7.5 Map Birthing Again CBE

Map

Birthing Again

As parents prepare to welcome another baby into their family, their needs shift. They tend to be less interested in the nuts and bolts of birth, and more interested in exploring how to get through the ordeal of birth as an initiation, having walked that road before.

These classes are typically shorter than a standard Birthing from Within class series, which means that the mentor needs keen awareness of what the parent(s’) individual needs are, as well as the discernment to know what to put in the class and what to leave out.

Some topics to explore with experienced parents include (but are not limited to):

1. Learning from Past Birth Experiences

2. Helping Parents Connect with Each Other

3. Sibling Preparation

4. Revisiting and deepening pain-coping practices

1. Learning From Past Birth Experiences

Ask Solution Focused Questions like…

• What is one thing you learned about yourself through the birth process?

• What helped you feel supported during your last birth?

• Partners, what is something that the pregnant parent did the last time that amazed you?

• Pregnant parents, what is something you did that surprised you? That you didn’t know you were capable of?

The Birth Partner Game

Note: This only works if everyone in class is having a baby with the same partner as last time.

1. Give an index card to each class participant and ask them (both pregnant parents and partners) to rate the birth partner’s support from 1 to 10 from the last experience.

2. Since no one is perfect, you can explain to parents that no one could really get a 10/10 on birth support.

3. Everyone should keep their number secret until the end.

4. Ask birth partners to reveal their numbers first.

Some things to remember . . .

• Remember that in the solution-focused model we begin with what’s “working” so even if a parent rates themselves at, for example, a 3, ask them how they got all the way to a 3, versus a 1 or a 2.

• Next, ask birth partners if they were to move up just one notch in this birth, what is one small thing they might do differently? And what else? What is one other thing that might happen at a 4 that didn’t happen at a 3?

5. Once you’ve checked in with all the birth partners it’s time to have the pregnant parents reveal their numbers.

• Again, begin with what worked. Ask them how their partner managed to get all the way to a 7 (for example) last time and what is one thing they could do this time to move from a 7 to an 8?

This lighthearted game helps partners explore their own resources and also gives pregnant parents an opportunity to offer specific suggestions for actions that could really make a difference for them during the upcoming birth. It may also offer you some valuable clues about what else would be useful to cover in class.

Birth Art

You could use a birth art assignment like Landscape of Labor, or others, to offer parents a chance to explore what the experience of going through birth was like for them. Be sure to offer “keep going” prompts and the opportunity to journal afterwards.

Keep the dialogue that follows focused on the art making process, rather than the end product. Help parents draw connections between what they learned in their last birth experience, and what they could do now to build resilience, connection, and self-compassion for their upcoming birth. Help parents focus on emotional flexibility and kindness with themselves instead of medical outcomes.

The Birth Story Labyrinth

You’ll find The Birth Story Labyrinth process on pages 100-109 in Labyrinth of Birth by Pam England. This is an effective and profound process. Read it through carefully and try it out on yourself or a friend

before using it with a client.

Note:

When mentors are working with birth stories, it’s important for them to create a container, like Birth Story Labyrinth, Birth Art, or Birth Partners Game , or Solution - Focused Questions. When birth story sharing is not contained, the mentor risks losing control of the dialogue and spending too much time on unprocessed birth stories. Additionally, you risk having parents re-traumatize themselves, as well as making other people feel upset, powerless, or traumatized. A mentor who is exploring a past birth experience, especially in a group setting, must be mature, grounded, and know how to set boundaries and how to interrupt an unhelpful story in a compassionate way.

The profound mystery of birth,

including how your birth unfolded as it did,

can never be fully understood with the mind. -Pam England

In any class or work with parents who have birthed before, you will be faced with their birth stories. Maybe a parent wants to figure out “what went wrong, so they can prevent it next time.” Perhaps a partner was shocked by birth and hasn’t had the opportunity to really process what they witnessed. At the very least, everyone wants to learn something from their birth story! So you need to have some skills to be able to help parents make sense of what happened before—without (re-) traumatizing them, other parents, and you.

Questions to guide parents to learn from a Previous Birth:

• What’s one thing your partner did that really made a difference for you?

• What was your most brilliant moment?

• How did you surprise yourself—doing something you didn’t know/think you could do?

• What do you know about yourself that you didn’t know before you gave birth?

2 . Helping Couples/Families Connect

Many parents who are pregnant again remark about how they find it difficult to connect with this baby, this pregnancy and their partner like they did the first time. Validate that they have taken the time to be here together, and that doing so is having taken a small step towards connecting.

Date Night

Set up a romantic ambience with items like candles, chocolates, or tea and arrange families in the space in such a way that they can have privacy. Give each family a set of (6-8) questions to ask one another, such as:

• One attribute that our older child has that I hope the baby will have, too

• What do you think will be most challenging about having 2+ kids?

