[general call center hubbub]
[phone rings twice, then sound of receiver been picked up]
AGENT: Hello, this is customer service with The Supernatural Protection Company, am I speaking to Mr. Ken Hartford?
HARTFORD: Yeah, yeah uh, is this- is this about the tree?
AGENT: Yes, that is correct. Before we proceed I just need you to recite your policy number so I can verify your identity.
HARTFORD: Uh, give me one sec, I have the papers here… [papers rustling] Um, that's gonna be… S-T-N-D-C-1-0-9-5
AGENT: Thank you very much, Mr Hartford. We are reaching out after an incident occurred at your newly purchased property located at 78 Millward Rd. One of our home inspectors was sent out to assess any changes that might be needed before your new policy can come into effect, and they came back with some kind of curse mark. Could you please describe the visit from your point of view?
HARTFORD: Oh my-uh-I-he's, he's okay right?
AGENT: Oh yes, he is completely fine, there was no lasting damage or impact. We are well-accustomed to these kinds of incidents happening and it's all been taken care of.
HARTFORD: Okay yeah I saw him wince as he left the lot but I didn't realize. Um, yeah so, I-I had him- I called you guys out here 'cause um, the uh, the seller said there might be some sort of activity and that I wanted to quote unquote cover all my bases-l wasn't really sure what that meant but uh... Yeah, we *sigh* we got to the lot and um got out of the car and there was sort of like a weird groaning noise? And I thought it was the vehicle at first but, the noise was coming from the tree in the front yard? Uh, we, I mean we ignored it, I thought it might be creaking cause it was kind of old, but we walked around the rest of the house and the groaning got louder? Stepped out onto the front porch, he pointed up to some branches that he said might need trimmed or cut off because of, well you know, home insurance policy before they were um willing to cover it, but then the groaning got louder and like almost felt like it was shaking the earth? And that's when uh, your inspector winced and uh… kind of closed up everything pretty quick and drove off.
AGENT: And nothing more happened after you were left alone at the house?
HARTFORD: I mean, not really, the groaning got a little bit quieter and I-I took a look at the tree. It's... I mean the roots are really old and gnarled and they *sigh* I dunno it's just, it's an older tree, I didn't-I've never really dealt with anything like this before? Uh… I mean like you know, everyone's had their cousin who tells the odd ghost story and that's why we've got you guys but.... Um, yeah I got in my car and drove away, just went back to my apartment, um… Kind of freaked me out so....
AGENT: Yes it's completely understandable why you would be freaked out. Barring abnormal circumstances this is absolutely a manageable problem, even if it isn’t a routine one. We understand how trying situations such as this can be for the average person, and are honored that you have chosen us here at The Supernatural Protection Company to help you through it.
HARTFORD: So, uh, is- *sigh* Is there-is there anything I can do? Can I like move or uproot the tree? It’s-it's extremely old.
AGENT: Well, in cases like this it would appear that there is some form of sentience to the tree. So our next steps would be determining whether the tree is capable of communication...past the curse it put on our inspector. And we would just want to make sure that everything is squared away on that front, because entities like this do have a certain amount of rights and while you as the new homeowner also have rights to the building and surrounding property, these things can get a little bit tricky? Especially when the other party may not necessarily be able to communicate their desires or assumed rights to us.
HARTFORD: So you're saying the tree has a..right to be on this-I mean I-I've already bought and paid for the house. Like I got pre-approved and everything.
AGENT: Yes sir, we completely understand your concerns. Buying a home is never a quick decision and you are absolutely entitled to certain things having gone through that process. However...you said the tree was quite old, correct?
HARTFORD: Are you-are you implying that this tree has squatters rights?
AGENT: It's difficult to say in these situations. We of course do not make the laws at The Supernatural Protection Company, we are merely here to help you navigate through these situations and to find the best solutions to them. So if your state for example has specific squatter’s rights surrounding supernatural entities, things can get a little bit trickier but typically we can resolve these sorts of situations without much trouble.
HARTFORD: *long pause* Okay? Ummmm, is there… I mean is there anything I can do here?
AGENT: If you could just provide us with a little bit more information about the previous owner, that might help us to determine things such as how long the tree has been there and why it may feel a certain entitlement to where it is to the point of placing a curse on someone.
HARTFORD: Um, let's see, uhhh… Looks like *sigh* I think-I think I remember the uh realtor saying that he had, he passed away-it wasn't, it wasn't in the home he-he had been in a uh, retirement home or something. But um, the guy was in his like, late 80s, I think?
AGENT: So the home was unoccupied for that period?
