What If World - 247 - An interview with Pipey-O

Podcast: What If World

File Length: 00:17:25

Transcription by Keffy

[Rising harp scales followed by the What If World theme song.]

Lyrics: What if kittens played the glockenspiel? And what if unicorns were real? What if you could fly or travel back in time, we welcome you to What If World. What If World. This is What If World.

[Gentle bell music.]

Mr. Eric: Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories. I’m Mr. Eric, your host, and today we’re doing an interview with a much beloved but seldom met character named Pipey-O Hoolihan.

Pipey-O: Oh, it’s a pleasure to be here!

Mr. Eric: Thank you so much for coming on the show, Pipey-O, and thanks to our patrons Caleb, James, and David, who suggested we interview Pipey.

Pipey-O: I think you’re mistaken. I just come here to fix my magic diamond.

Mr. Eric: Oh, that must be because of Emma C.’s question: what if Pipey-O had to fix a diamond, right?

Pipey-O: Yeah, I needed to come some place very, very boring so I would be safe.

Mr. Eric: My studio isn’t boring.

Pipey-O: No, no no, I meant all of What Is World.

Mr. Eric: Hey, What Is World is pretty awesome, too.

Pipey-O: Sure, you keep telling yourself that, Mr. Eric.

Mr. Eric: So, Pipey-O. For our listeners who maybe haven’t met you yet, can you just tell us quickly about yourself?

Pipey-O: Oh, sure. I’m a sewer wizard and I travel through sewer pipes using my magic wrench, which is kind of like my magic wand. And also sometimes I live in the InterWhat because why not?

Mr. Eric: And as for your accent…?

Pipey-O: Oh yeah, well, much like you, Mr. Eric, I’m Italian on my mother’s side and Irish on my father’s side.

Mr. Eric: Yeah, but I don’t talk like that.

Pipey-O: Oh, maybe you would if you spent more time in What If World.

Mr. Eric: So you’re a sewer wizard with a magic wrench and a weird accent who jumps through pipes in sometimes lives in the InterWhat and your name’s Pipey-O Hoolihan.

Pipey-O: Yeah.

Mr. Eric: But you’ve never heard of Mario, by any chance?

Pipey-O: Well, my grandmother’s name was Mario Hoolihan.

Mr. Eric: But does the name Luigi ring a bell?

Pipey-O: Well, it is my cousin Louis Galliga. But we would never call him only Louis G.

Mr. Eric: So you might say you’re similar to but legally distinct from any of those characters?

Pipey-O: Oh, of course, Mr. Eric. Let’s get to the story.

Mr. Eric: Oh, sure, yeah, yeah, sorry.

[Rising harp scale.]

Well, our first question comes from Eryk, a patron whose name is spelled E-R-Y-K. Eryk asks, why do you dislike Wowser so much?

Pipey-O: Oh, if not for Wowser, my magic diamond, would never get broken.

[Pipey-O singing flashback sound]

Mr. Eric: Is that a flashback sound?

Pipey-O: It’s a flashback sound, Mr. Eric!

[Flashback sound]

Mr. Eric: Ever since Wowser had discovered that he did not need to be a boss monster and had never really needed to guard any magic treasure, he’d been searching all across What If World and the InterWhat to find his purpose.

Wowser: Oh, wow, how am I ever gonna find what I’m meant to do? Who I’m meant to be?

Mr. Eric: Barked Wowser, who was part dog, part dragon, part turtle. He’d gone from a mushroom world to an underwater world, to a world made entirely of building blocks, to a world full of giants, but no one on any of these worlds could tell him what to do and who to be and how to live.

Wowser: Wow, wow, wow, I miss being a boss monster. Things were so much simpler.

Mr. Eric: But what Wowser hadn’t realized is that as he searched for his purpose from one world to the next, turning over rocks, lifting up houses, lapping up rivers, wiggling through garbage, he left a big, stinky ruinous mess wherever he went.

Pipey-O: Wowser, you gotta stop all this.

Mr. Eric: Said Pipey-O Hoolihan, pouring out of a drain pipe in Wowser’s latest world where everyone was a big old bug.

Wowser: How can I stop? I don’t know who I am anymore.

Mr. Eric: Said Wowser, grabbing onto the drain pipe and peering through it with a reptilian eye.

