new fear and reassure them again

• If they keep jumping in 🡪 Talk to the exile about unblending from it before asking the protector to step back

• Still no permission, or continuous protector interruption 🡪 Can’t do it alone?? May need support from a therapist?

Ch11: Uncovering Your Pain: Getting to Know an Exile

• When an exile gets activated, often the protector is, too

• Exile = Subconscious emotions
• Protector = Behaviors that result

Getting to Know an Exile

• E1: Accessing an Exile: Sense, emotionally experience, or get an image of the exile
• E2: Unblending

• 2 dangers: The exile will flood you with its pain, or it will avoid the pain for fear of flooding/blending

• Reliving the trauma
• Protectors usually see when blending is happening and automatically block it

• Stay in Self and relate to the exile instead of becoming them

• 🡪 Also stay free of protector blockage
• Stay compassionate and Self-directed!

The Unblending Process

• If you notice the exile’s strong emotions in you 🡪 Unblend, return to Self ASAP!
• Maybe even start off with an unblending agreement

• Ask them not to flood you with its emotions and pain so you can be there for them and help them

• Other phrasings: Ask them to contain their feelings; to not overwhelm you; to stay separate from you
• If I stay in Self, I can hear and help them from a solid place
• Simply keep separate from me, but still allow me to feel some of those emotions

• No 🡪 “What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t blend?”

• Usually they fear being exiled or ignored again
• Remind them:

• “I am going through the IFS process”
• “I am stronger now”
• “This time is different! I’ll stay with you!”
• “…but I have to be in Self to do so.”

• Still no 🡪 I step back; do a grounding meditation; visualize her at a distance from me in other to unblend

• Later, return to them, get closer again

• Unblend 🡪 Take a minute to experience and solidify my sense of Self

• Be with it, embody it truly

Conscious Blending

• Can still feel grounded while also consciously choosing to blend with the exile?

• Sometimes you may want to experience the pain directly, in Self and consciously blended with exile (and without protectors)
• For this to be helpful, the blending must be safe and productive

• A.k.a. don’t dive in and retraumatize yourself

• Know how much you can tolerate in compassionate Self

Unblending from Concerned Parts

• Check how I am feeling towards the exile
• Concerned part is blended 🡪 Ask it to step back 🡪 Ask what they are afraid would happen if they didn’t blend, or what negative feelings they have

• 1. They are upset with the exile because it causes problems

• “I want to unburden and heal the exile, so they’ll stop being a problem”

• 2. They are judgmental towards the exile (ex. introjected/internalized parts of parents)

• Talk to them, explore how their views of the exile are not concrete truths
• Also, the exile’s emotions aren’t their fault, it’s because of the original childhood situation/memories that they hold

The Importance of Compassion

• Not just separate from the exile and be in Self, not just be curious and open as with protectors, but must be compassionate and connected

• Witnessing an exile’s excruciating pain from Self 🡪 Natural compassion feelings arise, if not blocked by a protector

• Empathy: Resonating with feelings (of pain); different from…
• Compassion: Feeling loving kindness towards someone in pain

• Often, feeling empathy leads to feeling compassion, but there is a difference

• Feeling empathy without compassion leads to the danger of blending with the exile and losing Self

• Compassion is being separate, but still caring and loving

• Compassion is crucial to facilitate opening and healing

• The exile is revealing their deepest vulnerability

• Exiles hold the original pain and hurt, plus the pain of rejection/suppression for all the years since then

• Compassion is the natural Self response to witnessing the pain of child parts

• Check how you are feeling towards the exile

• Neutral? 🡪 Blending with a distancing, intellectualizing, or guarding part

• Ask it to relax 🡪 If no, ask what it’s afraid would happen 🡪 Reassure 🡪 Back to exile

Learning About an Exile & Developing a Trusting Relationship With Them

• Understand the emotions its feels plus the situations that trigger them

• Just listen, invite them to talk, understand them
• Ask questions too!
• Feel their emotions and sensations in your body

• Keep checking if you are feeling compassionate and caring towards them

• Keep communicating it to them, either in words or through your heart as a soft warmth
• Check if they are responding to this compassion and caring

• Check if they are aware of it, ask them to notice you

• Then communicate the compassion again

• Ask if they trust that you care about them
• They don’t trust you? 🡪 Trust issues, stay with them, stay patient

Ch12: Finding Where It Started: Accessing and Witnessing Childhood Memories

• Exiles carry burdens: Painful feelings or negative beliefs about yourself, about the world
• You must experience and witness the origins of exiles’ burdens in order to open them up for healing

Metabolizing Childhood Experiences

• Different experiences must be fully processed and metabolized

• Feel them, make sense of them, and integrate them into your personal narrative without a negative, inaccurate view of the self
• Not doing so/feeling stuck in them/feeling negative about yourself = trauma, burdens

Accessing the Childhood Origin

• Exile: Continued negative feelings in the present, triggering situations in the present 🡪 Help them recognize that it is in the past

• Ask them to show you the meaning of those feelings… the memories… how much time it took/it’s been… how you learned to believe that negativity

• Must come from the exile, not from intellectualizing/thinking
• Usually comes spontaneously, without having to ask

• Don’t see anything?

