Suedom

by Andy and Saphie

Chapter Eight:

The 'Sues of Rohan

Kate jumped into the air with a small shriek as she noticed the Rohirric man, who was pointing his spear directly at her.

"Who are you, who dare trespass in the Riddermark?" the man asked, narrowing his eyes at the two.

"I…we…um…" Kate stuttered, quite sure her 'I like pie' line was not going to cut it this time.

"Oh just go away, my preciousss!" Kira snapped, tears still running down her face. "Gollum, gollum."

"Now see here—" the man started to say.

"SHUT UP!" Kira shouted. "My preciousssss, gollum, gollum."

"Kira! Quit that!" Kate scolded, looking apprehensively towards the Man. "What if he throws us in a Rohirric dungeon?! We'll be sitting ducks for the PPC!"

"Oh my God!" Kira screamed, suddenly looking horrified. "Calenmir! We left Calenmir in Mirkwood! She was a sitting duck!! She’s probably dead, too!!” With that she buried her face in her hands and resumed crying. "I hate this! I hate Middle-Earth! I wanna go home!" Kate squinted her eyes shut and tears leaked down her flawless cheeks.

"Make it stop…no more killing, please…" she moaned. “I want to go home!"

It may have been because of that perfection of Mary Sues that makes everyone always want to help them, or the man may just have been a nice guy, because he visibly softened at the girls’ tears.

"How fare you? Not well, I deem, from your bearing," he said, lowering his spear. He didn’t lower it entirely though.

"No," said Kate, wiping her eyes and sniffling. "Not really." She looked down at her weak hands and started picking at her perfectly manicured nails as Kira sobbed despondently. "We're sorry to trespass, really we are. We didn't mean to."

There was a brief pause.

"Okay," Kate conceded, "so we kind of…did…sort of."

The man nodded. "You have both been through some horrible peril, have you not?" he asked.

"You could say that."

"I have to take you to the King, for your trespass," the man informed them. Kate paled visibly.

"Should we go?" she whispered to Kira. "I don't think the Sue writers know too much about Théoden."

The rider, observing their scared faces, did his best to reassure them. "Worry not. As long as you are no enemies of Gondor, you have naught to fear."

"Okay, dude," Kate said. The man stared blankly at her. "Um…yes sir," she clarified, and the man started to lead them to Théoden's Hall. He made Kira and Kate walk in front of him. They were sniffling quietly, when Kira suddenly looked at Kate, confused.

"Did he just sssay Gondor?" she asked, and looked around at the grassy plains that made up what was obviously Rohan. Kate blinked and turned around to face the man.

"Um…this is Rohan, right, sir?" she asked when he turned.

"Verily," the man replied, looking at Kate like she was a few horses short of a stable.

"Oh good!" Kate said with a smile.

"Kate, I'm getting a bad feeling again…" Kira sniffed as they continued towards the Hall. "Why'd he sssay Gondor?"

"I don't know," Kate said, scratching her head. "They're not exactly enemies, but they're not exactly the best of buddies yet, are they?"

"Nope. The Red Arrow hassn’t been sssent yet, has it? And why isn’t he on a horse? The Rohirrim practically live on horseback. Why was he alone, too? I get the feeling that thiss place might be more affected than we thought…"

Kate whimpered.

But there was plenty before them to distract them from their fears. And as distraction was sorely wanted by the unwilling 'Sues, they took advantage of it.

Before them the flat plains of Rohan stretched off into the horizon, broken only by an occasional small hill or cluster of rocks. The long, waving grasses that surrounded them were fragrant and green, and it was hard for both of them to resist the urge to drop on the ground and roll around in the grass.

The sky seemed to stretch on forever here, and the sharp blueness of it filled them with awe. Coming from towns that were near large cities, and having only experienced otherwise when vacationing in the country, the two were used to hazy, building-lined skies, and muggy, smoggy air. Breathing clean air under a clear, open sky was something that was remarkable to them.

“Wow, would you look at thisss place!” Kira whispered, the scenery calming her down somewhat. She wiped her face with the edge of her sleeve.

“It’s beautiful!” Kate sighed.

A cool wind whipped around them. As they plodded through the grass, they stared at the sky and the land and were overwhelmed with the strange feelings that arose from it. The land was old, that much they could feel. It was old earth, and an old sky, yet everything seemed like it was freshly made and formed, like crystal that was just cut and given shape. It felt more real to them than anything else ever had.

It wasn’t long before they reached a great hill, with a road leading up to it that led past several mounds covered in flowers. Resting atop it was a great, wooden hall. The girls looked at it with bated breath.

