[Intro music plays]
Hello hello and welcome back to Ophiuchus Radio, the advice show where we know more about you than you know about yourself. I’m your host, your oracle, your best friend you could say, if you knew me like that but you don’t, Coconut Silver. And this is my co-host and general all-around thorn in my side, Bluejay Midnight. Say hi to the people at home, Blue.
[Smugly] Hey bestie.
As you know, we like to help people around here, but I just woke up so before we get into any real hard work, let’s check the weather.
The weather where? We broadcast online, that means nothing.
Let’s see…
[Sound of an office chair rolling away and a dart thudding against a wall]
How about Fantabec?
Sure sure, tell me about Fantabec. Nice weather?
[Typing noises]
Nooo, all blizzard all the time.
All over the continent?
Pretty much. I mean, it is an ice continent.
So the update is “it’s still snowing in Fantabec”?
Yes. Which is perfect for their annual narpenguin races coming up.
Ah! I’ve always wanted to catch that, do you think we could hack the feed? Nevermind, let’s get to the advice. Who do we have today?
Today I wanted to talk about Lake. Lake works as an accountant, and boy, has he been having a time lately.
I have also been having a time lately, thanks for asking.
The sandwich architect messed up your order, that’s not really having a time.
[Sigh] I knew you wouldn’t understand.
[Muttering] oh Primorye.
[normal voice] Let’s talk about Lake, can we talk about Lake?
Fine, tell me about Lake and the time he’s having.
I’m sorry, Blue. Do you want to guess why he’s having A Time? I think that might be a fun game for you.
Alright, okay, I’ll bite. Um they forgot to put chocolate sauce on his BLT.
We are not making this about your sandwich. Try again.
Ugh alright. Uhh his dog ran away with a kangaroohorse and they’re having a beautiful life together without him on Trivium, but sometimes they ask him for money.
Okay, just kidding, we’re not doing this anymore. You’re done. So, Lake’s job is stressful.
Everyone’s job is stressful.
Not like Lake’s job! Poor guy has been working overtime every day for a month and a half.
Oh yikes, how does he keep getting his overtime requests approved?
Y’know what Blue? I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think he’s claiming them.
He what? He’s working for free?
Yeah. I mean, it’s probably better for him to do that than to go over his yearly overtime allowance and maybe get fired.
Is it? Is it really better?
So get this: Lake is a junior accountant for that big pharmaceutical company, NewGen. He balances the numbers, like good accountants do.
That’s a lot of math.
It’s so much math. And most days, it’s business as usual, but here’s the thing. Even as a junior accountant, he can see where things aren’t adding up. Subtracting down is more like it. Meanwhile the CEO’s [heavy air quotes] “business expenses” are higher than ever. I’m talking private ships on planets he’s probably never even been to, and don’t even get me started on the parties.
Oh, are they [heavy air quotes] “Charity Banquets”?
Oh absolutely. That way he can bill it all to company credit and poor Lake is left sorting through transaction records and trying to make sense of it.
Lake can barely pay his own bills yet here he sits in a remote work pod late into the night working out whether getting drunk and partying with your zero-grav golf buddies should be filed under networking or negotiations. That’s not the only reason he’s stressed though.
Not to put the rocket booster ahead of the metaphorical starship here but I think I’m ready to prescribe Lake some remedial “me time”. Stop doing overtime, go home, and have a very long bubble bath. What’s the worst that could happen? You aren’t going to get fired for missing a deadline one time.
Here’s the thing. Regardless of what Lake does, he already has a feeling he won’t have this job much longer.
Bud, everyone thinks they’re gonna get fired over every tiny little thing all the time. The only way to find out what you can get away with is to poke the boundaries a little bit.
It’s not that.
Then what?
Well as I said, Lake sees all the numbers right?
Yeah, he’s an accountant.
So he knows the company is, to put it delicately, not long for this world.
You’re joking.
Have I ever joked?
NewGen is huge though. Aren’t they the reason EzPhill, Helgurt, and Renzip all shuttered a few years ago? They should be rolling in it. Plus you just said the CEO… let’s call him Carl, is all zerograv golf and pleasure cruises. That doesn’t sound like a dying company to me.
Maybe so, but I don’t think this is a new development. Remember how they laid off their entire marketing department last year?
Sounds like typical corporate “restructuring with zero regard for human life” to me.
The marketing department is the canary in the coal mine of a dying company. Don’t take my word for it, though. Just like Lake, [notification bloop] I’ve got the numbers right here.
Of course you do.
So NewGen is a subsidiary of a subsidiary of a blah blah blah, what matters is it leads up to Valdivian.
Ugh, what doesn’t anymore.
The things that lead to Primorye. Or Daintree.
UGH [louder than the first ugh]
So you see, they sunk a ton of money into this to get it off the ground about a decade ago. Sold everything below cost, invested buckets of creds into marketing, and now that they’ve done all that...it just doesn’t have the profit margin they expected.
Which is to say it doesn’t have… uh any profit margin.
The ROI is DOA as our accounting friend Lake might say.