• 1. You might be looking for specific explicit memories

• Instead, be open to implicit memories, image fragments, body-held memories, etc.

• 2. You’re not yet in full contact with the exile, they’re not opened up

• Spend more time with them, their emotions, your inner state

• 3. The exile doesn’t want to reveal anything

• Reassure them that you’re an adult now and it’s not dangerous to you to witness those memories
• Or you’re in Self, you will keep yourself from being overpowered by those emotions

• 4. A protector is blocking you from feeling the exile’s emotions

• Ask what it’s afraid of and reassure its fears

Types of Memories

• Explicit memory: A clear recollection of a specific situation
• Implicit memory: A vague body sensation, image fragment, or awareness

• Only a partial sense of a memory
• Possible reasons for not getting an explicit original event:

• 1. Simply stay with the image to access the rest of the incident
• 2. A protector blocks the full memory

• Again go through “what are you afraid of?” and reassure

• 3. At the time you were too young to form explicit memories

• It’s a preverbal body memory

• Implicit memories can be just as important, and useful for healing, as explicit ones!
• Witness them too, and be open and interested in the exile revealing more

• Spontaneously, whenever they feel ready, however they want to

• You don’t need complete clarity/understanding of the original situation to heal them, though it is helpful

• Other types of memories:

• Generalized images representing your relationship with one person
• Generalized images of being treated a certain way
• Not a specific incident
• Generic memory: Represents something that happened many times, a pattern

• One “memory” that stands for all those incidents where it happened
• Similarly: One explicit memory can stand for all the other times

• Symbolic memory: A symbolic image-form of something that happened, like a dream

• Stay present with it, be open to seeing what unfolds

Witnessing the Childhood Origin

• Ask the exile to fill in as much as they want: Images, words, other parts
• Be a compassionate, caring, respectful witness
• Let them lead
• Try to receive both what happened then and how you felt then

• Stay with them, be patient, connect with them
• Witness any anger, too

• If they bring up a series of memories, slow down

• Make sure to concentrate on one feeling or issue, specifically

• One issue at a time

Feeling Understood

• Occasionally ask if they have finished showing everything important to you related to this one memory
• Then check with them if you really understand how pained they felt back then

• Check if they feel that you understand how bad it was
• If no, ask if they have more to show you, or if they don’t believe you understand emotionally when you believe you do

• Exile has a hard time trusting or believing that anyone will understand the pain? 🡪 Explore what happened as a child to give them this belief; sympathize with that pain; and explain what you do understand
• Or, you’re not actually in Self? 🡪 Unblend from the concerned part to fully open yourself up to your exile

Benefits of the Witnessing Process

• 1. Opens up hidden memories to heal them and to heal the exile

• Must open up the memory intellectually and emotionally, understand and feel the emotions (let the exile feel them)

• 2. Metabolize memories under the guidance and support of the Self

• Complete and integrate the experiences and calm down the physiological stress reaction

• 3. Fully understand the exile with Self

• The exile is no longer alone!
• The Self witnesses them, understands them, and bonds with them 🡪 Start healing them

• 4. The exile understands that their burden is from the past

• It’s not intrinsic to them
• It’s not the objective truth of what happened
• 🡪 Can release it and experience intrinsic joy, love, and worth

Witnessing the Childhood Origins of a Protector

• Protectors also carry burdens from painful childhood experiences!

• Exiles’ burdens are the painful emotions, memories, and beliefs
• Protectors’ burdens are their protective roles!
• Can develop later in life, but are directly tied to the original experience

• Before getting to the exile, you can also ask the protector to show the child memory behind its role

• Let your intuition guide you: “What are you afraid would happen if you stepped aside?” 🡪 Image/memory 🡪 Leads to the exile, which holds a different experience of the same incident!

Ch13: Caring for an Inner Child: Reparenting and Retrieving an Exile

• We cannot change the original traumatic experiences… but we can change the effects of traumatic experiences on us: The residues, the burdens
• Many exiles or inner child parts must be healed in unique ways
• Tell those exiles:

• You don’t need to do anything for me.
• I love you just the way you are.
• My feelings are natural.
• Allow yourself to listen… play… teach.