“Welcome to Edoras, the Hall of Théoden King!” the Rohirric man said with a sweep of his arm. There was a glint in his eye, a mix of pride and eagerness to get back to the Hall. They didn’t blame him. It certainly was something to take pride in.

“Ain’t it grand!” Kira put in.

Kate nodded enthusiastically. "PJ just better do it justice in the Two Towers!"

Their fears had finally started to subside at this point. They were still afraid, of course, but if all the Rohirrim were as reasonable as this man, they knew they’d probably be all right. Besides, how often would they get to see something like this?

The road sloped uphill, passing thatched houses and various people going about their lives, and they started to trudge up the hill. It was tiring work, though they had to admit, as far as exercise went it was better than any thigh-master. It had a nicer view.

The man led them to the great doors at the friend and spoke with the other guards. Seeing that the girls were weaponless, they nodded and allowed their captor to take them in. They were greeted by the smells of roast meat and smoke and musty wood, and by many distracting sights they thought they’d never see.

"Kira, look!" Kate whispered excitedly, her eyes darting all over the Hall as she pointed at various objects and people. "Is that …omer? Wow, he's really hot. Oooh! Wormtongue! The creepy pervert! That’s gotta be Théoden on the throne, he looks all old and tired, poor guy. And…Goddess on a Stick!" she swore reverently. "It's EOWYN!"

Kira's eyes went wide and had this been an anime continuum Kate would have had stars in her own.

"Eooooowwwwyyyn!" Kira gasped. "She'sss my hero!"

“Mine too! She's so cool!" Kate squealed quietly, still pointing at the beautiful blonde lady who stood next to Théoden's throne. In her white dress she resembled a lily as much as a woman possibly could, but her poise and stern expression made one think of steel and ice. There was power behind this woman's loveliness, there could be no doubt about that. Possibly the most accurate way to metaphorically describe the image that Eowyn, Lady of Rohan projected to all those she met (and to the girls watching her) would have been to call her a flower of steel, a perilous blend of beauty and strength.

The guard looked at the girls with an expression of confusion on his face, but shrugged it off. He ordered them to stay where they were and went off to speak to the King and some other guards as to what to do with them. They ignored him and continued staring at their heroine.

"Do you think we could—" Kate started.

"Wait!" Kira cut her off, looking away from the White Lady. She was looking fearfully at a small group of travelers.

"Huh?" Kate uttered, twisting her head around to see what Kira could find that was more interesting than Eowyn.

"Who are thossse four guyss, and why do they look sso familiar? My precioussss, gollum, gollum.” She squinted and then her eyes went wide. “Whuh-oh… "

Kate's eyes grew wide with fear as the blonde member of the group turned around. "Oh no…"

"Fair maidens!" the blonde cried, and rushed at the girls with his eyes full of lust and desire.

They shrieked and their voices echoed through the hall.

"My fair ladies!" Legolas (for that was who it was, albeit disgustingly out of character) cried, kneeling before them. "Much aggrieved was I when you were stolen away from my palace in Mirkwood…"

Kate gagged. Kira’s left eye tic started up again.

"My heart sings with rapturous joy to see you again!" he continued, taking one of each of their hands. Kate slapped her forehead with her free one.

"Oh Goddess, I thought we'd escaped him! I hate seeing Legolas like this!" she cried.

"You are not the only one," a gruff voice said from somewhere behind the Elf.

"Huh?" Kira intoned, leaning around to see the speaker.

There was Gimli, leaning against his axe, in all his Dwarven un-Mary-Sued glory. And he was scowling straight at Kate and Kira. He had a remarkable scowl. It wasn’t just centered on his mouth and eyes; it beamed from every facet of his face (even from behind his beard.) His hard, dark eyes bored into them angrily.

"I cannot stand to see him like this," he growled, fingering the blade of his axe meaningfully.

"GIMLI!" Kate gasped, pulling her weak, white hand out of Legolas' grasp and pointing at him with it.

"You know my name? Funny, your kind usually call me 'that disgusting little hairy thing'," he said in a tense voice.

"No! Kate and I love you! You're one of our favorite membersss of the Fellowsship!" Kira protested.

"Our…kind? You've got it all wrong!" Kate cried, waving her hands as if to ward off the thought. "You're so COOL! That whole 'Let them come!' scene in Moria was awesome! You ROCK!" she grinned wildly.

Whatever reaction Gimli had been expecting from them, it certainly wasn't this. He looked at them with surprise, but before any of them could say any more, …omer and various other handsome Riders of Rohan suddenly rushed in around them along with Legolas and promptly attempted to woo Kate and Kira.