Pretending I know what means we-
[cutting Blue off] ROI stands for re-
Buh-sh-sh-zip Coco, if you please, I am perfectly content not knowing.
Fine, be that way.
What does this mean for Lake? Why’s he putting in so much overtime if he knows the end is nigh? You think he’d be abandoning ship.
I get the feeling he wants to keep an eye on how things go. Maybe he’s holding out hope it’ll turn around - unlikely if you ask me - or maybe he’s just trying to math out exactly how long he has til abandoning ship is no longer an option and is mandatory.
Well hey, don’t be so dour. If our rotten fiend Carl is still throwing creds around like nanobots at a baby shower, maybe you’re reading too much into it. I mean if that guy’s not worri- Coco? Coco why are you making that face at me?
Bud, friendo, my dude, lemme give you a different reading of the sitch here. Carl isn’t throwing around money because he knows NewGen is going to be fine… he’s throwing it around because he’s tired of NewGen and is trying to speed up the process of running it into the ground so he can take his diamond pony and city’s worth of mansions and move on to something else. He’s bored.
How many employees does NewGen have again?
A lot, oh and I haven’t even told you about the transport companies yet.
Oh dear.
Well, they’ve already started closing certain expense accounts and as a result certain payments have been bouncing.
But CEO Carl’s company accounts conveniently aren’t among those huh.
Oh of course not. Could you imagine? How embarrassing if Crooked Carl couldn’t foot the bill for his latest feast of fried tri-headed-lizard at the gazillionaire’s satellite lounge with his buds. [Overly dramatic] Hoowww embarrassing would that be.
So hang on, are you telling me that NewGen is on UDeliver’s bad side?
You think you’re joking but for real, UDeliver won’t deal with them anymore and I don’t think management even cares. They aren’t even trying to get shipments to their retailers anymore. Products are just getting shuffled around from warehouse to warehouse until they expire and go to landfills.
Well that sure does explain our good friend Sammy’s problems from a few weeks ago.
It’ll be explaining a lot of people’s problems real soon. I bet Lake knows this.
But it’s not his fault! Lake, my dude, let the company burn.
Okay, like, I am totally with you on this but listen, I understand where he’s coming from. Lots of people count on NewGen, right? It makes sense that he'd want to see where this goes.
Yeah but, look - the sooner you let this crash and burn, the sooner a better company can come in and pick up the slack.
I can’t believe you’d say something like that.
What?
[Upset] A better company?
Wait, no, Coco-
My own roommate-
Coco wait, please, you know I didn’t mean that!
No company is good, Blue!
I know!! But listen, the sooner NewGen sinks, the sooner another company can fill the void and those prescriptions, amiright? It’s not ideal but it’s better than the current situation...right?
[Pause]
Right, Coco?
[Reluctantly] Yeah, okay.
There we go. C’mon now, say it with me.
[Out of sync] All companies are terrible.
Right, exactly. Friends?
Friends.
[Long winded, elaborate handshake noises]
So our advice to Lake this week is “let your company destroy itself?”
I think so, unless you have a better idea.
No no, I like it. But check this out - start sending payments you know are going to bounce with little smiley face gifs attached so your vendors aren't mad when they don't get paid. I recommend the ones that sparkle a little bit. Also, maybe attach your resume to a few of those too. You never know.
Bold, I like it.
I also offer consultation on resume writing, have you considered adding sparkle gifs and fart sound effects? Like those greeting cards your grandma sends you that are full of viruses… but instead of a virus they catch a promising new employee! That'll be 5000 credits.
Revolutionary! Take my credits! Wait, how does the company know you're a promising new employee and not a virus?
Well you're sending it with the payment from your current employer which you know is going to bounce right? So two things can happen here:
1 - they assume it's a virus and never open it so the payment never gets processed and therefore doesn't bounce - huzzah all your problems are solved! Pop a bottle of sparkling Venus rum!
2 - they do open it and the payment bounces but that's okay because oh what's this? Super cute "im sowwy" raptor puppy gifs? Gosh that's way too endearing for us to be mad. Wait there's more? An impeccable resume embellished with classy glitter and hilarious fart noises?! HIRE THIS ACCOUNTANT IMMEDIATELY. Bip bop bam you have a new job - huzzah all your problems are solved! Pop a bottle of sparkling Venus rum!
You’re a genius, Coco!
That’s what I’m here for, Blue. Oh hey we’re almost out of time, let’s tell these nice folks their horoscopes.
Oh, right!
[Celestial music begins]
[Pretentious Ethereal™ voice] We’ve communed with the Stars to bring you their wisdom and advice.
[Celestial music cuts]
But they didn’t give us a lot to go off of this week, so I’m going to assign the signs failed beverage concoctions I’ve tried in our kitchen. Ha, assign.
I can’t believe you’re going to make me relive these. Hate that for me. Hate you.
Ahem.
[Celestial music begins again]
Ares - Orange juice and mint leaves.
Taurus - Lemonade, but with maple syrup.
Gemini - Hot sauce with milk in it.
Cancer - Carbonated soup.
I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.
Leo - A mix of warm soda and chillies that I call Hot Spicy Water.