Reparenting an Exile

• The Self provides a new positive experience to replace the old painful one

• Memory 🡪 Pain and negative beliefs 🡪 Reparenting: Join the exile in the childhood situation as Self, be the support they needed, give them what they need through your imagination (new neural pathways) 🡪 Bring the exile into the reality of your strong present Self!
• Meet their needs in this moment right now, in this session

If I’m Not Ready

• Must feel genuine love, caring, and respect for them
• Must really feel like giving them what they need
• The Self naturally wants to do this

• If you don’t 🡪 Indication that a protector is blending
• Ask why/what they fear and reassure

• The Self won’t be harmed by the exile’s emotions
• Revealing vulnerability isn’t bad
•  The Self can handle anything just by tuning in to the exile
• It won’t take that much effort out of you

Reworking the Situation

• May need to change old memories
• Take action, imagine what the exile needs
• Hard? Evoke an image of a healthy father; or your father’s Self; or an image of an ideal father

• New healing relationship, new “memories”

Taking in Reparenting

• Check to see if they feel the care, love, comfort from you
• No?

• 1. They are stuck in the past and unaware of me

• Ask them if they are aware of you and notice you
• Move closer physically within the imagination
• Check into body sensations?

• 2. They don’t trust anyone, they can’t internalize the care

• Empathize with their difficulty in trusting you
• Stay with them!

• 3. They are fixed on being reparented by the real parent, not by me

• Evoke an ideal version of the real parent, or an imagined ideal parent

• Then spend some time in Self: Sensing and feeling the emotions and the experience of reparenting 🡪 Ground and embody the experience
• Then let the exile bask in the good feelings 🡪 Embody the experience

Retrieving an Exile

• An optional step!
• Retrieving: Taking the exile out of the childhood situation altogether

• Especially for situations in which they were abused/felt trapped

• Ask if they want to be taken out of the memory into a safe space

• Can bring them to:

• A safe space in your present life
• Into your body
• To an imaginary safe space

• Let them decide where to go

• Take them there
• Take along any other parts that want to be taken, too

• Be with them however they need you, and let them enjoy the safety and freedom and interaction within the safe space

• Check if they are really taking it in and feeling these safe, free emotions

• They express being afraid of going back to the traumatic situation?

• Reassure them that they never need to go back in there

• The present reality is different from the past!

• They don’t want to be retrieved

• 1. It may not be necessary, or
• 2. They are too attached to the past situation:

• 1. The exile is afraid of losing the parents/traumatic figures

• Tell the exile they can take any parts of the parents that they want, and leave behind the rest/the bad parts
• Tell them they’ll have you, too!

• 2. The exile is afraid the family will fall apart without them

• This is itself a burden (a negative belief about yourself)
• Go back and witness memories that taught this to the exile

• Unburden those, then try retrieval again

The Exile is in Charge of What Happens

• Check to see what the exile needs or wants 🡪 Guides the reparenting and retrieval processes

• They know best for/about themself!
• What they want might be surprising to you
• It is also healing them for them to take charge!

• Feeling in control, empowered, and safe

Follow-Up Reparenting with an Exile

• Reparenting and retrieving once aren’t enough
• Form a relationship with them and keep it up

• Ask them what they want from you over the next week or two

• Most likely: Don’t forget about them; stay connected with them; take time and care to check in with them
• Re-access them, check how they feel (connected, positive, disturbed)

• Repeat reparenting as much as they need
• 🡪 They get the sense that you truly care

• Give reparenting experiences in the moment, in situations that trigger them

Ch14: Healing a Wounded Child: Unburdening an Exile

• Access the exile 🡪 Witness childhood origins 🡪 Reparent 🡪 (Optional) Retrieve 🡪 Unburden the exile from what is not intrinsic to them

The Origins of Parts and Burdens

• Happy, healthy qualities + trauma 🡪 Burdens, exiles 🡪 Protectors to shield the exiles

Unburdening

• Internal ritual: The exile lets go of their burden, transforms, and manifests their natural positive Self qualities
• Name the exile’s burden or burdens specifically

• Their specific negative emotion(s) and negative belief(s)
• Only the one(s) relevant to this session’s particular childhood situation

Checking if the Exile is Ready to Release or Give Up the Burdens

• Ask!!
• If it says no, it’s not ready?

• 1. They need something else from you first

• More witnessing of childhood events
• More trust in your Self
• Fuller reparenting
• Complete retrieval
• Whatever it is, do it!

• 2. They feel attached to the burden and don’t want to give it up

• Ask what they’re afraid would happen if they let go of the burden
• Then, reassure them by explaining how you’d handle it from Self

• 3. The protector doesn’t want the exile to release the burden

• Ask what they’re afraid would happen if the exile released the burden
• …and reassure them!

• 4. The protector is afraid of being attacked in your current life

• If this comes from a past fear 🡪 Reassure them about that!
• If this is a present, ongoing threat 🡪 Address the threat in your real life

• If you can’t escape, you may not be able to fully unburden the exile until you exit the threatening situation and become safer
• “Sometimes inner work can’t go further until you make external changes in your life, even though this might be difficult.”