• How could we work together on this challenge?

• What is one thing you’ll need from me if the birth doesn’t go the way we’re hoping?

• When I first found out that you (or I) were pregnant I felt . . .

• The thing I love most about the way you parent is . . .

• (Birthing Parent) The thing that you did or said that meant the most to me during the last birth . . .

• What I love and remember most about you in labor . . .

• (Partner)The moment I was in awe of you during the last labor was . . .

• The thing I've been wanting to ask you but have been afraid to ask is ...

• What is one thing I could do to support you in finding rest/ restorative time after the baby is born?

Teaching partners coping practices, massage, and hands-on support can also give families with children at home an opportunity to reconnect with one another. The same is true of the birth bundle or foot bath ritual.

3. Sibling Preparation

Often, it is not the sibling who needs preparation, but the parents adjusting their *own* expectations and behavior to make it easier for the older child to adjust!

Topics that often come up related to sibling preparation:

• How / if older children will be at the birth

• Concrete postpartum planning for the first 2 weeks for siblings

• Wondering how they can (continue to) be a “perfect” parent to their older child while also struggling through the postpartum period. For some parents, there is a tight clinging to the belief that *they* are the only one who knows their child and can comfort, soothe, put them to sleep, etc. Perhaps now, with a new baby coming, they are realizing that this isn't really sustainable or healthy for their family. If not, then this is where bringing it up can be very helpful—normalizing and having a solution -focused discussion on postpartum planning is key!

• Perhaps they have been avoiding "dealing with" certain patterns of behavior in their older child (potty-training; weaning, etc.) and now, with a deadline, they need a sounding board. They need VALIDATION (many people around them have likely been judging them and giving advice) and a template for expanding solutions and SMALL next steps.

Their task (and so, our mentoring/doula-ing task) is to help them have realistic expectations of their older child with the arrival of a baby. Often things are pretty smooth for the first few weeks (they may think they have dodged a bullet!) and then the novelty wears off, parents are exhausted, visitors are gone, some parents may be back to work, and the sibling starts needing more support. Normalizing, and preparing them for this, and reminding them that the dynamic between siblings will always be complex and evolving is important. They don't need to "save" anyone from having a hard time. It’s all part of learning to be in relationship with each other, and in a family!

• Show parents how to do the birth art assignment "Womb with a View" with their older child so they can connect with the baby together. Another fun process to suggest is making a book that tells the story of the family, or to draw a family portrait that includes the new baby.

• Read Julius, Baby of the World, by Kevin Henkes, to the class and lead a solution focused conversation about how older siblings adjust to having a new baby at home.

• Recommend Hello Baby, by Jenni Overend, to parents who are planning a home birth to help their children hear a sweet story and build realistic expectations about what birth looks like.

• Welcoming Your Second Baby, by Vicki Lansky, is full of great advice about helping siblings prepare for birth and bringing home baby. This book is sure to offer inspiration, including the following excerpt about a candle ceremony for growing families:

Love Can Be Shared by Vicky Lansky

“Show your older child, in a lovely and concrete way, how your love can be shared with the new baby without being lessened for him or her. Set out three candles . The first represents mom and dad, the second is the older child, and the third is the new baby. Light the first candle. The flame represents love. With the first candle, light the second, and

then the third. Like the flames, the love is separate, yet equal, for all. Lighting the third candle in no way diminishes the flame of the second.”

4. Revisit and deepen pain-coping practices

Depending on whether or not the parents took a Birthing from Within Class previously, this may be a refresher, or it may involve mentoring and teaching a handful of pain-coping practices in class or at prenatals. Start by finding out what worked for them in coping with pain during the previous birth. This is a great place to remember to Validate, Motivate (would it be useful to learn some new practices? And dust off ones that worked before?), Educate (some parents like a reminder of the hormones involved in the pain cycle, and the conversation around pain vs. suffering can be a good one to revisit), Initiate (Plan to teach them 2-3 pain coping practices throughout your time together). And Celebrate!

Utilize creativity and deep listening

When leading a Birthing Again class or preparing a doula client for another birth, one must utilize creativity and deep listening. They must be able to discern when to let go of their agenda, and when to stay the course. They must be willing to navigate the terrain of birth stories with compassion and firm boundaries in order to protect everyone in the class. Birthing Again allows mentors to dive deep with parents who have been to the Underworld, and use their Birthing From Within resources to bring a profound kind of preparation to parents who are welcoming another baby.

Remember to keep a balanced perspective. For a parent seeking a TOLAC (Trial of Labor after a Cesarean) due to breech, they will likely need to know how to push and cope with contraction pain. They will also need to know how to have a cesarean in awareness in case this is how their baby will be born.

You will really need to listen to the parents’ needs, hopes, worries, and regrets to get a sense of what the individuals/group most needs to learn in order to be more fully prepared for birth.