"Beautiful maidens who grace our hall with their beautiful beauty! If you would—" …omer intoned, grasping Kate's hand before he was knocked away by another man who echoed the same basic sentiments.

"ACK! Get away, you freaksss! GIMLI! HEEELP!" Kira cried as the wave of handsome males engulfed them.

"EEEEEE!" Kate shrieked wordlessly. Gimli considered the situation for a second, then rushed forward and pushed the men aside, leaving Kate and Kira on the floor, their eyes spinning.

"Thank you," Kate said. “Ooh, my head hurts.”

"Urgh…” Kira groaned.

"Who are you?" Gimli asked, narrowing his eyes at them. "You're not like all those others."

"We're not exactly here by choice," Kate said as she stood up, needlessly brushing off dust that was repelled by her protective Mary Sue barrier, when a female voice behind her made her stop.

"…omer, my brother, come to your senses!" it yelled. "Gimli, why do you defend these creatures?"

"Huh?" Kira intoned. She and Kate turned around very slowly…

Eowyn was standing right behind them, her sword drawn, looking quite ready to chop them into very small pieces.

To put things simply, she was pissed. Very pissed. And as it turns out, Pissed-Off Eowyn is a very, very frightening thing to turn around to.

"Meep!" Kate squeaked, and hid behind Gimli. Or tried to, anyway. It didn't work so well considering she was a good two feet taller than the dwarf as a Mary Sue.

"WAIT! We're not what you think we are!" Kira said quickly. Eowyn regarded her coolly.

"I have seen the likes of you before," she said, and her icy voice sent chills up the girls' spines. Yet even through her fear, Kate was unable to resist the urge to peek out from behind Gimli and whisper quietly, "She is so cool…"

"Sheathe your blade for the time being, Lady Eowyn," Gimli said. "I believe these two might be different from the rest."

Eowyn ignored him. She stared at Kira with unbridled fury. "You corrupt the minds of all, you steal our men, you cause them to act like fools!" She glanced at Gimli. "They have ensnared your mind as well, master Dwarf. Do you not see how the Elf looks at them?"

The four simultaneously turned to look at Legolas, whose mouth was hanging half open as he stared at them with eyes roughly the size of dinner plates in a way very unlike the real Legolas ever would have done.

"We're not doing it on purpossse, my preciousss!" Kira insisted.

"Yeah, it's not our fault! I swear! Lady Eowyn, we're not like the rest! We do not want to get into Legolas' pants!" Kate said from behind Gimli.

"We don't want him to like usss!" Kira added, and at this point, amidst the anxious twitching of her face, tears were threatening to spill. She didn’t like stress. She wasn’t good with stress. Her body quivered, as she dropped her shoulders, and heaving a great sigh, she seemed to break down. She collapsed to the ground and started moaning, almost to herself. "We don't want anyone to like usss! We jussst want to go home! I jussst wanna go home…"

"Your kind is fouler than orcs, the most evil to ever walk upon Middle Earth, and you shall pay!" Eowyn hissed, but doubt was forming in her gray eyes as she raised her sword.

"MOMMY!" Kate cried, sounding very much like a five-year-old who has had a nightmare.

"I misss my family," Kira continued in a tearful voice. "I misss my mom. I misss my dad. I misss my sissster. I misss my friendss…" She looked down at herself and wrinkled her perfect face in disgust. "I misss…I misss mysself. I hate thisss! I hate looking like thisss! I'm a sssixteen-year-old girl! Not thisss!"

"Mama, I want my Mama…" Kate moaned, and she dropped to the floor as well, rocking back and forth on her knees. "I just want to go home and give her a hug…"

The fury in Eowyn's eyes was gone, replaced with confusion. She lowered her sword slowly.

"You…you are children?" she asked. Kate sniffled and looked up.

"I'm only fifteen," she whimpered, " and I'm in way over my head, Lady."

"I'm almost ssseventeen,” Kira sniffled, “but I doubt I'll ever live to sssee my birthday." She gave a humorless laugh. “At leassst my parentsss won’t have to worry about paying for college now…”

"And I didn't mean to come here. I didn't expect it. I hate the way everyone acts around me. I'm scared!" Kate moaned, now crying unabashedly.

"It jussst…happened!" Kira sobbed, raising her hands and dropping them. "We don't wanna be part of thisss world! We wanna go home!"

"I know that's what they all say, but we don't want to be in this horrible, messed up version of Middle Earth! We only want to leave it in peace!" Kate cried, close to hysterics.