• Resolve any hesitation about the unburdening!

• Exile and relevant protectors must be ready

• Spontaneous unburdening: Sometimes, witnessing and reparenting (and retrieval) cause unburdening without a ritual

• Ask them if an unburdening ritual is needed!

The Unburdening Ritual

• Check how the burdens are carried in/on your body, or in an image
• Ask what the exile would like to release the burden to: Air, water, fire, light, earth

• Powerful elements are symbolic of carrying away or transforming your burdens
• Let the exile decide

• Give as much time as needed (as possible) until all burdens are gone

• Sense what those burdens feel like while they leave the exile’s body (yours)

• Ritual doesn’t work 🡪 The exile wasn’t actually ready for this, go back!

• Check what they still need

• They may only release part of the burden for now—that’s fine, do as much as you can now, come back again later

• Check to see what might be preventing it, ex. needs more consistent support from Self/over a longer period of time

After the Ritual

• Notice what positive qualities/feelings arise in the exile

• Free to become more!
• Take the time to really enjoy the feelings and feel how they manifest in the body

• Okay to blend with them and feel them deeply
• Self-esteem, value, worth
• Feeling good

What Is Required for Unburdening to Succeed

• Requires all these previous steps in the process:

• Work with the protector, receive their trust, and receive access to the exile
• Connect with the exile, witness its original childhood incident, make sure they feel understood by you
• Reparent and retrieve
• Exile must be ready to release the burden

• Entire sequence must be done for each exile and each important, painful memory

• Only release the burdens specific to one memory per ritual

• You must also follow up with exile to consolidate the unburdening (every day)
• Burdens can return to exiles, so continue to re-access your exiles and check if their burdens are gone

• If so, enjoy!
• If not, explore why the burdens returned

• The exile wasn’t ready to unburden completely? Other protectors at play?

• Also, remember to go back to the unburdened protector(s) too

Ch15: Transforming a Protective Role into a Healthy One: Unburdening a Protector

• The last step! The exile has been transformed, now the protector can be too!

Checking with the Protector: Aware of Exile’s Transformation?

• Re-access the protector, or ask them forward, and check if they’re aware of the work that was just completed with their exile
• See that the exile is no longer vulnerable and pained, and the exile has new Self qualities.

• If the protector doesn’t know 🡪 Introduce them in the imagination, in the body

• Ask the protector how they feel about what happened to the exile; ask if it feels that its protective role is no longer necessary, ask if it would like to let go of it (usually yes)
• If the protector isn’t ready to let go 🡪 “What are you afraid would happen if you did?”

• 1. May guard other exiles that are still burdened
• 2. Believes it is protecting the exile from being harmed by someone in current life

• Refer back to last chapter to see how to address this

• 3. Doesn’t believe the exile’s change will last

• Tell them you’ll continue to work with the exile to make the changes permanent

• Reassure the protector, assuage its fears, so it will let go of its burden (role)

Step 8: Releasing the Protective Role

• The exile’s burden is pain
• The protector’s burden is its protective role

• A protector’s role isn’t natural to it, it takes it on because it perceives a great danger

• A protector can simply let go of its role, or it can undergo its own unburdening ritual

• Ask what it wants!
• Same ritual process for exile: Find where the burden is carried in its body, then release the burden to one of the elements

A New Role

• A new role may emerge spontaneously, or you can tell it that it can choose any role it likes

• Healthy, non-extreme role

• Or, the protector may simply exhibit positive qualities rather than choosing a new role
• What it needs is to let go of its old dysfunctional role

Integrating with the Rest of the System

• Unburdened exile and protector 🡪 Integrate with the rest of the internal system, the internal family 

• This will affect everyone, every part

• Ask all parts if any are upset by the completed work and the changes made

• If a protector worries over losing the past defense mechanism 🡪 Reassure it that you in Self can handle whatever might occur without needing the defense mechanism, and you can care for triggered exiles in the moments they are activated
• Or a protector worries that it’s not safe to show the new positive qualities 🡪 Listen to them, then reassure then you’re not a child anymore and won’t be hurt for showing those qualities

• Or, plan a special session with that protector and work with it
• Prevent it from sabotaging those positive qualities

Testing Against the External Situation

• If you have time 🡪 Test the new changes against the trailhead that usually activates the protector, using your imagination

• See if the exile and protector truly are fully unburdened
• See if other parts get activated by the same trailhead
• Not triggered 🡪 Good! Notice how you feel in the imagined situation

• Take some time to enjoy and celebrate the positive changes!

• Does get triggered 🡪 Investigate!

• Exile triggered 🡪 Burden isn’t gone. Why wasn’t it released?
• Protector triggered 🡪 Role isn’t gone. Why wasn’t it released?