HARTFORD: Yeah I- I guess for maybe like, uhhh… a couple dozen years, um I-I'll have to get in touch with them, but yeah um I mean… It's I mean-the-the inside of this place was covered in dust even, even after the realtor tried to clean it, so it's- it’s definitely been more than a couple of years.
AGENT: Alright, thank you, that is all very useful information. If you could reach out to your realtor and get the name of that prior owner then we here can do some investigation and follow up. Potentially find some next of kin, or ask the retirement facility whether they know anything else. We can definitely come up with a solution that is good for both you and for your… woody neighbor.
HARTFORD: *laugh* Thanks. Uh, do you guys have any time frame on this? My lease is gonna be up at the end of the year.
AGENT: Oh, yes, that is plenty of time. Our turnaround on these types of issues is usually very reasonable, just a couple of weeks at most, assuming we don’t have to go through any prolonged legal proceedings. Until we can determine more specific information about the exact nature of the tree and how long it's been in existence, we can only guess at the precise time frame. But I would probably estimate a week tops for us to determine the exact nature of the situation, and depending on how amenable the tree is to some of our suggested solutions, two or three more weeks at most is likely.
HARTFORD: Oh thank god. Man, I mean this whole moving process has just been so slow, it's like working in state government, so it's good to hear it's not gonna be more than a month. Well uh, I mean, thanks for the follow up call, I hope your guy's not uh… too cursed or anything, um… I gotta go pick up the kids from school so I'll, uh, I'll be in touch with the name of that guy, er the previous owner.
AGENT: Thank you so much for your cooperation in this matter. Now, for your records and future reference, the ID number associated with this claim is 02953. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
HARTFORD: Nah, I think that about does it.
AGENT: Alright, well I hope that you have a lovely day, and thank you for calling us!
HARTFORD: Thanks, bye.
[sound of caller hanging up]
—- Case Notes: —--
AGENT: *exhale* Okaaayyyy, case notes for this one are going to be pretty dense, there's a lot going on here and a lot that can go wrong if we don't approach next steps carefully.
SO. Required follow up actions for this claim:
First we will need to reach out to one our experts in the field of haunted horticulture to go examine the tree more closely. It doesn't sound like we can send anyone else if we don't want to risk a wrong move that might anger it further.
Can't have a general investigator mistaking a beech for an elm if we want to establish friendly relations. While it did sound as though things only turned for the worse after our inspector mentioned trimming the branches, an action that the tree probably saw as a direct physical threat, it is still not worth the risk.
And we need to make sure we're sending the right kind of tree specialist, no one here wants to sit through another 4 hour lecture like after the "Bownin Incident" last year just because someone doesn't want to fully vet which partner we should send.
Uhhh let's see. While we're figuring out who to send we'll also need to be compiling our list of possible solutions. Given the apparent age of the tree I get the feeling it won't want to be moved unless we can promise it a really appealing new home. Which is all assuming that it doesn't have any sentimental attachments to the land either, so as soon as Mr. Hartford gets back to us with that name, research will need to get right on finding if the prior owner had anyone in his life who might be able tell us whether the tree was sentimental to him.
Things might get a bit dicey if, for example, the will stipulated that the tree was meant to inherit the property after death because it was seen as a kind of surrogate child or a close friend. Laws have changed a lot in the past decade or two, so with the house sitting empty that long… I worry that kind of clause which we would honor now might have been ignored at time of death.
We will probably need to make sure the specialist we send is also accompanied by some of our legal staff. They can help with negotiations, but they might also have a better idea of where the law currently is in terms of communicating the tree's implicit rights.
Let's see...before we try to send any experts out to the property again we will need to contact Mr. Hartford to clear that with him, but if we haven't heard back in a couple days with the information about the previous owner we'll need to reach out anyway.
I am also going to forward redacted notes about this claim to our training department so we can adjust materials to better train field staff on what is and isn't appropriate to say and do onsite.
While I don't think it's reasonable for our inspector to have known the tree is sentient, we should be refraining from using any kind of language that might be interpreted as a violent threat towards literally any object or even theoretical being who could be present.
I think that does it for this one, I'm moving it to the in-progress queue and sending a heads up to the investigation and external partnering departments to take a look at it. Hopefully we can get this one sorted easily enough.
*resigned sigh* On to the next…
[END OF RECORDING]
—-- Credits: —--
This episode of The Supernatural Protection Company was improvised by Grant Ravary and Saph the Something based on a concept by Grant Ravary.
It was produced by Saph the Something with cover art by Ash Leddy.
If you like the show or have your own supernatural issues and need advice, let us know by tweeting at TheSPCpodcast, and check out our Patreon at patreon.com/SaphtheSomething for early episodes and bonus content.