She was surprised when she heard the ring of metal upon metal as Eowyn sheathed her sword.

"It is not what they all say," the White Lady said.

"Really?" Kate said. She looked up and was surprised to see a sympathetic look on Eowyn's face.

"I have never met one of you that did not want to be here. They want to ruin things. All of them do…with the possible exception of you two," Eowyn said.

"Granted I would like to visit non-messed up Middle Earth, but only to see, not to change anything! Middle Earth is fine the way it is," Kate admitted. "Well, except for the whole dark-lord-wanting-to-take-over-and-make-everyone-slaves thing, that can't be much fun. But I can't do anything about that, and I don't want to get involved!"

Kira nudged her friend with an elbow, fearing that Kate’s confession that she wanted to see Middle-Earth would only set Eowyn off again. She had no reason to fear that, however, as Eowyn merely nodded. Staring at them, she seemed to come to a decision. She glanced at the males of the Hall, who were beginning to drool over Kate and Kira.

"Gimli, I need a distraction," Eowyn said quietly, and they looked up at her in astonishment. "We must get them away from here."

Gimli started to reply when the doors to the hall were flung open and two gorgeous women entered. One had long, flowing, brown hair that cascaded down the back of her green and white dress. The other had blonde hair and gorgeous purpley-blue eyes that sparkled like stars in the dim light of the Hall. They had perfect figures, pointed ears, and were unbelievably beautiful.

“Hammer and tongs!” Gimli growled. “More of them?”

"…omer, my love!" the brown haired Mary Sue called.

"Ah, my fair Rhowyn! My brown-haired Rohirric beauty, you shine like the rays of the sun!" …omer said, embracing the brown haired 'Sue and holding her close to his lean, muscular body. She laughed, her voice tinkling like wind chimes on a breezy spring morning and began to snog the nephew of the King violently. Eowyn glared at the 'Sue, looking more likely to breathe fire than Rincewind.

"'Brown haired Rohirric'?" Kate gagged, trying hard not to watch …omer and Rhowyn snog each other senseless and failing miserably. "Soooomeone's not paying attention to genetics."

"One of the few timesss they have sssome sssemblance of an excussse to be blonde, and they messs that up, too," Kira said, rolling her eyes.

"Lirimaer!" Legolas shouted to the other 'Sue. "My love, you have returned to me from your mission!"

"Yes, but alas, even I, the daughter of an Elf and a Wizard, could not stray long from my love! Saruman's Tower was too far to go without you, Legolas! And Pippin wasn't there anyway," the blonde 'Sue said as Legolas knelt before her. Gimli seemed to be gagging, although it was hard to tell what went on underneath that beard.

"I'll handle this one," Kate sighed, and much to Eowyn and Gimli's surprise she walked right up to Lirimaer.

"WHAT is your name?" she yelled.

"Lirimaer!" the 'Sue exclaimed, looking confused.

"Alas! How can I decide between my loves?" Legolas wailed, looking back and forth between Kate and Lirimaer.

"Shut up. WHAT is your quest?" Kate yelled at the 'Sue.

"To win the hand of Legolas in marriage!" Lirimaer said. "Or…perhaps Pippin or Frodo," she added quietly, with a short giggle. All the color drained out of Kate's face. Without warning she seized the neck of the 'Sues dress and twisted it around her fist, pulling Lirimaer's face dangerously close to hers. Lirimaer stared at her in shock. Kate stared back, the utmost rage burning in her urpley-wilver eyes.

"You stay AWAY from Frodo, you—you Mary Sue," she snarled in a malicious voice unlike any she had used before. "Or I will hunt you down and rip EVERY SINGLE HAIR out of your perfect head and then I will shove you down a garbage disposal and grind you into tiny little pieces and stick those pieces in a blender and grind THEM up and take THOSE pieces and mix them up with gasoline and set fire to them and dump them in a river and set the river on fire and—"

"Kate!" Kira shouted. Kate blinked, and the anger faded from her painfully colored eyes. Gimli and Eowyn stared at her, not bothering to hide their surprise.

"Oh!" Kate said, her voice back to its usual benevolent tone. She released Lirimaer, although somewhat reluctantly. "Right. WHAT…is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"The what what of the what?" Lirimaer said, beginning to look annoyed.

"You know! Where'd you get the coconuts?" Kate prompted her.

"What are coconuts?" the 'Sue asked. Kate stared at her.

"We are the Knights who say 'Ni'?" she tried.

"Sorry, who?"

