Time: 10-20 minutes  

Mentor Preparation: Birthing From Within, pages 260-264 and AMMB, pages 193-195. Research postpartum expectations and how they relate to relationships and PPMDs.  

Think about this exercise as a way to engage the parents in conversation with each other, so that they connect, communicate and move towards a solution-focused mindset regarding postpartum. While we don’t know what each family’s postpartum journey will involve specifically, helping parents to open lines of communication, and to know that things WILL change and shift, guides them to enter this phase more prepared and open to a variety of possibilities, and connected with one another.  

Exploring expectations

When to share this process: Towards the end of a series or weekend immersion, or during a prenatal visit that is focused on preparing for the postpartum journey. This exercise can be  done in person, or offered as homework. If you offer it as homework, be sure to loop back to it next time you meet and facilitate a solution-focused conversation.  

What to have in advance: Photocopies of the worksheet, beautiful writing paper if you plan to do the letter writing closing piece as described below.  

VALIDATE:

(Note: This is not meant to be a script, but to give you some ideas for how to  validate parents who are preparing for postpartum) “It can be challenging to prepare  prenatally for the postpartum transition… you’ve never done this before! It can be hard to  even imagine! We don’t know what the journey will look like specifically, but we DO know  that things will change, shift… emotionally, physically, relationship-wise, for BOTH parents!  Many parents find themselves sleep-deprived, with frayed nerves, unexpectedly emotional,  physically recovering, all while trying to care for the baby, themselves and their partner. It  can be a challenging time. Let’s name it! Talk about it, and think through some ways in which  you might cope with it!”  

MOTIVATE:

(for example) “Research shows that if parents are on the same page ahead of  time (as best they can) about postpartum expectations, they will be able to navigate the  postpartum terrain with more connection, curiosity, compassion, and flexibility rather than  with self-judgment, and resentment. Opening the lines of communication NOW - talking  about some of these little details, or big details, and discussing what stumbling blocks you  might come upon, and HOW you would handle those, will at the minimum, help you to stay  as connected with each other and in a solution-focused mindset, rather than feeling alone and  overwhelmed.”  

What are some stumbling blocks people bump into postpartum?  

“In a little over a decade’s time, the study of co parenting dynamics within two parent nuclear family systems has substantiated that support and solidarity between co parenting partners serve centrally important functions in supporting both child and  adult adjustment. Whether studied in infancy and toddlerhood, the preschool years, middle childhood, or adolescence, supportive alliances between co parenting adults bid well for marital adjustment and help promote children’s adaptation both in and  outside the family.” References and more information can be found at this link for the Cowan  

Report: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1913102/ 

EDUCATE:

What are some stumbling blocks people bump into postpartum? Which of  those are things you could talk through now? Help the parents begin to make some plans. Guide them to come up with some solutions to make these feel like smaller obstacles.  

INITIATE:

Have them complete the worksheets, either in person or as homework. Make  sure they complete them individually, and then share their responses with each other.  

CELEBRATE:

What are some simple ways to celebrate the completion of this process?  Since this is a fairly heady process, it might be nice to close it with something from the  heart…light some candles, put on some music, have them write a short love note to each  other, have partners give a foot bath, invite pregnant parents to share the contents of their birth bundle with their partner, tell a great story.  

Postpartum Expectations for Parents: What am I expecting?  

After the baby comes, everything changes - routines, schedules, energy levels, sleep  patterns. There’s more to do, and less time to do it! The easiest time to begin sorting out what needs to be done and who’s going to do it (or what you can let go of), is before the baby is born!  

Use this exercise to check your expectations and begin a constructive dialogue with your partner. Fill out the questionnaire on your own and then compare your answers.  

While the baby needs to be cared for, who will usually do the following?  

____Cook Meals  

____Clean Up After the Meals  

____Wash the Dishes or Start the Dishwasher  

____Put the Dishes Away  

____Clean the Kitchen  

____Take Out the Trash  

____Shop for Groceries and Put the Groceries Away  

Did you know that for each load of laundry you do now, you will do 4 loads after your baby comes?  Who will...

____Wash the Laundry (about how often?)  

____Dry the Laundry  

____Fold or Hang the Laundry and Put it Away  

Daily “Tidy-Up” of the House  

____Clean the Diaper Pail (if you have one)  

____Pick up Newspapers, Magazines, Clothes, and Such  

____Vacuum and Dust  

____Clean the Bathroom  

____Feed the Pets  

____Pay the Bills  

____Put in a New Light Bulb When the Old One Burns Out  

____Take the Baby to the Doctor for Well-Baby Visits  

____Arrange Child-Care for your “Dates”  

For the next section: This is a sentence-completion exercise. Write down your first  thought in response to the questions below.  

During the Early Postpartum Transition:

I think that becoming a parent will make me feel more:  

I think becoming a parent will make my partner feel more:  

Becoming parents will change our relationship, and I imagine they will be more__________towards me.  

I think I will be__________toward them.

I am most concerned about:  

I think my partner is most concerned about:  

I’m envisioning childcare will be shared in this way:  

When my parents become grandparents, I expect them to be:  

When my partner’s parents become grandparents, I expect them to be:    

When we become parents, my relationships with my parents will:  

When we become parents, I think my partner’s relationship with their parents will:    

Our friends and social life will:  

I imagine my partner thinks our friends and social life will:  

Who are our allies?  

During the time-consuming first year of our baby’s life I know I’ll have to make sacrifices.  

What I will miss the most is:  

I think my partner will miss:  

I think the partner’s role in feeding the baby is:  

I think my partner views their role as:  

After reading each other’s answers, journal: How closely did your expectations match? What new insights do you have? 

What are some small things you could start doing now to support each other, and  narrow any gaps in your expectations?  

“In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we give birth to new possibilities within ourselves.”  —Myla + Jon Kabat-Zinn