What Is Required for a Change in My Behavior

• It’s hard to predict how much inner work is needed for significant outward behavior change
• Fully healing an exile involves: Witnessing each significant childhood memory that created a burden + reparenting for each memory + unburdening for each memory
• Most outward behavior comes from your parts 🡪 Need to unburden those for behavior change

• One protector has more than one exile 🡪 Need to unburden each exile first before unburdening the protector

Healthy Part VS Self

• A transformed part can manifest a Self quality or role
• Tell the difference: Feel a sense of identity for a part

• In practicality: It doesn’t really matter whether a quality comes from a healthy part or from Self

Ch16: Supporting the Therapy Process: Tips on Working Alone, With a Partner, or With a Therapist

Tips on Working with a Partner

• Practice IFS on a regular basis with a partner, taking turns

• Social creation[?], see and understand
• Be supportive, inviting, present
• Schedule sessions to keep on track

• Explorer 🡪 Describe out loud what you’re experiencing and what questions you’re asking your parts
• Witness 🡪 Listen, sometimes facilitate

Responsibility for the Work

• Explorer 🡪 In charge of the session + responsible for what happens

• Conduct the session in a way that works for me: What pace, keep track of parts, where you are, what parts you’re addressing, how deep to go

• Self-guided exploration
• The witness can suggest but the explorer always decides

Stage 1: The Silent Witness

• New to the process 🡪 The witness stays silent until the explorer asks for help: He’s in charge and responsible, and will learn the process; I’m free of responsibility

• Give feedback for the session afterward

• Start slowly, get comfortable with the process before performing an active role

• Learn to be helpful gradually; you don’t need the burden of “knowing what to say” all the time
• Your presence and full attention alone are very helpful

• “Even if stuck or doing it incorrectly, let him struggle” until he asks for help

• He must learn to facilitate himself
• I may not see his situation clearly
• My attempt to help could actually harm

• Exception: If the explorer asks the witness for detailed help, for facilitation of the entire session
• Witness: Be in Self to help the explorer be in Self and feel supported

• Follow along
• Also, make sure to notice if I’m in Self, what parts become triggered by the interactions

Feedback After Sessions

• Witness gives feedback (sensitive and supportive) to the explorer 🡪 Both discuss
• Options: Personal responses to his work (brief and directly related to what came up), for understanding + normal/usual

• Positive responses to his work, for valued
• Ask questions for further understanding or to see anything you missed
• Mention any steps that were skipped
• Mention any deviations from the instructions for exercises

• Feedback not just on IFS content or psychological issues, but also on the IFS process itself (in a gentle, tentative manner)

• Help each other learn the method
• Ask each other questions about it
• Don’t force him to “correct” the process if not adhered to—he always stays in charge of his process—but just to offer possible help

Stage 2: Active Listening

• Reflect what the explorer’s feeling or experiencing 🡪 Make sure they feel seen and understood

• Can repeat their exact words back to them or use paraphrasing
• Focus on mirroring their experience exactly, not inferring or inserting things they didn’t say

• Reflect only occasionally, when it seems to facilitate their process

• 1. Help him go deeper or become clearer, especially when struggling with a vague experience or a vague sense of a part
• 2. Reassure him that he’s heard and understood

• This is important especially with parts that feel shame, and especially with exiles

• 3. If I don’t fully understand 🡪 Reflecting in the form of a question helps clarify
• Rely on my intuition to determine when to reflect and when to stay silent and let him process
• Call also reflect any observed voice tone, facial expression, posture, or gesture

• Give direct feedback, or give a sense of what he’s feeling (in a question)

• Correcting reflections

• Inaccurate reflections are still okay: He considers his experience and may feel into it more, to clarify it
• Explorer: Feel free to correct the Witness, it facilitates better understanding and active listening
• Stage 2: Reflecting and asking clarifying questions

• Being in Self as Witness

• The most important part of witnessing is being in Self: Feeling connected + wanting the best for him + open curiosity without agenda or judgment; let him take any direction; no investment in any particular outcome

• In Self = Empathize: Use emotional resonance to sense, not just intellectualize, their state

• Pain in a part 🡪 Compassion in me

• Caring, open, accepting

• No judgment or fighting, no matter how destructive or difficult their parts are
• “Fix” them with as much time as needed

• Let him go at the pace that’s best for him and his parts

• Empathize with his intense feelings, yet stay calm and grounded in Self

• Working with your parts as witness

• Start each session by taking some time to access Self
• Set an intention to notice my own state, notice when parts are triggered
• Part is blending with me 🡪 Work silently to re-access Self

• “I hear you, but now is not a good time.”
• If still too blended – Don’t say much; hear it out post-session

• Why is the part activated?