Wowser: Maybe who I’m meant to be is through this drain pipe, probably?

Flyperson: [Buzzing] Oh, look, a filthy human crawling around on our clean ground.

Mr. Eric: Buzzed a giant fly person from the sky.

Beetleperson: And some kind of dragon turtle dog. You’d think with all those things, they’d be at least a little bit bug.

Mr. Eric: Complained a giant beetle, flying next to the fly.

Pipey-O: Look, Wowser, you’re messing up every world you go to. I’m just trying to help, but you’re not making it easy!

Mr. Eric: And with that, Pipey-O spun his magic wand in circles, grabbed hold of Wowser’s hand, and pulled him back through the drain pipe just as the giant fly and beetle crashed into the spot where they’d been.

Flyperson: Humans are so gross.

Beetleperson: I don’t know what natural function could require a creature to look like that, ew.

[Flashback ending sound.]

Mr. Eric: So, Pipey-O, you’ve been chasing Wowser from world to world while he leaves a path of destruction in his wake? That does sound pretty bothersome.

Pipey-O: Yeah, I know he’s confused but he’s making life hard for a lot of people, and until he understand that, he’s dangerous.

Mr. Eric: Well, our next question comes from a patron named Zara, who asks, has Fred the Dog ever chewed on your wand.

Fred the Dog: No!

Pipey-O: He asked me, Fred.

Fred the Dog: Well, don’t listen to him, he’s lying!

Mr. Eric: Fred! This is Pipey’s interview.

Fred the Dog: I was just trying to help, anyway!

Mr. Eric: What’s he talking about, Pipey-O?

Pipey-O: Well, I knew I needed more magic to capture this Wowser, so I went to the only other magician I know.

Mr. Eric: You didn’t…

[Flashback sound.]

Abacus: You did!

Mr. Eric: Said Abacus P. Grumbler, somehow aware that he was in a flashback and what been said in the previous scene even though it took place in the future.

Abacus: Precisely, Mr. Eric.

Mr. Eric: No, please don’t talk to me, it makes the flashback so much more confusing.

Abacus: Oh, fine. Pipey-O, what can I do to help you?

Pipey-O: I need to make my wand more powerful so I can stop Wowser and teach him that there’s more to searching than just destroying everything around you.

Abacus: Well, you’ve come to the right place. I think you just need a better wand. I mean, a big, metal wrench, how is that magical at all?

[Scene break.]

Mr. Eric: Abacus didn’t realize, but he was actually asking Amby’s question, why is your magic wand, a wrench?

Pipey-O: Hey, stop interrupting, Mr. Eric. [Record scratch.]

Mr. Eric: Sorry.

[Scene break.]

Pipey-O: Well, Abacus, I’m a sewer wizard. There’s not just one kind of magic in the world, you know?

Abacus: Oh, how short-sighted I’ve been.

Pipey-O: So you don’t have like a better wrench or nothing?

Abacus: Oh, well, let me just see my wand collection, here.

Mr. Eric: Mumbled Abacus, opening his closet door to reveal…

Abacus: Fred!?

Fred the Dog: Oh, hi, Abacus. Good thing you’re here. I just found a woodpecker pecking on your wands so I was trying to chase them away with my teeth, but they just kept jumping from wand to the other, so you know, what was I supposed to do?

Abacus: Except chew all of my wands, again.

Fred the Dog: No. No, I’m not chewing your wands at all.

Pipey-O: You’re chewing my wand, you silly puppy!

Fred the Dog: Oh, it’s really hard on my teeth. But fortunately, the magic keeps growing the teeth back, so, I can just chew all day.

Pipey-O: Let go! The fate of the very world may be at stake.

Fred the Dog: The fate of the very world may be a stick?

Pipey-O: No, at stake!

Fred the Dog: Sorry, I’m an old dog. It’s kind of hard to hear you.

[Flashback ends.]

Mr. Eric: So Abacus couldn’t help you, and Fred made your wand even weaker.

Pipey-O: Yeah, but I don’t want to talk about that. It’s been a very difficult time.

Mr. Eric: Okay, well, let’s lighten it up with a question from Orson, who asks, what do you eat?

Pipey-O: Oh, mostly gold coins, sometimes mushroom. Maybe a feather here and there.

Mr. Eric: Except for the mushrooms, that sounds like a pretty terrible diet.