"Kate!" Kira said, sounding utterly perplexed. "I don't think she'sss heard of Monty Python!"

Kate let out a small cry and keeled over. Kira slapped her forehead and groaned.

"ARGH! We don't have time for thisss!" Kira prodded Kate with her foot. "If you don't wake up, I'll persssonally tell Tom Bombadil you wissh to ssnog him and—"

"AAGH! I'm up, I'm up!" Kate cried. "No more bad mental images, please! We gotta free the 'Sue…"

But by then, Lirimaer had started serenading the men with something that might have been by Eminem. They were captivated.

"Perfect. Come, we can escape," Eowyn said quietly, pulling Kate and Kira towards the doors of the Hall.

"But we've got to…” Kate protested.

"Whatever it is, it will have to wait," Gimli said gruffly, pushing the Elf.

"Jussst keep walking, Kate. Thisss isss the perfect dissstraction," Kira said as Eowyn and Gimli herded them out of the Hall.

"Okay," Kate said, obediently shuffling out of the hall. Suddenly her eyes widened and she stopped.

"White," she muttered inanely. "Why do these damn robes have to be WHITE?!"

"Let'sss leave while we can!" Kira hissed.

"Come now!" Eowyn said angrily, pulling Kate's arm.

"I'm coming! I'm coming!" Kate said. "I kind of…have a problem." But she kept quiet as they left Théoden's Hall and climbed down the hill. Once they were a suitable distance away, Kate tapped Eowyn on the shoulder.

"Yes? What is it?" Eowyn asked.

"I…" Kate said quietly. Eowyn tapped her foot impatiently as Kate stared pointedly at Gimli and whispered in Eowyn's ear. "What do Middle-Earth women do during…um…that time of month?"

Eowyn started to laugh.

"You are indeed not like the others! They seem to think that bodily functions cease altogether here," she said. Kate merely whimpered, her face bright red, as a somewhat embarrassed Gimli tried very hard to be a polite Dwarf and not laugh. Eowyn led them to what was apparently the Middle-Earth equivalent of an outhouse and made Kate wait inside while she made a quick trip back to Théoden's Hall. Kira snickered.

"It'sss okay, Kate," she said through the door of the outhouse. "It'sss nothing to be embarrassssed about." But she was laughing as Eowyn returned with a small pack of white rags and, after opening the door to whisper to Kate the proper way to utilize them, shut the door again. She came out a few minutes later and sniffed at Kira.

"Hmph. YOU try walking around Middle-Earth during that time of month," she said. Gimli looked properly embarrassed for her as Eowyn handed Kate a small bag for the rest of the rags.

"You will need those later," she said as Gimli tried not to pay attention. Kira gave a low chuckle.

"I really don't like whoever stuck me here," Kate said, glaring at Kira. Suddenly the half-gollum's face took on a rather funny expression.

"Um, could you wait a second?" she said, and disappeared into the outhouse. It was Kate's turn to snicker.

"Shouldn't have drank so much Mountain Dew," Kira muttered as she closed the door.

After a few minutes, she came out, though she didn’t look embarrassed.

“When nature callsss, Kira ansswersss…” she said with a shrug.

"What are we going to do now?" Kate wondered.

"I believe you have some explaining to do," Eowyn said.

"To the both of us," Gimli added.

"Yes ma'am. Yes sir," Kate said meekly.

"Okay, but, um, can I wash my hands firssst?" Kira asked.

*****

Some while later, after Kira's hands had been washed and all the boring explaining had been taken care of, the foursome were sitting on the lush Rohirric grass.

"…so see, now we have to find this bridge…thingy…whatever and destroy it," Kate was just finishing up. Gimli shook his head.

"Unbelievable. You have no idea where this bridge may be, or what form it takes?" he asked. Kate shook her head no.

"But we have to find it anyway, my precioussss," Kira said. Kate restrained her hand, remembering their earlier discussion about brain damage. Gimli stared at Kira oddly.

"Sssorry," Kira said, hanging her head.

"Kira kind of has an…interesting lineage," Kate said, shaking her head. "You really don't want to know."

They stared at Kira oddly again. She sighed.

"Half-Gollum," she said bluntly.

"Eurgh!" Gimli grunted.

"Eurgh pretty much describes it," Kira agreed.

"What is Gollum?" Eowyn asked. “That name sounds familiar to me…”

"What is he? He’s scary, that's what," Kate whimpered as Gimli filled Eowyn in on all he knew about the corrupted Stoor. Eowyn looked at Kira sympathetically.