Virgo - Bubblegum-infused tap water.
Libra - Gravy-coffee.
Scorpio - Coconut water and black pepper, stirred with a moonlight-cured stick.
Our planet doesn’t even have a moon, where did you get that?
Sagittarius - Goat cheese tea.
Capricorn - Steeped river stones.
Aquarius - Ostrich egg margarita.
And Pisces - Cheesy cracker ice cream smoothie.
You’re going to jail. I’m going to put you in roommate jail for this. As soon as we’re done recording, jail!
[Celestial music fades out]
Hey Coco.
Yeah Blue?
So I’ve been getting back into Survivor and-
Is this because of Ros- our Sagittarius friend?
[Upbeat tropical feeling music starts in the background]
...Maybe. Anyway, it’s almost the finale and this season has been really good so far. They started with the usual two-team split, and this time they were separated by whether or not they had a peanut allergy, which was a surprisingly even divide.
[Background music cuts off]
They pick the contestants beforehand, they already knew that was coming. Why a peanut allergy?
Because the last time they did an allergy-related team split it was a shellfish allergy, they can’t do that again.
That’s not what I meant.
[Music starts again]
So they each get sent off to their separate islands, this time it was on the planet Aloch in that kind of volcano-y area they have? So the team with the peanut allergies got right to work building their shelter - they’re the team that was more put together at the beginning. The non-allergy folks just kind of partied and they slept out in the rain, as is tradition.
[Music cuts off]
That’s a stupid tradition.
It’s like an unwritten rule. There’s all kinds of Survivor lore if you wanna-
No.
Alright. Next time.
Not next time.
[Music starts again]
So you’d think that the allergies team would be great at working together since they got right to building their shelter, but they actually lost the first four challenges in a row. They actually forced a team shuffle way early on because they were losing people so badly. Then a couple of folks started making fake immunity idols and hiding them around camp, and people really fell for it which is hilarious because they didn’t even have immunity idols in play yet.
Uh-huh.
It was especially funny after someone tried to use one and Jeff was like, [poor Jeff voice imitation] “the idols aren’t active yet,” [group gasp] and they were like, “what do you mean? I have one right here!” and they tried to argue with him about it? It was wild. Hey, did you know the Jeff they have hosting Survivor now is the same Jeff that started it? They just transferred his brain data into an android so he could keep going with the show. I think he was the first person to do the consciousness-transfer thing. I read that somewhere.
[Music cuts off]
“Somewhere” isn’t a source, Blue. Hang on, that’s not why you have those terrible printed shirts, is it? So you can be like Jeff Survivor?
[Scoffs] Of course not, I already had those.
[Mysterious tinkling music accompanied by a didgeridoo]
So it’s down to the final four this week and I really don’t know which way it’ll go. Normally I can kind of guess these things - you know how I’m good at guessing how reality shows are gonna play out - but like, ok, Maro is in the final four and he’s been a really strategic player this whole time, but he’s also been a jerk, and normally the jerks don’t make it this far but he’s gotten all this way, mostly by bad-mouthing some other players and I can’t believe that’s worked this long, to be honest-
I don’t know who Maro is.
Everyone keeps going along with his voting plan, but I don’t get it! It looks like this week he’s going to try and get them to vote out Jocelyn, but she’s got an immunity idol right now, so if she gets wind of the plan in time to play it, who knows how the vote will go.
But! Okay, you know how the winner gets chosen by the people who got voted out before, right?
Blue, I’ve watched Survivor like, three times ever.
So really even though Maro got this far, I don’t think he’s going to win. No one is going to pick him because he’s burned so many bridges. Now, I think the one we really have to watch out for is Bork, they’re really good in the challenges.
[Dramatic music building up with drums and choir to emphasise the drama]
You should have seen the floor is lava challenge, they were like, climbing up on the ropes and they did a really cool flip even after some of the lava splashed them, they’re okay though, and they even helped Serena up the cliff at the end in a really dramatic moment, and thi-
[Choir cuts off]
This is nonsense. You’re saying nonsense.
[Choir starts again]
-No Coco, listen, this week they have the challenge where they have to try and rebuild the ship that dropped them off on the island, and Serena used to be a mechanic so I think she has a really good chance of winning that one, except, y’know, it’s reality TV so it’s probably going to be broken in a stupid way, they’ll probably need to fix a hole in the hull with like, palm fronds or something-
I see what you’re doing here, you know.
I am just telling you and our listeners everything you need to know about this season of Survivor because the finale is coming up and I don’t want you to be left out.
[Music cuts off]
[Sarcastically] Aw, that’s nice. Not nice enough to keep you out of roommate jail, though.
[Laughs nervously]
[Outro theme plays]
Hey, thanks for listening to Ophiuchus Radio.
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This show is created by Gwen Jeronimo, Aspen Steeves, and Lisel Christiansen.
Today’s episode, A Case of the Mondays, was written by Gwen Jeronimo and performed by Gwen Jeronimo as Bluejay Midnight and Aspen Steeves as Coconut Silver.
Original music was composed and performed by Tamara Steeves.
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Happy Temporal Assignment.