• (1) My part resonates with the part in the eplorer: Similar issue with emotion 🡪 Protector defense

• Take a silent moment to see it, then work with the part to return to Self

• (2) The part wants to be a good witness or helper: It wants to take away his pain ASAP, or it feels frustrated with him being stuck, or it can’tstand his difficulties, or it judges his “resistant” part and wants to push past it

• Or it wants him to do the IFS process properly/perfectionistically, but it corrects him too often, interferes with his flow, or makes him feel judged
• Or it wants me to feel valuable or prideful, but in doing so it takes control away from the explorer’s Self-guidance, or it wants to show that I’m smart and insightful, expand reflections into interpretations, or wants to be heard or contribute to him 🡪 Over-facilitate his session

• Take a breath, step back, and relax into Self. Ask my part to let go and let me respond from a relaxed place. He can take care of himself.

• Feedback with an active witness in Stage 2 or 3

• Leave 10 minutes after each session: 5 minutes to review the work that was just done, and 5 minutes on the witness’s experience

• Did you stay in Self? What parts were activated, how did you handle them? How do you feel about the active listening?
• Explorer: Provide feedback about listener responses. What was helpful? What got in the way? Do you want more of something in the future? Discuss possible improvements

• Stage 3: Full facilitation

• No restrictions on witness facilitation
• More active role, but the explorer is still in charge and is responsible for his Self-guided session
• I can help at times, but I am not required or expected to always help

• Facilitate only when it feels right to my Self
• I am not obligated to fix him, remove his pain, or get him unstuck

• I am his equal
• I am not a trained professional

• A silent witness provides supportive holding that is incredibly supportive
• Follow along on the Help Sheet
• Possibilities for facilitating:

• 1. Point out if new emotions, body sensations, or thoughts appear! They may indicate a new part
• 2. Detect that a concerned part may be getting in the way? Ask them to check if they are in Self
• 3. Detect that they may be blended with their target part? Ask them to check for blending
• 4. Suggest (not command) some questions for the explorer to ask the target part: “You might ask the part…”

• He may decline! That’s okay

• 5. Suggest which step the explorer might take next

• Can phrase it as “might ask the part X” or name an explicit step

• 6. Point out an idea you have about the exile or protector, if that will influence what happens next
• 7. When concerned parts come up, keep track of the original target part
• 8. Keep track of concerned parts and protectors that have stepped aside, then remind him about them later or at the end, so he can check in with each of them and thank them for their cooperation

• Creating a successful partnership

• Discuss if I want silence of active guidance; lots of reflection or a little; more direction or the ability to make my own mistakes

• What do I want different next time?
• What was non-helpful?
• 2-way discussion!

• What if the explorer’s part gets triggered by the witness’s response?

• 1. Part’s perceptions are inaccurate or colored by the part’s fears

• Explore and heal that part

• 2. Witness is blended with a part 🡪 Change

• Bring up concerns and feedback, from Self

• Bring up conflicts too: Resolving them enhances the partnership
• Speak for the part from Self
• Be in Self for conflicts.

• Tips on working alone

• Can work spur of the moment for an important trailhead
• Can be empowering to work alone
• But, needs more in Self, more stability
• Recommended to learn the IFS process with a partner, then practice by yourself
• 1. It can be a challenge to stay focused and keep track of parts

• Be clear with my intention on a part or trailhead to focus on
• Also, write down notes about everything
• Or, do the session speaking out loud, and record it for posterity, to stay alert
• Or, write or type each step in real-time (may make it harder to close my eyes or go deep inside experientially)

• 2. Must be both my explorer and my witness, my Self must be healer and mapmaker

• Refer to the Help Sheet for each step
• Another idea: Healthy “therapist part” facilitates the session for my Self

• Monitor the steps, look for blending, watch for concerned parts, etc
• Enter my therapist part for direction, and return to Self for the actual therapy

• Tips on working with a therapist

• I might want to go to a practitioner for their: expertise, experience, stay in Self
• Can still work alone or with a partner in addition to therapy
• They will see things I might miss; they will have much experience with the practical side of sessions

• Blended parts, subtle protectors, and other dynamics
• Access to more advanced IFS techniques
• Give a caring, attuned presence that is comforting and healing

• Dangers: Giving too much power to the therapist, not Self

• Assuming she’ll fix me, instead of me fixing myself
• Not taking responsibility for doing my own work
• Not keeping track of or following up on my parts

• This is still my work, my psyche
• If something she says isn’t right for me, it is my responsibility to tell her
• Crucial part: Must have a good relationship with her and my parts!