"Anyway…" Kira said, changing the subject. "We have a few questions to ask you. How did you stay…you?"

"I am short and ugly by human standards," Gimli said flatly. Kira laughed. "Therefore those…things do not notice me."

"Yeah, we Earthlingss are sshallow little bassstardsss, aren't we. What about you, Eowyn?" Kira asked.

"I rarely come across them," Eowyn said, glancing back at the Hall distastefully.

"Mary Sues, they're called," Kira explained.

"We really don't like them either," Kate added. Kira nodded.

"Not many seem to know of Rohan," Eowyn continued.

"Rohan is cool!" Kate interrupted.

"Thank you!" Eowyn said, smiling.

Her expression changed back to her normal seriousness. "Those that do…" She partially unsheathed her sword. Kate stared at her fearfully.

"Remind me never to annoy you. Either of you," she said.

"NO!" Kira burst out. "You can't kill them anymore!" Eowyn and Gimli looked at her confusedly.

"But you have seen them! You see what they do," Gimli protested.

"I thought you said you did not like them," said Eowyn.

"But they're all like us!" Kate said.

"What do you mean?" Asked Gimli.

"They're brainwashed!" Kate said, throwing her arms into the air for emphasis. This only confused Eowyn and Gimli more.

"They don't mean to be all 'Sueish, they can't help it. Someone else is making them act this way. They've tried to do it to us, too," Kate explained, but to no avail.

"Kate, they don't know what brainwassshed meansss," Kira reminded her. Kate thought.

"It's like…what Wormtongue was doing to the King," she said finally. Eowyn's face cleared.

"Ah!" she said.

"Yeah, they're all like Théoden King," Kira echoed.

"They're not in control of what they do. Someone else is controlling them," Kate finished.

"I see, but I don’t understand. Who would wish this upon Middle Earth?" Gimli wondered.

"That'sss what we're trying to find out. The Bridge, iss sssomehow doing thisss," Kira said.

"Stupid bridge," Kate added.

"And you were pulled across this bridge?" Gimli asked.

"Well…not exactly…" Kate said sheepishly, remembering how they had been playing with their dragons when they entered Middle-Earth. It seemed like so long ago that she had seen Odorf. She wondered where he was, and if he was all right…

"We sort of…imagined ourselves here…although…" Kira said, as Kate sniffled. Suddenly Kira's eyes opened wide with shock, but Kate didn't notice.

"And the PPC got my d…" Kate started to say.

"PPC?" Gimli repeated.

"Your what?" asked Eowyn, when Kira exploded. Figuratively, of course.

"KATE! The stupid bassstardsss!!! My precccioussss…" she screamed.

"Huh?" Kate asked, looking at her friend with confusion.

"The Authorssss!" Kira hissed.

"What about them?" Kate asked cluelessly.

"We didn't imagine ourssselvess here!" Kira wailed. "Well, we did, but we shouldn't have been able to!"

"Yeah, it's not our fault we ended up here! We were just playing with Rincewind and Odorf!" Kate agreed.

"Who?" Gimli asked.

"Authors?" Eowyn echoed.

"No! It'ss because of the Authorss that Odorf and Rincewind even exissst!" Kira explained. Kate gasped indignantly.

"Not Odorf! Odorf is my creation, thank you very much! And no 'Sue writer shall claim him! He's my dragon!" she yelled, then realized what she'd just said. "Oops…"

"Your WHAT?!" Gimli yelled, looking horrified at the thought of anyone associating with a dragon.

"But he wass only imaginary!" Kira went on. "It wass the Authorss who gave us the power to imagine thingss into reality! And then, when I tried to imagine myssself to somewhere else to sneak up on you…"

"You form alliances with dragons?!" Gimli yelled at Kate.

"It's not what you think! Really!" Kate protested.

"Something sssort of happened…something made me think of thisss place! I remember now! The thought came from sssomewhere outsside. The Authorsss wordsss were in my head, and causssed me to appear here and then you just followed!" Kira continued, despite Gimli's anger.

"Yeah?" Kate prompted her.

"We're not ssspecial at all, Kate," Kira said quietly, appearing to deflate. Kate blinked.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"We're not resissting the Author. From the very beginning we've been lisstening to them."

Kate stared. "What?"

"The imagining thingsss into reality wasssn't our own ability! The stupid Author gave that power to usss, purely to get uss here!" Kira said.

"Nooo!" Kate moaned. "But…how'd we get there then? How’d we get to the hatching grounds?"

