Review Box #1 - Otoko ja nai, Suisei desu!
I've read Otoko ja nai, Suisei desu! I haven't slept the last two nights.
A bit about my mindset: in software we do code reviews all the time. The goal is to end up with the best code possible, avoid bug, share knowledge. The essential rule of code reviews is this : you are not your code. Criticism of the fic isn't a personal attack against you as a writer, it's my opinion on how to improve it as a reader. I'll do this review in the spirit of a code review. However there's something else. When we do code reviews the code is the property of the company, or open source. Here it is your fic, it belongs to you. If you don't agree with the direction I want to push the fic, by all means ignore my comments. It's your work. Critique is piss easy and mostly worthless. Creation is where the value is.
The beginning is a bit rought, it's like you have to force your way in, as opposed to being invited by the words. Repetitions of star and stop for example. On the other hand, after rereading them a few times, it has some kind of rythm to it, almost like poetry. "Understatement" feels a bit weak, "I suppose" even more. "Who is her?" sounds like Ebonics. Is this gramatically correct? "Simple" feels a bit weak and weird too. "From recent memory" sounds more like a guy that has her in his spotify playlist than an idol fan. "you know, on my part" the "you know" is unnecessary, and you should start a new sentence at "On my part" (which also sounds weird). This paragraph has suddenly more high class language, and the start of the next is "Yo Suisei". I don't understand if the MC is supposed to be a nerdy guy that reads poetry or a street smart guy. Starting with "of course I'm real", I feel like it's not how Suisei would react, but I don't recall having seen her annoyed often. "Perhaps this heat is making all of us act a bit weirder than usual, can’t complain alright." Same problem as before, the personality of the MC changes in the middle of a sentence. "karaoke" is a noun, no capital letter needed. "carefully black painted walls" is awkward. "but most importantly it had AC. Nothing else mattered, just being able to escape that fiery hell outside made this trip worth it." This is a pure gold, in the positive sense, no irony. As I'm reading this, I instantly know that the author, and the character, are human being like me that struggle in the heat of this fucking summer. In ~20 words, you ground the story in reality and time. You can be proud of this.
You need more buildup before Suisei sings and dance, it's like it's over in one sentence. If you're struggling with describing this watch a concert or karaoke 3d stream and just write what you see. The remark about the food and drink is cute, though I don't know if that's a thing Suisei would do. Look into the dynamics with her sister, who does what. I think that it's Suisei that cooks food and feeds her, in which case you can add something about Suisei being selfish for once.
"Aaah, I'm exhausted" I can hear "tsukareeetaa", that's good. "Sat" and "passes", two different conjugaisons. No fun -> i can hear the "tsuruiiii". The competitive side is nice.
Ended up paying -> it was the deal from the start, he just paid. Capital for Suisei. Don't hesistate to use a spellchecker and add words like Suisei to the dictionnary.
"With a wink a bit of red on her face she said her goodbyes." -> "With a wink and a bit of red on her face, she said her goodbyes.". Sink to me -> sink in. Distance, this -> start a new sentence at this. Pic -> picture, unless you want to go full on street boy, which is fine. But coherence is important. Running salt -> pouring salt.
At this point I'll stop the detailed commenting because doing it on my phone while switching tabs all the time is hell. If you want more give me commentary permissions or something and I'll do it on google docs or something.
Suisei going through lots of emotions while being ignored is good, the initial reaction of the MC makes sense too.
The power dynamics are great, Suisei fits very well the "person that lacks some common sense and ends up abusing people" that anons were talking about a few threads ago (killing people like ants).
The ending comes a bit too soon, especially since things get more tender at the end, you can expand it a bit and add some.more aftercare.
Now, a small interlude about turds and diamonds. A diamond in the rough and a turd may look the same at first, but no matter how much you polish it, the turd is still a turd. There's no point in spending time on it, it's wasted. On the other hand, a diamond will become better and better the more you polish it. Your fic is more like a diamond in the rough, which fits the Suisei theme well. The "grandes lignes" are here, the skeleton is good, but it needs more polishing, more editing. As I've sais earlier I can give more feedback if you want.
In conclusion, thanks for writing that, I enjoyed it and it takes some courage and generosity to offer your work to everyone!