• Talk about them!
• Especially talk about my parts’ negative reactions to her

• Suppressing those would poison the therapeutic relationship and undermine the entire process
• Talk about hurt or angry feelings towards her as soon as I become aware of them

• Open, trusting therapeutic relationship 🡪 Crucial support for my therapy

Ch17: Conclusion

• When the IFS process doesn’t go smoothly

• The process may not be as linear or straightforward as it’s outlined here
• IFS can check for difficulties, understand what is happening, and work them through

• Full grasp on process 🡪 Can always find your way

• Your development as an IFS practitioner

• Make IFS work for me and achieve substantive change with IFS through practice
• Do the exercises, and continue to do IFS sessions

• The skills and abilities of IFS develop over time—with serious practice

• At some point, I develop an intuitive understanding of the process 🡪 Doesn’t need to be as step by step

• I can still start with the steps and improvise as wanted
• Or approach the process completely by intuition

• Continued practice builds up skills and self-awareness 🡪 Improve my ability to detect parts that arise unexpectedly

• Greater understanding for the subtle issues
• Gain the ability to follow almost any trailhead to a healing conclusion

• Also: My inner system becomes healthier!

• Easier, more consistent access to Self, plus easier return from emotional flooding
• Teach my parts to trust in my Self to take the lead

• I trust IFS and my Self’s abilities to work through my issues

• Using IFS professionally

• Being in Self: Clients and I have to

• #1 is the client’s Self to their parts
• #2 is my Self to the client’s parts: Show them I care and I want the best for them
• Help my client’s Self relate to their parts and engage in the IFS process

• I must embody Self so that my client can perceive me as a model
• Openly curious and compassionate towards their parts; not in a rush past protectors; don’t get annoyed or judge their protectors
• Try to recognize when my part takes over, and silently unblend, return to Self

• Afterwards, give that part some time

• If the client has difficulty accessing Self early on, I must provide the Self qualities for them until they can on their own

• I relate to their parts from Self, only until the client develops enough access to Self that they can

• Trauma: IFS was developed for trauma.

• The biggest difficulty: While the client is accessing and healing the exile(s) from trauma, they may become retraumatized
• IFS’s solution: Unblend from the trauma exile, the client stays in Self and develops a relationship yet doesn’t blend with them

• …unless (1) it is safe (2) there is a clear benefit to blending
• Flooding/blending 🡪 Therapist helps the client negotiate with the exile in order to stay separate
• Help the exile understand that it will have a Self to witness and heal it when it refrains from unblending

• Emphasize being in Self when working with traumatized exiles

• If not in Self, retrieving memories of abuse and dealing with them is unlikely to lead to healing
• Self has all the qualities needed for healing!

• IFS is also helpful for defensive manifestations in trauma work

• Dissociation is a protector trying to keep me from re-experiencing my trauma

• Work with it in the same way as other protectors: Connect with it and reassure it I’ll stay in Self and not be flooded by exiles

• Polarization of parts

• We are often pulled in more than one way by more than one part in a single situation

• 🡪 Procrastination, indecision, “mixed feelings”, waffling, judging myself then defending myself against my own judgments
• Listen inside to hear arguments between different parts
• Involves depressive, anxious, and low self-esteem parts

• Inner conflicts come from 2 parts being polarized: feeling and acting in contradiction with one another

• Each takes an extreme stance
• Often becomes an unending struggle, producing intense emotions and counterproductive behavior
• Usually are both protectors guarding exiles; may even protect the same exile with different strategies

• IFS: Know each polarized part and develop a trusting relationship with each of them

• Both have good qualities to offer me, and both are trying their best to help me with the method they know
• Guide both in a dialog with each other, guide them to recognize positive qualities in each other, to cooperate instead of fight

• May have to first heal the exiles they are protecting before they can cooperate

• Key: Each protector trusts that Self understands and cares about its goal 🡪 Learn to collaborate with each other for me

• IFS and the Inner Critic

• Inner Critic: A part that judges, demeans, and tells me who I should be

• Undermines self-confidence, makes me feel bad about myself

• Self-esteem is my birthright, and the Inner Critic is one of the greatest challenges to this.

• It’s usually composed of multiple self-judging protectors with different operations
• 7 types of Critics!

• Protector parts that are trying to help me; connect to them from Self
• Can develop the Inner Champion to support and encourage me in its place

• IFS with couples – and their difficulties

• Couples often get into protector wars, exhibiting behaviors that trigger each other’s exiles then their protectors
• Use IFS to identify all the parts involved 🡪 Work with each separately

• Heal exiles and help protectors let go of their roles 🡪 Calm the exiles, let protectors relax 🡪 Begin to access Self 🡪 Can relate to each other from Self, and recognize when a part becomes triggered
• Speak for the part in a neutral tone, rather than blending with it and acting out

• Take responsibility for my part’s reactions, and don’t inflame my partner’s protectors
• Stay in Self to have a productive conversation

• IFS with groups, families, and organizations

• Idea for IFS: Families are systems of people 🡪 People are systems of parts

• Systems perspective: Parts of a system are related to each other in important ways

• Some parts protect against others; some are polarized with others; some are allied with others

• Groups and organizations are also systems: Who are the exiles and who are the protectors in the larger system?