"The Authorsss did it! We didn’t jussst magically acquire god-like powersss and accidentally imagine oursselvesss there and then here and get caught up in all of thisss—it wasss the Authorss all along," Kira said. “They made the hatching groundsss real! They brought usss to them! They gave usss the power to imagine thingsss into reality! And they put the thought in my head to imagine myssself to Middle-Earth, and probably the thought in your head to follow me! They’ve been sstringing usss along the whole time. That wasssn’t magic or anything, that wasss the Mary Ssue Authorss leading uss into the ssstory from the very beginning! We’ve been in their little sstoriess and part of their little game from the ssstart!”

"Then we're just random 'Sues after all…" Kate said sadly. "Wait, then why aren't we brainwashed?"

"Could we please go back to the subject of…" Gimli started to growl, but suddenly his expression changed from anger to shock and he jumped up, his axe at the ready. A familiar sound issued from somewhere behind Kate and Kira as Eowyn unsheathed her sword and a shadow fell over them…

"Snerk."

"Rincewind!" Kira yelled, turning around.

"MY EYES!" Eowyn and Gimli screamed, covering their faces in pain. Kate had taken precautionary measures and pulled her robes up over her eyes the moment she heard the dragon's snerk.

"What new devilry is this?!" Gimli cried as the dragon landed.

"That would be Kira's dragon, Rincewind," Kate said from inside her robes.

"It'sss urple. It’sss ssorta…bright," Kira understated, covering her eyes as the dragon landed and regarded them all. She wondered briefly why all the Rohirrim weren’t out there with spears trying to kill the dragon, but realized that they were probably too occupied with the Mary Sues in the Hall to even notice it. And even if they had seen it, they would have been idiots to take Rincewind on. How did someone fight a fire-breathing, razor-toothed enemy they couldn’t even look directly at?

"What in the Hell is wrong with you?!" Rincewind yelled.

"Huh?" Kira said.

"It's that time of month. So sue me," Kate said, and blinked. "Wait…bad pun…Well, you're one to talk! You're evil!"

Rincewind ignored her.

"I heard your conversation from the air. Of course the authors tricked you! You're too smart for the ‘fall into Middle-Earth through a hole’ thing, or the ‘get hit by a truck and wake up in Middle-Earth’ thing ."

"Oh. Thank you!" Kate said, grinning behind her robes.

"Which, in truth, surprises me," Rincewind finished.

"I'd kick you in the shins, but I'm not sure you have any," Kate informed her primly.

"Anyway, you're still both different from the others," Rincewind continued.

Kira hung her head. "Yeah, we're not dead. Like they are," she said. Kate whimpered.

"Cut the crap!" Rincewind snapped. "There's nothing you can do to save them!"

"But I had Fimalda un-sued! And we almost saved Elenna," Kate protested. Rincewind sighed.

"Even if you un-brainwash them, they'll rebound and become brainwashed again in minutes," she explained.

"Oh."

"Like Elenna…" Kira said quietly.

"Exactly. The Ent Sue would have too, but she died first," Rincewind said. “And I’m sorry for that. If I had been with you…” She broke off into a sigh. “I’ve been trying to find the Bridge from the air. There’s a lot to ground to cover. I’m sorry I can’t be with you, to protect you, but I have to keep looking. It could be anywhere on the face of Arda. There’s just too much ground to cover, and not a whole lot of time. I have to search the open land, and you have to search inside places, where I can’t go.”

“There’s just too much ground to cover, and not a whole lot of time.” Not a whole lot of time? Not a whole lot of time until what exactly? Kate thought.

With a thoughtful look on her face, Kira piped up.

"Isss Elenna…?" Kira asked, her sentence trailing off.

"No, don't tell me!" Kate moaned.

"Dead?" Rincewind said flatly. "Yes."

Kira hung her head again and tears started spilling down her face.

"I'm the one who sssaid to leave her behind…" she said quietly.

Kate sniffled. "But I promised…I said I'd save her…" she whimpered.

"You couldn't have," Rincewind said sharply. "You can't save any of them. Even if you unbrainwash them for a second they'll all bounce back and keep following their little stories." The dragon paused. "Until the PPC come anyway."

"And I liked the PPC. I'll never be able to read it again…" Kate said, wiping her eyes on the inside of her robes.

"How?" Kira said suddenly.

"How what?" Rincewind asked.

"How did they kill Elenna?"

Kate clapped her hands over her ears. "I don't want to know, I don't want to know!" she cried.

"For once, I agree with her." Rincewind shook her head. "You honestly don't."

"It'sss all my fault!" Kira sobbed.

"No, it's not your fault Kira!" Kate insisted.

