Carly Thomas-

I have been in abusive relationships since I was born. The people who gave birth to me never knew how to love, so it's no surprise that I endured a life of trauma, neglect, rejection, and abandonment. I took these patterns into my adult life and made choices based on maladaptive patterns. As an adult, I didn't know that this was a generational curse that only God or a higher power could heal. I tell people that I know precisely what trash in the can on the curb feels like, and that's not a metaphor.
I'm not sharing my story for sympathy but rather to bring awareness to how PTSD affects our brain, thought processes, and decision-making. Please don't misunderstand that the abuse was not my fault at all, but the choices I made because of the abuse are my responsibility to heal. Abuse in all forms affects our brains and triggers chemical releases, and that's precisely why so many of us suffer from addictions and end up with violent men. I call it "The Pattern".
My personality is one of a Caretaker, and all my jobs/careers have been aligned with that. I try to fix, manage, or control all aspects of my life because, as a child, I had none of that in my life, and the dopamine release is the same as my brain reacting to drugs. It's the feel-good/reward chemical. I have never felt good about myself until I'm 55 years old. The dysfunction throughout vital psychosocial life/growth development stages is blamed for the "Pattern." I would seek relationships with people I thought needed fixing or had their own traumas. When it got to the point in said relationships that I could not accomplish the "fixing," then it would become violent every time. I've been called horrible names and made to believe it was my fault that I had three marriages and I have buried three husbands. It was not my fault, but rather, they had an addiction, and addiction killed them, and those events would place me more into a victim mentality. All this is the reason I went to college and obtained a degree in the mental health/addiction field. It would be worth it if I could help one person.
In many ways, I grew up to mimic my abusers because, according to the Grandfather of Psychology, Mr. Sigmund Freud, we as people are a product of our experiences as a child. It's a defense mechanism so that I won't endure further trauma. I became very blaming, bitter, angry, and resentful, to name a few. The abusive marriages were unfortunate, to say the least, but they were also my lessons and the root of my healing process.
I didn't love myself because I'd never been taught love. After these abusive marriages, broken bones, and multiple surgeries, that still didn't resonate. It was seeing my son drenched in my blood and a look of sheer fright and trauma on his two-year-old face that prompted a different mindset. This was the beginning of my journey. I vowed not to do to my children what was done to me. It was the divine that intercepted and broke the generational curse.
That was 29 years ago. I've been in a domestic violence relationship recently. Still, I had the knowledge and power to walk away immediately, and today, I know my self-worth and have an authentic love for myself. I was divorced after a 12-year marriage last month and went to court to give my victim impact statement related to his felony charges of 2nd-degree domestic assault. Much like Judy, I believe in mercy. Something that was never shown to us by our abusers. I asked that instead of a prison sentence that, it be mandated he attend long-term drug treatment as a condition of his probation. I'm afraid I have to disagree with punitive sentencing for mentally ill people, and addiction is a disease or illness.
No one cared enough for these individuals to show love or mercy and initiate change. I hope my story resonates with someone and plants a seed. We all deserve love, acceptance, and kindness. It starts with 'self'. Today, I have two grown children who have never had to wonder what love feels like, and neither one of them has ever had a drink/drug. They never have had to doubt my feelings or intentions for their lives. I also have two grandchildren who have never seen me beaten, addicted, or incarcerated, and that is a miracle. I am alive today because of people like Judy. May her story continue to empower people everywhere. I imagine how special she was; that alone lives through her children. Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my story. I love you all. I am a grateful and recovering soul of violence. There is always hope, and Judy's hope is her daughter, who asks me to share with the world. Thank you, Judy, for touching my life.
Always and forever,