• Group of people pushed aside, invisible, not influential VS group of people in power, guarding against certain outcomes they think would be harmful using maladaptive practices, often influenced by past events in the organization’s history, out of touch with the present

• You also see polarization, 2 subgroups fighting each other for power
• IFS-oriented management consultants reveal the dynamics and help them understand how to intervene
• Also: Coaches use IFS to help people heal their parts to function better at work

• Less emphasis on healing exiles’ pain, and more on understanding and connecting with protectors to modify problematic behavior

• IFS and spiritual development

• The Self has spiritual qualities and connections to God, Essence, Buddha Nature, etc. The Self is all that!

• Most psychotherapy deals with the ego and doesn’t recognize the Self under psychological issues of everyone
• Liberate the Self from parts: Acceptance and compassion for all = Spiritual practice!

• The basis of all inner activity is love
• Acceptance and compassion for others’ parts, too! Connection to all, open hearts

• Spiritual practice (e.g. on gratitude) can open up spiritual qualities, but to truly access them even in hard times, you must get through the protectors that block those qualities

• Fully liberate protectors’ roles by unburdening the exile, then the protector 🡪 Naturally exhibit positive spiritual qualities

• Focus on the parts blocking a spiritual quality that you’d like to improve

• IFS and social transformation

• Systemic problems 🡪 Societal breakdowns 🡪 New stage, new culture

• Openness, inclusiveness, connection, cooperation, inner awareness, spiritual development, intuition, awareness of emotions, and true participation in society
• Contrast with the old “rational” control and programming

• Personal and cultural growth
• Understanding, compassion, and cooperation between all

That’s it!!

…

Just kidding.

Self-Therapy Volume 2: A Step-by-Step Guide to Advanced IFS Techniques for Working with Protectors

Introduction

• This book includes a few chapters lifted from the author’s Negotiating for Self-Leadership in IFS and Resolving Inner Conflict

Appendix C: Introduction to the Pattern System

[not typed]

Ch1: Tracking Your Sessions and Parts [Is Recommended!!!!]

• It’s useful to track sessions and parts because

• 1. State-dependent memory means you might forget about it soon after exiting Self or exiting the session
• 2. It helps you follow up with your parts afterward
• 3. Can easily pick back up at the exact IFS step from last session

• Take notes on each session, right after each session.
• 1. Notes on sessions

• Each session: Keep track of the main parts worked with; what happened; how far you got in the IFS process

• 2. Notes on parts

• Create an info sheet on each significant part, too: You will come back to them, maybe months apart!
• Protectors: Name, age, behavior, emotion, body sensation, beliefs, image, activated in X situation/people, blocks Y healthy feeling/behavior, trying to get Z, is afraid A would happen, modeled a B person, constructive aspects, polarized with C part, allied with D part, protects E exiles, progress in the IFS process
• Exiles: Name, age, behavior (if blended), emotions, body sensations, beliefs, activated in X situation/people, blocks Y (if blended), modeled on B person, constructive aspects, history, polarized with C part, protectors, progress in IFS

• Brings out important aspects; think about different things!

Ch2: When to Switch Target Parts

• When a new part pops up 🡪 Always at least feel its emotions and body sensations, + ask it a question or two

• Then, decide whether or not to switch

• Reasons to switch target parts

• 1. A concerned part or protector won’t step aside. You literally have no choice. Get this part’s trust in order to ask it to step aside, then switch back to the original target part.
• 2. An important new part arises. “I really want to change the feelings and behaviors of this new part, it’s more relevant in my life right now.” Tell the original target part that I’ll return in the future.
• 3. A part arises that is usually not accessible. This new part is unusually vivid and alive, and this is a golden opportunity to work with it—I want to take it!!
• 4. A part insists on being heard RIGHT NOW. This part wants attention and doesn’t wanna step aside. Maybe it feels ignored, or maybe it’s very triggered. It’s probably better to pay attention to it now. Let the original target know you’ll come back!
• 5. The target part is afraid of another part. For example, protector A is afraid of X behavior/reaction. Ask yourself: Is the fear of X realistic? If unrealistic: Work with and transform protector A. If it is realistic: Switch attention to protector B that’s responsible for X, transform it, then go back to protector A.
• 6. The target part takes orders from another part. The target part itself is just a follower of orders and doesn’t know what it’s trying to accomplish. Talk to the leader instead!

• Reasons to stay with the original target part even if a new part arises

• 1. I want to finish with the target part. It is usually best to focus on a single part at a time rather than switching between multiple different parts.
• 2. I haven’t finished with any parts yet. In the early stages of IFS, teach your system what is possible with the full method: Exiles can be unburdened, and protectors can let go of their roles. Highly suggest completing at least one exile unburdening without waiting too long. When parts realize that change is possible for them, they start to cooperate!
• 3. The target part feels ignored by me. I need to build more trust with them, give them attention. Switching parts would feel like abandonment. So, stay with it!

• Therapists, leave the choice to clients.