"We sshould've dragged her off with usss!" Kira wailed, ignoring the Elf. “I sshouldn’t have ssaid to leave her behind. I wass ssso worried about covering our own assesss that I didn’t even think about what would happen if we left her!”

“Look, Kira, I didn’t think about it either, okay? We both screwed up. And besides, you heard Rincewind, there was nothing we could do anyway. She was a 'Sue. She would have been much stronger than us," Kate said, doing her best to console Kira. “We couldn’t have dragged her along.”

"I'm the one who ssssaid to leave her behind, my precciousss! Gollum, gollum! We shouldn't have sssaid that! We shouldn't have sssaid that, my preciousss! Gollum, gollum! We are ssso sselfish…" Kira cried, wringing her hands.

"There wasn't anything we could do…" Kate said again, but she didn't sound very convinced herself. "And— " She stopped and blinked. "You know, you're starting to act suspiciously Gollum-like."

"Kira sh--shouldn't have done that! Gollum, gollum—Ss ss—bad Kira. Kira wasss bad, my preciousss! Gollum, Gollum…" Kira said, wringing her hands fitfully. Her eyes were clouding over.

"Kira! Snap out of it!" Kate cried with horror. "You're scaring me!"

"Nice, little 'Sueses. Shouldn't have hurt the 'Sueses…bad Kira!" she slapped herself and wrung her hands. "My preciousss, gollum, gollum." By now everything she said came out as a hiss, and her sobs sounded more like screeches. She started licking her fingers, her clouded eyes staring off into the distance, and she started to remember a long ago hurt that hadn’t even happened to her.

"What's happening?" Kate wailed to Rincewind.

Eowyn unshielded her eyes, careful not to look at Rincewind, and glanced at Kira's odd behavior. "What is wrong with her?"

"She so upset that she's falling into character!" Rincewind yelled, a note of panic in her voice.

"AAAAAUGH!" Kate screamed.

"We need to calm her down!" Rincewind said. Unfortunately, Kate's idea of calming Sue'd Kira down was to threaten her with OFUM references.

"KIRA, SNAP OUT OF IT! REMEMBER THE PADDLE!" she yelled.

"My preciousss, gollum, gollum…" Was Kira's reply, when suddenly Rincewind reached down and slapped her.

"Ouch!" Kate exclaimed as Kira tumbled over the grass. Gimli chanced a glance at her and winced. "Bitch-slapped by a dragon…"

Kira stared up at Rincewind in shock. So did Kate, for a second, but hers wore off faster.

"You could have killed her!" she shrieked.

"I didn't hit her that hard." Rincewind said. "Anyway," she turned to Kira, "knock it off. Or I'll smack you again."

Kira nodded feebly, wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and pulled herself into a sitting position on the grass.

"You need to find the Bridge now," Rincewind ordered. "It's only a matter of time before you both get sucked into character."

"We've been trying!" Kate said with a moan. "I don't want to be a Legolas luster. It's complicated enough fancying Frodo!"

"You've resisted more than any other people, but you can't resist forever. That's obvious," Rincewind said with a glance at Kira. "And the PPC almost got you at your last meeting."

"But we're trying our hardest! We need help! We can't just do it by ourselves!" Kate wailed.

"Oh fucking well! Deal with it!" Rincewind snapped. Kate's lower lip quivered, but the dragon couldn't see it through her robes. It's likely she wouldn't have cared even if she could. "The fate of Middle-Earth is hanging in the balance here! Along with countless lives! Don't you get it! If you don't find the Bridge, Middle-Earth will be DESTROYED!"

"WHAT?" Kira yelled.

Kate stared in shock, although all she could see was the white of her robes. "Wait! But I thought…"

"Destroyed?!" Gimli thundered.

"What is the meaning of this?" Eowyn gasped.

Rincewind’s eyes went wide. "Oops. I shouldn't have said that." The dragon shook her head. "I didn't want to tell you. You're already under so much pressure…"

"You think?" Kate whimpered.

"It's not just the girls that are trapped as 'Sues that you have to worry about."

"As if that wasn't enough. Do the Powers That Be just hate us?" Kate sighed.

"The Canon is starting to tear itself apart. Meaning that Middle-Earth is starting to tear itself apart," Rincewind said grimly.

"No! This cannot be!" Eowyn cried.

"The PPC have tried to stop it, but they can only do so much, and the influx of bad stories…" the dragon sighed. "If you don't find the Bridge soon and destroy it…Middle-Earth is doomed."

Source: Wayback Machine

Published: ca. 2003/02/20 [interpolated]