Pipey-O: And in theory, if I eat the sun, I get super powers and can do flips for like 10 seconds.

Mr. Eric: But you have to eat an entire sun to do that?

Pipey-O: Yeah, probably not a very good exchange on the celestial level. That’s why I needed to find a diamond, instead.

Mr. Eric: Well, that brings us to our next question, from Tabitha, who asks, how in the world do you fit into all those pipes?

Pipey-O: Well, it’s usually easy, if my wand’s working. But after it’s been chewed on by a puppy…

Fred the Dog: Sorry about that!

[Flashback sound]

Mr. Eric: Pipey-O Hoolihan was using the powers of the InterWhat, which connects all of What If World through a sewer system, apparently.

Pipey-O: Okay, I need to find a magician who uses more tools, or is into the water, maybe.

Mr. Eric: His wand glowed fitfully with a green light, but it seemed to get a little brighter as he stood in front of a little service pipe, smaller even than his tiny Irish-Italian body, and admittedly, pretty big head.

Pipey-O: If I’ve got a big head, it’s because you have a big head, Mr. Eric.

Mr. Eric: I know we’ve got a lot in common. Just get through the pipe, I bet you’re going to find what you need on the other side.

Pipey-O: Yeah, easy for you to say!

Mr. Eric: Pipey-O tapped the pipe with his wand, which would normally shrink him down to just the size he needed to be to zip right on through. But… this time, his head got stuck.

Pipey-O: Uh, hello? Anybody on the other end of this pipe?

Petrina: Is someone calling through my bathtub?

Mr. Eric: Echoed a voice from the other side. It was Petrina the Pirate, famous retired adventurer and witch.

Pipey-O: Yeah… Fred the Dog chewed my wand. Now I can’t really travel through the pipes so good.

Petrina: Okay, okay, just give me a minute.

Mr. Eric: Pipey-O heard some rummaging from above and then… something oily was pouring down the pipes and over his body!

Petrina: Now, you should be able to wiggle through just fine.

Pipey-O: Just you just pour grease down your bathtub?

Petrina: That’s right! Now, just wriggle your way up.

Pipey-O: Oh, this is so demeaning!

Mr. Eric: And Pipey-O, finishing his hardest teleportation ever, wiggled, wriggled, and squirmed his way through this sewer pipe, to emerge, still half his usual size, in Petrina the Pirate’s bathtub.

Petrina: All right, towel yourself off, and here’s that diamond you were looking for.

Pipey-O: If you’re so magical you knew I needed a diamond, why didn’t you just magic me out of the pipe?

Petrina: That wasn’t magic. Abacus gave me a call and I’m retired, anyway. Figured you’d need every ounce of this diamond’s power if you were gonna capture that Wowser!

Pipey-O: Why, that’s so perfectly reasonable. But I wanted to be mad…

Petrina: Okay, off you go. The diamond should fix your wand just in time to get you to Mr. Eric’s interview.

Pipey-O: Oh, no. All of this just to get back to the present?

Petrina: That’s how stories work sometimes.

Mr. Eric: And indeed, clamping down the wrench onto the diamond… fixed the chewed up magic wrench wand, but in the process, cracked the diamond itself.

Petrina: Yeah, oh, I was afraid of that. Well, good luck to you!

Pipey-O: Are you kidding? Oh… I’m just back where I started.

Wowser: Wow, wow, wow. I heard one of the world’s most wise and powerful sorceresses lived on this pirate ship, so I will eat you up, and then have the wisdom and power to do what I’m meant to do, whatever that is.

Pipey-O: And Wowser’s here. Perfect.

Petrina: Oh, don’t worry yourself about it. Just go have a nice time with Mr. Eric.

Mr. Eric: Petrina the Pirate’s glass eye glowed and her long coat and hair flared out behind her as if billowed by a sudden wind.

Petrina: It’s been a while since I faced off with a titanically powerful beastie. Oh, too bad you’ll miss my incredible display of magicking prowess. Okay, off with ye.

Pipey-O: Oh, but I want to see the magic battle.

Petrina: Maybe when you’re older. Now, shoo, shoo.

Mr. Eric: And with a twiddle of her fingers, Pipey-O was sucked back in through his pipe and into my studio at the beginning of this interview, several minutes ago.

[Flashback ends.]

Pipey-O: So now you see why I’ve been a little impatient to get the diamond fixed.

Mr. Eric: I’m sure Petrina the Pirate’s battle isn’t that epic.

[Explosions]

Wowser: Wow, wow, wowser, you’re amazing!

Petrina: Oh, I know. Thank you little one.

Wowser: I’m a thousand times your size!

Petrina: And yet, to me, you are still small.

[Magical explosions]

Wowser: [Cries]

Petrina: [Cackles]

Mr. Eric: Oof, actually if the sound effects are bleeding straight through into What Is World, it is probably pretty epic.

Pipey-O: Okay, okay, come on. You got a last question to ask?

Mr. Eric: Yes! Our last question is from a patron named Alfie. Alfie wants to know, have you ever caught Wowser?

Pipey-O: What a perfect time to ask that question! I just finished patching up the cracks in this diamond.

Mr. Eric: With what?

Pipey-O: With all of these interview questions from you kids.

Mr. Eric: Really?

Pipey-O: Yeah. Aren’t gems in What Is World powered by curiosity?

Mr. Eric: No… I don’t think they’re powered by anything. Maybe rocks… physics… millions of years.

Pipey-O: Who has that kind of time?

Wowser: Not you… wow wow wow wow!

[Crash]

Mr. Eric: My roof!

Pipey-O: Time to catch you once and for all, Wowser!

Mr. Eric: Hey, hey, you two. I’m not sure if you know this but my studio is actually neutral territory. No epic battles here, please.

Wowser: I’m not looking for a battle.

[Record scratch.]

Petrina the Pirate taught me that we can find our purpose in life without smashing things. She’s so wise and powerful.

Petrina: Don’t forget, beautiful!

Pipey-O: But Wowser, I’ve been telling you that for years. Why you never listen to me?

Wowser: You’ve always seen me as a problem to be fixed. It’s hard to listen to someone who criticizes you all the time.

Pipey-O: Ugh, what’s with everyone and these perfectly reasonable explanations today?

Mr. Eric: That’s really great to hear, Wowser. So, are you any closer to finding your purpose in life?

Wowser: No, but I think I’ll start by visiting all the worlds I trampled through and help fix things up.

Pipey-O: That’s a great idea! If you’d like a little company from a friend who isn’t so critical?

Wowser: Sounds divine!

Mr. Eric: Amazing. Well, you two can start by fixing this giant hole in my ceiling.

Wowser: Thank you for everything, Petrina the Pirate!

Petrina: All in a day’s work for us retirees.

Mr. Eric: It’s just… there are birds in the studio.

Pipey-O: Hey, I bet my magic diamond wonder wrench could take us both anywhere in What If World!

Wowser: Wowser!

Mr. Eric: I really shouldn’t be getting this much sun.

Pipey-O: Let’s go, buddy. Whee!

Wowser: [Laughs]

Mr. Eric: Guess I’ll just get a tarp… from the tarp store.

Petrina: The end, Mr. Eric.

[Falling harp scale.]

Mr. Eric: Calen, James, and David, I hope you enjoyed our interview with Pipey-O Hoolihan. And another quick thanks to Alfie, Tabitha, Amby, Orson, Zara, Eryk, and Emma C., for all their interview questions.

Fred the Dog: Fred the Dog here to shout out George, who is seven years old, and of course he loves me.

Cthunkle: Then, we must shout out Sam, who loves Roblox, their dog, and of course, me, Cthunkle.

JF Kitty: J.F. Kat, here, to meow out Cecelia Heath, age seven, who must love kitty cats, including me.

Dracomax: Dracomax here to shout out Brendon. Brendon likes to play Fortnite. Brendan is nine years old, and Brendan likes me, Dracomax.

Fred the Dog: And also me, Fred the Dog. Thank you, Brendan!

Alabaster Zero: Finally, you get me, Alabaster Zero, here to shout out Evelyn Keenan, pronouns she/her. Evelyn is seven years old from Tel Aviv, Israel.

Mr. Eric: And I’d like to thank Karen O’Keeffe, my co-creator, Miss Lynn, my producer, Craig Martinson for his theme song, and all you kids at home who know that no one gets to tell you your purpose. You’ve got to get out there and try things out until you discover it yourself.

And until we meet again, keep wondering.